2020-06-03 What a Virgo living in the age of Aquarius does In a pandemic

Set it and forget it. Part of the appeal of doing something right or having trust in someone else doing something that needs to get done and having confidence in their ability is the “set it and forget it” principal. Do it, or ask someone else to do it, and then let you mind let it go.

I dipped on work yesterday and took a day for myself to take care of other business. Today I’ll probably be playing catch up cuz nobody else does what I do. I’m still not essential.. or am I? I’m the lowest person on the team, so all the things that nobody else wants to do come to me. But Don’t take this for complaining. I want my job. I actually love it.

Those days when it’s evident that my involvement is a benefit, I feel satisfaction. I know they need me. It’s good to be needed.

I do have a lot of work today. And in my peripheral vision is a stack of procrastinated things. I keep telling myself I’ll get to that tomorrow. I’m more accountable to my work and now the lit mag than my own life. That MFA thesis? Still in a box on the floor. My daughters graduation announcements? Still in a box in the same pile. My snail mail. Same pile.

You get the point. Other people can trust me to get shit done but I can’t trust me to get shit done. In all fairness, my daughter doesn’t care about the grad announcements so that just me waiting on me. She’s over it. She grieved. She’s moved on. She’s looking forward to college and moving out and living in a dorm and taking classes. She’s looking forward and I’m the only one still stuck looking back.

I told some friends at a virtual meet up last night that I’m a list maker. M said that was a Virgo thing, being organized and I agree. But the truth is that my white board to-do list got wiped of the March things in May and was never replaced. In May I did my taxes. In May i sent my electronic thesis in. 2 of 20 things ive done and quite lost track of the rest.

I used the pandemic as an excuse to let myself go, to let things slide, to do whatever whenever and not really keep track. I used the pandemic to give myself a pass at not being classically Virgo. To not set it and forget it.

Blame the moon. Blame Gemini on the horizon. Perhaps some planet is in retrograde or the earth wobbling more than usual or sun flares are on the rise.

I’m just a Virgo who was meant to be a Leo living in the age of Aquarius. That means that you can trust me. But I can’t trust me. What a sticky predicament to be in.

Well that went to a strange place today. Not exactly what I was thinking about writing about, but it just goes to show that sometime the brain is hiding things.

Now… back to work. And maybe a quick whiteboard session is in order for June.
Maybe not quite yet. 😉

Cheers to hump day,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-28 Hide and Seek

I start walking. I start writing. That’s my way. Lately I’ve felt like it’s all just the same shit on a different day. I’m inches away from getting my MFA in Poetry and I haven’t written anything worthy of a poem in months.

A few times when I took a class with the “Todfather”, I tried fashioning a poem from one of my blog posts and he called me on it. Just that it was all wordy. All I did was take the best parts of the post and put a bunch of line breaks in which is incredibly lazy.

A few other times I’ve done that and it takes a lot of revisions (and a healthy dose of mystical hand waving and reciting incantations to invoke the Poem spirit) to get something that resembles a poem.

But what is a poem? Can’t it just be what it is and not try to be something more or something better? Or something that meets someone else’s definition of a poem.

I can write iambic pentameter like a boss. My end rhyme skills are strong. But that’s no value in this century. I’m not saying I’m Robert Frost, but i believe I could emulate his style a lot easier than I could, say, Natalie Diaz or Ilya Kaminsky. As a poet, I feel like I was maybe born in the wrong century.

Then again, I’m a woman so I would have been screwed either way.

Some accomplished writers will advise you to write every day to keep your creative brain strong and fresh and active. I would say you should include doing revision in that. Some accomplished writers will tell you they don’t do either. They write when the writing comes to them and asks them to write. So there’s no right answer.

My point is. I want to write and haven’t been able to do that. Today I’m going to give myself an hour in isolation with a book of poetry my friend Michelle loaned me. I’m going to see if that stirs something inside me. I need it to.


In other news, my current work team is unraveling like a cheap sweater. Three developers have been kicked off the project (two were fired and one was moved to a different project). Another one quit with no notice and another is threatening to quit.

We’re replacing these people like changing a pair of underwear. But these people are not pieces of clothing, they are people.

And I don’t drink cool-aid anymore so I’m trying not to fit this fucking puzzle piece into something that can work. I’m trying to keep my distance, keep my head down, not insert my opinion or care, but the Universe help me, it’s quite impossible

One of these people, the dev that was moved to a different project, is a friend of mine. It makes my heart hurt. Now the PM is a long time friend of mine who I hold dear and she’s starting to crack. She’s a strong woman and listening to her for an hour last night was so tough. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard this woman break down in tears. I’m fact, I may never have heard her cry before. It fucking sucks.

Part of my job has been to introduce new people to the project and onboard them. She introduces me to them by saying some great things about me and with two new people this week she said I was “the glue that holds the team together”.

No pressure there though right?!

The whole thing is so fucked up.

I was brought on to help out. To bridge the PM gap until she started. To offer documentation support behind the scenes. To take notes and do data entry and do other admin things like coordinate meetings. 10-15 hours a week. Now I’m working more that twice that and last week, with so much personal shit going on, I started to become unraveled too.

I’m nearing the end of my hour in this treadmill and really need to wrap anyway so I can dive into that mess.

By the way, there’s no poetry in all this mess. I mean, there is, but not 21st century poetry that utilizes images and juxtaposition to convey a feeling AND meets the current acceptable standard for what a poem is. Or is there? 🤔

Fuck it!
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-23 Laundry Day 🐱

Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I was on such an emotional edge almost all day and barely made it through all the things I had to do.

I participated in an early meeting with a client in which my only responsibility was to take notes and have my brain on to ask intelligent questions. I had no intelligent questions and spent most of the meeting with my head down on the desk. It’s a good thing that everything is Zoom and with the customer it’s audio only.

To be honest, I’m all Zoomed out.

The second meeting was out daily internal team meeting. I said “fuck it” nobody reads these notes anyhow so I didn’t take notes. I mean, I like having the notes because Confluence makes it easy to search for stuff and when people ask about a certain thing, it makes me seem like a damn genius because I have the answer in like a minute.

Again, had my head down listening to the same broken record conversation as every day and thinking about Z and C and how effed up things are right now, I wept. I literally put myself on mute and fought really hard to keep myself together but then let go.

I was also getting FB instant messenger notifications on my phone from my writing group and one of my friends was going through the loss of a pet and I knew that’s what it was about and it just hurts me to think of her hurting and to remember loosing Louie Louie. My sweet first pet as an adult. It was just all too much.

I took some time in the afternoon to get some more of my annuals in pots before the rain came and then it was back inside for my third meeting of the day… sprint retrospective.

This time I was up front about not taking notes. I told the PM before hand that I was having a tough day and didn’t feel like the internal notes for this wasn’t really necessary. Which was self-serving, but whatever.

This time I had more to say so I had to pay attention for my opportunities. The project is on two week sprints and the devs have established a bad pattern of not getting their tickets done. They are supposed to do their work, internal code reviews with each other and then merge all the code changes into the dev branch where KK and I can log in and do QA testing. The tickets can’t be closed until we QA them. So if they wait until the last day of the sprint (or even worse, the weekend after), KK and I are stuck testing on the weekend. That fucking sucks!

She’s the PM and responsible for steering the ship and helping correct that behavior, but there was some serious push back and discussion. If it does not change with the next sprint (after which we release a new version to the customer), it’s going to murder us. I know it’s going to happen again and that makes me want to cry too.

Last time we released to the customer we went into Friday with so much broken it was sickening. We worked our asses off all weekend. Our bosses bought us lunch on Sunday and the week after I received flowers from the company.

To that I say, that’s nice.. and thoughtful, and appreciated, but it doesn’t make up for the lost time with family or the anxiety that affects my health. If I’m burned out or dead, I’ll be useless to the project. It’s disturbing.

What did I not have to do?

I basically ducked out of three different personal meetups yesterday. Virtual happy hour with my company and I was so wrecked that was the last thing I wanted to do. Another one on one with a friend who I’ve been trying to connect with for a while and I just reached out to her to reschedule. And a third meetup with Josh who wanted to meet in person and I just wasn’t in the mood for dealing with the anxiety of that, nor did I feel like getting in my car to drive to meet him. You know, putting real clothes on and trying to make it look like I hadn’t been crying all morning.

So that’s me venting. And I let go last night and drank a bunch and Jim and I had a good night of saying “fuck it” to everything. We got take out. We talked all evening and I have no idea what time we stumbled to the bedroom.

Today I’m not doing any laundry, except maybe airing this dirty nonsense.

I’ve got work to do. I’ve got lit mag stuff to do. And Z Is coming back home so we can hang out more just the two of us.

My aim? Balance and restoration.

That’s it. Thanks for reading.
Happy Caturday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-12 No Rest for the Wicked Part 2

Yesterday came and went and it was a freaking blur. The deadline at work was met and the team pulled it off. Alpha version 0.0.1 was demonstrated and released to the customer. If that name doesn’t scream “early, early release” then I don’t know what does. In the end, I was left to sweep up the confetti that was left on the floor and make sure the gift bags were passed out. I was so blurry eyed at that point, I was afraid I was going to screw that up.

Half an hour later, we did an impromptu team huddle and our leaders gave praise for all the hard work and basically gave us a day off. One day this week of our choosing. It was intended to be today but a few people lobbied for Friday. Me? I think I’ll take both days and maybe Thursday too. 😜

Every day I steal from Peter to pay Paul. By now, Paul is a very rich man and I think he’s had enough. And Peter is pretty much lying in a gutter with his arm stretched out to me. It’s time for some rebalance in the force. Last night when I was finally released, the first thought I had was that I’ve been a shitty neglectful parent and I have to make that right.

This involves two things.. reconciling the grade book with my son who now has 28 missing assignments across his 7 classes. Plus a D In AP world history. We have a plan in place to get to work but the second I turn my back, he’s gaming again. That’s a work in progress. Always.

The second thing is some serious QT with my pudding pie. We talked and have a plan for that too. We’re going to Don our masks and make a trip to target today to restock makeup, shop for bras and underwear, and buy box hair dye to do something fun with our hair. She wants a haircut and that’s one of the mom things I know I can do well (with her). Her hair is just like mine so it’s easy.

We’ll probably grab some food while we are out today too. If you’re gonna bust out.. better make it a good one!!

I laid out the plan to Jim last night and he was leery of the target run and asked me about masks. That’s his way of trying to urge us to do the right thing. Such an interesting pickle we’re in right now. And when I say “we” I mean all of us here in Nebraska.

What are the rules is anybody’s guess and mostly it’s “on your honor”. So some times it seems like a free for all and some places you go there are signs that say masks are required. Not sure what will actually go down today. Z doesn’t want to wear a mask. And she said “if I have to, I’m going to make my own so it can at least be cute”. Haha!

All of that doesn’t necessarily make things “Wicked” as the title of this post might suggest. I guess that comes in with the 10 other things I’m putting off while I try to have a successful day parenting.

Lit mag meeting today with my co-eic and I’m no where near ready for that. I had to-dos to do and they are not done. We pushed the website launch from May 1 to May 15 and with the issues we’ve had (and a lack of time) it’s just not going to be ready. Thats 3 days from now.

Even if I busted my ass all day today and tomorrow. I think some things are not baked yet for content. And we kinda need one more team meeting to get actual feedback which was supposed to be live feedback, but that kinda got derailed. Long story. It’s just tough to navigate all the personalities. 🤷‍♀️

What else? I’ve been lacking specificity lately so here’s a very fucking specific list of other things I’m procrastinating:

  1. Dropping off or mailing my thesis. 📬
  2. Sending invites/announcements for Z’s graduation. 📩🎉
  3. Finishing getting my garden in.🌸🌱🌺
  4. Keeping in touch with people. 📞💗
  5. Getting the official paperwork done for the kids’ trusts. Nest accounts, and getting my direct deposit redirected to our new joint account. 📃🖊💰
  6. Follow up on the UNL stuff for Z. ✅✅✅
  7. Cleaning the toilets. 🚽 🧽
  8. Following up on my writing/submissions/rejections.📃❌👎🏻 And updating my own personal website.
  9. Opening and Filing my snail mail. 🐌 📭
  10. Fixing my poor eating behaviors. 😂😂🤣

Well friends. If you’re still reading, I’ll be sending you an official certificate verifying your sainthood. By the way, sending that out will be #34 on my actual list so don’t hold your breath. 😉

That’s my hour. Feels good to get a whole hour!

Peace and love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-11 No Rest For the Wicked

I worked all weekend. I didn’t have a weekend. It’s Monday and I’m exhausted. And there’s miles to go and I don’t even have time to say what I want to say or write what I want to write or have the quality time I so desperately need.

A person can do this for a while. You know, but it’s not sustainable and the Universe help me if I haven’t learned my lesson by now. So many trips around the sun. So many missed opportunities to gaze at the moon. Life has handed my a good life on a silver platter and I waste it. Shame, shame, shame on me.

I’m hanging my head low and at the same time, my heart races to dive into things. There’s a light in my eyes when I see the shiny things. And somehow, I just, just can’t help myself.

I do want to get specific here. I owe myself more than these nebulous thoughts. I want to remember what it was today when I get to tomorrow and today turns into yesterday, before yesterday fades into the past.

But there’s no time now. Damnit!!

My fingers are crossed for today and tomorrow.

Tick-Tock,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-04 Much Needed Relief

Somehow yesterday, even as I was lamenting the shit show my week had been, I knew that relief was on the way. I’m not sure if I had this notion because I knew it was Friday AND my period just had to start or if it was just that after several days of rotten strung together like bad sausage, there was bound to be a good one. You know, balance and all that.

Right now, today, it doesn’t matter. It’s Saturday and I’m in my happy place again. The house is still sleeping and I’m getting some steps in.

But I don’t want to dismiss yesterday so quickly, you know, give credit where credit is due. Yes, I finally had day 1 of my cycle and it was like a huge hormone shift. Whether it was the stress of waiting that was lifted or an actual chemical re-balance, I felt the actual shift in my body and mind.

I also had a friend reach out to check in on me randomly. It’s a person who I see maybe once a quarter for a lunch and they just opened a conversation with “hi”. We ended up doing a video chat and it was nice to see a friendly face. He had some good advice about happiness too which was something I know in my heart to be true, but had forgotten while mired in my own self-pitying mood.

It was about paying it forward and remembering that Even if I can’t help millions of people who are suffering, I can help a few and I just need to focus on them. Do one thing to brighten someone else’s day or volunteer in some way and it will make me feel better. It is with that spirit that I say “Thanks Vis, it was great to see you! I appreciate you and your words and kindness”

If you’re following along you might know that Alexa has nothing but bad news these days (unless you ask her for good news), but yesterday there was an encouraging story about how CO2 emissions of the planet are lower now than they have been in a long time. And while we know this will likely be short-lived, scientists are gathering data. It’s evidence that we need to make changes for alternate energy sources (which we already knew) but some people refuse to believe. We can make changes that make a difference for the environment. We can!! It’s hopeful.

Yes, the global economy is in the toilet, but once this pandemic is over we will have gathered enough proof to perhaps convince those nay-sayers to support change. It could be a pipe dream you know. I know that. The almighty dollar is loud and will climb back on its throne again when this is all over. The people who stand for that will still publicly refuse to back alternate energy (and other planet saving efforts). But a girl can dream you know.

Anyway, it was good news yesterday instead of bad. That was a sign.

By yesterday afternoon, I was wrapping up my work week and can now see the rebalance happening there too. I’m shifting into a supporting role. Finally. Next week there are lots of discussions I’m in but I don’t have to facilitate. I just have to bring my brain and my note taking and documentation abilities.

For school, my thesis is finally in good shape. The preface is done and feedback on part of the manuscript is still pending but somehow I feel better about that too. I should get that this weekend and be able to make changes for the April 12 deadline for my 4th and final packet of the semester. Which is also my final packet In the program. Yeah, that’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it. I can feel the light of it warm my skin.

And spring is right around the corner too. The early daffodils are up and the iris are all busting through the earth. The flowers don’t care about a pandemic. They will not be denied their day in the sun!

What else? Oh the lit-mag saga. I had my undies in a bunch about several frustrating occurrences this week and last night I think I came to some internal resolution on how to handle the situation. The conversation that needs to happen with my “co-founder” is scheduled for Tuesday and I just need to pump myself up to say what I need to say. I admit some of my angst is self imposed. I get paranoid and irritated and there’s a part of that which comes from my own insecurities. I realize that.

Some of it, however, is real and those are the things I need to address. It’s a roles and responsibilities thing. It’s a funny money thing, but with titles. That’s all I’m gonna say until next Tuesday when I hope it all gets sorted and finalized.

Again, I recognize that part of my resolution and relief comes from internal factors. I’ve found a kind of peace with myself on several fronts and that’s key. Now I’m not saying it won’t turn on a dime and grow fangs again, because that’s human nature. But whatever good feeling I’m having, I will take it today.

and with that, my hour is up. I’ve got to get this Saturday party started. Lots to do and it feels good to be feeling good about it!

Cheers to the a Weekend,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-03 Nebraska Kind of Moody

Two days ago it was 70 degrees and sunny. This morning I woke up to sleet and a fresh layer of snow on the ground. That’s spring In Nebraska and those wild swings kind of remind me of my mood these days.

Yesterday was another really rough day. There were so many different interconnected factors at work it’s hard to separate and pin down the culprit. I mean when you can’t tell what’s a cause and what’s an effects it’s maddening. And this morning, despite the fact that I’m feeling better, I’m still very much trying to puzzle it out.

But can I puzzle it out without being dragged back down in the mud? Or should I just let it all go and think about what things I have to look forward to today? I suppose the answer lies in whatever is going to make me continue to feel better and like it or not, that’s probably a rehash.

First, the obvious which is the virus. I’ve written a little bit about listening to the news and how it just makes me want to cry. Literally. The last 3 days in a row I’ve asked Alexa for the news and it has left me standing in my kitchen in tears. The answer could be to put myself in a bubble and not listen to the news. It’s an option. But then I think that the crying is just a release that my body and mind need. That it’s cleansing and good.

I also think that there are times that I’m more prone to this spontaneous emotional outpour than others. My period is officially like 4 days late now and PMS is for real yo. I keep thinking that I just need to recognize that and ride it out. When it happens, that too is a release. I will naturally feel better.

The second time I cried was at lunchtime. I had worked for a couple of hours and a minor headache had turned into a migraine (which is also more frequent this time of the month). I had taken some meds but was still feeling incredibly nauseous. Then I read an email that said the governor of Nebraska had declared that schools would not re-open this school year and the students would not make up the time.

It hit me. Hard.

I guess I had this tiny sliver of hope that things would take a turn for the better soon and my kids would get to yet see their friends before summer. Not to mention my daughter getting to have her senior prom and graduation. My heart just sank.

At that moment I walked into the kitchen and Jim had arrived home for lunch. I read him the email and then just burst into tears again. He tried to console me, like a good man. I took the hug and kind words and then retreated to the bedroom to lay down and try to let the medicine work on my head.

The migraine did, eventually, disperse. Albeit slowly. By 2pm I was feeling a bit better and was going to take Jim’s advice and get fresh air by going for a drive. The “drive” was to the pharmacy to get my son’s prescription. In route though I was called back home by an urgent work message.

Some security thing I needed to help with. An employee being let go and my needing to revoke their access to our ticket system. That was followed by an impromptu team meeting where we were told what had happened. Just like that, a guy looses his job. Not sure what to make if that.

Anyway, I didn’t do much work yesterday and, to be fair, I didn’t have a huge problem letting that go and forgave myself for it pretty easily.

I had other things to attend to. Namely my children and the home-schooling situation. So far this week that’s been a huge fail and I was in no mood to tolerate a dismissive “I’ll do it later” attitude. I laid down the law. And finally got some traction.

I mean, my son was taking advantage all week of my working and not having time to get him up and constantly check in. Yesterday he was still lounging in bed with his phone at 3 in the freaking afternoon. I was so angry.

I might have raised my voice, but he heard me. And the only push back I got was when I tried to explain what he had done wrong answering the questions for the math assignments. His grief was more about having to do it over again than anything. Today is the first quiz from home and I want him to go into it knowing how to solve the problems.

After geometry it was AP world history, English, and physical science. I let him let intro to business and marketing go until today. And PE.

Today is fitness Friday when his PE assignment is “due”. I’m a big believer that the physical activity is so good for you and he doesn’t do enough, he’s gonna be sorry he procrastinated when he wakes to find the snow on the ground and the temps hovering in the 20s. He could have done the activity 2 days ago when it was 70, but nope.

All that home-school stuff continued through dinner and into to evening. And for the second night in a row, I sank down on the couch to watch one episode of “Tiger King” before going to bed.

Today I was awake early again (5am) and it’s now almost 7. It’s pretty sad that one of the things I’m looking forward to today is taking a shower. I’m also hoping today is the day I will finally get my flow. I’ve cried enough already. Good grief!! The question is: Should I wait until that happens before I listen to the news? 🤔

In any case, I gotta go get breakfast started.

Cheers to Better Days and Fridays!

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-03-30 Balance and Flow

When you put in the work, sometimes it sucks. But man oh man does it feel good when you’re close to the finish line.

That’s how I’m finally feeling today after putting myself in a box for the last three days. Not only did I need to crank out some pages for my MFA thesis preface, but I also had to complete another round of revisions on the actual manuscript. The due date my mentor and I chose together was last Friday, but he gave me a pass cuz, well the whole world is in chaos for one thing.

And though it’s no excuse, I’m also now being expected to pick up as many extra hours at work as I possibly can. This is mostly because my husbands income is being reduced during this challenging time.

My boss and my team are coming out guns blazing on a new project and I put my PM hat on for the three weeks while the real project manager was wrapping up her current gig. She started last week, thank goodness. I still worked like a full time chimp but this week I’m going to dial it back.

I’m gonna ease into a support role. I love my new PM, for real. She’s a fellow princess. My nickname for her is Princess KK and hers for me is Princess SheShy. Those names were established in the 90’s when we last worked together and became friends. After that she moved on to bigger and better things while I remained in Nebraska.

She’s a rockstar at both team and project management. She can have all that shit. Imma sit over in my corner of the universe taking notes and writing documentation and adding detail to the Jira tickets and confluence. That’s my happy place, keeping quiet and only interjecting when I feel something is really important. It will be easier to keep my damn mouth shut with such a strong leader.

The other thing that starts today for real is online learning for my kids. Last week was dedicated to “enrichment learning” while the teachers figured out their plans for how to teach in their pajamas.

When I pressed my son about doing enrichment work, he just said “mom, nobody is doing that.” He spent most of the week playing video games. My co-workers tried to make me feel better by saying that playing video games was enrichment. Haha! This weekend my email in-box was flooded with tons of instructions and links from all their teachers. Sure, the kids got these also, but who do you think will be responsible for making sure they actually get up and out of bed and on the Zoom meetings? There will be assignments and video instruction and quizzes and tests online.

Yeah.. all that starts today. I have to remind myself that balance is key and also try and take my friend Michelle’s advice and go with the flow. Give myself a little slack you know, partially because it is a stressful time in the world but also because I’m only human and can’t freaking do everything perfectly all the time.

Anyway, all that time in the box this past weekend was rough but I feel great about my progress and almost ready to send those pages off to my mentor. That’s my priority this morning (besides finally getting back to walking on my treadmill and writing).

At 10am I have a two hour work meeting and so the homeschooling will be delayed for a few hours today.

That’s it. Short and sweet. Balance and flow. Time to go.

Peace and Love!

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-03-26 Climbing the Pyramid is a Struggle

My basic needs are being met, and I’m grateful for that. By Maslow’s standards, I’m probably at Safety and while that’s ok, I’m desperate to go higher. But I’m stuck.

So many of my writer friends and acquaintances are writing their hearts out right now. Amid this crisis people are inspired to create. In times when you have more time because you’re isolated you can explore and let your brain wander and maybe, definitely that’s a good thing.

I’m not. And I haven’t been. I’ve got less time now, and feel less isolated, because my sanctuary has been invaded. My time has been raided and from before sun-up to after sun-down I’ve nothing left to give back to myself.

It’s work, which I’ve praised but it has transformed before my very eyes from saving grace to marauder. It’s got to level out soon. I think (I hope) today will be the start of that.

It’s not knowing how to, at the same time, homeschool. Sure, if I was twiddling my thumbs all day I would sit with my children and play task-master, checking in on their “enrichment plans”.

I’m not there, though, you know. I’m still adjusting.. fighting with my ex about where the kids are and why and all my anger and frustration that’s built up over the years comes pouring out. I just hate my ex. After all this time I’m still angry about so many things. Does one ever get over being treated so rotten by someone they love and trust with their life.

How is that possible? How can we have hurt each other so much? And when the bullshit just continues for years and years and you have to continue to take it and try to be amiable for the kids sake, it just doesn’t go away.

Yesterday I ripped him a new one on the phone and he acted like he had no idea where it was all coming from. Like an ignorant ass, he said my yelling was unfounded and something in me has changed. “You’re different now.” He said.

No shit genius. People change and perhaps I’ve grown a spine. Perhaps I’ve also been perfecting my throat-punch and he should be grateful that there’s a pandemic because if there wasn’t I might just go to his place and demonstrate my skills. I just hate him. And that’s a world I rarely use.

My son is here with me and my daughter is at his house. She’s not being very communicative and I’m just hoping she isn’t being persuaded to stay there. Gawd. It’s an awful feeling to know that the kids are stuck in this conflict with us, probably taking shrapnel from our verbal confrontations. It’s got to stop.

So, yeah, I’m just trying to figure out how to shelter in place and not lose my mind. I’ve not yet arrived at master of the art of homeschooling.

Oh, did I mention I’m behind on the whole writing a thesis bit? Or the lit-mag startup. Or, I dunno, supporting my husband and nurturing my marriage which is still less than 2 months old.

I logged onto Facebook today and that was a big mistake. So many people posting about every freaking thing and I just don’t have a positive note to contribute. Just because I say I’m grateful, doesn’t mean I’m bathing in gratitude and finding all the beauty in every little nook and corner. Facebook just makes me feel like shit. And those things I’m seeing are being posted by friends and family who I love. Why can’t I just find joy in their accomplishments and words of encouragement? What the hell is wrong with me?

Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical.

I’ve got a meeting today with the other “co-founder” of this not-yet-a-real-thing on-line lit mag. It’s been a struggle for both of us to find the time. This is a guy I just happened to be sitting across a lunch table from when approached by one of the mentors of the MFA program about this little idea. He’s a teacher and has kids so he’s in the same boat as me trying to juggle life.

We both bring unique and needed skills to the table, but we do operate differently. I like things to be organized and well planned out and he just seems to like to roll with whatever. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just an adjustment for me. We need to get shit done and were still at step 1, which is assembling a team.

Hopefully I’ll get more insight into what that looks like from his communications (which he has not copied me on). I’m a little miffed about that. If you were starting a new project together, it’s good to have Everyone have as much information as possible. So I feel a little bit in the dark on where things stand and can’t make progress forward myself until I’ve got the full picture. I’m sure I’m overthinking and overdramatizing this as usual. Hopeful today’s meeting will actually happen this time and that all will be revealed.

I mean, if our launch date is still June 1. We gotta get in gear and go. So that’s where the “go for it” attitude is such a positive.. we just really need to engage the whole team soon. Again, just hopeful we have a complete list today on who that is. we’ll see.

For now, I have to put that out of my mind so I can get to work. No place to hide.

Stuck at Safety,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-03-24 Turning My Frown Upside-Down

I don’t have anything positive to say today it seems. My mind is cycling through points of irritation about my ex-husband, my current husband’s son, and just not having enough time to get everything that “needs” doing done. Most of this has roots in the current state of the world and the Pandemic.

And frankly I’m so sick of thinking about it, a 7 hour workday with 4 conference calls is a welcome occurrence. What I would like to do is shift my attitude by focusing on the positive. Can I do it? Can it work? Let’s find out….

I still have a job where I can work and earn money in this time of financial uncertainty. Even if my husband was forced to stay home and had to take reductions or pauses in his paycheck, we would still be ok. Which extends to our children of course. But what about the rest of the fam?

I have one sister that manages a Trader Joes grocery store in Denver, which is an essential service so her job is secure.

I have another sister that works at a Google data center in Iowa which has also been tagged as an essential job function (by Google anyway) and in her words, “I’ll be there until I get sick or this is all over.” She’s looking at it negatively but I see that as a positive thing because she can still make moneys while some people don’t have the option. Her’s is a physical job.. server maintenance and stuff I think. It makes me wonder what the situation is with other data centers around the globe. What happens if there is nobody there to maintain the servers and we lose the internet?? 😱

My bro is also in Colorado and I think most of his job, like mine, can be done remotely. He’s an aerospace engineer for Ball. So he’s going to be ok too. His two kids are close to the same ages as mine. His daughter is home from her freshman year at college and his son is in HS and is at home for the duration too. We’re all safe in our houses, which is also a thing to be grateful for.

We have a safe place to sleep and enough food to eat. We have each other here to talk to. We can play games and watch shows and when the weather gets nice, I might even be able to convince my kids to go outside with me.

In fact. It’s supposed to be 60 today and close to 70 tomorrow. I really need to get out of the house for a walk in the fresh air. I admit I’m kind of a pansy when it comes to being outside and being cold, so the nicer weather is a prerequisite. See, I’m kinda spoiled too.

Today I do indeed have another long work day and I’m ok with that.

Well….

That didn’t seem to work. The second I ran out of things to type just now, my mind gravitated back to the situation with my ex and my son not wanting to go to his house. And just like that, back to a grumpy thought puzzle.

I can name at least 7 reasons why my son staying here is a better plan than going to spend time at his dads house. And no matter what my reasons are, my sons reasons and feelings are important too and I want to support that. He doesn’t want to go to his dad’s and that says a lot. I just have to suck it up and not be such a pushover. I also need to let it go, you know, the anger and worry. So what if C stays here? What’s his dad gonna do? Drive here and knock on our door. I don’t think so.

It’s hard for me to imagine how that would go down. I kind of start to daydream about my ex getting his ass handed to him (verbally at least) from my husband. They have met on the phone but not in person. What would it be like if THAT were their first time meeting in person??!! Priceless!! 😂

Ok.. so I guess that daydream is the thing that’s going to improve my mood so imma just roll with it.

Pretty soon now I’ve gotta get to work. I’m currently substituting jogging for Jazzercise (as long as my knees can take it anyway), so I gotta get my jog on now while I still have time.

Here’s to hoping you too can find your happy place,

~Miss SugarCookie