2020-05-19 Today Miss SugarCookie asks, “What does the Universe Want?” 🤔

Last week was ballz-out crazy and I have high hopes that this week is going to slow down. Is it too high or wishful to believe that it can actually slow down sometime?

What I need, is like a week without obligations or responsibilities. What’s that called again? Oh yeah, a vacation.

I’m missing my spring trip to Austin. I’m missing planning a trip to Colorado. I’m missing day-dreaming with my besties about our next girls trip off the grid. I’m missing musing about where in the world my love and I should go next. In the grand scheme of “what’s different now” because of the pandemic, my daily life hasn’t changed much.

Less trips to the grocery. Wearing masks. No coffee or lunch or HH meetups. That’s all changed and I feel like we are slowly coming out of that haze. Cautiously dipping a toe into the uncertainty of more trips out, getting take-out, and a few visits with friends.

But I have a feeling it’s going to be a while before I can travel. Well, big travel anyway. I tried logging in to Ticketmaster on my phone a few days ago (which I had been procrastinating) to check to see if Fall Out Boy in July was on or cancelled or postponed. That’s in California. If it’s cancelled, I guess I need to cancel those plane tickets. I could not get logged in and I took that as a sign from the Universe that I should wait.

Then there’s Elton John in Des Moines in June. That’s getting close now and it’s most assuredly cancelled but I’ve been remiss in looking into that too. I just don’t want those negative feels, you know?

Oh hey… and did I mention my daughters graduation. Probably once or twice before, yeah. My poor pudding pie. She’s sort of over it.. or at least not lamenting outwardly anymore. As a parent, to raise a child and be so freaking proud of the person they have become and then have that “moment” and celebration ripped away, it just sucks big time.

Her unused prom dress is hanging in her room. She dwells mostly in her bedroom and so I’m sure she’s reminded of that missed event everyone she looks at it. That’s part of why I haven’t been looking for the status of my concert tickets. Blissful ignorance I guess.

Her live graduation and party are still pending. The new date for graduation is August 2nd. Any later and she’ll have gone off to college. Well… there’s hope in that too.

I’m officially asking the Universe to help the Humans get this virus under control, figure it out and stop fighting about it, and give us back normal, even if it’s a new normal. What kind of prayers or gifts or sacrifices do I have to offer?

Not going to gamble my heart or soul or life on it (never again).

…Back to this week… It should be more chill. I’ve got flower planting and work and chores stacked up but nothing is on fire. Nothing is burning out of control. it is only Tuesday though. Ha!

I think that’s it today. It’s time for me to stop thinking about doing and to actually start doing. 😉

Cheers to Taco Tuesday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-16 Lottery Ticket Happiness

Every time I drive west across Nebraska on I-80 I’m full of hope and excitement about what’s to come. If I’m driving west on that long stretch of boring interstate I’m driving away from home and toward something fun and different, people I love and mountains I marvel. I know that soon I will be wrapped up in feverish conversation, catching up, and clinking glasses in cheer.

Maybe I’ve got concert tickets at Red Rocks or plans to hike some new wondrous scene. So many opportunities for capturing pictures and words and memories.

When I’m in the car driving west it’s like the best feeling. It’s freedom. Everything about it is freedom. I gather snacks that are not good for me and allow myself to get that gas station cappuccino that’s loaded up with sugar and nerds or sweet-tarts or something else that’s pure sugar and throw in some giant bag of Chex mix to balance out all that sweetness with salt and crunch. I allow myself guilt free snacking and singing out loud to my favorite tunes. All of that is freedom.

I have a tradition of stopping in Ogallala Nebraska before I drive across the border into Colorado. I whip the car down the exit ramp and find a gas station to buy a lottery ticket.

I’m not a lottery ticket purchaser normally, but the mood of the road trip changes a person. If I won the lottery, it be cool to win with a ticket purchased in Ogallala. What a headline, right?!

“Omaha woman wins millions in Ogallala”.

That would be priceless even if I never collected a dime.

Then, as I cross over into the desolate sparse grassland rolling hills of Colorado, which are only slightly less boring because the scenery has changed, I have a little sliver of hope in my possession. I can keep my little hope-secret tucked safe inside the pocket of my coat or backpack or snug under the clip of my garage door opener above the window visor. And there it will stay.

At random moments on my trip I can think about it and dream what it would be like to win. What would I do with those millions? Oh how my life would change and what power I would have to change the lives of others for the better. My kids would not have to worry about how they would pay for college and my parents wouldn’t have to worry about how they would be taken care of as they grow old.

And there would be so much more. You know. I could give and give to all the organizations I believe in. Maybe spear head some plan to turn garbage into fuel for the future. Of course it would not truly be endless, and I would still have to choose, but the hope of it is freedom. And that, in turn, makes me happy.

If only to think about it for a brief moment.

Then I get where I’m going and have my fun and eventually have to say goodbye and get in my car to drive hone. Somehow the drive home takes twice as long and is 4 times as boring. Why is that?

Nothing to look forward to. Work and responsibility and the hum-drum of the everyday. On my way I may or may not stop back in Ogallala to have them check my ticket. I’ve probably lost interest and just want to get home.

Sometime later I might find that ticket in a pocket or in between the pages of a book I haven’t looked at in months or in a folder holding other flat memorabilia from the trip. It will remind me of the good time I had. It will remind me that freedom and hope are priceless, and that money really had nothing to do with those feelings. As long as I have enough for gas to get me there and back and load my bag up with snacks, I’ll be happy.

That lottery ticket is worth every penny. Also I just like to say Ogallala.

Ogallala, Ogallala, Ogallala! Oh haha I love you Ogallala!

I can’t wait to start planning again!

Cheers to Road Trip Daydreaming in the time of Covid,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-03-15 Out With the Old, In With the New

I’m briefly interrupting the current SugarCookie Series to write the Sunday Day Trip Status with a hint of realization and a pinch of actual stats.

Where to start? An interesting thing happened when I opened this note, started to type, and realized the date. March 15th. The Ides!!

Usually as this day approaches I think a lot about it (because of the history in it) and also usually get an ominous vibe thinking something bad is going to occur. Did Cesar have a creepy feeling when the soothsayer issued him a warning? I would think that would give anyone pause.

I have not thought about any of that or had any worry this year. I actually didn’t even realize what day it was. Shortly after getting up, we packed a few rations and jumped in the car. We drove west on I-80 with the hope of seeing some Sandhill cranes. We had a quaint little day trip and got as far as the Iain Nicolson Audubon Center at Rowe Sanctuary.

The visitor center there was open despite all official tours being cancelled. We had no interest in going inside because we could learn anything we wanted by reading about the cranes online. We went to see the birds, which we did. Sort of.

We saw some from the car and used binoculars to get a closer look. We rolled the windows down so we could hear them, but we didn’t really get to experience the mass of birds you hear about when people talk about the migration. Apparently we would have had to go farther west for that and also arrive wherever that is at dawn or dusk when they are most active. Perhaps next time. We stopped there and turned around to head home.

For me it was just nice to get out of the house even though we didn’t even get out of the car. I wasn’t in the mood for a cold muddy hike and was more interested in just getting to spend 5 uninterrupted hours with my man. It was good conversation and we did learn a little googling about the migration along the way.

So, like I said, it wasn’t until I started to type the date just now that I realized what day it was. The 10 year anniversary of my divorce and also the anniversary of the day my dad had his heart attack. That’s how I know my life is so much better now.. I don’t dwell on these details. It’s a beautiful thing to forget the bad times.

Spending half a day in the car means I didn’t get any steps in so I’m trying to make up for that now. We’ll see how well I do this late in the day. I’m already losing motivation to follow through with the status analysis part of this session. Perhaps an abbreviated check..

Sleep: Average sleep score of 73 with an average of 6 hours and 49 minutes of sleep each night.

Steps: Just over 70k steps which averages to 10k a day. Ok I guess. This stat has taken a hit this week cuz Jazzercise classes are on the restricted activities list. Booooo!

School: I finished editing 2/3rds of my current thesis manuscript. Cheers for that success!

Weekly submission goal: Success! I’m now 3 for 3 with submitting to some publication or contest. Let those rejections commence. This week I also created a spreadsheet to track that activity and loaded it with my submission history going back to my first submission in 2017 (until 4 weeks ago, there’s only been a total of like 4 so I’ve almost doubled that in one month).

Work: I put in a whopping 18 hours. Money in the bank baby!

What else? I finished watching the bachelor and was disappointed in the result. It was dramatically satisfying but c’mon Pilot Pete?! How could you??!! Whatever.

I think that’s all I have in me today. I think it’s enough.

I guess the ominous bad thing happening March 15th this year is the chaos caused by a global pandemic. Things seem to be changing rapidly each day and I just don’t know what to expect when I wake up each day.

Cheers to forgetting bad memories and replacing them with good ones,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-14 Kauai Day 4 – Aloha from Our Lanai in Hawaii 🌴

My preference, of course, would be to write a little every day. I like to record the memorable moments and some of the great experiences I’m having. However, I’ve opted not to sacrifice any time thus far, doing things and seeing things for sitting down to write. It’s a good choice I think and hopefully the pictures we have taken will serve us well as a memory into this special time.

I’ve been snorkeling twice with Jim so far this trip and so this morning, I suggested he go alone and venture out a bit more than he would be able to do holding my hand and constantly attending to my fear and anxiety about the water. The whole snorkeling this is pretty bad-ass, and I’ve seen things I never would have seen if it weren’t for his love and support and encouragement. I’m not going to hash into the reasons why I have a fear of the water and drowning, I just know, it’s pretty amazing how he has helped me deal with that enough to enjoy the activities here in such a short time.

As with the previous three days, today is going to be another action packed adventure. When he returns we are doing a self-guided driving tour of the south part of the island which will include some cool hikes and stops at points of interest along the way. With four distinct areas of the island, it’s about a day each to explore around and really take in all that Kauai has to offer. After that, we return to the resort for a couples massage outside at a cabana by the ocean followed by dinner at a nice steak house (as long as we don’t opt for something else, which has happened a couple of times on the trip thus far).

It seems I’ve already used my hour up, again opting to sit and stare at the ocean, drink my espresso (there’s a machine in the room and that is definitely something I could get used to!), and write something special into the valentines day card I bought my husband to surprise him with a gift I brought all the way from home.

Yes, folks, not to be ignored is the fact that it is Valentines day. Historically a day I have loathed and grumbled about. This year, though, I get to keep living my word – which is to love the people you have in your life everyday and not just on special days. Today, I celebrate with my love and hopefully will get to keep on celebrating all throughout the year.

Loving the Whole World Today! 💕🌸💕

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-10 Miss SugarCookie is on the Move 💃✈️ 🌴💕🍹

We successfully woke up and got up when the alarm went off at 3:55AM. Yo, that’s the freaking middle of the night. But that’s the price you pay to get to your destination with enough time to get your bearings and potentially do something before the sun goes down.

So this is it.. the honeymoon I’ve been dreaming of my whole life. Literally. Even when I was a teenager and vowed that I was never getting married, I still fantasized about having a honeymoon. That some handsome and charming man would sweep me off my feet and we would escape together. Of course it was off into the sunset. Sometimes it was on horseback (yes.. really) and sometimes it was in some cute sports-car. I was a very day-dreamy girl.

Well that vow never to get married was broken when I was 19 and I never had a honeymoon. I mean, unless you count packing all my clothes into the back of a used Honda and driving across the country where we were stationed (las Vegas). I don’t count that. I made many questionable decisions and was fearless. I wasn’t riddled with anxiety and had not learned yet what bad things lurk everywhere. Just a baby really.

Fast forward a lot of years of learning about life and love and really being in control instead of always just letting everyone else dictate my choices. I jumped in the drivers seat and took the wheel. I was still that same girl, with the same dreams. By that time it was more realistic. It still involved a person, an equal partner. Someone supportive and kind who would lift me up but that bit about escaping into the sunset didn’t really change.

You remember that Vis? You called me out for having fantasies of fairy tales? Yeah.. that hopeless romantic was still a strong force inside. I said “whatever.. what girl wouldn’t want that?!” I still remember writing those words. (I recognize that not every girl does, because we all have different dreams).

I fantasized about Hawaii and going on a honeymoon there. In my head it was that ultimate romantic destination. Even after my divorce when I said I would never get married again, I still thought about the islands with, of course, the man of my dreams.

Then when I Thought I found him and was so sure he was my person and we would be together for the rest of our lives, I began to hold my breath. We had some great vacations and we slowly began to build a life together. Slow would be how I would characterize that aspect of our relationship. We loved fast and lived slow.

It was sometimes so slow that time may have stopped. After about 3 years the holding of the breath started wear on me. In all fairness, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted either, so his fear of commitment dictating the pace was something I just shrugged about. In the back of my head, and down in my soul, something still festered and became restless. Was it the idea of a honeymoon in Hawaii? Was that just the facade for the real dream.. the person who would be for me? I think so.

Most of this is history I’ve poured over before, but today of all days, it’s about as relevant as it gets.

I decided to leave that 5 year relationship and shortly after that was done-done (late 2016), I was also contemplating leaving the job I’d had for 5 years. Enter the Organic Miss SugarCookie, who made her debut early in 2017.

That year I not only figured out how to take back control of my life (again) but also learned how to really start making decisions to move myself in the right direction. I let go of the fantasy of finding someone to complete me and sweep me away to some tropical destination and magical life. I started making changes to make myself healthier and happier. As my tag like says “one day at a time”.

Not only that, but I said “Efff you” to the idea Of a honeymoon in Hawaii. I booked a trip at the end of 2017 to spend a week on Maui with my two amazing children. It was an epic vacation and an unforgettable time for the three of us. We did so many incredible activities and I wanted to make it one of the most memorable times of their life. It was priceless and proved to me that life can be whatever you want if you work hard and go for it.

Little did I know that four short months later I would meet my person. Yes.. the one!!

Fast forward about 2 years (yeah, coming up fast on that anniversary), and here we are. Sitting side by side on a plane on our way to LA. After a short stop there (barely enough time to get to the next gate) we’ll be taking off for our final destination… Kauai Hawaii!! 🌴

Oh the irony! 😜

Getting ready to land. Next stop.. the beautiful tropical paradise of my dreams with the person of my dreams!!! 💕🌸💕

Much Love!

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-12-28 MFA Res Day .998 – Serious Shrug

(They can’t all be winners.)

I did a little catching up with some of my peeps last night but was hampered somewhat by a slight headache and a lack of desire. Desire for what I’m not sure. A few folks were talking about being nervous and or excited but it’s their second term. This is my 4th and some of the nerves have faded but it’s been traded for a bit of a shrug.

It was cold when I went to my room and I resisted going to the car to get my supply of Tylenol for my headache. I had a very brief phone conversation with Jim and then crashed out with a pile of like 8 pillows on my bed.

My sleep was poor and brief and I woke with a worse headache. The first thing I did was check the temp outside. 37. I could not put off going to my car. It’s dark and rainy and cold but the fresh air felt good on my skin and in my lungs. And now I’ve had Tylenol and my daily dose of circumin, biotin, and Claritin. Oh.. and the cold water that was in my car.

It’s 6am and there’s a long day ahead for this SugarCookie. Breakfast, orientation, workshop, 2 or three lectures, lunch, a round of mentor introductions, a graduating student reading (yay Michelle!! 💃), dinner, faculty readings. I’m exhausted typing that list and considering I’ve only had 5 hours of sleep it’s going to be a long day.

By this time I’ve realized the short list of things I’ve forgotten to bring. There’s always something. Some things I can get at the Walgreens but at least 1 can only be found at my home.. my migraine meds. Having a headache reminded me of that and thankfully this headache is not a migraine. I just have to hope that doesn’t happen or be prepared to make some sacrifices over time if one develops.

This has got to be the most boring blog post ever. I’ve only been on the treadmill for 20 minutes and I’m so bored with myself. I kind of want to go back outside. I kind of just want to walk in the rain. I kind of want to get in my car and drive home and climb back into my own bed. I’m hoping this strange subdued mood leaves my body and mind soon.

That’s it for today I think. 30 minutes and I’m done. Perhaps I’ll have more interesting details to report after my first full day here.

Peace,

~Miss SugarCookie

PS List of Forgotten items:

1.imatrex.

2.neutrogina facial cleansing wipes.

3.a book to read (I always bring books and never read them due to lack of time and now I’m wishing I had my current read and/or a few of my unread poetry books).

Not bad.

2019-12-27 MFA Res Day 0.5 – Midnight in December

6PM on December 27th in Nowheresville Nebraska and it might as well be midnight. Last time I was here I had to request a new room after 3 days because of a wasp problem and this time? It might be a neighbor problem. Time will tell. I’m not next to my friends anyway so they can put me wherever. Put me back home or wherever. Or whenever.

I looked at the first two or three days of the schedule and tried to consume it. Tried to put some ginger snaps in my mouth before and after to make it taste better but it doesn’t. My hearts not in it and all of a sudden this feels like a big mistake. I’m going to write a thesis? A What?! Are you looking at me when you say those words. I don’t even the hell know what a thesis is. I don’t know if I can learn the definition in time. Too many other things to do, you know, and never enough time.

It’s so dark and I’m already missing home. The cats and the kids and Jim. Not the dishes or the laundry though. Nine days not doing laundry is truly the definition of a saving grace.

There’s dinner tonight and as dark as it is now it will feel like a late night snack. All 62 of us sneaking down to the pantry to pull a plate of some baked chicken and sauce de jour. Please, oh please, let it be marinara tonight. With some motz cheese and maybe a noodle or two to twist onto my fork. Who doesn’t love a midnight snack?

The schedule for tomorrow has six events I want to go to and the day after that is 7 and already I’m exhausted because I haven’t slept for three days. I’m exhausted from not sleeping for the next 3 or 5 or 8 days and I don’t believe I have enough Xanax to get me through.

Oh my but how it is cold at midnight in Nebraska. I suspect the temp in this room is a fickle as my grandmother said it was her prerogative to be. Just scooch a degree up and watch her say “you want it hot?! Fine.. I’ll show you hot”. Every room a different shade of grandmother in this chateau. “Lodge” is such a rustic word. Such a hard square word that sort of chokes you when you try to say or unsay it.

I’m afraid it’s too late to unsay this little adventure. And this post. And what’s about to happen now. Soon it will be 1AM and for the love of all the trees in the world, please let me be sleeping by then.

XOXO,

~Miss SugarCookie