2021-04-11 Exhale and Release

Yesterday was a doozie. Hold up. This whole week has been kind of off the rails. I’m trying. I really am. And I’m truly doing the best I can. 

Yesterday the stress of the lit mag going live (and frankly being over a week behind the original release schedule) got to me and by the end of the afternoon, had triggered a migraine. It was terrible timing. 

I had previously committed myself to a social engagement which I did not want to miss. By 4 in the afternoon, after staring at a damn screen all day AND trying and failing to polish my “letter from the editor,” I developed a nasty headache and was worried it would prevent me from making the gathering. 

I hit the headache with all I had, ibuprofen, Tylenol, and sumatriptan. I would have tried to lay down for 15 minutes but there just wasn’t time. There wasn’t even time for me to shower, which was also quite undesirable. I basically only had time to change, put on some mascara and lipgloss and go. 

Normally I would also have a glass wine to calm my social anxiety, but that’s a big-bad idea with a migraine as it would definitely put me down with a quickness. 

The unfortunate set of circumstances put me in the corner at a far table with a group and of folks that I hadn’t met before. I did my best to be social as I suffered from my aching head.  Didn’t even have the spark to get feisty about the game we were playing. Normally the competitive board-gamer in me would override my social awkwardness but last night was not my night. 

The best I could do was make polite small talk, eat a little and drink a little, participate in the game (which was fun) and then say goodbye at the right moment. Like I said, I did the best I could. 

The same goes for the release of the third issue of The Good Life Review. I relied heavily on my friend, M, who is brilliant with web stuff, graphics, and design. I had previously spent hours and hours building the new issue 3 individual pages and the new home page but there’s just something about her special touch that nobody else can match. She’s a gift and I don’t know what I’d do without her. 

I did the best I could, but she really brought it all together. I was going to try to push the release live last night but just couldn’t do it. Instead I woke up this morning before 6am and pulled the trigger. Once I did, I immediately felt a sense of relief wash over me. Not sure what I could do differently with issue 4, but I would like to plan it out so that it’s not as stressful at the end. 

Here’s the result: https://thegoodlifereview.com

Today I would like to gift myself with a little bit of grace before letting my brain get twisted up with ALL the other things that I’ve been procrastinating. 

I don’t want to think about next week. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t. Good gravy I don’t even want to think about the vacation I have coming up very soon. How sad is that??!! I just want to sink into the couch and veg. Watch some trash tv and maybe, if I’m feeling up to it, go to a yoga class or something. 

I know there is no rest for the wicked and the week ahead of me is going to kick my ass again, but I’m still gonna try really hard to NOT think about that today. 

Nope. Not today. 

On that not.. it’s time to make a coffee, drag my tired body to the couch, and find some nonsense to get lost in. 

Cheers to exhaling and finally having a lazy Sunday,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-07 Dirt Therapy and Other Vaccination Day Musings…

I haven’t written much for a few days. But there’s not much to write about. 🤷‍♀️

Spring is in the air and I’m slowly getting into the groove of garden work. This is going to be my year for enjoying one of my favorite activities. This year I don’t have to balance a job with parenting and household responsibilities. This year I’m done with school and can prioritize myself and my health.

A big part of that is mental health. And one of the activities that has done wonders for my mood and outlook on life is digging in the dirt. Literally.

There’s something extremely satisfying about digging deep and turning the soil in the garden. Something soothing about putting a root-ball into the ground and pressing the dirt around it with my fingers and palms. 

Sure it’s wonderful to watch the plants flower and grow veg, but nothing beats the labor of love it takes to get to that point. I even enjoy pulling weeds (within reason). It is for this reason that Spring is my favorite season. 

I mean, something about the air in Spring even smells better than the rest of the year. The temps start to climb but are not unbearable yet and it’s either just rained or it’s about to. 

This week we bought a new hammock and have already enjoyed laying out two evenings. Last night was a little chilly but it was still wonderful to snuggle together and chat about everything and nothing. 

Today I have quite a bit of non-outside work to do around the house and that will keep me busy as the rain showers come and go. I’ve also got lit mag stuff to do, which is never ending, but I’m gonna try not to stress about that. 

And ohhhh…. I almost forgot!! Big news this week with our country opening vaccines for 16 and older, so today is the day we have appointments for everyone in our household that has not yet been vaccinated. I suppose subconsciously that’s another reason I’m in a pretty good mood today. 

Hopefully I can just keep riding this wave and nothing happens to bring me down.

No.. Universe.. that’s not an invitation. Be good! 👀 

That’s it. Time for me to get my cardio on. 

Cheers to Spring and Beginning Again, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-02 What is it they say again about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?….

It’s going to be a beautiful day today and I have every intention of getting out there and enjoying it. I am going to CB and will see my mom but my aim is to spend a little time catching up with my sister. 

But first I’m gonna treat myself to an exercise class called “turbo kick.” The primarily focus of that is cardio but also has elements of core strength and balance. 

April has to be my month. It’s got to be the month I get my act together physically as I keep slipping farther and farther away from my ideal. I try not to get too bent when I gain weight but when my clothes don’t fit, something has to give. 

Jim says I should just buy new. To that I say, no. Nope. No way man. 

Yes, it’s true I could use some new clothes but I do not, not, not want to go up in size. My image of self-worth is damaged enough. I don’t need to add insult to injury by letting my physical self go. 

The reason for the weight gain?.. I’m no idiot and know that it’s not exercise that’s the problem. I think I get enough exercise and have pretty good heart health. All signs point to diet as the source of my problem.

My eating habits are currently very poor and, I may have mentioned a time or two before, but I’m doing my fair share of drinking lately which I believe is a major contributing factor to my weight gain. And I feel like my willpower is non-existent lately. 

I really, really, really have to change something. I really need to work out this healthy eating puzzle or at least find some level of moderation. And it needs to start today. I mean, I was going to start yesterday because it was the start of a new month but I failed miserably last night. 

Evenings are the toughest time. In the mornings I have zero problem sticking to the plan. I don’t even get hungry until 11 or noon and am able to cut out coffee with little more than a shrug. I get my caffeine through a pill and only miss the coffee for the sweet creamy flavor it has. 

It only tastes that way because of the amount of coffee creamer I add. I may as well not include coffee at all and drink the coffee mate right from the bottle! 😜

If I want something hot to drink, I can have an apple cinnamon tea as that doesn’t have caffeine or sugar. But I don’t crave that so I may as well have nothing.

Then I get to 3 or 4 or 5pm and all my resolve goes out the window. I get super hungry and start eating and snack and snack and have dinner and snack some more. And.. if I have a drink with dinner it almost always leads to more drinking.

I dunno. I’ve struggled with this aspect of trying to be healthy for so many years (not the drinking, just the eating healthy), I don’t know if I have it in me to change anything.

So there it is. The rock and the hard place. The place between where I don’t do anything or change anything because it’s just easier to stay the same. But now I’ve gained enough that it’s the heaviest I’ve been in my life (except for when I was pregnant). Something HAS to change.

I don’t have an answer right now. I really wish I did. I suppose like a lot of tough things I just need to take it one day at a time. Today I’m starting again. This time will be different. 

Fingers Crossed, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-30 Woe is the Melancholy Way

Today is the first day in 3 weeks I haven’t had to either go to the ER, the hospital, or my moms house. My sister is driving from Denver as I type this and I feel a weight lifting. 

Last night everyone at my house was otherwise occupied doing their own thing and I took the opportunity to drive out to Flannigan Lake to watch the sunset alone. No talking, walking, music, or writing. Just me and the sounds of nature as the sun slid behind the hill on the opposite side of the lake. 

The sunset was entirely unremarkable, but the moment was still emotional. It could have been a hormone surge or the release after holding my breath for three damn weeks or just a general sadness listening to the prairie birds’ song light up like a signal fire, one after the other, all around me. 

Their coded message traveled from across the lake through the grass field I was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on to the unplowed soybean and corn fields to the north. A trill tale that ended with the start of a response elsewhere. 

I watched one land on a tall reed shooting out of the lake. The reed swayed with the weight of the bird as it gripped the vertical stem. The silhouette of the scene stark with the setting sun behind it. At that moment I thought I should write a poem about it. 

One second later I thought myself out of the idea. Who cares anyway. What’s the point. It’s all just meaningless. That might be what made me want to cry. 

Later that night I had a talk with Jim. I didn’t mention the birds or have the sky looked after the sun had set or the meaningless feelings but I did tell him I felt sad and couldn’t explain why. He just said he understood, and that it made sense to him. 

I’m glad it makes sense to someone. 

I’m not sure where the last 90 minutes have gone. I’ve barely written anything and haven’t yet achieved my daily step goal. But it’s past 10am and I’ve got lots to catch up on so this is gonna be it today. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-29 All Time Can Be “Me Time”… 🧘‍♀️

Our days are filled with responsibilities and tasks and it is common to feel that we don’t have enough time for ourselves in our over scheduled lives. We can cultivate “me time” by establishing mindfulness in our bodies through a steady awareness of our breath or our posture. This gives us the super power of making all time “me” time. No matter what we’re doing, if we are able to stay connected to some aspects of our physical experience, we can be present around the clock.

***

I constantly struggle to balance and rebalance my life and all the things I’ve got going on.

One of the goals I set for myself a few months ago was to meditate daily. I’ve tried again and again to reboot this desire and each time I’ve failed. Each time I find myself failing, I’m quick to blame time. It just slips away and I’m unable to prioritize the meditation over whatever else it is in that moment that’s squeaking louder. 

I’ve evaluated this predicament and asked myself why it is I can be so successful with getting my daily steps in but not meditation. The conclusion again points to time. I already have carved out a dedicated time each day to walking and most days, at six or seven or 8 AM, I don’t yet have anything else that is so pressing that it would prevent me from hitting the treadmill. 

I tried setting a time in the afternoon to meditate, but every damn day, when that time arrived, I was right in the middle of something else or rushing somewhere in the car. I know if I was more adept at meditation, I could do it anywhere, even at a stoplight in the car for 30 seconds. But I’m not that good. I kind of need a quiet space and also to be alone. 

I could probably try first thing after Jim leaves for work in the morning. Or… I can try to reframe my attempts at mindful “me time” with the approach described above. 

Several weeks ago I tried a new exercise venue with different group classes and one of those classes was a “body flow” which is a hybrid yoga, Pilates, and tai chi. I absolutely love the instructor and one of the things she said is that at least once a day she pauses in whatever eyes doing just to take a few really deep breaths. 

She has an alarm for 12:15 each day and that’s her reminder. She said that all the rushing and “short” breaths we utilize all day long are invoking the “fight or flight” instinct and taking the deep breaths gets us out of that stressful state of mind. Doing that exercise, just the deep breathing, is enough to feel better and more relaxed. And unlike my issue with meditation, I can do it anywhere. 

I can also focus on my posture, or do a quick stretch anywhere. Both of those make me feel so good so why wouldn’t I want to just fit little moments in all day long?

Then I ask myself, how different is this from meditation anyway? Focusing on the breath and how the body feels are the key tenets I’ve learned about meditation thus far, so the only difference is the amount of time and my preconceived notions about when and where. 

What better time a there than right now to start treating myself to all sorts of “me time” throughout the day?? There’s not. 

It’s Monday again. I’m ready. Let’s go! 

Cheers to Today, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-23 Radom Rant Tuesday 😒

What’s that saying again?..  If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. 

Yeah. That. 

In my own head I’m bitchy and constantly venting about all irritations, big and small. It’s everything and everyone and I’m not sure what I have to do to get myself out of this mood. Make no mistake, I get that nobody is going to be able to do it but me. I’m responsible, I know, but I’m just not sure what to do.

The problem is that I’m just on the edge and everything is setting me off. Not just other people, but also me, myself, and I. 

Yesterday morning I stepped on the scale and when I saw the number I pointed down at the display and called the scale an asshole. It’s probably the drinking. And eating too of course. I think I’m self medicating with food and alcohol. 

Every morning I resolve to make today different and better, but as the day rolls along all I can think about is what I want to eat for lunch and dinner and how good that glass of wine or vodka lemonade will be. Whatever.

Unfortunately the very nature of this blog being a stream of consciousness, what often comes out is all that negativity. Like the fact that my mom, who never did much for me in my life can’t even say “good morning” or even just “hi” before she reminds me she needs shoes and asks what time I’m going to be at the hospital. 

Her insistence and persistence and lack of gratitude or tact is really starting to get to me. I think about what it would be like if the situation were reversed and know that I would be extremely grateful for any one helping even to the smallest degree. And she has said “thank you” a few times but the lion’s share of the words coming out of her mouth are just so demanding.

Yesterday she was so put off by the fact that they did not bring her lemon for her iced tea on her lunch tray. And that’s all she could think about or talk about for 45 minutes. 

She’s driving me nuts. There I said it. Now can I just move on? 

No. Probably not. I mean.. it’s only going to get worse when she goes home and then we’re up against 6+ months of chemo and more surgery.

Yesterday I didn’t make it to my treadmill and didn’t get my steps and that makes me grumpy too. I’m taking trazodone to help me sleep and can’t seem to get the dose right. It’s either not enough and I still wake up and can’t sleep or it’s too much and I feel super groggy and don’t want to face the day. 

Today I felt groggy. And it’s super overcast and pouring rain so it’s really dark. When I got home from being mom taxi, I just wanted to go back to bed. But i knew if I did that, I wouldn’t have enough time to do all the tasks I didn’t get done yesterday like grocery shopping and dishes and laundry. 

Today I have the added task of putting together my reading for tonight and practicing at least once to make sure I hit the mark for the time limit. It’s a thing I want to do.. reading in public because I need the practice.. but my heart is just not in it. I have some new-ish poems that need more work before they will be ready to share or submit for publication and I have just had no desire to work on revision lately.

So the reading tonight is mostly (all) of what I’ve read before during my MFA program. And also mostly poems that have either been published or will be in my forthcoming book. Perhaps that seems like a good approach since I have confidence in those already. 

Mom indicated she was interested in tuning into the reading. We’ll see. I’ve got the link now and can share with anyone interested in hearing from 6 people giving readings. I’m last on the list. That makes me the “headliner” right??!! 🤣

In other poetry news.. I received the timeline for my book and that process apparently takes a long time. It won’t be ready for pre-sale/pre-release until November. I guess that will give me plenty of time to get my act together for self-promotion. Hell… I still need to get them a clean copy with all the extra stuff they need for production. Like pictures, bios, blurbs, inside and outside art. I should be all over that stuff but my heart’s not in that either.

See, there must be something wrong with me. Good grief. 

All I’m really looking forward to today is eating. I’m thinking about food all the time. Well.. and watching mindless TV sounds kind of appealing too. I kind of want to veg out on the couch with a pizza and watch the bachelorette. But I can’t. I’ve got work to do. 

And I’ve got to get started on all that right about now. 

I Don’t Want to Do Today, 😒

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-21 Questions of Life and Death

I guess it’s been a few days. I guess that’s what happens when life gets busy. I feel like I complain a lot about not ever having enough time but then something happens and I have even less time. I guess that’s the nature of life. Experiences that are constantly teaching you that you don’t really know Jack about life.

As of today my mom has been in the hospital for 10 days and she’s probably got 3 or 4 to go. I’m the designated visitor (at the Med Center you can only have one) and I’ve been to see her everyday. It’s fine, but I’m kinda tired of my new routine and am really looking forward to her discharge. 

She is making good progress improving but still needs so much help from the staff I can see that after discharge is when the real work will begin for those of us who will be her home care team. At least once she gets home she can have as many visitors as she wants. And I’m sure I’ll be able to get a break when my youngest sister comes home to help. 

My brother has made no mention of trying to come home for anything. I might be harboring some resentment towards him for that. But whatever. 

In embracing my new routine I’ve had no problem letting go of a few of the household tasks I typically have high standards for. I’m letting the kitchen go a little and litter boxes don’t need scooping daily. The cats will live. And if the other humans don’t like it, they can do something about it their damn selves. 

It’s Sunday and I spent some time checking my stats though I suppose that’s another thing I have let go thinking about most of the week. I didn’t write anything in my planner and there have been no to-do lists so the only stats I can collect are those from my FitBit and phone. 

My exercise is solid and sleep has been average thanks to the Trazidone. My new screen time goals feel unachievable and it’s not the social media interaction that’s the problem.. it’s text messaging. And that’s kind of unavoidable. However, I might do a full court press on that after my mom gets discharged. 

She “sat me down” yesterday to tell me that she’s decided to fight the cancer and wants to see her life extend beyond this next year. This might seem like a no-brainer but for her it’s counter to what she’s always thought about decisions like this.

For years she’s said that if she got this old she wouldn’t put herself through any extensive life saving measures. That she would just let go and let whatever it is take her naturally. I know this because she’s told all of us that several times, especially after watching her own mom pass away. 

This issue, though, came on so suddenly and she was in so much pain that she just went along with what the doctors and hospitals were doing and telling her she needed. She said she was caught between a rock and hard place and didn’t really have a choice. Now that her primary pain causing issue is on the mend, she’s facing a different predicament and 6 months of chemo and more surgery.

The way she sees it is that she does have more of a choice now. She can just go home and let the cancer spread and take her or she can fight it. So the conversation yesterday with her decision to fight is a big deal to her. 

I told her years ago I would support any decisions she would make. I still do. I haven’t verbally said that lately because I didn’t want that to influence her in any way. I mean, I can’t imagine saying to her now “if you want to die, I’m ok with that.” It’s got to be her decision alone. 

Instead of verbalizing my support of her decision I’ve just been trying to remind her of all the things she loves about life. And when she started talking about traveling and putting her toes in sand and doing things like walking out in the rain, I’ve been encouraging her. 

I might have even promised to take her to New York City. The Universe only knows if that will ever come to pass, but if it kept her thinking about living instead of dying, that’s ok. 

If I’m being honest, I don’t know if there’s anything that can repair how I feel about our relationship or her. I’ve lived my entire life feeling like my parents did a crappy job at being parents. I’ve held a lot of resentment towards both of them about how alone and invisible I was as a kid. I feel like my moms part in that was because she’s so selfish and made so many selfish choices. Some of which had a direct hand in the trajectory of my adult life.

I suppose that’s what makes her current “demanding” behavior harder to take. She’s particular and begun taking really well to the attention and immediate reactions to her “calls.” Those poor nurses probably can’t wait until she gets discharged either.

Most of what I’m doing I’m definitely doing out of obligation and my desire to “do the right things.” Of course I can’t tell her how I really feel. Not while she’s contemplating living or dying. 

I’m not sure how this will play out or if the extra time I spend with her can heal my old wounds. I really doubt it. I just keep thinking it will all get easier when my sister comes home. We’ll see. 

I’ve been walking about an hour and have to get going with all the Sunday things. 

With peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-18 Let Me Tell You

I don’t care. I’ve never been a rule breaker, and it doesn’t seem fair, but with the kind of hour, day, month I’m having I no longer care. 

Let me just tell you when I was at the grocery store a few days ago doing that self check out thing I do, I scanned the cheese. No beep. Scanned it a second time. No beep. Scanned a third time and dropped it into my grocery bag. I don’t care. Hy-vee is a rip-off anyhow charging upwards of $1 more than Wal-Mart for just about every item on the shelf. It’s true… I’ve studied this on a number of visits. I only go because they have two things the family “needs” that Wal-Mart does not carry. So it is a necessary evil every couple of weeks. And it’s my “job.” But it doesn’t mean I have to care when their EQ doesn’t work. 

You know what else? Last night I arrived back at the Buffet Cancer Center to see my mom before visiting hours were up at 6PM and I stayed all the way till 10PM. On shift change the night nurse politely told us that policy says I had to leave and my mom basically told her that THEY said I could stay to watch a show with her.

The “show” she was referring to is the bachelor. It’s about the only thing my mom and I have in common and one way for us to actually spend some QT together before she goes under the knife. After the nurse left my mom looked at me and said “Yes, I fibbed. I don’t care.” I just smiled and shrugged. I guess I didn’t either. 

They lock the building at 8:30 so when I left after the show was over (past 10PM), the big automatic doors would not open. I was like.. “Well shit, how do I get out?” 

It says across the middle of the door, “In emergency, push to open.” For real. I look around and there’s nobody. No security guards or other visitors loitering about. Not a soul. Is it an emergency? Ummmm, I suppose it depends on how trapped you feel. I mean I didn’t feel trapped but if you’ve ever stood in front of an automatic sliding door before, like at Target or something and have it not open, you know, just push on it and it opens. So I pushed. 

It didn’t budge. So I pushed a little harder. It popped open slightly. I went out and had to push it closed behind me. I was then in the vestibule and had one more door to push through. That’s exactly what I did, but this time I had to push really hard and when it popped open, a small cylindrical metal piece with rivets on it flew off from the top of the door and landed on the ground in front of me. Cool. 

As I walked to my car I kind of laughed to myself, “sorry Pam, for breaking your door.” 

I don’t care. 

***

Let me just tell you it’s now three days later and they have been looooonnnnnng days. 

Two days ago I waited in the lobby for 4 hours AFTER my mom’s surgery was supposed to be over just to go see her for like 10 minutes. Nothing like being told she’d be in her room by 6PM and still being at the hospital at 9PM. I outlasted the front desk folks that screen visitors and the security guards again. This time, I was there to watch them “lock” the doors and as I sat with my laptop and watched I wondered if they were taking extra care because some delinquent pushed through the night before. Heh!

My mom is in ICU now and will be for another day. As of this morning I had not slept more than 4 hours each night and she’s been in the hospital for a week. Because of the nature of the surgery she had she will likely be in for another week (and that’s if all goes well). I’m kind of exhausted.

I ran out of Bachelor to watch and let me just tell you, sometimes you need mindless TV. So I started watching some other random season of the Bachelorette. I’ve never watched that before so I’ll be interested to see how it’s different. 

I think that’s it for all the rules I’ve broken lately. I’m not sure what today will bring. I sure am hoping for improved sleep. 

Peace Out,
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-15 This Room With a View is Not Helping My Mood

No walking on the treadmill for me today… I’m out of my element and typing on my laptop from a hospital room while my mom tries to take a nap. Though, I think sleep in this place is rare because of all the people coming and going. I’ve been here a few hours now and so far there has been a cleaning person, the nurses, the doctor’s main nurse, the physical therapist, and the “tech.” It’s a lot different than the last two days which have felt relatively calm and free from frequent “visitors.”

Today is the Ides again. I was thinking about that yesterday, that if anything, could they avoid making any changes or doing any kind of surgery today. The last thing we need is to tempt fate on this day which has historically been an ominous day for our family. I’m not very superstitious, but also don’t want to give the Universe a reason to throw wrenches. 

***

This morning I was in a bit of a mood. It might have started when the straw for my water bottle went missing or when I discovered that one of the kittens had peed on the clean clothes I had in a basket in the laundry room. I needlessly blamed my husband for both of these things (but didn’t say that out loud). He was just trying to be helpful by doing the dishes and laundry yesterday which I appreciate, but he doesn’t know what “not” to do so it ends up being more work. 

Really I think the anger is coming from a place deeper than small irritations. I’m a little exhausted, sure, but not terrible. I’m a little off in general because my daily routine has been turned sideways but it’s not that either. If I begin to describe my mom’s general disposition and attitude, I might get a little closer to the heart of the matter I think, but just like bronchitis, Aint nobody got time for that. 

***

It could be that typing while on the treadmill has ruined me completely for using a laptop. This feels so strange and to be fair, I’m in no mood to do it. That’s fine. It is what it is. 

More later…

or not. /shrug 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-10 News Too New to Process…

Yesterday’s brief topic was about no news being good news. So of course the Universe responded right away. It was quite literally 10 minutes after I posted (and was ramping up for my cardio) that I answered a phone call from my mom asking if I could take her to the ER. 

I will say I wasn’t surprised as she’s been suffering with some issues for several weeks now. Our visit yesterday was actually the third to the ER in a week. The first time she drove herself. The second time, she drove but my sister had to pick her up because they gave her morphine for the pain and she could not drive herself. Yesterday I took her and sat with her the entire visit. 

Three visits in one week seems excessive, I know, but two of the three she was following instructions from her primary care physician. This last time the concern was nausea and dehydration as she hadn’t been able to eat or drink anything for 2 days. It was concluded that the morphine was responsible for that. So no more narcs. 

On of her previous visits to the ER they had done a cat scan and told her she had cancer. 

I’m not being dismissive of this, but at this point it feels like one piece of info among a myriad of other diagnostic pieces and symptoms. It’s also hard to put it all together when the info is coming from my mom who is lucid, but not the best at remembering/relaying details. The story also seems to change slightly based on her immediate problem. 

One minute it’s her bowel movements and she diagnosed herself with colon cancer before ever seeing a doctor. Then it’s her upper-GI, because she’s nauseous and can’t eat. And now the tissue that can be seen on her abdomen has been labeled as cancer. 

From what I know about cancer, is that the actual diagnosis is dependent on pathology. They have to get a sample of the tissue and do a biopsy to know anything for certain. I feel like I’m maybe keeping myself a little disconnected from all the possible outcomes until I know for sure. 

There’s no reason to spend cycles on the “what if’s” and the focus should be on helping her with next steps and making sure she’s getting the best care as quickly as possible. 

I’m not personally bothered by 3 ER visits in 1 week because it’s Medicare you know and she’s paid into that her whole life and so have I. That’s what it’s there for. Yesterday she had an IV with meds to get her hydrated and relieve her nausea so she could eat and drink. 

Today she has a visit with an oncologist and I wish I was going to that to hear first hand what the doctor has to say but my sister is taking her and they only allow one other adult in the visit because of Covid. They are supposed to call me though, so I can be on speakerphone, we’ll see how that works out. 

That visit was actually scheduled to start 5 minutes ago and so I’m just waiting now. 

I’m a little anxious but not bad. I think that’s going to be it today. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie