2019-11-13 Wild Wednesday Rant

Yesterday I sort of gave myself a day to finally unwind from the weekend and from the rush of Monday when there were so many things due. I say sort of, because at every turn there seemed to be some reminder of how far behind I am. Wedding planning, getting my son caught up on missing assignments, etc. not to mention all that “just in time” stuff like daily chores and meeting my mom for lunch and then helping her troubleshoot her printer for an hour which, would have probably taken 10 minutes if I was physically at her house. But over the phone, with her telling me only parts of what she’s seeing and doing pushing buttons, it was a challenge. But I don’t want to talk about any of that. I really don’t.

No. That’s not true.

I guess if there’s one thing I sort of mentioned already that I kind of want to elaborate on, it’s my son’s slip back into familiar bad behavior with school that opens a whole set of emotions for me. And this crosses over with my internal aggression toward some punk kid in my undergrad class who is a nice kid really but he’s just a kid and ignorant about finding the right words to express his opinion. It’s a free country, yes. You can say what you want but you should also realize your words and have consequences which include people wanting to pin you down and pummel the stupid out of you like that kid Ralph in the movie A Christmas Story.

It’s tangential, really. This classmate of mine is young and is of the opinion that video games are great and you can learn a lot from them and some have really great stories. While that might be true, all I know is that games and the internet and all the electronic distractions our kids have at their fingertips is not making my job as a parent any easier. My son is addicted to them. It’s a huge factor in his issues with motivation and school.

Addiction means that he just craves it, can’t seem to help himself, lies about it. Sneaks around the house like a thief in the night and hijacks other people’s power cords when his have been taken away. Meanwhile the gradebook doesn’t look so good and he’s back up to like 12 missing assignments. Half of which are math, a subject he’s good at. When questioned about it he shuts down. I’ve literally sat in his room with him the last two nights and did my homework so I could monitor him doing his. Half the time he just sits there, head on the desk.

He argues that there’s no point to homework which I combat by saying it’s one way people learn and necessary because it’s a requirement. It’s part of the grade and has to be done. That’s not enough for him to do it. And it’s a far cry from making him want to. He just shrugs. Did I mention I’m exhausted and at my wits end?

Back to this kid in my class. He went on a total rant about video games, after which the professor offered up the question about the video games being designed to make you want to sit and play for hours. This punk just says, maybe the corporations make the game designers do that. Well, duh! So what, these designers have a gun to their head writing code that makes my son spent 4 hours solving a level or quest? No… I’m sure they are totally into it and probably, by the way, also serious gamers themselves. With an exception.

They probably have self control on their side and have learned to balance work and play. Probably.

This kid also started apple bashing and his arguments were so shallow and mis-informed I almost could not hold back. But I did. I just sat in my chair and tried to singe the end of his hair with my fiery glare. The most I said was “I think the key to this and a lot of other things, is moderation”. And at that point, we moved back to more relevant topics for the class.

(All that got started by discussing an essay by Eric Campbell in which one of the things he talks about is the Instagram poets/poems.)

Later in the same class I notice another student with his Apple laptop open. And I was somewhat soothed knowing that this kid probably didn’t just piss me off and that his comments were not really directed at me. He likely pissed other people off too. I digress, again. I have to let it go.

But wait.. one more thing on that… if he was trying to come at me directly trying to address something I said about video games, it may have been because I said the whole ending of his poem should be rewritten because the chronology didn’t hold with the rest of the narrative. Some people have not learned how to take constructive criticism. Ok. Now I’m done. Maybe.

I’m still faced with the fact that it’s Wednesday and though my son has finished all the math homework, he’s got the other subjects to attend to. It makes for a long week, for both of us.

Time now for Jazzercise, and then to the tile store, and the grocery, and the tailor, and that’s all before lunchtime. 🤷‍♀️

Peace out,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-11-10 Not the Conclusion I Had in Mind

Friday I wrote about my latest assignment— to do something uncharacteristic and uncomfortable and then write about the experience. Well, folks, yesterday I definitely did that. The day was an extremely long one which started at about 6am.

I planned to give a “talk” at barcamp omaha and doing any sort of public speaking is way outside of my comfort zone. The short story is that I did it and didn’t die. The longer story? Well that’s the assignment isn’t it.

I’m supposed to record as many details as I can.. sensory input, bodily reaction, conversations, interactions. The hard part about that, which I realize now that it’s all over, is that I’m supposed to take all that and write a poem. But something in me is not feeling that. I’m not sure why. I kind of don’t even want to write about it at all. Weird.

I mean.. I did the thing. Like I said, I woke up early (half an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off). I was already a ball of nerves and anxiety by like 7. I did some morning chores and gathered everything I needed for the day. Soon after that I headed out the door for downtown.

Perhaps it just feels overwhelming still, because there is too much to put into words. I did the thing and then it was over and that’s when all the best parts of my day started to happen. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like writing about it, because there are so many other things I’d rather write about.

It’s not the conclusion I thought I would be writing today, but fuck it. I just want to write what I want.

On Friday I had talked to my daughter about my plan and she expressed interest in coming to watch. I gave her all the details and even promised that I would try and schedule my session in the middle of the day to give her time to wake up and get moving. The talks are every half hour starting at 9 but I had to be there at 8 to get the time slot I wanted. She was coming from her dads house and I wasn’t sure she would actually get up and drive downtown. She did.

My talk was at 1pm, right after the lunch that I didn’t participate in or eat because I felt sick and too nervous. She showed up, on her own sweet time, at 12:45 and I actually had to go outside the building to direct her on where to park. She had never driven or parked downtown before so that was a new experience for her.

It was actually sort of nice to have that last minute distraction to take my mind off of what was about to go down. We came in the building and made a straight line for the room my talk was in.. where I had reserved a seat for her in the front row right in front of me. She has anxiety too and for me, being in the front row and not seeing people behind me helps me focus.

The talk was about 20 minutes which I mostly read off of my laptop. I realized the day before when I started to put together in my mind what I wanted to say, that it would be easier to just write it all out. Then after if was all written out, I decided I should just bring that, read some of it and then improvise when more details were needed. So that was that.

During my “reading”, when I got to the most emotional component, I started to lose it up there in front of all those people.. and there was my darling daughter right in front of me, a huge part of what I was speaking about. I looked at her and steeled my nerve and pressed on.

I powered through the rest and as predicted, had about 5 minutes left for Q and A. I actually gave the audience a choice.. they could either ask me anything they wanted, no subject being off the table -or- I could read them a few of my poems. The resounding answer was poetry and I could not have been more pleased and relieved.

I read three poems I’ve had published and called it good and done. After I had several people come up to me and introduce themselves saying that some part of my story resonated with them. That made me feel good. One gal just thanked me for sharing saying that the more people share their struggles, the more we know we’re not alone. It’s so true!

Z and I stuck around in that room for the next two talks and then decided to split. It was 2:30 in the afternoon and neither of us had eaten yet. We went to the tap room for cheeseburgers and fries and had a great chat. We talked a little about my “talk” and she admitted to getting emotional too, when I did.

She said, “mom, I was there too”. And as a parent you know that when you struggle your kids are affected, but you hope it’s not going to screw them up too much. Still, it meant the world to me that she came to support me, and that she sees that life is hard sometimes, sometimes heartbreaking, and that you just do the best you can. And.. that whatever it is, it is most likely temporary. Even the pain from losing a loved one, though it never goes away and is always a part of you, does get softer with time.

It’s a good message and I felt like the talks (not just my own but others too) along with the conversations afterword were a good experience for her. It was a proud parenting moment and that means more to me than any stupid anxiety or public speaking fear.

Instead of just giving her advice and telling her how to try overcome her anxiety and fears, I showed her. I modeled good behavior, I’m sort of just now realizing that! Go me!!

After the Tap room we visited an establishment in the Old market she had never been to, Hollywood Candy. The place is part candy store, part museum, part antique shop… and 100% what happens when a hoarder has a lot of money. $1.75 for a Twix bar.. no way man. That’s insane!

Ask me sometime about the dirty little secret I know about Hollywood candy. It’s a good one!

There’s more that happened yesterday.. so much more and I didn’t go to bed until 2am. But I’m going to stop there. I guess I wrote more about my talk than I intended so that’s good. I’m still not sure it’s the right stuff for a poem. I’m not sure what I will turn in tomorrow. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve got stuff to do today and am picking Jim up at the airport in a couple of hours so I gotta scoot.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-10-12 Great Day’s and Girls Only Getaways

I ended my post a few days ago with “Tomorrow’s Gonna Be Great.” And indeed it was and how did I know that? How?

On Wednesday evening when I was walking the treadmill and thinking and writing I was sort of in a sour mood as I had been running around all day and did not accomplish much. The things I did get done were not very satisfying. I guess I was thinking (or hoping) that the day to follow was going to be better. Perhaps more self-fulfilling prophesy than premonition. Whatever it was.. the next day (Thursday) was really great.

Of course because it was great, I didn’t have time to write about it and the day that followed that (yesterday) was pretty stellar too and super busy. No time for treadmill or writing or even just sitting and thinking about stuff. Is that why the past two days were so great, because I was busy and had no time to spare? I would say maybe a little bit, but for the most part no.

Yesterday is still so fresh in my mind and far overshadows the day before that. It all started a few weeks ago when my Z sent me a text message about a concert she wanted to go to on October 11th. Skillet is one of her favorite bands (in her top 5) and she begged me to go but the closest show was in Kansas City. KC is about a 2.5 hour drive (2 to the outskirts where the Airport is) and so it is a pretty quick little road trip for us. Not that the road trip part of it mattered, because we both love road trips so even if it was 7 or 8 hours we probably would have gone. I actually briefly considered the Oct 10th show in Chicago. That would mean she would have to miss school though which would be bad parenting (not that I haven’t bent those rules before in certain circumstances).

The reality is, my time with her at home is really getting short now and a year from now she will be off at college. I want to take advantage of any opportunity I can to spend QT with her. The fact that she is 17 and still thinks of me first when doing this sort of stuff is pretty great and I knew it would be a good trip for just the two of us. I actually had other plans I had to cancel (the Phil Collins concert in Omaha), which I was really looking forward to (because I’m an old nerd), but it was totally worth it.

As it turns out, with Parent Teacher conferences this week the kids had a 4 day weekend so there was no school Friday. This meant we could leave at whatever time we wanted and take our time and make a whole day of it. I had several things to take care of in the AM before leaving (work and also the last harvest of the season before the temps drop to freezing) and after that we got on the road.

I knew I would not want to attempt to drive back to Omaha after the concert so we booked a room at the Holiday Inn Express. We arrived just in time for check-in. Shortly after that, we made a quick run to target for a few things (because every good road trip needs a Target run) and then it was back to the room to get all dolled up for dinner and the show.

The concert was in the heart of downtown KC in the power and light district at the Arvest Bank Theatre (super cool vintage venue). Doors opened at 6 and the show started at 7. There were three bands total and though I dig concerts, the music at this one was not really my thing. The first two bands were extremely loud. I never was a big heavy metal fan and they were both rock approaching metal. Even Z covered her ears for a lot of those first two acts.

The band we came for, Skillet, was a little closer to something I might typically listen to and therefore more enjoyable. She clearly enjoyed it, beaming from ear to ear when each new song she recognized started. It was a medium sized venue, so there were really no bad seats, but we were in the very top section, with all the other people who don’t stand during the show. We were at the end of a row so she had a perfect view of the stage. It was so great to see her so happy.

The whole thing lasted about 4 hours, which included us getting half way to the car before realizing the sweatshirt we bought was the wrong size and had to walk back to exchange it. I’m not sure what time we arrived back at the hotel but I was wiped out and ready for bed. I fell asleep as she was messaging with a few of her Cali friends and someone who was in a time zone where it was only like 2:30 PM – good grief where in the world must that person be?

The room was too cold and the pillows were just all wrong for me and so I did not sleep well at all. I was actually awake at 5:30AM and contemplating sneaking away to the hotel exercise room to walk and write. I didn’t though. I just turned the heat up and laid there for a while. Eventually I pulled out my laptop (yes, the new shiny) and .. waa-la.. here we are.

If it were up to me, we would be going down to take advantage of that “free” HIE breakfast right about now, but she’s still fast asleep.

I suppose I could climb back in bed and see if I can remember why Thursday was so great or what was so different about Thursday compared to Wednesday. Some days I think it’s just a mood or a vibe. Today will probably be good because we get to drive back to Omaha and then I get to spend the rest of Saturday with my fiancé without any obligations. Keep those great days coming!

Cheers to the Weekend!

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-09-16 Just Shrugging Along

Monday again and I had class which felt really long today. We finished a class exercise we started last week and it took 77 minutes. I didn’t count .. the prof was apparently keeping track. It makes me realize these things are sometimes just as tedious (or more so) for the person dreaming up, conducting discussions about, and then grading assignments. There’s a teeny-tiny fraction of a percent in me that thinks that would be good, fulfilling work. Working with aspiring writers. Watching them grow and flower. The rest of me is like.. “nope”.

If I ever become a teacher I think middle school would be my main Jam. Fresh minds who need to be introduced. Not jaded human beings who have already suffered enough to want to write through their pain. I dunno. /shrug

Anyway.. class was ok and I happily turned in my poems and reading response and feel good about that. Rewind one hot minute Before that and next week’s assignment was passed around. This weekly class thing, yeah, I remember how this works. Kinda. I’ve been spoiled by a program with big deliverables and deadlines but a lot of time in between to work with. We have to be good at time management (which is sometimes a problem for me because of procrastination), but I can crank it out if I need to. /shrug

Monday again and the kids are back and I’m catching up on the parenting thing, checking grades and trying to cook a meal. My Son is already struggling and I went to bat for him convincing the powers that be that he can do well if he’s motivated. He said he wanted to take AP World History. “It’s one of the toughest classes at the high school”, I said to him.

He said “I know, I can do it”. I want very much for him to be right. I want him to show them what I already know.. that he’s a very intelligent. He has a logical, and strategic mind. He’s got a huge capacity for vocabulary and great reading comprehension. He just needs to be interested or he shuts off. Now I know life doesn’t hand you “interesting” on a silver platter calling it your life. Nope. But in this one case I’m hoping he’s not all talk and no action. What’s a mom to do? /shrug

My darling daughter had a baby sitting gig this evening and I had about 10 whole minutes to figure dinner out (because of unexpected traffic after class) and I said “chicken in a skillet and Mac and cheese?”. She said “no”.

I said “pizza rolls?” She said “ok”. I made pizza rolls in the toaster oven (and started the chicken and Mac for C and I). When she came down the stairs she looked at the plate with a frown, “I’m not eating that and I don’t have time anyway”. She grabbed a package of pop tarts and went out the door. Grrrrr.

The pizza rolls were offered to every other human in the house and it was a big fat round of “no”s. Fine. Whatever.

I ate 3 to spite them and dumped the other 9 in the trash. /Shrug

I mean none of the things on the menu tonight were very healthy. I admit it. I didn’t go to the grocery store today for supplies. I’ll go tomorrow. /shrug

What else is there? (I’m doing an hour on the treadmill tonight to make up for the lack of exercise I did today, my butt in a chair most of the day). I dunno. Work maybe? There’s been a flare-up in the last few weeks and right now it feels like the hours I’ve put in are pro-bono. There no bucket to log my time and I know how this goes. We gotta our in some work and then if the project gets picked up for real, then it will be billable.

What can I say? I’m on the bench right now and they are still covering my health insurance. So I kinda feel like I owe my employer anyway, for keeping me on and covered. So I do the requested tasks, which are all not too difficult, and see where it leads. /shrug

Speaking of health insurance. My kids still don’t have any. And my ex is ignoring my requests to help pay. He’s a total ass-hat and I’m going through paperwork which is super painful with the DHHS and the hospital. I hate hate hate it! I don’t want to think about that or it will pull me from my /shrug down to mind on fire driving a burning stake straight through his left eyeball. Nobody wants that.

Simmer down.

Simmer down.

/shrug

That’s better.

I’m on a new sleeping plan prescribed by my fiancé. We are, one thing at a time, eliminating factors that impact our sleep negatively to try and find the thing that’s going to help improve the situation.

Step 1: Remove the cats from the bedroom area. No more walking back and forth all night, taking baths right by my ear, and sleeping with their fluffy bits in my face.

Step 2: Stop drinking water several hours before bed to reduce waking up to go. Yes, we’re old. Whatever.

Step 3: Use a noise app to generate white noise. Not sure why that’s a thing but I know lots of people who can’t sleep if it’s too quiet.

Step 4: Reduce caffeine intake. Oh, this! We’ll see. Never really been successful trying to do this. Willpower = weak sauce. More on that in another post soon I am sure. Maybe /shrug

Fitbit now has a “sleep score” and even if you get like 8 hours, it can still be poor. Though I’m sure duration is a factor in that score. So all of my nights of sleep are “fair”, not good. Good would be my new goal though hitting my last goal, 7 solid hours was a dream realized only for a short time before it tanked again. Makes me think my issues are chronic and or age related.

Yet, Jim is hopeful this will work for me so I have to have a little faith too. Still… /shrug

Times up! Time to shrug my way into pajamas and onto the couch.

Xoxo,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-07-08 What’s a Girl to Do?

It’s been a few days since I’ve had a moment to myself to even think about life, let alone write about it. We had a pretty great holiday weekend.. mostly chill and the main excitement was getting our new little kitty, Doug, acclimated to the house and the other cats. We started that on the morning of the 4th and by Sunday night Doug and Kayla we’re getting along better than expected. Emma, as predicted, has not emerged from the room she hides in and when one of the other cats goes in, she retreats behind curtains and under the bed. Poor thing. We suspect she was abused or potentially wild from the start of her life and will probably never get used to normal house kitty life. But every kitty needs love and a safe home so that’s our main goal with that one now. 🐱💕

My kids came back home yesterday from their dad’s house and we did lunch out and a movie. My daughter is Gaga for everything Marvel so we went to see the new Spider-Man movie. It was good. End Game is a tough act to follow and they did a great job with that. The plot was slow to develop and a little predictable but the characters were good. It was a great choice for a Sunday afternoon.

It always feels much better in the house when the kids are home. If they are gone too long I start to feel like things are “off” and I noticed my mood was much improved when they came home. What in the world am I going to do when they leave for college??!! I’m really kind of hoping Z does choose UNO so she’ll be close to home, but I’ll try my best to support her wherever she decides to go.

I’ve got a few more years with C and I just have to try to make the most of that time. He struggles with school and I worry about what the future holds. He says he wants to go to a 4 year school but he’s not going putting in the work required. I actually don’t think he knows what he wants, beyond playing his video games. People tell me “he’s got time”, but I’ve seen his patterns of behavior over the last 6 years and not much has changed.

This next school year he will be a sophomore and it’s going to be very interesting. Here’s a kid with an IEP who has a B-/C+ average that does well in subjects he is interested in and basically ignores the rest. The word “ignores” translates to reading or sleeping in class which results in poor outcomes. He can get an A in history and did well enough in his Freshman year to get into AP History this year, yet failed Spanish and got a D in Woods. He’s a smart kid with his own agenda. I guess time will tell what that will lead to. I just wish I could help him more.

For now we’re going to try and enjoy the rest of summer, doing the things we love to do together and let go of worrying about the future. They are both great kids and I’m acutely aware of how fast the time goes. If they are healthy and happy and feel loved.. for now that’s all that matters.

We are going on a family vacation at the end of July and that’s going to be a pretty big adventure, but I can’t think too much about that either because most of my focus is shifting to my MFA residency starting in less than a week. Not only is that 10 days away from the kids and Jim, but it’s the start of my 3rd term which I’m trying very hard not to freak out about. I’ve had a lot of time to prepare and I still dont feel ready. I guess I just don’t even know what “ready” would look or feel like.

Today I’m going to work more on my proposed reading list and goals as well as draft a few short paragraphs for potential topics for a craft essay. Perhaps if i get some things down on paper I will feel more prepared. Perhaps.

In any case, whether I’m ready or not it’s happening and it will all turn out just how it’s supposed to. That’s life. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve got a lot of other stuff to get done today too and it’s Time now to get that Monday party started. Peace Out!

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-31 May the Thirty First

It’s the last day of the Month and at the present moment I’m looking at myself in the mirror and asking “What have YOU done?”. This constant soul searching is quite draining. But literally.. I’m on the treadmill in my basement that faces a mirror and I’m staring at myself. Seems pretty vain but it’s right there. It’s hard not to.

My observations?..

My hair looks good today. I washed it yesterday and it always looks best the day after that. My natural waves are clinging to each other in ringlets, loose and fluffy-ish on top with tighter spirals underneath. I straightened my hair for years and years trying to fit an ideal that was established by goodness knows who. Fashion people somewhere? Rich people? Skinny people with equally skinny hair. It’s just not natural to spend so much time trying to shape yourself into someone else’s picture of perfection.

I can say that my life is tremendously better now that I’ve gone ohh-la-la-natural. For one, I have more time now that I’m not spending an hour with a hair dryer and fat-barrel curling iron every time I wash my hair. And the other is that it’s liberating to not give a fuck what people think. The bonus plan is that I actually think it looks better this way. Yeah, I’m totally digging that “I woke up like this and so what” look.

I really wish I could say the same about my stomach and butt. But improving one’s self takes time and patience and the best changes don’t happen overnight. I still wake up everyday thinking about my weight and food and what I might strategically eat today and when. I’m constantly mentally calculating what I ate and drank yesterday and what that did to my number. You know the one… on the scale.

The first thing I do when I get out of bed in the morning is pee and strip naked and step on the scale. The second thing I do is go to my closet to put on workout clothes and pick up my phone (which I keep in the closet overnight and not by my bed) and log my weight in my Fitbit app. These are such routine behaviors for me at this point that I feel like something is wrong if things don’t start that way.

When I say “improving one’s self takes time”, I’m not talking about working off excess pounds so that the stomach is flatter and tighter. I’m talking about feeling ok with my shape the way it is now. Accepting my body and not being so highly critical of myself. It’s about not letting the dominant thought in my head be about how I look. I did it with my hair so I can certainly do the same for the rest of me. Right?!

I can’t actually see my stomach or butt from the treadmill. That’s probably a good thing. I can see my eyes and I have slightly smudged mascara because I didn’t wash my face before going to sleep last night. I basically walked into the bedroom, pulled the sheets back, crawled in and went to sleep. I slept straight through to 6am when Jim’s alarm clock went off.

I got up this morning and cooked him breakfast and sat on the couch and chatted while he ate. I clutched the cup of hot tea from two days ago I reheated in the microwave while the salmon was waiting to be turned over in the skillet on the stove. I can’t even waste a cup of tea.

When he’s done eating he gets up and kisses me goodbye and heads out the door for work. And there I sit, in my workout clothes holding the cup of tea that I’m not drinking again and I think, “this is my life now”. I’m not sure how long I sat there before I got up.

Yesterday I insisted that I was going to go to Jazzercise despite the fact that i didn’t feel good. It was a mistake. I did it and then spent the rest of the day feeling worse. I napped instead of going out to lunch with a friend and I wouldn’t let go of the internal argument of whether it would be better to rest and relax and recover or push hard through whatever it was that had a hold of me. Some strange, sneaky unwell feeling that didn’t have a definition.

When my daughter says she doesn’t feel good I ask “does your head hurt? Is it a stomach ache or cramps or do you feel nauseated? Do you have aches and pains you can point to or body parts you can name? Can you describe it as sharp or dull or throbbing?”.

What if the “ache” is a heavy heart or worried mind? What if you have anxiety of known or unknown origins? What if the sky is too big and it all just feels like too much or worse, that it doesn’t matter at all how you feel?

What if that girl you used to know finally died of the cancer that crept through time and sank it’s teeth in her bones, leaving behind two babies who will only ever remember their mom as a person fighting for her life for them. They won’t know the 20-something strawberry blonde, full of life, who hung out at Billy Frogs with you on Fridays after work, laughing at stupid things and drinking terrible cocktails and splitting nachos.

Or .. What if that other girl you barely know was raped and wrote a poem about it and posted it on Twitter? What if you wanted to hold her up and give her strength but you didn’t know what to say?

And what if that other girl you know really well because you have given birth to her is getting ready to fly away and the world she’s flying into is wrought with terrible things and terrible people and you can’t protect her from any of it?

You can’t stop time and you can’t keep bad things from happening and you sure as hell cant unmelt the polar ice caps or save all the creatures of this world from meeting their doom because human beings are incredibly selfish and sometimes only think about things like how their hair looks when they wake up in the morning.

You just can’t. But you might feel better if you write about it. So you do that, hoping that it will. “Hope is not a strategy”, but it will have to do today. Today on this thirty-first day of May.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-05-28 Tyrannosaurus Tuesday

I’m certain that you thought it was Taco Tuesday. You probably woke up this morning, like I did, thinking about tacos. No? Ok.
Yesterday I was just mad. Mad, I say, about everything. It was one of those days that every little thing was shredding my nerves, and I could simply not relax. I checked the calendar to see how far away the start of my cycle is because I was sure PMS was to blame. Still 11 days away so that can’t be it.
I was so teeth-grinding mad that I was planning on writing a grand, tyrannosaurus size rant today and that actually made me feel slightly better. Funny thing that. I really want to try not to do that though, well, I’m on the fence about it actually. On one hand it might make me feel better and on the other hand I want to try, as much as I can, to send only positive vibes out into the Universe. You get what you give, you know?
Soooooo…. instead of a Dinosaur size rant, I’m going to write about the dinosaur size amount of love and respect I have for my amazing Pudding Pie. My daughter, who is 17, would probably be mortified by the fact that I’m telling people what my nickname is for her. Some days, I will try to guess what might bother her and I’m often wrong  –  like 100% of the time (as most mothers of teenage girls are), so perhaps she would not be upset at all.
Today she is taking final exams for her junior year in HS and at the same time having her first day of college. That’s right.. she’s not even out of HS and already taking a class at UNO. The university has a program called summer scholars and it’s only for high school students. They get to live in the dorm rooms for a week and are also enrolled in one entry level class on campus which lasts the entire month of June.
The program has spots for 90 kids and they had to fill out an application, write an essay, and even have an in person interview. I did not know about the program. She found out about it through the school and took the initiative to start the process all on her own. One day she told me about it and the next thing I knew she was communicating with the program coordinator to schedule the interview. Today was the official first day.
We got up super early this morning so we could be at the dorms for check in just after 6:30AM. They get to live in the dorms for a week to get a taste of what dorm life is like. But these are not like any dorm room I’ve ever seen. Each unit is like a mini apartment. There a shared bathroom, individual bedroom for each student, and a little living room/kitchen area. It comes with furniture and a refrigerator and microwave. Her room is on the 4th floor and overlooks a lovely green space.
We got through the move-in process pretty rapidly and then hopped back in the car to get to school. Due to lots of snow days this past winter, the school year was extended into this week. Normally the kids would not have school past Memorial Day. Missing her first two days of class at UNO is not ideal, but taking finals and finishing strong is a priority. In case you missed it.. I’m extremely proud of her for taking this on and all the other things she’s doing.
Not only is she finishing Jr. Year AND jumping into college, but she also draws and paints and is quite good (her instagram is https://www.instagram.com/draw4life_15/?hl=en ). She loves anime and writes her own fan fiction and creates videos to accompany the stories. She has a Youtube channel where she publishes the videos (Zoella Dragneel) which, last I checked, had 7191 subscribers. That’s incredible right??!!
Last night we were heading to the market and she was asking me what words rhyme with “faces” (among other words), and I asked what she was doing. She said “I’m writing a poem”.
I said that was awesome and asked if it was for an assignment. She said “no, just felt like it”. I completely melted. She read it to me as we drove and it was really quite good. Of course I’ve got parental bias, but there were a couple of lines that were strikingly great. That’s my Pudding Pie. 😜
She’s got a good sense of direction in life already and has an internal motivation that’s sometimes absent in teenagers. If there is one thing I want to make sure of, it’s that she understands that her future is hers and there are so very many possibilities. I want to encourage her to choose the path she wants to be on and not feel pressure to go against her instincts because of some limitation or someone else’s expectation. Based on comments in her latest video (a 1 year anniversary “thank you” video), I have no doubts that she will continue to “go her own way”.
Anyway.. so that’s a much better thing for me to focus on than all the other silliness in my head. I’m quite certain I have turned my own mood around by writing this and am starting the week off right instead of sour. Cheers to you all.
Now… about those tacos…
Until Next Time,
~Miss SugarCookie