2019-09-16 Just Shrugging Along

Monday again and I had class which felt really long today. We finished a class exercise we started last week and it took 77 minutes. I didn’t count .. the prof was apparently keeping track. It makes me realize these things are sometimes just as tedious (or more so) for the person dreaming up, conducting discussions about, and then grading assignments. There’s a teeny-tiny fraction of a percent in me that thinks that would be good, fulfilling work. Working with aspiring writers. Watching them grow and flower. The rest of me is like.. “nope”.

If I ever become a teacher I think middle school would be my main Jam. Fresh minds who need to be introduced. Not jaded human beings who have already suffered enough to want to write through their pain. I dunno. /shrug

Anyway.. class was ok and I happily turned in my poems and reading response and feel good about that. Rewind one hot minute Before that and next week’s assignment was passed around. This weekly class thing, yeah, I remember how this works. Kinda. I’ve been spoiled by a program with big deliverables and deadlines but a lot of time in between to work with. We have to be good at time management (which is sometimes a problem for me because of procrastination), but I can crank it out if I need to. /shrug

Monday again and the kids are back and I’m catching up on the parenting thing, checking grades and trying to cook a meal. My Son is already struggling and I went to bat for him convincing the powers that be that he can do well if he’s motivated. He said he wanted to take AP World History. “It’s one of the toughest classes at the high school”, I said to him.

He said “I know, I can do it”. I want very much for him to be right. I want him to show them what I already know.. that he’s a very intelligent. He has a logical, and strategic mind. He’s got a huge capacity for vocabulary and great reading comprehension. He just needs to be interested or he shuts off. Now I know life doesn’t hand you “interesting” on a silver platter calling it your life. Nope. But in this one case I’m hoping he’s not all talk and no action. What’s a mom to do? /shrug

My darling daughter had a baby sitting gig this evening and I had about 10 whole minutes to figure dinner out (because of unexpected traffic after class) and I said “chicken in a skillet and Mac and cheese?”. She said “no”.

I said “pizza rolls?” She said “ok”. I made pizza rolls in the toaster oven (and started the chicken and Mac for C and I). When she came down the stairs she looked at the plate with a frown, “I’m not eating that and I don’t have time anyway”. She grabbed a package of pop tarts and went out the door. Grrrrr.

The pizza rolls were offered to every other human in the house and it was a big fat round of “no”s. Fine. Whatever.

I ate 3 to spite them and dumped the other 9 in the trash. /Shrug

I mean none of the things on the menu tonight were very healthy. I admit it. I didn’t go to the grocery store today for supplies. I’ll go tomorrow. /shrug

What else is there? (I’m doing an hour on the treadmill tonight to make up for the lack of exercise I did today, my butt in a chair most of the day). I dunno. Work maybe? There’s been a flare-up in the last few weeks and right now it feels like the hours I’ve put in are pro-bono. There no bucket to log my time and I know how this goes. We gotta our in some work and then if the project gets picked up for real, then it will be billable.

What can I say? I’m on the bench right now and they are still covering my health insurance. So I kinda feel like I owe my employer anyway, for keeping me on and covered. So I do the requested tasks, which are all not too difficult, and see where it leads. /shrug

Speaking of health insurance. My kids still don’t have any. And my ex is ignoring my requests to help pay. He’s a total ass-hat and I’m going through paperwork which is super painful with the DHHS and the hospital. I hate hate hate it! I don’t want to think about that or it will pull me from my /shrug down to mind on fire driving a burning stake straight through his left eyeball. Nobody wants that.

Simmer down.

Simmer down.


That’s better.

I’m on a new sleeping plan prescribed by my fiancé. We are, one thing at a time, eliminating factors that impact our sleep negatively to try and find the thing that’s going to help improve the situation.

Step 1: Remove the cats from the bedroom area. No more walking back and forth all night, taking baths right by my ear, and sleeping with their fluffy bits in my face.

Step 2: Stop drinking water several hours before bed to reduce waking up to go. Yes, we’re old. Whatever.

Step 3: Use a noise app to generate white noise. Not sure why that’s a thing but I know lots of people who can’t sleep if it’s too quiet.

Step 4: Reduce caffeine intake. Oh, this! We’ll see. Never really been successful trying to do this. Willpower = weak sauce. More on that in another post soon I am sure. Maybe /shrug

Fitbit now has a “sleep score” and even if you get like 8 hours, it can still be poor. Though I’m sure duration is a factor in that score. So all of my nights of sleep are “fair”, not good. Good would be my new goal though hitting my last goal, 7 solid hours was a dream realized only for a short time before it tanked again. Makes me think my issues are chronic and or age related.

Yet, Jim is hopeful this will work for me so I have to have a little faith too. Still… /shrug

Times up! Time to shrug my way into pajamas and onto the couch.


~Miss SugarCookie

2019-07-08 What’s a Girl to Do?

It’s been a few days since I’ve had a moment to myself to even think about life, let alone write about it. We had a pretty great holiday weekend.. mostly chill and the main excitement was getting our new little kitty, Doug, acclimated to the house and the other cats. We started that on the morning of the 4th and by Sunday night Doug and Kayla we’re getting along better than expected. Emma, as predicted, has not emerged from the room she hides in and when one of the other cats goes in, she retreats behind curtains and under the bed. Poor thing. We suspect she was abused or potentially wild from the start of her life and will probably never get used to normal house kitty life. But every kitty needs love and a safe home so that’s our main goal with that one now. 🐱💕

My kids came back home yesterday from their dad’s house and we did lunch out and a movie. My daughter is Gaga for everything Marvel so we went to see the new Spider-Man movie. It was good. End Game is a tough act to follow and they did a great job with that. The plot was slow to develop and a little predictable but the characters were good. It was a great choice for a Sunday afternoon.

It always feels much better in the house when the kids are home. If they are gone too long I start to feel like things are “off” and I noticed my mood was much improved when they came home. What in the world am I going to do when they leave for college??!! I’m really kind of hoping Z does choose UNO so she’ll be close to home, but I’ll try my best to support her wherever she decides to go.

I’ve got a few more years with C and I just have to try to make the most of that time. He struggles with school and I worry about what the future holds. He says he wants to go to a 4 year school but he’s not going putting in the work required. I actually don’t think he knows what he wants, beyond playing his video games. People tell me “he’s got time”, but I’ve seen his patterns of behavior over the last 6 years and not much has changed.

This next school year he will be a sophomore and it’s going to be very interesting. Here’s a kid with an IEP who has a B-/C+ average that does well in subjects he is interested in and basically ignores the rest. The word “ignores” translates to reading or sleeping in class which results in poor outcomes. He can get an A in history and did well enough in his Freshman year to get into AP History this year, yet failed Spanish and got a D in Woods. He’s a smart kid with his own agenda. I guess time will tell what that will lead to. I just wish I could help him more.

For now we’re going to try and enjoy the rest of summer, doing the things we love to do together and let go of worrying about the future. They are both great kids and I’m acutely aware of how fast the time goes. If they are healthy and happy and feel loved.. for now that’s all that matters.

We are going on a family vacation at the end of July and that’s going to be a pretty big adventure, but I can’t think too much about that either because most of my focus is shifting to my MFA residency starting in less than a week. Not only is that 10 days away from the kids and Jim, but it’s the start of my 3rd term which I’m trying very hard not to freak out about. I’ve had a lot of time to prepare and I still dont feel ready. I guess I just don’t even know what “ready” would look or feel like.

Today I’m going to work more on my proposed reading list and goals as well as draft a few short paragraphs for potential topics for a craft essay. Perhaps if i get some things down on paper I will feel more prepared. Perhaps.

In any case, whether I’m ready or not it’s happening and it will all turn out just how it’s supposed to. That’s life. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve got a lot of other stuff to get done today too and it’s Time now to get that Monday party started. Peace Out!

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-31 May the Thirty First

It’s the last day of the Month and at the present moment I’m looking at myself in the mirror and asking “What have YOU done?”. This constant soul searching is quite draining. But literally.. I’m on the treadmill in my basement that faces a mirror and I’m staring at myself. Seems pretty vain but it’s right there. It’s hard not to.

My observations?..

My hair looks good today. I washed it yesterday and it always looks best the day after that. My natural waves are clinging to each other in ringlets, loose and fluffy-ish on top with tighter spirals underneath. I straightened my hair for years and years trying to fit an ideal that was established by goodness knows who. Fashion people somewhere? Rich people? Skinny people with equally skinny hair. It’s just not natural to spend so much time trying to shape yourself into someone else’s picture of perfection.

I can say that my life is tremendously better now that I’ve gone ohh-la-la-natural. For one, I have more time now that I’m not spending an hour with a hair dryer and fat-barrel curling iron every time I wash my hair. And the other is that it’s liberating to not give a fuck what people think. The bonus plan is that I actually think it looks better this way. Yeah, I’m totally digging that “I woke up like this and so what” look.

I really wish I could say the same about my stomach and butt. But improving one’s self takes time and patience and the best changes don’t happen overnight. I still wake up everyday thinking about my weight and food and what I might strategically eat today and when. I’m constantly mentally calculating what I ate and drank yesterday and what that did to my number. You know the one… on the scale.

The first thing I do when I get out of bed in the morning is pee and strip naked and step on the scale. The second thing I do is go to my closet to put on workout clothes and pick up my phone (which I keep in the closet overnight and not by my bed) and log my weight in my Fitbit app. These are such routine behaviors for me at this point that I feel like something is wrong if things don’t start that way.

When I say “improving one’s self takes time”, I’m not talking about working off excess pounds so that the stomach is flatter and tighter. I’m talking about feeling ok with my shape the way it is now. Accepting my body and not being so highly critical of myself. It’s about not letting the dominant thought in my head be about how I look. I did it with my hair so I can certainly do the same for the rest of me. Right?!

I can’t actually see my stomach or butt from the treadmill. That’s probably a good thing. I can see my eyes and I have slightly smudged mascara because I didn’t wash my face before going to sleep last night. I basically walked into the bedroom, pulled the sheets back, crawled in and went to sleep. I slept straight through to 6am when Jim’s alarm clock went off.

I got up this morning and cooked him breakfast and sat on the couch and chatted while he ate. I clutched the cup of hot tea from two days ago I reheated in the microwave while the salmon was waiting to be turned over in the skillet on the stove. I can’t even waste a cup of tea.

When he’s done eating he gets up and kisses me goodbye and heads out the door for work. And there I sit, in my workout clothes holding the cup of tea that I’m not drinking again and I think, “this is my life now”. I’m not sure how long I sat there before I got up.

Yesterday I insisted that I was going to go to Jazzercise despite the fact that i didn’t feel good. It was a mistake. I did it and then spent the rest of the day feeling worse. I napped instead of going out to lunch with a friend and I wouldn’t let go of the internal argument of whether it would be better to rest and relax and recover or push hard through whatever it was that had a hold of me. Some strange, sneaky unwell feeling that didn’t have a definition.

When my daughter says she doesn’t feel good I ask “does your head hurt? Is it a stomach ache or cramps or do you feel nauseated? Do you have aches and pains you can point to or body parts you can name? Can you describe it as sharp or dull or throbbing?”.

What if the “ache” is a heavy heart or worried mind? What if you have anxiety of known or unknown origins? What if the sky is too big and it all just feels like too much or worse, that it doesn’t matter at all how you feel?

What if that girl you used to know finally died of the cancer that crept through time and sank it’s teeth in her bones, leaving behind two babies who will only ever remember their mom as a person fighting for her life for them. They won’t know the 20-something strawberry blonde, full of life, who hung out at Billy Frogs with you on Fridays after work, laughing at stupid things and drinking terrible cocktails and splitting nachos.

Or .. What if that other girl you barely know was raped and wrote a poem about it and posted it on Twitter? What if you wanted to hold her up and give her strength but you didn’t know what to say?

And what if that other girl you know really well because you have given birth to her is getting ready to fly away and the world she’s flying into is wrought with terrible things and terrible people and you can’t protect her from any of it?

You can’t stop time and you can’t keep bad things from happening and you sure as hell cant unmelt the polar ice caps or save all the creatures of this world from meeting their doom because human beings are incredibly selfish and sometimes only think about things like how their hair looks when they wake up in the morning.

You just can’t. But you might feel better if you write about it. So you do that, hoping that it will. “Hope is not a strategy”, but it will have to do today. Today on this thirty-first day of May.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-28 Tyrannosaurus Tuesday

I’m certain that you thought it was Taco Tuesday. You probably woke up this morning, like I did, thinking about tacos. No? Ok.
Yesterday I was just mad. Mad, I say, about everything. It was one of those days that every little thing was shredding my nerves, and I could simply not relax. I checked the calendar to see how far away the start of my cycle is because I was sure PMS was to blame. Still 11 days away so that can’t be it.
I was so teeth-grinding mad that I was planning on writing a grand, tyrannosaurus size rant today and that actually made me feel slightly better. Funny thing that. I really want to try not to do that though, well, I’m on the fence about it actually. On one hand it might make me feel better and on the other hand I want to try, as much as I can, to send only positive vibes out into the Universe. You get what you give, you know?
Soooooo…. instead of a Dinosaur size rant, I’m going to write about the dinosaur size amount of love and respect I have for my amazing Pudding Pie. My daughter, who is 17, would probably be mortified by the fact that I’m telling people what my nickname is for her. Some days, I will try to guess what might bother her and I’m often wrong  –  like 100% of the time (as most mothers of teenage girls are), so perhaps she would not be upset at all.
Today she is taking final exams for her junior year in HS and at the same time having her first day of college. That’s right.. she’s not even out of HS and already taking a class at UNO. The university has a program called summer scholars and it’s only for high school students. They get to live in the dorm rooms for a week and are also enrolled in one entry level class on campus which lasts the entire month of June.
The program has spots for 90 kids and they had to fill out an application, write an essay, and even have an in person interview. I did not know about the program. She found out about it through the school and took the initiative to start the process all on her own. One day she told me about it and the next thing I knew she was communicating with the program coordinator to schedule the interview. Today was the official first day.
We got up super early this morning so we could be at the dorms for check in just after 6:30AM. They get to live in the dorms for a week to get a taste of what dorm life is like. But these are not like any dorm room I’ve ever seen. Each unit is like a mini apartment. There a shared bathroom, individual bedroom for each student, and a little living room/kitchen area. It comes with furniture and a refrigerator and microwave. Her room is on the 4th floor and overlooks a lovely green space.
We got through the move-in process pretty rapidly and then hopped back in the car to get to school. Due to lots of snow days this past winter, the school year was extended into this week. Normally the kids would not have school past Memorial Day. Missing her first two days of class at UNO is not ideal, but taking finals and finishing strong is a priority. In case you missed it.. I’m extremely proud of her for taking this on and all the other things she’s doing.
Not only is she finishing Jr. Year AND jumping into college, but she also draws and paints and is quite good (her instagram is https://www.instagram.com/draw4life_15/?hl=en ). She loves anime and writes her own fan fiction and creates videos to accompany the stories. She has a Youtube channel where she publishes the videos (Zoella Dragneel) which, last I checked, had 7191 subscribers. That’s incredible right??!!
Last night we were heading to the market and she was asking me what words rhyme with “faces” (among other words), and I asked what she was doing. She said “I’m writing a poem”.
I said that was awesome and asked if it was for an assignment. She said “no, just felt like it”. I completely melted. She read it to me as we drove and it was really quite good. Of course I’ve got parental bias, but there were a couple of lines that were strikingly great. That’s my Pudding Pie. 😜
She’s got a good sense of direction in life already and has an internal motivation that’s sometimes absent in teenagers. If there is one thing I want to make sure of, it’s that she understands that her future is hers and there are so very many possibilities. I want to encourage her to choose the path she wants to be on and not feel pressure to go against her instincts because of some limitation or someone else’s expectation. Based on comments in her latest video (a 1 year anniversary “thank you” video), I have no doubts that she will continue to “go her own way”.
Anyway.. so that’s a much better thing for me to focus on than all the other silliness in my head. I’m quite certain I have turned my own mood around by writing this and am starting the week off right instead of sour. Cheers to you all.
Now… about those tacos…
Until Next Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-09 PMS and Bad Poetry

About a week ago I was freaking out because my Fitbit was reporting that my period was like 5 days late. Crazy thoughts go through one’s mind in times like that. I found myself thinking about what it would be like to start over. Another bundle of joy, diapers, Halloween costume creations, and 18 more years before THAT bouncing baby would be where my Z is now – trying to decide what colleges to apply for.

I have no doubt it would be a better parenting experience because now I have a true partner in life. I would be a stay at home mom and I’ve learned so much that I feel I would do a much better job. Still, the idea really threw me. Just before I got to the point of running to Walgreens to get a pee-stick (pregnancy test), I realized that last month my period started when I was in Barcelona and I forgot to record it in my Fitbit. Sure enough when I corrected that it adjusted my calendar and told me I was going to get my period in like 5 days. I was suddenly washed in relief. That’s very telling. I’m 45 and can’t be birthing no babies now.

That was about a week ago and sure enough I have not started yet. My cycle is naturally just a few days longer than the average of 28 days. I always expect to start a few days after Fitbit says I should. The programming isn’t smart enough to learn from past months, so it always needs tweaking. Stupid technology!

All of this just to get to the point where I come clean about the seriousness of my PMS. Some months are worse than others and I never know what kind of thoughts will surface. In the last 6 months, with all the big changes in my life I’ve often been pulled down by an undertow of doubt.

“What the hell am I doing?” Is an oft ast question during these days. How can I possibly be giving up my independence and putting my kids through this life drama, all for a relationship. I’m not my Mother. That’s the kinda shit she did and I vowed never to be like her. I grew up with divorced parents who were dating, moving, getting married, divorced, and moving again. They were absorbed in all their adulting and I was invisible. I was the quiet one, not social or a troublemaker or overly emotional like my siblings. I demanded zero attention and so that’s what I got. I digress.

When I got divorced my kids were still young. I found my way out of that situation because I was backed in a corner and had flipped into survival mode. When you can’t breathe, you do what you have to. At least that’s what I told myself anyway. Once I was free I made an internal promise to myself to not put my children what I went through, and to always place their interests first.

I suppose that’s why I had issues with any relationships I found myself in. I dated a little bit but my mind was terrified of anything that may have a “future” attached. My heart fell easy my mind was always backing away going “nope, not doing that”. I seemed to always fall in with guys that were “safe”.

Vis was safe because he claimed I “was not the one for him”, still, we dated until he found someone else and broke my heart. Yeah, he broke my heart first by chasing a girl who was bat-shit crazy and I befriended her just to try and stay conected. Probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. (BTW… 👋🏻 Hi.. I hope all is well!).

Josh was a person I turned to both during my separation and divorce with Brian and my break-up with Matt. He was safe because I “wasn’t his type” and “not his destiny”. That was Joshua – Always so dramatic. I would say we also dated but he would probably deny that. He never really broke my heart, but instead just angered me past the point of no return with his approach to life. I was ok just being friends but he always felt the need to remind me about Najah or a girl at our Gym named Emily that he called “Code Red” or some other girl he met on OK Cupid, always someone else on the side. Eventually I just threw my hands up and said “whatever dude”. I knew I deserved better than a life with a person like that.

There were a few others I had brief spins with but I tell you the second I saw a certain look in their eyes, I began to panic. It’s fucked up to say the more they were “interested” in me the faster I bolted. It may just be that I had good sense of what I was looking for and knew what they just weren’t it.

If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably one of the reasons that Matt was perfect and also why things didn’t work out with him. He was into me but not in any hurry to plan for the future. I claimed he was the one that was “commitment phobic” (which he is), but I was too. We were committed enough to let 5 years pass and never make plans for “the future”. We never moved in together and in the end we were so paralyzed we could not even talk about “us”.

Somewhere along the way I grew to want more and to start planning and he just never caught up. I told myself it was better that way, break ties and just cruise through the last years of my kids living at home and then “maybe” look for something more after that. That way I would for sure honor that promise I made to myself about putting my kids first. It was for the best.

Except the Universe had other plans. Enter Jim stage right. On March 3rd 2018 my world changed. Things happened really fast, and it was surprising how open I was to all that rapid-fire change. It was everything I had previously been against, yet, I found myself saying “yes” to everything and having lots of serious conversations about the future. Was I just ready? Was I just so confident about him being the one for me? He is an amazing person and perhaps I was afraid of putting the brakes on for fear that that would make him pull away.

It has been really great and I didn’t want to screw things up. My friend Sam told me not to worry if it goes fast, just “go with it” she said. And that’s what I’ve done. Now it’s like a year later and we live in his house and talk about the future all the time (except for that wedding planning thing). It’s only a few days a month that I feel red flags and my mind wanders to places that are filled with doubt. Stupid PMS. I think about living in this grand house and all the stuff in it and how that’s not me. I think about how I’ve abandoned my career and now sometimes feel “trapped”, like I can’t leave without permission. It’s quite mad actually, since I now have the freedom to truly dive into school and my writing free from worry about all the financial things.

It’s not just the house and all the stuff (though that is the biggest part). There are other troubling thoughts swimming in my brain. Last night I could simply not quiet my mind about the house thing and in my heightened state of feeling swallowed by the situation I wrote a really bad poem about our respective houses and the experience of trying to fit all my things into his house. It’s a truly terrible poem, but I had to get what I was thinking out somehow – set the words free on paper and smooth my mind. Yeah, that happened, and I sort of felt better afterward. Then I descended to the living room from the room that is my office, which incidentally houses my old office furniture and bedroom furniture and all the plants I had in the room above my garage. We watched an episode of “The Handmaids Tale” and then went to bed.

No flow yet this morning (because I know you wanted to know that) and I’m back refereeing this internal struggle about my life, liberty, and pursuit of that “ever elusive” happiness.

I don’t care what people say.

The Struggle is Real,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-07 Another Birthday in the Books ❤️🎉🎂🎊🎈

Today my son is 15 and like most parents in my position, I can’t hardly believe it. Time just sneaks by with such quickness. What feels like overnight your tiny, chubby-cheeked darling turns into a clever, sensitive and very independent 15 year old. He is an amazing person and despite our struggles, he’s still my main man.

Yesterday we both “stayed home” and hung out all day (after a late start, you know because given the opportunity the teenager wants to sleep in). It was a good day, all-in-all, and a good end to a very celebratory weekend. It just happens to also be Jim’s sons birthday today, who is also 15, so we planned some fun events for the whole crew.

Today it’s back to reality. Back to work for me and back to school for C. He had delayed an inevitable presentation in English class which was totally stressing him out. Getting up in front of a group to give a speech (or for any reason) can be nerve wracking. At least the subject of this one was something he is interested in, Greek mythology. I’ve got my fingers crossed for him. It’s icky timing having it be on his birthday but such is life.

I’ve got two “official” weeks left on my current gig and I’m trying very hard not to get “short-timer” syndrome. I still have a full set of stuff that needs to be done in the next two weeks and that will keep me going, but every time someone mentions something that needs to happen in June or July or beyond that, my mind wanders away. June will be a transition month for me and by July school will be in full swing again. The best I can do for the project and my team is make sure those “future” tasks get onto the master project plan with assignments and due dates. That was what 80% of my job on the project was supposed to be and yet it turned super-technical and most of what I was doing required learning new tricks.

I’m not an old dog, but I feel like I’m coming to the end of my desire to learn new tricks when it comes to certain things. I can’t quite explain why I’m so over transplant data and HL7 yet when it comes to AWS or Tableau or the start-up life, I’m still enthusiastic about learning. I guess I’m probably just done beating one dead-horse and ready for riding new ponies.

Anyway, The rest of my day today is spoken for and I will not get to spend anymore time with C for his birthday. He is going to be spending the evening with his dad. I will, however be going out to dinner with Jim and his kids to celebrate his son’s birthday. It’s pretty wild that him and C were born on the same day. It actually came up on the first phone conversation I had with Jim last year. “What are the odds of that?!”, we both said.

Well my time is up again already and I’ve got to get my act in gear for the work-week.

Party On, 🎉 🎈 🎊

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-02 The One About Food (and Parenting)

Yesterday was such a long day and I did not have a minute to spare. I spent most of the day at the Med Center parricipating in sessions and meetings and doing that work thing I sometimes do. I only had a break from that in the afternoon long enough to pick up the kids from school and get them home. Then it was back downtown for Happy Hour with my co-workers. That was the highlight of my day.

I got to meet two of my co-workers who drove up from KC and had a brief interaction with a former colleague from my last company who stopped in to say hi to the team. My boss is also in town and he’s connected with lots of folks in our little healthcare data sphere. It was a good evening.

It was such a mad-dash of a day that I didn’t have time to cook my kids dinner. We had what we call is a “fend for yourself” night. I try not to do this too much for a couple of reasons. First, I like to cook for my kids (despite how picky they are) and have a nice sit-down meal together talking about our day. Secondly, on our drive to school this morning I asked them what they ate. My son said “chips” and my daughter said “nothing”.

She said “I was going to make nachos but forgot” and followed that with “I don’t need to eat, it’s not like I’m going to die or anything”. I was like, wow.. ok. What was I supposed to say to that?!

How about “yeah, not for a few weeks anyway”. 😜 in that moment I felt like a parental failure (an oft felt thing in my world). She’s less than 2 years away from flying the nest and still hasn’t learned the value of a good, nutritional meal or how to “fend for herself”. Perhaps if she was left alone for a few days the story would be different, hunger would kick in, and she would be forced to “cook”. Cook is in quotes because their idea of making a meal for themselves is still microwaving nacho chips with cheese or eating an unpopped pop-tart.

My son wasn’t much better. To him I said, “chips are not dinner”. He knows that but is also lazy and flexing a minute of independence to do what he wants. Then I followed up with “tonight we are having a proper meal”. A declaration to alleviate my crappy feelings about the whole thing. It worked.. mostly.

I can’t feel too bad about the situation because I recognize that people, even one’s own children, have to figure things out for themselves. Hell, I was brought up with a mom who almost always cooked balanced meals, yet when I left home and went to college and then ran off to Vegas, I ate terrible for like almost 10 years. At Iowa Western my main go-to meal was French fries and dill pickles and I probably ate fast food or bowls of sugar cereal for most of my 20s. I don’t recall cooking much outside of spaghetti and enchiladas and hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill. Oh and my favorite meal of all time which was Original Kraft Mac and Cheese and Applesauce (still is high on my list of favorites, right below cheeseburgers)! 🍔 😉

I’m sure my kids will also go through this when they leave home. I just hope my voice gets some airtime in their minds as they start to make choices. “Eat some fruits and veg with each meal” and “breakfast is important”. I have my own nagging voice to deal with all day every day and have learned the importance of nutrition and taking care of one’s body. My inner voices are always arguing about it. What is needed is a nice balance, but it’s not always easy. I digress.

All this thinking about food is making me hungry. It’s not even 9am and I don’t typically eat breakfast until after 10 or 11 sometimes (so much for taking my own advice).

Today is a new day, and an opportunity to make better choices. I’m back to sitting at my computer at home to do my work and I’m very much looking forward to dinner with my people tonight which will be followed by a little writing time with my writing group which I feel I’ve abandoned for like a month. It’s time to get back into that, and more than just a few hours a week. Pretty soon now I’ll be registering for classes and that’s exciting!

It’s going to be a great day.

Happy Meal Planning,

~Miss SugarCookie