2021-10-14 Being Busy has its Advantages

What’s on my mind today? My children flying to Washington by themselves (with each other) and the whole thing is outside my control. Yes, they will be with their dad for the duration of their trip, but he and his significant other flew yesterday. 

Despite my daughter sometimes being needy, she’s definitely independent and very responsible. I trust her to take charge and help her brother. However, that doesn’t stop a mother’s worry. It doesn’t change my fear of something happening and I have to keep telling myself it will all be ok.

It will be fine. It will be fine. It really will.

The trick, at this point, is to distract myself with things that are in my control. I’m therefore going to be exercising, working on the pages for issue 5 of The Good Life Review, and packing for my next vacation which is coming up quick. 

I’ve felt like I’ve needed a vacation for a while now—a serious break from this house and the Cinderella routine. Its been nonstop drama for a few weeks now with plumbing issues, security system issues, and closing the pool. Not to mention the never ending pile of dirty dishes and litter boxes that need scooped! 

I also need some time away from the situations with my parents. Both have ongoing health problems that require more than the typical amount of daughter duties. My brother is actually arriving today to help my mom who’s still recovering from major surgery and chemotherapy. My only task in the next couple days will be to show up at dinner. 

Anyway… I’ve got a lot to get done and, like I said, it’s all a good distraction from the worry balled up in my stomach. And with that.. I’ve gotta jam.

Stay Frosty Friends, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-25 California Adventure Day 3: Escape from San Francisco

Yesterday we lingered a little too long for my taste in the Bay Area. Everything about the city is painful.. the traffic, parking, long lines, crowds. Ugh!

We literally went to three brunch places before we found one that had less than an hour wait. AND spent about 30 bucks on parking and a half an hour walking in the process. F that noise!

But the place we ended up going was nice and so all’s we’ll that ends well.

Before we left the city Z wanted to get better pics of the Golden Gate Bridge because it was so foggy the day before so we spent another hour plus doing that. The “plus” was the traffic getting out of downtown. I was watching a guy walking on the sidewalk and he was literally going faster than we were in the car. Ridiculous! But again, we made the most of it and she was satisfied with the extra time spent.

After that we headed south on highway 1 and did not look back. We stopped for gas and a bite once we got to Pacifica but that’s it. Then it was highway 1 all the way to San Simeon where we had a room reserved for the night.

The drive was interesting. Partly beautiful, partly treacherous, and, in the end after it got dark, downright terrifying. As the sun we could not see set on the western horizon, the sharp curves and sheer drops to the ocean below made the scene other/worldly and I gripped the steering wheel like my life depended on it.

San Simeon feels like it’s kind of in the middle of nowhere and there’s not much here. A couple of beach motels, restaurants, I’ll liquor store, and that’s it.

This morning as Z slept I walked to the beach right across the street (highway 1) and stood in front of the Pacific Ocean. I had a phone call with Jim, took a few snaps, collected a few rocks, and then headed back across the highway to our motel. I’m ready to get this day on the road, Figuratively and literally. 

Next Stop LA!

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-24 California Adventure Day 2: Weathering the Weather 🌁

We woke up with a grey cloud hanging above us. It showed up the day before and seemed determined to alter the course of our time here in San Fran; determined to take over whatever plan we might have had and squash it. We both felt it and though she shrugged when we were discussing what to do, I said “I just want you to have a good time.” 

Z said “I know.” And so we aimed to get some resolution in order to let go of the phone incident and actually DO something in the city we had been in for two days. This meant sacrificing over an hour in the morning on the phone with our phone carrier (who is terrible and shall not be named) going round and round their automated phone system just to speak to a person who could not connect the dots to help. I was, after some pain, able to get my name and address changed so that we could file a claim and initiate the claim process. 

We then sacrificed our selected brunch location in order to keep our appointment at the Apple store at the Stonestown Galleria mall. We ended up having brunch at a little hole-in-the-wall place close to our AirBnB that Z selected based on the picture she found when googling for breakfast places. It was called Fog City Cafe and Z absolutely loved her french toast. Our subsequent trip to Apple was a success and that’s when the gloom began to clear and the sun revealed. 

After that we proceeded to hit all the tourist highlights that she was interested in. We went to Chinatown (which she was not interested in but we happened to park and walk from there) and Pier 39. We wandered around the Pier and saw exactly 6 sea lions on the docks. I guess it’s mating season and they are all away doing that procreation thing that animals do. 

We had lunch at the Wipeout Grill which was OK followed by an Uber ride back to the car as Z was NOT interested in walking 30 minutes back to the car. I think it was good for her to experience walking the hills of the city, just to know what that’s like. She did not agree. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent driving to the tourist locations of interest which included Lombard street, the Painted Ladies, the Dragon Gate (and through Chinatown again) and then across the Golden Gate Bridge. Interestingly, despite the figurative dark cloud hanging over our day, it had been a bright and sunny day in the city up to that point. But as we drove that last little stretch, the sky turned dark again and by the time we got to the bridge it was so shrouded in dense fog, you could not even see it. It was eerie. 

We stopped at a lookout on the opposite side and got out to take a few snaps. It was very windy and cold and we did not stay long. After that we drove straight back to our AirBnb and had a pretty chill evening. We went to Target, had popcorn and a glass of wine, did our nails, and watched Master Chef. 

In a way, it did not matter that we had to alter our plans because no matter what we were doing, we were together and that’s what counted. I wanted Z to learn from this experience but I think I learned just as much. The day turned out fine despite the obstacles and we had a good time. I had said that was all I really wanted and that’s what I got. 

Peace and Love in Sunshine and Rain,
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-23 California Adventure Day 1: Not the Blog Post I Was Hoping For

The day yesterday started with a bit of a headache,at 5AM. OK, It was more than a “bit,” it was pretty bad and within a few minutes of being awake, I knew it was a migraine. Of all days and times to have this?? The timing is terrible. I realized that with the long travel day yesterday and being off my normal routine I had not had the requisite amount of caffeine. Plus, air travel and navigating a new situation is always stressful. 

Right now it’s about 24 hours since I woke up yesterday and sometimes it’s hard to recount the events of the previous day when something has happened that has overshadowed everything else. 

I’d like to write about our drive up to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo California where Z met her good friend (of about 4 years) Alex in person for the first time. I’d be tickled to report the girls had a great time riding rides, taking pictures, and chatting about stuff IRL. I’d even like to write about my own experience as a mom, supporting this little detour in our trip and meeting Alex’s mom who I spent several hours talking with while we waited for the girls to ride rides. But all of that feels as if it pales in comparison to how our day at the park ended, which was with Z’s phone getting destroyed on a ride. 

It’s a sad statement to say that a person’s phone has become so much a part of their daily operations that when something like this happens, it’s a huge deal. She’s a teenager and her phone is her lifeline to the world. I wish it wasn’t so. I know that when I was 19, people didn’t have cell phones yet, but in this day and age, even for me, losing a phone would be an issue. 

Yes, data could be in the cloud, but her apple cloud has been “full” for quite some time and she stopped paying the 99 cents a month to have it. Even if she had all her data backed up there, it would not help the fact the most important thing to her were the pictures and videos she took yesterday, meeting Alex for the first time. She’s heartbroken to have lost these moments and what’s more, is that the shadow this casts on the day is tough to overcome. 

The phone is a total loss. The word “destroyed” best describes it’s physical condition and the bottom, where you plug in the cable, is smashed in well beyond repair. So there is zero hope to recover any lost data. 

The good news is that it is just a phone and we have insurance through our cell carrier and she can get a replacement phone by filing a claim and paying a deductible. However, this is definitely not something we can or want to deal with on vacation. Oh yeah, we are on vacation. She wants to take pictures and video and stay connected to people. At the end of the day, this bump in our road is more of an emotional one than anything else. 

As a parent, I need to be both supportive of her thoughts and feelings but also help her realize how small this issue is in the grand scheme. I want to help her see past it, so we can try to enjoy our time here together, which is so very short. I think this situation gives me the opportunity to provide a good life lesson. I need to take it and do what I can with it. 

It’s funny how in my post yesterday I was lamenting the fact that I’m in San Francisco, a city I don’t care for much, and kind of groaning internally about doing all the touristy things. And today, I need to embrace those experiences to help prove my point to my daughter. I have to make this day fun and memorable. I want to laugh through the dense fog and find the bright side. I have to, for both our sakes. 

*** 

So there it is. All about the stupid phone and nothing about our drive on the Golden Gate Bridge or dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall mexican joint or our third (yes I said third) trip to Target last night. One might scoff, but retail therapy is a real thing and looking at sweatshirts and little backpacks and being silly in the store really did lighten our moods. 

After that, I was beat-tired and very done with the day. I could barely stay awake for 5 minutes after going to bed (for the second night in a row). 

My fingers are crossed for a good (better) day today.

With peace and love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-22 California Adventure Day 0: No Love for San Fran (But Big Love for My Z) ❤️

San Francisco and I have a storied past. In all honesty, if it were up to me, I wouldn’t visit again. I’m not really a fan. I think the city is overrated and don’t quite understand the appeal. Am I not cultured enough or hip enough to “get it?” Perhaps. But arriving yesterday I was reminded not only of how uninspired I am by this 7 by 7 town, but also all the “meh-mories.”

First trip in my early 20’s with my mom and sister with a primary goal of visiting my brother who lived in Santa Clara at the time. I don’t remember much except the few touristy things we did which included a ferry ride on the bay and visiting the Pier. That trip was overshadowed by the one and only time I had the gumption to have words with my sister in law who (to this day) is a unique piece of work. 

I visited again in my early 30’s with a girlfriend and her friend. My first real “girls trip.” Of course that was near the end of my marriage and I was a little bit of a wreck at times. I remember drinking too many Bloody Mary’s  on the layover in Vegas on the way here and ending up with the most splitting migraine on the afternoon of my first day here. It took me out for a day, but I bounced back enough to do the touristy things, like riding a cable car and visiting the Pier. I also remember we went to a club one night that had salsa dancing and I had a great time. The man I danced with was a strong and brilliant lead and I remember thinking THAT was what I wanted from life (or rather who). 

Fast forward about 4 years to 2012. By then I had been divorced about 2 years and was newly dating Matt. We had our big two week California adventure which began and ended in San Fran. We flew in, took the Starlight Coast train to Seattle and then drove back down on highway 101. It was a good trip but visiting the bay area was mostly just in and out. Of course we made time to visit the Golden Gate Bridge and, you guessed it, the Pier. We also had friends, Rahul and Sarah, we visited here and that was probably the highlight of our stay in the Bay. 

Matt and I would travel to San Fran several more times during our five year relationship. He worked for a start-up that had regular meetings and I loved to travel so I would tag along. I don’t remember much except drinking and food and quit doing the normal touristy things. How many times can you see Alcatraz or the Sea Lions and not have it be sort of “so-what?” 

I also can’t help but have a few memories about Matt from here that sadly (but fittingly) remind me why we were not a good match for each other. I could spiral down into that here, but I’ve not got the time or emotional energy for it right now. The point is, I’m so not in love with this town. I’m not even in like with it. So why am I here?? 

The short answer is because of my darling daughter, Z. She’s never been here before and when we were working out where she wanted to go for her High School Graduation gift trip, visiting this town was a big part of our grand plan. Of course that was last year and then the pandemic hit and all our plans got squashed, but we finally made it to the coast, about one month before she goes back to begin her sophomore year at UNL. Originally we had concert tickets for Fall Out Boy and now that’s not happening until a week after she goes back to school so instead we are planning our own little drive down the coast to go to Universal Studios in Hollywood. 

For now, we have about 3 days to explore the area here and she does not know the extent of my feelings about the town so I’m open to doing whatever she wants to do. I’m sure that will involve many of those touristy things I’ve grown to groan about. But this trip is not about me, it’s about her. I want to make her experience as fun, memorable, and positive as possible. 

Yesterday was day 0, travel day, which began super early and was very long. We had our first view of the bay, the bridge, and the pacific ocean. We had pizza for dinner at a local place that’s supposed to be one of the best followed by a quick stop at Ocean Beach to see the sunset. We also hit Target and TJ Max to pick up a few essentials and snacks and with that, I think we are set for getting the most of out this trip. 

Today, thankfully, we are getting out of town and heading north to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom where Z is getting to meet her friend Alex in person for the first time. They met online and have been friends for a number of years and she’s one of the reasons visiting northern california was so appealing to Z. I’m excited for them. I’m not particularly jazzed about the amusement park, but we’ll see how that plays out. 

We’ll see how all of this plays out. Maybe San Fran can redeem itself on this trip. Maybe something about it will change how I feel? A girl can hope right?? 

On that note.. It’s time for me to get up and get ready for the day. This early AM writing without my treadmill is very different but I’m going to try and document as much of this trip as I can for posterity.

Cheers to West Coast Wandering,
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-09 All’s Well that Ends Well

I’ve got just a little time today, and at the very least wanted to document for posterity that the day yesterday turned out ok despite the conflicted emotions over cancelled plans and personal insecurities. I went to CB and had a nice time with my friends (after my obligatory weekly visit with my dad, who is also in CB). 

We met at Cellar 19 for a quick drink with my husband and her husband before her and I headed out to our other girlfriend’s house for charcuterie and more wine. It was a nice time with easy conversation and after the initial social anxious feeling subsided, I was fine. 

I don’t think people who don’t have social anxiety understand that even meeting friends—people you live and trust, can be stressful. 

Other than that, I made a good dent in my list yesterday and am continuing on the same path today. The first order of business, though, was to take my daughter to the allergist to be tested. 

She’s been just miserable lately and Allegra isn’t helping much. She’s been popping Benadryl like nobody’s business and that comes with some unsavory side effects. She wanted to get her options and also find out what the biggest causes are. 

They test for 56 different kinds of allergens by putting tiny doses in a grid pattern on your back with little needles. There’s minimal pain associated but a fair level of discomfort while you wait 20 minutes for them to “read” the results and then apply cream to alleviate the severe itch. 

She had at least a mild reaction to 95% of the allergens, and a more moderate reaction to about half, and a severe reaction to about 10 things, including several kinds of grasses, trees, mold, and of course cats and dogs. 

She loves her pets and can’t imagine life without them and is also planning to have both cats and dogs when she has her own place so she’s 100% all in with getting desensitization shots. It’s probably better she starts them now while she’s still under our insurance. It’s 3-5 years of shots and I had no idea that was a thing. 

As a kid I had seasonal allergies quite terribly and just suffered. I can remember every single year I was so excited about the first hard-freeze. Like serious happy dancing seeing frost and snow. It was trees, grass, dust, and who knows what else but it always subsided when winter arrived. 

I’ve pretty much grown out of all that but still take an allergy pill daily, apparently the most mild and reportedly least effective one on the market. After hearing that today, I’m considering quitting it altogether just to see if I can tell a difference. 

The doc said, “yeah, that one is like water… there’s nothing in it.” 😜

I think that’s it today. It’s definitely time to roll into the weekend. Calgon (and Jim)… take me away! 

With Peace and Love and Margaritas, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-02 Wait a Day and the Forecast Will Change

In case anyone is playing along, I did not let the snafu with my ex go. I sent a follow up text pointing out that he literally contradicted his own “advice” to our son by ignoring my text message. And of course I couldn’t help but throw in that I don’t agree with him and that we all want what we want. Who doesn’t? 

He replied promptly with a longer text that explained that my text didn’t ask a question and therefore required no reply. Oh there’s a loophole in the “social contract” that excuses his behavior. That makes sense. Then of course he could not help but include a statement about how he doesn’t understand why I “always take things so personally.” 

Hmmmmm. 🤔 Did I do that? After 18 years of marriage and 11 years divorced, how does one not take something personally, especially when it has to do with my son. 

I don’t think I said anything to indicate I had taken it personally actually. Was my follow up inquiry perceived as me taking things personally? Perhaps. But I care. Is that so wrong? 

Anyhow.. all that nonsense led to an actual phone conversation where he admitted he didn’t like to text. And he didn’t see any reason for it this time since we’d already just talked and agreed to a plan of action. 

He agreed. That’s the point. I didn’t agree to anything and specifically said so. What’s up with that? 

But for all our not seeing eye to eye, we do agree our son needs to be more active and more responsible. 

It ended up being an ok conversation. Not worth recounting with the time I have now, but I’m hopeful we can do better helping our son navigate his senior year. 

So that wraps that up. ☑️ ☑️ 

I wasn’t intending to hash through all of that, but if I’m anything at all, it’s a girl who digs having resolution and closure. 

Now, all of that is melting into a blur pretty quickly because there are hotter fish to fry. 

I’m simply livid over an issue with TicketMaster, irritated about something that happened at the hardware store, and most recently upset because my daughter borrowed my Air Pods without asking my permission AND then lost the case. Ugh! 😡 Where do I even begin??!!

*** 

That was how my day ended yesterday. I was so pissed off I couldn’t even have a conversation with myself before I went to sleep. That’s pretty bad man.. when you are so mad at yourself that you go to bed mad. But.. I think I really just needed sleep and to reset. 

Some days are like that. It feels as though nothing goes right and no matter what you do, it just keeps getting worse in your head. 

Jim did his best to talk me down but I wasn’t having that either. 

Waking up this morning I felt better. I still feel better. I guess that’s proof of what I’m talking about. I mean, nothing has changed. I still have ticket master and the missing Air pod case to deal with today, yet it’s a new day and I’m sure it will all turn out fine. 

A few days ago my friend T reached out to ask how I was doing and I told her I was good and she proceeded to tell me how she was depressed and feeling like life was out to get her. My advice was to be kind to herself and wait a few days and see if it subsides. 

The short story is that it did. It does that. I can give advice when asked but don’t always remember to heed that advice myself. Last night I certainly couldn’t. 

But now look. Today is a new day and every little thing’s gonna be all right. 

Cheers to a long weekend, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-01 The One To My Ex About Actions and Consequences

To admit you feel as though you want revenge is to admit to being human. That’s my excuse. I’m human and therefore flawed in all the miraculous ways human beings are. It’s a miracle that we are here at all— stranded on this spiral arm of stars. 

I’m flawed for feeling as though I’m enjoying a version of revenge served not by my own hand but the hand of fate which is, indeed, the sweetest kind. A dish best served not only cold, but guiltless and stringless. 

That I was a victim of your circumstance is circumstantial when so many years have passed. But we are all victims of our own circumstance, dear. Who would not agree? 

Scratch that. You probably would not agree—the consummate devil’s advocate in you has been nothing but consistent. But that was just a fraction of our fractured past. A piece of glass not worth looking at most days. But it’s on my mind today. 

Rewind a few days when I had to be the go-between in a disagreement you were having with our son. Except it was more of a one sided argument that you started when you didn’t like something he did. You just wanted to rant and lecture without any thought about the consequence or end.

The irony in it is that his behavior is learned behavior. Behavior he picked up from you. How many times have I tried to communicate with you only to be “ghosted”? So it’s not a surprise when you reach out to him and he ignores you. 

More irony in that you say he can’t just do what he wants when he wants and that there are consequences to his actions. Because that’s all you have ever done in your life—whatever you want regardless of the consequences. Quite literally.

You tried to pull me in and play the “unified parent” card for “his own good.” It’s bullshit. I’m not playing. 

You call me an enabler. You pigeonhole our son and predict his future to fit your own agenda. You say he’s a manipulator who plays us against each other. You say he hides from the world because he’s lazy and lacks confidence. I say, “sounds familiar.” 

For as much as he’s like you, he’s also like me. An introverted kid who keeps to himself and stays in his room doing what he enjoys most. He’s not motivated by your approach. He’s just a teenager who is vulnerable, impressionable, and probably lonely. To which I say, aren’t we all? 

Last night I scrolled through my text messages to find my last message to you, which you never replied to (two days old now). You had just finished ranting and preaching about “social contracts” and the courtesy of responding to text messages and then you undercut your own point by not responding to my attempt to communicate some sort of a plan to get our son more active. Typical.

Of course I know we both want what’s best for our son but in this case, I don’t happen to agree with you about what that is or how to achieve it. 

You hardly ever see your daughter and I wonder if you realize why that is. You burn bridges and then throw your hands in the air and wonder why people don’t come back to you. 

I began this writing about revenge. Or something that feels like revenge. When in actuality all I’m really doing is enjoying my life and the positive, open, and caring relationships in my life. Revenge implies I have something spiteful to get back at you for. 

For many years I held it against you that so many years of my life were wasted trying to make something out of us. I’ve since come to realize that none of it was wasted and that time is short and all we can ever really do is make the most of what we have been given. This is exactly what drives me now. 

Stop burning and start building. Or don’t. It’s your life and your relationships with your children. 

The only question for me now is whether I let this incident go, or say something more to try and get through to you? For your own good. For theirs. I’m just not sure. 

Waiting and watching 👀,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-06-28 Loneliness

Today’s poem of the day from the Paris Review is about loneliness. Today’s heartache is not knowing how to help my daughter navigate her loneliness. 

It’s a staunch truth that though we may be surrounded by people—home, work, school— we can still be suffering from loneliness. A longing to be with our person or persons. Someone who has dedicated their precious time and space to listening to us. To hearing us, holding us, and to being present in those difficult moments. 

But not just difficult moments. Laughter is so important too and what would life be without someone who makes you laugh or laughs with you, sometimes rolling on the floor with tears streaming down cheeks, uncontrollably? Without someone to smile with, life would be a train on a track rolling through a dark tunnel. No sun, no rain, just a cold dark void. 

At 1:30am my phone rings. I know before I look that it’s her. Call it a mother’s instinct, call it experience. It’s a call that hurts my heart and I’m ready when I answer. “Yes, I will come to your room.” 

I shuffle up the stairs and she’s sitting on the edge of her bed in tears. The first thing she says is that she needs a hug but I’m already by her side with my arm around her. She’s crying so hard she can’t breathe. At that moment I’m not sure what triggered it, but it doesn’t matter. I hold her tighter. 

We sit that way on the edge of her bed for a while, not saying anything. And then finally I break the silence by asking what has happened. She tells me and again, I’m not surprised. 

Her best friend is a shitty friend. She only has one and has suffered from a long string of terrible, undependable, aloof, or thoughtless friends. People that she’s put her trust in and they’ve broken her heart, disappointed and abandoned her. She’s been stranded alone so often she has developed a fear and a kind of neediness that feels to me to be atypical for a girl her age. 

The advice or wisdom some might offer is that it’s just a phase and that she’ll meet other friends and it will be wonderful. And though I might believe that too, I can’t let those words exit my mouth in front of her. I understand her. 

She’s an introvert and has a tough time meeting new people. She doesn’t feel comfortable speaking in a group and doesn’t seek out new friends. She’s trapped in a bubble. I understand her. 

That’s my message. I hold her and just try to reinforce that she’s not alone. That I’m here to listen, to talk, and that I will not abandon her. 

I am hopeful that when she goes back to college this fall her new dorm mates will be nice girls who she can connect with. I hope she meets people in her classes and that her world gets a little bigger. It’s lonely living in a bubble and it’s not natural. And I hope she’s open to it too and pushes herself to be outside her comfort zone a little bit. I want to promise her it will be worth it, but I can’t make that promise. 

We sat and talked for about an hour and then laid down and talked some more. She shared her thoughts and feelings and I listened. Then I shared some of my own life experiences so she knows she’s not alone. At about 3:15am I went back to my own bed because I knew she had to get up at 8 for work. 

This morning she came down the stairs, her normal grumpy morning mood tempered a little as she asked for some ibuprofen for her cramps. Yeah, the apple doesn’t fall far. 

I’m not terribly inspired by the poem about loneliness, but it feels very accurate. I spent many years feeling that. I’m empathetic but it’s so much worse because I’m her mom and I hate that she’s hurting. You want to protect your children, you know, shield them from the rough times but you can’t. We all have them. All we can really do is be there. 

We’re going to dinner tonight, just the two of us. Hopefully we can have a good conversation and I can get to a place with her that she will be open to the advice I have to offer. 

So starts a new week. Not exactly the start I was hoping for, but there it is. 

Be kind to each other,

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Today’s daily poem from the Paris Review:

Though It Looks Like a Throat It Is Not
by Patricia Goedicke
Issue no. 65 (Spring 1976)

The shape of loneliness is a hole
By definition, to be filled.

At the outer edges of the hole
The lizard of jealousy sits
Licking his cold lips

For the shape of loneliness is a hole
With teeth on either side.

In the middle of everyone’s body
Like an empty house, like a coffin

Though it looks like a throat it is not‚
Though it looks like a cunt it is not,

Nothing glows in it but heartburn‚
Nothing lives in it but hot air‚
Gulps of it, rushing through the passages

Occasionally a sigh hurtles through it
Like the roar of a buffalo in a wind tunnel

So that the thin shell of self pity all around it
Shivers a little, and whines

So that it develops a red nose
Complaining to itself, and muttering
Gradually its conversations become more boring

So that everyone walks right by it without looking,
Nobody even bothers to fall in it
By accident,

Tears water it, profusely
Eventually sadness swamps everything,

Out there among the stars
And the light years between stars

Even the last tiny pinprick of fire at the bottom
Soggy as a landslide sloughs away
To the other side of space

For the shape of loneliness is a hole
Without any edges, finally

The entire universe whistles through it.

2021-06-03 Coming to a Few Conclusions

I’ve tried a few times so far this week to write something. It’s just not there, you know, and I’m not inclined to fight it. 

The rest of our KC road trip came and went and I began to write about that, but got distracted by life and stuff needing attention. 

I’ve wanted to write about my former father-in-law and how I felt a dull ache in my heart for days and angst over whether or not I should go to the funeral. I gave blood last week and began crying on the “table” during the donation and had to wave off the concerned Red Cross staff, letting them know it was something else entirely and I was fine.

The funeral is today and I’m going. I asked a few people if I should or not and wasn’t satisfied with any of the answers I received. Not because they didn’t make logical sense or because they were contrary to what I actually wanted, but because I was looking for someone else to tell me what to do and I suppose in the end I didn’t really want advice. I wanted to want advice, if that makes sense, but in my heart I already knew what I wanted, which was to go and grieve for myself and support my children. Isn’t that what funerals are for? 

Like much of life, it can be whatever you want, you just need to figure out what you want. The lucky among us figure that out with enough time left to actually act on our wants and desires. 

My mom is going to the funeral with me. I asked her yesterday and at the risk of sounding shady and cold, she owes me. A person should not have to go to a funeral alone. In my life I’ve often felt that it was better to face grief in a solitary fashion—work out me feelings for myself, but I’ve learned over the years that this is backward thinking. I’m not too proud to admit I was wrong. People need people. 

I won’t get to sit with my children, of course, as they will be with their dad up front. I just hope they don’t make my son cut his hair for this. I have a feeling his dad might. 

Sometimes waiting for a funeral is like holding your breath and I’m really looking forward to it being over so I can exhale. 

I’d like to write more about all of this, but the words are just not there. Such is life. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie