2020-07-12 Insults and Injuries and Finding the Bright Spots In-between

I’ve been in a funk for a few days now. Just frustrated, you know with progress trying to improve my health being so slow. And feeling like garbage every day. And then to have this injury on my foot preventing me from walking was like.. like adding injury to insult.

It’s totally taken me out of my routine and work has, of course not helped. Then yesterday I was like, well, I gotta snap out and look for ways to re-engage with life. I made a plan to participate in as much of summer residency as I could. I’m not enrolled but it’s all virtual because of the pandemic. Some is pre-recorded video which I may not have access to but some of it is zoom. So I highlighted all the things I could tune in for on the schedule. Yesterday was the first full day of content.

I jumped on the Zoom for two lectures and one of the faculty reading events plus the “Library Pub” meet-up after the faculty reading. It was satisfying in the way that I felt I was doing something and was with a group I felt I belonged to. Seeing all the tiny zoom squares with other students and faculty was nice. Sad that it can’t be in person but, you know, just familiar enough that I finally felt the funk start to fade a bit.

Then I checked my email. In it was not 1 but 3 messages from the program coordinator reminding me that the content was for current students and faculty only. One message to remind me, which was very tactful. A second message that provided some reasoning behind it which was kind of snarky (and in my opinion, just a bunch of BS). And a third message confirming what events are “off limits” and what events are ok to attend. Completely unnecessary.

Apparently the graduating student events are within the legal limits. So I guess that’s going to have to be enough for this go round. But it still irks me, you know. I mean what freaking difference does it make to have one more person join a meeting??! It’s not like I am taking advantage to the point where I’m trying to participate in student-only content like workshops or mentor introduction sessions. It’s just tuning in to watch someone give a lecture or do a reading.

If the residency was in person, there would be alumni and / or other folks who pop in to the session and sit and watch. Yes, it’s in sort of a remote location, but people in the local Omaha metro area are close enough to visit for a day or a session.

I dunno. Maybe I’m taking advantage of the system, but it’s not doing anyone any harm. After reading the emails, I felt a little bummed. It’s like.. like it added insult to injury.

These layers of insult and injury are frustrating. I’m literally trying to walk right now and the treadmill and a set at 2.5, slower than my usual pace. I’m limping along trying to walk in a way that does not involve the big toe of my right foot. It’s both ridiculous and annoying. Whatever.


It’s Sunday and the house is sleeping-in. I’ve probably got at least another hour before people start to emerge from their rooms. I need to put my energy into something and think I might return to poetry submissions in the spirit of focusing on my “writing life” in leu of not being able to participate in Res the way I’d like.

Today Z and I are going shopping for dorm room essentials. It’s one of the things she’s been looking forward to for quite a while now.

She’s enthusiastic about living on her own and getting to decorate that space, however tiny. And getting to do that with her is another bright spot that I can’t dismiss. She’s been showing me pictures from the internet with other people’s dorm rooms and we’ve been discussing color combinations and all the ways to make the space functional.

I’m excited for her and really embracing the sliver of hope that it can all happen as planned. I’m trying to push away the thought that this experience will be stolen from her as well. The damn pandemic can’t last forever. She’s got a world of experiences ahead of her and I need to help her focus on the positive.

If I could only give myself the same pep-talk. Ha!

Anyway. I’ve successfully limped my way through about an hour of music and musing about life. As it often does, it has made me feel better. And that is good.

Time to get to that poetry submission thing I said that I was going to try this morning.

Peace and love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-01 Change is Sometimes Neither Fast Nor Easy

About 16 days ago I decided I had enough of feeling shitty every freaking day and set out on a mission to figure it out and turn things around. i decided the first step was to do a substance cleanse and get my body free of chemicals that alter my mood, help me sleep or calm my anxiety. I was all-in and knew it was what needed to happen.

I vowed that I would cut that shit out for 15 days and then re-evaluate to see how I was feeling and add other mods into my routine. Give myself an uptick in good behaviors like hydration and eating more fruits and veg. But I found out pretty quickly that i couldn’t just make a declaration and it would magically come to pass.

Day 2 I felt like garbage and by day 3 I was throwing my hands up in the air in despair. I honestly didn’t know I was suffering withdrawal until I saw a physician and heard his assessment. That day was one of the worst I’ve ever had. And the relief I felt when I gave in and took a Xanax and went back to bed was all the proof I needed that he was right.

So instead of cold turkey, I’m taking it slow and reducing my dose in small increments. The prescribed plan is like 12 weeks but I’ve been working the numbers and charting my dose and symptoms and think I can do it it 8. That’s still a lot longer than the 2 weeks I was originally hoping for.

I’ve also not been able to cut out caffeine. But I’ve been charting my headaches too and have minimized my daily intake quite a bit. Like I said, it’s been about 16 days since I stomped my foot and declared these changes, and I have successfully reduced the caffeine to about 1 cup of coffee a day. It feels like a win to me.

Of course the third part of my substance trifecta was alcohol. I haven’t had a sip since June 13. It’s been the easiest part of my plan by far. I think the first time I really missed it was when I returned from Colorado and Jim suggested we have a few drinks while I fill him in on the details of my trip. I declined (but still spent a fair bit of talking about everything Z and I saw and did).

Despite the change-up In the master plan and slowing some things down considerably, I can still feel an improvement in my health. I feel better waking up in the morning and am not dreading the day like I was. I’m starting to be excited again about the things going on in my life instead of feeling so burdened by responsibility.

And I am actually sleeping better even though I’m not taking as much of the Lorazepam as I was. That’s freaking incredible. I’m just now rolling into week 3 of my 8 week plan but already looking forward to the day when I’m done-done with that shit!

All of this validates that change is sometimes neither fast or easy. But it’s always good to have goals and measures so you can keep track of how it’s going.

Also not to be dismissed is the need for a llama in the story. Something interesting, something to look forward to, something that’s providing internal satisfaction.. feeding the soul.

The llama in my “Take Back the City Tour” was the road trip I took with my daughter. It was very restorative to disconnect from work and get a change in scenery for a few days. The mental health variable in the grand equation of overall health is so important. Everything is connected!

Today is the first day of the second half of 2020. We are half a year into what will probably go down in history as one of the most trying years of the century. No human can escape the impact of the pandemic. No person in America is isolated from events that are changing the climate of our country.. politically, socially, economically.

There too, change is painful and a struggle. It’s a large scale example of what neither fast nor easy looks like. But as I have hope that I can find peace and health for myself, so too do I have hope that we as a society can take steps toward positive change.

I don’t have any answers but I know that “cold turkey” is not the Way.

I digress. I’m officially calling today the end of my “Tour” and will return now, somewhat, to my regularly scheduled programming. I’ll still be on the lookout for the next Llama or Ostrich. Everyone should make time for that!

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-01 Change is Sometimes Neither Fast Nor Easy

About 16 days ago I decided I had enough of feeling shitty every freaking day and set out on a mission to figure it out and turn things around. i decided the first step was to do a substance cleanse and get my body free of chemicals that alter my mood, help me sleep or calm my anxiety. I was all-in and knew it was what needed to happen.

I vowed that I would cut that shit out for 15 days and then re-evaluate to see how I was feeling and add other mods into my routine. Give myself an uptick in good behaviors like hydration and eating more fruits and veg. But I found out pretty quickly that i couldn’t just make a declaration and it would magically come to pass.

Day 2 I felt like garbage and by day 3 I was throwing my hands up in the air in despair. I honestly didn’t know I was suffering withdrawal until I saw a physician and heard his assessment. That day was one of the worst I’ve ever had. And the relief I felt when I gave in and took a Xanax and went back to bed was all the proof I needed that he was right.

So instead of cold turkey, I’m taking it slow and reducing my dose in small increments. The prescribed plan is like 12 weeks but I’ve been working the numbers and charting my dose and symptoms and think I can do it it 8. That’s still a lot longer than the 2 weeks I was originally hoping for.

I’ve also not been able to cut out caffeine. But I’ve been charting my headaches too and have minimized my daily intake quite a bit. Like I said, it’s been about 16 days since I stomped my foot and declared these changes, and I have successfully reduced the caffeine to about 1 cup of coffee a day. It feels like a win to me.

Of course the third part of my substance trifecta was alcohol. I haven’t had a sip since June 13. It’s been the easiest part of my plan by far. I think the first time I really missed it was when I returned from Colorado and Jim suggested we have a few drinks while I fill him in on the details of my trip. I declined (but still spent a fair bit of talking about everything Z and I saw and did).

Despite the change-up In the master plan and slowing some things down considerably, I can still feel an improvement in my health. I feel better waking up in the morning and am not dreading the day like I was. I’m starting to be excited again about the things going on in my life instead of feeling so burdened by responsibility.

And I am actually sleeping better even though I’m not taking as much of the Lorazepam as I was. That’s freaking incredible. I’m just now rolling into week 3 of my 8 week plan but already looking forward to the day when I’m done-done with that shit!

All of this validates that change is sometimes neither fast or easy. But it’s always good to have goals and measures so you can keep track of how it’s going.

Also not to be dismissed is the need for a llama in the story. Something interesting, something to look forward to, something that’s providing internal satisfaction.. feeding the soul.

The llama in my “Take Back the City Tour” was the road trip I took with my daughter. It was very restorative to disconnect from work and get a change in scenery for a few days. The mental health variable in the grand equation of overall health is so important. Everything is connected!

Today is the first day of the second half of 2020. We are half a year into what will probably go down in history as one of the most trying years of the century. No human can escape the impact of the pandemic. No person in America is isolated from events that are changing the climate of our country.. politically, socially, economically.

There too, change is painful and a struggle. It’s a large scale example of what neither fast nor easy looks like. But as I have hope that I can find peace and health for myself, so too do I have hope that we as a society can take steps toward positive change.

I don’t have any answers but I know that “cold turkey” is not the Way.

I digress. I’m officially calling today the end of my “Tour” and will return now, somewhat, to my regularly scheduled programming. I’ll still be on the lookout for the next Llama or Ostrich. Everyone should make time for that!

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-06-27 Take Back the City Tour: Day 🤷‍♀️ Health Check

Somewhere along the way I’ve gotten messed up on what day it is. That happens when you miss accounting some days and double up on others. What I have been keeping track of on my handy-dandy paper calendar is the following:

  • What my Lorazepam dose is
  • What week it is in my plan to come down off that evil drug
  • How much caffeine I’m having
  • What time my nasty head symptoms present each day
  • And if I wake with a headache

As always, my sleep and my steps get recorded by my FitBit but I’m not watching that too closely for any connections. Perhaps I should, given the inherent connections, but I’m just focusing on how I feel, mind and body, and the chemicals I’m ingesting.

The abstinence from alcohol has been easy-peasy. I don’t really miss it. I think that when I’m done with this initial cleanse, I can just keep that up, except for the occasional happy hour. I’m also wearing my reading glasses more reliably than I was before and that’s probably helping too.

My original plan was to go for 15 days cutting the benzodiazepines, caffeine, and alcohol. My plan was thwarted on like day or 3 when I experienced a crash from withdrawal. At that point i saw a physician, had some tests, and got put on a better plan. Now it’s been another week and a few days and I’m following the prescribed plan as best as I can.

Even with the change in plans, I’m already feeling a ton better than I was two weeks ago. I’d go so far as to say I’m rediscovering what healthy feels like. I’ve been here before so I know what healthy feels like.

The strange thing is, I don’t know when I lost it (the healthy feeling) or why. In 2017 I was a wreck and had to take drastic action to put myself right again. So when did it slip out of my grasp again?

I mean, I’m in a great relationship. My kids are doing well, I get regular exercise and do several things for myself to feed my need for interaction and to flex the creative part of my brain.

Was it just too much change too fast? Moving, marriage, integration of households? Is it my job.. Too much stress? Could it be the pandemic and all the chaos and uncertainty in the world? Could it be politics and the divided shambles America has become? The constant dose of insanity and stupidity from our president. Can we get a step down plan for that hot mess too?

And how is it that in 2020, cops are still killing black people? And that the vicious cycle only perpetuates itself. And then here we are again, nearing the end of June and the daily news is waxing once again with the pandemic and politics. These serious and impactful events that shape our lives get swept under other news du-jour.

Sometimes I say everything is connected. Most of the time I’m talking about internally. Like the body and mind and soul. But it’s bigger than me. It’s all the external stimulus too. The ecosystem of the earth, the economy of the world, social and political constructs of civilization. It’s everything from the dwindling numbers of honeybees and the escalating conflicts between north and South Korea.

It’s a person making a choice to not to wear a mask in public.

It’s a parent who doesn’t teach their child about what’s right and wrong, or talk to them about current events, or lay down the law when they make mistakes. Or worse yet, teach them through their bad behaviors that lack compassion and sensibility. It’s kinda hard to witness. It’s also hard to hold inside and hold my tongue. But it’s complicated.

I’m not perfect and I’ve made mistakes and part of my angst, which I am sure contributes to my health, is the worry that I’m not doing all I should be.

This is probably enough wandering for one Saturday. I’ve got my sweet daughter sleeping in a room three floors above me in this hotel in the middle of Colorado and it’s time to make my words meet my own actions. We’ve got a fairly solid plan for today and my goal is to satisfy the thrill seeker inside her. So it’s off to the Royal Gorge we go!

Until Next Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-06-26 Take Back the City Tour: Day 12 – The Quest for Ben and Jerry’s

My daughter and I have different styles for vacations and road trips. Or perhaps years of experience has shaped my style into being more rigid and regimented. At this juncture, I think it’s important to note that sometimes life is better when you let go of what you have learned and just accept the day as it comes. It’s better to be free of expectation. It’s better to not care that time is short and even though you want to get the most out of life that you can, it’s not great to try and do too much. It is, in a way, freedom, to be on a road trip and sleep until 1PM and give your body the restoration it is craving.

It is my way to try and pack a day full of activities and sites. To worry about how long it takes to get from here to there and to always be on-time. It is my way to get frustrated if there is not a solid plan and what I am learning from my daughter is that sometimes the best memories happen when there is no plan and you just go with the flow of the moment.

Yes, I researched all kinds of things to do in Colorado Springs. We had a nice visit with my sister yesterday and took a brunch out to a park and sat on blankets in the shade. She gave me all kinds of suggestions on where to go from there and when we had to pack up and get going (because she had to go to work), we went back to her apartment and I started preparing to leave.

Z, on the other hand, laid back down in the bed and proceeded to fall asleep. 10AM and she crashed out in the spare bed in my sisters spare bedroom and there I was, rushing to get on with the day. I let her sleep. She was so grumpy the day before on our drive and I kind of knew it was what she needed. I probably should have followed suit and climbed back into the bed too but I knew I would just lay there thinking about stuff.

Instead, I did a bit of this and that on my laptop. Responded to emails. Had a work call. Accepted another call directly from my PM and did just enough to feel good about where things were at. I’m behind schedule on a task and, in prioritizing this trip, knew it was not going to get done by the time they wanted it to be done. It is atypical for me, and I struggle with the balance on a daily basis, but it is necessary.

Anyway, once she did wake up, we really had no plan for the day other than to make our way south to Colorado Springs. We had booked a room at a castle (of all places) and only had a little list in our heads of where else we could go. It was really hot out, and hiking seemed very unappealing. Hiking, in general is unappealing for my pudding pie. She’d rather just drive and watch the scenery from the car and maybe every once and a while get out and take a snap.

One of the things she’s been craving is Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. We had stopped at two gas stations thus far looking for those little single serving containers (which generally contain 2.5 servings). One was a Circle K and the Other was a Loves. We did not meet with success on those tries.

Once we got to Colorado Springs it was time to check into our Castle and so we did that after which we wandered around the grounds with a little map looking for the points of interest: the rose garden, the eagles nest, and the trust course. The scenery here at Glen Erie Castle is pretty cool, but those points of interest were quite underwhelming. With the Garden of the Gods a short car ride away, it felt like folly to spend any more time at all here. So we jumped in the car to head out again.

But she did not want to go to the garden of the gods. She said she wanted to do that tomorrow. We decided to go to Cheyenne Canyon instead. But the quest for Icre Cream took priority. No, Haagendaz was not an option, and nether was whatever generic brand each gas station was sporting. We googled “Ben and Jerry’s” and found one on the map that was 20 minutes north. So we headed that way.

When we arrived at the sprawling plaza of eateries, dentist offices, liquor stores and movie theaters there was no Ben and Jerries to be found. Google maps wanted us to go down a parking lot road that was completely closed off and the giant building before us turned out to be a Great Wolf Lodge (closed due to the pandemic). The whole lot was vacant. Near as we could guess, the Ben and Jerries was inside the GWL and so we were foiled again.

We stopped at a nearby Kum and Go and had no luck there either. Then across the way we spotted a Sinclair gas station and as we crossed the main thoroughfare, the 7-eleven came into focus. We stopped in and much to my surprise – Waaalaaa – there it was. The freezer with a great selection of Ben and Jerry’s. I was doing a little happy dance inside because this would make her so satisfied. She grabbed her “Brownie Chunk” (and a set of plastic spoons), and we made away like bandits with our treasure.

Now, now we could finally, at 6PM hit some scenery that Colorado Springs is known for. We drove to and up Cheyenne Canyon. We stopped at one of the more popular stops with a waterfall and watched for a bit as other human beings passed by and frolicked around the water. She does not like crowds and either do I. We would have walked up and around the falls but there were too many people and there was very little social distancing going on (let alone masks). It felt very inconsiderate.

We drove to the top of the canyon and parked at another lot there and walked a wide gravel and dirt trail for about 30 minutes. It was nice just to walk and talk and I would say that was more important than the scenery. I took a few pics but the best ones were of her. I discovered in telling to her that these scenic adventures don’t do much for her unless there are animals involved.

She was excited to tell me about a time she saw a bear in Yellowstone with her dad and once when there was an Elk right outside her tent and even a Giant horse fly they thought had a huge stinger and a couple of silk worms that hitched a ride from A to B on one of their trips.

Yesterday we saw a female deer in town, and a wild turkey, and several species of birds we had not seem before. We saw a pretty good sized lizard in the rose garden at the castle and she named him “Joe”.

I said “oh, Joe. That’s my new internal medicine doctor. What a coincidence!”. We both laughed.

Right now as I type this, she is still sleeping. I could not sleep much past 6 and now it is almost 8. I wandered out of the room and got ice water from the machine down the hall. I wandered into an area labeled as private because the sign said “Great Hall” and I kind of wanted to know what a “Great Hall” looked like. It was big, and kind of ornate, but maybe like the rest of this castle, a little over promised and under-delivered.

I’m going to wrap now and check to see if breakfast is open yet. It’s included with our stay but a “grab and go” kind of a situation”. I’d really like to have a coffee. I know part of my substance cleanse includes minimizing caffeine but I’m going to give myself a little wiggle room on that for a few days.

First it was 2 out of 3 aint bad and now it’s 1 out of 3 is good enough. I’m in the final 3rd of this “Take Back the City tour” as of today and will be looking to finish out this month feeling better mentally and physically than when I started.

I am doing the very best that I can and that is all I can ask of myself at this point.

Cheers to Another Day of Unplanned Adventure,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-06-11 Elusive Quests and Familiar Territory

Have you ever played a game like world of Warcraft where you were given the option to go on quests? I have. I had a brief encounter with WOW in 2010/2011 where I entertained the idea of becoming a mage and venturing out on endless numbers of quests and taking on battles and running around discovering all that the virtual WOW world had to offer.

It’s sort of satisfying and fun but at the end of the day, when I had sunk real hours of my real life into an imaginary life, it kinda made me feel a little sick. Time is so precious. I quit and didn’t look back.

Now here I am, years later, reinventing a new character (that I wish had magical powers of some sort) and life keeps handing me these quests and challenges and puzzles. Like the WOW quests, some are tougher than others.

For example, this past weekend the AC went out in one of the areas of our house. I happen to be the resident HVAC expert and have already tackled several similar challenges with my previous character. I did the troubleshooting. Found the problem was with a faulty thermostat, and took steps to get a new thermostat and install it.

Just like that /slaps hands together “no problemo” style .

I had my son help me do the uninstall of the old one and reinstall the new one. My darling daughter was sleeping and so we did not disturb her. It was kinda nice to have some QT with just my son and also a good teaching moment.

That was like a level 3 quest. The universe was probably irritated that I tackled it so easily and so a new challenge was issued.

In order to skip the full backstory, I’ll just offer that there are a few members of our household that have some serious dietary restrictions because of a medical condition. Other members of the household are spoiled and have their dietary “needs” catered to each week.

Part of my new role as household engineer is to make sure everyone’s needs are met. That’s a fancy way of saying I’m the one who does the grocery shopping.

Anyway, several typical items have gone missing lately. It must be understood that I enjoy providing for my crew. I like cooking and shopping and seeing everyone is taken care of. This includes humans, cats, birds, and fish. It’s a healthy house and they need me. It feels great to be needed.

This week I have failed this quest so far. I’ve been to SIX stores looking for three or four specific things and have been denied. Yesterday I cooked chicken breast and forgot it was cooking and baked the bird parts into solid little bricks (and might have ruined the pan too).

Two days this week I have not heard the alarm go off and missed breakfast. And today.. there was nothing prepared that Jim could take in his lunch. It’s his CB day and so he can’t come home for lunch and has to have something to take. I forgot it was Thursday.

Since my win on Tuesday with the thermostat swap, it’s been fail after fail.

Don’t even get me started on the complicated development of events regarding my daughter.

Don’t even get me started on my work taking over my life again and Jim “feeling it”.

Don’t get me started on how it affects me that I can’t be there when they need me. And trust me when I say the grocery thing is just a symptom of a larger systemic issue. It’s 2015 all over again and I barely survived what happened then.

This time has the potential to be way worse. I mean, it’s a pandemic and tensions are high and people are getting twitchy missing “normal” life. The peaks have been higher the last couple years so it stands to reason the valleys can be lower. I’m not equipped for that.

Corrective actions are required immediately. What those are, I don’t know. Where’s the “help” button? How can I toggle to the alternate screen to see what the map looks like or check my bag for supplies? Where did I leave my “time stop” potion?

The only things I have left to say on this subject would lead to seriously mixing my metaphors and ain’t nobody got time for that.

Instead. I’m going to cut it here and see if I can go figure out how to level up.

Game On,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-23 Laundry Day 🐱

Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I was on such an emotional edge almost all day and barely made it through all the things I had to do.

I participated in an early meeting with a client in which my only responsibility was to take notes and have my brain on to ask intelligent questions. I had no intelligent questions and spent most of the meeting with my head down on the desk. It’s a good thing that everything is Zoom and with the customer it’s audio only.

To be honest, I’m all Zoomed out.

The second meeting was out daily internal team meeting. I said “fuck it” nobody reads these notes anyhow so I didn’t take notes. I mean, I like having the notes because Confluence makes it easy to search for stuff and when people ask about a certain thing, it makes me seem like a damn genius because I have the answer in like a minute.

Again, had my head down listening to the same broken record conversation as every day and thinking about Z and C and how effed up things are right now, I wept. I literally put myself on mute and fought really hard to keep myself together but then let go.

I was also getting FB instant messenger notifications on my phone from my writing group and one of my friends was going through the loss of a pet and I knew that’s what it was about and it just hurts me to think of her hurting and to remember loosing Louie Louie. My sweet first pet as an adult. It was just all too much.

I took some time in the afternoon to get some more of my annuals in pots before the rain came and then it was back inside for my third meeting of the day… sprint retrospective.

This time I was up front about not taking notes. I told the PM before hand that I was having a tough day and didn’t feel like the internal notes for this wasn’t really necessary. Which was self-serving, but whatever.

This time I had more to say so I had to pay attention for my opportunities. The project is on two week sprints and the devs have established a bad pattern of not getting their tickets done. They are supposed to do their work, internal code reviews with each other and then merge all the code changes into the dev branch where KK and I can log in and do QA testing. The tickets can’t be closed until we QA them. So if they wait until the last day of the sprint (or even worse, the weekend after), KK and I are stuck testing on the weekend. That fucking sucks!

She’s the PM and responsible for steering the ship and helping correct that behavior, but there was some serious push back and discussion. If it does not change with the next sprint (after which we release a new version to the customer), it’s going to murder us. I know it’s going to happen again and that makes me want to cry too.

Last time we released to the customer we went into Friday with so much broken it was sickening. We worked our asses off all weekend. Our bosses bought us lunch on Sunday and the week after I received flowers from the company.

To that I say, that’s nice.. and thoughtful, and appreciated, but it doesn’t make up for the lost time with family or the anxiety that affects my health. If I’m burned out or dead, I’ll be useless to the project. It’s disturbing.

What did I not have to do?

I basically ducked out of three different personal meetups yesterday. Virtual happy hour with my company and I was so wrecked that was the last thing I wanted to do. Another one on one with a friend who I’ve been trying to connect with for a while and I just reached out to her to reschedule. And a third meetup with Josh who wanted to meet in person and I just wasn’t in the mood for dealing with the anxiety of that, nor did I feel like getting in my car to drive to meet him. You know, putting real clothes on and trying to make it look like I hadn’t been crying all morning.

So that’s me venting. And I let go last night and drank a bunch and Jim and I had a good night of saying “fuck it” to everything. We got take out. We talked all evening and I have no idea what time we stumbled to the bedroom.

Today I’m not doing any laundry, except maybe airing this dirty nonsense.

I’ve got work to do. I’ve got lit mag stuff to do. And Z Is coming back home so we can hang out more just the two of us.

My aim? Balance and restoration.

That’s it. Thanks for reading.
Happy Caturday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-11 No Rest For the Wicked

I worked all weekend. I didn’t have a weekend. It’s Monday and I’m exhausted. And there’s miles to go and I don’t even have time to say what I want to say or write what I want to write or have the quality time I so desperately need.

A person can do this for a while. You know, but it’s not sustainable and the Universe help me if I haven’t learned my lesson by now. So many trips around the sun. So many missed opportunities to gaze at the moon. Life has handed my a good life on a silver platter and I waste it. Shame, shame, shame on me.

I’m hanging my head low and at the same time, my heart races to dive into things. There’s a light in my eyes when I see the shiny things. And somehow, I just, just can’t help myself.

I do want to get specific here. I owe myself more than these nebulous thoughts. I want to remember what it was today when I get to tomorrow and today turns into yesterday, before yesterday fades into the past.

But there’s no time now. Damnit!!

My fingers are crossed for today and tomorrow.

Tick-Tock,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-15 Rediscovering the Bloom Inside…

Yesterday I felt something I’ve not felt in a while, a little feeling that I had not even realized was missing. It’s something akin to freedom. Some notion not based in logic or reason, but emanating from my insides and manifesting in my socked feet sliding across the kitchen floor.

I asked Alexa to play Sweet 98 5, which is our local pop radio station. Out pours Britney Spears singing “ooops I did it again” and Hozier belting out “take me to church”. I danced alone in my kitchen to my good friend Tay-Tay singing “if I was a man”. I nodded in agreement and said “so true!” with no one there to hear it.

And then Green Day came on singing “I think we’re alone now”. And my jaw just dropped. So much awesome! Not only was I immediately transported back in time to when the Tiffany version was popular, but Green Day!! Wow! Oh radio, how I’ve missed you so. Oh dancing alone in the kitchen where have you been?

When they talk about the pursuit of happiness why don’t they mention this? Is it implied? Is it written in the bylaws between the lines? How can one forget that this exists for so long?

I carried that feeling with me into the afternoon and evening and when Jim came home from work I was still being silly and cracking jokes. He asked me if I’d had an edible or an adult beverage. “Nope”, I said. Just feeling great.

You know. I love music and spontaneous dancing but somehow when I moved into this house I’ve been shy about of it. Could it be the cameras that are always on? Perhaps that’s a factor.

But the bigger factor is probably stress and pressure from responsibility. I thought about this yesterday. It’s all moved so fast and I don’t like things that go to fast. My preferred pace is slowish. Each season for the past 2 years has brought big changes and the need to adjust…

March of 2018 Jim and I met.
August 26, 2018 we got engaged.
October I start working full time again.
January 25, the kids and I moved into his house.
By the end of May I ended my work contract and took up “household management” full time.
July I pick back up with school again With 19 credit hours.
December we are deep in wedding planning.
February 2, 2030 we get married and shortly thereafter have what we did not know would be the last vacation we would get for a while.
March Corona becomes a household name and my work ramps up again. They cancel school for the rest of the year and we have to adjust daily to new rules and horrific news coming in the speakers from the outside.
April we’re on serious lockdown and the shape of the world has been altered. My thesis is due and while everything comes to a screeching halt on the outside, there’s so much going on inside I can’t sleep right at night. No end in sight yet.

This is the life of the new modern man. I just need to remind myself of the beauty in the world and the joy in small moments. Like dancing in the kitchen and poetry and elevating those for the sake of my sanity and happiness.

Yesterday I got it right, finally. But the question is, can I pull off a repeat performance? As always, time will tell.

That’s it for today folks. Lots to do and I’m in the mood to kick ass.

With Love from my corner of the Universe to yours,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-26 Chickens and Squirrels and Pies, Oh My 🐓🐿 🥧

I might start by mentioning that I did land on a few goals for the year but that news is so two days ago.

I could go on a long tangent about the rabbit hole that I found myself in with domain management, web hosting, and WordPress theme customization. But that’s just yesterday’s news.

Then there’s the fact that the US Passport system requires you to actually send the physical certified copy of your marriage license to get a new book with your new legal name. So it’s a good thing We originally paid for two copies. Again, I’m so over yesterday’s news.

What is it today then? The answer is.. it depends.

If you ask the MFA student that has revisions of about 25 poems due in two days, she would tell you that’s what’s on the agenda.

If you ask the wife who wants very much to do enough that she feels she adds value to the team, she would tell you she’s going grocery shopping again. This time to stock up on extra supplies in case the Corona Virus really does start to cause disruption to daily life in America.

If you ask the mom. She’d say, “same story, different day”.

And the woman who didn’t sleep well last night because her mind refused to rest would say that she’s surprised the doxylamine succinate didn’t work and is irritated to still have morning after medicine head (but she took caffeine and made it to the treadmill anyway).

I’m supposed to meet with Josh today to get coffee or go for a walk but that’s just so unappealing. I’ve got so many other things to attend to. For real!

I really would like to section off my day and spend 1 to 2 hours with heads down focus on different tasks, but part of me wonders if it isn’t better to let myself get lost in one thing (like revisions or website development or housework) for as long as it takes?

I think my not being able to shut my brain off has something to do with all the pies my fingers are in right now. And also my need for instant gratification. So my name changed and I just want that to proliferate everywhere but that’s not how that works. It takes a lot of calls, time on the internet, and visits to certain offices in person.

How can I focus on my thesis manuscript when there are so many squirrels, chickens, and shiny objects to look at and chase.

If I was being disingenuous, I would hide the fact that I’m also fixing to get my fix of the Bachelor soon. Yes, it’s high on my priority list and really— what is a girl to do??!!

The answer for that one, at least, is to multitask. I can have the show on while I fold laundry and perhaps even work on the new website. It will be an interesting experiment anyway. In the end, I should be able to tell what my real priorities are.

With that, I’m going to cut this session short and dive into the day. If I do meet up with Josh I will probably get more walking anyway. See.. that’s me trying to think positively about it. 😊

Hiding from Squirrels, 🐿

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Today’s featured image was brought to you by the girl who went on the most amazing honeymoon and didn’t even get to write about it.

(This one is a view of the Taro Fields from Hanalei National Wildlife Refuge)