2021-03-26 The light at the end of the tunnel…

My mom is being discharged from the hospital today. Who gets to deal with getting her home, grocery shopping, fetching a walker, and staying with her at her home to make sure she’s ok and not at risk for falling down or ripping her stitches, ostomy, or drain tubes? 

That would be yours truly. 

She’s been in the hospital for two weeks which means I’ve been to the hospital every day for two weeks. It’s just draining. 

Jim asked me this morning if it felt good to know she’s getting out today. I’m not feeling good. I’m feeling like this is “out of the frying pan and into the fire.” 

Now.. instead of having an entire care team handling her every need and want, it’s up to my siblings and I. And I get the first shift. I pushed for this to happen today because I selfishly need her settled in at home today so that by tomorrow at about 3, I can cut and run away. I’ve had special Friday plans for this Friday night for a while. 

I’m really hoping that by this time tomorrow, we’re getting ready to switch shifts and my sister is embracing the tasks at hand. 

After all, I’ve had two weeks head start seeing moms pain and struggles and a week to get used to the reality of drainage tubes and wound care and an ostomy bag. I’m squeamish for sure but am convinced that anyone can get used to anything if they don’t have other options. 

Of course I still have that nagging voice in the back of my head about all this. The one that’s irritated because the responsibility falls on me (or a few of us). It’s selfish thinking but the Universe be damned, I never got this much care from my mother ever. 

It’s selfish thinking but she wouldn’t do all this for me if the situation were reversed. She said that. She knows it. She talked yesterday about her relationship with her mom and they weren’t close. She was just her mom and nothing more. Oh yeah, that’s familiar. So let’s just blame grandma while we’re at it for all the ways I was neglected. Because my mom was never taught any different. 

I’d buy that more if people were incapable of growing or changing outside of what they were taught at 10 years old. I’m not buying it because I, myself was able to break out of that “arms length” parenting mentality and have great relationships with my kids. We’re open and honest and I make sure all the time they feel loved and supported and like they are my priority. 

The way I feel about my mom is selfish and I know I can still grow and change beyond it, but the past will never change and I’ll always harbor resentment about being the “easiest” kid. I’ll always have that nagging voice that reminds me that my mom will never change so why should I?! 

It would all be easier if I knew there was a light at the end of this tunnel. But the only light at the end of the tunnel is the one that will eventually come for us all, and take us away to alternate plains of existence. The one that will supposedly judge us for our choices or admit us to a better or worse place. I don’t believe in any of that, but the light seems like the best way to describe the force that will greet us when our physical bodies give out. 

My mom has stage 3C ovarian cancer and the prognosis isn’t stellar, to say the least. She’s up against who knows how many rounds of chemo and multiple future surgeries. She wants to fight right now but if this first course of treatment and surgery doesn’t “fix her right up“ then she’ll prolly call it quits.

I don’t have extraordinary knowledge. I don’t have a crystal ball. Sometimes, I don’t even have a desire to know more than I know right now. Today.

And what I know right now, today Is that I have to get on with doing all the things and all the stuff. Or it won’t all get done before duty calls.

With peace and love and hopefully cheeseburgers and vodka lemonade… or

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-14 Designated Daughter

The saying “Hurry up and wait” is often attributed to the military but I think is also quite appropriate for the hospitals and medical care. Nothing like waiting around all day for something to happen or change and being disappointed because nothing happens. And why is it that the waiting and nothing is also somehow exhausting? It makes no sense. 

My mom has a tube up her nose and down her throat and she was sure that when the doc (finally) came in yesterday in the late afternoon she was going to get them to take it out. Of course the opposite happened. He basically told her it was a slow process and would take upwards of 72 more hours to see real progress to help her predicament. 

Her predicament becoming more complicated every damn day. Her predicament being cancerous tumors lining her abdomen, a partial bowel obstruction, and now a large amount of fluid building up around her lower abdomen. 

The doc showed us a comparison of the cat scans last night, and the changes that have developed in just a few short days. Of course the build up of fluid is going to make her obstruction more difficult to resolve. I have to imagine all that pressure is making it worse. 

I’ve had limited exposure to medical complications in my life. I’ve never witnessed some of this. And let me tell you it’s pretty gross to think about a tube sucking the contents of your GI track out through the nose. It’s disgusting and smells horrible, but it’s the most non-invasive way to clear a person out (when the opposite end is not working). 

I think they are going to try to drain some fluid out of her today. It’s strange for me to say I will know more when my husband wakes up. He knows the surgical oncologist that’s in charge of my mom’s care at the Med Center. From Med school I think or maybe early in their respective careers. They talked on the phone last night but it was too close to the time I was just out of it. 

Out of it meaning that my unexplained exhaustion plus having a big meal when I arrived home (with a glass of wine), had lulled me into a sleepy state around 9:30pm. They talked as I was taking my tired brain to bed. If Jim gave me an update after that call, I don’t remember it. Right now I wish I did. I wish I knew what last night’s CT showed and what the plan for today is. 

It’s still pretty early and I’m dreading going back to the hospital. I was awake at 4:30ish and up by 6am. My mom texted before 7 and I’m currently on the treadmill (of course). 

*** 

I think my mom has a high pain threshold but very low tolerance for extended discomfort. When my grandma (her mom) passed away she pretty much said she didn’t want to “go out like that.” Withering away in a hospital bed, losing control of physical capabilities and her marbles. I get it, but what else can you do? 

After the consult yesterday and seeing the CT on the screen, she became convinced that this was it. It was just enough evidence to solidify the fact that treating all of her issues was not only going to continue to be unpleasant (to say the least) but it was also not going to end anytime soon. 

Even if the obstruction is resolved in the next 5 days (with or without surgical intervention), she’ll be facing 6 months of chemo and eventual surgery in her abdomen. After the doctor left the room she pretty much told me she was done. Like “done done” and ready to check out of this life. What the Universe am I supposed to do with that? 

And why me? 

When my grandma passed, my mom made me promise that when the time came, I would help her out. But this is different. She’s otherwise healthy and enjoys life. She has a lot of friends and enjoys her book club and her dog and bird and going on trips. She can still do all that stuff when she gets better but she doesn’t see it that way.

She said she’s satisfied with the life she’s lived and has made peace with herself about all the bad things she’s done in her life. She’s also recently found a new belief in God. This was news to me. She’s been an atheist for as long as I can remember. 

It’s really challenging to talk a person through treatments and expectations when they don’t want any of it. So now I’m not just the designated visitor.. I’m the one responsible for convincing her it’s worth it to go through all this shit so she can feel better and keep living her life. 

I mean, I know what I promised her years ago but that was all hypothetical. What am I supposed to do? 

Again I ask.. why me? 

We’ve never been close. She’s so much closer to her youngest daughter and their mother/daughter experience was much better and more supportive than ours ever was. 

Growing up my mom was always so preoccupied with the other parts of her life and never had time for me. I was a very lonely kid. My parents were divorced and I lived with my mom but my primary role was babysitter. I had two younger sisters—8 and 16 years younger than me. I was an “easy” kid who was quiet and got good grades so easily never the priority. It sounds terrible but I feel like I never had the love and help and support I craved.

I left home at 18.. or rather I was kicked out because my mom chose to side with her husband in an ongoing conflict between him and I.

I moved in with my dad but that didn’t last long as I got married and escaped my situation completely when I was 19.

After I left home, I never looked back. And never had support from either of my parents in anything I went through as an adult. Yes, they showed up to celebrate holidays and birthdays but that’s about it. 

So why is it that I’m now in charge of both of them? 

I clearly have a chip on my shoulder. Good gravy!! 🙄

Jim says I have to be the person because I’m a good person and it’s the right thing to do. So after a lifetime of my parents doing the wrong things I have to suck it up and do the right things??!! 

Whatever. 

It’s now 8am and I’ve got 10K steps and should probably just quit lamenting.

Peace out, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-05 Prepping for a Celebratory Weekend 🎁🎉🎂🎉❤️

It was a good run.. a 33 day streak of posting to this blog. And the day before yesterday I was gonna lose my step streak and declared “no way in hell I’m losing my blogging streak.” Guess I forgot to knock on some wood and the Universe said “that’s ehat you think.”

What DID I do all day yesterday? I really don’t know. And it really doesn’t matter. Whatever. I guess all I can do is say “today is a good day to start again.” So here I am. 

I booked myself for two exercise classes today and then one of my new aquatintences from class is coming over for tea. I’m also scrambling to prepare for my darling daughters bday which is Sunday. She’ll be 19. 😱 No way!! 

Yes way. 

Tonight is the night we’re going out to dinner and then Sunday on her actual birthday we’ve booked an escape room. It’s kind of a birthday tradition for her to gather her closest friends to do these puzzle rooms. Last year we could not because the COVID was emerging as a real problem (and not just some ailment affecting “other” countries) and Jim said it was not a good idea. 

That would be the first of a long string of events my daughter would sacrifice to the pandemic. It took her senior “lock in,” senior prom, graduation, graduation celebration, the trip and concert we had planned in the summer, and many experiences she should have had as a freshman in college. 

Needless to say.. the pandemic has been a greedy bastard and she deserves some fun and happiness. 50% of our planned escapee party has been vaccinated and the other half are teenagers. I might be trying hard to justify this little excursion and make myself feel better about it but truly my son goes to school every damn day with hundreds of other teenagers wearing masks and has been since last August so as long as we mask up, I think it’s going to be ok. 

Despite all the disappointment this past year, my darling daughter is doing good. She’s working part time and going to school remotely/virtually this semester, living at home. She made the deans list in her first term and has now been officially accepted into her chosen program/major which is a BFA in Emerging Media Arts. I’m extremely proud of her and know that because of her passion and dedication (and stubbornness) she’ll be successful whatever she decides to do with her life. 

If I sound like a proud mama, it’s because I am! And I just want to celebrate her and so I’m going to make this weekend as special as I can. It starts with dinner out tonight. 

As for the rest of my day today.. lots to do. Never an end to the things that need doing. No rest for the wicked. It starts now. 

Hopefully this post will be the first of many in a row, but there’s really no way to predict what kind of wrench the Universe will throw next.

Happy Friday Ya’ll,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-21 Sunday Status Funny Money 🐹

It’s Sunday and I’m checking my stats. How did I do meeting my goals? 

For sleep I achieved my goal 6 of 7 nights. 

Healthy eating.. 4 of 7. 

Mood.. 4 of 7.

Meditation.. 2 of 7. 

Exercise.. 6 of 7. 

Most of this looks good but feels a bit like funny money. Like you know how you get paid every two weeks for doing a job and the money is electronically deposited in your bank account and then some other company comes along and takes that coin back out for things like rent, electricity, insurance. It’s like a magic trick. One minute the numbers are there and the next.. Poof.. gone.. It happens automagically. You never actually see the cash, hold it, count it. That’s funny money.

Kinda makes a person feel like a hamster in a wheel. You know, in that metaphor what gives the hamster quality of life? Stopping to eat. Stopping to wee (or woo). And getting pulled out of the cage by the giant 6 year old who lets her run around the bedroom floor for a while. Perhaps getting a lettuce or carrot on these tiny adventures and of course weeing and wooing on the purple rug is the BEST! 

What does this metaphor teach us about life? That we need to maximize our time off the wheel. Cuz pretty soon now, that tiny little pumping heart can’t take anymore and the hamster dies. Poof!.. Just like that. 

I check my stats regularly. I set goals for my self. I’m constantly evaluating myself and my health. I gave up my old hamster wheel last year but I’m still on this one.

My New Years résolution this year was to do less instead of more. To be kind to myself and more forgiving. To meet that end, I backed off on my daily goals. But here we are nearing the end of February and I’m questioning the validity of all this. Like money in the bank, it all becomes numbers and checkmarks on a page. I add them up but they don’t amount to much.

So I backed off on my sleep goal and the result this week is a 6 of 7 instead of 4 of 7. So what? I still feel the same. I still have the same energy issues each day. I don’t get more restful sleep just because I back off on my goal. It just makes me feel better about how I’m doing. But it’s a magic trick. An illusion. 

It’s the same with the other stats. I have my daily step goal, which I reduced from 12k to 10k as a part of my resolution. So today’s calculated 6 of 7 would have been 4 of 7 instead. So what. It doesn’t change anything. And the other measurements are just as suspect. 

I took away “productivity” and replaced it with “mood” and I added one for meditation. Mood is subjective as there are no numbers and this feels more legit. Of all the stats I’m tracking, it feels the most genuine and important. I think that’s because that’s the real goal. To FEEL better. To FEEL healthier. To FEEL like I’m getting the most out of every day. 

Tangentially related is the brain child idea I had this week about inviting 2006 to 2021 and living life for a week the same way I was back then.

No smart phone. No social media. No googling everything or relying on the internet so much. It crossed my mind that 2006 was pre-FitBit too and before I tracked my stats so vigorously. 

It also predates any regular daily writing so my mind is really foggy with how life really was. It might be an interesting exercise to try and mentally recreate a day in the life of Miss SugarCookie in 2006. The first step of course is removing all those things I just mentioned. 

This means (if I go through with it) that I’ll not be keeping stats for as long as the experiment persists. And won’t be mentally tethered to my phone.

Tangentialy related is also the argument I had with my darling daughter last night because I did not have my phone with me when she texted the specifics of what she wanted to eat. I cooked the wrong thing and she refused to eat it and it was so ridiculous. I got so so so angry that she was acting spoiled and ungrateful and she just didn’t get it. Jim said I just needed to make the other thing and remember that she’s sick (one day post vaccine shot and running a fever and in bed all day). So I did. And she didn’t even thank me. Whatever. 

My point is that the people that will be the most affected by this little experiment of mine are those who “expect” things from me or are used to communicating via text. Nobody on FB will miss me because I’m not really on FB anyway. Same for twitter. And since I don’t have a 9 to 5 anymore, there’s nobody who is going to miss me not getting back to them ASAP there.

So today is my day of preparation. Thinking about what it is really going to look like when I pull the trigger on this test. Rolling back to 2006.

Why 2006?

I had to draw a line somewhere, you know, and thinking about what things add value to my life, like that hamster with their brief breaks from the wheel. Eating adds value and so does sleep. It is not a basic need in the pure sense of the word but music is pretty much essential for my daily existence.

If I’m giving up my phone for a week, then I need some other way to get my tunes. I don’t have a working CD player so my original iPod will have to do. I actually looked up the model number and it’s circa 2006. So that’s why. 

No Bluetooth of course so I’ll have to find a wired set of headphones or earbuds. I know I have some somewhere, just have to find them. That part will be easy compared to making my people understand that if they want something from me, they need to ask me in person. How novel. People living in the same house sitting down face to face. 

I think my treadmill time today is past being up. I’m secretly hoping people stay asleep a while longer so I can get more time to myself. We’ll see. 

Next stop.. 2006 and scrapping the stats!

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-20 Why I’m Doubling Down Today

Yesterday, just as I was developing the inspiration to write about all the sexcapaids I’ve had in my life, life interjected and shut that down. 

Here’s how the conversation went (paraphrasing of course)…

Life:  “Here.. read this and get angry” (hands me an email).

Me: 😬😬😬 (deep breath). “No! Not today life. I’m not letting this shit get to me today. I’ve got other plans.” 

Life: “Ok then. Let’s just see about that.” 

Me: “I’m gonna write a poem instead.” 

Life: “Haha. That’s funny.” 

Me: “Whatever. Give me my trigger.” 

Life: (snickers) “Sure thing boss. Today’s topic is sex. Ha!!” 

(Life knows I’d rather poke my own eyes out than write a poem about sex.)

Me: “Challenge accepted!” I start to write about the sex poem but didn’t get very far before Life looked down at his wrist and tapped his watch. 

Life: “Times up. You’ve got to go.” 

Me: “Fuck. I was just getting started. No matter, I’ll finish later.” 

Life: “Fat chance.” 

Me: “Shut up. It’s Friday and I have all damn day.” 

Life: “That’s what you think.” 

Me: “Whatever Life. Go suck it.” 

Then I hurried out the door and drove to CB to visit my dad. Stopped at Little King to pick us up some sandwiches. While at my dad’s, we sat at the kitchen table, ate, and I listened to a few new stories. Turns out, by random chance my dad enrolled in college one week before receiving his draft notice, narrowly escaping being thrown into the war. His life could have gone very differently and if it had, I would not be here writing this. I digress. 

After that visit, I hurried home continuing to think on the topic of the day. At red lights I would open my phone and read where I left off and tried to think of what would be next. I had soooooo many thoughts. So many directions I could take the topic. But then the light would turn green and I had to go again. 

Arriving home it was immediately time to leave again. This time to take my darling daughter to get her second moderna shot. She missed her appointment in Iowa on Saturday because she was sick and so the only opportunity was this “open clinic” set up at a church here in Omaha for people needing the second shot. Open meaning no appointments. Open meaning a line of hundreds of people through the church, out the door, and down the block. And a cluster of parking a situation. 

She begged me to wait with her and of course I did. Did I mention this line was outside??!! Did I mention I hadn’t changed from my morning walk or that I wasn’t wearing a coat?! Did I mention it was only 20 degrees outside??! I must really love my daughter to freeze my ass off for 1.5 hours outside and 1 hour inside that church waiting with her. 

Every time she took her phone out to look at something I thought maybe I could write standing in line. I took my phone out of my pocket and then she’d look at me and ask “what are you doing? Talk to me.” Ok, fine. 

Three grueling and freezing hours later, we were done and headed to pick up my son. Arriving home (after securing some drive through dinner for them) I was frustrated and just wanted to sink into the couch. But not without some food and drink of my own. 

Enter stage left, R-Taco and homemade margs. One margarita, two margaritas, three and done. 

Somewhere in there I had the wherewithal to post all I had written in the morning… which was not much. 

As I pushed the “publish” button I heard a maniacal laugh and looked over my shoulder at Life. 

Life: “Told you so.”

Me: “Fine. You win….Today. But I’m doubling down on tomorrow.”

Life: (With a big smile) “Perfect!”

***

Doubling down for real! Life will NOT best me two days in a row. Nope!!

Today is the second day in a row I’ve spent time inside a church. Today I went to Saint Vincent de Paul Catholic Church. Cuz…. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. I’m talking about donating blood.

Today’s donation was a success as my hemoglobin came through at 13.0 (second finger stick as the first was 12.3 .. booo). I haven’t donated for over a year and it feels good to be able to do it again. Next one will be in April. Guess what else is in April? My next vacation.

I’m in charge of planning this time and it’s gonna be amazing. Don’t know where yet but that don’t matter. Wherever we go will be famous!!

Where was I going with this again? 

Oh yeah, doubling down on the day. It’s now past 5pm and I don’t even have a topic and I’ve wasted all my time writing about what happened yesterday. 

I went to a virtual workshop this morning which was all about sonnets and at the point where we had to free write is where I got stuck. None of the starters that were offered triggered anything in my brain and I ended up writing a few lines about Princess Diana and a quote of hers I heard once about chasing chicken around a plate. 

So rando, I know, but that’s how the brain works sometimes. Alas I could not produce any good lines from that, let alone an entire Sonnet so I’m still at square zero. 

Still. The day isn’t over yet. 

Life: (Tapping his watch again) “Clock is ticking.” 

That guy is really starting to get on my nerves. 

Later gaters, 🐊

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-19 The One that Wanted to be About Sex but Couldn’t Make it Past First Base…

I looked into the salty air thinking about my irritation over an email I just read and said to myself “it’s time to get serious.” 

Then I looked at myself in the mirror from the treadmill and said “NO!” I actually pointed at myself as I said, “NO! NOT THIS TIME.” I’m not going to let it get to me. 

No. It’s high time I take things less seriously. I’m not joking around about this. I’m…. wait for it…. 

Dead serious! 😜

Life keeps trying to drag me down with greedy little tentacles. Green tendrils with those innocent looking suckers that you pay no mind to until they adhere to the thin layers of your epidermis, and you realize they’ve no intention of letting go. 

No. Not this time! 

I’m digging through my pockets to pull out all my weapons. The claws are coming out now, and with them the sword I’ve been sharpening for a while now. This day and it’s down smash is no match to that of my Princess Peach. 

Where’s my crown? Somebody hand me my crown! 

I’ll not be a victim of your bullshit patriarchy or any preconceived notions about the definition of the word success. Your archaic constructions can’t touch me today. 

I’ve got my kickass gear shifter playlist fueling my adrenaline and my hair looks amazing today. I’ve got knives up all 8 of my sleeves and under the skirt of my ball gown too. I’ve been practicing my moves and if you try to touch my mood I will cut you! 

Ok. Now that that’s settled. Let’s get down to business. One of two ways for this to go from here. It’s either “Freak Flag Friday” or “First Draft a Friday.” 

Really torn about this and gonna make a quick trip to Paris to see if that tips the scales…. BRB

***

In Paris today I found “The Sisters of Sexual Treasure” by Sharon Olds. So that’s how it’s gonna be?! I’m not so inspired by this somewhat erotic poem that’s got a bit of a Freudian flip. I mean.. I could easily springboard off this 21 line expertly crafted piece of writing and compose my own revealing paragraph about how my experience leaving my mothers house at 18 (sans sisters) was the polar opposite of hers, but I don’t feel inclined to. 

I’m not keen writing about how I never learned anything about sex from my mother except what her orgasms sound like through the wall of the tiny house we lived in when I was a senior in high school. 

To this day I wonder if she was faking it. To this day I’m quite disturbed to have this memory and have oft blamed it for the sexual dysfunction I’ve suffered for so many years of my life. 

Now I’m a parent with a teenage son and daughter. I wonder if it’s fair to blame anything squarely and/or solely   on a parent. Still, in this case I think it is. 

I dare say I could write more about all of this but I don’t want to. Why Ms. Olds was compelled to write, let alone send her poem to the Paris Review to be published escapes me. I have to reason that she was comfortable in her own skin and that no topic was off limits. Not that sex is or should be off limits. On the contrary, it should definitely have a place in poetic discourse as it is a fundamental part of our common human existence. Just maybe not a part of my induvidual public canon. 

Perhaps I’m still somewhat bent and broken when it comes to sex. Mind you, bent and broken is different from being confused. I’ve experienced enough that all of my curiosities have been satisfied. I know myself. I am who I am, as always, a complicated compilation of all of my explorations and experiments.  

Anyhow… today… I have neither the time nor the inclination to continue this trail of thought. 

***

8 hours ago I was very fired up and ready to throw all my knives at the day. I might have even gotten a little farther on the topic of sex, if I had not been rudely interrupted by obligations and responsibilities. Chief among these were taking lunch to my dad and waiting 2 hours in line (outside in 20 degree temps) with my daughter so she could get her second dose of the vaccine. All of that put a damper on any freak-flag flying or first draft drafting. 

It’s been a good cage match but I’m tapping out. Gonna save my strength for tomorrow’s down smash. 

There’s always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-10 The Mirror I’m Looking at is Also a Revolving Door

I suppose I’ve been past due for another “In the Mirror” moment. By now, with the reliable repeat, I guess it’s always just a matter of time until it happens again. 

I’m talking about the moment I step on my treadmill and look at myself in the mirror (figuratively and literally as the treadmill faces a wall of mirrors). I’m somehow engrossed in thoughts about my reflection, preparing for another session of writing which often begins with evaluating my “stats” and sometimes stray thoughts about the way I look. 

I’m well on my way to thinking about the potential topics for the day. And then I check my email. Now I’m getting to it. The moment where I get some piece of news that knocks the wind out of me, derails my thoughts, and frankly makes me feel ashamed for my self-centered focus. 

Today I clicked on a Facebook notification from email which took me to a detailed and thoughtful post of a friend who was letting folks know about her child who has elected to identify as male instead of female. The family has been working through this for a while and their love and support of their child comes through loud and clear.

I’ve not been super close to this friend in the past few years but my heart goes out to her, her husband, their child, and family. It’s a testament of their love that their child felt safe enough to tell their parents. 

Part of her post was about legislation in Iowa that relates to rights of LQBTQ+ peoples, but mostly it was about their son and their journey thus far. Reading down through the post it just hit me in a way I can’t quite describe and I didn’t get very far before I was so emotionally overcome that I broke into tears. 

As a parent, I have had challenges, but not this challenge. Everyone’s journey in life is different (which is one of the things she said in her post). And though I’m disconnected from them and don’t quite know how to try and relate, the common thread is positive parenting. I’d say that I would support my children no matter what choices they make in life or what struggles they face. 

And I say “choice” but recognize that being transgender is not a choice. It’s a natural occurring discrepancy of self when the body a person is born into does not match who they are inside. Just like being gay is not a choice, it’s just who a person is. I believe that a person is born the way they are and each of us has unique circumstances to reconcile, some of which are tougher than others because of the expectations and “norms” dictated by society at large. 

The “choice” comes in how we face these reconciliations and fortunately for my friend, the world is a far more understanding place now than 60 years ago, or 30 years ago when we were growing up. And fortunately for her and her son, they are surrounded by good people who are supportive. 

I continued to feel overwhelmed with emotion as I read through the comments and outpouring of love from friends. I want to respond too, but need to find the right words. That is Part of what I’m thinking about now. 

***

It’s now several hours later and my experience from earlier this morning has calmed somewhat. I wanted to respond via Facebook and did. I keep thinking about it and still feel confused about why it made me cry. Then I remind myself it’s not about me. Then I feel bad for being self-centered. All of this is true. And as history repeats itself, the experience described in my poem, ‘In the Mirror’ echo again. 

It’s a poem that feels important to me yet I’ve lost confidence in the writing because it’s been rejected so many times. Is it too melodramatic? Is this post too melodramatic? 

Does the fact that this random Facebook post and my friends situation move me to tears make me too melodramatic? 

Again, it’s not about me so why am I making it about me?

See this revolving door here made of reflective glass, hitting me repeatedly in the ass? 

Despite the end rhyme, I’m not joking. All I have to offer are words. 

What else can I do? 

Hug your babies and make them feel safe. 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-08 Why Was I Looking Forward to Monday?

It’s Monday and I’ve got my plans. I’ve got every single day of my week loaded up with to-do items. As this day begins, I’m evaluating all of it and (as I start adding more that’s already beaming like neon sign with priority) I think to myself how much of a miracle it will be to get it all done. 

No matter. What gets done and what the real priorities are will work themselves out. 

I’m kind of uninspired this morning. Or perhaps my thoughts are too scattered to pick any one thing to write about. My attention is divided. Then divided again and before I know it, the math has resulted in such small digits, there’s no one thing that emerges as large enough to amount to anything. 

I check the weather. -2 here in Omaha

I check email. Nothing new in the last 10 minutes. And I think briefly about the weekly Red Cross email begging for my O positive. I think briefly about that almost daily CVS email ad. I think briefly about 14,337 “unread” emails in my inboxes and how I should do something about that (but know I wont).

I check my FitBit. Only 7.2k steps so far. Damn. 

I check my text messages. I think more about the latest thread with my friend M, reread my response, and worry about my choice of words. 

Then I think about the calendar date. February 8. Now that it’s no longer my ex-husbands birthday, the door is open again to communicate about our son who is failing English. Just yesterday he basically ignored the consequence of losing his computer privileges because of the grade. He snuck his PC (yes, the whole tower, and all peripherals including the monitor) into his sisters car. His plan was obviously to take it to his dads house and the plan was thwarted by his sister who saw it, called me, and ratted him out. Needless to say he went to his dads without it. 

I need to communicate with his teachers, IEP person, and his father. None of which was originally on my agenda today. But it’s the priority now. 

See, I just needed to write to figure that out. 

Despite the short post today, I have actually been walking for an hour. That’s a testament to how much thinking and not writing I’ve been doing. 

In any case. There’s no rest for the wicked and I need to get on with my day. 

Not the Monday I was Looking For, 
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-17 Reminiscing With My Daughter About My Daughter

Day 2 waking up with cringe-worthy cramps. But.. I’m not going to let it keep me down today. I can do better.

I have a little time to collect my thoughts and get my act together. Yesterday I may have “let go” and tried not to let my mood control the day. I may not have been a complete success but it wasn’t too bad either. 

I spent a lot of time with my daughter and though we didn’t find what we were after, we had some great talks and she asked me about topics we’ve never discussed before which gave me the opportunity to tell a few stories. Chief among them was the story about my decision to have her and the journey I went on to make that happen. It’s one of my favorite stories to tell. Then of course she wanted to know about her brother which is a good one too.

After that, and running around town in a mask I was done for. We ended up at Target and I just hit a wall. We still needed to go to office max so she could look for packaging supplies, but went home after that. Much of what we were after are items for her new business. I’m impressed by her focus and determination when she has her mind set on something. And I want to encourage that spirit, so I’m being as supportive as I can. 

What started our conversation was just that. She’s 18, almost 19 and heading into semester #2 of her freshman year at college. I think about this sometimes. How when i was her age, I had just met her dad and also working through a 2 year program at community college. I talked about how farther along she is with knowing herself and what she wants from life. At her age I was clueless. 

Getting engaged, married, and moving to Vegas we’re not on any life plan. I had no life plan. I was just cruising, you know, doing the next thing. I have regrets for all that aimless wandering, but I don’t regret getting married. I was in love and it got me away from my family which is what I desperately needed. Of course that led to having two beautiful babies. Would not change that for the world. 

That’s how the stories began yesterday, with the events that led to her dad and I becoming more serious instead of just hanging out as friends. And then to the circumstances that brought her and her brother into my life.

All that reminiscing might have contributed to my exhaustion. I also haven’t been out much lately and was really shocked to see all the people everywhere. It’s as if there’s no pandemic and thousands of people aren’t dying every day. I think deep down I was kind of sickened by it and also that I was among them. After a few hours I was ready to go back into my hiding place. 

And so we did. 

We watched movies and ate leftovers and I was, you guessed it, in bed by 10. 

It’s Sunday today and I’m ready for the weekend to be over and get back to business. Ready to let go of letting go and start kicking ass again. The best part of Sunday is making my to-do list for the coming week. So much hope, and promise, and so much to accomplish. It’s the push and pull of thinking and not doing that causes me grief. 

Once I actually just start “doing” I feel better. That might be why last week I felt so good. I was making progress on several endeavors and that feels good. Tomorrow I’ll be back on that train and I’m ready. 

I think that’s it today. Cutting short again to get started with my day. 

Ready, Steady, Let’s Go, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-25 Merry Efffin Christmas

It’s a mood. It’s not necessarily a bad mood or a good mood. It’s just a mood. Christmas. Whatever.

Yesterday I kinda said efff it to stuff and did what I wanted. I had said previously that what would be good was a repeat of thanksgiving. Just us here at the house having fun. No obligations. And as the day rolled along yesterday I feel like we (or at least I) embraced that spirit. 

I opted to not drive to CB to visit with my dad. Bad daughter. Whatever. 

Instead I had too much coffee and junk food and drove my darling daughter to Qdoba for lunch and my son to target to buy his sister a gift (separate trips). Then in the late afternoon we came together and played a few games, and were successful keeping the losing rants to a minimum. My people are notorious for salty rage when losing at games. How do you teach children to be good sports at losing? Mysteries of the universe. 

Z won at Tsuro, which is a quick game that usually lasts less than 15 minutes. 

Then I kicked their butts at Qwirkle. It really came down to the last play. Z could have won but C put down a move that not only prevented her from running out of tiles first but also set me up for like an 11 point play on my last turn. That’s my boy!! 🤣

Anyway, sad to say that late in the day my brain sort of goes AWOL and I didn’t have a third brain game in me. I would have played UNO or something but C dipped too, wanting to get back to the video games. Z was grumpy about that and bored but what could I do? Another parenting conundrum. 

After that I hung about with Jim for the rest of a relaxing evening. We watched some YouTube and started a movie on Netflix, which we opted to put on pause to go to bed early and read. And yes, I really mean read. My mind goes AWOL about 7PM but my body also goes about 9pm. All I can do is lay in bed. And once I’m there I fall asleep in about 30 seconds. No lie. 

Last night I actually had to take care of Santa duty first. Yes my peeps still get stockings stuffed. And when I say my peeps I mean, the 4 kids (my two and Jim’s boys), 4 kittens (Doug, Kayla, Emma, and Gus), and Jim. That’s a mantle full!! 

At 10:30pm it’s a good thing that doesn’t take much effort. 

I had a pretty good sleep and feel refreshed and ready to take on this day. The days of excited children getting up at 6am to see what Santa brought are long gone. My people have been told that we’re converging in the living room again at 10am. That will be for opening gifts which will be followed by breakfast of cinnamon rolls and bacon and hash browns. Mmmmmm. And coffee for me. 

We have to be done with all that by the time my mom comes over at 1:30. Nice for her to drive here instead of expecting us to drive to CB. That should be a quick and socially distanced visit cuz my mom is not the most Covid-ly conscious person. She went to a steak house for dinner yesterday and I’m pretty sure she also has regular meetups with her pals. 

Yesterday on our way back from Qdoba I asked my daughter if it felt like Christmas. Of course she said no. Of course it doesn’t. But what I wanted to know from her perspective is why. 

She basically said that this has been such a strange year nothing has felt normal. She mentioned something she saw on Tiktok. A person posting a video from Easter with a caption “Anybody remember Easter?” All the comments were “no.” Yeah, that. 

It’s like the whole year got sucked into a swirling vortex of doom and nothing and our memories have all been wiped, like in Men In Black. 

Maybe it wasn’t Corona at all. Maybe aliens have finally descended on the planet and their big takeover move is to cause chaos enough that the human race self-implodes. Maybe Trump is playing for their team. He certainly doesn’t seem human to me.

Oooops. Did that political opinion slip out? Sorry not sorry. 

Anyway, so my goal today is to just have fun with my peeps and see where the day goes. It would be great if I can convince them to game some more. Maybe something more physical like ping-pong or I’ve hockey or shooting baskets. We’ll see. 

Time to get after it. 

Side note before calling it: My hair is getting really long, I’ve been noticing. It makes me want to write a post about all the things that were impacted by the new normal. Perhaps All the things that the pandemic made better. Yeah, that might be a good pre-NYE post. Thoughts? 

Peace, Love, and Peppermint Schnapps, 

~Miss SugarCookie