2021-01-19 The One Track Mind of My Desires ☕️🍔🌮🍕🍿🍫

I subconsciously added the word “food” in my paper planner on each day of the week this week instead of “mood.” This would be fine, except that I already have another daily goal for eating healthy which I abbreviate to “eat.” The result is the following five daily goals:

Sleep, eat, food, mind (for meditation), and Exercise. Apparently my subconscious knows I’m hungry. I’m always hungry. When am I not hungry???

The answer is never. 🤷‍♀️

I changed all the “F”s to “M”s. My subconscious might have ulterior motives but right now my focus is on meditation and mood. I mean, perhaps if I was full and satisfied I would not be fatigued all the time but, but.. hold up!!

Sometimes when I’m writing, I learn something new and I think I just had a lightbulb appear above my head.

A few months back I had decided that I was going to try to get more protein each day and that was going to help with my energy levels. But that whole exploration ended in failure because I became a little too obsessed with counting calories. Past the point of reasons, in reality.

But maybe I need to revisit that. Maybe I need to try again but slow my roll. That little experiment reminded me of how easy it is for me to slip into bad patterns of behavior but also about how many calories are a legit amount to have each day and what reasonable meals look like. I might try again, without actually counting calories and just try to eat more protein.

This would be going against my New Years résolution to do less goal setting and not add more expectations on myself. Mark the calendar… 19 days in and I’m already considering breaking my resolve. But I haven’t done it yet so there’s still time to save it.

Can you just see how I’m my own worst enemy. Who else do you know who makes a New Years résolution to do less and can’t keep it??!! 😜

Whatever. Yesterday I finally listened to the entire day 4 of the waking up app. Ironically, the session was about being able to meditate even with distractions and I could not listen to it all the way through because I kept getting distracted. I tried on Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I felt like I was never going to be able to finish days four. Complete failure.

However yesterday I finished. Not entirely successful but I did get to the end. Today will be day 5. Perhaps the trick is to do this when no one else is home. I know the ultimate goal is to be able to meditate anywhere and in any circumstances but I’m definitely not there yet. I actually think the day 4 lesson was introduced too soon. I’m still figuring how to focus on my breathing and just recognize sensations and let them pass.

I’ve got a full set list of things I want to get done today. A bunch of stuff for the lit mag plus getting my car registration taken care of. Plus the normal Tuesday chore of taking care of trash and recycling.

Several months ago they switched our recycling to once every two weeks. And then about six weeks ago they switched our pick up carts to these giant bins, that can be automatically picked up and dumped by the trucks.

All of this has led to a recycling disaster in my house.

As the overlord of the house, I’m kind of a stickler about recycling and therefore we generate a lot more recycling than we do actual trash. If it can be recycled it goes in the recycle bin. The problem at this point is that we are generating more recycling than the amount that will fit in the bin every two weeks.

I’m flattening all the cardboard, squishing all the bottles and cans as much as I can but there’s just no way to make it fit. Two weeks ago, I left a bunch of flattened cardboard next to the recycle bin like I used to with our old system and hoped that they would Make an effort to pick it up. But they didn’t.

So I had to drag all that wet soggy cardboard back up to my garage let it dry out and try to put it in the bin this week. Which I did however now all of the other bottles and cans and cardboard won’t fit.

There’s a pile of cardboard growing in the corner of my garage and I don’t see a way to solve this problem. I guess we can always get another bin for the additional cost but it’s frustrating to have to pay extra for trying to be a good human. This is what’s wrong with our world.

It’s tougher to be good than to just be rotten or to not care at all. This IS the change I want to see in the world. I suppose if I want to see the change, I need to do as they say and be the change. But I’m just one human: what can I do?

I have a lot more to say on this subject. There’s a whole post brewing on the things I’ve just said in the last two paragraphs. But today is not the day. Today I need to focus. I need to get done what is directly in front of me. I need to follow through on immediate responsibilities and obligations.

And then I need to meditate.

And then I need to eat.

And then I need to decide what is the next best thing.

That’s the order of operations today.. maybe not in that exact order though, cuz I AM kinda super hungry and would like to eat first. 🤣

My cats have all been waiting patiently for me to finish my walk. They all find their own little spot to lay down in the exercise room to wait. Each day, they follow me from room to room, from task to task, napping in each different location. I think their primary objective is to nap while keeping one eager eye on the person who feeds them. They have life all figured out. Maybe I should take a lesson. Ha!

On that note.., I’m done for now. Time to eat!

Cheers to Taco Tuesday!

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-20 Stand in the Mirror and Wait for Feedback

Sunday again. Lacking sleep again. Still working on that lecture. On and on.

I’m trying not to freak out. You know, but there’s so much to do. Res. GLR. Christmas. Bills. You know I’ve got bills that are like 60 days past due and I can’t even begin.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something must be. It must.

Creature comfort make it painless.

At least today I don’t have a hangover. Today it’s just cramps which in some ways brings welcome relief to the emotional roller coaster I sometimes live for about a week before my period with regard to my emotions.

It’s just past 8am and I’ve just had my caffeine. I’m just now on the treadmill but have been awake off and on for like 100 hours.

Somewhere around 5am I switched from reading about Adrienne Rich to Diane di Prima. The quintessential example of a poet embracing experience and freedom when it comes to both poetry and life.

I’m almost wrapped with the research on this lecture. And I’ve probably got twice what I need for talking for 40 minutes. I’ll be polishing tomorrow while Jim is at work and then I’ll know for sure how much overage there is.

Did I mention Christmas is in 5 days??!! Thankfully the family gatherings and gift exchanges are at a minimum. Thanks Covid. If I had my way it would be a repeat of Thanksgiving.

Good food and just us. But.. being the good daughter that I am I’m going to CB Christmas Eve to visit with my dad and having my mom over Christmas Day. Part of me has wondered when it will feel ok to have them both over at the same time. So many levels of questions there. Least of which is the side-eye I’m certain I would get from my siblings. But whatever.

It’s not like they make much effort. We were just not raised that way.

Anyway. So I’ve got presents to wrap today and work to do on the GLR.

Incidentally my newest side-gig is teaching my kitten Gus Gus to walk on the treadmill. Any day now he’ll be good enough that I can try getting some video footage. Then I’ll be making bank when the Instagram account I created for my cats blows up! I’ll put them on tic tok too or whatever the latest craze is the teenagers are wasting their time with these days.

Every damn time I think about my distaste for the technological age, I feel old. I mean like seriously. I’m THAT person saying “back in my day we didn’t have no internet. We had to keep ourselves entertained. We rode bikes and explored the outdoors.”

Yeah, and then a bunch of kids got abducted and that was the end of that. My poor little sisters, caught between the end of the latch-key era and before the advent of the internet. Stuck being raised by endless hours of mindless television.

To be fair, I was a TV junkie too, more later though like in my twenties.

Yeah. Any day now these cats are going to make me famous.

The other night I created a new Instagram account for my cats. I had been drinking so the details are fuzzy but at one point my daughter takes the phone from me and just “fixes” everything. She declared that I didn’t know what I was doing. Said the username I picked was boring. Changed it to “kittens_shenanigans” and then we talked about hash tags. Yeah, I really have no business in that business but with her help, we can do it.

The thing that makes me bad at social media (besides the constant resistance) is that I just don’t give a fuck. I just don’t.

Post or don’t post. Tweet or retweet. Share, like, lick, suck, fuck… I DONT CARE!!

There. I said it. So what? Perhaps I’m channeling Diane di Prima from the great beyond.

It’s all just funny money anyway. Like titles. Tiny little boxes. Tiktok, ticky tacky. Little boxes on the hillside. Little boxes all the same.

It reminds me of that theme song from the show “Weeds.” That was a good show.

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes made of ticky tacky

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes all the same.

There’s a green one and a pink one

And a blue one and a yellow one,

And they’re all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

And the beat goes on, you know. But instead of little boxes were like zombies inside our little houses exploring the world with even smaller boxes in front of our faces, with all our creature comforts an arms reach from our couches and poorly lit desks and beds.

Where’s the spirit of adventure? How do you teach that? You can’t just talk about it. You have to teach by doing, by example, and sometimes with a healthy dose of tough love.

As it is with poetry, show, don’t tell.

That’s enough wandering today I think. Gotta go get dressed to run errands.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-30 Bow for November

My second full month in my new job is coming to a close. This morning I’m tasked with making breakfasts and lunches for my people and will of course get doing dishes and scooping litter boxes. And I’ll be working on the lit mag some. And hopefully finding time to read and write outside of this routine treadmill time.

It’s Monday and the last day of the month and I’m not missing my old job one bit. I had the best weekend and now get to start a new week full of promise and poetry.

I’ve got a fair bit to get done today as it’s the last day of the month—tasks I’ve been procrastinating that are due today. Mostly stuff for the GLR and I need to try and stay focused on that and not log into my personal Submittable account because that will inevitably lead to hours of research, revision, letter writing and I just don’t have time for that today. I need to stay focussed.

I should be satisfied with November. I mean, I am satisfied. I managed to bump myself up to 75 open subs despite the rejections and as I said yesterday, can cruise through December holding that line.

Amidst those rejections are a few more acceptances. Gyroscope Review, Local Honey, and Vital Sparks to name a few. Plus, my poem “Covid Sunset” was in the top 10 for a contest put on by Wingless Dreamer for their “Fruits of our Quarantine” collection. That’s awesome sauce. That’s an actual printed book which I somehow appreciate more than the bits and bytes that are online only. Even though Kate says online is where it’s at now, I like having a physical book I can hold, thumb through, dog-ear, and see on my shelf.

So far my experience with these publications leads me to believe that the GLR is doing a good job with communication. To be fair, most places that are accepting my work are just as new. Gyroscope Review might be the exception to that rule, but a few seem so new that there’s not a lot to see on their websites. Vital Sparks appears to be a basic placeholder for future content. With no info and no aesthetic, it makes me wonder what I was thinking sending my baby there.

And not just any baby but one of my favorites. Perhaps it’s for the best. As it is one of my favorites, I have no idea if it’s a good poem or not. More than a year, and 10 revisions old now and I still can’t tell. I’ve offered this baby to lots of places and this brand new lit mag was the one that snatched it up. How will they present my baby to the world? It remains to be seen.

I wonder if I should Pay more attention to social media. Maybe this is where the action is happening—the promo, the big-news. I might need to spend some time researching that. But not today.

Not today. Not today. Not today.

I have to keep telling myself this so I don’t get distracted. I have other work to do.

Yes, I seem to be taking nicely to my new role. I enjoy tending to my healthy household and look forward to my son returning this week from his quarantine. I’ll have all the Christmas decorations out of storage by then and we’ll be set for a bit of a traditional tree-trimming party next weekend. This would normally be the weekend after thanksgiving but the Covid kind of effffed that up too.

Pretty soon now we’ll have a vaccine but I’m still not making any plans. Not booking airline tickets or entertaining ideas about field trips or road trips or one-year anniversary vacations. Other people are doing this for me as I refuse to hope for one more damn thing.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Nope. I’m setting my expectations dangerously low and that way I can’t be disappointed. I’ll just keep trucking with all these semi-isolated days, enjoying all the good things that I have right here in the comfort of my own home.

Like walking on my treadmill, cooking for my crew, and scheming about how to protect our outside guests from the brutality a Nebraska winter, which appears to have arrived overnight.

We woke today to a bitter 18 degrees and both black cats were creeping the back yard. Puffy was clearly hungry and though he/she ran away when I went to fill the food dish, she/he came right back and had a really healthy snack. That’s when the topic of constructing some sort of shelter came up again. Nothing store bought mind you as we’ve spend enough money on the inside cats.

No, we’re talking cardboard, leftover insulation and plastic. Jim even mentioned tubing that could be constructed to funnel vent heat into whatever shelter we decide upon. All with no guarantee that these strays will be interested in such a home. Heck, they probably already have several homes. But it does get really cold and if there is something we can do to help protect them, we want to do that. But not today.

Not today. Not today. Not today.

Oh boy, I’m headed for trouble.

Cheers to Taking Bows and Tying Bows,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-29 Rounding Up and Rounding Out

Every morning I get at least two new-to-me poems in my email in-box. About a week ago I decided that since I’m tired of writing about The same-old-same-old AND seem to be Most inspired to write Creatively after reading new material that I would use these little nuggets as a jumping off points for new musings. The first couple were (as shiny new things always are) starry successes. So much so that I decided that my next book length project would be a collection of these works, which I’m calling “flips.”

I proceeded to think of everything. Including using the word “flip” capitalizing on its multiple meanings— acrobatic acts, turning over, opposite sides, and fate. Perfection! The next word I had to decide on was the one to follow. Would it be “with” or “of” or “on”? Certainly not “over.” My intention to provide continuity of titles and at the same time nod to the poem or essay or story that inspired the flip.

A few more days and more contemplation about the concept later and I’m deciding not to post these flips to my blog… advice in my ear reminding me not to put potentials in the public domain. Some article I read about getting published. A succinct list of do’s and don’ts. Some publishers won’t publish your stuff if you’ve self published on a personal blog or website. Duly noted.

Heeding this warning led me to believe that I truly think I might be onto something. I mean, it stands to reason that if I didn’t think a poem had a chance in the real world I would not hesitate to post it. I mean, so what right?! I’ve been posting my poems for about 10 years now on my original blog, and rarely visit or post new stuff. What is there now I leave up. 1. I’ll probably never seek publishing any of these old poems as they are largely before my time in my MFA. 2. It’s nice to have a record of what my life and poetry were like before The Cataclysm.

The Cataclysm, so dramatic! But personally fitting for the event that led me to change my life. Look at me now!?! I’m not apologizing. Hurray!!

Anyway, so a few more days go by and I don’t get anything new from my attempts to flip. Probably because I got gobbled up with that Raccoon River Reading business. That kind of thing takes all my energy and attention.

Then it was Thanksgiving. And now I’m back at it, finding success again yesterday. Double hurray!!

Each day I open my email and know that poets.org posts in the early AM and Paris Review is later. Each day I have a little sliver of hope that today will be the day my poem “This” will appear on poets.org.

My acknowledgment earning poem, submitted to the American Academy of Poets contest through the University this year. As I understand it the poem will be posted on the site at some point, presumably sometime before the end of next years contest when they will have hundreds of new poems to choose from.

I’ve already exhausted almost all the happy dancing in me over this poem, but this one last nod would be a nice bow on the whole ordeal. Just don’t know when I’ll open my email and find that bow.

Today was not that day. It was also not a poem that particularly inspires me to write anything. So I quickly move on to the Paris Review. That one holds a little promise. A bite-size poem which is a perfect jumping off point. It’s got it all, brevity, deeper meaning, engaging language, and a title that requires research but is revealing and satisfying.

I really hate when something requires research and the research doesn’t reveal any more about the poem. I mean, it should. I need to remind myself of this when I think about including obscure references in my poems.

So “After Callimachus” is a possibility today but if it wasn’t, I have plenty of other options. A new book came in the mail yesterday and one the day before that and I barely scratched the surface of Rattle 69 and I’ve already received 70. Yeah.. at least I’m getting something for the $$$ I’m spending on submissions.

On that front I’m still holding steady in the low 70’s. Dipped down to 68 briefly this week with a few more rejections and then I had a submission surge one day this week and am back up to like 73. I think 75 is a nice round number to shoot for. Perhaps I’ll put together a few more as the month comes to a close. Hit my target and then cruise December. Perhaps.

With that, I think I’ll get off this treadmill and get on with my day. Lots planned for today. More decorating, meeting with Ed for final acceptances for the GLR, baking cookies. Hopefully I won’t be doing these things alone. We’ll see.

ICheers to Third Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-27 My Days are Like the Weather in Nebraska

Being gung-ho one day is no problem. Having big plans and Ideas and goals is easy to do for a day or two but sticking with a plan, day in and day out, is not as easy. This is why taking on bite-sized improvements is important. I can count on my 10 fingers the things I committed to yesterday. And somehow I had energy and was inspired.

I also had all these other non-goal related thoughts about past relationships and memories and poems I wanted to write. A variable fever parade of ideas. Today, however, it’s all gone.

Rewind to last night when I was riding a wave of unusually high evening energy. I was attributing that to a boost in the protein I had to eat during the day. Like one day would make that much difference. But I was still awake at 10:30 which is super rare. Then when I did get to bed I began to have a headache. And a stomach ache. Both persisted through the night and that’s exactly how I woke up.

6:30am with an aching head and nausea. The light sensitivity made me conclude it was probably a migraine. My sleep was so poor the FitBit didn’t even calculate a score. Good grief.

It’s definitely not the way I wanted to start day 2 with all my new goals. And it’s not like I could have slept in to try and extend my night. Nope.

I had to get up and make breakfast and get my son Up too as he forgot to set his alarm clock. I drove him to school and when I got home I had to grab our new little kitten who had a vet appointment for the rest of his shots at 8:30.

I briefly considered canceling that because of my headache but powered through to get it over with. The good news is that Gus-Gus is doing great. He’s 9.4 pounds and very well adjusted for a 5 month old. The women at the clinic just love our little purrrr machine. They clipped his claws and say he did great. When it’s all said and done, I’m glad I went and can check that off my list.

When I got home, I gave myself like an hour to lay on the couch with my eyes closed. The ghost of my migraine still loitering about with Luigi on the right side of my head. But I knew I would feel worse if I lay around too long so I got up and took a caffeine and did the dishes.

Now I’m on the treadmill trying to get my steps. Yesterday I got 17K which is way above goal and also rare. Of the measures agreed upon I did good on 3 out of 4 yesterday. Sleep is the only one I didn’t hit goal on, but as I said yesterday the answer to that is mostly getting to bed at a descent time.

So now that I’m in a more “typical” state of mind, I can think clearly about what bite size goals looks like. Doing “everything” now is not realistic. I can reposition the needle, point at moderation in most cases.

Still, I wish I could get back the energy and all those ideas I had yesterday. I’d like to do some of that creative writing.. something new, anything. The amount of viable writing I have done this year is kind of pathetic, but it’s a pandemic so I can’t be too hard on myself.

I wish I had something more today. I think this is it though. Time to try and be productive. That trash is not going to take itself out. The litter boxes aren’t going to scoop themselves. My life is so exciting. 🙄

Wait a Day and It Will Change (again),
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-06 Life as a Kitten Mama

This morning I had to take Gustav to the vet for shots and so I’m getting a strange late start to my day. These days it’s curbside appointments only. You pull up and call when you arrive and they check you in and come out to the car to get your pet. Then you wait in your car. Or if you’re me you make a quick trip to the Dunkin that’s in that same plaza for a medium hot latte with French vanilla swirl. Mmmmm.

20 minutes later they call back and get your payment info and then bring your furry back to your car. Gus had his first round of shots today and will have to go back in a month for the follow up.

He’s worn his harness a few times now and outside of the drive from Michigan, he’s barely been in the car. Maybe like 4 rides total. But he did great. They say that in the first six months you should do everything you intend to do with the cat in their life to get them used to it. I’ve definitely not taken Gus for as many rides as I did with Kayla.

She was in the car with me a lot and I even took her to the badlands. Still, there was a long stretch after that that she was almost never in the car and I think she forgot all her conditioning. Now when we go she is very nervous and does a lot of mewing. It’s the only time I ever hear her talk.

Come to think of it, all our cats are pretty quiet. Wonder why that is.

When Gus talks he still has his baby-monkey voice sometimes. Like In the car today. I’ve heard him have a big-boy mew a few times but not a lot yet. I kind of wonder if that tiny, squeaky voice will stick around or if he’ll grow out of it completely. It’s really adorable. He’s adorable.

The vet said she had a tough time listening to him (his heartbeat I’m guessing), because he was purring so loud. He’s a purr machine! And it is loud and so cuddly. He’s 7 pounds 9 ounces now. A ball of energy that has two speeds, go-go-go and sleep. He definitely has the energy of a kitten and the other cats seem to like him ok, but sometimes lay there and watch him like “I used to have energy like that.”

Sometimes Gus Gus (not a typo, that’s one of his nicknames) provokes Doug cuz he likes to wrestle. Him and Doug go rounds of pounce and roll until Doug has had enough and tries to get away. Doug is like more than twice his size so it’s super adorable. You can tell that they are just playing and Gus is relentless for more.

Like an annoying little brother who just wants the attention of his big bro. With Kayla it’s a different story. She’s top Kitten here and wants to make sure the other cats know it. She chases and pounces too but it seems a little more aggressive and territorial. And after introducing Gus, the hierarchy was established and Gus doesn’t really challenge her anymore.

She definitely was not maternal like we had hoped. Maybe once she realizes he’s not a threat, she’ll be a better sister. We can hope anyway. 🤷‍♀️

As one of my first orders of business this week, I wanted to give the kittens all some better attention. Lots of pets and playing. And of course get lots of pics of all the cuteness that goes on. Which is a lot.

Another prime directive is to spend each day working on my personal endeavors. Yesterday I submitted to about 4 new places. I told Jim that sometimes I aim high and sometimes I aim low and sometimes I close my eyes and don’t aim at all. Which is to say that I just “discover” places through Submittable and don’t research them at all.

Probably not the best way to go about it but it is a lot of work doing the research. Sometimes I wander away to the websites to see what they have to offer and what they have published in the past. I would say that has caused me to rethink submitting a few times. Save my worlds and my $3 for someplace else.

Yesterday I took a different approach to aiming high. I opened a newly acquired poetry book by one of my MFA mentors Jim Peterson, and read the acknowledgements page. Then I went through that list of places and started looking them up, one by one, to see if they had open calls. About half so far have.

I’ve thought about submitting a full manuscript but I’m not quite there yet. Feel like maybe I should try to get more individual poems published first. Then again, sometimes I question the point of it all. Maybe that’s just the mood I’m in today. Which is that I-just-want-to-snuggle-kittens-all-day mood.

While I was sitting in the car at the vet this morning I read a new email from my MFA program coordinator relating info about the lecture topics for this coming residency. In an instant my blood pressure went up and I felt a knot form in my stomach. I just don’t wanna think about it at all.

The other lectures look extremely informative and well thought out and my one sentence description was very generic. I wrote it that way for a reason, like 6 months ago as I was supposed to give a lecture at Res this past summer.

I deferred till winter in classic Miss. SugarCookie procrastinator form. The reading doesn’t bother me at all. It’s just reading. But giving a lecture is icky. Of course I’m terrified. Of course I’m unprepared. Of course I’m worried that I’ll bomb and people will find out I’m a big fraud. Of course, of course, of course. 🙄

I guess I’ll have to put some more effort into figuring out what exactly I’m going to talk about. /deep sigh 😔

But first…. kittens!! 🐱🧡💛

Time to get on with it.
~Miss SugarCookie