2020-10-23 Just Another Friday Soapbox about the End Times

The biggest news of the day is the cold temps. 35 now and headed straight for a hard freeze over night tonight. On one hand that’s rotten as all the annuals including the veggies will be done done. But, I’m not too terribly upset, you know, having neglected that garden for so long this growing season already.

The hard freeze also means I’ll get some relief from my seasonal allergies which had a real hex on me this year. The “Jumanji” year, according to my daughter. On December 31st when the ball drops we’ll all say Jumanji 3 times and be released from this hazardous game. If only.

When she said that I had to admit I’ve never seen any of those movies. Neither the original nor the reboots. Might be something to add to my list. Yeah, that list of movies that people say “wow, you have to see that” and I just shrug. Who has time for that?! 🤷‍♀️

I guess all the variations of terrible occurrences that have been prevalent in 2020 are reminiscent of some twisted game people are stuck in. She didn’t go into a ton of detail explaining, but I get it. The world is in ruin. It’s every person for themselves.

What I did make time for to watch this week was the Netflix documentary “Social Dilemma” that’s a cross between explanation of what goes on behind the scenes at the big tech companies, interviews with people in the know, and a dramatization of a family torn by their addictions to their devices.

The whole thing was disturbing. It makes me want to delete all the apps off my phone. And I’m not even a big user of the social media apps. Neither are my kids thank goodness. C hates that crap and refuses to create accounts. Z has insta, and Snapchat and FB but does not use them much. She uses Discord mostly which is kind of a gamer platform. But all platforms are subject to the same issues.

The sick part of the underbelly of the internet is that it’s not just social media. Data is out there on everyone. Just googling something builds a profile on a person and the information you are “served” is tailored based on that and your geographic location among other things.

We can’t seem to get our act together on healthcare reform in this country enough to make small improvements yet we can feed people information enough to sway elections. That’s disturbing.

And it’s not just the US, it’s global. The real pandemic. More of a threat than any virus that threatens to decimate our population. The internet is destroying the fabric of our societies. Using our humanity against us. We’re reduced to being “users.” Pawns to be played to some agenda that’s not visible to us.

It’s bigger than serving up adds or click bait to get consumers to purchase goods. It’s feeding information that is tailored to keep you clicking. Like a mindless lemming.

I think back to a few months ago when I watched the Ted Kazinski documentary and can’t help but glean a connection. I can’t help but think that Ted’s not wrong. He may have been mad, and amoral but some of his ideas are spot on.

Then I think about that day in May when I was so beat down with bad news of the pandemic and heard a news story that with all the shut-downs and shelter in place orders, the emissions recorded had dropped to the lowest they had been in a long time. And that felt like a silver lining.

Humans can’t get their act together to turn things around with climate change so Mother Nature is doing it for us. Unleashing a pandemic on us.

Where’s Thanos when you need him?

Too far??!! Yeah. Probably.

In any case my brain can’t help but see these connections everywhere. And want to make some changes in my life. Starting with my electronic device. And my kids’ and also having more conversations with them about what the merits are of being a good human, and citizen, and understanding that moderation is key in a lot of indulgences.

Screen time and Participating in social media are just two things. There’s also a need to fact check and not blindly believe what you read.

Anyway. Enough of that soap box. I’m out of time and need to get on with my day and doing what needs doing before that hard freeze.

Good riddance seasonal allergies!


~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-20 I Just Can’t Today

I stare down at the glow of the screen of my SE, Evernote open with the date typed into the title. Just the date. I’ve been told I’m a good titler. Yeah, lots of years of practice. But today I’m at a loss. How on earth does one sum up the aching heart that comes from a child that’s hurting who you can’t help.

My Z called me late last night. Late like 1am. She’s crying and needs to talk. Again. She’s depressed, and feeling lost and alone. She’s burdened by the isolation she’s been in, for a lot longer than this pandemic and it’s getting worse. One by one her lifelines have been cut.

Her HS friends broke her heart by abandoning her. Throwing away her friendship like it meant nothing. And she does not have many friends and is so shy she doesn’t make new friends easily. She literally has no one her age to talk to, to laugh with, to love.

With the lack of school friends, she turned to the internet and found a few kindred spirits there. Believe me, as a parent I’m leery of this, but I’ve been watching and know for a fact these girls are legit. I also know she needed these people. People need people.

Her best friend is Alex who lives in California. The other two are in North Carolina and Australia. Yeah, that’s the power of the internet. But the two edges of that sword are that it is easy to communicate but also easy to stop. Alex was her lifeline when her best friend in real life dumped her. Z was devastated and Alex was there, all night long and in the weeks to follow, keeping her company. Day and night.

Now Alex is starting to become unavailable. Being unresponsive on discord and there’s no explanation.

We moved Z into the dorm at UNL in August and found pretty quickly that she was better off here. She’s been coming home every Friday and staying through Tuesday or Wednesday the following week. She does all her coursework online and has a rare in-person interaction for her classes.

The isolation there is worse. There are no clubs or activities (far as I’m aware) and no meetups in the dorms. It’s all shut down because of the pandemic, There are literally no opportunities there to meet people. And not a lot here at home either.

It’s heartbreaking to hear her cry at 1am (she spent the night at her dads house) and know I can’t comfort her outside of being there to listen. I told her she can come home today. We can spend some more time together, and then I pulled up a blanket in the recliner I had snuck off to to take her call, and we talked for an hour.

I let her know I was here for her and listening. And lamented with her about how this pandemic has just fucked everything up. All our plans. Our vacations and graduations and her freshman year.

And as if that was not enough, she also drops a bomb.. her dads parents, her grandparents have the virus. This is devastating news. They are already high risk because of their age (in their 70s) but it’s worse because they are also both diabetic and her grandpa has a long history with heart disease.

She said her dad told them at dinner and that they were not doing well. They are apparently still at home, resisting going to get help. Not sure why that would be. If it’s true (which is a terrible thing for me to say) this could be the event that breaks both of my children.

Hell, it just might break me too. They were my mom and dad for 18 years of my life. That whole family was a sacrifice I had to make to get out of a bad situation. But now is not the time for that. Now is a time I need to be strong for my children. At the very least be there for them if bad turns into worse.

I just texted my ex. And I’m just walking and crying. How on earth can we get through this? The Universe help me. I’m feeling pretty lost too.

I’m just tired, you know, of trying to smooth everything over and keep on being reliable and responsible. Thank goodness that I am done working or I might just go seriously off the rails. But I gotta keep it together for Z and C and Jim. Just put all my energy into them and myself. You know, secure your own oxygen mask first.

I took Z to vote yesterday and to renew her drivers license. My main motivation for voting early, besides avoiding the crowds on November 2nd, was so I could maybe drive to Austin for Election Day. Another getaway for my sanity I suppose. And because I miss my people. Now Z and I are conspiring to go together. Which I believe she needs as much as I do.

But we’ll be in a holding pattern until we know her grandparents are going to be ok. Which they might not be and I would not want us to be 1000 miles away when bad news falls.


It’s like 2 hours later. I had to take a call from my ex which turned into a long conversation. About Z and C and his parents. It was an ok chat, which is the best I can hope for with that one. He thinks Z needs to see a counselor and or be on meds for depression. Maybe.

What she needs first is a job and some activities and people to keep her busy. I mean, what she really needs is for the pandemic to end but it’s a waste to wish for that kind of change in the world.

Her grandma is doing ok. She’s a tough woman and a fighter. And her grandpa is a fighter too, but he’s been fighting diabetes for 60 years and CHF for over ten. And that’s not good.

My ex tells me they were told not to come to the hospital unless they could not breathe. There are no ICU beds. Beds and vents are in short supply. They are in Iowa, across the river. But I hear that’s happening here in Omaha too.

They think they picked up the virus at a funeral. For someone who died from Covid. And someone at the funeral was positive. Now a bunch of the family has it. Aunts, uncles. My ex did not go because he was feeling ill himself that day and felt it would be irresponsible to go. The most reasonable thing I’ve heard him say in a long time.

He thought about not telling the kids. But decided that if the outcome is not good, they would be really mad if he had not told them sooner. That was another good call. People need time to process information.

I need time too.

Anyway. I’m just worn thin and wonder how today will play out and tomorrow.
And the day after that.

Maybe I need a counselor too.

I guess that’s enough doom and gloom for one day.

Taking it one damn minute at a time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-16 My Morning Commute 🌅

My daily morning drive is less of a commute than it is a taxi service. I know some people think that my son (16 years old since last May) should have his license by now. And perhaps be driving himself to school. That it would be less of a burden on me or time I could be doing other things. It’s about 1 hour round trip, twice each school day.

That adds up to ten hours a week. And yeah, I suppose I could be doing other things, but I rather enjoy the break. It’s an easy cruise and the traffic in Omaha is not that bad. Sometimes I even get the opportunity to chat with my son, just the two of us. Which is valuable. It’s tough for a mom to connect with her teenage son. Can I get a thumbs up on that one??

Most of the time, however, he’s using the drive to get into his own zone of relaxation. In the mornings I think he sometimes even falls back asleep. That’s ok. I like to have quiet time for reflection too.

The bonus plan these days is that the timing for sunrise coincides exactly with our morning drive. A few days this week it’s been almost completely dark when I leave. And when I arrive home the sun is up and the sky is bright. What I find, in between, is different each day.

Today the sunrise was the most intense I’ve witnessed in a while. Deep pink laced with orange as the light of the sun, not yet showing itself on the horizon lit up a sky full of clouds. So much definition and dimension that the pictures I captured look almost 3D. Amazing!

The view of the sky transformed with lighter shades of those same hues as I made my way to the school. From the entrance ramp for West Dodge Expressway, to the on-ramp of 680, to the big curve as the interstate turns into I-80 east, the it was a kaleidoscope of dazzling color changes.

During the long stretch on southbound 84th street is when the sun finally appeared. The horizon on that part of the drive isn’t really visible, but I could still see the color through the houses, businesses, and trees.

By the time I got to the school, the color had all but been replaced by the hues of blue and white that will likely persist all day.

I go different routes to get home all the time. Today was 84th to Q Street West, which I did on purpose cuz it’s Friday and I was in the mood to treat myself with a vanilla latte from Dunkin’. Large today as I was redeeming my free beverage reward earned from moneys spent on past lattes.

That sweet treat is now waiting for me on the kitchen counter. Gotta get my treadmill time in before I can truly enjoy that reward.

It’s fascinating how some days I’m so down on myself for not being productive enough and other days I feel great about what I’ve accomplished. Makes me think that every fleeting feeling is just a mirage in the desert sands of time.

Fleeting as the colors of the sunrise.

In 6 short hours I’ll make the return trip to pick my son up from school and I look forward to that.

Just as I also look forward to our Friday night, and the weekend. We don’t have
a ton of plans and that’s a nice contrast to the long drives we did last weekend.

Perhaps I’ll crack one of the books in my ever growing stack. Perhaps I’ll be inspired and do some creating. Perhaps I’ll finally get around to opening the mail and paying my bills. Or not. 😜

That’s just my MO. Always pushing the envelope on how long I can procrastinate the adulting.

On that note, my time is up.

Peace, love, and vanilla lattes,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Yes, I did take these pictures while I was driving. Yes, probably not the smartest thing to do. But just look!! Can you blame me??!

2020-10-15 If I’m Being Honest…

I might as well be painfully honest. **Spoiler alert.. Rant city, dead ahead in 30 seconds.

I have not had one of these in a while, but no matter how good life is, it is bound to happen. And the longer I hold the angst inside, the worse it will be when it comes out. And I want to be true to myself and my feelings. And it IS just past midnight and I’m awake with these god-damned thoughts so I might as well. 

First. I’m so fucking sick of politics. Nobody is going to change anybody’s mind so shut up and vote already and move along. We can’t change what happened four years ago and we can’t change what’s going to happen a few weeks from now. It’s bad enough that there are NO GOOD OPTIONS. As an American citizen I’m sick of having no good options. And it does not matter what happens anyway because the ship is too big and heavy to make any course correction that will matter to the individual citizen. Good grief. 
But that’s not what is keeping me from sleeping. 

Secondly. I just found out a few days ago that my final residency for my MFA will be  conducted in virtual format. I was given the option to defer last time, and crossed my fingers and eyes and held my breath but it did me no good. I could stomp my foot and cry about it but that would do me no good either. But it might make me feel better to stomp my foot and cry about it, so consider this pathetic paragraph my version of that. 
I get to graduate on Zoom. Fuck that. Just flipping forget about it already. I’ll just take that piece of paper that I spent 40K of my savings account on and disappear back into the fog of insignificance from whence I came. 
But that’s not what is keeping me from sleeping. 

Thirdly. It’s just past midnight and I’m awake writing this. And that sucks. I want desperately to get a good night sleep. I went to bed at 9:15, exhausted, and with high hopes of getting 8 full hours. When I woke at like 11:15 I thought it might be like 3 or 4 or 5am, but nope, it was 11.  I took some pill to help me get back to sleep, and that might kick in any minute now so if I start slurring my words, that’s why. Also my son was still awake and I was frustrated to find his light on and computer on as well. I’m being honest. I just don’t want to deal with it. 

I … just … don’t. But, yes, you guessed it. That is also not what is keeping me awake right now. Well right now it’s the typing keeping me awake but what was it at 11:20, 11:25, 11:30, 11:35, 11:40, 11:45 that was tossing in my head and preventing me from falling back asleep naturally? Stuff with the lit mag. 

Kate was right when she said it’s all work and that people suck. That is what I appreciate about Kate. It is that she is honest. And direct. And I question my own motives with starting this little project and I wonder how much I have in me to continue if it is going to be this way. What is THIS WAY?? 
“This way”, is constantly dealing with situations which give rise to angst in my chest. I just want everything to be smooth. For people to be pleased with their experience with “us”, and frankly, to not feel like I’m lying when I say I’m pleased with my own experience. I’m not sure it’s possible. Start-ups are hard. People are complicated. You can’t please everyone. And what makes all of this more difficult is that I have to rely on another person who, for whatever reason, doesn’t do what they say they are going to do and / or if they do, I’m not aware of it. 

We’re nine months in and it can’t be a fluke as it has happened too many times. The (now) classic volunteering to handle something and then just not doing it. I mean, maybe his is doing those things, but has learned by now (because I have asked countless times that he CC me on communications) that he tells me he will CC me, but then doesn’t. Then I’m stuck. I can’t send the communication because I don’t know if he has already done it. And I can’t let it go because it’s probably something that needs to be done. 
By the way, most communication is ineffective if not done in a timely fashion, so sitting on something for weeks and weeks makes everyone look bad. 

Take yesterday for example. We meet as planned at around 5PM and of the many things discussed, were three different agenda items which require communication. 1) Follow Up with potential script writing editors. 2) Follow up with a person who’s fiction stories we will be publishing with the next issue. 3) Inquiry with a different individual to see if they are interested in being a guest editor/ judge for a future contest we are planning. (Not to mention the countless other ideas we brainstormed about on how to increase the number of quality submissions we get). 

Set aside #3, because that can wait. Perhaps even #1 can wait another week with no ill repercussions. But #2?! That should have gone out Monday as far as I am concerned. So here we are Wednesday (tip-toes into Thursday) and he say’s he’ll do it but didn’t. “I’ll go home right now and do all those and CC you on them.” Direct efffffing quote. I want to trust him. I finish out my evening. I go to bed early, so hopeful, and then wake at 11:20 and check my email and there’s nothing new in my in-box. Grrrrrr. 

So that’s it. That’s what is at the heart of the matter and eating my brains. 
Hopefully the meds I took will put me back to sleep and I’ll wake with a clear head and have regained my composure. I hate that these things affect me so. I’ve even considered just trying to let it go, and let him be the kind of leader he wants to be and help where I can but go off and do my own thing. But that’s not really an option at this point. I’m too personally invested in this. Ugh!! 

I’m just tired. I’m just needing sleep. I’m just….  being honest. 
It’s now almost 1am and I need to get back in bed. Thanks for the therapy session.

Big Yawn,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-04 On Days Like Today

On days like today I’m reminded how my son never wants to go outside. He resists it each and every time that I’ve suggested it, reliable as day turning to night as the sun slides down the sky. It always frustrates me because the outdoors has so much to offer. I ask myself as much as I ask him “why would anyone refuse it?”

The breeze and the sun.
The joy of stopping a fast moving soccer ball before it hits your opponents goal.
The mysticism in breath turning into fog on a cold morning.
The bounty of squirrels and birds busy with their own intentions.
That same cat that comes slinking around the porch at dusk that always makes you wonder if it is going, away from home or towards it. It must have a home right? You think about putting out a bowl of food or water.
And trees. Trees! So many different stories waiting to unfold there in the shade. Or perhaps just a good nap.
Have you ever slept outside?
You really can’t say you have lived unless you’ve slept outside. Exposed and open to every sound. Every star in the sky whispering the dreams they had on the way to greet you in the night. Their big plans for the future.

But he always says “no.”
Tells me he’s in the middle of something or has some excuse or another why not. Too cold. Too hot. Too tired. Too busy.

I try my best to be a good mother and so press a little harder. Coax with promises of fun. Press with my well rehearsed speech about living a balanced life and how important it is. He remains unimpressed. Sometimes he’s looking me in the eye and other times his back is turned.

Sometimes I let it go. And other times I conjure ultimatums. I push to the point he really has no choice. He follows me out the door, slumped shouldered and angry. I can feel his eyes burning the back of my head.

A half an hour later we are speaking to each other in British accents and laughing. We could be walking the block or, if we’re really lucky there’s a snow covered hill and we have our sled disks with us and we can get a rush from sliding down backwards. Maybe we carry our tennis rackets to the court to volley for a bit or, if it’s a hot day, we might sit by the side of the pool with our feet dipped in.

At least I imagine that’s how it would be if he followed me outside. Each and every time I’ve convinced him, he tries hard to resist letting it show that he’s having a good time until finally he gives in. He says something outrageous and I reply with “bloody hell!”

I know it is in his nature to resist but I also know, that even if he will refuse to admit it, these are the good times we’ll both remember. That he had fun when he finally gave in.

Today, for whatever reason, I was resisting my own plan to spend the day outside. Grumbling at myself as I rolled out of bed that I had promised my Sunday to the Sunshine. With no good reason why.


On days like today I need to remember how wonderful life can be, if we just open the doors and let it breathe.

It was a good day; a satisfying day. And I got to meet the grandmother chinquapin oak tree, not too far off the beaten path. Jack says the tree predates white man being in the area. That means that the tree is older than my heritage in America. That’s an old tree.

I’ve got more to say about my outing today, but it did wear me out a wee bit and I’d like to just sleep on all my thoughts a little.

Perhaps there will be more tomorrow. Perhaps not.
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-03 Thanks for the Reminder

It’s been a wild week. Lots of drama with the end of my time as an employee (at long last) and finally getting to pull the trigger on the first issue of The Good Life Review. It took till about 6PM yesterday before I entered into that corpse pose phase I’ve been talking about for a few days now.

After the social media frenzy of the morning I still had an initial meeting with a couple folks interested in hopping on our little GLR bus as script writing editors. Which went really well. Sometimes I think I lead better when I don’t have to accommodate my co-leader in the endeavor.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy and has the best intentions but I think I do better facilitating and operating without another person to defer to. I dunno, maybe I just secretly like to be in control and call all the shots.

In any case, he dipped on the meeting due to work issues (for the umpteenth tine) and so I flew solo talking to Jake and Joe. It was great! They are both enthusiastic about being on the team and so we are all systems go with adding (more) “drama” to the setlist of what we’re about. Yay!! 🤸🏼‍♀️

After that I started to slide into weekend mode. I’m talkin bout a REAL weekend without working or worrying about work. Without fretting about deadlines and what is next. Without any real responsibility aside from the things that should be a priority. Loving my people up and preparing meals and watching a few shows and enjoying a last swim of the season. Not to mention possibly sneaking away to be alone and spending some QT with a few books.

Reading books? What’s that like??!! 😜

I think I’ll get a fair bit of that tomorrow with my trip to participate in another “Shack Simple” with Jack. So today’s gonna be all about the Fam. And Jim. I mean, we’re still newlyweds after all.

Last night as we were retreating early to find a good nights sleep, I did one last scan of email (bad habit, I know) and read the subject of a spam email from Wedding Wire. A site I probably subscribed to when I was searching for a vendor or something during our wedding planning.

The subject said “Toasting to Eight Months.” And I looked at the calendar and was like, ha! Indeed it was our eight month anniversary and was completely overlooked by both of us (Thanks for the reminder wedding wire). That real life folks. I mentioned this to Jim who was also looking at his phone.

He said, that’s tomorrow right? We both laughed. He kissed me and said happy anniversary. Then we turned the last bedside lights off and both assumed our usual “fall asleep” positions. In the dark he says, “we can make out tomorrow.”

I said, “yup. Tomorrow.”

Yeah.. real life.

Now it’s tomorrow and we’re in the workout room. I’m doing that treadmill thing I do and he’s lifting with his son. After this I’ll make breakfast for us. Then we’ll see what else this responsibility-free Saturday has to offer.

On that note. My time is up.

Happy Caturday to All!
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-27 It’s All Just So Rhetorical

It’s overcast and there’s a soft rain falling on the patio. I can hear low rumbles in the distance letting me know the sky is threatening somewhere, out there. But not here. Here there is a calm that only Sunday morning can bring.

The demons of Saturday Night have all stumbled to their beds and will not be seen or heard from for a while. It’s a welcome quiet. Still, I can’t just lay in my bed and listen to the rain. I still can’t close my eyes and let the overcast lull me back to sleep. How many times have I dreamed a life where that was possible? And of all the wishes I’ve been granted, why is that one so elusive?

That’s rhetorical. Because the answer is inconsequential. Like a lot of things, come to think of it.

Yesterday I had a lovely day. From start to finish. In the morning we loaded up our bikes and drove the short distance to Flannigan Lake for a ride on the paved path that circles it. 30 glorious minutes peddling and feeling the cool breeze against my face. I could have done a second lap but it was not in the cards for us.

We saw loads of geese and some ducks and a blue heron. At one point we got off our bikes and walked down close to the lake to spy on the roads and split open milkweed pods to set the seeds free.

There were not too many other humans, but enough. As I was speeding by I saw a guy pull a big fish that was hooked on the end of his fishing line out of the lake. I saw a family with scooters posing for pictures with the lake in the background. I saw a woman running with her dog that was tethered to her by a leash. That made me wonder who was running who since the dog was in the lead.

I saw a few women with double strollers. I had one of those for my babies once. I rarely used it. I truly regret all the time I wasted when they were that age on things that I thought were important. But spending a life lamenting regret is also a waste, so I’ve got to let that go.

I may look back years from now and regret all these hours on the treadmill when I could have been laying in bed listening to the rain with my love sleeping next to me. But can I ever change?

Again, rhetorical.

The rest of the day yesterday brought errands and planning a bit of a getaway for Jim and I and then a photo shoot out in the yard. I see you days ago I told Jim I really need some new pictures because the ones I’ve used in the past are either too old or not right for what I want them for. I mean, hopefully I will never need that professional business headshot I had done at JC Penny Portrait Studio in 2017 for my job hunt.

He got a ton of pictures and was very sweet trying to get a lot of diverse snaps at various places in our backyard. The fall colors are really starting to come in and it’s a perfect time for it. With a little cropping there are a few that could definitely work. I need to look again today with a fresh eye. And without my margarita colored glasses. Ha!

Today it would be good if it’s overcast and rainy all day as I’ve got a full set of stuff I need to get done. We’re finally ready to start creating the posts for the first issue of The Good Life Review” and that will keep me busy for much of the day. I’ve also got to write a letter from the Editor. The first of what I hope is many.

We’re also going to be rearranging the plants in our solarium as we brought inside all the ones we want to save from harsh Nebraska weather. The temps are about to take a dip and October can be so unpredictable. We could have a day like yesterday that feels like summer followed by a day that threatens frost. And the random October snowstorm is not out of the question. And although those hibiscus are beautiful.. they won’t save themselves.

I’d also love to dig up the gladiolus and dahlias and keep them safe over winter. Plant them again in spring. Yeah.. lots to do. That’s why I can’t stay in bed on a quiet Sunday morning. Too much to do. Isn’t that just ridiculous?

Don’t answer. It’s rhetorical. 😜

With Love and Hot Coffee with Too Much Sugar,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-23 Random Facts About Having 4 Cats (Among Other Things)

  • Having four cats means you have to scoop litter boxes everyday.
  • This morning I started crying in my kitchen. I was loading the dishwasher when Alexa started telling me about memorial plans for Ruth B.G. as a part of my daily news briefing. I had not really grieved the loss yet. It just happened.
  • I have 6 days left at my job. And I’ve already logged like 24 hours this week. 🙄
  • Having four cats means there are cats everywhere you go in the house (mostly because they follow me around though).
  • Today I put on dirty clothes to carry out my morning routine cuz I wanted to wear my favorite sweatshirt and have been procrastinating doing laundry.
  • I had tickets to see Elton John in June of 2020. This was cancelled, of course, because of the arrival of the end times. Today I learn from the almighty in-box that the concert has been rescheduled for March 2022. Yeah. Not a typo. 2022. Hope he lives that long.
  • Having four cats means you don’t get a good night sleep unless you kick them ALL out of the bedroom. And sometimes you don’t get good sleep even then.
  • I’ve got some poetry that’s going to be published starting this week. A publisher that accepted ALL of the six poems I submitted to them. I keep thinking I should do more self-promo on social media. But that feels too much like having bronchitis.
  • I’m back to using my tiny SE first gen. Yesterday my daughter showed me how to increase the font so I can read without my glasses. That’s when you know you’ve officially arrived at old age.
  • Yesterday my daughter was tested for a thyroid condition. Her brother has Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and since that’s hereditary, we thought it would be good to rule that out for her. The results were swift and good. She doesn’t have it!
  • When you have four cats you spend a fair bit of your day loving them up. And as a consequence you don’t get other stuff done. I mean, like laundry and dishes and making the bed. And whatever else you can think of to blame on the cats.

That’s a wrap. Or a sub sandwich. Or.. better yet.. a Cheeseburger!

Peace,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!


Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-13 Moving Day and Memories

Earlier this week I took my daughter to the gynecologist for her first visit. For me, it was one responsibility in a long list of parenting checklist items. Each thing crossed off the list gets her closer to independence and being more prepared to try and navigate adulthood.

Strange to be walking into the same office I walked into 19 years ago when I was in my second trimester carrying her. My OB delivered her. Dr. Sjulin was the first person to touch my daughter as she came into this world. She was the person who reassured me she was ok as she took care of the things that happen during and after delivery that nobody ever talks about.

As far as I can tell they don’t talk about those things because the memory of them pales in comparison to the frenzy of getting a first breath from and stats on this tiny new human as quickly as possible. The rush of it expedited so she could be returned quickly and safely to the weak and incomprehensibly needy arms of her mama.

She was 6 pounds and 6 ounces and just so tiny. Her head was pink and misshaped from the trauma she’d just been through. But she was perfect. No wonder I don’t remember having stitches. No wonder I don’t remember what was said amongst the staff or anything my husband said. The world is silent in the shadow of a miracle.

In a way, taking my daughter into that office was a kind of Baton passing. Mother to daughter. All the conversation and sharing of experiences wrapped up in these steps toward her becoming an adult. It’s a lesson you want to teach your children.. to take care of their bodies and health. To be educated and to be their own advocate.

That was earlier this week. Last night I sat in her room with her with painters tape and a sharpie. I marked her moving bins and laundry baskets with her name and dorm address. I listened while she worried out loud that she has too much stuff and I tried to reassure her it would be fine.

We’ve talked about this day for a while now. Her moving into the dorm room at the university and what it would be like. I’ve reminisced about her first day of kindergarten and how all the parents were coached ahead of time to keep it together because kids are affected by their parents emotions and if you lose it, the kids will have a hard time.

I did good that day. Camera at the ready I kept my cool all the way into the classroom, seeing her grab the hand of her pre-school best friend as they sat next to each other in the circle of tiny humans. She was so excited and happy. I held my composure until I was out that door and down the hall, headed back outside the building. Interesting that the memory of that is also muted. I only remember details of her in the classroom and not much after that.

Today we’re loading all her stuff into the car and driving toward college. By the time this day is over, she will have crossed another threshold and I will once again be trusting the Universe with my precious baby. It’s hard to trust that she will be ok. It’s tough to let go.

But if there is one thing I’ve learned these past few years, it’s that we don’t have to let go. We can hold on to and cherish all these experiences of our lives. I’m not letting her go. I’m helping her enter this next phase of her life successfully.

There’s been no coaching for this day. Just advice. “Wear sunglasses” they said, so people can’t see you’ve been crying.

To that I say, I don’t care.

My daughter is cut from my cloth. She’s got her own checklist and openly admitted to crying when she drove away from her fathers house yesterday. She talked about being really sad to think about not being with her brother anymore. Which I had not considered.

Being divorced, we’re all long used to being apart for days and so I positioned her leaving for school as just a longer time away. For her though, she’s always with her brother. They may not always see eye to eye but they are always together at home, at school, in the car, and on vacation. When she said to me that being apart from her brother was making her really sad, it hit me hard.

She also worried that telling me that might hurt my feelings in some way. Yeah.. that’s MY girl! Sensitive and empathetic. Intelligent and creative. Beautiful inside and out.

I’m excited for her. Also anxious, and nervous, and sharing in her swirl of emotions. I think I’ll be able to keep it together if she does. But the moment she breaks down, it’s game over for both of us.

That’s it folks. Time to stop walking and start doing.

Cheers to Moving Day,
~Miss SugarCookie