Days like today I think about all the memories I’ve made with friends who are not in my life anymore. A baseball game I went to for a new friend’s birthday when I was 12 where we laughed so hard (at what I don’t recall) we cried. Years of pre-Christmas baking sessions and ornament exchanges. And many celebratory birthdays, engagements, weddings, and baby showers. Where does all that time go?
Then the moment passes and I’m back to thinking about today. My mom’s last (hopefully) of 6 chemotherapy treatments before her next big surgery. Taking my son to a new doctor for what will likely be a lifetime of visits to check his free T-4. And returning home to not one, but two broken air conditioners, a house that’s hot as Hell, and endless laundry and dishes. Good gravy!
I’ve been pretty uninspired lately and there have been a lot of rejections coming my way. This time next week my daughter will be back in the dorms in Lincoln and my son will also be back in school. You know when you hang your hat on the stay at home mom thing and the kids are either gone or totally don’t need you anymore, there is a hole that’s left and needs to be filled with something else.
My problem lately is that the typical set list of activities I would gravitate towards to fill that hole feels very “meh” to me right now. I don’t feel like writing (even this blog) or reading or gardening and my mood has been downright rotten. What’s a girl to do?
So strange to, just a few short months ago, feel great about the future and be high on life and now this? I just don’t understand it.
Yesterday was a challenge and I ended up in tears over a few words with Jim. Not seeing eye to eye on something is not like us. I am looking forward to our next vacation together but is that what life is going to be like now? Me twiddling away and feeling very not needed and unimportant? Why can’t I just do the things I usually love and be happy?
How many episodes of Masterchef do I have to watch before I get sick of wasting my time on it?
All the time that’s gone and all the time I’m not sure what to do with. That’s life.
With peace end love,