About a month ago, before I went on my vacation to Oregon I finally told my husband Jim I was serious about finding a counselor or therapist. I elaborated on my reasoning and the thought processes that led me to the conclusion that therapy could help me.
I clearly have issues I’m struggling with that I think another person could help me with. Yes, I’ve not had success with the counseling process in the past (long ago during my divorce) but that might have been because I didn’t have the right person sitting across from me.
I have several friends I’ve talked to about it and not only do they say something it is something that helps them, but one friend relies on her person for all kinds of advice and has been guided through a number of really difficult situations successfully. These friends are people I trust whose opinions I value. I told Jim this.
He disagrees with the idea of me getting a counselor, and his rationale comes from his own poor experiences with counseling. He said that I can talk to him about anything. Which I feel is mostly true. He said we would go deep with it on vacation and that set my mind at ease. I let it go.
Vacation came and went. We didn’t “go deep.” In fact, we barely touched on things bothering me at all, mostly because of my need to enjoy the moments we had together and not spoil it all by bringing us both down. I wasn’t surprised as this has been my MO in the past, sweeping my problems under a rug for the sake of not making waves. It has not served me well.
Since returning from vacation I’ve had my ups and downs, but it’s mostly been down. Yesterday was another bad one.
I’m just getting over my period so it’s not PMS like I know it is sometimes. Usually after that day 1 release, I feel both physically and mentally better. But that was not the case this time.
If you were my therapist (which by the way you are) I would have to make sure you have all the info to make good assessments and give me advice.
My chronic fatigue, brain fog, and sleep issues are not a secret. I’ve written about these so many times I’m sick of myself. Mix in low libido, flare-ups of anger and bitchiness and we get closer to a full picture.
Now top it with the cherry and whip cream of weight gain (which is a BIG deal for me), and waning sense of purpose in life and THAT my friends is a recipe for full blown depression. But I’m not here to diagnose myself. No. That is what a therapist is for.
But wait… there’s more.
This part of the story I’m telling is new. In the past I’ve tried a lot of things to fix my sleep issues and chronic fatigue and have failed. Sleep aids, meditation, yoga, CBD oil at night before going to bed, and the list goes on. Much of this failed because my core motivation (and willpower) are not what they used to be. Some of it was just plain bad news, like the Benzodiazepines.
Enter stage left, the newest experiment. Not a new, new experiment as I have tried it before but did not find positive results enough to stick with it. What I’m referring to is testosterone therapy.
Yes, I’ve historically been against hormone therapy but I’m desperate and have read and heard so much about how it can help. So I’m giving it another go, with a different doctor this time. And I think it’s doing something to me. Not all good and not all bad.
In running a preliminary panel of lab tests, this new doctor found a slight issue with my thyroid for which I’m now taking a supplement for also. So it is tough to say if the changes I’m experiencing are from the testosterone or from the thyroid med. Again, not going to try and figure that one out myself. At the moment, I want to focus on the question of whether or not to get a therapist.
I brought it up with Jim again. His stance on it has not changed. He believes that my mood lately is being caused by several factors–continuing to adjust to not having a regular day job, my daughter leaving for college, the thyroid and or testosterone, etc. He did not directly site our relationship but did allude to the fact that there are additional stressors there which we can work on together. He also pointed a finger at my monthly cycle and urged me to wait a week before setting up any initial appointments with a professional.
I agreed again, just as I had before we went on vacation. I’ll give it a week. In the meantime, I need to do something to feel better about myself. I’m trying to stay productive and give myself lots of me-time too to see if that helps. It certainly didn’t yesterday.
I went to bed super early last night (like 8PM) and read a book and then drifted off to sleep. Of course I woke up around 2 and did not fall back asleep. Instead, I worked on finishing edits of my full manuscript and also composed a cover letter I felt was sufficient enough of an introduction to my and my book that I could send to prospective publishers. The deadline for several of the places I’ve researched is Nov 30th but I want to be done and over it by the time I leave for Austin to visit my Texas Bestie. That is in exactly one week.
Today we have painters here at the house and they are working on the gym so I’m avoiding that area. That means no treadmill or elliptical time for me today unless I change up my routine and do that stuff this evening. But since I have been awake since 2, I’ll be dead by 6PM and it probably will not work out.
So as my current therapist, what do you think? Should I get an actual therapist? Am I normal or am I nutz? Should I just keep waiting for this “funk” to pass or do I need real help? 🤔🤔🤔