Yesterday I suffered from a mini-existential crisis and wanted to write through it. I wanted to write long enough for my brain to start unlocking the doors to potential answers. Hey.. it’s worked before so why not?
However life itself got in the way and I truly did not have enough time to get to any meaningful conclusion. Well.. I got glimpses down different avenues of thought but nothing as definitive as a real window with a view.
Mixed metaphors much? Windows, doors, avenues, oh my!
Just before I had to exit the writing scene I “put a pin in it” to return today for more. Just before I pushed that proverbial pin into the corkboard of my brain (ouch), I was on the precipice of asking the next question…
Within the context of things that I do or can do that bring my satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment—another project I put work into on the regular is my beloved Good Life Review. I ask myself why the lit mag doesn’t do it for me. I might answer that it does, but it’s so short lived. It’s like any regular job where there are things you like and things you have to do that you don’t like and at this point in time there’s just so much more I don’t want to do that it doesn’t balance out.
Diving deeper, that’s not exactly true. It may not be the tasks I work on themselves because I do enjoy most of it.
I enjoy connecting with other writers and getting to accept their pieces and work with them in a way that (I believe) leaves them with a positive experience. Hearing someone say kind words about me or the lit mag also gives me a warm feeling inside. There’s more to this but let’s move on.
I enjoy working on the website, editing pages, and producing something beautiful I think people are pleased with. It’s about giving those writers a lovely home for their words. But the WordPress stuff behind the scenes is kind of my jam. As long as WordPress isn’t being a total butthead (that happens).
I enjoy interacting with people on our editorial team, as long as it’s more like a one-on-one interaction. I dislike team meetings and group conversations frankly because of the whole social anxiety thing and not wanting to be the center of attention.
I don’t like dealing with people issues. With a team this size (approaching 20), it’s sometimes tough to continue making sure people are happy with how things are going. I’m probably failing at this lately but I also don’t think I’m alone in that.
I love reading most of the pieces our editors pick to accept. I’m impressed by the creativity and craft that comes my way, each story or poem shining a light on some truth of life. Sometimes I’m blown away and that’s a great feeling. That what we are doing is going to allow more people to read and connect and give those writers work a platform.
However, I don’t like social media which is a necessary evil in the publishing business. I think if I never had to think about it again, it would be a huge weight off my shoulders. I cringe every time the subject comes up.
I also don’t like sending rejections. The process as we’ve constructed it is probably too time consuming and in general it sucks. It’s never fun delivering unwanted news. It’s part of the business and having been on both sides of the rejection form letter, I know it just is what it is. Yuk!
Bringing it back around to where I started, with the good stuff, I would say that with this last release (our Autumn issue, one week ago), I realized that the most fulfilling moment is when it’s done and we get to sit back and celebrate. I love sending the “issue live” notification to our contributors and getting there responses lifts me up. But it is so, so short lived. Like the rest of life, the emotions are fleeting and at the end of it all, it’s a damn lot of work for that hot-minute payout.
Since it’s only been a week I’m still riding that wave (except yesterday, good gravy what was THAT??!!). Ask me today and I’ll tell you we are doing good and it’s so worth it. Wait a month and ask again. Ha!
Anyway. I’m in it to win it now so this whole meandering is probably moot.
The original question remains. What am I doing with my life? And then I Ask myself, does this question ever have an answer. Is the point just to live it and then you know?
I dunno, I just want to be in the driver’s seat, in control of the direction and speed. I don’t want it all just to happen and check the rear view to find the answers.
Yesterday was a total bust. From sunup to way past sundown. The feeling of failure followed me all the way to my pillow and the last “good night.”
It’s days like that where I truly hope the mood really is like the weather in Nebraska, where we can wait a day and it will change.
And what do you know? Low and behold.. it did! I can’t even begin to explain it but today almost everything has gone my way. I would go so far as to say it’s been magical! Whatever! 😜
I’m sure another bout with self doubt and feeling lost in the world is just around the next bend. Stick around.. it could be a good one.
As for elaborating on what exactly has gone my way today, it’s just going to have to wait. I’m totally out of time again. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have time to do a deep dive into something more productive, or positive at least.
As Bugs Bunny says, That’s All Folks.🥕🥕🥕
(Crunches a carrot) ,
(Dropping the link here for anyone interested in my book: Unsuspecting Cinderella. Don’t wait, order your scintillating copy today!!)