2021-01-17 Reminiscing With My Daughter About My Daughter

Day 2 waking up with cringe-worthy cramps. But.. I’m not going to let it keep me down today. I can do better.

I have a little time to collect my thoughts and get my act together. Yesterday I may have “let go” and tried not to let my mood control the day. I may not have been a complete success but it wasn’t too bad either. 

I spent a lot of time with my daughter and though we didn’t find what we were after, we had some great talks and she asked me about topics we’ve never discussed before which gave me the opportunity to tell a few stories. Chief among them was the story about my decision to have her and the journey I went on to make that happen. It’s one of my favorite stories to tell. Then of course she wanted to know about her brother which is a good one too.

After that, and running around town in a mask I was done for. We ended up at Target and I just hit a wall. We still needed to go to office max so she could look for packaging supplies, but went home after that. Much of what we were after are items for her new business. I’m impressed by her focus and determination when she has her mind set on something. And I want to encourage that spirit, so I’m being as supportive as I can. 

What started our conversation was just that. She’s 18, almost 19 and heading into semester #2 of her freshman year at college. I think about this sometimes. How when i was her age, I had just met her dad and also working through a 2 year program at community college. I talked about how farther along she is with knowing herself and what she wants from life. At her age I was clueless. 

Getting engaged, married, and moving to Vegas we’re not on any life plan. I had no life plan. I was just cruising, you know, doing the next thing. I have regrets for all that aimless wandering, but I don’t regret getting married. I was in love and it got me away from my family which is what I desperately needed. Of course that led to having two beautiful babies. Would not change that for the world. 

That’s how the stories began yesterday, with the events that led to her dad and I becoming more serious instead of just hanging out as friends. And then to the circumstances that brought her and her brother into my life.

All that reminiscing might have contributed to my exhaustion. I also haven’t been out much lately and was really shocked to see all the people everywhere. It’s as if there’s no pandemic and thousands of people aren’t dying every day. I think deep down I was kind of sickened by it and also that I was among them. After a few hours I was ready to go back into my hiding place. 

And so we did. 

We watched movies and ate leftovers and I was, you guessed it, in bed by 10. 

It’s Sunday today and I’m ready for the weekend to be over and get back to business. Ready to let go of letting go and start kicking ass again. The best part of Sunday is making my to-do list for the coming week. So much hope, and promise, and so much to accomplish. It’s the push and pull of thinking and not doing that causes me grief. 

Once I actually just start “doing” I feel better. That might be why last week I felt so good. I was making progress on several endeavors and that feels good. Tomorrow I’ll be back on that train and I’m ready. 

I think that’s it today. Cutting short again to get started with my day. 

Ready, Steady, Let’s Go, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-25 Merry Efffin Christmas

It’s a mood. It’s not necessarily a bad mood or a good mood. It’s just a mood. Christmas. Whatever.

Yesterday I kinda said efff it to stuff and did what I wanted. I had said previously that what would be good was a repeat of thanksgiving. Just us here at the house having fun. No obligations. And as the day rolled along yesterday I feel like we (or at least I) embraced that spirit. 

I opted to not drive to CB to visit with my dad. Bad daughter. Whatever. 

Instead I had too much coffee and junk food and drove my darling daughter to Qdoba for lunch and my son to target to buy his sister a gift (separate trips). Then in the late afternoon we came together and played a few games, and were successful keeping the losing rants to a minimum. My people are notorious for salty rage when losing at games. How do you teach children to be good sports at losing? Mysteries of the universe. 

Z won at Tsuro, which is a quick game that usually lasts less than 15 minutes. 

Then I kicked their butts at Qwirkle. It really came down to the last play. Z could have won but C put down a move that not only prevented her from running out of tiles first but also set me up for like an 11 point play on my last turn. That’s my boy!! 🤣

Anyway, sad to say that late in the day my brain sort of goes AWOL and I didn’t have a third brain game in me. I would have played UNO or something but C dipped too, wanting to get back to the video games. Z was grumpy about that and bored but what could I do? Another parenting conundrum. 

After that I hung about with Jim for the rest of a relaxing evening. We watched some YouTube and started a movie on Netflix, which we opted to put on pause to go to bed early and read. And yes, I really mean read. My mind goes AWOL about 7PM but my body also goes about 9pm. All I can do is lay in bed. And once I’m there I fall asleep in about 30 seconds. No lie. 

Last night I actually had to take care of Santa duty first. Yes my peeps still get stockings stuffed. And when I say my peeps I mean, the 4 kids (my two and Jim’s boys), 4 kittens (Doug, Kayla, Emma, and Gus), and Jim. That’s a mantle full!! 

At 10:30pm it’s a good thing that doesn’t take much effort. 

I had a pretty good sleep and feel refreshed and ready to take on this day. The days of excited children getting up at 6am to see what Santa brought are long gone. My people have been told that we’re converging in the living room again at 10am. That will be for opening gifts which will be followed by breakfast of cinnamon rolls and bacon and hash browns. Mmmmmm. And coffee for me. 

We have to be done with all that by the time my mom comes over at 1:30. Nice for her to drive here instead of expecting us to drive to CB. That should be a quick and socially distanced visit cuz my mom is not the most Covid-ly conscious person. She went to a steak house for dinner yesterday and I’m pretty sure she also has regular meetups with her pals. 

Yesterday on our way back from Qdoba I asked my daughter if it felt like Christmas. Of course she said no. Of course it doesn’t. But what I wanted to know from her perspective is why. 

She basically said that this has been such a strange year nothing has felt normal. She mentioned something she saw on Tiktok. A person posting a video from Easter with a caption “Anybody remember Easter?” All the comments were “no.” Yeah, that. 

It’s like the whole year got sucked into a swirling vortex of doom and nothing and our memories have all been wiped, like in Men In Black. 

Maybe it wasn’t Corona at all. Maybe aliens have finally descended on the planet and their big takeover move is to cause chaos enough that the human race self-implodes. Maybe Trump is playing for their team. He certainly doesn’t seem human to me.

Oooops. Did that political opinion slip out? Sorry not sorry. 

Anyway, so my goal today is to just have fun with my peeps and see where the day goes. It would be great if I can convince them to game some more. Maybe something more physical like ping-pong or I’ve hockey or shooting baskets. We’ll see. 

Time to get after it. 

Side note before calling it: My hair is getting really long, I’ve been noticing. It makes me want to write a post about all the things that were impacted by the new normal. Perhaps All the things that the pandemic made better. Yeah, that might be a good pre-NYE post. Thoughts? 

Peace, Love, and Peppermint Schnapps, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-20 Stand in the Mirror and Wait for Feedback

Sunday again. Lacking sleep again. Still working on that lecture. On and on. 

I’m trying not to freak out. You know, but there’s so much to do. Res. GLR. Christmas. Bills. You know I’ve got bills that are like 60 days past due and I can’t even begin. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something must be. It must. 

Creature comfort make it painless. 

At least today I don’t have a hangover. Today it’s just cramps which in some ways brings welcome relief to the emotional roller coaster I sometimes live for about a week before my period with regard to my emotions. 

It’s just past 8am and I’ve just had my caffeine. I’m just now on the treadmill but have been awake off and on for like 100 hours. 

Somewhere around 5am I switched from reading about Adrienne Rich to Diane di Prima. The quintessential example of a poet embracing experience and freedom when it comes to both poetry and life. 

I’m almost wrapped with the research on this lecture. And I’ve probably got twice what I need for talking for 40 minutes. I’ll be polishing tomorrow while Jim is at work and then I’ll know for sure how much overage there is. 

Did I mention Christmas is in 5 days??!! Thankfully the family gatherings and gift exchanges are at a minimum. Thanks Covid. If I had my way it would be a repeat of Thanksgiving. 

Good food and just us. But.. being the good daughter that I am I’m going to CB Christmas Eve to visit with my dad and having my mom over Christmas Day. Part of me has wondered when it will feel ok to have them both over at the same time. So many levels of questions there. Least of which is the side-eye I’m certain I would get from my siblings. But whatever. 

It’s not like they make much effort. We were just not raised that way. 

Anyway. So I’ve got presents to wrap today and work to do on the GLR. 

Incidentally my newest side-gig is teaching my kitten Gus Gus to walk on the treadmill. Any day now he’ll be good enough that I can try getting some video footage. Then I’ll be making bank when the Instagram account I created for my cats blows up! I’ll put them on tic tok too or whatever the latest craze is the teenagers are wasting their time with these days. 

Every damn time I think about my distaste for the technological age, I feel old. I mean like seriously. I’m THAT person saying “back in my day we didn’t have no internet. We had to keep ourselves entertained. We rode bikes and explored the outdoors.” 

Yeah, and then a bunch of kids got abducted and that was the end of that. My poor little sisters, caught between the end of the latch-key era and before the advent of the internet. Stuck being raised by endless hours of mindless television. 

To be fair, I was a TV junkie too, more later though like in my twenties. 

Yeah. Any day now these cats are going to make me famous. 

The other night I created a new Instagram account for my cats. I had been drinking so the details are fuzzy but at one point my daughter takes the phone from me and just “fixes” everything. She declared that I didn’t know what I was doing. Said the username I picked was boring. Changed it to “kittens_shenanigans” and then we talked about hash tags. Yeah, I really have no business in that business but with her help, we can do it. 

The thing that makes me bad at social media (besides the constant resistance) is that I just don’t give a fuck. I just don’t. 

Post or don’t post. Tweet or retweet. Share, like, lick, suck, fuck… I DONT CARE!! 

There. I said it. So what? Perhaps I’m channeling Diane di Prima from the great beyond. 

It’s all just funny money anyway. Like titles. Tiny little boxes. Tiktok, ticky tacky. Little boxes on the hillside. Little boxes all the same. 

It reminds me of that theme song from the show “Weeds.” That was a good show. 

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes made of ticky tacky

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes all the same.

There’s a green one and a pink one 

And a blue one and a yellow one,

And they’re all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

And the beat goes on, you know. But instead of little boxes were like zombies inside our little houses exploring the world with even smaller boxes in front of our faces, with all our creature comforts an arms reach from our couches and poorly lit desks and beds. 

Where’s the spirit of adventure? How do you teach that? You can’t just talk about it. You have to teach by doing, by example, and sometimes with a healthy dose of tough love. 

As it is with poetry, show, don’t tell. 

That’s enough wandering today I think. Gotta go get dressed to run errands. 

Peace and Love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-06 Catharsis

Writing, sharing, and letting go. Yesterday was good and necessary. The Funeral service was good. Strange to see so many people gathered together in close quarters. Strange to see so many people but not recognize them for the masks shielding their faces and emotions.

Jim called the funeral home which was in Iowa to ask what their policies were during this time. The answer was a very rehearsed statement about following the guidelines established by the state. Iowa has been notoriously loosie-goosie this year and so the guideline is the same.

No cap on max capacity as long as people wear masks (and the ceremony is religious in nature). Which it wasn’t. That’s not the kind of family we are. But that doesn’t mean we dont all have our own personal faith and spirituality.

In jest I almost added a “praise Jesus” at the end of the eulogy I’d prepared. I seriously thought about it. Like “here you go Iowa, here’s a line so we satisfy for your requirements.” But I didn’t. It wasn’t right for the moment. Plus, what are they gonna do anyway?! Bust in to these services and police the way people want to grieve? No, I don’t think so.

People need people and people need catharsis. I certainly did. When it was all over, the kids and I got in the car and drove home. As I drove I felt the weight I had been feeling all week begin to dissipate. It was good.

By the time we arrived home I was ready for food. I swear I haven’t had a good solid meal for several days and my stomach has been off. I immediately reheated some frozen pizza and popped open a new bottle of red wine. It was so good.

I ate the two slices and felt hunger so I reheated more leftovers. It was nice to eat and not feel nauseous. It was good to sit on the couch and sip wine and talk with Jim about the service, and my dad, and the family dynamic. Ironic that my brother and I were the ones to speak at the service.

30 years of being on the periphery has definitely taken a toll on me. In honesty I also started the feel the burden of strained relationships begin to lose its foothold on me as well. I’m hopeful I can now have more of a relationship with my dad. In good time I suppose.

After dinner my brother and his wife came over for a chat. It’s nice to be able to talk to them too without it being in a group setting. They are headed back to Colorado today.

As it turns out my youngest sister is now also in town now from CO for mom and her dad, who had a positive Covid test a few days ago. He’s actually doing ok so far and if that continues she’ll go back tomorrow or Tuesday. But she’s coming over to the house today. I haven’t seen her in many months so I’m looking forward to that.

Other than that it’s just Sunday. Just an ordinary Sunday. My kids are still sleeping, I’m walking on my treadmill, and will probably wrap and make breakfast soon. We’ll watch an episode of Rust Valley and I’ll pull my laptop out to see what I can do with the day. No shortage of things that need doing.

I’ve already scooped and fed all the other creatures here. I’ve still got dishes to do. Always with the dishes. Yeah, normal is good.

Time to stop walking and start doing.
Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-05 Stranger than Fiction

It’s 3:30am and I’m headed into what I hope is the last long day of a string of long days that has left me sleepless, and full of Negative emotion.

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t go across the river to CB and the plans I tried to make with my brother didn’t pan out because his time is always at a premium when he’s home. My mom took prescient but that’s ok because she’s been needing company and someone to talk to lately too.

Today we’re having what I can only guess will be a small gathering of friends and family at a funeral home in CB for services for my dads wife. My brother and I are the speakers. I’ve had plenty of time to prepare. I’m glad to have arrived at this day actually, because I feel there will be additional release when it’s over.

The whole thing is kind of sketch, you know, meeting in groups and Jim is still on the fence about going. I go back and forth about it but really think I’ll urge him today not to go. The risk is too high.

I’m not immune either but I’m going to try to be careful and distant.

My mom told me she wanted to go, to support us and not only is that a risk too but it’s also awkward. Sure my parents were married for 17 years but they have also not really been in any sort of contact beyond events for their kids and grandchildren for 30+ years.

It’s bizarre to have them both losing their spouses at the same time. My mom suffering slowly over a number of years and my dad hit suddenly with tragedy. Life is truly stranger than fiction. As a teenager and even into my 20s I had daydreams of my parent’s reconciling. I think that’s normal.

I wonder if my kids have that with me and their dad. I don’t think so. They were so young when we split they probably don’t remember what life was like before that. Nothing to daydream about I suppose.

I spoke to my ex yesterday. He offered to come to the service too, to support the kids. I told him it was not necessary and that I didn’t even want the kids to go really which is kind of a fib but I really don’t want him there or my mom or my youngest sister either who is now suddenly back in town too because of her dad.

Yeah, life is a total cluster right now. As if 2020 wasn’t bad enough. But it will be good to have her home for a while.

Ten months ago my siblings all came home to celebrate my marriage. That was in February just before the Covid hit the fan. I never could have imagined at that point how this year would go and of course, I never expected all this either.

I have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Covid, winter, heightened states of grief, isolation, sleeplessness. It will all be over at some point and longer, brighter, better days will return. That’s just the way of things. You know? That’s life.

It’s now 4am and I’ve already got 4.5k steps. It really doesn’t matter what I do right now, it feels like it could be 7 or 8am. Yesterday I worked on GLR stuff in the middle of the night and it actually made me feel better to make progress on something. That lit mag’s not going to run itself!

There’s more I could do this morning (there’s always more) but I think the exercise makes me feel good. If I run out of things to write about I’ve got a healthy pile of poems stacking up in my in-box and on my shelf. I’ve got a lecture to write. I’ve got a reading to prepare for. I’ve got Christmas ornaments to hang. The house got halfway decorated by last Monday and nothing has been done since. I think tomorrow will be the day for picking back up on that.

We’ll see.

I suppose that’s it for now.
Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-03 Two Fer One Thursday

Yesterday was another long day that moved faster than the normal speed of time. A late morning request led me back across the river to a floral shop in CB followed by a late lunch. Second day in a row inside a restaurant. Not sure how I feel about that.

I also picked up my son from school and it was the first time I’ve seen him in over two weeks. His quarantine is technically over but the Universe only knows what the real incubation period is for that damned virus.

The virus be damned, I need my people.

Tonight as I sat with my two babies In the kitchen while they ate the dinners cooked for them, I felt a wave of relief. And a rush of what I can only describe as happiness. They are home, safe and sound, as it should be. Poking each other’s buttons and pretending to be upset but then laughing out loud. As it should be.

Pretty soon they split off to their separate corners of the house. My son exits saying he’s got homework to do when we all know he’s going up to his room to play a video game. My daughter proceeds to show me her proposed class schedule for next semester, which she has in a document that includes all four years of classes planned out and color coded by category: ACE requirements, Electives, core major requirements, and emphasis classes. That’s MY girl.

Pretty soon she heads up to her room too and I’m alone in the kitchen again. And feel pretty good. I do the dishes and wipe down the counters. Jim is doing charting and I head back to the treadmill for more steps, but end up spending more time trying to coax Gus-Gus (our newest kitty) to step on the treadmill. He just might!
Now that would be a video that would go viral.

I went to bed early again hoping for a repeat performance of the 8 hours I had the night before. But no dice.

That was yesterday. Today is another strange beast. I had a record breaking 3 hours of sleep, waking up sometime in the one o’clock hour and never getting back to sleep.

Sometime in the 2 o’clock hour I went upstairs to my office. I had no intention of trying to sleep really. Futility has got me down, or up actually.

So there I am processing accepts and declines for GLR in the weee hours. Then I worked on what I’m going to say on Saturday. I took breaks to pet the various cats visiting me. I crept back to bed at 5:30 to wait for the 6am alarm. Might have fallen asleep then of course but there wasn’t time enough for that.

I was subsequently exhausted driving Cooper to school. He fell back asleep on the way and I was jealous. I was sure u could fall asleep when I got home. But no dice.

Messages with my step-sister led to the sorting, scanning, cropping, and sending of pictures for the slideshow at the funeral home Saturday.

Then some back and forth texting with other folks and also a phone call from my mom. She was upset about the obituary that names my brother, sister, and I as “children” and not “step-children.” Good grief.

I explained things from a different perspective, which didn’t make her feel better as much as I think just telling someone. She’s suddenly alone too this year, and really feeling the weight of it pressing in on her. Gravity sets in .. this is life now, and it’s a big adjustment.

There’s so much grief around me right now and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. That’s why moments of normalcy like I had last night with my kids are so important. My peace, my center, my hope.

I tried to lay back down at 10am. Still no dice.

Now I’m on the treadmill because what else am I gonna do with myself. I mean, chores and GLR stuff and more decorating are waiting for me. Yeah.. I’ve got stuff to do but somehow what I’m doing right this minute seems more important. My therapy.

Yesterday I had 24,154 steps. Yes. That’s twenty-four thousand, one hundred, fifty-four steps. Guess I need a lot of therapy.

My brother is driving across Nebraska today with his little nuclear family. They are staying in a hotel despite several offers from folks to stay at houses. We’re having them over Friday. I’m not sure how they intend to split time amongst all the people who will want to see them. I know our mom needs to see them. Hopefully they plan to visit with her.

Welp. I’ve only been walking for about half an hour (this time), but don’t have much else to write. Prolly task switch and continue working on the reading.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-27 Save Room for Pie 🥧

Lots of folks lament about not being able to spend time with family for the holiday, or maybe lament isn’t the right word. We’re past lamenting and have arrived at heavy sigh. Truth is, though, I’m grateful for not having to go to some family gathering. I’m sure I’m not alone in that sentiment.

How many people don’t care for that tradition? The big family get together or have people they would prefer not seeing or talking to. I’ve felt like an unwanted red-headed step child plenty in my life. All that’s quite literal. My sister, who also has red hair agrees with me. We’re just a couple of nugatory side dishes at a table over full of mains.

I had dinner for 4 ready at 4pm and the only thing that was missing was my son who is still in quarantine at his dads house. They are all doing fine.

Dinner at 4 and continuing my quest to throw my hands up in the air like I just don’t care, I had the first glass of the bottle of wine I would finish off by about 9pm.

Dinner at 4 with 4 traditional dishes—turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing (2 kinds!), and dinner rolls. Yeah, a very neat meat and potatoes sort of a meal. It was delicious!

Dinner at 4 with 2 of our 4 kids. We kept Z and N at the table long enough to force that moment where we pin them down about what they are grateful for. Of our 4 children, those are the two that could most use a lesson about gratitude. We pinned them with the spotlight until they each came out with about 3 things. This is a thing parents do, and then we reinforced the message by talking about what we are grateful for too. We all said family. And that’s Good.

Dinner at 4 and then we let them go. The moment we could see them both peeking at their phones under the table was when we knew we could not hold them in the dining room any longer. I had had two glasses of wine by that time and said “fine.. just go.”

Dinner at 4 before we 2 retreated to our master bedroom, to slip between our sheets for dessert. Which was also delicious. Upon finishing I begin to daydream about this perfect new post Thanksgiving dinner tradition. You can have your football games and card playing and pie. And I’ll have mine.

Dinner at 4 quickly forgotten as we wind our time from the bedroom, to the the dollhouse, solarium, and finally arrive at the theatre to watch previews for a while. We try to find something worthy of committing a few hours to. I’m 3 or 4 glasses under by this time and embody the true spirit of not giving a damn.

Dinner at 4 fading fast into the past as we abandon the chosen movie and opt for A Jeep Ride around the neighborhood. A first look at all the Christmas lights. I’m amazed at these displays. We make bets about which were hired jobs and which were DIY. Bets we’ll never collect because we’ll never know. Completing the Linden circuit, we return home to ours. Which is, of course, is DIY. We’ve done a fine job.

Dinner at 4 and some 6 hours later I peel off my pants and slip into bed again. This time for sleep. I have no idea what time it is and I gloriously still don’t care. I Kind of regret not having any pie and promise myself I’ll have some for breakfast in the morning.

It was a good dinner and a good day. Let’s do that again next year! Scratch that. Why wait?! Let’s do that again today but this time with Pie!! 🥧

Peace, Love, and Satisfaction,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-22 Flip to B Square

It’s been a good couple of days. I feel satisfied. I’m adding up my stats today, to report out to my accountability buddy how I did this week and it looks like a pretty “meh.” But still I feel ok. Ok is pretty good, you know, all things considered. 🤷‍♀️

I have to be kind to myself even when I haven’t made much progress on several fronts— healthy eating and sleep. And I have gone backwards on productivity, procrastinating things I should be doing. 🤷‍♀️

I thought I was making progress on sleep having three nights in a row with good numbers. Then I had three in a row that were rotten so I’m all like, whatever. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, whatever.

Yesterday we moved my darling daughter out of the dorm at UNL. She has not been there for like 3 weeks anyhow. All her classes are online and are officially over this week. One semester done. I’m really hoping for her sake that next year will be more normal. I already know next semester will be all online too and she’s not going to live on campus. It’s better this way, to just live here at home and keep making progress as this Pandemic plays out.

The one stat that seems to get better as the others waiver is my exercise. Lots of steps. 16553 average per day last week and that’s counting yesterday when I only had like 6K. And I enjoy walking but really seriously running out of things to write about. Somehow I cant just walk. I’ve gotta feel like I’m making more of the time somehow, because just walking and thinking makes me crazy after a while. I get so irritated being alone with my brain. If I’m writing, my thoughts slow down enough for me to type them.

I’ve never had that thought before. That I like writing and walking at the same time cuz it forces my brain to slow down. 🤔

Anyway, I’m laying in bed this morning and contemplating getting up and starting my day and getting down to the treadmill, but dreading this. Yes, THIS, what I’m doing right now. Going around like the same broken record about stats and life and the stupid pandemic for the gazillionth time.

Then I think about the fact that new poetry books and lit mags are now showing up at my door quite regularly. And with all this new content, there are endless things to read. It occurs to me that I could read instead of write. So that’s it. That’s the flip that’s happening this week.

When I thought about this “flip” I wrote the title “flip to be square,” because it seemed so familiar. Where have I heard that? So I googled it. One slight tweak and you have “hip to be square” that is a song by Hewey Lewis and the News. Yeah, I’m old enough to remember that song.

I clicked on the video and watched for like 60 seconds, which is all I could take. So terrible. There is very little I find redeemable about the 80’s. This song (and video) are no exception.

I digress.

Today I’m going to dive into the latest book I received in the mail. A book published by “High Shelf Press.” They rejected my poetry but I got a copy of one of their issues out of the deal. That’s how some of these presses operate.

Part of you submission fee includes a subscription or book selection. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount on submissions this year and it’s nice to get something out of the deal. Hopefully it’s good stuff.

In any case, I’m really hoping this “flip” leads to more interesting posts. Or better yet, inspiration to write which has sadly been in short supply lately. We shall see.

That’s it for now. Time to flip!

Cheers to Being Square,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-19 And Just Like Snap…

Nothing like getting news that wrecks the day. That was 1pm yesterday. I ignored a call from my ex-husband in the AM. One call gets dismissed automatically, because of conditioned behavior. I’ve learned that whatever that first call is, wait, and it could resolve itself, or simmer down, or be a possible a mistake/butt dial or something. A text that follows means it’s more urgent, but still don’t dial back.

I’m not playing games. I’m just hip to the way he operates. I forgot about the text and call, finished my errands, and made it back home. The phone rings again. A second ring, so soon after the first? This could be something important. I answer.

He makes quick work telling me his fiancé has tested positive. Within about two seconds I connect the dots and realize that means my son, who went to their house Monday (And is still there) has been exposed. Two more seconds and I arrived at the fact that he now can’t come home, or go to school. In less than five seconds flat I’ve processed the primary implications.

Still, I only talked with Brian a few more minutes and then told him I needed to process and that I’d call him back. Adding that I Hope Jessie feels better soon and isn’t hit to hard.

My ex thinks I’m immune to Covid because I have O+ blood. His fiancé’s daughter who tested negative is also O+. He is A- and therefore the most susceptible blood type. Naturally he assumes he will get it next. He claims to have read medical journals that validate his statements. But he’s also been known to spin yarn before so I just have to get off the phone any way I can.

I called the school and they excused my son to leave right away and calked back after they talked to the “infected household” to let me know the duration. A standard 14 days unless he shows symptoms and also ends up testing positive. Then they reevaluate.

The good news is that there is no school next week anyhow so the missed coursework will be minimal. The bad news is that he’s already behind and catching up from home is a challenge. It’s why last semester of last year was such a disaster.

I sure hope they have the common sense to keep distanced at that house. They should be doing every thing they can to keep him from getting exposed. But alas, this is all out of my control.

And like I said, while in quarantine I don’t get to see him either so that’s a serous bummer. I can try to face time everyday or something. That’s what I will do.

Deep breaths. Not the worst news, but it does kind of derail me and my trains of thought and break the streak I was having with regard to good sleep.

Yeah. The maker of dreams served up doozie after doozie last night and when I woke up just after 5, it was clear that my subconscious had had enough. I was wide awake.

I don’t remember much but I was at a wedding with a bunch of my original crew and sat the entire reception, which was at a Mexican restaurant, looking at the menu without being able to decide what I wanted. As everyone around me ate and drank and talked and laughed, I combed the menu trying to decide. I remember I had a drink and when the bill came, Amy and Mike told me they put my drink on their bill since that was all I had. How nice.

There were slivers if other moments that seem familiar or were connected somehow: me in a wedding dress, people helping me with getting the other dress I was wearing clean, which I laughed at saying that they should not go to any trouble as the dress only cost me like 3 dollars in the first place.

But all of that slipped away as real life took control of my brain. Funny the way that is.

Right now it’s early. 6am and today promises to be an odd duck.

It’s going to be above 70 degrees and I’ve got big plans to put up more lights outside if I can get my act together. I’m also going to be oddly tethered to my cell service after 8am as we’re supposed to have folks coming to measure to replace some carpet. There are certain places in my house I don’t get cell service and I don’t want to miss their “We’re on our way” call.

I also have a GLR meeting at 10:30. Not really looking forward to that. Whatever. Meh.

As long as I can keep scooting my way to Friday which promises a meetup, with Coffee and maybe a muffin and a walk. It’s the Sam all things yo.

With that, it is our early day and so it’s time to cook breakfast. The day unfolds whether we like it or not.

Doing it,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-16 The Distance is Taking a Toll

I can’t reach my oxygen mask. Blurry, I stretch toward yellow and white plastic dangling near me. But its A rotten banana peel hanging from an empty Wal-Mart sack. It turns brown as the tips of my fingers poke at it, trying to get a grip.

I read a poem about a boy revered by his friends for what he’s able to lift into his pockets from The Market Spot. The progression of their lives as it transforms into a familiar stereotype. It moves me. Two inches to the left, but still I can’t reach the banana.

People around me crumble. But I’m mid-crumble too. my empathy is a tee-shirt worn Thin, full of holes. If I wash, rinse, and repeat one more earth forsaken day, it will be reduced to a limp dust rag.

a basket of these rags grows in the laundry. If only I had energy to find the lemon Pledge. I could restore this palace to former glory. Right at least one wrong as the world outside our door continues its self-decimation.

I notice a red triangle warning printed on the plastic, but I can’t read it. I must be dreaming. I ask my partner if we have enough bullets for our gun. We might need to defend these bananas soon.

A tiny little prose poem to introduce myself to Monday. Monday which starts with email responses from my sons math and English teachers letting me know they did not receive the assignments he assured me had been turned in last week. Have you ever tried to hard to trust someone again and again with no evidence to support that trust? That’s what being a parent feels like sometimes.
How often have I conveniently forgotten what’s happened two weeks ago and last year with hope that this week or year will be different? Too often. He needs help.

On the other hand my daughter is 95% ready for her second day at a new job. And comes down stairs, looking pale, and hunched over. She’s reports nausea, headache, and fever-ish chills.

I call her in sick. I take her temp, give her some Tylenol and water, and rub her back on the couch for a few minutes. Nobody took care of me like that when I was 18. As I sit there I wonder if she knows how fortunate she is.

After the phone call I let her know it’s ok and tell her to go back to bed. Could this be covid? It’s extremely unlikely. She practically lives in her bedroom. She hasn’t gone to campus at UNL in a A few weeks and the only thing she leaves the house for is fast food. Her first day at work was last Tuesday. Today was supposed to be day 2, but that’s not gonna happen.

She didn’t have a fever. She’ll be fine.

When I was her age I started to get bad migraines. I wonder if that’s it, but don’t want to project too much. She had a flu shot, but that does not always prevent the flu.

I asked Jim last night if he was feeling up for a deeper conversation. He said not really. Honestly I wasn’t either. I was exhausted. I told him the pandemic is getting to me. He said he could tell. I told him it was 5 days until my period. He asked if that meant I thought this mood could also be due to PMS.

I said yes. It’s all connected.

I literally spent the entire weekend cleaning, doing chores, taking care of other people, etc. I think about the fact that people need breaks. This is why employers offer vacations. I didn’t get to go to Austin this month. I don’t get a break here, ever. I daydream about running away for a few days, alone.

No kids. No Jim. No dishes. No laundry.

All my vacations are now trips to the Wal-Mart Market. See that nice man at the entrance who always nods at me and sometimes asks how I’m doing. He’s wearing a mask, but I can tell sometimes he’s smiling, Sometimes he’s not. Sometimes I want to stop and have a conversation but I don’t.

We’re all connected. A consciousness that’s barely breathing, holding on from 6 feet away.

So cheery today.
Good gravy,
~Miss SugarCookie