2020-01-21 Nothing to See Here, Just a Little Clucking Going On 🐥

I know what I’m gonna want to know 5 years from now when I look back on this day. That it was 0 degrees when I woke up and I didn’t want to leave my house and oh, by the way, I’m getting married in 11 days and trying really hard not to freak out.

It’s gonna be fine, ya’ll. It’s all gonna he just peachy. But really I’m having a hard time with my brain. The lack of focus is serious and I’m sort of like that chicken with its head cut off or trying to cross the road and not knowing why or something else like that which has everything to do with being a chicken and making excuses for my behavior.

Yesterday I had a date with my mom and sister for lunch for my sisters birthday (which is today) and I completely spaced it. That’s so not like me. I’m typically a really reliable human being. But there I was, standing in my kitchen at 11:42am trying to decide what to eat for lunch. Then I get a text from her “you coming?”. Total face palm.

I felt like such an asshole but what can I say. There’s no excuse really. I’m not actually a chicken so there’s no excuse.

In related news, I’m supposed to go to a comedy show with her Saturday courtesy of her fiancé and when I told her I’d take her out to dinner before the show she says, “what show?”. Double face palm. Was that supposed to be a surprise and nobody told me?! Whelp, that one is not really on me I think.

Anyway, I’m wandering around like I’m from Iowa and tried this morning to put together a to-do list. Today that involves one last meetup with the gal from the event space to finalize preparations and check the AV setup and make sure that all works smooth with what we have.

As I type this I’m taking video of the cats in the kitchen to see how much video I can get on the memory card I have. We’re doing our own since it costs like $$$ to hire a human being to push a button. I’m so cheap.

It does bear repeating though that anything and everything with the “W” word attached costs like a gazillion dollars more than it should. Literally hundreds to thousands of $$& to get someone to take pictures for a couple of hours. I called this morning to see how much the cleaners near our house charges to steam the dress (it’s kinda wrinkled) and she said $85. Wut??!!

That’s 85 bucks to produce some steam near the skirt and get the wrinkles out. I bet I can do it for free. I just don’t want to ruin the material but how hard can it be? As long as the hot iron does not get pressed down on the dress. That’s the kind of thing I’m wandering around thinking about.

Oh, and I missed Jazzercise this morning because I was pressed for time to get some progress on a work project before my 10am meeting but now that’s being moved to Thursday. But it’s ok I missed Jazzercise cuz it’s still single digits outside. Brrrrrr. I do have to go to Nuri at 11 but now I’ll have time to take a shower and get dressed like a proper human.

What else? Oh yeah, because it’s my sisters birthday today, that means it’s also my exes birthday. That would be Matt not Brian. I was thinking about him last night and a little melancholy. I hope he’s well. He probably does not know I’m about to get married. I mean, he knows I’m engaged but there’s really no reason he would have insight into when. We have a few mutual friends but nobody that’s coming to the wedding.

I always thought we would get married someday, but that life never happened. It’s strange to be thinking about that with about a week and a half before I marry someone else. It’s strange to know you still have love for someone like that. I wonder if I’ll ever really be over it? And is that ok if I’m not? Does it take anything away from Jim or our life together? I don’t think so.

I think the depths of the human heart are vast and the capacity for love is great. I don’t have to let go of anyone I’ve ever loved. I can just hold it all in a special place inside and know that it’s just a part of who I am.

I wonder if I should wish him happy birthday? There’s no harm in that right? I dunno.

***

I’ve got to go check the video camera and move my 10am meeting to Thursday. Perhaps there will be more clucking from this chick later. (Probably not).

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-18 In Two Short Weeks

Yesterday we got our marriage license. Isn’t it amazing it only costs like 32 dollars to get legally married and potentially thousands of dollars to get legally divorced. Alternately, it costs potentially thousands of dollars to get ceremonially married and just two cents to get ceremonially divorced.

Today we met with our officiant and he seems like a pretty great guy. The ceremony itself won’t take more than about 15 or 20 minutes. I suppose the actual ceremony doesn’t cost much either. It’s just all the stuff we think we have to have— decorations, food, cake, flowers, drinks, music, a guest book and pen. Yeah and when it comes to weddings, nothing is cheap. That guest book and pen cost like 15 bucks.

Having that extra day together yesterday was great. We got a ton of stuff done and then got to spend the whole evening together kid-free. It kinda felt like a Saturday and so today kind of feels like a Sunday.

We are doing some cleaning and putting the finishing touches on some things here at the house.

Two weeks from right about now, I’ll be at the event space decorating. Probably my mom and sisters will be helping. Probably I’ll be freaking out. Probably it will all be all right.

I need to walk but I really don’t have much on my mind right now, strange enough. Just happy wanderings. It’s good. Life is good.

Peace,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-17 The Perfect Storm for Dissolving Doubt

It feels like a Saturday because everything is closed. The radar when we woke up today looked like something from the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. A storm cell covering 1/4th of the country, starting in Minnesota and going all the way down into Texas, covering all of Nebraska moving slowly into Iowa. School was called off last night before I went to bed and this AM I was surprised that the alarm did not go off, which meant that Jim’s Office was closed too.

It was perfect timing as we really needed this extra day together to kick the final wedding prep in high gear. We’re making the most of this snow day and have already checked a bunch of boxes. I’m feeling good about things, finally. Mostly I just needed to check with him to review and get buy-in on what I’ve decided- readings, decor, cake, etc. it’s all good.

We are running a few errands today and among them is the courthouse. One of our to-do tasks was to apply for a marriage license. I was sort of on a caffeine/wedding planning/butt kicking high but then the form happened. Nothing kills a good vibe buzz like having to mine your past looking for your divorce date. Why is it with all the paperwork I’ve saved over the years my divorce decree (the official one with the dates) is not in my possession? I literally have my taxes saved back to 1993. I also have most important events in FB back to 2008ish, but not that. Why?

I Ended up digging into my old journal entries to find the exact date. But wowza if reading the surrounding words aren’t a mood killer, I don’t know what is. Not only that, but I found the reason none of it was on FB. I apparently deleted all of it. Or rather.. cut it and pasted it all into that word document at the bottom of my journal entry from March 14, 2010. All the surrounding posts with thoughts, poems, likes, and comments all retained just for this very moment for me to find.

So my divorce was final March 15, 2010 (the Ides!! How appropriate!!!). I kinda remembered that but now I know for a fact that was it. 10 effing years ago almost. And scrolling back through the last 10 years of ones life on FB is trippy.

The last 5 years I’ve not been very active since I hate FB and social media in general. But before that, I apparently posted a bunch. Events, check ins at restaurants, vacations, holidays, etc. I scrolled back through past relationships, Matt and SV and my jobs at OTTR and Methodist Hospital. Lots of pics with people I don’t see or hang out with anymore. Lots of history and also sadness for losing touch with people. Also sort of holding my breath on a few folks I’ve invited to the wedding, hopeful they will show despite not getting RSVPs back (looking at you RH!!!)

Reading that journal entry reminds me how conflicted and confused I was. I was pulling the trigger on a big life decision and yet still held so much doubt. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s exactly how things are now. Doubt is just a part of life I guess and you can never be 100% solid on your decisions.

Things are more 20/20 in the rear view. Getting married at 19 was naive, but i wouldn’t trade it or my life to follow for the world. Getting a divorce was also the right decision. No two ways about it. All the big decisions before and after that have all been good ones. Leaving the hospital after 17 years was good. Leaving OTTR after 5 was one of my best decisions ever. Leaving Matt was also a good call, and now, thinking about all of this, I have gained more clarity on what’s going down 15 days from now.

(Yes.. 15 days to go! 💍💕)

It’s the right decision and my doubt is fading fast. Maybe it’s the adrenaline of this caffeinated snow day that’s got me in this mood. Maybe it’s the worry in me that’s just giving up the fight. It’s losing/lost the battle and walking away. I’m finding myself in the sweet spot between doubt and party/wedding day anxiety.

Jim being here probably has a lot to do with that. He’s such a constant stabilizing force. He’s just amazing. I’m a lucky girl. 🍀💚🥰

That’s enough mush mush for today. What a wild ride for a Friday. Looking forward to the weekend.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-14 A Fast Moving Train

Full speed ahead. 18 days to go and last night before falling asleep I touched my forehead to his forehead in bed and asked for him to help me with my anxiety. He promised me it would be alright and that when it comes to it, he’ll talk me away from the edge. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s all I’ve needed, all my days.

I’ve spent the last hour googling love poems and marriage poems and reading through old and new poems, funny and poignant, long and short. I need a few for the reading we are having as a part of the ceremony and it’s one of those details I’ve been procrastinating. One of the many details.

Things are moving fast now though. The days are numbered (for real!) and as the numbers get smaller, my unease becomes more intense. My to-do list today is about 75% wedding related and 25% work and school.

I’ve been pulled into a project for work which may take like 5-10 hours a week and yesterday I got the feedback for the first half of my MFA thesis manuscript and I’m itching to pour through that. I’m easily distracted by these shiny objects but I can’t put off some of this wedding stuff any longer. What I’m trying to avoid is a mad scramble the last 7 days where I lose my mind.

But.. if I do, Jim has promised to talk me away from the edge. I’m keeping those words in my back pocket.

Getting a little cray-cray is probably unavoidable at this point. I need to just focus to get stuff done. I haven’t been able to write much since returning home from Res. I start but then I just sit thinking and can’t seem to find any words. Even now I’m struggling.

I think I’m gonna cut and run for today.. before this post turns into a Tuesday to-do list.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-10 Frying Pans and Forest Fires

One of my goals at Residency is to blog my experience every single day. I almost made it. 8 out of 10 days made their way into the official record. Then things just started moving way too fast and my priorities and desires went elsewhere (appropriately).

At the time I thought to myself that I would catch up on Sunday but I was in serious need of a down day and had to try and recover mentally and emotionally and get myself together. And, oh yeah, sleep.

My average night of sleep at Res was 4.5 hours. Longest night being 5.5 hours and shortest being 2.5. It’s not because I was staying up late drinking and socializing. It’s just cuz I don’t sleep well during immersion. Too much stimulus and I can’t turn my brain off. I digress.

The other reality when I returned home was that there were responsibilities waiting. Not only did I get tapped on by work for some ASAP stuff, but I also had the return of the kids and daily life. If that was it, no problem. But wait, there’s more.

The procrastination has finally caught up with me and now I’m in a mad scramble to move on some wedding planning details. Meeting with the caterer/event coordinator, ordering a wedding cake, gathering supplies for decorations, and touching base with my officiant who, by the way has not met Jim yet. 😱 I’m compiling RSVPs and thinking about readings and vows and the flow of the events (of which there are two), the wedding and the party the night before).

There are 22 days to go, and counting. I’m so full of anxiety that I can barely eat. I mean, I can eat but I’m walking around all day feeling sick to my stomach. I’m not great at asking for help. I’m not great at accepting help. I need to get over that.

That’s really enough, to keep me off my daily routine. But wait.. there’s more…

Because of the wedding planning, wedding, honeymoon thing, about 2-3 weeks of my semester are going to be lost and I had to adjust my deadlines accordingly. This means that the first packet which includes a first draft of my thesis manuscript had to be moved up. That deadline is today. Yup, 75 pages of creative work organized into a cohesive collection with some overarching theme.

Thankfully, I have about 100 passable poems to work with! I literally put that shit together in the space equivalent to about 2 work days. I have to remind myself that it’s just a draft and I have all semester to revise and move things around. But it had to be done ASAP because it needs to be in the hands of my new mentor who has not had a lot of exposure to my work previously.

My thought process was to get this little nugget to him and then shift my focus back to home and work and wedding planning. It’s not a little nugget, it’s a lot to chew on. I’m hoping he takes a couple of weeks on it. If not, At least a week.

I sent two large documents to him this morning with a substantial letter. I’ve sent a draft of what is sure to be a masterpiece into the universe and now?? Now I release myself to walk on my treadmill (which I have not done in 5 days) and write and truly get my thoughts together.

That pretty much sums things up and brings me to the current moment. I’ve been walking for 40 minutes and will keep on till I hit my hour. Then I’ve got a huge set list of tasks that need my attention. Work, house chores, wedding prep, and a few errands. I’ve really got to just take things a task at a time and not get overwhelmed by the list.

First up is house chores. Yay! 😏

I will say that one of the saving graces of my return home and a big part of how I’ve been able to stay sane is Jim and how he did everything while I was away. He even put ALL the Christmas decorations away. That’s hours and hours of work that I didn’t have to do or think about. It was just done. He’s truly the best and I’m a lucky girl!

Ok.. I think that’s really it now. That’s enough already though right??! 😉

Looking Forward,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-01 MFA Res Day 4 – Sisters of the Star Blossoms

This is the day I’ve been waiting for All My Life

All My Life, Life

My All, I give you my all, all my alll

And everything I have acquired. All

That has been imprinted upon me by this

Cruel and magnificent life. My

Brilliant insignificance and you, your

Unanswerable questions and unknowable elusive answers and endless abstractions. Yes, I noticed it. Thank you. For your gift of the tools and desire to unwrap them. A thirst for Christmas morning. So giddy with anticipation and wonder. Laying awake wondering if it’s time yet. The silhouetted shadow cracking light into the door saying it’s time. Pulse quickening, eyes jumping out of bed and rushing still in a nightgown. Unprepared and as prepared as I have ever been as I was born with all of the essence I had before I met you. Down the stairs, rushing hand on the wooden banister, skipping every other step and picking up speed, Seeing the lights of the tree, twinkling in the dark morning. A bounty spread under the branches, spilling out on the living room floor. Pausing to bask in the wonder for an impossible moment and rushing in. Reckless abandon, fingers sliding under the seam and tearing, ripping, turning over. more tearing revealing. Wild joy as I hold my treasure up, beaming, for the camera to capture the moment. The gift and i In our inaugural moment. Together at last, never to be separated again.

So many gifts to open. This

is what I have been waiting for.

All my life.

***

Yesterday was the last day of 2019, the last day of December, the last day of the decade. The end of the SugarCookie that was and the beginning of the SugarCookie that will be.

We sipped and talked in the lobby of the lodge. We wandered into the library lounge and congregated at the bar and then out again. We settled into overstuffed couches and chairs and put our energy into oracle cards, Kuantans Yin, each choosing one and reading in the book what it meant for us right now, on the precipice of a new day, month, year, and decade. I received Sisters of the Star Blossoms which was impossibly appropriate for my situation right now in life, down to the details only the universe knows.

We wrote wishes for 2020 on paper and then ventured out into the cold Nebraska night to stand in a circle and burn them, sending our wish to the universe. Ritualistically Placing our trust and faith in a higher energy. I believe that if I believe it, the magic will happen.

(Just watch the polar express and try to prove me wrong).

We milled about a little longer, then hugged and exchanged well wishes and wandered down the hallways, some going up and down stairs leading to our separate rooms to sleep and wake up new and changed.

That was four hours ago. I’m not necessarily refreshed of course as four hours is just a long nap but I’m jazzed and ready to roll. Today is my workshop and that’s exciting cuz I love it and also nice as I don’t have to prepare, just show up and listen.

I have two back to back lectures starting at 9am first. Before that I have to get dressed for the day and eat something. Before that I have to finish this walk.

In order to do that I have to finish my current thought. I have so many swirling it’s hard to cut it but I need to do that. I’d probably stay here in the basement for another hour if I had the time. I don’t have that luxury though so I’m going to have to just end it.

With gratitude and love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-12-21 Winter Solstice Baby

We had a great Friday night last night hanging out and talking and randomly flipping through shows to watch, though we never found one. It feels a rare treat to get that QT with my fiancé with no kids and no obligations to go anywhere or do anything.

For a long while we just hung out in the kitchen drinking and he was able to chill while I stayed busy wrapping a few more gifts. The floor around our tree is a cup that runeth over and it’s a beautiful thing to see. It’s mostly things if course, but that’s just the nature of the season. It’s lovely to be able to give the kids what they want. Even the cats have stockings hung on the mantle and gifts under the tree. Yeah, we’re all pretty spoiled and I know that but also extremely grateful.

Today the kid-less train keeps rolling and our big plan for the day is to get down and dirty with the wedding planning (43 days to go 😱) and those conversations are desperately needed by yours truly as the whole thing is something I’ve discovered (like a lot of things in life) that I just wont do without accountability to another person or people. I just need that little extra push push of support to get it, whatever IT is, done.

From Jazzercise classes to writing groups, a little accountability goes a long way. This wedding planning business is no exception. Jim declaring this Saturday as THE day we’re going to get a lot done I’m that department is glorious. Not only will it push me to work on those little things I’ve been procrastinating (like the whole cake thing), but also helps with the feeling that I’m alone on an island and everything is just up to me.

So that’s happening. Not to be minimized though is the fact that it’s opening weekend for Star Wars Episode 9 and that’s a big deal. Huge! We have tix to see a 6:20 show at the Majestic. I’m super excited.

What else? As far as Christmas is concerned, I only have a few things to do Monday that can only be done last minute because they are time sensitive.

I think that’s it. Time is short today since it’s Winter Solstice and the shortest “daylight” day of the year. Let’s go!!

XOXOXO,

~Miss PeppermintDelight