I wonder why it is I look at the month of October and instead of seeing success in all the things I accomplished, I see everything I fell short on.
Spoiler alert.. this one twists into a bit of a rant so if your not wanting that in your day.. best just skip it….
Instead of seeing that I wrote like 10 new poems and finally finished a 45 page paper, I linger on the rejection I got from 13th Floor Magazine which I submitted 4 poems to for their Fall issue.
Instead of seeing the forward progress on wedding planning – which would be finally settling on a pair of shoes, finding a shirt for Jim, getting his suit alterations started, designing ordering and receiving invitations. Yes, instead of all that which somehow feels trivial I dwell on the fact that we don’t have a baker for cakes and a photographer. And I just kick myself because it only takes a couple of phone calls to start the ball rolling yet I just can’t seem to do that. I don’t know what my problem is.
Instead of seeing that I finally have my kids’ healthcare situation sorted out (finally, finally after waiting way to long to do it), I can’t seem to get over the fact that I have these outstanding bills and an ex-husband that refuses to give me a dime for anything. I could go on and on about that one.
Oh yeah.. and I quit taking caffeine and then slowly weened myself off of coffee and was super proud of only having like 1 cup of coffee in like two weeks, but it all became tarnished yesterday. I couldn’t quite shake the fact that I was jonesing for a hot cup of something everyday and broke into the stash of “mushroom coffee” that I have. It’s produced by a company called Four Sigmatic (out of Canada I think), and they make a line of consumables from mushrooms and other good stuff known to have specific qualities and properties. What I was drinking was an instant coffee substitute from Lion’s Mane and Chaga. It’s supposed to have the same uplifting effect and give you greater creative focus like caffeine would.
It seemed to work a little too well so I googled it. Come to find out one of the main ingredients is instant coffee. WTF people. W.T.F. So here I was all proud of myself for quitting out on the caffeine and I’ve been having it anyway (at about half the strength of a regular cup of coffee – which is a quarter of what I used to take daily from an OTC pil)l. Still.. WTF??!!
Anyway.. while I’m on a rant which could potentially make me feel better I might as well also point out that in October I had an eye exam (yay for self-care) but then had to come to terms with needing glasses. Then I got glasses which look terrible on me (but every pair I tried on looked terrible because I look terrible in glasses). To make matters worse, I needed bifocals. To make matters worse, the lenses I look are kinda tiny and therefore the area of the lease I can actually see out of with vision correction is quite small.
Think about it this way.. I have to look at the very center of the glasses to get the distance adjustment to look right and not be blurry and I have to look way down at the bottom edge of the glasses to get the close vision correction. To make matters even worse (as if that is even possible). I unveiled them to my daughter two days ago while we were hanging out and she said they made me look old. Ugh!!! That is the very last thing I wanted to hear. Stupid kids and their stupid honesty!!
Tonight I am wiping all my monthly things off of my monthly white-board to-do list and starting fresh with November. I’m sure I’m being overly dramatic but the only redeeming quality of October was that it wasn’t September. And to hell with not having caffeine or coffee. Starting tomorrow I am back on the sauce. My challenge now will be to prove that the caffeine does not affect my sleep at all by getting the best sleep of my life in November. Ha!!
Anyway.. that’s enough of a rant for today. I should get back to doing something productive (or at least start).
Be Safe Out There.. It’s a Spooky World,