(Spoiler alert.. this post is mired in introspection and peripheral questions. Which I’m apparently incapable of avoiding to get to my point.)
Today I’m attempting once again to answer life’s ever burning question which is, of course… What’s the meaning and purpose of it all?
I’ve been quite distracted lately. Running like that chicken in whatever direction the shiny objects happen to be dangling. I’m flitting this way and that until I’m spent and fall into that all-too-familiar 5 hour deep sleep.
Then I wake, unrested and unsettled but ready to begin again. No rest for the wicked I suppose. But how wicked am I anyway. Must be pretty damn wicked to have inherited this hamster wheel.
I often think.. if I just had more time, I’d get it all done and finally be able to relax. But it occurs to me that at the core, I like the chaos. Could that be true. Is my default operating mode stuck in high gear because that’s just part of who I am. What would I do if there were no shiny objects and I woke after a perfect 8.5 hours of sleep to a day where I had balanced amounts of work and play pencilled into crisp 1 hour time slots in my day.
What if my day was clean and smooth and the meal and rest breaks were appropriately dispersed throughout. And all the dirty dishes did themselves. What would life look like then? And would that make life better or just different?
Would I start making regular trips to the hardware store to pick up wrenches to throw at my perfect plans. Would self-sabotage ensue?
Hmmmmm. It seems as if instead of attempting to answer that burning question, I’m just adding 20 other question to the pile. Such madness.
It’s true that lately (like the last two months) I’ve had more to get done and more responsibilities than I’ve had in quite some time. It’s kind of been exhausting and the health issues and not sleeping well just make getting through each day more of a challenge (not to mention the world stuck in a swirling vortex of doom). I’ve felt like a failure for dipping on commitments I’ve made. Then I spend too much on the guilt that follows. But that’s not the point today.
I’m still missing my mark. 🤔
I’m about three long weeks away from cutting a big chunk of responsibility out of my life indefinitely. For the last two months I’ve been spending an FTE effort on work. It’s a job I agreed to do 10-20 hours of work for each week and instead of capping the amount of work in my queue, they just shovel piles of work in my general direction.
And like the good girl I am I just take it and like everything else in my life I attach my self worth to my ability to get it all done in top-notch fashion. If I dip or fail or don’t get it done in time, I take it too much to heart. I worry my reputation will be tarnished and for the love of all the cheese in the Universe I still care too much about what others think of me.
How old do I have to get before I can really start not giving a fuck what other people think of me. Is that just another part of who I am that’s never going to change? Will I be able to make that transition after I’m really done working and moving into this next phase of my life?
Again with the digression into introspective questions? What is with that nonsense today? I’m still missing my point. What was my point again?
Ahhhh, yes.. The answer to the meaning and purpose of life.
In the last two weeks I’ve been distracted. I got a new kitten from Jim for my birthday. 🐱 The timing of that was perfect, romantical, sweet and also terrible.
I don’t have time to take care of this newest member of my family. Having a kitten is a lot of work. They have a ton of energy and demand attention. I can’t just sit at my desk and get stuff done. He’s constantly exploring all around and frequently walks across my keyboard. And to make matters worse, he contracted a nasty virus shortly after his arrival (or possibly because of the travel and exposure to external things) which has caused us to not only worry but also keep him in quarantine (from our other cats).
So to spend time with him and make sure he gets acclimated to his new home we’re quarantined in that area of the house too. We are spending lots of time upstairs in the quadrant where my daughters room is and the hallway outside of that which is connected to my office.
Then, like the good cat mom I am, I feel guilty about not spending enough time with the other cats. So we’ve been letting them into our master bedroom at nights to compensate. Which leads to a lot more distractions during those 5 precious hours of sleep. See how that’s all just a viscous cycle?
Finally getting there my friends, to the point I’m aiming at. That the point of life is to engage fully with all that distracts us. Because what would life be without that? Boring, listless, mundane?
The point is not the hamster wheel that goes nowhere. The point is the shiny object that makes the wheel spin faster. Those ideas and events, people and animals, words and opportunities that make our hearts beat a little faster and keep us from sleeping. After all, it would not appear shiny enough to distract us if it was not something we want, deep down at the core of us.
I already love that kitten, who we have named Gustav— Gus for short. I love being distracted by him and know that he will not be a tiny kitten for long. I’ve actually been distracted by him about 8 times while trying to write this. It might be the reason why this post has been so all over the place and distracted. 😂
So that’s my story today, which really feels like a long winded excuse of why I’m not getting the things I should be doing done and placing a fair amount of blame on Gus. Thanks Gus. ❤️
On that note.. I’m out of time. Such is the nature of life.
Peace, Love, and Kittens,