2021-05-14 The Saltgrass Cheeseburger: 1.0 👎🏻

This morning I was cleaning out the top shelf of my refrigerator which is typically a space reserved for leftovers. When I go out to eat I’m rarely able to consume the entire portion of whatever it is I’ve ordered. I also hate to waste food and often live off of leftovers. Many times I’ll order strategically, knowing I’m going to make that selection stretch out to a second and sometimes third meal. 

I can tell you pasta, Chinese food, and baked potatoes reheat great and French fries, cheeseburgers, and anything with bread is never the same once it’s been refrigerated. I’m keen on reheating chicken fingers and making them new again in a Buffalo wrap and slicing up a leftover steak with some peppers for fajitas. 

Good gravy… I must be hungry. 

Anyhow, all this to say that among the boxes I had to toss because they aged out, was the leftovers from “Saltgrass” where we had date night last Friday. As I dumped the food into the trash I was reminded about two things. 

  1. How disappointed we were at pretty much everything about the restaurant. Driving home we agreed we’d never go back. 
  2. How I couldn’t remember having a worse cheeseburger…. And that I should definitely blog about it. 

Why? Because what’s the use of only “reviewing” the bomb burgers I’ve had the pleasure of eating if I don’t balance that out with the less than stellar experiences? 

I mean, they can’t all be winners right? And part of a balanced account of places I’ve been would be writing about those bad bad burgers. This one was actually a surprise. I mean, it’s a steak house so producing a good burger should be in their wheelhouse. 

When I read the description in the menu, I already had a bad feeling about it. American cheese? That’s a red flag. And nothing special listed, no options for sauces or additional toppings like avocado, fried egg, onion strings, etc. so it’s very basic bitch to begin with. Still.. I don’t usually order any of that stuff anyway and you can make an amazing burger without all that (not with American cheese mind you). 

When the burger came it was over cooked and there weren’t enough of the standard toppings so I had to half it (which I always do anyhow) and slide what I could on the half I was going to eat right away. It was very blah. 

How did they get the flavor out of the meat before cooking it is what I wonder. I mean, any way you slice it, the beef itself should be tasty but it wasn’t really. But I was hungry so I ate the half I’d cobbled together. And when it came to boxing up the leftovers, the other half didn’t make it into the box. Just Jim’s steak and Mac and cheese. 

I think the best thing we had there was the baked potato soup, which might just be because we were starving when we arrived. 

All this wasn’t helped by the fact that our waiter was also not great and we waited a long time for everything. He showed up at our table with a joke when he took our drink orders and then told basically the same joke when he took our food order like he didn’t remember what tables he’d made that joke with already. Jim and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

Anyhow.. there you have it folks.. the Saltgrass Cheeseburger review. Like I always say “they can’t all be winners.” 😜

But they are rarely this big of losers. 

That’s it for today. I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog posts. 

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-11 All of This Is True.. Or Is It? 😉

This morning I was listening to my “Gear Shifter” playlist—the one I curated with songs that are sure to pump me into a cardio machine mood. One of the songs that came up in the shuffle was Hoodie Allen’s “The Real Thing.” 

The end of the song is a clip I have to believe is an authentic message left in his voicemail. It’s some girl, presumably his girl friend telling him she knows he’s working hard on a new album but he needs to get his priorities straight and pay more attention to her. For real! 

When she left that message she probably had no idea that it would make its way into one of his songs that would eventually be distributed to thousands of adoring fans. What do I think when I hear her sharp tone and biting words? What a bitch. 

I was given advice once to always be careful what you say and write, always, lest some unsavory nugget make it out into the wide world. It’s a conundrum. We spend so much energy making our public profiles look exactly how we want people to perceive us. For better or worse, I suppose.

The flip side of this is the freedom of letting your freak flag fly and not giving two turtles what other people think. In my head it’s a balancing act. My hatred of social media helps tip the scales in favor of not posting anything, ever. However, Facebook and Twitter and Instagram are obviously not the only places I’m putting myself out there.

My biggest public facing platforms are my blogs—in various levels and colors of “findability.” My newest website which is less of a blog and more of space for self promotion is the place I’m thinking (hoping) people find me if/when they are looking. I was told that all writers should have a website to promote themself and their work. That it makes publishing their work more appealing to potential publishers.

That blog isn’t really a replacement for my original shyspark blog which I still post on a few times a year. That blog is home to first drafts of poetry and is also the archive of poems and musings from all the way back to the beginning of my poetry writing (which incidentally was when I was about 12 years old). In any case, it still serves a purpose.

Here’s me finally getting to my point…

A few weeks ago I posted to that original shyspark.com blog, which is connected to my Twitter account and posts automagically to Twitter. I had written a first draft of a prose poem. It was more of a musing than a poem, but I’m gonna call it a hybrid piece.

In the poem I had embellished some details of the situation I was writing about, letting the imagination in my fingers do the talking. I had an argument with myself about whether or not to post it, worried what people might think. I ended up posting it. 

Fast forward a few hours and whatever part of me won the argument about posting it waffled and I edited the post, rewriting the details of the lines to smooth over any content that might cause someone to question my character. Doing that made me feel so much better about the poem. 

Fast forward to the next day when it was brought to my attention that my husbands ex-wife had read the post AND brought it up with her son AND had him look at the post. 

They didn’t find the original lines. As timing had it, by the time she was pulling him in to read what I had written, the post had already been changed. I chalked it up to a lesson learned. But what was the lesson?

This question is one I’ve been struggling with since then. Here is what I’ve learned:

  1. Given the timing, it’s clear my husband’s ex-wife (who I’m thoughtfully calling whore number 1) is somewhat stalking me. To have seen that post in the short time it was in its original state, she is either following my blog, following me on Twitter, or just looking at all my shit on a regular basis. Any way you slice it, it’s creepy. If you are reading this, Jill, get a life!
  2. I still, after all these years, struggle with the thought of people actually reading what I write, worried about their perceptions of me. I’m a good person, but obviously have flaws and problems and make questionable decisions at times, that are not so pure of heart. Can I let that go and should I?
  3. Does the poem have to be true or are embellishments ok? If I twist the truth to shine a light on the deeper meaning I’m trying to come to terms with, is that being dishonest? I think most seasoned and learned writers would say it’s ok. Still, I write so much that’s nonfic, it’s tough to spin anything else when writing poems.

In the end, I felt like I wanted to write about this incident because it upset me but suppressed the urge, in favor of trying to just let it go. Clearly I haven’t let it go because as I began to write about that voicemail clip in the Hoodie song, it’s exactly the incident my mind zeroed in on. I didn’t plan this.. it just happened. 

If I was more brazen, I would tell you what kind of person is semi-stalking me. I would tell you that I call her whore number 1 because in an email to my husband she called me whore number 3. She wrote it and sent it and she’s never even met me.

Yes, I am my husbands third wife, but if I’m whore number 3, that makes her whore number 1. Good gravy!! 

(Oops.. I guess I’m more brazen than I thought!) 

If I was bolder than that I would tell you all kinds of other horrible things this woman has said and done and written. But not today. I’ve already satisfied my need to vent about this situation and her and it would really serve no purpose. I guess that means I’m done. 

And it’s about time.. I’ve definitely gone way beyond my allotted time for walking today. 

Cheers to Getting Shit off Your Chest(Finally), 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-10 A Kindfull Kind of Mindfulness

Even in low moments when we feel useless or of no value, thoughts of kindness can give us strength. It takes less than 5 minutes to think of an episode of kindness, either that someone has shown to us or that we have shown to someone else. It doesn’t have to be an epic act… it can be as simple as offering a kind word or smile. Remembering these moments and how they make us feel in detail and then filing them away in our mental wallet to recall at a future down moment, can be useful. 

My husband and I were recently at a store buying a barbecue grill. We had decided to try and load the grill in his vehicle and we’re in the parking lot with the employee helping us. It was pretty clear it was going to be a tight fit, and likely not even possible without potentially damaging either the grill or the inside of his vehicle or both. 

At that moment a stranger walked up and offered to load it on his pickup truck and follow us back to our house. Just like that.. an offer to help with no expectation for anything in return. We happily accepted help and we’re just amazed with such selfless kindness.. from a complete stranger. 

After the grill was unloaded my husband tried to give the guy some cash, but he refused. They shook hands and my husband said he would “pay it forward.” 

If everyone paid it forward a little more, the world would certainly be a better place. 

I told my friend Rebecca about this just after it happened and she recalled a story of a complete stranger that helped her unload her cart full of groceries at Costco when she was 8 months pregnant. 

It’s these little instances we should try to remember. 

I’ve had some up and down days lately and frankly have been feeling a little selfish with my time and energy. I’ve been shying away from commitments and letting planned conversations go. This may be contributing to my mood. 

This week I’m going make an effort to practice what I’m preaching and see how that affects my mood. One day, one smile, one helpful act at a time. We’ll see. 

That’s it for today. Time to take on Monday and make something out of it! 

Peace, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-09 A Very Shrug-Worthy Sunday

All I want for Mother’s Day is to spend the day with my kids. I was going to add not doing dishes but I don’t even care about that. I just want to have a chill day with my people. I’ve texted my son who is at his dad’s house but he probably won’t be awake for a few more hours. 

My daughter will also not be up for a while either which means I’m flying solo for at least a little while. Plenty of time to get my cardio and think (and write). I’m walking now but not feeling super motivated to jog, which is the only activity I’ve found that reliably gets my heart rate up enough to count (according to my FitBit) for the cardio zone. Above 125 bpm. 

It’s an overcast Sunday holding the promise of rain. A perfect day for being lazy and relaxing. The only tasks I have committed to are checking in on my friend Michelle’s cat, Stormy, and potentially going to Nebraska furniture mart to pick out a new desk for my daughter. 

We bought one in January and it’s been delayed 3 months past the original arrival date and that’s pretty ridiculous, even with the pandemic, so we’re starting again at square 1.

I’ve got some personal writing “stuff” to attend to. Lately I’ve been opting to work on my lit mag instead and I need to balance that out. Today could be a good day for that too. 

Anyhow, I’ve got options. If only I could find the motivation to kick into gear to get started with something. See how I’m just waffling on what this day could be? I’m all over the place. 

 I guess some days are like that. 

It’s been 20 minutes on the treadmill and I’ve still not got a lit that’s inspiring me. Some days are like that too and I’m not going to fight it. 

Until next time, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-07 On This Day in History… 🤱

Seventeen years ago, at this very moment, I was gettin busy pushing a baby out my vagina. That’s pretty freaking amazing right? That I can grow a human being inside my body and then birth it into the world in a matter of hours. 

More amazing than that is the mystical act of parenting. That a tiny, helpless being would be completely dependent on me in order to survive and thrive. And eventually get to the state of life where he could refuse to have his hair cut, develop an affinity for grape gatorade, and be sensitive and secure enough at 17 to hug his mama in front of his schoolmates. Yup.. pretty incredible indeed. 

He’s always hated having his hair cut. It wasn’t until very recently that, as a parent, I let go of pushing my own agenda for his hair. I let go and it was a beautiful thing. He’s not quite at man-bun stage yet, but well on his way. We’re now actively encouraging him to grow his hair out and get through the current awkward phase where it’s long enough to be in his eyes but not long enough to tie back. 

At first he thought we were trying to use reverse psychology on him but now we’ve reached the understanding that we’re all super stoked about it. His sister included, which I think seems to help. 

And contrary to his sister who was in line at the dmv at midnight when she turned 16 waiting to get her drivers license, he’s a year past that now and still has no interest in driving. His dad thinks he’s lazy and I dunno… I think he just has it all figured out. 

It’s not a bad thing to be chauffeured around everywhere and not be responsible for running errands for your parents. I was like that at his age. I never wanted to drive either and the sacrifice of being dependent on other people never bothered me that much. 

That’s why when his dad called me last week, in a fit, because C was refusing to drive, I just shrugged it. It will happen (his learning and getting his license) and I’m not worried. I just listened and said that I’d support helping him learn by driving with him when school is out. 

Also.. His dad having his panties in a bunch over it is delightful to me. That’s wrong, I know, but I don’t care. 😜

I’m actively working to slow down time, engaging in practices to allow the world around me to move at a pace that’s more amiable to my own. I don’t mind if it takes him the whole summer to learn and have drivers Ed. I don’t mind one bit. 

I’m sad to not get to spend any time with my super C today. He’s off school and hasn’t even responded to my text yet. I’ll wait a little bit and call. I’ll get my QT with him this weekend or next week. It’s a good thing that he gets to spend time with his paternal peeps today anyhow. 

Today is Friday and if I recall correctly he was born on a Friday too. Lemme check…. (Hold please)….

Yes! It was indeed a Friday. Thanks Google! 

That’s what made the timing so perfect for bringing him home from the hospital, We were able to do that on Sunday which just happened to be Mother’s Day. The same as it this week. 

Jim is off today and we’re just hanging out—cardio together, running a few errands for his son’s birthday, and probably yard work later. His sons 17th birthday is today too. How wild is that. 

At the same time I was pushing a baby out my va-j-j, my future husband’s first wife was having her belly cut into to extract their son. No disrespect to any woman who has had to have a C-section, but I’m glad to have done it the natural way. Even if they had to pull that baby-suction device out of the closet of the labor and delivery room to pull him out. Crazy times! 

Anyhow… that’s probably it today. Not a lot else going on. 

Three Cheers for Successfuly Slowing the Passage of Time, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-06 When You Find What Works, Don’t Fight It 🌳

Thirsty Thursday again and date night tonight. A 1-2 combo that aims to satisfy. 

As it often is, I think I’ve figured some things out this week and feel pretty good about my newest declarations. 

  1. No more volunteering to do interviews or lead workshops or make any public appearances where I have to speak. I’m officially releasing myself from all that noise. 
  2. I’m gonna put more focus on exercising, at home, and also let go of the classes I’ve been attending which don’t seem to mesh with my schedule. 
  3. I’m committing to an hour or two of GLR each day and am going to try to make that a regular part of my workday. This means not procrastinating until there’s a mountain of stuff to do. 
  4. I’m going to work on my diet… and try fasting and eating more Whole Foods again. Less processed stuff. (Within reason 😉). 

That’s enough right?! As this week has gone on, I’ve felt better and better and I think it has something to do with distancing myself from obligations that involve doing things that make my anxiety flair. It also has to do with regulating my sleep and productivity. I’ve gotten a lot done this week and have had decent sleep. 

Today I’m going to CB again and will see both of my parents. My husband works in CB on Thursdays so I may try to pop by his office for a visit…. You know, really make the trip across the Missouri River worth it. 

Otherwise it’s the typical line-up. Exercise, chores, GLR, errands, and then as I said it’s date night so I’ll need to finish everything on my to-do list by like 5ish. Our dinner reservations are at 6. We’re going to a new place we’ve never been before and you know what that means??.. It’s cheeseburger time! 

It’s a win-win-win as I also need to up my iron intake in order to donate blood next week. 

So that’s the plan for today.. let’s see how good I am at sticking to it (and my new declarations). 

But first… Cardio, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-05 Much Ado About the Fate of the Human Race

Being human is weird. Two days ago I felt hopeless, helpless, and pretty pathetic and this morning I woke up looking forward to the day. Two nights ago I told my husband I think I need a counselor or therapist. He told me I don’t. He said that he and I need to communicate more and make each other more of a priority and I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. It’s also what I wanted to hear.

After vacation a few weeks ago, where we spent the entire time talking and making each other the priority, it was kind of a bummer to get back to reality and realize that I’m at best 5th on his list. The flip side is also true (as be got my own priority and agenda) but he doesn’t seem to need me as much. I’m fairly independent too so most of the time it works out. But I’d just been feeling really inconsequential and I think that was the largest source of my latest bout with being down.

Last night he and I set aside some more dedicated time to talk. And the conversation wasn’t about us, or planning for the future or what’s currently going on. It was just random talking about things like the possibility of extraterrestrial life and the fate of humanity. We talked about dinosaurs, evolution, the age and longevity of our sun and the possibility of folding space in order to travel to other galaxies. And we weren’t even drinking! 🤣

He has a positive outlook on humans’ ability to advance enough scientifically to save ourselves from the consequences of our ruining this planet. I don’t share that view. I’m pessimistic in thinking that the destruction and consumption of all our natural resources is happening too fast to recover. And that we won’t be able to pull our heads out of our proverbial asses long enough to figure out a better way to live. 

He thinks tech will solve. I think maybe it could, but we’re not focused on it. We’re still too focused on power, greed, territory, and control. We need to have a true global economy, stability, and equality socially and financially in a way humans have never achieved before. As a race, we’re still stuck on the “basic needs” rung on the Maslow pyramid. 

America’s leadership is currently grappling with the influx of immigrants into the country and sees it as a problem. It’s not a problem. Let them come. These people want a better life and are escaping horrible conditions. 

We think we can’t handle it. We can. America is huge and so extremely wealthy (not the country itself exactly, but the individual citizens). If we work on equality just a little bit and helping these people find new homes and places to live and be productive, it would actually be a benefit to our country. We need to shift the thinking that these people are “taking our jobs” or draining our resources. Instead, see them as they are—Humans who want to live a meaningful life and make something of themselves and provide for their families.

Sure there will always be a subset of people who will abuse the system but look.. we already have that. What makes the lazy millennial or the American citizen taking advantage of the system any more worthy than an immigrant? Because they just happen to be born here? Nope. 

The solution could also involve trying to resolve whatever is causing the horrific situation these people are trying to escape. I don’t pretend to be educated on what that is, but why don’t we intervene? Again, we have resources. So why? 

Because as a country we don’t get involved? We aren’t in the business of taking over? Because our track record isn’t great? I’m just saying I don’t understand. 

The fact that there are Americans with literally billions of dollars is sickening to me. Take a billion and invest in an impoverished country or community and lift them up. Build a legit business there and give the people a better situation. Clear out the riff-raff and shady, greedy dictators. Dispense with the military made of bad people who rape and murder. Again.. not an expert but it doesn’t seem like rocket science. 

Bringing it back to the equality topic, we’re spiraling out of control. The scramble for a claim on resources ends up spending more resources than anything. Put the money into human capital and science. That’s the only way tech can solve. 

I’m not daft… I know it’s not all as easy as I’m describing. But it’s not impossible either. It can’t be or we are all doomed. Not “we” the billions of humans alive today. “We” the human race and all plants and animals on the planet.

I’m certain of extraterrestrial life. And I hope that “we” can persist enough to confirm this. I hope that when their terra-probe reaches our planet, it’s less like humans researching Mars for signs of long gone life and more of a live communication. It’s an incredible daydream.

Ok.. my time is up. 

Three Cheers for Hump Day, 🎉🎉🎉

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-04 The Smithsonian Called. They Want My Phone… ☎️🤣

May the fourth be with you and with me too. ✌️💜🥝

Dear Diary.. I’m doing ok today. I know you wanted to know that. 

Dear Diary.. Yesterday was garbage but it’s in the past now so there’s no use lamenting further. So don’t ask. 

Dear Diary.. Don’t you think we all need to be reminded how important we are, what a good job we are doing, and be given encouragement to keep up the good work? I do too. 

Dear Diary.. Despite the grief between us lately, you’re still aces in my book and I’m glad we’re friends. Thanks for bearing with me through all my Melancholy nonsense—every silly bout with PMS, evey rant, and every otherwise meaningless meandering of my mind. 

Today my time has all been spoken for and I’m ok with that. In a way, needing to drive to Council Bluffs to help my mom releases me mentally from the long to-do list of other things I won’t be able to get done. I’m just letting it all go until tomorrow. 

I’m actually planning on leaving about 9:30 so all I have time for is a little walking, writing, and cardio before I get myself ready to head out the door. I’ve had some caffeine and am waiting for that to kick in a little. It’s not helping in the same way it used to. I think my body is too used to it. 

What else dear Diary, do I have to say? Nothing important certainly. 

There is one tiny thing.. which is proving to be a challenge today. The slightly different dimensions of my new phone. That right, dear Diary.. I’ve finally been persuaded to get a new, larger phone. 

I May have mentioned a time or two before how my iPhone SE was my BAE and I would never part with it as long there was life left in us both. I’ve had that phone for a long, long time and was reluctant to give it up because of the way it was perfect for me. 

The size fit perfectly in my small hands, the Bluetooth pairing was more aggressive than any other shiny new device so I beat everyone to that punch, and the battery life was still the bomb after all these years. I basically told my husband that he should never make me choose between him and my BAE because he might not like the outcome. 

He never did. He let me come to my own conclusion. And that was that it was just time. I mean, I could have made that device last for several more years, I’m sure if it, but between the space concerns, the inferior camera, and little glitchy things occurring with the apps and OS, it was just time. 

So today I’m typing on the larger screen of a purple iPhone 12 Mini. Really I think I was just waiting for Apple to realize there’s enough of a market of people wanting smaller devices to produce one with all the other bells and whistles of their larger phones. I could have gone with the next gen SE, but I wanted the better camera. And WOWZA is it ever better!! 

I’m excited to drive out to see the sunset with my new BAE. 

I’m currently operating two devices as I didn’t want to transfer all my apps, data, and settings. I wanted to start fresh and set things up manually to have a clean start. Only use what I need and simplify my life. I haven’t yet loaded my music library (yes I still have my own library and do not use a streaming service… baby steps, dear Diary, baby steps). 

I do need to complete the switch this week though as I’m expecting a call from the Smithsonian any minute requesting I send my beautiful SE first gen for their “old tech” display. 😜

Enough of that noise, dear Diary. I need to get my 20 minutes of cardio in so I can get this Tuesday show on the road. 

With peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-03 Thinking About What’s Got Me Down is Like Having Bronchitis

It may not be the same for everyone, but the struggle is real. It’s a popular saying for a reason. 

I’m constantly having internal conversations with myself that I can’t seem to quit having. There’s no resolution that I can see or feel and it puts my brain on spin cycle and it’s wearing me down. Like a rock in a rock tumblr. 

In a way I wish I could just turn it off. But there’s no off button for that except the ultimate off button and I’m not ready for that. I’m thinking of a Cake song.. “End of the Movie”. 

***

People you love

Will turn their backs on you

You’ll lose your hair

Your teeth

Your knife will fall out of its sheath

But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

People you hate will get their hooks into you

They’ll pull you down

You’ll frown

They’ll tar you and drag you through town

But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

No, you still don’t like to leave before the end of the show

People you hate will get their hooks into you

They’ll pull you down

You’ll frown

They’ll tar you and drag you through town

But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

No, you still don’t like to leave before the end of the show

***

I recognize I’m responsible for my own happiness, and my own sorrow but I don’t know how to handle myself. I’ve been self medicating with certain indulgences—eating and drinking mostly. These temporarily soothe but once the moment has passed, I’m left with regret and deciding to “start new tomorrow,” with a cleaner way of living. 

I don’t find joy in the the things I like to do or in trying new things. My tried and true go-to set list is not working. Music, exercise, planning future activities, gardening. Typically writing all about how I’m feeling, here and now, from my beloved treadmill would improve my mood or at least help me get to the point where something makes sense. 

When do I write the lines that spark the lightbulb above my head and I get the answers I’m searching for? I guess not yet. 

Repeating lines inside my head:

  • It’s just a funk and I’ll snap out of it naturally. 
  • It’s just hormones and I’ll snap out of it naturally. 
  • Tomorrow will be different. 
  • If I get better sleep I’ll feel better. 
  • I should cut out alcohol.
  • Remember last year at this time when I was working full time and miserable and had a problem taking lorazepam and was feeling really horrible? Life is way better now so what gives? 
  • I’m being too hard on myself. 
  • I’m not doing enough with my life. 
  • I’m a failure parenting my kids. 
  • I’m a bad wife. 
  • I just want to lose 10 pounds. 
  • I’m struggling with my dependence on another person. 
  • Why can’t I just enjoy my life? 
  • I’ve got everything I ever wanted.. why aren’t I happy? 
  • I should talk to my husband about how I’m feeling. But he’s got more important things to attend to. 
  • Who else can I talk to? Maybe I need a counselor or therapist. 
  • What should I do now?

I wrote a poem last week, the first I’ve written in a while. I had to go to an accountant to sign my taxes. Maybe my problem today (and all damn weekend) has to do with a tangentially related happenstance. Probably. Everything is related. Here’s a link to the poem: https://shyspark.com/2021/04/30/before-i-sign-my-2020-taxes/

I have a ton of stuff to get done today and can’t simmer on any of this anymore. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

Until tomorrow,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-02 Forget that Noise

I agreed several months ago to lead a poetry workshop and only the Universe knows why a person with moderate social and even worse performance anxiety would say yes to that. In my head I think I reasoned it would be a good promo opportunity for the lit mag, and for me personally. Then as it got closer, I doubled down and told myself it was a good learning and growing opportunity. 

In the end, none of these reasons really came to fruition and frankly, I didn’t even feel the effort I went through to read and prepare and practice was worth it. And now it’s a day later and I haven’t heard “boo” from the folks at Nebraska Poetry Society about it and am wondering if I totally bombed. 

As these things go, I have a big build-up in my head and one track mind. I tell myself that when it’s over, I’ll be able to relax but even after it was over, the entire rest of my day yesterday went like shit so I never got that release I was needing. Sometimes I blame myself, but yesterday it was not my fault and I was a victim of circumstance. I found myself watching the clock, counting the minutes till I could just go to bed and close the book on May 1st. A total waste of a Saturday. 

But today is a new day and I woke up at 6:30am feeling good and rested. This feeling was corroborated by my FitBit reporting a solid 8 hours of sleep and a sleep score of 93 which I think is the highest I’ve ever received. Fantastic! 

Most everyone in the house is still asleep which is also fabulous. We have a full house this weekend and I really just want to be alone. 

There’s some other stuff on my mind, but its not going to do me any good to simmer about any of it any longer so I’m going to try and forget that house. I’m going to opt to use the alone time I have right now to get some much needed cardio instead. Perhaps do some planning for the week ahead.

Peace,

~Miss SugarCookie