2019-08-15 Nightmares and the Spoken Poem

I don’t have much to muse about today. I could ponder longer the nightmare that I had last night which was super creepy but I kinda don’t want it to linger any longer than necessary. What was interesting was that I was having trouble falling asleep and at about midnight I got up and went upstairs to grab my phone off the charger where I keep it overnight (I don’t usually keep it by my bed anymore .. to tempt me into distractions). I brought it down to put the noise app on thinking that might help with my sleep.

Last I checked my Fitbit the time was 12:10. Incredibly I was stirred awake less than half an hour later by the aforementioned nightmare. I woke up and looked at my Fitbit and it was 12:38. That means that I fell asleep and fell into REM sleep and had a dream all in like 25 minutes. Who knows how long dreams actually last but it felt like a long sequence. It makes me wonder if we dream in fast motion. Is our brain playing out a scene that in real life would take 10 minutes in like 1 or 2?

I don’t have much insight from the Fitbit app interpretation of my sleep cycles other than the confirmation that I was in REM around that time. I also had a spike in heart rate which is another stat that is tracked. I’m like, no shit, that dream was terrifying, no wonder my HR was elevated. It was one of those that was so real so when you wake you’re all like over the top grateful that it was a dream. Why does our brain make nightmares. What is THAT about anyway?

***

Today the kids are back in school and I have the whole day to work on reading and writing. After my morning walk and Jazzercise, I’m gonna get down into it.

Tonight there is another poetry reading I want to attend. I know two of the readers, sort of, and am interested in hearing them read. I find that some poems are better read on the page and some are better heard out loud. I can definitely say that I’ve written a few that I think really suck on the page but with a little performance they kind of “pop”.

I enjoy slam poetry events too but sometimes I feel like the poems all end up sounding the same. Same topics, same drama, same voice. People don’t slam about their gardens and actual love poems are rare. It seems to be that slam poems and the rest of the written discourse doesn’t intersect very much. Perhaps that’s just a green assessment from someone with fairly limited exposure.

Whatever.

That’s all I got today..Time to Jam.

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-14 Wednesday Wanderings

Yesterday was one wild day (mostly in my mind). It started with that early morning emotional upheaval in my brain and I was sort-of charged up most of the day. Though not charged up enough to write anymore after 9am. I also tried to read in the afternoon and my brain would not have it. I had about 3 songs stuck in my head and it drove me a little batty.

I went to a Jazzercise class and about 3 songs in the power to the building cut out. They are doing construction on the street along that commercial complex and when we stopped and looked out, even the streetlights were out. Oops!

The room they have daycare in was completely dark, so those moms had to grab their kids and go. Most of the rest of us stayed. No speakers for music, no A/C, and no fans. It was hot and quiet. She did a great job improvising, turning the volume on her device all the way up and we danced our way through on her instruction. Strangest class ever, but I needed it. It was my first time back in about a month. I’m going again today (the power is back on).

I spent the rest of the day on catching up on things around the house and outside, which seems to be a never-ending set of tasks. I also was doing my best to make sure the kids were ready for their first day back to school which is today. That didn’t really amount to much. They are pretty independent.

My Z is now driving and so my back and forth commutes may be a thing of the past. I wonder if that means my morning trips to genesis fitness are over too? I sort of miss that place. Lots of familiar faces, The Man in Black, and all the Steve’s. I also miss the dry sauna. I may have to go this winter just to warm up.

I guess yesterday wasn’t that strange. My head was just in a weird place.

The kids going back to school means more time during the days and evenings for me to focus on my own things. It has been a really long time in my life that the priority has been school and not work. I’ve always done both at the same time, when I have been in school which hasn’t been really all that much. But when I have been taking classes, my time was always most devoted to work (and family). This will be a very different experience.

Aside from my responsibilities here at home, I can pour the rest of me into what I’m reading and writing and learning. Sadly, i still have to keep myself on task or I will start to drift. I mean, it’s been a week since I put any effort into my craft paper and the next draft with 5-8 more pages is due in 9 days. That’s a page a day. I just need to stay on it.

The rotten thing right now is that I don’t want to do it. I’d rather continue with all these creative directions my mind is wandering to and write some more poems. I’ve been quite inspired lately. It’s all important, but if I drift too far from the paper, I’ll be putting myself in a tight spot.

With that I’m cutting my morning walk today to 30 minutes and my time is now up.

Peace, love, and tacos,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-13 “Everything Now”

At residency Jackson introduced me to a band. It’s not a new band, they’ve been around, but they are new to me. That’s how my life goes. That’s how everyone’s life goes, you know. You don’t know something until you know it. That’s why we need people. Other people. To know things and show us things we might otherwise miss. I digress (from the start, good grief!).

I woke up sometime after 4. I think the Fitbit on my wrist read “4:46”. Whatever. I laid there a while and let the thoughts in my head roll around like stones. It was something about stones, and rocks and cobbles and pavers. Something I was thinking and writing about just before I went to bed. It was something that wants to be something but can’t find the shape of itself yet.

It’s something about addiction or maybe just doing drugs and getting stoned and quite honestly I don’t know enough about the subject matter to put the right language into it. It’s just another daydream that emerged as the story of a witch who was being ushered to the stake. Burning in the Fire was the trial that had been used to determine guilt or innocence. But of course as the story goes, if you are innocent. It’s too late to save you anyway. The deed would already have been done. Damn those Putnam girls. (I digress again… damn!).

So this witch is walking toward the stake and lifting her hands and reciting incantations and her words are turning into miasma and evaporating from the air leaving a trail of copper dust behind her on the cobble stone path.

She’s dooming the village and it’s inhabitants to drown under a field of ash. But I fell asleep before the volcano could erupt. See, the language was just all wrong. It wasn’t what I was wanting to say and I let it go.

As I lay in my bed at 5:29am I was trying again to conjure the words I wanted about rocks and stones and this semi-charmed life, this hotel in California place I’m in and again, it turned into a different daydream (it’s technically almost day, right?). I was driving in a car on the highway. I was waking up behind the wheel. It wasn’t what I wanted either but I went with it.

At this point, I got out of my bed and went up to the room where my notebook is so I could write it all down. I began in a familiar phrase, language that’s so me it’s muscle memory. I wrote and wrote and came to the end of the poem and when I came to it, I knew it was the end. That’s how you know sometimes, when you are so sure about that last line you just put your pen down and say out loud “that’s it”.

Then I began to cry. The tears came out of nowhere, literally, and I had one of those feels-so-good-to-cry-and-let-it-out moments. Such a release. I looked at my Fitbit and it said “6:01”. I was crying at 6am. That’s something!!

6:01am and I had just finished writing what I am sure is my best poem yet. Damn this is a good life.

It’s 8:16am now and I’m on the treadmill and recounting all these minutes and listening to “the best of Arcade Fire” playlist on Amazon Music. Every single song is about my life RIGHT NOW and it’s amazing to me that it’s all just coming to me now. It’s “Everything Now”.

Modern Man

Everything Now

Keep the Car Running

We Exist

Wake Up

Black Mirror

The Suburbs

We Used to Wait

Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)

Reflektor

No Cars Go

City With No Children

Electric Blue

I’m so damn grateful. I just want you to know.

Stay Frosty,

XOXO

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-12 Into it Now

My focus is shifting. The days of my life have changed and they are very different now. Adjustments are always tough, even the good ones. You have to let go of pieces of you, some that you kinda like. You have to recognize that, even if you are going in the right direction, the road still has bumps. If you decide to quit something, then there should be more time for everything else but that’s an illusion – a trick. The hourglass of life is still the same size and the air and sand inside don’t ever change.

There’s a saying.. The only constant in life is change. I think that’s not true. I think there are more things we can count as constants. We have all been born, and we are all going to die, and we all have a limited amount of time to make the most of our gift which is each and every day slipping away. The challenge is the vast number of variables we have to work with, and making the right choices.

All of that to say (or self-motivate) that we are at the start of a new day and a new week and to be careful to not waste it. Though things have changed I believe I’m well on my way to making the most of all these very different days. They will keep changing, sure, but the changes should slow down now (I hope I’m not guessing wrong about that).

I’m in it.

I’m all in.

I’m into it now.

I can do this.

Today is going to be a great day. I’m always leery of setting the bar too high because the definition of success is meeting or exceeding expectations. I just have a good feeling about this one. The routine is on track. The kids are home and sleeping, my love is off to work, I’m walking, there’s good music in my ears. I have a meeting with my mentor for this semester this morning and I believe I am prepared for that. I have a fairly good set list of things to get done today and, barring any unforeseen developments, I should be able to get a lot accomplished.

We’ve had a couple overnights with some steady rain and so there is not a lot that is needed in the garden. The kids go back to school this week and we will have to do a little shopping for supplies and such. I’ve got a little planning I want to get done for the rest of August and September and that’s milling about in the back of my brain. Other than that, my focus is primarily on writing and reading and more writing. I’m totally stoked about the direction things are going already and my terror about the requirements for this term have been replaced with positive energy.

Today there is no yesterday and today there is no tomorrow. Today there is only today to contend with and that, my friends, is worth something. Get into it. Don’t wait.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-09-11 Hung Over Sunday Status

We had a shindig at the house last night and I’m feeling it this morning. Jim has a lot of relatives and so when we have a family gathering, it’s a pretty good size crew. No representation from my side. My one brother and one of my sisters live in Colorado and my other sister is on vacation this week in Yellowstone. My mom couldn’t come cuz she’s watching my sisters animals and my dad wasn’t invited. Such is life.

I’m on the treadmill trying to walk off the crummy side-effects from too much vodka-cran and so far, it’s not really working. I’m not really in a writing mood either and that makes it the perfect time for a Sunday Status Cheat Day. I haven’t done one of these in a while. That’s something noteworthy I think.

With that, I’m going to just take a quick look at the entire month of July and compare to August so far since we’re already a third of the way through that. Eeeeeek!

For steps in July I got an average of 13k per day, which is over my goal of 12k so that’s pretty good. August, so far, has been only about 8k a day and that’s pretty rotten. Hard to balance out to 12 with that much of a deficit.

In contrast, my sleep was poor in July and I only had about 6 hours average per night. I blame residency and NYC. So far this month I’m back up to about 7.25. Seven and a half would be better (I just need two more bits). I think I can shoot for that. I think I’ll start right now.

***

That’s enough of that. I needed a do-over so I took a half a Xanax and had a fat nap. I needed the sleep more than the steps. And I needed to find my way to some sort of normal Sunday. Not sure I’m there yet

I put on my kitty cat earrings and left my engagement ring on the shelf after my nap.

My tennis elbow pain, which woke again from its cortisone sleep somewhere in New York City is just really angry now. I went to lift a water bottle off the counter and pain surged up my arm. I’m gonna have to get back to the ortho again. /deep sigh

The kids who also missed the family party because they were at the wedding of one of their first cousins (on their dads side of course) which was somewhere in Kansas. I miss them, and perhaps that was one thing that contributed to my being a little loosy-goosie with the vodka last night. They have seven 1st cousins on their dads side and I haven’t seen most that crew for 10 years. I saw pictures posted on Facebook last night. That made me a little sad too. They are all grown up. Life happens.

When I was at res I met a guy named Jackson. After the lodge switched me to the second floor because of the wasp problem my room was right next to his. I hung out on the patio real late a couple of nights and he’d follow me down to my room to chat after. He helped me eat the hummus and crackers and cheese I brought with me and I was grateful since I couldn’t eat it. I hate when food goes to waste. Sharing a wall, we devised a “knock code”. Two knocks for good night and three for good morning and the classic “shave and a hair cut, two bits” knock for “hi, is anybody there”. It was sweet.

We’ve been to lunch twice now and I sat with him and another newbie of our little UNOMFA program at a poetry reading Friday night. Jim was spending the evening with his son who is headed back to college this week and I was grateful to know a few faces at Kaneko and not sit all alone.

Not sure if I mentioned this after residency but my kids went on vacation with their dad to Yellowstone and glacier national park while I was gone. Lots of driving and camping and their dad proposed to his girlfriend somewhere out there on some beautiful scenic overlook. It’s been a long time coming and there’s a little part of me that wonders if my getting engaged has a little to do with the fact that he’s finally pulling the trigger too. Ten years really is a long time for two divorced people to both remain unmarried. When I got divorced I vowed to never get married again. Guess I was wrong about that.

He told me a couple of years ago he would never marry that girl. Guess he was wrong about that too. That’s life. February 2nd is going to sneak up fast and I have flashes of inspiration about the ceremony and the reception, but mostly it’s all still pretty fuzzy. I think I need to think about it some more, but today is certainly not the day for that.

I’n a little bit the kids will be coming home and I’m going to have leftovers from the party for dinner. I don’t think I’ll be quite back to normal until tomorrow. It sucks to get old. I remember when I could drink like that and have a grand time (like I did last night) and wake up the next day feeling great by 10AM. Now hangovers seem to last about 24 hours. It’s rotten.

What I should have done this weekend is a lot of reading and writing but just never got down to it. The weekend hours are waning now and I may do a little light reading and see if I can get myself into it. Maybe.. no promises of course.

I guess this qualifies as a status. Status minus most of the stats. Ha.

Two bits and I’m gone,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-09 A Whole Lotta Starting Going On

Getting a late start with my everything today. What I mean to say is, I’ve started a lot of things and had a lot of distractions and not made it to the end of anything. I was up again at 5am, working on a little writing project that’s proving to be more of a challenge than it needs to be, but I got hit with some inspiration and didn’t want to waste it.

I started working my way through that endeavor and didn’t finish. I had to stop to make breakfast.

Instead of getting back to that after, I started organizing one of our kitchen drawers. Cuz that drawer has been bugging me for months no time like the present.

That led me to the garage. Most of the things in the kitchen drawer belong in a drawer in the garage. The garage organization, by the way, is quite a disaster. It needs me. It really needs me and so I said “ok”, let’s start this today too.

An hour deep in that mess (you have to get everything out and sort and count it – it’s the only way), and I realize I have some other things I started yesterday that we’re left undone. Some should have been done already. I put the clothes in the dryer on “refresh”. Why is that so urgent now?

I realize it’s been a few days since I had a shower, so I guess that’s one thing I started and finished today. Yay for clean hair.

I started another poem that hit me while I was folding laundry and I followed that thread of thought and that’s two more things that have not been finished.

I really wanted to get some walking in and so I’m in the basement now, but I won’t get to finish that either because I’ll need to leave shortly for a lunch date. Chances are, I’ll both start and finish eating lunch (I’m starving) so I’ll give myself a gold star for that.

I don’t feel too bad, because forward progress is not nothing and I’m grateful to wake up and have another opportunity to start.

The sky is really blue outside today and I have two good eyes to see it. It’s time now for me to do that. Perhaps I’ll finish this blog post later…

Cheers to Friday!

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-08-07 The One About Fluff and Stuff

No.. those are not the names of my kitten cats, but they could be since they are so super soft.

I didn’t get to walk this morning, or this afternoon like I had planned. The whole day has been drained away by other duties as assigned. I had a solid 4 and a half hours of sleep as I was up late writing and then woke around 4:30AM to start wrapping up my first major assignment for school. Aside from cooking breakfast, I wrote through till about 10am in order to hit send on a bunch of “stuff”.

“Stuff” is the best way that I can describe what was in the collection of writing we (my mentor and I) are calling my “packet point five oh”. It was an agreed upon acceleration to the typical schedule for the semester, which would include sending the first official packet, “packet one” around the end of August. The “stuff” included a little bit of brilliance on what I want my craft paper to be about this term surrounded by a very large amount of “fluff”. “Fluff” being all the filler of words you use when you are wanting to fill up a page but have nothing of real substance to say. The packet also included four new, very messy poems about a topic we discussed with some measure of detail during our time together in July. Namely, my house (AKA, the Castle) and my new life.

One of my goals this term is to be less general with my creative work, and really get into the weeds of the details. Some of those details will be about my current life, and not some rehash of all the same ole, same ole I’m always going on about. Mind you, I write about my every day, well, almost every day, but not in my poetry for some reason. It seems I’m always sticking to musing about the world in quite a general way. You know, the meaning of life, and why we are all here and things like that. I shy away from details. That’s where the devil hangs out. But that’s gonna change, apparently.

I submitted my stuff today with a fairly high level of confidence that those pages are never going to amount to anything. I’ve tried to prepare all the parties involved (which at this point is just my mentor and I). I’ve written past the end of the story on three of the four narratives and not sure there is an actual poem among them. I guess I don’t need to think too much more about it, because it’s sent now and out of my hands (for the moment).

I’m not inclined to wait for feedback before I dive into the stack of books I have acquired for this term. I’m totally excited to take my time and spend my time on some high quality reading. As it is late in the day now and the sun is heading for the horizon, I think that reading may just have to be something that gets started tomorrow. But, perhaps I’ll have time to take a peek at one of the more bite size books after I put on my pajamas and get comfy on the couch. Perhaps.

The rest of my day was all snoresville. A few errands around town, very limited QT with my children (they have better things to do), and lots of cleaning and yard work as I continue to prepare for an onslaught of houseguests which starts tomorrow and will continue through Saturday evening. Amazingly, the sink is full of dishes again. I gotta believe nobody is going to want to read a poem about endless dirty dishes in a bottomless kitchen sink. Aint nobody got time for that. Certainly not me.

I suppose that’s enough fluff and stuff for today. Those pajamas and that book are calling my name… I just need to be able to stay awake long enough to get that far.

Sweet Dreams Ya’ll,

~Miss SugarCookie