2023-03-08 My Mind is Made Up…

Last week I did something I haven’t done in years. I wrote something that I decided from the start would never see the light of any day. Just me, my thoughts, and my fingers tippity-typing on the keyboard to get it all out. From one angle it was an experiment to see if I still had it in me.. you know, to put so much effort into something that would never be shared. It would never serve a purpose besides helping me get it all out. It would (and will) never be a blog post or mined for potential poetry. I let go and let it flow.

It was a serious rant that went in a million different directions all at once and of course that was fine. I was so angry and frustrated and that’s what happens.

You know what? I felt a little better after. And I felt even better reading it again the next day and found a little peace in my decision to spend time on doing something so “not productive.” But there you have it… if it made me feel better then it was not for naught. The not-productive turned productive.

A few days later I read it again and by that time most of that angst and anger had melted away. It was at that point I decided it was all ok. It’s all going to be ok.

I did make a few decisions while I was writing… about this year and my life. About where I’m at and where I want to go and it’s kind of nice to not be accountable for that to anyone but myself. And I can change my damn mind if I want to, but as of today I haven’t. 

If anything, this week has only served to strengthen my resolve. Change is coming. 

Of course this is coming from a brain that has had zero sleep, at 6AM, from a city that’s hundreds of miles from home. 

When I say I had no sleep I’m not exaggerating. I think we (my hotel roomie) turned the lights out at about midnight and then I fell asleep in about 10 minutes like I do but woke at 1.. and 2 something and then again at 3 something and then laid there till 4 when I decided to get dressed in my workout gear and sneak out.

I also had not one but two Charlie horses or whatever you call those calve cramps that hurt like a son of a bitch. You just can’t sleep after that.

With the two hour time difference between Seattle and home it’s actually 8am right now and the introverted part of me doesn’t care I had no sleep because at least I can be alone. Trust me… there’s no human interaction in the Downtown Marriott at 4:30AM. Even when some dude comes in at 5:30… there’s zero expectation for anything more than “good morning.” 

Which is fucking great! 

I can’t tell you what my new life plan is.. but I can say that I’ve resolved never to share a hotel room again with someone who isn’t my husband or children. NEVER. I just need my own space. And to not feel like I’m sacrificing my own needs for someone else’s. Nope. Never again. 

Seattle?…For what, one might ask. 

For the annual AWP conference for writers and writing programs AND apparently the who’s who of publishers. Hey.. that’s all me! I’m the literal poster child for all that shit. A poster-less poster child though, ha! Just here to see what’s up and maybe learn something new. 

I’m here with several other folks from my team (hence the room share situation) and nothing against my roomie who is quiet as a mouse and a very lovely person, but I’m too old and/or set in my ways or something to do things like this.

What’s “this?”

The conference? Traveling with a team? The room share? 

Yes.. all of it. And that’s how I feel after day 0, travel day, and the conference hasn’t even started yet. 😂

Not sleeping just adds insult to injury and perhaps there will be bright spots that will make this feel worth it, but on the whole, it already feels too much like work. That work-work thing I used to do and got burnt out on. That work-work thing that made me so jaded and cynical about a career and job that I otherwise loved. Yeah.. THAT. 

It’s also the work-work thing that made me miss out on so much with my kids and the sacrifices of time I will always regret. Traveling yesterday turned out to be a gut punch and a terrible reminder of that feeling. 

My daughter, Z, turned 21 (March 7… yay!!!) and celebrated her birthday without me. She had a mostly normal day going to classes and then her dad and the fam that lives in Lincoln took her out to dinner. She said it was OK, and seemed happy but I still miss seeing her and won’t soon forget that I missed out. For THIS.

So yeah, “this” has not started off super but I’m throwing the gauntlet at the feel of the Universe … go ahead… Make me change my mind…. I DOUBLE DOG DARE you.

Ok. So that’s going to be it for today. Two more dudes just came in and that’s like too many people for me. 

Peace Out, 

~Miss SugarCookie

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