2021-02-22 Ready, Set, Rewind… 🕹🕹🕹

Today I’m transitioning my moves to match more of how life was in 2006. That’s right, it’s really happening. It’s definitely a transition infused with little moments of awareness. I’m thinking about the behaviors and technologies I use on a regular basis. It’s one thing to say “I’m going to try this experiment for one week where I disconnect from life in 2021 and channel my inner 2006.” And another altogether to actually try and live that way. 

What I’m saying is that the word transition is completely appropriate. I don’t think I’ll even realize the full extent of what I’m proposing it until I belong to embrace the differences. 

There have already been at least 3 instances this morning that I deviated, both consciously and subconsciously from the “plan.” Typing this is on my phone is #4 and obvi a conscious decision. 

The others were as follows: 

#1. Checking my phone email and sleep stats as soon as I woke up. I did it automatically without thinking. I suppose this is because it’s such an ingrained habit that it’s just natural. After I did that, I realized it and decided I need to keep my phone elsewhere overnight. 

I mean, in reality, I still need my phone in case of emergencies just like in 2006. I’m just trying not to be tethered to it so much and am interested in what apps I miss. Which ones make my life easier versus just being a distraction or time suck. 

#2. I felt compelled to check my phone when a text came in and also felt it necessary to respond to said text right away. This one was more of a conscious choice. My wrist buzzed (my FitBit connects to my phone via Bluetooth) and when I saw who it was from I just could not help myself. It’s one of those things that could probably have waited. Not an emergency by any stretch, but ugh.. so easy to just respond and nip it right there. Done done. 

This is probably a fence and I’ll have to decide which side I’m on. Would it be better to resist checking the phone or responding immediately or would it just drive me bonkers wondering what it was. For sure knowing who it was from would be good. If it’s the kids or Jim, then I would react differently than other folks. Certainly this particular person doesn’t need an immediate reply. 

I suppose it also brings up the question of whether or not getting that notification on my wrist is good or not. I a way it allows me to leave the phone wherever and not tempted to be on it. In another way it’s just the “immediacy” I’d need, the interruption pulling me away from whatever it is I’m working on. Mite thinking about this will be needed. 

#3. While making breakfast this morning I asked Alexa what the news was. This is another one of those learned behaviors. In the morning when I’m alone in the kitchen cooking or doing dishes I ask Alexa to tell me what’s going on in the world. 

This is definitely not something that would happen in 2006. Alexa hadn’t been invented yet (I’m fairly certain). I would say that the tech in this case definitely improves my life by making it easier for me to get the news and add things to my grocery list. Aside from the speaker capabilities, those are the two uses I’ve found the most helpful. 

Which leads to this… #4.. Typing my thoughts on my phone. Also super convenient but not necessary. I could just as easily read a book or something while walking on the treadmill. But it’s gonna be tough to give up my best multitasking opportunity of the day. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past thousand days blogging, it’s that it definitely adds value to my life. 

For THIS.. there might have to be an exception to the rules. But let’s be real. There are no rules. It’s my game and I’m making it up as I go along. 😜

That’s gonna be it today. We’ll see how the rest of this day goes. 

Cheers, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-21 Sunday Status Funny Money 🐹

It’s Sunday and I’m checking my stats. How did I do meeting my goals? 

For sleep I achieved my goal 6 of 7 nights. 

Healthy eating.. 4 of 7. 

Mood.. 4 of 7.

Meditation.. 2 of 7. 

Exercise.. 6 of 7. 

Most of this looks good but feels a bit like funny money. Like you know how you get paid every two weeks for doing a job and the money is electronically deposited in your bank account and then some other company comes along and takes that coin back out for things like rent, electricity, insurance. It’s like a magic trick. One minute the numbers are there and the next.. Poof.. gone.. It happens automagically. You never actually see the cash, hold it, count it. That’s funny money.

Kinda makes a person feel like a hamster in a wheel. You know, in that metaphor what gives the hamster quality of life? Stopping to eat. Stopping to wee (or woo). And getting pulled out of the cage by the giant 6 year old who lets her run around the bedroom floor for a while. Perhaps getting a lettuce or carrot on these tiny adventures and of course weeing and wooing on the purple rug is the BEST! 

What does this metaphor teach us about life? That we need to maximize our time off the wheel. Cuz pretty soon now, that tiny little pumping heart can’t take anymore and the hamster dies. Poof!.. Just like that. 

I check my stats regularly. I set goals for my self. I’m constantly evaluating myself and my health. I gave up my old hamster wheel last year but I’m still on this one.

My New Years résolution this year was to do less instead of more. To be kind to myself and more forgiving. To meet that end, I backed off on my daily goals. But here we are nearing the end of February and I’m questioning the validity of all this. Like money in the bank, it all becomes numbers and checkmarks on a page. I add them up but they don’t amount to much.

So I backed off on my sleep goal and the result this week is a 6 of 7 instead of 4 of 7. So what? I still feel the same. I still have the same energy issues each day. I don’t get more restful sleep just because I back off on my goal. It just makes me feel better about how I’m doing. But it’s a magic trick. An illusion. 

It’s the same with the other stats. I have my daily step goal, which I reduced from 12k to 10k as a part of my resolution. So today’s calculated 6 of 7 would have been 4 of 7 instead. So what. It doesn’t change anything. And the other measurements are just as suspect. 

I took away “productivity” and replaced it with “mood” and I added one for meditation. Mood is subjective as there are no numbers and this feels more legit. Of all the stats I’m tracking, it feels the most genuine and important. I think that’s because that’s the real goal. To FEEL better. To FEEL healthier. To FEEL like I’m getting the most out of every day. 

Tangentially related is the brain child idea I had this week about inviting 2006 to 2021 and living life for a week the same way I was back then.

No smart phone. No social media. No googling everything or relying on the internet so much. It crossed my mind that 2006 was pre-FitBit too and before I tracked my stats so vigorously. 

It also predates any regular daily writing so my mind is really foggy with how life really was. It might be an interesting exercise to try and mentally recreate a day in the life of Miss SugarCookie in 2006. The first step of course is removing all those things I just mentioned. 

This means (if I go through with it) that I’ll not be keeping stats for as long as the experiment persists. And won’t be mentally tethered to my phone.

Tangentialy related is also the argument I had with my darling daughter last night because I did not have my phone with me when she texted the specifics of what she wanted to eat. I cooked the wrong thing and she refused to eat it and it was so ridiculous. I got so so so angry that she was acting spoiled and ungrateful and she just didn’t get it. Jim said I just needed to make the other thing and remember that she’s sick (one day post vaccine shot and running a fever and in bed all day). So I did. And she didn’t even thank me. Whatever. 

My point is that the people that will be the most affected by this little experiment of mine are those who “expect” things from me or are used to communicating via text. Nobody on FB will miss me because I’m not really on FB anyway. Same for twitter. And since I don’t have a 9 to 5 anymore, there’s nobody who is going to miss me not getting back to them ASAP there.

So today is my day of preparation. Thinking about what it is really going to look like when I pull the trigger on this test. Rolling back to 2006.

Why 2006?

I had to draw a line somewhere, you know, and thinking about what things add value to my life, like that hamster with their brief breaks from the wheel. Eating adds value and so does sleep. It is not a basic need in the pure sense of the word but music is pretty much essential for my daily existence.

If I’m giving up my phone for a week, then I need some other way to get my tunes. I don’t have a working CD player so my original iPod will have to do. I actually looked up the model number and it’s circa 2006. So that’s why. 

No Bluetooth of course so I’ll have to find a wired set of headphones or earbuds. I know I have some somewhere, just have to find them. That part will be easy compared to making my people understand that if they want something from me, they need to ask me in person. How novel. People living in the same house sitting down face to face. 

I think my treadmill time today is past being up. I’m secretly hoping people stay asleep a while longer so I can get more time to myself. We’ll see. 

Next stop.. 2006 and scrapping the stats!

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-20 Why I’m Doubling Down Today

Yesterday, just as I was developing the inspiration to write about all the sexcapaids I’ve had in my life, life interjected and shut that down. 

Here’s how the conversation went (paraphrasing of course)…

Life:  “Here.. read this and get angry” (hands me an email).

Me: 😬😬😬 (deep breath). “No! Not today life. I’m not letting this shit get to me today. I’ve got other plans.” 

Life: “Ok then. Let’s just see about that.” 

Me: “I’m gonna write a poem instead.” 

Life: “Haha. That’s funny.” 

Me: “Whatever. Give me my trigger.” 

Life: (snickers) “Sure thing boss. Today’s topic is sex. Ha!!” 

(Life knows I’d rather poke my own eyes out than write a poem about sex.)

Me: “Challenge accepted!” I start to write about the sex poem but didn’t get very far before Life looked down at his wrist and tapped his watch. 

Life: “Times up. You’ve got to go.” 

Me: “Fuck. I was just getting started. No matter, I’ll finish later.” 

Life: “Fat chance.” 

Me: “Shut up. It’s Friday and I have all damn day.” 

Life: “That’s what you think.” 

Me: “Whatever Life. Go suck it.” 

Then I hurried out the door and drove to CB to visit my dad. Stopped at Little King to pick us up some sandwiches. While at my dad’s, we sat at the kitchen table, ate, and I listened to a few new stories. Turns out, by random chance my dad enrolled in college one week before receiving his draft notice, narrowly escaping being thrown into the war. His life could have gone very differently and if it had, I would not be here writing this. I digress. 

After that visit, I hurried home continuing to think on the topic of the day. At red lights I would open my phone and read where I left off and tried to think of what would be next. I had soooooo many thoughts. So many directions I could take the topic. But then the light would turn green and I had to go again. 

Arriving home it was immediately time to leave again. This time to take my darling daughter to get her second moderna shot. She missed her appointment in Iowa on Saturday because she was sick and so the only opportunity was this “open clinic” set up at a church here in Omaha for people needing the second shot. Open meaning no appointments. Open meaning a line of hundreds of people through the church, out the door, and down the block. And a cluster of parking a situation. 

She begged me to wait with her and of course I did. Did I mention this line was outside??!! Did I mention I hadn’t changed from my morning walk or that I wasn’t wearing a coat?! Did I mention it was only 20 degrees outside??! I must really love my daughter to freeze my ass off for 1.5 hours outside and 1 hour inside that church waiting with her. 

Every time she took her phone out to look at something I thought maybe I could write standing in line. I took my phone out of my pocket and then she’d look at me and ask “what are you doing? Talk to me.” Ok, fine. 

Three grueling and freezing hours later, we were done and headed to pick up my son. Arriving home (after securing some drive through dinner for them) I was frustrated and just wanted to sink into the couch. But not without some food and drink of my own. 

Enter stage left, R-Taco and homemade margs. One margarita, two margaritas, three and done. 

Somewhere in there I had the wherewithal to post all I had written in the morning… which was not much. 

As I pushed the “publish” button I heard a maniacal laugh and looked over my shoulder at Life. 

Life: “Told you so.”

Me: “Fine. You win….Today. But I’m doubling down on tomorrow.”

Life: (With a big smile) “Perfect!”

***

Doubling down for real! Life will NOT best me two days in a row. Nope!!

Today is the second day in a row I’ve spent time inside a church. Today I went to Saint Vincent de Paul Catholic Church. Cuz…. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. I’m talking about donating blood.

Today’s donation was a success as my hemoglobin came through at 13.0 (second finger stick as the first was 12.3 .. booo). I haven’t donated for over a year and it feels good to be able to do it again. Next one will be in April. Guess what else is in April? My next vacation.

I’m in charge of planning this time and it’s gonna be amazing. Don’t know where yet but that don’t matter. Wherever we go will be famous!!

Where was I going with this again? 

Oh yeah, doubling down on the day. It’s now past 5pm and I don’t even have a topic and I’ve wasted all my time writing about what happened yesterday. 

I went to a virtual workshop this morning which was all about sonnets and at the point where we had to free write is where I got stuck. None of the starters that were offered triggered anything in my brain and I ended up writing a few lines about Princess Diana and a quote of hers I heard once about chasing chicken around a plate. 

So rando, I know, but that’s how the brain works sometimes. Alas I could not produce any good lines from that, let alone an entire Sonnet so I’m still at square zero. 

Still. The day isn’t over yet. 

Life: (Tapping his watch again) “Clock is ticking.” 

That guy is really starting to get on my nerves. 

Later gaters, 🐊

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-19 The One that Wanted to be About Sex but Couldn’t Make it Past First Base…

I looked into the salty air thinking about my irritation over an email I just read and said to myself “it’s time to get serious.” 

Then I looked at myself in the mirror from the treadmill and said “NO!” I actually pointed at myself as I said, “NO! NOT THIS TIME.” I’m not going to let it get to me. 

No. It’s high time I take things less seriously. I’m not joking around about this. I’m…. wait for it…. 

Dead serious! 😜

Life keeps trying to drag me down with greedy little tentacles. Green tendrils with those innocent looking suckers that you pay no mind to until they adhere to the thin layers of your epidermis, and you realize they’ve no intention of letting go. 

No. Not this time! 

I’m digging through my pockets to pull out all my weapons. The claws are coming out now, and with them the sword I’ve been sharpening for a while now. This day and it’s down smash is no match to that of my Princess Peach. 

Where’s my crown? Somebody hand me my crown! 

I’ll not be a victim of your bullshit patriarchy or any preconceived notions about the definition of the word success. Your archaic constructions can’t touch me today. 

I’ve got my kickass gear shifter playlist fueling my adrenaline and my hair looks amazing today. I’ve got knives up all 8 of my sleeves and under the skirt of my ball gown too. I’ve been practicing my moves and if you try to touch my mood I will cut you! 

Ok. Now that that’s settled. Let’s get down to business. One of two ways for this to go from here. It’s either “Freak Flag Friday” or “First Draft a Friday.” 

Really torn about this and gonna make a quick trip to Paris to see if that tips the scales…. BRB

***

In Paris today I found “The Sisters of Sexual Treasure” by Sharon Olds. So that’s how it’s gonna be?! I’m not so inspired by this somewhat erotic poem that’s got a bit of a Freudian flip. I mean.. I could easily springboard off this 21 line expertly crafted piece of writing and compose my own revealing paragraph about how my experience leaving my mothers house at 18 (sans sisters) was the polar opposite of hers, but I don’t feel inclined to. 

I’m not keen writing about how I never learned anything about sex from my mother except what her orgasms sound like through the wall of the tiny house we lived in when I was a senior in high school. 

To this day I wonder if she was faking it. To this day I’m quite disturbed to have this memory and have oft blamed it for the sexual dysfunction I’ve suffered for so many years of my life. 

Now I’m a parent with a teenage son and daughter. I wonder if it’s fair to blame anything squarely and/or solely   on a parent. Still, in this case I think it is. 

I dare say I could write more about all of this but I don’t want to. Why Ms. Olds was compelled to write, let alone send her poem to the Paris Review to be published escapes me. I have to reason that she was comfortable in her own skin and that no topic was off limits. Not that sex is or should be off limits. On the contrary, it should definitely have a place in poetic discourse as it is a fundamental part of our common human existence. Just maybe not a part of my induvidual public canon. 

Perhaps I’m still somewhat bent and broken when it comes to sex. Mind you, bent and broken is different from being confused. I’ve experienced enough that all of my curiosities have been satisfied. I know myself. I am who I am, as always, a complicated compilation of all of my explorations and experiments.  

Anyhow… today… I have neither the time nor the inclination to continue this trail of thought. 

***

8 hours ago I was very fired up and ready to throw all my knives at the day. I might have even gotten a little farther on the topic of sex, if I had not been rudely interrupted by obligations and responsibilities. Chief among these were taking lunch to my dad and waiting 2 hours in line (outside in 20 degree temps) with my daughter so she could get her second dose of the vaccine. All of that put a damper on any freak-flag flying or first draft drafting. 

It’s been a good cage match but I’m tapping out. Gonna save my strength for tomorrow’s down smash. 

There’s always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-18 The B-Side: What on Earth is Miss SugarCookie Planning Now?!…

There’s literally like a dozen different possible introductions for today’s (B-Side) topic…let’s see how many I can pull out of a hat before you guess what’s happening next…

  • My Ex Matt always had a distaste for my personal “experiments”. Little spur-of-the-moment behavior modifications or ideas I would entertain about making changes in my life. To be fair, it mostly revolved around fad diets or the even more nonsensical notion of buying my dream house. He’d roll eyes and not be very supportive, but I’d do what I want anyway cuz ain’t nobody gonna tell me what to do with my time. (Reason 19 we’re not together anymore).
  • I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately about what the world would be like without social media. Or the vast invasive disease the internet has become.
  • I really want to embrace the idea of not taking life too seriously. I miss that good ole’ “I don’t give a Fuck” Spirit which was the embodiment of my Tumblr blog.
  • Time travel hasn’t been invented yet.

Have you figured out what’s happening next yet? Need more?…

  • In 2014 I conducted an experiment where I tried something new each week and wrote about my experience. 52 weeks of tiny micro-experiments and writing almost every day. BTW, that’s when the clandestine Miss SugarCookie was born.
  • The dresser in my spare bedroom is home to my original iPod.. one with a big touch dual and small-is black and grey screen. No idea what the model is but it’s old BUT.. it still works!
  • I still keep a paper phone/address book and have loads of paper, envelopes, and stamps.

Is that enough. It certainly feels like more than enough. 

I’m bout to take this bi-aaaach old school. We’re talking about dialing things back to like 2005 or 2001 or 1997 or however far I have to go to get rid of Facebook and smartphones with apps and constant notifications, life revolving around the electronic in-box, and looking everything up on google.

Of course, because of #4, some serious preparations are in order. I mean, I guess since I can’t go back to 1997, I have to bring 1997 to 2021. Or rather mix the two like some unnatural amalgamation of epic proportions. 

I haven’t told Jim yet. I just got this brain child of an idea about 2 hours ago. No idea how he will react. In all honesty I haven’t even worked out what, when, how, or how long. Thinking however that 1 week seems to be the right duration and beginning on Monday of next week will be good. 

That was easy. I think answering exactly “what” will be more challenging. 

Isn’t this ridiculous? 

Isn’t this fun and exciting? 

I’m already thinking this is going to be a thing. I’m gonna start a craze. A new mass movement to embrace connecting with real people in real life again. Like remember the days when you had three real honest-to-goodness friends instead of like 300 fake ones?

You know I’ve seen people give up social media. I’ve seen them give it up and announce ON social media that they are giving it up. What the what?? Don’t even get me started.

More on this tomorrow. I gotta go make the dinners. 

Cheers for Bringing Back them Good Ole Years, 

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. If you want a letter from me (like bonafide snail mail).. send me your address. 🐌✉️😊

2021-02-18 A Serious Need to Not Take Anything Too Seriously

Having another one of those days. You know.. where I just want to tell the world to efffff off. Not you darlings though. Nope. 

This mood has been a fairly regular thing these weeks, I’m finding. I was soooooo tired this morning and tired of being tired. Caffeine helps but then I feel bad about being addicted to caffeine. Then I tell myself there are much worse things to be addicted to and that I’m being to hard on myself and then I pop another pill. 🤷‍♀️

Often I go round and round about this, and the result is always the same so why do I keep doing this to myself when there are bigger fish to fry? 

All of everything that I am concerned with is small. I have to remind myself that it’s tiny, tiny potato’s. Not enough to make one single helping of mashed taters…. AND that I have to not take anything too seriously. If I can just go about my day, with this in mind, it would be better. 

So much has changed in my life yet it’s bizarre, like super strange, how much never changes. A few days ago I remembered a blog I started on Tumblr in like 2010. A little bit of writing I had missed as I was organizing and backing up all my files for a rainy-fucking day that will never come. 

I logged in and pulled all those posts to my laptop, next stop is the external hard drive. I digress. 

Last night I began to reread these posts for something to do before bed. Super unproductive but whatevs. Mind you all that was written 10 years ago, so finding some of the same “issues” I’m still dealing with is … well….. comical. I mean, how else can I look at it? 

Yeah, I’m still struggling with body image issues and obsessive about my weight. Yeah, I’m still trying to eat healthy and failing. I still hate social media. I still worry I’m a bad parent. I still get irritated by my ex and lament about wasting time. I still have trouble sleeping because I can’t shut my brain off. I am still too concerned about what other people think. And I’m still listening to the same music.!! 🤣

Right now? 

  • Listening to ‘Beercan’ by BECK. 
  • Messaging with darling daughter about how she can get her second vaccine shot because she missed her appointment last Saturday. 
  • Drinking strawberry ginseng fizz in water for more caffeine. 
  • Tried to donate blood today and failed cuz my iron was too low. 
  • Thinking about refusing to do any social media shit for GLR. Just flat out saying “I don’t care, someone else can do it.” 
  • Rescheduled 2 meetups this week cuz I didn’t wanna, including my dad today. Selfish, but I don’t care. 
  • Bought discount cut flowers at the grocery like a hypocritical BOSS.
  • Procrastinating calling a tow truck. 
  • Procrastinating cleaning toilets. 
  • Procrastinating <insert everything here>.
  • Put periods at the end of all my bullet points cuz that’s the way I am. Not sorry. 

I already had a website/blog when I created that Tumblr 10 years ago. The purpose was so that I could let loose all the random thoughts I had that were not exactly “blog” worthy. Or rather, all the shit I was thinking that I really didn’t want on my primary and publicly promoted site. Anything a little angry, or seedy, or jealous, or needy. 

It’s actually some funny stuff. Reading it I forget how much I enjoy my own sense of humor. And again, a good reminder not to take anything too seriously. 

The last post there was late 2016, when I hit rock bottom. Or like right before I hit rock bottom. Like a hot 10 seconds before I drank myself down a drain and hit my head on the concrete at the bottom of the sewer. 

Not sure how long I was out, but the day I woke up wet and covered in shit was the same day I decided to start this blog.

I haven’t needed that alternate blog because I have this! And I have you!! My oh my. What a day of epiphanies!!! Seriously!!!! 🤣

Why taking caffeine and saying “I don’t care” out loud makes me feel better, I don’t know. But I love it.  

Yours truly,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-17 Having an Out-of-Body Without Ever Leaving My Body

It’s another random ordinary Wednesday and there’s once again not a single noteworthy thing I have to contribute. Not a thought in my head worthy of writing about for the gazilllionth time. 

Late yesterday I ingested some citrus ginseng fizz I bought from a newish acquaintance of mine whose business is selling these Earth friendly health products. I’ve spent a fair bit of coin on protein powder, energy boosters, body washes and hair gels from her and this company. It’s part of my plan to try and live a healthier lifestyle and also be a better caretaker of our planet.

No matter, as that’s not relevant to my point. But this citrus ginseng powder which I mixed into water and drank about 6pm has caffeine. I think that’s what resulted in me being wide awake at 10pm.

At 10 Pm I was laying in my bed unable to fall asleep and thinking about all sorts of things including how much of a broken record I always am with my writing. I mean really thinking. 

Like I’m watching the needle on the track as it spins, a little swing arm with a tiny bit of metal digging into a groove on a piece of rotating black plastic. I zoomed in and saw the smallest wavering as the rectangular head holding the needle was moved by the imperfections of the spinning vinyl.

Round and round with each rotation ending in a small, almost imperceptible click and jump, back to the beginning of that same track. I zoomed in a little more to confirm what I was seeing. Sure enough, there it was, over and over. Click……..click…….click. How had I missed this before? Why did I think that the song had been changing? After all this time, it’s still the same song. I remember thinking it’s a good song but how can this be?

I thought about how to get to a new song. I mean, really get unstuck and find a new track, and that only led to a terrible scratching sound like fingernails across a chalkboard. Cliche I know! But that’s exactly the feeling. That sound and shiver you might do anything to avoid if you knew it was about to happen. All of a sudden I’m staring at a girl with pointy polished nails positioning her fingers precariously at the top of the blackboard. I say,“DONT.”

Turning my attention back to the record player, I balanced the swing arm on the tip of my index finger, not allowing it to move a centimeter in any direction, record spinning benieth it. I held it in place as I held my breath waiting for whatever was going to happen next.

This moment was one infantesimal moment in the grand orchestra of time. 

In a way I felt paralyzed by the math of it. For every possible move, an incalculable number of outcomes: actions, reactions, and ripples of consequence. In the biz we call this paralysis from over analysis which is something I’ve often been afflicted by.

An unseen amount of time passed as I sat there, hovering above the earth somewhere inexplicable. Where could I possibly be that neither the moon nor the sun were in view? The earth, a powder blue orb, was in front of me and a field of stars far behind. Defying the lack of gravity, my finger still balanced the swing arm of the record player. I would have asked (of no one) “how on Earth is this happening?” But I wasn’t on Earth anymore so the question seemed entirely irrelevant.

Is this a joke? I thought. Some sort of a test? Some survivor challenge I forgot I entered? Some random episode of Punkd? My finger began to cramp and suddenly the weight of the swing arm became a concern. How long could I hold this position? I’d have to decide what to do soon.

As the muscles in my forearm began to tense and quiver I conjured a conductor. This moment, as small as it was in the grand scheme, was too big for me to navigate on my own. An invisible index finger slipped under my index finger, helping me hold the needle in place and I immediately felt relief.

The song that had never stopped playing returned to my ear. I didn’t move but the scene surrounding me was transformed back to the familiar room I sleep in. I stared at the record player, my finger miraculously still balancing the arm that held the needle that dug its pin point into that familiar groove. I slowly pulled my aching finger away, curled it back into my palm with my other fingers, and pressed my thumb around it. The song never missed a beat. 

***

This was all very strange, considering that I don’t even own a record player.

With peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-16 A Good Day to Hide Inside and Under Blankets! ❄️ 🥶 💙

Different day, same story. Efffffing cold! School is cancelled and there’s rolling blackouts planned in the city to control power consumption. This beast of a house has its hot and cold spots and some pipes on the northwest side are at risk of freezing. Other duties as assigned for me today include keeping the water moving and taxi again as we still have a vehicle that’s stranded at Jim’s office and won’t start. 

The hot spot in the house is strangely the basement and I swear if the rest of the house gets cold, we can camp out there and stay toasty warm. 

Something about this cold just makes me want to climb under a blanket and watch TV and have coffee and snacks. As always though, I gotta get my steps in first. Yesterday, late I had a burst of energy and got a second set in which makes up for the day before when I was not feeling well and was seriously short of my goal. The plan today is to get back in the 10 k a day train. We’ll see. 

I’m really kind of in the mood to work on revisions today. I’m still holding steady at 64 open subs but think if there’s some good / free options I’d like to boost that number. I swear this is not to procrastinate stuff that needs doing for the lit mag. I’m done with declines for now and have more reading to do, but I’m not in the mood for that. I feel like being selfish. I feel like working on my own stuff. 

I mean, once I get my chores done that is. That includes taking the trash out. Did I mention it was cold out??!! Did I mention that I’m not excited about being outside at all for any reason? Yesterday’s grocery trip was so rapid fire, I missed some stuff and not not not excited about the prospect of going back today. Can’t we just shut the shit down and do nothing until the temp climbs back to positive digits? 

According to my weather app, that’s gonna be tomorrow. I think it’s personally reasonable to ask the Universe for a day off. Right??!! 

I might have to cut and run now.  Still not back to 100% after being sick this past weekend and my energy seems to have drained already. Hopefully I can get more steps later after I get some couch time. 🤷‍♀️

Stay Warm,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-15 Good Gravy!

Earlier today I was processing the pile of declines in my stack and finally at the end, turned my attention to the maybe pile. I can tell you I don’t read all the writing that gets declined, but I do read all the comments. I can also tell you that if one of our editors feels strong enough to “maybe” something, I read every word. 

And reading delightfully almost always leads to writing for me. I started feeling inspired by everything at about 2 in the afternoon, just about the same time I had to git up and out of the house. 

I tried voice to text for one idea but didn’t get very far. Later, returning to my “virtual” notebook, my effort to begin again was thwarted by my beloved Mario* and his desire to hammer my notebook into a new organizational structure. So I spent about an hour renaming files and creating some folders to sort more easily through the “slush and fluff.”

*Mario, if you want to know, is what I call my left brain. Well meaning but bossy as hell. And most often the side of my head that gets a pounding headache.

I have it on good authority that once a poem is written, you should leave it alone for a certain amount of time before returning to it. What’s the right amount of time? Dunno. I’m gonna say 3 months. This makes the origination date important. After that, the next most important thing is potential (this is perceived potential of course) which can’t be determined until that 3 month mark. 

Durning my thesis semester in my MFA program I devised a number/letter combo system. First character is a number 1 to 4 (Highest to lowest potential) followed by a letter, D for done, R for revision needed. This helped me to figure out what poems to include in my first draft of my thesis. 

Good gravy. Nobody cares about this nonsense. 

Where was I going with all that? What the hell? 

I suppose the point is that I never did write anything new and now I’m kind of bent about it because I lost it. The inspiration to write.. I lost it. Now all I can think about is organizing my google drive. Stupid cloud. Stupid Mario. 

Other than that not much else has changed. I still feel mostly like garbage and it’s still cold as fuck outside (currently -14 headed for -20). Good gravy!!

Before I went to bed last night, I was thinking about this blog. I was thinking about how, no matter what a person does if they are posting things on the intenet, it is done with some measure of filter based on the perceived audience. 

I mean, though I don’t really think anyone but one or two or five actual humans are reading this, there is still the seed of thought that there could be random trolling from who knows where. This little fact, as benign as it is, keeps me from being too revealing. In some cases this is good but in others, there are things that get stuck in my head I have a hard time working out. 

It’s absolutely fact that writing this blog all the time is my therapy. It’s not free, but it is a whole hell of a lot cheaper than an actual therapist. Right now, at this very moment, I have two issues itching my brain repeatedly and I have no way to scratch. Might just try to talk to Jim about both tonight, if I can get a little of his time. 

Good gravy. Why is it so hard for me to get QT with my husband? Strangely that’s not one of the itches that need scratching. Even stranger is that if it was bothering me, I’d have no problem writing about it here as he’s 1) Not one of the people reading and 2) Would understand. I mean, I suppose as long as things remain as they are now which is mostly newlywed-ish.

So last night I was considering a reboot of my tumblr. My black diary that held the secret thoughts I would not allow on my more public facing platforms. I got so far as downloading the app and resetting my password (haven’t logged in since late 2016). 

And just now as I write this I realize I’ve just this past week spent time organizing and archiving all my writing and forgot about Tumblr. Have I ever archived that? Ohhhhhh noooo! 😱

Guess I know what’s going on the Tuesday to-do list. 😜 Wait for it…. ….

….

GOOD GRAVY!!!! 

That’s enough gravy for one night. 

Stay warm ya’ll, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-15 Trying to be Positive Amidst So Much Negativity

As predicted my step streak was broken yesterday. Missed it by a whopping 4K as I sat around all day lamenting my fever and aching muscles. 

Let’s cut to the chase. It’s negative 13 degrees outside right now. The high will be negative 2 which won’t last long before the dip back down to a bone chilling negative 18. That’s a whole lot of negativity people. Why would I fight it? 

My fever and headache yesterday persisted all day and started to dissipate as the evening approached. Still my body felt like it had been through some iron man trial and was sore all over. I even had a nap and was able to sleep in the afternoon. Not sure what time I went to bed, but Jim didn’t wake me this morning (and neither did his alarm) and it was lovely not to have to wake up before the sun for a change. Just wish I didn’t have to also feel like I was on my deathbed so I could actually enjoy it. 

The other reality check this morning is that it’s been like 3 days since I’ve had a shower. As I look at my Monday to-do list, I feel like adding it just so I can cross it off. Sad but true. 

Jim was so sweet taking care of me, which mostly consisted of letting me lay around like a lump while he did his own stuff. He did take me on a Valentine’s Day mini-road trip to pony creek recreation area and all I had to do was sit in the car and enjoy the scenery. 

The lake there had a big hole in it that appeared as though it had steam coming off and several hundred geese huddled in and on the ice surrounding the hole. It was a sight to see and it makes me think of all the poor animals out there huddled together in this desperate cold trying to survive. 

I set our thermostats to 68 and 70 before going to bed. This cold spell is gonna cost a fortune. This is the disadvantage of living in a large house. There’s so much unused space. I wish I could declare a winter weather emergency and make everyone camp out in just a few rooms until it passes to conserve energy. Oh well. 

In other news we are now over halfway through February and I feel so far that I’ve failed with the challenges I’ve issued for myself both for the year and this month. I’m starting over today. More healthy eating habits and more meditation. Feeling like garbage the last couple of days has really made me think about getting back on the heathy bandwagon. 

I’m not sure I’m quite up to adding more cardio yet, as I’m not quite recovered from being sick, but there should not be anything that stops me from meditation (or eating healthier). 

In other news we have a car stranded at Jim’s office that will not start and that means I get to play taxi a little bit today if I want to hit the grocery store and start getting my act together for the week. It’s Presidents’ Day and apparently that’s a “no school” holiday, but I still have to pick my son up from his dads house. I think with this cold they would have called school off anyhow. They can’t run busses and have kids standing outside in this frozen tundra!

None of this is news. None of this is noteworthy. I want to try and be positive but there’s not a lot more on my brain today besides getting that shower and staying warm. Guess that means it’s time to switch to reading.

Until next time, 

~Miss SugarCookie