2019-09-06 What Part of the Tornado is the Best Place to Start?

That’s a trick question silly. It’s all just a whirlwind of debris circling in a greenish haze, hunting for places to land. Dropping houses on wicked witches is so out of fashion now, something different is necessary.

But seriously, this has been one crazy week and I can’t even begin to try and describe the highs and lows and do the universe any justice. The short story is, it’s all right now.

On Wednesday I totally lost my shit and was off the rails and finally, FINALLY broke down and had a conversation with Jim about it. He’s such a level headed adult, it kinda made me feel like I was in a session with a mentor or advisor and not my fiancé, but it did the trick.

On Thursday I had a good conversation with a friend of mine which provided me further insight into my historical MO in matters of the heart as well as bringing me further back to reality. It’s good to have people who get you and that you can talk to, who also have shit to deal with in their own life. A good reminder that we are all in this mess called life together.

Thursday afternoon I took care of some procrastinated business with regards to health insurance which was part of an outcome of my conversation with Jim. I absolutely hate dealing with my ex and anything to do with finances with regards to him, so I definitely needed a push to get me to do the right things.

By Thursday evening I was dealing with some other parental things I’ve put off for too long – conversations with my darling daughter and that turned out better than expected. We talked for nearly 2.5 hours solid, shared some stories, had a good cry, and made a plan for the weekend.

Then today.. today I did some necessary revisions on some poetry, composed communications to my mentor for the semester, and dove in on some of the handouts from my class which I’m sure will come up in discussions when we meet on Monday. I also met-up with a friend for happy hour drinks and apps and that was good too.

I feel miles away from Wednesday now, and the “inbred thinking” that put me on the edge of a very scary cliff. No, it was not ALL in my head and it is certainly not ALL resolved (if only life were that easy), but after connecting the dots with the other humans I am sharing space with, it is definitely not as overwhelming or dire. That’s proof people – people need people!! Be kind to one another. Smile and say hi.

I’ve got a lot of things to get done this weekend.. executing plans with Z and C and Jim, more reading and writing to do for class, and probably – I dunno – washing more dishes??!!😜

That’s the Happy FriYay SugarCookie Edition for today.
Now let’s get crackin’,
~Miss SugarCookie

2019-09-04 Lost in Doubt

I’m just so unsure. I’m so filled with doubt and anxiety and I’ve gone round after round with what’s wrong with me. It’s a trick of the mind but that’s what’s in the middle, what’s been cut. “The thought payout is at the end.” These piles of images are authentic. Truth is stranger than fiction and there’s a goldmine in the darkness. And none of it adds up to anything that makes sense and I have no more thoughts for the end.

I’m working on too many things at once and I want to throw it all away. Pulling out the stitches and re-using them in something else is too much and I’m tired. I’m trying to de-code the message I wrote to myself three weeks ago. “Just go”..

Go where? And from where? Physically? Mentally? What? What is that thought payout supposed to be? What does it mean? If I can’t figure it out, I’m just stuck.

I feel stuck.

Listen.. I know I’m not making any sense. I know it and yet this is what’s in my head right now that wants out. Perhaps tomorrow I can explain. Rewind and make it make sense. I don’t know though. No promises I guess.

Lost Today,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-31 Autumn Declarations 🍂🍅🌼 and Life Proclamations

I woke at 7:22am after sleeping for a solid 8 hours and 55 minutes. That’s the most I’ve slept in months, my average hovering at about 6.5. I feel great. Not just good, but great. Well, well now.

Despite a few bumps, August was a success. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, tip-toes, tipping over into September. A few days ago I said “I hate mums”, which is harsh. I dislike mums but I can’t hold it against them that they are the signature fall flower that pairs best with pumpkins and nights getting longer and first frosts. Its a terrible job, but some flowers got to do it.

I can’t remember if I’ve always disliked fall or if this is a relatively new development. Have orange and moon white and deep purple and maroon been stained by the September’s and October’s that have scarred my past lives? And why do I remember falling apart in Fall instead of falling in love?

I did that. A whole section of one of those lives titled “August and Everything After”, because I really believed at the time that it was finally my very own happy ever after that would last for the rest of my life. I was so head-over-heels in Love. That was 2011. It’s true, I’m not over it, I haven’t “let go”, not completely. Why must we?

I’m here today, standing in the glow of in the best possible light to make a declaration. I still regret mistakes that I’ve made but must also acknowledge that without them, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be somewhere else living a different life and only the Universe knows what that alternate reality looks like. Let us not “let go” ever. Let’s instead hold on to all of it and look back once and a while and just resist staring.

Do we need to reject nostalgia? Is it harmful or very useful? If we dismiss the past how can we learn from those mistakes?

A few days ago I was writing a poem and had a “need” to incorporate something I wrote in about 1989. I went on a hunting expedition and found myself knee deep in memories. Back then everything was hand written so it’s a lot of paper to go through. It makes me very, very grateful for my left brain organizational tendencies. I loved organizing my writing as much as I loved writing it. It’s all sorted and dated and labeled with clever, appropriate titles. I love coming up with titles for things. A few days ago I wrote a whole page that was just potential titles for unwritten poems. I digress.

I found what I was looking for but also found several hand written journals I didn’t know I had. #truth. I flipped through briefly and was like “yup, that was my life”.. back when I was married, not the “August and Everything After” guy, but years before that with my ex-husband. I just looked and didn’t dwell. I put all the collections back in the boxes and back up on the top shelf in my closet.

So that was a life, and that was a different life, and this is a different one too. They are all my lives and that’s life.

The real declaration is that Fall doesn’t have to be the enemy. I don’t have to dread it. I can build a life where fall means we look forward to sweater weather and Wearing boots and sitting by the fire-pit and enjoying looking out across the lawn and seeing the mums bloom, their deep reds and sunset oranges coming to life as the leaves begin to fall. It can be whatever you want, you just have to know what that is.

See you in September..

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

PS.. Here’s the poem I was looking for from one of my former lives (don’t hate, I was like 15 when I wrote it)…

Stacey’s Proclamation

I thought that life was blue
And that mosquito bites were red
But life is green I guess
Because that’s what Stacey said.

2019-08-29 Cage Match with Ornamental Grass

It’s late in the day for me to be doing the treadmill thing and trying to come up with something to write about. I guess I don’t have to, but it feels so necessary. It’s the end-times after all, we need all the unverifiable documentation that we can get.

Jim gets home from work and asks what I did today. It always feels like a question that makes me feel guilty. It shouldn’t, but it does. I fed the cats and cleaned litter boxes. I fed the fish twice and the birds. Ran the pool cleaners and put more water in (we have an undiagnosed leak). I spent two hours digging out ornamental grasses from layers of landscaping fabric, dirt, and rocks. It was out of control and frankly an eyesore. We have a lovely waterfall and stream and you can’t see it because of all that weedy looking grass. Now the grass is gone and it looks a ton better.

When I finished I was covered head to toe with dirt and sweat and itchy skin but was quite satisfied. I did not have enough motivation to get to the fun part, which is planning and replacing it all with some flowering perennials. Not sure what yet. Something low like dwarf Lillies or mums (except I hate mums) or coneflower. Ahhhh, flowers…

Anyway, I always feel like I don’t do enough, you know, around the house. It will never match what contributions he makes from the office, the hours he puts in, all the plates that are spinning all the time. I have to remind myself that what I’m doing is enough, I guess. Just appreciate it for what it is.

The hostas are in bloom now which draws a different crowd. We have had hummingbird sightings which is really cool cuz I’ve never seen one in real life before. We have a feeder out and I wonder if they are using that. It’s full of some red-sugar liquid.

The gardening kept me busy this morning and also kept me from missing my Jazzercise class since I was, once again, stuck at home. Ugh. Sucks to be a girl sometimes. Wonderful most of the time, but what a poor biological design!! I even thought about that today, with the struggle I was having with the rocks and roots and trying to pull it all apart and dig it all out. Who came up with all these crazy designs? Rocks and trees and dirt and stuff.

Probably didn’t help I was listening to “Ship of Fool” again. Lots of references to God in there, and the Devil and big cosmic-ness kind of stuff. It’s quite funny actually. I wish I had more poems on audio tracks like that. I’d love to hear more poets speak their poems. That’s probably why I like to go to readings so much. I always get inspired.

Toward the end of my pulling and digging and sweating, I was thinking of writing a poem about that. I had a pretty good title, and then a different title, and then it turned into something else in my head and by the time I was done and showered I lost most of it. But I had to shower cuz the itch was driving me batty. It’s the end times I say!

The only line I half liked from what spilled forth was this one..

“As stubborn and refusing as God’s Defense Attorney”

(The Force from the Fool poems is strong)

In other news.. There are a couple of bad-ass spider webs around the yard and I’ve left them alone. This morning I almost walked into one and the spider on it was frightened up to the top of the web and she was huge! I was all like “I know it’s going to get cold soon, but you need to stay out here and burrow into the ground or a tree or something and are NOT allowed in the house”. Yeah, the kind of spider, if you see it in the house, you scream like a little girl and then don’t take your eyes off it for a second while you think about what is close by you can smash it with (sorry RH – It’s just the way things go around here).

If we’re down to discussing spiders, that must mean my time is almost up. I’d post a pic of my triumph over the grass, but it’s dark out now and I didn’t take any. I should have gotten a before and after shot. 😕 Oh well. So much for documented proof.

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-28 All the Rest

This morning I’m listening to the most curious playlist I created yesterday. I had 20 bucks store credit from iTunes and spent 11.99 on T. Swift’s new album. I suppose nobody buys music anymore but what else am I gonna do with store credit. To be fair, I’d still like to have the physical CD, it’s just like, old habits die hard you know. It’s like some people still have their yahoo and Hotmail mail accounts. I like CDs. I still listen to music on Amazon Music, when I want to look something up and have a listen. Whatev.

Obvi that one album does not make a playlist so the other contribution was a new CD I picked up in July, “Ship of Fool the Musical”. A collab between William Trowbridge and Bob Walkenhorst. It’s Bill’s Ship of Fool Poetry book set to music. It’s brilliant!

That’s it. That’s the new “Bday Jams” playlist I’m on this morning. It’s really my first dance with most of these tracks so it’s hard not to stop writing and just listen. Well, it’s easier to write listening to the Taylor Swift stuff because it’s so shrink-wrap. The poems make me want to stop and think.

Most people (who have ever discussed it with me) know that I don’t care much for social media. I think it’s a contributing factor for our society becoming more disconnected – ironically, and divided of course, and now potentially poisoned by toxic campaigns. What good is there in all that? Not a lot, but alas, Facebook and Twitter and Insta and Snap and LI and whatever is cool this week remain main platforms for sending little notes for everyone to see. So when a birthday comes around, it’s inevitable to get lots of well wishes that way.

I am grateful for everyone in my life and we’re all connected in different ways so when I get this love I want to send it right back. Therefore yesterday I spent about an hour, perhaps slightly more, responding to these messages. I also posted a status update which I rarely do. It was all positive. That’s pretty common.. seeing only the best stuff. Back to school pics from parents, pics from awesome vacations and concerts, perhaps the occasional link out to some cool article or piece of writing.

I suppose that’s better than the alternative, hate posts or political BS or general grumpy-ness. But it doesn’t paint a full picture of a life and it doesn’t include most of the struggle. That’s by choice but I wonder if that half picture also causes damage? I dunno, this is just me thinking too much about it. I wonder if it would be better if I included all the rest, you know, so people know it’s not all rainbows and butterflies.

On my birthday my son got sick at school, nasty stuff, and things took a detour early in the day. I struggled with a stress headache most of the day which turned into a migraine at dinner (I should not have had a glass of wine). Jim was sick too, on the mend from a cold over the weekend, but still sick none the less. I still did dishes, laundry, cleaned cat litter, etc. Still, I was surrounded by people who care so that was a saving grace.

My father forgot it was my birthday until after I posted thank you’s Publicly the day after. I got what I interpreted as a half hearted apology in his text, “Happy Birthday one day late of course it just your dad being your dad😍 love ya”. Better than nothing is the best I can say about it.

He’s not on FB and everything is filtered through his wife who I think lives on FB with her family posting pictures of their children which sometimes include my father, as the beloved ‘papa’. Those kids have more of a relationship with my dad than I ever had and he Is also more of a grandfather to them than my children. I’ve tried to let go of hard feelings, but the social media thing rubs it in my face so often I just can’t seem to.

It’s my problem to deal with, I know, and FB is not to blame. I do like seeing the happy things other people post so I guess that positive.

Yesterday was good and beautiful outside but I didn’t get out to enjoy it. Today is more of the same but I’m tired and grumpy and don’t wanna do anything. I should force myself.

-OR-

I could just sit on my couch all afternoon reading. That’s probably what’s going to happen.

That’s also probably enough rambling for now. Why is it that all the things I wanted to write about yesterday are being so stubborn and not coming back to me? I blame Facebook.

Until Next Time,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-26 It’s THAT Day Again…

… You know the one…

It’s Cheeseburger Monday.

It’s raining outside so I don’t have to water day.

It’s listen to your favorite tunes day.

It’s the day we cut zinnias from the garden to fill vases in strategic places throughout the house (and yes, you will get wet from the rain – but you must do it anyway).

It’s treat yourself to Starbucks day, but don’t dare order pumpkin-spice latte cuz it’s not THAT day yet.

It’s make a to-do list day.

It’s get your steps and do that Jazzercise thing you do day.

It’s read a book day AND write some poetry day. YAY!!

It’s hang out with the cats and take a nap day.

It’s the perfect day to say thank you.

And pay it forward.

And ask for what you want from life.

And give some hugs, if that’s your thing or perhaps a fist bump instead.

It’s sing a little song and dance a jig day.

It’s call your mom day, or whoever, just reach out.

It’s don’t tell me what to do day so you can ignore all of this stuff. But I hope you don’t.

It’s the perfect day to be grateful to be alive.

Time is a gift.. don’t waste it!

Much Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-23 Nothing to Read Here, Move Along

I feel like I don’t have much of anything worthy of writing about today. Still, I’m on this treadmill trying to walk my way toward something. Ironic right?

What about last night? Another rough one and I tried like four different places in the house to sleep. I’m trying to use the Xanax more sparingly and it seems I may have developed a bit of a dependency. I haven’t had any this week and my sleep length and quality have both been shit.

Oh well, oh well.

What about today? I’ve got a lunch Meetup with Miss Margret and have to put the finishing touches on my packet 1.0 and accompanying comments so that I’m prepared to send that off. Ironically, in my year+ in the program I’ve never been more ready and my mentor reached out to me this week requesting I delay it until Sunday morning. Go figure.

Other than that my day is going to be a total snore-fest. Perhaps I should just consider taking a big fat cat nap and try and catch up on some of that missing sleep. I’ve done so many things from my to-do list this week I’m literally getting to the bottom. Of course, there’s a ton of larger house projects I could start, and I should not get too excited about the bottom of the list, cuz, that’s bad ju-ju.

As soon as I start dancing a jig about being all caught up, the universe will toss me a curve ball and all of it will change again. Whatever, I just need to enjoy not having anything that HAS to get done today.

What about this weekend? I’m expecting a very low-key couple of days. Nothing on Saturday and lunch with my mom and sister on Sunday. Sometime we’ll probably take the kids out for a nice meal to celebrate my birthday since they go back to their dads house Monday and I won’t get to spend any QT with them that day.

Just as well as class for me on Campus starts Monday and so that will probably be primary on my mind that day.

See… proof I don’t have much to muse about today since I’m already into next week. Time to switch gears I guess and go get that packet wrapped up.

I told you so,

~Miss SugarCookie