2021-10-02 A Fresh Start for Fall 🍁

A new month has been born and with it we enjoy the most ironic season of all; when juxtaposition reigns supreme. 

The weather gets cooler yet we become cozy and warm as we gather around fires, sip hot drinks, and swap our summer wardrobes with sweaters, boots, and hats.

It’s the season where the nights become longer than the days and creepy, spooky things emerge from the darkness. We get caught up in scary stories, delight in the jump-scare, and celebrate by knocking on doors for candy. How strange and wonderful!

The farmers markets start to thin and we have to mentally prepare for what we all know is coming. We curse those who speak of the next season, especially those who say that four letter dirty word that starts with “S.”

“A pox on your house!” I say!

Even the spiders know what’s coming and scurry to find ways to get inside.

Yeah. That’s how I know. I’ve seen so many spiders in my house in the past few weeks and I know they are looking for good nooks to bed down for the winter. And believe me, this damn castle I live in has plenty of hiding spaces. Too many. 

The last few days I’ve been stepping on my own last nerve and it culminated in my husband and I getting into a fight on what was supposed to be a fun Friday night trip to Walmart. 

Well, we don’t really fight. It’s kind of like I get into a mood and start acting like a grump, criticizing his behaviors. I know when I’m being that way but I’m really just acting out so he’ll let me open up and tell him what’s wrong. After that, I apologize and he says he’s sorry too and we continue on. They are the most boring “fights” ever.

I know myself. I know I need certain things and if I don’t get them, it’s tough for me to pull myself out of a mood. Sometimes there’s nothing that can be said or done. Sometimes it’s just circumstance and I have to get over it, get to bedtime, and treat the next day as a new day and fresh start.

This week was a challenge. The primary things I need are alone time and exercise and I wasn’t getting either. I just like to be alone long enough to think through how I’m feeling. Yes, it also helps to talk with other people, but I maybe take more time than other people to process.

Jim bought me a workout tee for my birthday that says “hold on while I overthink this.” Spot on! 

Anyway, my mom was discharged from the hospital on Thursday and neither my sister nor I were prepared. Someone needs to be with her 24/7 for a little bit and we had to scramble to figure out coverage. I ended up spending the night on Thursday and by the time I left on Friday I was spent. That’s probably when my bad mood really took hold. 

I didn’t hit my step quota this week and I’ve barely had time to watch any trash Tv. 😜 No wonder I’m a grump! 

But… It’s a new day AND a new month and I’m ready to embrace sweaters, early sunsets, and being amused by the cats toying with the newest residents of our castle. 🐱🕷🐱🕷🐱🕷🐱

Today I’m going to get my steps AND have some quality “me” time before diving into being the good daughter, wife, sister, mother, and friend again.

That includes writing this blog and maybe going for a bit of a jog while I watch master chef. 

With that, I bid thee adieu, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-29 An Epic Rant from a Terrible Daughter…

You know that saying?.. How does it go?..  “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

It’s something like that. 

Well… fuck that saying. There is absolutely nothing good I have to say about this situation with my mother but I’m done being the good daughter. At least here in my own private Universe that’s completely open for the entire Universe to read/translate/interpret and judge. I don’t care. 

She’s stepping on my last nerve and what can I do because she’s the cancer patient who just had major surgery. Anything I say and do that’s not good-daughterly will be perceived poorly. I’ll be marked as a horrible human being for life. 

The truth is I’m just tired because I didn’t sleep well and had bad dreams. She’s called me and texted and texted and called. I know I threw myself into work today and tried to ignore my own irritation. Eventually I made my way to the hospital, timing it so that I’d only be able to stay an hour. 

I know. I need examples to back me up. Ok. 

She literally called me because she was done with her breakfast and the nurse call button had fallen out of her reach and she wanted the number to call the unit to get someone to come to her aid. 

To do what? Take her tray away? To fluff her pillow? To move her chapstick a little closer? Put the water jug out of view because she hates drinking water and seeing it is making her upset? 

Not kidding. 

It must be tough being seriously OCD and having everything outside your control. Let me tell you it’s also difficult being on the receiving end of all that neediness. 

Ok. Maybe she really needed something. Pain meds maybe. But yesterday she complained they were pushing too many meds into her and she was confident that all that was keeping her from feeling better. 

She’s called a second time because the hospital kitchen doesn’t have the “pink” packets of sweetener. She absolutely can’t drink tea without that. And nothing else tastes right and she doesn’t want to put my sister out of her way to run by the house or go to the grocery. 

So why is she calling ME? It’s ok to put me out? 

All I wanted to do this afternoon was take a nap so I could be fresh for a little quality time with my husband tonight. But that didn’t happen. Because she called again, just as I was drifting off. This time it was to let me know she was being discharged tomorrow. Way ahead of schedule, might I add. 

It’s great news she’s doing well enough to go home so soon but at that moment all I could think was “there goes my Thursday.” I’m a terrible person. 

I made sure she knew I was trying to nap. 

I followed that by texting minutes later that she should think about a grocery list so we could have the things at the house she wanted when she gets home.

In the weeks and days leading up to the surgery she knew she would not be home for a while so she used up or threw out anything that would go bad. In her own words there is nothing left she would want when she gets home. So I’m just trying to be proactive. 

She texts she needs a bag of ice, milk, and New York style vanilla ice cream specifically from Family Fare. That’s it. 

That’s it?? 

No.. that’s not it. I remember this rodeo. Every time someone shows up at her house she’ll act like she’ll die if she doesn’t get what she’s craving. This results in another trip to the grocery every day (or Panera or Taco John’s, or Qdoba, or McCallister’s deli). 

She’ll remember the rodeo too and the bar has already been set. I swear I’m not going to the grocery store unless I get a full list to stock her refrigerator and pantry. 🙄

***

My sister just texted me about the artificial sugar drama and said she’s also “not ready for this.” 

I know it’s expensive in the hospital but couldn’t they keep her for a few more days like they promised. 🤣

Aaaaannnnyway…

That’s probably enough of a rant for one day.

Peace, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-19 And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack…

And you may find yourself in another part of the world

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”

I’m going to leave the past in the past and the future in the future today. I’m not going to let my mind wander into Tuesday or Wednesday or the end of the month. I want to focus on today and this moment and how I’m feeling, which is grateful and at peace with life. Today it’s all ok.

Today I went with my husband to take his dad to the grocery. His dad is in his 80s and doesn’t drive anymore. He’s full of vinegar and has lots of stories to tell. This morning was the one about the first time he had to be in charge of the ER in whatever rural community he served as a young physician. 

He was Twenty-five and nearing the end of that first rotation. It was the end of a long shift and a man came into the ER asking to borrow a wheelchair. As the conversation unfolded it turns out he shot his wife.

After that the story being told turns into a longer explanation of how the man came to be in that rural area with this woman, the truth of which is questionable. They had just gotten married and were driving to meet his family in Gretna Nebraska.

Whatever the full story was, it lead to the moment when he shoots the woman… to keep her from being hysterical? She’s hysterical because she’s just found out he’s already married with a family. Whoa!!

In my head I’m thinking “so he shot her on purpose??!!” But the punchline to the story was actually that the bullet hit some part of her insides that somehow saved her life. 

“An inch to the left and she’d have been dead immediately.” Is how that story ends. And that’s it.

He proceeds to ask me if I know what a store is called that only sells women’s hats. And then tells me the answer which I promptly forgot as he moved on to telling some other story about some shop in Ireland. I’m guessing it was a hat store, but I can’t be sure. 

Our trip to the market was uneventful and after returning home we saddled up the bikes and made a beeline for our favorite trail—around Lake Wehrspann. 

It was an ok ride but ohhhh the wind!! 

My Fitbit recorded that we rode for 33 minutes and I burned 171 calories with an average heart rate of 116 bpm. 

After that we drove to First Watch where I had brunch which was about 1000 calories (at least). Yeah… that’s about right. 

Stepping on the scale this morning I had gained two pounds since yesterday and the only way that makes sense is that I’m retaining water. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. 😜

I might try that intermittent fasting thing again this week. I’m also going to make a serious push to reduce my caffeine this week and am going to abstain from coffee. I’m going to do it. I really am! 

In other news, I’m back up to 40 active submissions. This means that I’ve got essays and poems under consideration with 40 different publishers. My goal is to be up to 50 by the end of the month. 

A few months ago I said that I was going to begin submitting to more “reputable” places. So far I feel as if I’ve failed to do that. It’s because my confidence has waned and also because, for some reason, it’s easier to just keep doing what I have been doing. Most of the journals I come across in the Submittable platform are fledgling, just like The Good Life Review. 

I’ve already gone on too long or I’d dive head first into describing the algorithm I created to “score” a publisher with a set of weighted criteria. Perhaps that should be where I start tomorrow? But I’m not thinking about tomorrow, remember??!! 😂

In any case. It remains to be seen.

All will be revealed in time. 

Once in a lifetime, 

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Title and opening lines by the Talking Heads. Such a great song.

2021-09-18 Just Another Typical Saturday with a Side of Health Updates

Today is Saturday and I’m walking on the treadmill while things are still peaceful here in the castle. It’s going to be a busy day. 

I’ve got a poetry workshop I’m looking forward to attending that starts at 10am and after that my son is having a group of friends over to the house for a game day. Not football or video games but a gathering of magic, or rather Magic the Gathering. I’m no stranger to this as his dad was (and may still be) into that card game. All I really remember about it though, were boxes upon boxes of cards and an insatiable appetite to buy more. He and his crew had to buy new packs every time they played. Whoever invented the game is a genius. What a racket! 

I digress. 

I’m happy he’s having friends over. He hasn’t done that much before and I’m hoping this becomes a regular thing. People need people in real life. Face to face and not just faceless across the wires of the internet.

I’m also going with my husband to visit both my parents today. I saw my dad a few days ago and he’s struggling and needs something that he’s not equipped to figure out. His health is a concern, both mentally and physically, and I really don’t know how to help him either. But we’re going to chat about it some more anyhow. 

My mom and her health issues are next level compared to that though. She’s just finished six months of chemotherapy for her stage 3C ovarian Cancer and on the threshold of another major surgery. That’s actually happening this week and I fully expect it to consume my thoughts and time. I’m sure there will be several blog posts about all of that tumbling out soon, but today’s visit is all about making sure Jim and I understand the status of her affairs and know where all her important papers are. 

I’m her power of attorney for health matters and named executor of her will. It’s not the type of thing I want to think about or talk about but I get that she needs to because she’s facing the reality of her age and circumstance. She’s going to be fine through this, though, I am certain.

With what little time I have to myself this morning, I’m considering my own health. 

It’s no secret I’ve struggled with chronic fatigue, poor sleep, and had issues focusing on anything requiring mental energy late in the day. Yeah, by about 8pm I’m useless and it creeps in  earlier and earlier each day the more time passes. 

Two weeks ago I went to a new doctor who ran a bunch of labs to look for clues. In truth, I picked that doc because he’s one of very few physicians in Omaha that does testosterone therapy for women. That’s really what I was after. I knew going in he would be treating me as any internist would, with comprehensive care and not just what I was asking for. Hence all the labs. 

There were no surprises in the results. I’m pretty healthy for my age. It’s good news, yes, but also just a touch frustrating because there IS nothing obviously wrong with me. Nothing big anyway. 

My hormone levels are ok and I might be entering what is called perimenopause but if I am, it’s super early. My thyroid is ok except for a slightly low T3 value for which I was prescribed a new med. Subclinical hypothyroidism is the official lingo but based on what the internet and my husband says, it’s not typically treated. 

Still, I grasp onto it because it’s something. It’s frustrating to have issues where the cause is elusive and nebulous. Maybe it is not why I’m feeling the way I am but the thought of taking a med that’s going to potentially speed my metabolism and give me more energy sounds like something worth trying. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge fan of taking prescriptions. I’d love to find a more natural, homeopathic solution. I’m just at the end of the sidewalk trying to figure it out. If I wasn’t, there’s no way in hell I’d let someone put extra testosterone in my body. What nonsense, but again, seems worth trying. 

The doc also sold me some vitamins and  supplements. Vitamin A, D, and K and something called methyl factors. My hubby gave me the serious side eye when I told him. All I can say is that they are vitamins and what can it hurt? 

I’m pairing all these new pills I’m putting in my body with a mindset that it WILL have a positive effect and that I’m going to help by eating healthier and cutting down on the ridiculous amount of caffeine I’ve been ingesting lately. 

Only time will tell. 

One things for sure… I’m going to need all the strength and energy I can muster to get through the next few weeks with gratitude and grace. 

With that. My time is up. 

Cheers to the Weekend, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-10 What’s New for Little Miss S?

What a doozie?! What’s up? What’s down? What repeats and goes round and round?… 

“Little Miss S in a mini-dress”

What can I say? I’m a hot mess this week. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Monday was a holiday and I was already so done with “taking care” of the household I just wanted to be left alone. So when Tuesday arrived and everyone else had to go back to work and school I felt relief but was already a day behind on my work week and that caused me to be super grumpy. 

Litter boxes, laundry, dishes, cats, cleaning, cooking, groceries, trash. And a few “honey could you please” requests from my darling husband on his way out the door. 

All needing to be done by 2pm so I could make it to yet another doctors appointment. Another new doctor, for yet another professional assessment of what the hell is wrong with me. 

The symptoms? Afternoon fatigue (bordering on sheer exhaustion), brain fog, lack of motivation, low libido, waves of sadness, unexpected spikes of anger. What’s new? None of that but in the past few weeks a new physical symptom has been added to the list. 

My right hand and fingers go numb and tingly for no apparent reason. Or at least it seems like no reason. It happens and then I move about a little bit and shake it out until it goes away. Quite literally thinking of T-Swift’s song “Shake it off” right now. 

I deal with this new development lightly on my own for about a week and then consult the doc. My doc. His quick assessment is that I’ve got compressed discs C6 and C7 is what I think he said. He shows me a diagram about how the nerves in your hand are connected to the spine and when those discs are “pinched” it’s just like cutting off the circulation. 

This makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes it goes all the way to my pinky finger and I think that’s C8, but mostly it’s my thumb and palm and first two fingers. And also predominantly my right hand.

He’s quick to this assessment because he also has compressed discs which he’s told me for years will eventually require surgery. Surgery of the spine? No thanks!! 

Right now he treats his own issues with traction. It’s an apparatus hanging in the bathroom on the closet door and it’s self administered. He urges me to try it and shows me how.

It operates with a weight and pulley system. The weight is a bag of water you can adjust easily and that’s connected by a wire to some straps you fit around your noggin to pull you head up when you let go of the safety bar. The idea is pulling apart the spine gently thereby releasing the pressure caused by compression. 

Five minutes, once a day and it should help. Unless you are me and you don’t hear the part about five minutes and you start with too much water in the bag. I didn’t feel it right away, but it totally fucked my neck up in one shot. 

That was Monday or Tuesday and so by Wednesday I was in serious pain and could hardly move my head around at all. Especially side to side. Then Wednesday night it got so bad it messed with my sleep and I hardly slept at all. This resulted in Thursday (yesterday) being an absolute shit show.

After scrambling at the beginning of the week trying to get caught up on chores, I had naturally pushed some meet-ups and to-do items down the line and all this culminated in the perfect storm of misery. I literally could not make it to 9am before I started panicking and cancelling and self administered pep-talks about how it was going to be ok. 

The first casualty was my dad who I have been trying to visit on Thursdays on a regular basis. I pushed that to the weekend. Then it was J who I promised to play pickleball with but have been putting off for several weeks now, and then finally… when I realized I needed sleep and would not be able to make it through the evening without a nap, I dipped on my friend M, who I was going to take tomatoes and salsa. 

Now I’m on a steroid for my pain and my hand and, like I said, waiting for my next follow up doctor’s appointment to get the results of the labs taken on Tuesday. Hopefully there’s a clue there. But I honestly doubt it. I’ve had all these labs, thyroid, hormones, cmp, etc done before (about a year ago) and it was all normal. 

I might try to log into the patient portal of that last office to get those labs so I can see how these compare. Modern medicine… good grief! 

I’ve got other stories to tell. Lots more on my mind suddenly but the day is waiting and all the nonsense this week has caused me to be dreadfully far behind. 

Stay Frosty My Friends! 

~Little Miss SugarCookie in a Mini-Dress

PS. I’m not at all like the little Miss S in that New Bohemian’s song. The lyric just works cuz I love mini-dresses. 🤷‍♀️

2021-09-05 Working through Control Issues

This morning I’m thinking about control. I’m thinking about how to truly let go of something I have no control over and more than that questioning why I let something I know is out of my control dig at my insides. 

My day yesterday was consumed with taking a car in for an audio upgrade, getting a bike for my daughter to use on campus from Craig’s list, and catching up on different house projects. The goal for me is always about balance and all that had to be over and done with by 4:30 ish so Jim and I could get ready for our double date. 

We planned a morning bike ride and that did not happen because Of timing and the bike search. I wanted to get some steps in the afternoon and that did not happen because my time was hijacked by the realization that a group of folks from my MFA program have just launched their own lit mag. This, folks, is the thing that set my anxiety off, for whatever reason, and then all of a sudden I felt threatened and insecure about my own endeavors. 

Yes, I realize my insecurity and anxiety were not rational, but it took root anyhow and pretty soon I could not stop thinking about all the things “we” at the GLR could be doing better. Everything we have not been able to do and all the things I’ve personally been procrastinating. I worry that people on our staff will decide to leave us and join their team instead. I worry about other things too, but I know it’s irrational and don’t even want to acknowledge these worries. 

Instead, I want to be a better person and let go of that which I can’t control. I know there are literally hundreds of online lit mags and hundreds of publishers operating out in the wide world today and one more doesn’t affect us. I want to congratulate those people I know who are finally realizing a dream they’ve had even before the GLR was a seed planted in our heads. I want to embrace this circumstance as positive because it means more success for people from our MFA program. It’s win-win and that’s the way I want to view it. 

Still, it takes me a while to sort through my feelings and the information is so new. And.. get this… since they just opened for submissions (unpaid) I happened to have already sent in a poem. 

This shows how little I’m paying attention to the places I’m submitting. I read their mission and vision but did not visit the masthead. If I had, I probably would not have sent something in since there is too much IRL connection. Or maybe that’s ok and I’m just overthinking it. I’m not sure. 

In any case, I felt compelled to reach out to each person individually and congratulate them on their launch. It takes me a while to compose exactly what I want to say and so that consumed some of my time in the afternoon. However, after that was done, I did feel better about all of it. It was good. 

I was able to enjoy my sushi double date with some new friends and, getting back home by 9, get to enjoy and early evening bedtime. Yes it was Saturday and I’m old and lame but I don’t care. I was spent. 

Here’s the rub.. I had rotten dreams all night, restless sleep, and woke up feeling anxious again. Good gravy!! What in the Universe am I supposed to do now?! 

I know it’s not all about that one thing. I’ve got a host of feelings about different things eating at me. Angst about my relationships with my parents, a new experiment my husband has asked me to partake in regarding the news, and strangely enough, the drop-deadline for materials for my book. I need (need need need) to get those things submitted and ASAP.

What I feel like I need is one or two days in isolation to get on top of all of the things that are under my control. I just want several hours of uninterrupted time. Not 30 minutes to scramble and do something half-ass. Ugh!! 

Today. unfortunately is not going to be a day for that. Today my focus is spending time with the family and then going to Lincoln to spend some time with my darling daughter and bring her some things she needs to be successful this semester (including that bike we picked up yesterday). 

That all starts now. And my treadmill time is done. 

With peace and love and rainbow rolls, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-02 New Month, Same Ole Miss SugarCookie 🍑

We’ve officially turned over the month are on the fast track to pumpkin spice latte season and sweater weather. 

I’m doing pretty good this week and trying to stay focused on my to-do list while balancing managing the household and nurturing my interpersonal relationships. 

If I haven’t written about the resurgence of the lunch/happy hour meetups, it’s because up till recently I was still snug in my pandemic hidey-hole. On one hand it was good for me to disconnect for a while and not put too much pressure on my introverted, anxiety plagued self to get out there and be social. 

On the other hand… people need people. I know this to be true so I sometimes have to force myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my meetups with friends but I have a history of over committing my time and then feeling like a failure when I can’t get it “all” done. 

If you read my last post you know that the one thing that hasn’t suffered is my commitment to exercise. In fact, I probably spend too much time on the treadmill and if all things seem to set aside that first hour of my morning (after house chores) to that. The rest of the world be damned, I’m going to get my steps. 

My sacrifice is consequently everything else.. my writing, revising, researching, submitting, working on the lit mag, and yes… my meetups with friends. But like I said, I seem to be finding time to do that this week. 

So far this week I’ve met up with Margret, Sam, and Michelle and have a lunch meet up today plus visiting both my parents tomorrow. In the grand scheme, visiting my parents doesn’t really count because that is an obligation more than a benefit to my mental health like the others. 

***

I paused just then to think about the fact that last week was my birthday and my mom made a point to meet me and my sister for lunch last weekend but my dad didn’t even text me on my birthday. 

On his birthday this year we took him out to dinner. And on mine he didn’t even text to wish me well. He texted the day after and said “sorry, I forgot.” Whatever. 

Yesterday was his wife’s birthday. His wife who passed away last November. And since then I’ve been trying to visit regularly to make sure he’s ok, but each time I do I get little reminders of how his step children and grand children are much closer. Last night when we spoke on the phone he made a point to tell me he went out to dinner with them for her birthday. To one of her favorite restaurants. And he had two glasses of pinot Grigio. He had just opened another bottle at home and was clearly tipsy when we talked. 

I don’t blame him. It’s got to be so tough to lose your spouse of 30 years and have your whole life change so quickly. But damn if he just doesn’t seem to show me the same love he shows those girls. What am I gonna do? The answer is nothing. 

Suck it up, keep visiting, and enduring the comments and realities I’m faced with. What else can I do? 

Anyway, that’s apparently what’s on my mind today. Well that and the fact that we had a plumber over two days ago and I came home last night to water in the basement again from that overflowing drain. I effffing hate this house. I really do. I don’t care how great people think living in this castle must be. When every single damn day brings a new broken down thing, it gets really old after a while. 

That’s it for today lest I launch into yet another rant. Ain’t nobody got time for that! 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-08-30 Confession Time… (dun-dun-dunnnn)

Confessions? There are confessions to be made? 

Well. Yes.  I think so. 

Several things have happened this month and I’ve not been writing about this and that like I usually do. One might even say Miss SugarCookie has been AWOL in August. It’s true. 

I’ve previously lamented about not feeling like writing or not having much to write about but in all honesty that’s never stopped me before. So many days and weeks of my life have gone by and I’ve always figured out what’s most on my mind to muse about. Lots of spins around familiar broken records, lots of days when the biggest news was the weather. So how has the last month been different? 

First I’m going to blame TV. More specifically several shows that piqued my interest. Which has also happened in the past so that can’t be the full story. 

Next, I blame cardio. Well, not exactly cardio because that’s not a thing or a person, but it is a goal. It started with my desire to add a certain amount of cardio to my exercise each day. You know.. for my heart health. My original goal was 20 minutes of cardio at least 6 days a week. 

But I HATE running and jogging and have only ever been able to get my heart rate really up there with exercise classes, like Jazzercise. Which I really enjoyed and actually did for several years. But when the pandemic hit, I quit Jazzercise. Then when things started to return to normal, I was on the fence about it and tried some other classes. Nothing stuck. 

Then one morning I thought I would jog on the treadmill and distract myself by watching an episode of the bachelor. Actually, I think it was the bachelorette. KT’s season. Oh yeah.. that stuck. 

Before I knew it, I was getting not 20 but 30, 40, and 50 minutes of cardio every day. Straight up jogging like I’ve never been able to do before. I was actually looking forward to it and would binge several episodes at a time. I was burning calories while being entertained! It was a total win-win!! 💃💃

The loser? This blog. Sadly I can’t jog and type at the same time or that would totally be a thing. I know it would be a thing because when I first started blogging from the gym, I used to type while I was on the elliptical machine. My machine. Same time, same machine every morning. Those were some days for sure.

 I digress. 

I abandoned that gym and machine when I moved to a different part of town and got hitched. Now my gym is in the basement of my castle and the treadmill is my machine of choice so I took up walking and writing instead. 

That is, until this cardio thing happened. I really thought it would be short lived. I mean there are only so many episodes of bachelor and bachelorette on Hulu. Eventually I would run out (no, they do not have every season available or I would probably be able to watch for a really long time). Sure enough, Katie T. picked her man and that was the end of that. 

Except, it wasn’t. I found another show, shortly before Z and I went to California called Master Chef and apparently it is kind of a big deal. Now THAT show has some power over me I don’t quite understand. It is the same thing every episode and I still get so sucked in that I can’t stop watching. But I’m still jogging so it’s good for me right??! 😉

Fast forward through the entire month of August and I just finished season three while I was jogging on the treadmill this morning. I literally promised myself that when this season was over, I would quit watching and get back to writing every day. I said, “September is a new month and a new opportunity to refresh my daily landscape and either get back to writing or at the very least, begin getting my thoughts down each day. That promise was made just a few short days ago as my birthday week was winding down. 

Today, I broke down (already) while eating dinner alone and watched episode 1 of season 4. But I can quit anytime, I swear. 😜

I suppose there are worse things to be addicted to. 

So that’s it. That’s my big confession. I’ve been slacking on my writing because I’ve been using the morning hours I have to myself to binge watch a cooking show. Oh yeah, and Bachelor in Paradise just started a few weeks ago so now I’m totally watching TWO shows at once. At least that one is only out once a week so I can’t binge watch it for 3 episodes at a time. 

As I always say, though, the key to life is balance. So instead of swearing off TV (or cardio) I am going to commit to doing a better job of balancing my time so that I can write and walk and watch and jog. ⚖️

On that note, it is about 7:30 PM and I had to exit the gym because my husband’s son wants to work out and probably wants to be alone. I know if I was him, I would not want my step mom milling about while I listened to my music and did my own thing. 

Maybe tomorrow will be more balanced and I’ll actually write two days in a row. Only time will tell. 

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-08-18 Mood Math

It’s been another week. Another 7 days since I’ve put two sentences together on a page, virtual or otherwise. Maybe this is the new me, the new Miss SugarCookie who posts once a week instead of once a day. If I was doing that, I’d want to make sure each week is one heck of a good post. Should it be Wednesdays? Is that the right day? Or perhaps Thursdays because the week is over half over and there’s usually a good vibe cruising into the weekend. 

I wish I could say I have a good vibe right now. I’d settle for an OK vibe. 

Instead I feel downright rotten again and the regularity of this funk is starting to get to me. 

Last week I blamed PMS and for sure when my period finally (FINALLY) showed up, I did feel a little better. But here we are on Wednesday again and I’m twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the sun to set so I can crawl into bed without taking too much grief about my mood or my lack of energy (or desire or motivation or whatever). 

I really have no excuse for being in a bad mood today. Nothing substantial anyhow. I mean, I tried to donate blood and failed. Low hemoglobin. That’s no big deal. I took some grief for not buying any bottled water at the grocery this week. Excuse me for not wanting to fill the land with plastic. I’m tired as hell and am easily annoyed by people. That’s kind of a big deal. 

I haven’t written anything in forever and have received one rejection after another via email. That could be something. My daughter left for college this week (or rather, I took her) and so I am missing not having her here to talk to after work. Also probably a bigger deal than I realize. I constantly feel unimportant and like I don’t matter to anyone. Yeah, now we are getting somewhere. 

So my kids don’t really need me. I have no job. My husband doesn’t really need me and is extremely busy. I’m his 3rd or 4th priority and I feel like our relationship only gets attention when he has time off of work. That’s to be expected with his job and business and kids who all come before me. 

Did I mention that I was tired? I’m literally typing on my laptop on my lap and can feel my eyes getting heavy. I might just stretch out this overstuffed arm chair and try to sleep. We’ll see if that makes me feel better…

*** 

Nope. And neither did the ice cream I just had. 

Oh.. and did I mention my birthday is next week? Maybe that’s the real reason I’ve been so down lately. Birthdays don’t usually get me down but then again I get older every year and so every birthday is just a reminder that my time is running out.

But it shouldn’t get me down because I probably have another 50 years to live. Not even on the downhill slide yet. 50 more years to make the most out of life. 

If I get an average of 10,000 steps a day that’s 182.5 million steps. That’s a lot of freaking steps.

If I get an average of seven hours of sleep every night that’s 127,750 hours of sleep. And 310,250 hours awake. That’s a lot of hours. What the heck am I supposed to do with all that time?! What do I want to do? What would make me feel better about how I’m spending that time? 

I just don’t know. 

You know sometimes I think I have life all figured out but I really don’t. I haven’t got a clue. I suppose it will always feel that way sometimes. 

I suppose the moods really come and go and I shouldn’t worry too much that I’m too depressed or stressed or anxious or, the universe forbid, happy and thinking any minute something bad is going to happen. Is that what it is now? Things are too good and I’m concerned it’s too good to be true and the next disaster is just around the bend??!! 

Good gravy, my brain is twisted. 

*** 

On second thought… that ice cream did make me feel a little bit better so I think I’ll have some more. 

If I eat one bowl of ice cream every day for the next 50 years, that’s about 18,250 bowls of ice cream. But you know what I always say… Today is a good day to start. 🤷‍♀️

That’s it for now, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-09 All’s Well that Ends Well

I’ve got just a little time today, and at the very least wanted to document for posterity that the day yesterday turned out ok despite the conflicted emotions over cancelled plans and personal insecurities. I went to CB and had a nice time with my friends (after my obligatory weekly visit with my dad, who is also in CB). 

We met at Cellar 19 for a quick drink with my husband and her husband before her and I headed out to our other girlfriend’s house for charcuterie and more wine. It was a nice time with easy conversation and after the initial social anxious feeling subsided, I was fine. 

I don’t think people who don’t have social anxiety understand that even meeting friends—people you live and trust, can be stressful. 

Other than that, I made a good dent in my list yesterday and am continuing on the same path today. The first order of business, though, was to take my daughter to the allergist to be tested. 

She’s been just miserable lately and Allegra isn’t helping much. She’s been popping Benadryl like nobody’s business and that comes with some unsavory side effects. She wanted to get her options and also find out what the biggest causes are. 

They test for 56 different kinds of allergens by putting tiny doses in a grid pattern on your back with little needles. There’s minimal pain associated but a fair level of discomfort while you wait 20 minutes for them to “read” the results and then apply cream to alleviate the severe itch. 

She had at least a mild reaction to 95% of the allergens, and a more moderate reaction to about half, and a severe reaction to about 10 things, including several kinds of grasses, trees, mold, and of course cats and dogs. 

She loves her pets and can’t imagine life without them and is also planning to have both cats and dogs when she has her own place so she’s 100% all in with getting desensitization shots. It’s probably better she starts them now while she’s still under our insurance. It’s 3-5 years of shots and I had no idea that was a thing. 

As a kid I had seasonal allergies quite terribly and just suffered. I can remember every single year I was so excited about the first hard-freeze. Like serious happy dancing seeing frost and snow. It was trees, grass, dust, and who knows what else but it always subsided when winter arrived. 

I’ve pretty much grown out of all that but still take an allergy pill daily, apparently the most mild and reportedly least effective one on the market. After hearing that today, I’m considering quitting it altogether just to see if I can tell a difference. 

The doc said, “yeah, that one is like water… there’s nothing in it.” 😜

I think that’s it today. It’s definitely time to roll into the weekend. Calgon (and Jim)… take me away! 

With Peace and Love and Margaritas, 

~Miss SugarCookie