Journal

2020-01-22 Scattertrain Snowday

Scattertrain is what happens when you cross a fast moving train with some highly caffeinated thought patterns.

By now I’m sure anyone who reads this blog (my sincere gratitude to you kind souls 😘😘) that the subject of the wedding is wearing thin. Truly, though, it is what it is and I can’t help it if it’s like on the top of the pile of all the thoughts in my crazy brain.

(10 days to go 😱).

Right now we are on the cusp of being able to see exactly what the forecast is for our big party weekend. It looks like it’s going to be a white wedding. For real!

It’s snowing right now and school was called off. I’m planning to go to Jazzercise and hoping that’s not cancelled too. All those times they urged to get on the text notification list for weather and other last minute class cancellations which I completely ignored. Now I’m all like “huh, maybe I should have signed up for that?!”.

No matter, I’ve got lots of errands to run today and me and the Jeepie are goinna have a good time playing in the snow. 😊

My daughter came down the stairs this am just as Jim was wrapping breakfast and we just stared at her and smiled. She’s all like “What.. where’s Cooper”.

I said “he’s still sleeping”.

She’s like “wut?” With a look that let us know the lightbulb had just gone off. Then she said “wut.. no school? No way. No fair!”.

I’m like “yeah, don’t you hate it when you could have slept in and didn’t,” with a wink. She sat on the stairs and started texting her peeps (not the local ones I presume). Shrug. That’s what happens when they don’t make the call till 6am.

She went back to bed, Jim went to work, and I continued with my duties as resident princess in charge. Yeah, I thought about that this morning. I do chores like cooking and cleaning like Cinderella and feed the squirrels and birds and fish and all manner of other creatures like Snow White. This morning I crushed up some old tortilla chips and braved the backyard to fill up the bowl we keep out for the squirrels. It’s probably not smart to feed the outdoor animals because they can start to depend on the food for survival, but it’s fun to put the bowl right next to the window for the cats to watch. 😜

Anyway, I sleep like sleeping beauty, swim in my pool like The little mermaid and have my own personal gene granting my every wish. You get the point. I’m like all the princesses in one package. If there was a princess that was a poet and also did IT work as a side gig, I’d already have claim to that name. And pretty soon, I’ll be the princess that’s also a production editor at a new online lit magazine.

Keep that last bit on the DL as that little fashion nugget is a secret between you and me. Not sure how much of a secret but whatever. I’m just playing a behind the scenes role in that, trying to stay out of the spotlight and line of sight for now. The idea is still only 1/4th baked at this point and probably will stay that way until the dust settles on the whole wedding thing.

Still, I have a few tasks on my to-do list that are domain name and website launch related. It’s like I’ve been prepping for this thing for like the last 10 years of my life. I’m pretty sure I started my first WordPress in 2010 (thanks to Vis!! 😘) and have been messing with blogs and themes ever since. Still, I like to stick with a minimalistic approach, so the focus stays on the content.

Wow.. that was a serious tangent and not at all where my brain was at when I started walking today.

I’ve got more to pour over but it’s going to have to wait. I’m gonna give myself some extra time out on the roads this AM. It’s gonna snow all day I think.

Keeping it Frosty,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-21 Nothing to See Here, Just a Little Clucking Going On 🐥

I know what I’m gonna want to know 5 years from now when I look back on this day. That it was 0 degrees when I woke up and I didn’t want to leave my house and oh, by the way, I’m getting married in 11 days and trying really hard not to freak out.

It’s gonna be fine, ya’ll. It’s all gonna he just peachy. But really I’m having a hard time with my brain. The lack of focus is serious and I’m sort of like that chicken with its head cut off or trying to cross the road and not knowing why or something else like that which has everything to do with being a chicken and making excuses for my behavior.

Yesterday I had a date with my mom and sister for lunch for my sisters birthday (which is today) and I completely spaced it. That’s so not like me. I’m typically a really reliable human being. But there I was, standing in my kitchen at 11:42am trying to decide what to eat for lunch. Then I get a text from her “you coming?”. Total face palm.

I felt like such an asshole but what can I say. There’s no excuse really. I’m not actually a chicken so there’s no excuse.

In related news, I’m supposed to go to a comedy show with her Saturday courtesy of her fiancé and when I told her I’d take her out to dinner before the show she says, “what show?”. Double face palm. Was that supposed to be a surprise and nobody told me?! Whelp, that one is not really on me I think.

Anyway, I’m wandering around like I’m from Iowa and tried this morning to put together a to-do list. Today that involves one last meetup with the gal from the event space to finalize preparations and check the AV setup and make sure that all works smooth with what we have.

As I type this I’m taking video of the cats in the kitchen to see how much video I can get on the memory card I have. We’re doing our own since it costs like $$$ to hire a human being to push a button. I’m so cheap.

It does bear repeating though that anything and everything with the “W” word attached costs like a gazillion dollars more than it should. Literally hundreds to thousands of $$& to get someone to take pictures for a couple of hours. I called this morning to see how much the cleaners near our house charges to steam the dress (it’s kinda wrinkled) and she said $85. Wut??!!

That’s 85 bucks to produce some steam near the skirt and get the wrinkles out. I bet I can do it for free. I just don’t want to ruin the material but how hard can it be? As long as the hot iron does not get pressed down on the dress. That’s the kind of thing I’m wandering around thinking about.

Oh, and I missed Jazzercise this morning because I was pressed for time to get some progress on a work project before my 10am meeting but now that’s being moved to Thursday. But it’s ok I missed Jazzercise cuz it’s still single digits outside. Brrrrrr. I do have to go to Nuri at 11 but now I’ll have time to take a shower and get dressed like a proper human.

What else? Oh yeah, because it’s my sisters birthday today, that means it’s also my exes birthday. That would be Matt not Brian. I was thinking about him last night and a little melancholy. I hope he’s well. He probably does not know I’m about to get married. I mean, he knows I’m engaged but there’s really no reason he would have insight into when. We have a few mutual friends but nobody that’s coming to the wedding.

I always thought we would get married someday, but that life never happened. It’s strange to be thinking about that with about a week and a half before I marry someone else. It’s strange to know you still have love for someone like that. I wonder if I’ll ever really be over it? And is that ok if I’m not? Does it take anything away from Jim or our life together? I don’t think so.

I think the depths of the human heart are vast and the capacity for love is great. I don’t have to let go of anyone I’ve ever loved. I can just hold it all in a special place inside and know that it’s just a part of who I am.

I wonder if I should wish him happy birthday? There’s no harm in that right? I dunno.

***

I’ve got to go check the video camera and move my 10am meeting to Thursday. Perhaps there will be more clucking from this chick later. (Probably not).

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-19 My Kingdom for a Good Day in the Garden

I once again have nothing to talk about. Can this be right? I’m gathering my thoughts into a bouquet and the clippings are meager, flowers sparse. The earth is frozen outside my windows and despite the bright sun, single digit temps are a huge deterrent to venturing out.

None the less, I’m taking my daughter to have senior pics today down at Lauritzen Gardens, a garden in bloom in the middle of winter. It’s a place we considered getting married at but the space is a little much for our quaint little gathering. Our numbers are too large to have a ceremony here at the house but too small for a lot of spaces people gravitate to for a wedding reception.

The senior picture thing happening today sort of feels like another failed mom moment in the works. Probably most seniors had pictures last summer and fall when it was nice outside and prime picture taking weather. But not us… we missed that boat and so now it’s down to the deadline for pictures making it into the yearbook. So to the only garden in town we go. My poor daughter.

Don’t feel too bad for her though.. it will be fine. She’s not poor, she’s a spoiled princess. She’s got a bright future ahead of her and this little bit will be just fine. In the grand scheme it’s no biggie anyway. Not that it matters, but I never had senior pictures. I never had a graduation party or any fancy dress for any dances in high school. She’s had just about everything she’s wanted and in May we’ll be having a big party to celebrate her graduation. The pictures are just a small slice of all of it.

Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself to feel better about procrastinating it until just now.

In related news her grandmother (her dad’s mom) offered to schedule her with her photographer, which she has done with her other granddaughters before Z. That’s fine with me, but a little dicey with the logistics. Z wants to do it but she doesn’t want to go with her grandmother to the place, she wants to go with yours truly.

Her grandmother disowned me the day her son and I started telling people we were splitting up. She tried to talk me out of it and that’s the last conversation I ever had with the woman. She, of course, was on her son’s side and assumed that I was to blame for ruining our marriage and his life and my kids’ lives in the process. I was her daughter for 18 years and she never spoke to me after that. What am I supposed to do with that?

Fast forward 10 years and I still don’t know what to do with this situation where my Z would rather have that senior experience with her mom than her grandmother. I shrug and tell Z that she just needs to thank her grandmother and say she’s grateful, but be honest about how she feels. I have no voice in this. I have no authority either.

It will all work out. Of that I’m certain. I’ve been taking pictures and saving bits of artwork and assignments and artifacts from special events for 18 years. Her last semester of high school, with senior prom, graduation, parties, our trip to California, and making arrangements for summer and prepping for moving into dorm rooms will all be incredible experiences. Like I said, she’s a spoiled princess.

That’s the story I’m sticking to today to smooth this senior picture business over in my brain. /shrug .. Whatever.

I think that’s gonna be it for today. It’s the last day of a long weekend and come Monday, I’ve got to try and get back into school and work and help my Thing #2 refocus on his school too. Perhaps I can keep myself distracted with all of that enough to forget what’s happening in 13 short days 😱!!

Probably not. 😜

Say Cheese,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-18 In Two Short Weeks

Yesterday we got our marriage license. Isn’t it amazing it only costs like 32 dollars to get legally married and potentially thousands of dollars to get legally divorced. Alternately, it costs potentially thousands of dollars to get ceremonially married and just two cents to get ceremonially divorced.

Today we met with our officiant and he seems like a pretty great guy. The ceremony itself won’t take more than about 15 or 20 minutes. I suppose the actual ceremony doesn’t cost much either. It’s just all the stuff we think we have to have— decorations, food, cake, flowers, drinks, music, a guest book and pen. Yeah and when it comes to weddings, nothing is cheap. That guest book and pen cost like 15 bucks.

Having that extra day together yesterday was great. We got a ton of stuff done and then got to spend the whole evening together kid-free. It kinda felt like a Saturday and so today kind of feels like a Sunday.

We are doing some cleaning and putting the finishing touches on some things here at the house.

Two weeks from right about now, I’ll be at the event space decorating. Probably my mom and sisters will be helping. Probably I’ll be freaking out. Probably it will all be all right.

I need to walk but I really don’t have much on my mind right now, strange enough. Just happy wanderings. It’s good. Life is good.

Peace,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-17 The Perfect Storm for Dissolving Doubt

It feels like a Saturday because everything is closed. The radar when we woke up today looked like something from the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”. A storm cell covering 1/4th of the country, starting in Minnesota and going all the way down into Texas, covering all of Nebraska moving slowly into Iowa. School was called off last night before I went to bed and this AM I was surprised that the alarm did not go off, which meant that Jim’s Office was closed too.

It was perfect timing as we really needed this extra day together to kick the final wedding prep in high gear. We’re making the most of this snow day and have already checked a bunch of boxes. I’m feeling good about things, finally. Mostly I just needed to check with him to review and get buy-in on what I’ve decided- readings, decor, cake, etc. it’s all good.

We are running a few errands today and among them is the courthouse. One of our to-do tasks was to apply for a marriage license. I was sort of on a caffeine/wedding planning/butt kicking high but then the form happened. Nothing kills a good vibe buzz like having to mine your past looking for your divorce date. Why is it with all the paperwork I’ve saved over the years my divorce decree (the official one with the dates) is not in my possession? I literally have my taxes saved back to 1993. I also have most important events in FB back to 2008ish, but not that. Why?

I Ended up digging into my old journal entries to find the exact date. But wowza if reading the surrounding words aren’t a mood killer, I don’t know what is. Not only that, but I found the reason none of it was on FB. I apparently deleted all of it. Or rather.. cut it and pasted it all into that word document at the bottom of my journal entry from March 14, 2010. All the surrounding posts with thoughts, poems, likes, and comments all retained just for this very moment for me to find.

So my divorce was final March 15, 2010 (the Ides!! How appropriate!!!). I kinda remembered that but now I know for a fact that was it. 10 effing years ago almost. And scrolling back through the last 10 years of ones life on FB is trippy.

The last 5 years I’ve not been very active since I hate FB and social media in general. But before that, I apparently posted a bunch. Events, check ins at restaurants, vacations, holidays, etc. I scrolled back through past relationships, Matt and SV and my jobs at OTTR and Methodist Hospital. Lots of pics with people I don’t see or hang out with anymore. Lots of history and also sadness for losing touch with people. Also sort of holding my breath on a few folks I’ve invited to the wedding, hopeful they will show despite not getting RSVPs back (looking at you RH!!!)

Reading that journal entry reminds me how conflicted and confused I was. I was pulling the trigger on a big life decision and yet still held so much doubt. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s exactly how things are now. Doubt is just a part of life I guess and you can never be 100% solid on your decisions.

Things are more 20/20 in the rear view. Getting married at 19 was naive, but i wouldn’t trade it or my life to follow for the world. Getting a divorce was also the right decision. No two ways about it. All the big decisions before and after that have all been good ones. Leaving the hospital after 17 years was good. Leaving OTTR after 5 was one of my best decisions ever. Leaving Matt was also a good call, and now, thinking about all of this, I have gained more clarity on what’s going down 15 days from now.

(Yes.. 15 days to go! 💍💕)

It’s the right decision and my doubt is fading fast. Maybe it’s the adrenaline of this caffeinated snow day that’s got me in this mood. Maybe it’s the worry in me that’s just giving up the fight. It’s losing/lost the battle and walking away. I’m finding myself in the sweet spot between doubt and party/wedding day anxiety.

Jim being here probably has a lot to do with that. He’s such a constant stabilizing force. He’s just amazing. I’m a lucky girl. 🍀💚🥰

That’s enough mush mush for today. What a wild ride for a Friday. Looking forward to the weekend.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-16 Too Much Thinking and Not Enough Action

I’ve got to be quick today as I’ve only got about 20 minutes before I have to be out the door. Truth is, after breakfast I laid back down and didn’t really fall back asleep but fell instead into a thought pattern which apparently sped up time. Before I knew it, I’d been laying there for like half an hour.

I suppose if I’d fallen asleep that would be ok. I really need more sleep. I really do. But I didn’t. I just laid there thinking about all the things.

(16 days to go, by the way…)

I was thinking about:

My lunch with Jackson yesterday and his full court press to get a wedding invite (of which I have no physical invites left to spare).

My worry that my photographer is going to flake out as he’s an acquaintance from a past life.

How I’ve really not got anything substantial to do today so I should work on my manuscript but don’t think I can find the focus for that.

The reading/fund raiser I’d like to go to tonight but it will be me flying solo again because Jim’s day is all jammed up with work stuff.

I’m about to marry that life. The oft single doctor’s wife. The never first priority life. The do what you want when you want but don’t hold your breath for anything else life. Yeah, I’m about to be that wife. Am I ready for that? Who is ever ready for anything really?

/shrug

Despite getting almost everything done on my Monday-Wednesday to-do list, I’m still feeling super unproductive. Why is that?

I dunno. Time to go anyway so forget about it. Whatever it is, it will be different tomorrow.

/shrug

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-14 A Fast Moving Train

Full speed ahead. 18 days to go and last night before falling asleep I touched my forehead to his forehead in bed and asked for him to help me with my anxiety. He promised me it would be alright and that when it comes to it, he’ll talk me away from the edge. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s all I’ve needed, all my days.

I’ve spent the last hour googling love poems and marriage poems and reading through old and new poems, funny and poignant, long and short. I need a few for the reading we are having as a part of the ceremony and it’s one of those details I’ve been procrastinating. One of the many details.

Things are moving fast now though. The days are numbered (for real!) and as the numbers get smaller, my unease becomes more intense. My to-do list today is about 75% wedding related and 25% work and school.

I’ve been pulled into a project for work which may take like 5-10 hours a week and yesterday I got the feedback for the first half of my MFA thesis manuscript and I’m itching to pour through that. I’m easily distracted by these shiny objects but I can’t put off some of this wedding stuff any longer. What I’m trying to avoid is a mad scramble the last 7 days where I lose my mind.

But.. if I do, Jim has promised to talk me away from the edge. I’m keeping those words in my back pocket.

Getting a little cray-cray is probably unavoidable at this point. I need to just focus to get stuff done. I haven’t been able to write much since returning home from Res. I start but then I just sit thinking and can’t seem to find any words. Even now I’m struggling.

I think I’m gonna cut and run for today.. before this post turns into a Tuesday to-do list.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie