2020-05-16 Every Little Thing Gonna Be Alright

Bob Marley got it right.

Three Little Birds is just one of those iconic songs from my past that returns to my mind again again in new situations and brings with it the history that my brain has attached to it. And despite all the hurt I’ve ever experienced, and negative nostalgia attached with some of those times, the song still makes me smile.

It’s like those words are untouchable. untarnishable, and timeless. That’s when you know something is truly golden. The return and remembrance and power to evoke thoughts and, bigger still.. feelings.

The first time I heard that song was in high school at a house party that my friend Danielle threw while her parents were out of town. Danielle was the youngest of 7 children and she was born on Christmas Day. Her parents were strict and very religious. But I suppose having 7 kids would wear anyone down to turning a blind eye to unwanted teenage antics. Like throwing parties when you are out of town.

I was a goodie-two-shoes and didn’t drink, save for a wine cooler or two. And the “getting drunk” was something I didn’t understand. I remember sitting with people I didn’t know and that song came on and I just sat and listened to the words as the conversation swirled around me. It was a beautiful moment.

That’s all I remember but I still have a picture someone took (probably me) of my friend standing next to the open refrigerator like Vanna White proudly displaying all the adult beverages. I can count on one hand the number of house parties I went to in high school. Yup.. that’s just how it was for me.

I also remember hearing the song when I was dating my first boyfriend and I knew the song and he knew it too so it was a connection for us. It reminds me of falling in love. And like I said, despite all the hurt he’s caused me over the years what I feel when I hear that song is our falling in love. That’s incredible.

I sang the song to my babies when they were babies and remember the overstuffed rocking recliner I bought to nurse them in their room. Quiet moments in the early morning filled with love for them and also hope that they would go back to sleep for a little while longer. I don’t connect it with the colic or crying.. just peace and quiet.

Now, as this pandemic wrecks havoc on our lives, I have had the occasion to think about that song and find peace in it.

More info than anyone needs to know, but Jim and I have a chalkboard in our master bathroom and right now I’ve got that iconic line “every little thing gonna be alright” written out with a pic of a tiny bird sitting on a branch.

Every time I see it, it makes me smile. It also makes me think.. I should draw two more little birds to round out the trio. But then I don’t.

This morning I woke with the rising sun. The sunrise was absolutely amazing, from what I could see from our east facing windows (not a great view because of the trees and the position of our house in the neighborhood). The house was quiet and the only other life awake in that moment were the birds outside and the cats.

I tried to get a picture and then retreated back to the living room for a little quiet time alone with my thoughts. Besides that song, the other words that are repeating in my head right now are “this too shall pass”.

The pandemic will end. Life will go back to normal. We will all be affected by what has happened in big and small ways and probably normal life will be a little different too. But in the end, every little thing IS going to be all right.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-14 Revealing My Drinking Age

Yesterday was the first day in a while I felt like I had a handle on life.

Round 2 cutting my daughters hair went well (first try the prior day ended porky).

Five of my son’s missing geometry assignments have now now been verified as complete and we’re on track for catching up this week. There’s a long way to go with world history, and a short amount of time but I’m hoping we can still pull that D+ up to a C. 🤞

I worked for 5 hours, most of which was sprint planning. Those long sessions are killer but I feel we are now finally working as a cohesive unit and on the right track.

I also made progress on the website I’m working on for the new lit mag and the submittable and am happy with how that’s going. Narrowed down to a couple of themes and am at the point of plugging in content. That’s the kind of stuff that I could really spend hours and hours on and it’s super satisfying.

Ask me again in 4 months when my primary role will be doing this on the regular. Ha! The cool thing about all that is that the content will come from other places. I mean, I’ll be writing content too, but for the most part we’ll have a format and will be showcasing other people’s words.

Anyway. At the end of the day I had a few drinks and had a virtual happy hour with a friend and she had lots of updates and it was a great chat. Every time I drink, I’m reminded of my age.

They say “you’re only as old as you feel”. Well, after a few drinks I feel like I’m about 70 and just wanna go to bed at like 9pm. 🤷‍♀️

Unfortunately I’m also reminded again when I wake up and just don’t feel right. I mean, it’s not like I’m pounding “time lords” from the Night Owl. I’m just having a few vodka lemonades.

This is completely predictable though as my mom has previously described the decline of her ability to drink. Her current status is “one and done”. I feel like I’m headed that way and kinda bummed because I like to enjoy a cocktail or two and don’t want to have to worry about how it’s gonna make me feel. Whatever.

I’m trying to walk off that icky feeling now and the jury is still out on if it’s gonna work or not.

I’m also gonna try hard today to have a repeat performance of yesterday. A good balance of everything. I’ve got another Virtual HH meetup again tonight. This time with my Texas Bestie in Austin. Probably gonna forego the drink and just keep the “happy” part. We’ll see.

I’m still procrastinating a lot of things. I’m still trying not to let it bother me too much. Maybe today is the day I order pics from Walgreens for my daughters grad announcement. Maybe today’s the day I give up the idea of dropping my thesis off in person and just drop it in the mail. Maybe today’s the day I clean the toilets. Haha haha. 🤣 Fat chance on that last one.

My personal feeling on this is that since everybody has pretty much their own toilet in this house. They should be responsible for cleaning their own toilet in this house. That seems pretty reasonable right? So maybe I will clean my own toilet and then show the kids where the cleaning supplies are and nudge them in that direction. Wonder how that approach will turn out (I don’t really have to wonder.. I already know).

I guess the degradation of the topics here means I’m done for today. I mean, when it’s down to cleaning toilets, that’s a red flag, “you’re done.”.

Thanks for playing along,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. If you’re seeing the featured image on this post. That’s Doug joining me today in the gym and he’s using the exercise bike as a bath time platform. I told him that’s not what that equipment is for but he just looks at me like he doesn’t understand the language I’m speaking. 🐱🧡

2020-05-13 No Rest For the Wicked Part 336

Why 336? Because it feels like It might just go on and on and on and one can’t escape being wicked if it’s a part of their nature.

Riddle me this? Why do I have to spend 40 grand on a masters in fine arts which includes thousands (not exaggerating) of dollars for fees for things I don’t even utilize or know what they are AND then have to pay to print my own copies the thesis document that will be bound and forever kept somewhere. The UNO library I think. It was 60 bucks to print that and after the fact (of course) I notice that for poems that extend past one page, the continuation does not start low enough on the page. So there’s an inconsistent look on those pages. The perfectionist in me hates this. The frugal girl wags her finger and says don’t you dare fix that and pay for a reprint. These two people inside me will continue to argue until the damn document is out of my hands.

Mostly I’m lazy and don’t want to open Word and look at it again. Which is one reason I haven’t sent it to my mom, who asked to read it.

The other reason i have resisted sending it to mom is the poems themselves. One or two in particular that don’t paint her in a very favorable light. Well just one really. Jim said to just take that one out and send it. I have two minds in disagreement about this too.

On one hand all those things are a part of who I am. I want to model my behavior after the lovely Amy Plettner who Published her first book and just gave a copy to her mom, unedited (kind of hard to edit a published book like that). She told me that when she saw the book on her moms bookshelf it was markedly thinner. Her mom actually ripped out the pages with poems she didn’t like, ones about her presumably but also any poem having to do with sex or the word fuck (which is a lot of them).

My stuff is much tamer than that. I think the word fuck only shows up in one poem. And I haven’t included any poems that have anything directly to do with sex. But I did compare my mom to a fax machine / clean freak ….

My mom is sensitive like me (or I’m sensitive like her) and that would hurt her and I don’t want to hurt her. If I was Rachael Mckibbins and my mom was truly a bad person, I might feel differently. But my mom is a good person.

Incidentally, Amy also told me that later, after the page tearing out was long past, her mom asked for another copy. Probably she came to terms of what the book really represents. A piece of Amy’s whole heart and that life is rough, you know. Just gotta be more understanding with people and humanity and all its complications.

Wow. That was quite a tangent.

I suppose I don’t really have to cross any bridges that have to do with really publishing a book because that feels so distant or impossible at this point. The first step I suppose is submitting more. I’ve fallen off that wagon and truly the few things I’ve sent out into the universe have either been rejected or not returned.

Starting from zero is not easy. I mean, I’m not exactly at zero, but I’m at like 0.34. Ha! A few more tick marks in the “win” column and I’ll bump myself to a solid 1!!

I spent my day off yesterday working on the parenting thing and the lit mag thing, until I had another breakdown about being a failure. Jim has been very supportive and a huge shoulder to cry on and a good listener. Thank the universe for him. He literally has a hellish schedule at work this week and here I am crying on my day off. Ugh! 🙄

In the end, I was able to let my Failures go. And then it was pretty much time to go to bed. Go figure. 🤷‍♀️

But I’m up and at it again today and getting ready to make coffee and get to work. Round and round I go.

Cheers to Another Opportunity to Try,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-12 No Rest for the Wicked Part 2

Yesterday came and went and it was a freaking blur. The deadline at work was met and the team pulled it off. Alpha version 0.0.1 was demonstrated and released to the customer. If that name doesn’t scream “early, early release” then I don’t know what does. In the end, I was left to sweep up the confetti that was left on the floor and make sure the gift bags were passed out. I was so blurry eyed at that point, I was afraid I was going to screw that up.

Half an hour later, we did an impromptu team huddle and our leaders gave praise for all the hard work and basically gave us a day off. One day this week of our choosing. It was intended to be today but a few people lobbied for Friday. Me? I think I’ll take both days and maybe Thursday too. 😜

Every day I steal from Peter to pay Paul. By now, Paul is a very rich man and I think he’s had enough. And Peter is pretty much lying in a gutter with his arm stretched out to me. It’s time for some rebalance in the force. Last night when I was finally released, the first thought I had was that I’ve been a shitty neglectful parent and I have to make that right.

This involves two things.. reconciling the grade book with my son who now has 28 missing assignments across his 7 classes. Plus a D In AP world history. We have a plan in place to get to work but the second I turn my back, he’s gaming again. That’s a work in progress. Always.

The second thing is some serious QT with my pudding pie. We talked and have a plan for that too. We’re going to Don our masks and make a trip to target today to restock makeup, shop for bras and underwear, and buy box hair dye to do something fun with our hair. She wants a haircut and that’s one of the mom things I know I can do well (with her). Her hair is just like mine so it’s easy.

We’ll probably grab some food while we are out today too. If you’re gonna bust out.. better make it a good one!!

I laid out the plan to Jim last night and he was leery of the target run and asked me about masks. That’s his way of trying to urge us to do the right thing. Such an interesting pickle we’re in right now. And when I say “we” I mean all of us here in Nebraska.

What are the rules is anybody’s guess and mostly it’s “on your honor”. So some times it seems like a free for all and some places you go there are signs that say masks are required. Not sure what will actually go down today. Z doesn’t want to wear a mask. And she said “if I have to, I’m going to make my own so it can at least be cute”. Haha!

All of that doesn’t necessarily make things “Wicked” as the title of this post might suggest. I guess that comes in with the 10 other things I’m putting off while I try to have a successful day parenting.

Lit mag meeting today with my co-eic and I’m no where near ready for that. I had to-dos to do and they are not done. We pushed the website launch from May 1 to May 15 and with the issues we’ve had (and a lack of time) it’s just not going to be ready. Thats 3 days from now.

Even if I busted my ass all day today and tomorrow. I think some things are not baked yet for content. And we kinda need one more team meeting to get actual feedback which was supposed to be live feedback, but that kinda got derailed. Long story. It’s just tough to navigate all the personalities. 🤷‍♀️

What else? I’ve been lacking specificity lately so here’s a very fucking specific list of other things I’m procrastinating:

  1. Dropping off or mailing my thesis. 📬
  2. Sending invites/announcements for Z’s graduation. 📩🎉
  3. Finishing getting my garden in.🌸🌱🌺
  4. Keeping in touch with people. 📞💗
  5. Getting the official paperwork done for the kids’ trusts. Nest accounts, and getting my direct deposit redirected to our new joint account. 📃🖊💰
  6. Follow up on the UNL stuff for Z. ✅✅✅
  7. Cleaning the toilets. 🚽 🧽
  8. Following up on my writing/submissions/rejections.📃❌👎🏻 And updating my own personal website.
  9. Opening and Filing my snail mail. 🐌 📭
  10. Fixing my poor eating behaviors. 😂😂🤣

Well friends. If you’re still reading, I’ll be sending you an official certificate verifying your sainthood. By the way, sending that out will be #34 on my actual list so don’t hold your breath. 😉

That’s my hour. Feels good to get a whole hour!

Peace and love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-11 No Rest For the Wicked

I worked all weekend. I didn’t have a weekend. It’s Monday and I’m exhausted. And there’s miles to go and I don’t even have time to say what I want to say or write what I want to write or have the quality time I so desperately need.

A person can do this for a while. You know, but it’s not sustainable and the Universe help me if I haven’t learned my lesson by now. So many trips around the sun. So many missed opportunities to gaze at the moon. Life has handed my a good life on a silver platter and I waste it. Shame, shame, shame on me.

I’m hanging my head low and at the same time, my heart races to dive into things. There’s a light in my eyes when I see the shiny things. And somehow, I just, just can’t help myself.

I do want to get specific here. I owe myself more than these nebulous thoughts. I want to remember what it was today when I get to tomorrow and today turns into yesterday, before yesterday fades into the past.

But there’s no time now. Damnit!!

My fingers are crossed for today and tomorrow.

Tick-Tock,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-08 Navigation

Navigation is easy, when you have a map. I find that in matters of the human heart, we rarely have a map. We only know where we have been and can say with confidence, “I know that territory well” (for better or worse) but when can we ever say we know where we are going? The answer, my friends, is rarely.

It’s now almost 11PM on a Friday and I’m three quarters drunk and 7/8s the way to sleepy town. Sitting on my couch trying to stay awake long enough to greet my husband and his best friend as then emerge from their outside-guy-chat. Some much needed bro time after not getting to “hang out” for a little while.

The good news for me is that I got to have a friend over too. We had a lovely catch up session, albeit not long enough for me. I probably could have chatted for hours and hours but felt leery of running my mouth too much while drinking. The last thing I want is to become annoying or make someone not want to come back again. Always overthinking things as usual.. Ha!

Where was I? Oh yeah, matters of the human heart. Where was I going with that? The answer, my friends, is I don’t know. That was my point I guess. I don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t ever seem to know until we get there, wherever there is. Or get far past it, whatever it was.

Did I mention I’ve been drinking? And that I’m tired? Please excuse the fuzzy nonsense. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, in writing, is that if you are not specific enough. If the writing is too generic or nebulous, it’s not interesting to the reader. Probably if anyone who might have stumbled across this post and started reading has stopped already and maybe THAT is exactly what I wanted to have happen because if nobody is reading, and I think that nobody is reading, then I can let the truths at the heart of me guide my writing instead of worrying too much about perceptions.

Like it or not, part of human nature is to worry about other people’s perceptions of us and though as we age, it seems to matter less and less, it’s still always there.

As such, I’m acutely aware that Everything I write shapes that perception and though I’d like to say I don’t give a fuck, I do.

It’s one of the things I have been trying to work on. That worry and my writing. That worry in my conversations, especially with new-ish friends. I guess I just need to let my freak flags fly and if that is off-putting then it is what it is. I don’t know where this is going. See, I’m still being nebulous. 🙄 I blame the Frixinet.

I want to be more specific, but my brain is not able to pull in specifics at this point. It knows where it wants to go, which is to sleepy town and I guess that’s my cue.

Thanks for the flowers and the friendship!

Gnight friends.
Love you all,
~Miss SugarCookie .

2020-05-08 Looking Forward and Daydreaming about the Return of Normal

I’m feeling good today. Things “feel” like they are going my way again. It’s the end of the workweek and I’ve accomplished a lot and have a good plan for how the next month or two are going to play out. There’s a lot to do but my contribution is important and that means a lot to me.

The birthday of my son came and went but the family celebration will be this weekend. It’s nice to have that to look forward to. In general, it’s nice to have things to look forward to.

Today (fingers crossed) I’ll be getting to see a friend of mine in person. You know, it’s been exactly two months since I’ve seen a friend in person. March 8th I met Jackson at Elmwood park by his house. At that time I was already on a level of lockdown that required we meet outside. Two months seems like a long time.

I mean, we’ve done what we can, you know. Going for drives and walks and of course necessary trips to the grocery. And yes, I’ve seen people virtually over zoom, but there’s no substitute for the real thing. I’m talkin bout seeing people you love in person. Even for an introvert such as myself, it’s an important part of what is missing from my life right now.

I miss my happy hours with Sam and Lunches with Ryan and Vis and Barbie, and Jazzercise with Leah. I miss seeing my friend Amy on the regular and coffee and walking with Joshua. I miss planning my spring trip to Austin and conspiring to visit my people in Colorado, which is a growing crew.

So for me, getting to maybe see Michelle today is super special! I mean, Jim is having his work partner over maybe too and I’m all like “what is good for the goose is good for the gander.” Right?!

They pushed my daughters actual graduation out to August and that doesn’t leave me with a lot of confidence in planning anything this summer. Still.. I’ve got my eyes and ears open for the official rules and the minute things ease up to the point we can have a party, I’m totally planning that. And traveling. And lunch meetups and happy hours. Real stuff. Not virtual.

We have much to celebrate and the fact that it’s all on pause is eating away at me. I just have to remind myself that it could be way worse and to just be grateful that these are my only worries during this crisis.

I think that’s gonna be it today and that’s a good sentiment to finish on. Gratitude! So much to look forward to, and I’ll take all I can get!!

Happy Friday.
XOXOXO,
~Miss SugarCookie