Yesterday was one long day. I woke up at 6:50am feeling exhausted. I went to sleep shortly after midnight and though I know I slept, my mind was so active with dreams I feel like I had no rest and no recovery. Despite that, here I am at the gym trying to follow my normal routine. I’m letting the master shuffle on my iPhone choose the music and so far it’s doing a crappy job. I need something inspiring and I’m getting Gwen Stefani and Shaggy and Adele instead – meh.

It makes me wonder why I have the music on my device when there is a whole universe of awesome stuff out there. I should fix it but that takes time. I haven’t had time to mess with my music library for months. No end to that trend in sight. Well.. there’s a pinpoint of light off in the distance, but I’m not sure I trust it’s real. I got propositioned yesterday for yet another project at work and I feel like my pending decision to commit to that is huge. Huge in the way of me deciding to get further from my goals or closer.

If I was 20 something and had not already learned about balance and what climbing that imaginary ladder can do to a person, I would jump on this new opportunity in a heart beat. It’s a commitment of 20 hours a week for a project that will last at least a year, but it’s coming at a time when I’m already getting 30 hours of work every week for other projects. At first glance, I’m like no way. But it’s also job security. Not that my current contracts aren’t solid, but they are so variable in actual workload. One week I can get 35 hours and the next I might only get 20.

Let’s add to the equation that I’m paying a boatload of money for an education that I’m not really taking advantage of. Doing the minimum requirements is not how I want to operate. I’d really love to cut my hours and focus more on school but this health insurance thing has me locked into full time (not to mention my mortgage and other bills). This balancing act is just about as frustrating as the time crunch.

I wanted to talk to Jim last night about this new offer from Work, but Work and parental responsibilities got in the way. I did what I had to do and it was ok, but we typically talk every night and so I feel like I missed out. I have a feeling I know what he’s going to say. He thinks I should work less and focus more on school too. It’s been a long time since I had a double income household, but there are definite advantages from that. Just the prospect of living together and consolidating bills is huge. We’ve talked a little about timing, and all that is not going down until next spring, but it is something to think about when considering contracts that last 12+ months. I will not want to make a commitment and then bail half way through. That’s not me.

The other “start up” contracts I’m on are so variable and unpredictable, but to roll off those gracefully will also take time. Although, it feels like I went on vacation and came back and didn’t miss a beat and so perhaps I’m overestimating my value on those projects. 🤷‍♀️

My boss on those projects is completely swamped with additional work the company took on and hasn’t been available for a spare minute to chat. I think about the fact he has a wife and two small children it kind of makes me a little sick to my stomach. I don’t have a complete picture of his life, but I’ve been sucked into that mess and neglect can take a toll. And for what? The company? Money? It’s not worth it. Family is #1. I just hope he has better balance than it appears on the outside. At the end of the day, I have to not think too much about that and focus on me and my family.

Today is another opportunity to make good choices in that regard. I got the kids off to school on and have committed to spending some extra QT with Z after school today, getting job applications and finishing a game we started playing late in the day yesterday. I’m hoping we can get C to play with us as well. It’s a collaborative game so we’re all on the same side. That typically turns out better than something competitive.

It’s gonna be another hot day today. In Nebraska you never know how September is going to be. The heat and humidity can swarm the month or the cold air can start to creep in. This year so far it’s been the former. I’ve still got lots of veggies and flowers in the garden popping every day. Next year I’m gonna plant less veggies and more flowers. I love the zinnias and if I had more, I’d be able to cut a new set each week. It’s so nice to walk into the kitchen and be greeted by a bright spot of color. Those are the goals I want to have. Family and flowers and poetry. Yeah.. that’s where it’s at!

💕☀️🌸☀️💕

~Miss SugarCookie