2021-01-21 Doing the Thursday Smile and Wave 👋🏻

Yesterday was such a strange day I want to let go of and forget it ever happened. By contrast today has been pretty freaking great so far. I just don’t get life sometimes. Is it life or is it me? I really do wonder if other people’s lives are like that. One day is shit and the next is sunshine.

I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night so that helps I suppose. Darth didn’t make an appearance, nor did I wake up with strange dreams or sweating through my clothes. I slept all the way to the 6am alarm and when it went off, I was like “holy crap!”

I stretched and checked my stats and other notifications that came in while I was sleeping. Then I thought, “it’s gonna be a great day.” And so the tone was set.

So far everything else is the same. The morning routine, breakfast, commute to school, and now this. Still, the good mood persists. I guess I should not question, just enjoy it while it lasts.

My set list today includes things I put off doing yesterday plus all the stuff on my Thursday list. Somehow it all feels manageable today and I’m not overwhelmed.

What else? Today is my little-middle sisters birthday. She’s 39 I think. I wonder what kind of mood she’s in or what she thinks about being 39. Wonder if she is freaked out by being 39. For me 39 was no biggie. Life was crazy and I hardly cared how old I was.

My whole life I will not be able to separate my sister’s birthday from my ex Matt. They are the same age too and I REALLY wonder what he thinks about being 39. Never married, no kids. I wonder if he regrets “us” in some way, either that it was a mistake to let me go or perhaps that he wasted those 5 years of his life on me. Time is a funny thing and as it passes, it sometimes changes how we feel about a person or situation.

When I met Josh for coffee last week we talked briefly about Matt and I said I kind of wondered what he thought about my life now. Being married, a doctor’s wife, taking care of family and no longer clocking in at a paying gig.

Josh treats other people’s lives, questions, and problems very matter-of-fact like. He basically said Matt probably just thinks that “Shyla got everything Shyla wanted” and that’s it. It’s true. I knew what I wanted and I got it.

The life partner, living together, pursuing my passion for writing, the secure future for my children and I, and having the opportunity to do what I want with the rest of my life. How did THAT happen?

I suppose my mind still wanders to Matt at times but it’s no longer pangs of “what if.” Now it’s more just hoping he is well and finding peace with life, doing things he likes to do. I don’t really wonder about his relationships anymore really which is healthy. I think getting “everything” I wanted helps with all of that.

But now that I have “everything” I have to think about what else I want. Since I never imagined getting here, I never really dreamt beyond it. 🤷‍♀️

Wonder what my sister wants too. She’s been engaged since before I even met Jim. That’s coming up on three years. I wonder if they are going to be engaged forever and never actually get married. Or if they are both good with the “parent life” ship sailing away. They bought a house together last year finally. That seems like a big commitment to stay together. I’d ask her but she’s never very forthcoming when talking about these things.

What else? I’m not terribly inspired today to write. I’ve got some new content in my in-box and will make a go of reading some. Perhaps it will inspire me in some way to write. We’ll see.

On that note. There’s not much else for now.

Waving from the Wave, 👋🏻🏄‍♀️🌊

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-20 Serious Sleep Rant

There’s absolutely nothing I’m looking forward to today. That’s messed up.

You know what else is messed up? Stats that lie. Sleep score of 82 last night…. my ass!

Per the usual I was asleep about 30 seconds after I closed my eyes at 10PM. I woke up just before midnight. Ugh!!

I knew right away I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep. I knew it wasn’t because of the cats, or my brain spin. I knew right away because I heard what has now become the all-too-familiar sound of Jim breathing. Heavy and loud like Darth Vader. Only with the occasional inhale snore. I lay there and listen getting more and more angry with each breath.

It’s not his fault but that does nothing to quell my anger at midnight. How is it possible that I was dating Darth for 18 months, and living together, and not realize it? How does THAT happen??!!

I haven’t been forthcoming with this problem, which did not present itself until sometime last fall. Had it always been this way and I just didn’t realize it? What has changed?

We’ve talked about it and he thinks it’s allergies. This is yet another reason to keep the cats out of the master bedroom area. But we have been doing that and the issue is not getting better.

I’ve tried sneaking out to a spare bedroom to sleep and that’s a bummer. It also doesn’t yield a good night sleep because of the cats, and also all the lights. Nothing like spending 10 minutes unplugging, pulling shades, and unscrewing to wake a person up completely. Then lay there in the dark not being able to fall back asleep.

A few days ago I had an idea. I have been meditating in my closet and brought a few pillows in there to sit on. Then I got a sleeping bag and decided I would try sleeping there, like camping. This way, when I wake up I have a place to go back to sleep that’s cat free, dark, and close enough that I can go without waking completely and just fall back asleep.

So dumb. I mean, not every idea is a winner.

Last night when I was laying there listening to Darth, I thought.. this is a test. Can this idea work? I shuffled myself to the closet. I hedged my bets and took a sliver of an antihistamine in route.

The closet was hot and the floor was hard. I remembered immediately how much I hate sleeping on the ground. My pelvis bones ground into the floor. I turned on my side and was reminded how uncomfortable it is to sleep on my side too. But I lay there anyhow and let the sleep aid I had ingested take over. I fell asleep.

I woke up two or three hours later, groggy, sweating, and just immediately pissed off. I hoped the heavy breathing had subsided and went back to the bed.

It had and I fell back asleep, waking again at close to 7am. I suppose despite the grumpy night, the fact that I was able to get a certain quantity of sleep and not actually being awake for that long were the reasons my FitBit reported a “good” sleep score. But damn, I feel like shit.

Something else has to change but I have no idea what that is. The stupid antihistamine is part of the problem. A solution that’s worse than the problem. But in the wee hours I’m not thinking clearly. I will do anything to get back to sleep.

It’s 9:30am now and I think it’s almost cleared my system. But I’m still not looking forward to anything today. I’ve got a meeting with my financial advisor, lunch with my dad, another meeting for the lit mag (with a prominent publisher), and I don’t want to do any of it. Nope.

I also have to send a bunch of declines for the lit mag and that’s a shit job too. Plus those other “to-do” items I didn’t do Monday and Tuesday. Ugh!

Wow. I’m just a ray of sunshine today huh?

Suppose since I have nothing positive to contribute today, I should just quit now. I’m on a pretty good run with regard to exercise and getting my steps lately and so it’s ok if I miss a day, right?

Perhaps I’ll get some mo-jo after I have my coffee? We’ll see.

In Need of a Do Over,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-18 A Caravan Traveling Toward the Unknown

Today the lingering ghost of disturbing dreams and waking drenched in sweat and exhaustion has me walking a slower pace than normal. What was I running from all night? What had me peering back over my shoulder and looking off at the airfield in the distance, climbing a steep grassy slope to a narrow stair with a single metal rail?

I somehow fell into a row there with other people running away from or toward something. Our pace slowed by growing numbers ascending the stair. At the top of which was a tiny door. More of a window really, too small I thought, for some people to slip through. How would we all fit? And where would this human caravan lead? Does it matter when you know your life depends on finding a new place to dwell? When the perception is that any consequence is better than the alternative of staying, it doesn’t matter.

I fit through the window and after, was when I woke, my head pounding with questions, I shuffled safely to the bathroom to fumble in the dark with the Tylenol and water I had left on the counter before going to bed.

I didn’t think about the potential meaning of this dream until just now.

Could it be random or am I already trying to reconcile news of a caravan of human beings crossing Mexico on foot to get to the United States?

They don’t get the news from Alexa each day. They don’t understand that nothing will change immediately just because there’s a change in leadership. Change here is slow. Policy and procedure are large and heavy.

But they don’t need the news. Promises have been made and they have no option but to believe in them.

My news source is opinionated. Like the rest of the media the words are often filtered, carefully chosen, and slant. I truly don’t think there’s an honest, unbiased source of news left. I don’t think it’s possible.

The best I can do is solicit news from multiple sources and piece together the truth from all that. Like a patchwork of events, people, and statements. Pulling the verifiable squares together and using the spool of my mind to stitch it until it fits together. But even that is flawed because I’m biased too.

I say “let them cross”.. and if the whole world decides to move to America we’ll figure it out. But it’s complicated and I don’t profess that I understand all of the moving parts. I’m also not in any position to make any difference and whatever will happen, I dare say, it will not affect me much. But still I dream.

Still my unconscious mind puts me in the midst of the migration. Sketchy circumstances. Just another body crossing fields and slipping through chain link fences. Why was there an airfield there? Why was there a narrow stair? What’s the significance of the thin pipe handrail or the door that was more of a window?

Perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions and it’s all nonsense and doesn’t mean anything at all.

Yesterday I was looking forward to the start of a new week and now I’m just tired, with a headache and no motivation. I stare at myself as I walk on this treadmill, 2.5 miles an hour, and wonder how fast and far the caravan from Honduras walks each day. Their motivation far greater than anything I can conceive of.

I don’t want to think about that. So selfish. I’m gonna have to quit now.

More later,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-16 Being Mindful That There’s Always Tomorrow

Whatever it was I had all week I lost. And I can’t exactly explain it. I mean, I can blame it on my period, I suppose, which has just begun. Middle of the night with a vengeance. My sleep was restless and by 5am I gave up and shuffled myself to the kitchen to get some ibuprofen. Those cramps. Ugh!!

But is that the reason I’m stuck on Day 4 of the Waking Up guided meditation app? I literally tried 3 times yesterday to sit still and listen and pay attention and follow along. I rewound to the beginning three times and then gave up.

I rolled into my stomach on my closet floor and just felt the ground under my body. The new carpet, the contact points on my exposed skin and just tried to be there. I quickly forgave myself for not being able to listen to the entire meditation session. I have to accept that I’m just learning and some days it will be easier than others. I said “I’ll try again tomorrow.” And so I will.

Then I sat up a little and stretched for the box of mindfulness cards I got for Christmas. I’ve been pulling random cards from the deck and it feels more like reading a set of tarot cards than anything else. Ironically the card I pulled yesterday was “let it go.”

I chuckled to myself, well I just did that so what now. 🤷‍♀️

I honestly didn’t feel like doing anything else. Sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time waiting on Jim. He’s a busy guy and it’s ok when I’m busy too, which I often am, but on a Friday night I should not be waiting. Work should be done or put on pause. Projects too. And if I’ve made an effort to do that, and don’t want to start something new because it’s Friday night, then I should not be laying on my closet floor waiting.

After all, I have this problem where I’m so tired by 9pm and falling asleep and so being in that position at 7pm doesn’t help. I need to be doing something, talking, watching something. Something so that I don’t just crash out by 7:30.

We eventually made our way to the basement to watch a movie. It was not the most exciting thing so I had trouble. Some Amazon original movie or something else included free with the service, some true story about a British guy who was an explorer obsessed with the Lost City of Z. Over two hours long. We could not finish it. I think we have 50 minutes left. Neither one of us was that into it. They can’t all be winners.

So that was my exciting Friday night, followed by a sub-par nights sleep, and atypical Saturday morning. It’s already 11:30 and I’m just now on the treadmill. I’ll be heading over to CB today and after that taking my daughter shopping for a new desk. She’s decided to spend her own $$$ on a craft desk for the craft room. Probably we’ll spend some time in there organizing today. It’s almost done.

We’ve agreed that we’ll each have our own work area, with a desk and set of shelves. We have enough shelves and I don’t really need a desk, so I think getting her a desk will be the last thing.

I can tell I’m in a down mood because I’m not looking forward to any of this. When the thought of doing things you normally would enjoy feels like a chore, then you know the dauber is down.

I need to snap out of it. I’m not sure how.

Maybe I just need to let go more. Take a few days to back off even farther from putting expectations on myself. Can I just give myself more time? There’s no way to know what is right. Is there really no way to know?

I’m staring directly at the open notebook with my stats, goals, checkboxes, and the rest of the weekend that’s not filled out yet. Sleep, eating, mood, mindfulness, and exercise. My daily five, plus other to-do list items. Time to close that book for now I think.

I’m only at 5k steps but really not feeling this jam today. It’s ok. Like the meditation I’ll have another opportunity tomorrow.

Peace and love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-15 The Friday that Thinks It’s a Saturday

Yesterday was a Thursday that felt like a Friday and apparently the Universe agrees with me because we got blasted with a blizzard overnight and today everything is closed.

The solid run I was on with decent sleep got wrecked too. And with it my good mood. I’ve been feeling great all week and woke up today tired, and grumpy with cramps. I have to recognize, however, that as far as PMS goes, this round was nothing compared to what it has been lately. So I’m going to try and be grateful for that.

I had some caffeine and am walking now, of course. I want to turn my frown upside down. I have to remember that I have the power to do that. I can choose to look on the bright sides.

Today another publication released their latest and greatest issue which includes a poem from yours truly. I want to be happy about that. I mean, I am happy about it but when I followed the links from the email I read at 4am, I found that there is a typo of my name. Both on the website and on the listing of the book on Amazon. I let them know. But ugh. This is the second time recently this has happened.

But at least I can say that. That it’s the second time recently. Looking on the bright side would be happy dancing because I’ve had 5 poems published in the last month. FIVE! Feels like something I should tweet about. Maybe I will, once they fix my name. 😜

Looking on the bright side also means having the whole day today to do whatever with my time and because I chunked through part of my to-do list at 4am, I have even more time.

Ironically I have an appointment to have snow tires put on my daughters car. So that will be happening in just a bit. Hopefully her little Prius C can make it to the tire place in today’s winter mess.

I would also normally have either laundry to do or vacuuming but Jim is home from work and that changes things. I was also going to binge watch the bachelor while working on my laptop but he HATES that show so that will be a no-go too.

As for my “one job” from yesterday (🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽) it went like this…

🚽#1: Gung ho. Great work. Looks good.

🚽#2: Pretty good. Running low on bowl cleaner. On to the next one.

🚽#3: People are gross. Why is there pee on the outside of the bowl? Cleaner runs out.

🚽#4: This is exhausting. There has to be a better way. Stupid boys and their stupid penises.

🚽#5: Good enough. I’ll do better next time.

🚽#6, 7, 8 & 9: Nope nope, nope & nope. 👎🏻 Next week. Maybe. 😜

In truth I never intended to go into bathroom 8 or 9 to begin with, for specific reasons. By the end of what I could stand I really did convince myself that once every two weeks was enough so if I did half of all that needs doing on the regular, that would mean 4 a week. I can handle that (If I have the right tools and cleaners which I clearly didn’t).

I know, I know. You were all dying to know how my first real attempt at “household engineering” with regards to the bathrooms of the castle turned out. 🏰 I can say for certain that I might not be cut out to be Cinderella. Can we cut to the part of the story where there’s no global pandemic and the princess convinces the prince to hire a maid?

I’ll need it if I entertain the idea of ANOTHER start up. Last night I had a flash of a brilliant idea. I mean, I had been drinking so I wasn’t sure if it was truly brilliant until I woke up today and had time to evaluate the merits of the idea. But it has promise. I think.

One of the most important factors in start-ups is that the idea, product, or service either fills a need that’s not being filled already or is in someway better than the options available to potential consumers/customers. I’ll call that the “it” factor. And this idea of mine, I believe, has that. Unlike the lit mag which I now know there are gazillions out there with similar business models competing for business. Oh well oh well. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway. So a little more research will be required for that. In the meantime, I also have a 1 year anniversary coming up with my darling husband and have to get my act in gear for a gift. As a consummate procrastinator, time is running out for what I wanted to do for that.

In any case. Lots to do today, including a second blog post to celebrate another special anniversary. Stay tuned for that hitting a WordPress reader near you soooooon!!

Peas and Carrots (ewwwww, gross),

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-08 Vivre la Résolution! 🗓

I’m satisfactorily rested and caffeinated. I’m in good spirits and so far feeling on top of the “sitch” today. It’s certainly still a very volatile status, kinda like that cliche about weather in Nebraska. Wait a day….

Case in point is that yesterday felt dire. I mean like “holy-hell-will-I-ever-get-my-act-together?” dire. Exhausted by a few chores and the “UN-Christmasing” of the house, I basically felt like a limp lump by 3 in the afternoon.

At some point I reached out to my friend M to see what her thoughts were and then later initiated a conversation with Jim about it. “Something has to change” I said.

I’m now several months past getting over withdrawal from cutting the Benzos out of my life. My body should be back to normal, or at least baseline. A place ready to start fresh to try a new approach. Of ALL the things I want to resolve for 2021, this issue is at the tippy-top of my list.

Sleep, daytime fatigue, and having more energy in the evenings when it matters most to my peeps. Last night I basically started falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 and was useless to anyone or for anything. Enough is enough.

It’s January 2021.. It’s time! Let’s go!!

As I often do at the start of a new year, I’ve got big plans. Big ideas and dreams about what I’m going to accomplish or how I’ll finally figure out the balance equation of life. I’m working actively to resist this line of thinking now. Like meditation, my mind wanders away so easily and I have to refocus. I always feel like I fail at meditation because I can’t get my mind to behave.

Yesterday my friend M offered some sage advice. About meditation. She said that it’s impossible to keep the mind from wandering and the trick is to let it play but be an “inactive” participant. Don’t feel like you have to take action on every thought. Just watch it play out like a movie. I think this is fantastic! I’m excited to try meditation again.

I’m letting that thought simmer as I determine the best course of action to take on my prime directive. The fatigue conundrum.

I’m actively letting go of other potential objectives: eating healthy, exercise, productivity, cultivating relationships. But when I say I’m letting go, I’m not saying I don’t want to do those things. I’m saying I’m taking pressure off myself to have such high standards. I believe that if I can fix this one BIG problem in my life, the others will improve naturally.

In support of this concept, instead of upping my goals, which is my typical New Year move, I’m actually backing off. I’m giving myself more room to breathe. Call it the anti-resolution, but a resolution none the less.

It starts like this:

Backing down to 10k steps a day as an exercise goal (as opposed to 15k). And not adding any other requirements to check that box each day.
Back the sleep goal to 7 hours or 75 as a sleep score.
Not weighing myself every morning. This one is BIG.
Easing up on the self imposed daily productivity goals. Checking that box more based on mood and feeling than actual tasks accomplished. Trusting my instincts instead of relying on concrete proof.

These are the real, measurable goals I use to gauge how I’m doing. It’s also what I use to report to my accountability buddy, T. I’ve mentioned this falling off the radar and we both agree we need to pick it back up again. In short, I’m still measuring but giving myself more ability to feel like a success. It also means I’ll have more time to focus on the prime directive.

Again, talking about daytime fatigue, not prohibiting interference with the internal and natural development of alien civilizations (clarification for all you Trekkies our there).

It involves meditation, getting quality sleep at night, and potentially naps during the day. And so far doesn’t include taking any sleep aid but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I gave up on CBD oil, but Jim said I may look to a different manufacturer or type. Possibly. I also have Trazadone but the one and only time I took that I felt like crap most of the day after. Not looking to get hooked on another prescription drug either.

What else? I suppose just thinking more not just about what but how. How to approach making steps toward this goal. It’s one thing to say you are going to try meditation but another entirely on how to start, and what measure indicates success? As with a lot of things, it begins with education. I’m going to spend some time with this and maybe include as a part of my “mood” goal each day.

You see how this anti-resolution can be a tricky-pickle? It really is. How do you stop thinking about something you are so conditioned to think about all the time. I think the answer is to do as my friend M says and let the thoughts happen but not necessarily act on them.

An interesting experiment indeed.

That’s it for today. Finally feeling that 2021 thing that’s happening.

Ready or not….

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-03 Final MFA Res Day ??!… 🤦🏼‍♀️

It’s official…

I’ve lost track of what “MFA” day it is, what day or the week, and also what year. But I’m not ready for the new year yet and that’s ok.

What? Did I just say that I was not ready for 2020 to end. Well, not exactly.

I’m ready for 2020 to take a hike but not quite ready for 2021. I feel as though I need more prep time to be off and running with a good start.

It’s the same with a lot of things right now. With my time in the MFA program coming to a close, I should have more space in my brain to work in other things. But as I walk through my house this morning, every room is in desperate need of attention.

The Christmas decorations and crap collecting in the living room. The kitchen is a disaster. The litter boxes are full. And on and on. Nothing like being inspired to write and then scooping the poops and losing every decent thought you could have had. Kind of like now, having so many things I want to write about but end up writing about chores instead. Good grief!! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Even if I don’t know what day of Res it is, I know how many days are left.. two. Today and tomorrow. That’s it. Two days to really make the rest of this count. And on the flip side, two days delaying getting back to normal life. Two more days of putting off things that need doing. I’m clearly torn.

I’d like to have a few days to myself, alone-alone, to reconcile everything. I’d like to reflect on my reading last night instead of waking up thinking about the new year and all the things I’m gonna set as goals or try and do. I’d like to revise the poems I had workshopped this past week. I’d like to spend some effort crafting emails back to various folks for this and that and really pay attention to my words. I don’t want to have to rush it or fake it or worse, just postpone longer.

I probably should have been more demanding this past week with people in this household. Everyone has their own agenda. For once I’d like my agenda to be the primary one, and not secondaey or tertiary.

I keep wandering back to that train of thought. I don’t want to.

I slept through to 7am today which is glorious. But my FitBit has decided to stop collecting stats on my sleep so I have no idea when I went to sleep or the quality. I feel pretty well rested and maybe that’s enough. The FitBit not working is just another detail in a long list of things needing attention.

See, there I go again. Ugh. That’s enough. I gotta switch gears and get to today’s MFA agenda (while most people in the house are still asleep).

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-20 Stand in the Mirror and Wait for Feedback

Sunday again. Lacking sleep again. Still working on that lecture. On and on.

I’m trying not to freak out. You know, but there’s so much to do. Res. GLR. Christmas. Bills. You know I’ve got bills that are like 60 days past due and I can’t even begin.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something must be. It must.

Creature comfort make it painless.

At least today I don’t have a hangover. Today it’s just cramps which in some ways brings welcome relief to the emotional roller coaster I sometimes live for about a week before my period with regard to my emotions.

It’s just past 8am and I’ve just had my caffeine. I’m just now on the treadmill but have been awake off and on for like 100 hours.

Somewhere around 5am I switched from reading about Adrienne Rich to Diane di Prima. The quintessential example of a poet embracing experience and freedom when it comes to both poetry and life.

I’m almost wrapped with the research on this lecture. And I’ve probably got twice what I need for talking for 40 minutes. I’ll be polishing tomorrow while Jim is at work and then I’ll know for sure how much overage there is.

Did I mention Christmas is in 5 days??!! Thankfully the family gatherings and gift exchanges are at a minimum. Thanks Covid. If I had my way it would be a repeat of Thanksgiving.

Good food and just us. But.. being the good daughter that I am I’m going to CB Christmas Eve to visit with my dad and having my mom over Christmas Day. Part of me has wondered when it will feel ok to have them both over at the same time. So many levels of questions there. Least of which is the side-eye I’m certain I would get from my siblings. But whatever.

It’s not like they make much effort. We were just not raised that way.

Anyway. So I’ve got presents to wrap today and work to do on the GLR.

Incidentally my newest side-gig is teaching my kitten Gus Gus to walk on the treadmill. Any day now he’ll be good enough that I can try getting some video footage. Then I’ll be making bank when the Instagram account I created for my cats blows up! I’ll put them on tic tok too or whatever the latest craze is the teenagers are wasting their time with these days.

Every damn time I think about my distaste for the technological age, I feel old. I mean like seriously. I’m THAT person saying “back in my day we didn’t have no internet. We had to keep ourselves entertained. We rode bikes and explored the outdoors.”

Yeah, and then a bunch of kids got abducted and that was the end of that. My poor little sisters, caught between the end of the latch-key era and before the advent of the internet. Stuck being raised by endless hours of mindless television.

To be fair, I was a TV junkie too, more later though like in my twenties.

Yeah. Any day now these cats are going to make me famous.

The other night I created a new Instagram account for my cats. I had been drinking so the details are fuzzy but at one point my daughter takes the phone from me and just “fixes” everything. She declared that I didn’t know what I was doing. Said the username I picked was boring. Changed it to “kittens_shenanigans” and then we talked about hash tags. Yeah, I really have no business in that business but with her help, we can do it.

The thing that makes me bad at social media (besides the constant resistance) is that I just don’t give a fuck. I just don’t.

Post or don’t post. Tweet or retweet. Share, like, lick, suck, fuck… I DONT CARE!!

There. I said it. So what? Perhaps I’m channeling Diane di Prima from the great beyond.

It’s all just funny money anyway. Like titles. Tiny little boxes. Tiktok, ticky tacky. Little boxes on the hillside. Little boxes all the same.

It reminds me of that theme song from the show “Weeds.” That was a good show.

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes made of ticky tacky

Little boxes on the hillside,

Little boxes all the same.

There’s a green one and a pink one

And a blue one and a yellow one,

And they’re all made out of ticky tacky

And they all look just the same.

And the beat goes on, you know. But instead of little boxes were like zombies inside our little houses exploring the world with even smaller boxes in front of our faces, with all our creature comforts an arms reach from our couches and poorly lit desks and beds.

Where’s the spirit of adventure? How do you teach that? You can’t just talk about it. You have to teach by doing, by example, and sometimes with a healthy dose of tough love.

As it is with poetry, show, don’t tell.

That’s enough wandering today I think. Gotta go get dressed to run errands.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-19 Christmas is Slithering Near

See what I did there?

Oh last night I just got seriously smashed. I mean, it doesn’t take much these days. A half a bottle of my favorite red wine, Jam Jar, which is sweet and goes to my head almost immediately. But its sweetness also probably contributes to the midnight wake up with a dastardly headache.

I literally wandered away from the living room scene at 8PM, leaving my darling Z chatting with Jim. I slipped out of my clothes and into the bed. The world be damned, I need sleep. I need it as my life depends on it.

I didn’t even say goodnight though I was cognizant of my intentions. I was wasted enough not to care that I’d abandoned conversation in mid-moment and was opting to satisfy my own needs.

But oh, just after midnight I woke with a terrible head, and headed around the house in search of water, Tylenol, and my loves. Z had gone to bed too and I found Jim in the “Theater” room watching you-tube. He said, let’s get you hydrated and back to bed. That’s how you know someone loves you.

That’s how I know he loves me.

Of course I woke again at 4. Headache gone thank the Universe. Wanting more sleep I took half an OTC sleep aid and then snuck out of the bedroom with my laptop and books and and went to work on my lecture. Still on Louise Glück.

It’s so slow going because I’m needing to read a lot and then figure out how to work what I want into the content of my lecture. Listen here. It’s nonsense. The amount of work I’m putting into this. I already have my degree. Stupid COVID. Stupid lecture. Stupid brain.

Anyway, I was able to switch to the next poet in the early AM, Adrienne Rich, whose life is simply fascinating. Probably more interesting (to me) than that of Glück or Bishop) and for certain a better example for my lecture as her poetic voice changed significantly in her early career.

I read and wrote in between sleep of the wee hours of the morning. I’ll hopefully wrap that segment up today but as I said, Christmas is slithering near.

So some of the other tasks on our Saturday agenda include wrapping presents, baking cookies, and a few timely errands. Hard to believe said sneaky holiday is less than a week away. By this time next week it will be over, the days will be getting longer again, and I’ll be gearing up to present that lecture (Monday the 28th to be exact).

That’s how much I procrastinated the thing. Ugh! 🤦🏼‍♀️

As it stands now, the cookies I’m baking won’t reach their destination in time.

As it stands now, the gears are engaged and wheels are in motion. There’s no stopping time.

I suppose with the work I put on myself no one would accuse me of taking the easy road. Two paths diverged in a wood, as they say, and I…

I took the one less traveled by. Why oh why would I do that?! Why couldn’t I just do a lecture on the same topic as my craft paper (as is typical)? Oh well.. too late now and the less time I spend lamenting the more time I have to make it good.

Which is to say, it’s time to get back to it.

But first.. coffee and homemade banana bread Jim’s mom made yesterday. Mmmmmm. 🍌 🍞 💕

Watch out for those Christmas creepers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-13 “We Will Send a Car to Find You…

… if you ever lose your way.”

Last night I took my FitBit off because I went to bed somewhat early and realized that text messages buzzing my wrist were keeping me from precious sleep.

Consequently I have no idea how long I was asleep or what my sleep score was. I know I put the device back on just after 6am and that I feel pretty well rested. Perhaps that should be the measure instead of sleep duration or score. 🤷‍♀️

I stopped keeping track of my eating habits a few weeks ago. Thanksgiving week I think. I originally had a goal of boosting my protein, as a test to see if that would have a positive impact on my energy levels.

No definitive conclusion there. Too many variables to tell I think and the act of logging food (calorie counting) was having a negative impact on my psyche. Jim noticed it and made a few comments and that’s when I began noticing too. The calorie counting had led me to set (and continuously readjust) my expectations.

What started as a check mark next to healthy eating if my protein was 75grams a day became a check mark if protein was > 30% of total calories (Not so harsh). But then it became a 1250 calorie diet with protein > 25%. Then 1000 with > 20%. Then any day < 1000 calories.

< 1000 is Drastically delinquent. I had days of less than 900, 800, 700. That’s a problem. Of course my energy tanked. Some switch in my brain flipped. I began equating the numbers with the weight I was able to lose and that was enticing. It’s far too easy to fall back into patterns of reckless behavior.

I look at myself in the mirror and the thinner I am, the better I feel about myself. That’s the mindset of a person whose self esteem is in some way attached to the way they look. And having been conditioned to think that super-skinny is sexy, I naturally strive for that.

It borders on eating disorder and when I begin to limit myself to under 1000 calories a day it crosses over into that territory. I know this. I know this and yet I did it anyway. The same way I know sometimes when I begin to binge that it will make me want to purge. I have to recognize it and limit the amount of food I eat.

It doesn’t happen very often but it still does. A couple of times a year. That’s the thing about eating disorders. They never really exit your body or mind. It’s not an experience you can suffer through and not have it haunt you. I’ll probably always be obsessed with the numbers on the scale. I’ll probably never believe it when people (like Jim) say I look great.

He worries of course. He sometimes engages me in conversation about it and, as it was with this last endeavor to get more protein, calls me out when he sees the slipping into bad behavior. It doesn’t matter how smart or logical a person is, the brain can still trick you.

I actually set my weight goal to 110 in the FitBit app. 110 is ridiculous. Like I said drastically delinquent.

So I stopped logging my food and calories. If I put some effort in I can probably get back to counting grams of protein but it’s not as easy without an app. The truth is, however, that even with the protein goal I don’t really alter what I eat that much. I end up substituting a protein bar or smoothie over an actual meal. Cuz I’m also lazy I guess.

So for the time being I don’t have a good measuring stick for healthy eating or a goal. Perhaps internally gauging if I’ve made good choices and giving myself a check mark for that is the best I can do. It’s just such a slippery slope.

I could do the same thing for sleep. I mean, I do it now for productivity and mood. If I feel good and feel like I’ve gotten enough done during the day, then I give myself a check in the box.

I’ve been a poor accountability partner. I promised my friend T to check in each week with stats and how it’s going and that’s sort of been waning too. The week of the death and funeral I gave myself a pass but feel like today is the day to reach out and start checking in regularly again.

I think that’s it for today. It’s 8am and I’m going to take advantage of the quiet in the house to do a bit of reading and maybe writing. Put the fake fireplace on the TV and sip a coffee. Doesn’t that sound lovely?!

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. The opening quote is from one of my favorite Cake songs, “Comfort Eagle”