2021-04-30 When they Ask What Superpower You Want, Don’t Be Too Hasty

I daydream sometimes about what it would be like if I could control time. That’s not exactly right. It’s not a daydream of control. It’s not a daydream at all actually. It’s a longing for time to slow down enough for me to enjoy things at my own pace. My own pace is apparently slow.. like a desert cactus growing a new arm. 

Returning from vacation I found myself feverishly rushing to write all about it, remember all the details, sort through pictures to pick my favorites and document it all. And for what? So I can never look at any of it ever again? To forget it as the reality of daily life comes back into focus and the “next thing” screams for my attention. 

It’s predictable. I have two more blog posts I wanted to write about vacation but that’s so five days ago. A world of experiences has occurred since then and now trying to return to those final moments of vacation feels like a pipe dream. 

Then there’s the conundrum of chronology to contend with. I have this unhealthy desire for trying to create order in the chaos. It’s unacceptable for me to write this, and stick it in the middle of a lovely flow of wonderful posts about vacation, and then somehow unnaturally return to finish out that series.

Years from now I won’t look back at these days at all and it will not matter, yet I can’t seem to figure out how to just do it. Except to maybe just do it and try to forget it. It’s like a puzzle with no solution but to burn the puzzle beyond recognition. 

I have so much to say. 

And I don’t have enough time to explore it all. Not in the way I would prefer anyway. 

Tell me again when I will arrive at the place where I can enjoy the life that’s been handed to me? This semi-charmed life? 

I’ve been working on a PowerPoint presentation for a workshop I’ve agreed to facilitate, which is happening tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about it, as these things go, my social and presentation anxiety get the better of me. But I seem to be getting better at just not thinking about it too much and focusing on other details. 

I admitted to the woman who teaches the body pump and body flow classes at the fitness center I’m now going to that I was terrified of presenting. It’s true. It’s definitely not in my wheelhouse but as these things go, I agreed to do it because it’s an opportunity to promote my lit mag and make some human connections. So, selfishly I agreed to lead a workshop. 

The teacher of these exercise classes said that if you are scared, it’s a good thing because it means you are pushing yourself and it’s an opportinity to learn and grow. That’s such a positive way to look at the situation and I appreciate that. She’s a good person. 

As I write this, I still have one big toe that is grounded in that vacation space and won’t let go. The rest of me has moved on. The rest of me is looking forward. The rest of me doesn’t seem to even have enough time to brain dump about every damn big thing that happened this week. 

My moms first chemo treatment. Our household finally being fully vaccinated. The drug interaction that caused me to feel as if I was at death’s door (not related to the vaccine).The visit I had with my dad yesterday. The Johnny Carson scholarship that my daughter earned that she didn’t even apply for. The old friend (30 years have passed since we were friends) that called me out of the blue. The other old friend that texted me out of the blue, who I haven’t seen since my wedding. So much is happening yet there is not enough time for me to mentally process it all.

I just want time to slow down. When asked what superpower I wanted, I should have paused. Thought about it a little longer before blurting out, “invisibility.” If only I had a time machine to go back and fix that. 😜

I may not be able to control time, but I do have complete authority of the chronology of my words. Which is why this might not get posted until I’m damn satisfied with my vacation series. 

Take THAT Universe! 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-12 The Clandestine Miss SugarCookie Surprisingly Secures Seven Hundred Followers… 💃💃💃

Sometime in the last few weeks, the number of followers for my WordPress blogs tip-toed over the threshold of 700. It only took like 4 years. 😜 (Technically 10.5 years since I started my first WordPress blog in 2010.)

It’s actually pretty good for a random human simply musing day-in-and-day-out about the same 12 topics. Over time I’ve had many thoughts about what I could do to make this blog into a more helpful, marketable, informative, or entertaining place to visit. And each time I get an idea about that, it feels like more work than it’s worth. Plus I can’t seriously commit to rating cheeseburgers, being a travel blogger, or trying to give advice about ANYTHING as a self-proclaimed expert.

To be fair, there are literally thousands of folks out there just like me trying to utilize WordPress to build their name or establish a brand for what they are interested in “selling” or what they are passionate about. So the world doesn’t really need or want any more of that. Or maybe we do, because every human connection is valuable to someone. But it’s not what I’m about here. 

So what am I about? Why do I keep doing this week after week?

Well, the tag line for this blog has not changed since its inception four years ago. It’s my attempt to put focus, each and every day on living a healthy and more fulfilling life. I’ve lost my way in life a few times, and part of that comes from coasting and not really paying attention to time passing. How can a person lose 5 years of their life and not realize that is happening? The answer is pretty freaking easily if said person goes about their business every day working for someone else without thoughts for what they really want to get out of life for themselves. 

My life has changed drastically over the last four years and I can honestly say I feel like I have the secret to living the life I want to live figured out. However, it doesn’t matter how sweet things have become, the daily struggles in life persist.

I may think I have it all figured out but I still have days (sometimes weeks) where I’m in a funk and just can’t seem to snap out of the rotten mood I’ve found myself in. Kind of like yesterday.

I’ve been told to keep my personal melodrama out of my poetry for my own good, but this blog is a different beast and so I have zero issues confessing that I broke into tears like 5 times yesterday. Maybe more. 

My emotional swells were exacerbated by the random watching of the movie 2012 with Jim and Z yesterday afternoon. When I saw that is what they were watching, I was all like “oh this is the one where they all almost die like 50 times. Not an exaggeration.

In fact, if you count all the “near misses” of buildings and bridges crashing down, the ground opening, and last second getaways, it might be in the hundreds. I knew this when I started watching and it still…. STILL got to me. Each emotional moment of the “families” journey made me cry. What the hell.??!!

At least that was sort of heart-wrenching. What’s not heart-wrenching is a rando episode of bachelor in paradise which also made me cry. That’s when I know it’s hormones or some other bullshit causing me grief and not actual sad stuff. My poor daughter looks at me and says “oh mama.” She reaches over from the adjacent couch, touches my arm, and smiles. She gets me.

I say with a weak smile and tears welling up in my eyes, “yeah, it’s that time.” 

“That time” being any given day where I’m emotional for no reason. About 10 days ago I had my period, a whole week early, and now I’m spotting again which is not typical. So I’m definitely going to tag hormones as the cause. And they are probably also responsible for my persistent headache and upset stomach. 

Anyway, so yesterday was one of those strange funk days I struggled getting through, which is exactly why I can’t just declare I’ve got life figured out and drop the mic. 🎤

It’s why I need this blog. It’s my way to write through what’s ailing me and figure stuff out. It’s my therapy and the jumping-off point of all my crazy ideas, dreams, and personal experiments. It’s my version of therapy. And oh, by the way, it’s way cheaper than an actual therapist! 

Today the clandestine Miss SugarCookie has 706 followers and at least 4 actual humans reading on a regular basis. And I’m extremely grateful for each and every one!! 🥰

That’s it for Monday. Time to start climbing through the week. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-18 Let Me Tell You

I don’t care. I’ve never been a rule breaker, and it doesn’t seem fair, but with the kind of hour, day, month I’m having I no longer care. 

Let me just tell you when I was at the grocery store a few days ago doing that self check out thing I do, I scanned the cheese. No beep. Scanned it a second time. No beep. Scanned a third time and dropped it into my grocery bag. I don’t care. Hy-vee is a rip-off anyhow charging upwards of $1 more than Wal-Mart for just about every item on the shelf. It’s true… I’ve studied this on a number of visits. I only go because they have two things the family “needs” that Wal-Mart does not carry. So it is a necessary evil every couple of weeks. And it’s my “job.” But it doesn’t mean I have to care when their EQ doesn’t work. 

You know what else? Last night I arrived back at the Buffet Cancer Center to see my mom before visiting hours were up at 6PM and I stayed all the way till 10PM. On shift change the night nurse politely told us that policy says I had to leave and my mom basically told her that THEY said I could stay to watch a show with her.

The “show” she was referring to is the bachelor. It’s about the only thing my mom and I have in common and one way for us to actually spend some QT together before she goes under the knife. After the nurse left my mom looked at me and said “Yes, I fibbed. I don’t care.” I just smiled and shrugged. I guess I didn’t either. 

They lock the building at 8:30 so when I left after the show was over (past 10PM), the big automatic doors would not open. I was like.. “Well shit, how do I get out?” 

It says across the middle of the door, “In emergency, push to open.” For real. I look around and there’s nobody. No security guards or other visitors loitering about. Not a soul. Is it an emergency? Ummmm, I suppose it depends on how trapped you feel. I mean I didn’t feel trapped but if you’ve ever stood in front of an automatic sliding door before, like at Target or something and have it not open, you know, just push on it and it opens. So I pushed. 

It didn’t budge. So I pushed a little harder. It popped open slightly. I went out and had to push it closed behind me. I was then in the vestibule and had one more door to push through. That’s exactly what I did, but this time I had to push really hard and when it popped open, a small cylindrical metal piece with rivets on it flew off from the top of the door and landed on the ground in front of me. Cool. 

As I walked to my car I kind of laughed to myself, “sorry Pam, for breaking your door.” 

I don’t care. 

***

Let me just tell you it’s now three days later and they have been looooonnnnnng days. 

Two days ago I waited in the lobby for 4 hours AFTER my mom’s surgery was supposed to be over just to go see her for like 10 minutes. Nothing like being told she’d be in her room by 6PM and still being at the hospital at 9PM. I outlasted the front desk folks that screen visitors and the security guards again. This time, I was there to watch them “lock” the doors and as I sat with my laptop and watched I wondered if they were taking extra care because some delinquent pushed through the night before. Heh!

My mom is in ICU now and will be for another day. As of this morning I had not slept more than 4 hours each night and she’s been in the hospital for a week. Because of the nature of the surgery she had she will likely be in for another week (and that’s if all goes well). I’m kind of exhausted.

I ran out of Bachelor to watch and let me just tell you, sometimes you need mindless TV. So I started watching some other random season of the Bachelorette. I’ve never watched that before so I’ll be interested to see how it’s different. 

I think that’s it for all the rules I’ve broken lately. I’m not sure what today will bring. I sure am hoping for improved sleep. 

Peace Out,
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-15 This Room With a View is Not Helping My Mood

No walking on the treadmill for me today… I’m out of my element and typing on my laptop from a hospital room while my mom tries to take a nap. Though, I think sleep in this place is rare because of all the people coming and going. I’ve been here a few hours now and so far there has been a cleaning person, the nurses, the doctor’s main nurse, the physical therapist, and the “tech.” It’s a lot different than the last two days which have felt relatively calm and free from frequent “visitors.”

Today is the Ides again. I was thinking about that yesterday, that if anything, could they avoid making any changes or doing any kind of surgery today. The last thing we need is to tempt fate on this day which has historically been an ominous day for our family. I’m not very superstitious, but also don’t want to give the Universe a reason to throw wrenches. 

***

This morning I was in a bit of a mood. It might have started when the straw for my water bottle went missing or when I discovered that one of the kittens had peed on the clean clothes I had in a basket in the laundry room. I needlessly blamed my husband for both of these things (but didn’t say that out loud). He was just trying to be helpful by doing the dishes and laundry yesterday which I appreciate, but he doesn’t know what “not” to do so it ends up being more work. 

Really I think the anger is coming from a place deeper than small irritations. I’m a little exhausted, sure, but not terrible. I’m a little off in general because my daily routine has been turned sideways but it’s not that either. If I begin to describe my mom’s general disposition and attitude, I might get a little closer to the heart of the matter I think, but just like bronchitis, Aint nobody got time for that. 

***

It could be that typing while on the treadmill has ruined me completely for using a laptop. This feels so strange and to be fair, I’m in no mood to do it. That’s fine. It is what it is. 

More later…

or not. /shrug 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-20 Why I’m Doubling Down Today

Yesterday, just as I was developing the inspiration to write about all the sexcapaids I’ve had in my life, life interjected and shut that down. 

Here’s how the conversation went (paraphrasing of course)…

Life:  “Here.. read this and get angry” (hands me an email).

Me: 😬😬😬 (deep breath). “No! Not today life. I’m not letting this shit get to me today. I’ve got other plans.” 

Life: “Ok then. Let’s just see about that.” 

Me: “I’m gonna write a poem instead.” 

Life: “Haha. That’s funny.” 

Me: “Whatever. Give me my trigger.” 

Life: (snickers) “Sure thing boss. Today’s topic is sex. Ha!!” 

(Life knows I’d rather poke my own eyes out than write a poem about sex.)

Me: “Challenge accepted!” I start to write about the sex poem but didn’t get very far before Life looked down at his wrist and tapped his watch. 

Life: “Times up. You’ve got to go.” 

Me: “Fuck. I was just getting started. No matter, I’ll finish later.” 

Life: “Fat chance.” 

Me: “Shut up. It’s Friday and I have all damn day.” 

Life: “That’s what you think.” 

Me: “Whatever Life. Go suck it.” 

Then I hurried out the door and drove to CB to visit my dad. Stopped at Little King to pick us up some sandwiches. While at my dad’s, we sat at the kitchen table, ate, and I listened to a few new stories. Turns out, by random chance my dad enrolled in college one week before receiving his draft notice, narrowly escaping being thrown into the war. His life could have gone very differently and if it had, I would not be here writing this. I digress. 

After that visit, I hurried home continuing to think on the topic of the day. At red lights I would open my phone and read where I left off and tried to think of what would be next. I had soooooo many thoughts. So many directions I could take the topic. But then the light would turn green and I had to go again. 

Arriving home it was immediately time to leave again. This time to take my darling daughter to get her second moderna shot. She missed her appointment in Iowa on Saturday because she was sick and so the only opportunity was this “open clinic” set up at a church here in Omaha for people needing the second shot. Open meaning no appointments. Open meaning a line of hundreds of people through the church, out the door, and down the block. And a cluster of parking a situation. 

She begged me to wait with her and of course I did. Did I mention this line was outside??!! Did I mention I hadn’t changed from my morning walk or that I wasn’t wearing a coat?! Did I mention it was only 20 degrees outside??! I must really love my daughter to freeze my ass off for 1.5 hours outside and 1 hour inside that church waiting with her. 

Every time she took her phone out to look at something I thought maybe I could write standing in line. I took my phone out of my pocket and then she’d look at me and ask “what are you doing? Talk to me.” Ok, fine. 

Three grueling and freezing hours later, we were done and headed to pick up my son. Arriving home (after securing some drive through dinner for them) I was frustrated and just wanted to sink into the couch. But not without some food and drink of my own. 

Enter stage left, R-Taco and homemade margs. One margarita, two margaritas, three and done. 

Somewhere in there I had the wherewithal to post all I had written in the morning… which was not much. 

As I pushed the “publish” button I heard a maniacal laugh and looked over my shoulder at Life. 

Life: “Told you so.”

Me: “Fine. You win….Today. But I’m doubling down on tomorrow.”

Life: (With a big smile) “Perfect!”

***

Doubling down for real! Life will NOT best me two days in a row. Nope!!

Today is the second day in a row I’ve spent time inside a church. Today I went to Saint Vincent de Paul Catholic Church. Cuz…. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again. I’m talking about donating blood.

Today’s donation was a success as my hemoglobin came through at 13.0 (second finger stick as the first was 12.3 .. booo). I haven’t donated for over a year and it feels good to be able to do it again. Next one will be in April. Guess what else is in April? My next vacation.

I’m in charge of planning this time and it’s gonna be amazing. Don’t know where yet but that don’t matter. Wherever we go will be famous!!

Where was I going with this again? 

Oh yeah, doubling down on the day. It’s now past 5pm and I don’t even have a topic and I’ve wasted all my time writing about what happened yesterday. 

I went to a virtual workshop this morning which was all about sonnets and at the point where we had to free write is where I got stuck. None of the starters that were offered triggered anything in my brain and I ended up writing a few lines about Princess Diana and a quote of hers I heard once about chasing chicken around a plate. 

So rando, I know, but that’s how the brain works sometimes. Alas I could not produce any good lines from that, let alone an entire Sonnet so I’m still at square zero. 

Still. The day isn’t over yet. 

Life: (Tapping his watch again) “Clock is ticking.” 

That guy is really starting to get on my nerves. 

Later gaters, 🐊

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-18 A Serious Need to Not Take Anything Too Seriously

Having another one of those days. You know.. where I just want to tell the world to efffff off. Not you darlings though. Nope. 

This mood has been a fairly regular thing these weeks, I’m finding. I was soooooo tired this morning and tired of being tired. Caffeine helps but then I feel bad about being addicted to caffeine. Then I tell myself there are much worse things to be addicted to and that I’m being to hard on myself and then I pop another pill. 🤷‍♀️

Often I go round and round about this, and the result is always the same so why do I keep doing this to myself when there are bigger fish to fry? 

All of everything that I am concerned with is small. I have to remind myself that it’s tiny, tiny potato’s. Not enough to make one single helping of mashed taters…. AND that I have to not take anything too seriously. If I can just go about my day, with this in mind, it would be better. 

So much has changed in my life yet it’s bizarre, like super strange, how much never changes. A few days ago I remembered a blog I started on Tumblr in like 2010. A little bit of writing I had missed as I was organizing and backing up all my files for a rainy-fucking day that will never come. 

I logged in and pulled all those posts to my laptop, next stop is the external hard drive. I digress. 

Last night I began to reread these posts for something to do before bed. Super unproductive but whatevs. Mind you all that was written 10 years ago, so finding some of the same “issues” I’m still dealing with is … well….. comical. I mean, how else can I look at it? 

Yeah, I’m still struggling with body image issues and obsessive about my weight. Yeah, I’m still trying to eat healthy and failing. I still hate social media. I still worry I’m a bad parent. I still get irritated by my ex and lament about wasting time. I still have trouble sleeping because I can’t shut my brain off. I am still too concerned about what other people think. And I’m still listening to the same music.!! 🤣

Right now? 

  • Listening to ‘Beercan’ by BECK. 
  • Messaging with darling daughter about how she can get her second vaccine shot because she missed her appointment last Saturday. 
  • Drinking strawberry ginseng fizz in water for more caffeine. 
  • Tried to donate blood today and failed cuz my iron was too low. 
  • Thinking about refusing to do any social media shit for GLR. Just flat out saying “I don’t care, someone else can do it.” 
  • Rescheduled 2 meetups this week cuz I didn’t wanna, including my dad today. Selfish, but I don’t care. 
  • Bought discount cut flowers at the grocery like a hypocritical BOSS.
  • Procrastinating calling a tow truck. 
  • Procrastinating cleaning toilets. 
  • Procrastinating <insert everything here>.
  • Put periods at the end of all my bullet points cuz that’s the way I am. Not sorry. 

I already had a website/blog when I created that Tumblr 10 years ago. The purpose was so that I could let loose all the random thoughts I had that were not exactly “blog” worthy. Or rather, all the shit I was thinking that I really didn’t want on my primary and publicly promoted site. Anything a little angry, or seedy, or jealous, or needy. 

It’s actually some funny stuff. Reading it I forget how much I enjoy my own sense of humor. And again, a good reminder not to take anything too seriously. 

The last post there was late 2016, when I hit rock bottom. Or like right before I hit rock bottom. Like a hot 10 seconds before I drank myself down a drain and hit my head on the concrete at the bottom of the sewer. 

Not sure how long I was out, but the day I woke up wet and covered in shit was the same day I decided to start this blog.

I haven’t needed that alternate blog because I have this! And I have you!! My oh my. What a day of epiphanies!!! Seriously!!!! 🤣

Why taking caffeine and saying “I don’t care” out loud makes me feel better, I don’t know. But I love it.  

Yours truly,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-13 The Meaning of Life and Other Trivial Musings and Observations

Now I’ve gone and done it. It took a very long time and lots of analysis and countless experiments but I’ve finally definitively answered the ultimate question.. which, of course, is.. “what is the meaning of life.”

The answer is now crystal clear and It was quite simple actually. As soon as this post goes viral, folks around the world will begin their pilgrimage to Omaha Nebraska for a chance to get a selfie with the person who figured it out.

All I really had to do was change the definition of the word “meaning” to “color” and the definition of the word “life” to “pure quartz.” Waaaa-laaaa … crystal clear. 🤣

Actually the most important way to conduct oneself throughout the course of their life to get the most out of it is to not take it too seriously. The Earth is currently home to *almost* 7.7 billion people and we’re all together alone on this hunk of rock rotating through space. Alone in the way that there’s not another planet like ours anywhere even remotely close enough to travel to even if we could survive the trip.

What you do with your life isn’t going to matter beans to anyone but you and your very immediate sphere of influence. The only ticket off this rock is death and there are no guarantees for what happens then. Nope. No way to know no matter what potential “afterlife” humans have conjured with their primitive human brains. Religion is just a made up word/construct to try and satisfy the need to answer unanswerable questions (and also build empires and destroy others in the name of “God”). Religion is no different than science fiction.

Why do people believe in Life on other planets when there’s no evidence? Why do people believe in God when there’s no evidence? Don’t get me wrong, I applaud the effort to find evidence. It’s impressive but (for now) quite futile.

As beings with slightly higher functioning brains and a need for connection and a desire to communicate, we invented language. We invented making sounds with our mouths and called them words. We attached meanings to collections of sounds and began putting them together in longer sequences and called it sentences. We condensed more complex and abstract feelings into other words. We began naming everything. We invented language in the same way we invented utensils to eat with or baskets to carry things more efficiently. Language is just a tool.

And because humans were scattered across the globe without a way to connect to people outside their sphere of influence, the languages developed very differently and ultimate created what is commonly called (in English) a “language barrier”.

Humans with their little grayish-pink brains react poorly to anyone or anything that’s different or can’t be understood. We reject outsiders. We draw a line and call it a “border” and tell others they can or can’t cross it. This is a very shortsighted and primitive way of thinking.

By now all the “territories” have been named and claimed and there’s no-where else to go on earth to just live your life in peace. You have to choose where to live and how to live (If you are fortunate enough to have been born in a territory whose rules allow choice). Every territory has rules and a very small subset of humans who dictate those rules. Don’t let the construct of democracy fool you, we (the people who live in the United States) don’t have any say-so in the rules either. Democracy is just the word they use to lull us away from the realization that it’s just another dictatorship.

Yes we vote, but it’s largely for people and not actual laws. The lawmakers we vote for are supposed to have the best interest of the people at heart. But they don’t. They are also flawed human beings who are self-centered and concerned with money, power, their own livelihood, and sadly, all too often just getting re-elected. 

The rules are all established anyhow so how it’s going to be has already been decided. Changing the rules at this point is a process that’s broken beyond repair. It’s complicated.

Complicated is a word we often use in English to express something that would otherwise take a whole heck of a lot of words to communicate effectively. So we just get lazy and say it’s “complicated.” 

I do it too. I just did. Because I’m lazy. I don’t want to explain how the American government is broken beyond repair.

Because it’s Saturday and I don’t want to spend any more time typing words on a tiny screen than I have to. It’s Saturday and it’s damn fucking cold outside and I just want to sink into my warm couch with a hot cup of cream and sugar (AKA coffee) and read or chat with my people or write some poetry. 

That’s exactly how I discovered the true meaning of life. See.. crystal clear! 😉 You’re welcome.

And now that I’ve satisfied my own selfish need to get ten thousand steps today, I’m going to quit and make that coffee.

With peace and love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-21 Doing the Thursday Smile and Wave 👋🏻

Yesterday was such a strange day I want to let go of and forget it ever happened. By contrast today has been pretty freaking great so far. I just don’t get life sometimes. Is it life or is it me? I really do wonder if other people’s lives are like that. One day is shit and the next is sunshine.

I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night so that helps I suppose. Darth didn’t make an appearance, nor did I wake up with strange dreams or sweating through my clothes. I slept all the way to the 6am alarm and when it went off, I was like “holy crap!”

I stretched and checked my stats and other notifications that came in while I was sleeping. Then I thought, “it’s gonna be a great day.” And so the tone was set. 

So far everything else is the same. The morning routine, breakfast, commute to school, and now this. Still, the good mood persists. I guess I should not question, just enjoy it while it lasts. 

My set list today includes things I put off doing yesterday plus all the stuff on my Thursday list. Somehow it all feels manageable today and I’m not overwhelmed. 

What else? Today is my little-middle sisters birthday. She’s 39 I think. I wonder what kind of mood she’s in or what she thinks about being 39. Wonder if she is freaked out by being 39. For me 39 was no biggie. Life was crazy and I hardly cared how old I was.

My whole life I will not be able to separate my sister’s birthday from my ex Matt. They are the same age too and I REALLY wonder what he thinks about being 39. Never married, no kids. I wonder if he regrets “us” in some way, either that it was a mistake to let me go or perhaps that he wasted those 5 years of his life on me. Time is a funny thing and as it passes, it sometimes changes how we feel about a person or situation.

When I met Josh for coffee last week we talked briefly about Matt and I said I kind of wondered what he thought about my life now. Being married, a doctor’s wife, taking care of family and no longer clocking in at a paying gig.

Josh treats other people’s lives, questions, and problems very matter-of-fact like. He basically said Matt probably just thinks that “Shyla got everything Shyla wanted” and that’s it. It’s true. I knew what I wanted and I got it.

The life partner, living together, pursuing my passion for writing, the secure future for my children and I, and having the opportunity to do what I want with the rest of my life. How did THAT happen?

I suppose my mind still wanders to Matt at times but it’s no longer pangs of “what if.” Now it’s more just hoping he is well and finding peace with life, doing things he likes to do. I don’t really wonder about his relationships anymore really which is healthy. I think getting “everything” I wanted helps with all of that.

But now that I have “everything” I have to think about what else I want. Since I never imagined getting here, I never really dreamt beyond it. 🤷‍♀️

Wonder what my sister wants too. She’s been engaged since before I even met Jim. That’s coming up on three years. I wonder if they are going to be engaged forever and never actually get married. Or if they are both good with the “parent life” ship sailing away. They bought a house together last year finally. That seems like a big commitment to stay together. I’d ask her but she’s never very forthcoming when talking about these things.

What else? I’m not terribly inspired today to write. I’ve got some new content in my in-box and will make a go of reading some. Perhaps it will inspire me in some way to write. We’ll see.

On that note. There’s not much else for now. 

Waving from the Wave, 👋🏻🏄‍♀️🌊

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-10 Musing from Inside the Promethean Gap

Is it wrong to approach the world, tentative and wanting? Believing in good intentions and people? That we’re all just stuck here temporary and harmless, abandoned on a mysterious spiral arm of stars?

Is it wrong to believe in the power of human connection, however small. The innocence of it. The delicate nature of trust. When we die, as we all do, are the acts we perform, both knowingly and unknowingly, judged?

What if the big things don’t matter? What if that which lies beyond—the ultimate unknown which teeters just at the edge of the Event Horizon—takes us in as our physical being expires and instead of a lens built to look at the acts we’ve performed in our lifetime, we are measured by what we didn’t do?

Have we been given the gift of life and wasted it?

After all, like the rest of the Universe we’re just matter—molecules and atoms—stuck together in a myriad of configurations. The great mystery of whether our becoming was a random fluke or was engineered entirely on purpose remains unknown.

I posit that if our existence here was on purpose, then the answer to the aforementioned questions are also being kept from us by design.

Are you with me? Or have I lost you?

Three unrelated circumstances.. I’ll call them circumstances, for the lack of a better word, are swirling in my brain. Well, at least three. Their chemicals mix and lead me to question my own actions and how to proceed.

  1. I met a man about a year and a half ago who might not yet qualify as a man, because of age and maturity. There was a connection and I enjoyed talking with this person, to the point I would consider him a friend. Setting unease about my own motivations aside, I’ve come to discover this person might be lost on the path of life. Perhaps in some trouble. Do I try to help?
  2. For the lit mag I’m managing, I’ve recently set submissions for writers that are BIPOC to free, waiving our typical fee (only $3 to begin with). Such a tiny thing, this decision, but now we’re getting subs and find one from a man who doesn’t qualify, electing to use the free option instead of the paid option. I could decline with a request to please use the other option or I could just let it go. It could be an innocent mistake. There are people more sheltered than I. Perhaps he doesn’t know what BIPOC stands for. What do I do?
  3. (The newest and strangest by a wide margin.) Mr. SCC emailing me out of the blue asking for assistance defining the term Promethean Gap. Yes, I bit on it and chewed it. After some research and reading I fashioned what I felt was a sufficient reply. I attempted to be thoughtful, thorough, and above board in my response. A kind and cordial reply. And thought that would be that. But now there’s a new message in my in-box. A reply to my reply. It’s composed mostly as a “thank you” but includes some other commentary and an open-ended question. It concludes with a request for me to call. Call?! What to do? What response is appropriate?

Ok. So besides that, about #3 specifically. The original question was fascinating. I’d never heard the term Promethean Gap Before. I think that’s what pulled me into research, besides the strange coincidence that led to SCC contact me.

The Promethean Gap, also sometimes translated as Promethean Discrepancy (a German by the name Gunther Anders invented the term post WW), is a philosophical concept / theory that approaches the problem of man (humankind) having the capability to imagine and invent beyond what we are individually or collectively able to be as flawed corporal beings. In short, the gap between man and machine. Mr. Anders was also concerned about the consequences of this Gap and how it might affect the both the individual and society.

We can make machines that have longevity, power, and more recently intellect which far exceeds our own. Further, the gap is a space where we, the human race, have difficulty fully realizing the consequences of those creations.

The most common example is the invention of the Atomic Bomb. I would make a personal leap and say that the invention of computers, the internet, and AI, while making our lives seemingly easier, also holds a very destructive power with implications to society and the individual that we have not even begun to understand. 

As stated, the theory originally proposed is concerned with how individual beings come to terms with their humanity and individual power, versus machine power or a collective power. If we build a machine greater than ourselves, do we not become obsolete? Can we be held accountable? Does each of us have a responsibility to hold tight to greater ideals for the greater good? “Greater good” .. whatever that means.

Is it merely a coincidence that SCC found me? Or is the Universe throwing tea leaves on my path? If it’s the latter, how am I to interpret them?

One of the articles I read in my research was about a pilot who was involved, as a matter of duty, with the bombing of Hiroshima. Overcome with guilt it pretty much wrecked his life.

When I read this I can’t help but think of seemingly unrelated content, the Snowden docudrama, the Social Dilemma docudrama. How we invented the Genie and then let it out of the bottle. It can’t be undone.. the invention of computers and the internet. We can’t possibly comprehend the long term consequences.

But I watch my children, the next generation, and can’t help but feel a little bit sick about their use of electronics. And not just my children, but all people who don’t know life without a personal computer in their pocket. The unhealthy nature of social media. A rise in depression, anxiety, and suicide. It’s alarming.

The mind-bending power of the internet, driven by profit where they use your own data and likes to serve up content to keep you engaged and focused on a tiny screen instead of real human beings. The sheer amount of data being collected and stored (Often without permission) is daunting.

Rewind to a few months ago when I was watching the docudrama about Ted Kazinsky. Was he wrong? Or was he just a mad Genius who was right on. Led to destruction by being trapped in the Promethean Gap?

Snowden too, refusing to follow orders like the man tasked with the Hiroshima bombing. He’s now living life in Russia but with a clear conscience.

Is there any amount of bottom line profit that can clear the conscience of Babbage, Cerf, Kahn, Gates, Jobs or Zuckerberg? Mere mortals unknowingly making the Gap larger without foresight. No way they could even know the consequences of their inventions. We’re all human after all.


Wow. That went long. Sometimes I’m not sure where my mind will wander but I definitely have more thinking to do. As far as acting on current current circumstances.. I don’t think I have my answers yet. Getting there though. Getting closer. We’ll see.

With Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-02 What to do When the World is Bananas Part 2 🍌🍌

I’m walking on the treadmill again.. because it is one thing in my life I can control. So much is out of control right now. I remind myself daily that I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances. I have to try and focus on positive things and enjoy the small victories.

Today fell flat after a hopeful beginning. Somehow the hours all slipped by and I feel as though I have nothing to show for the time. Some things are intangible, though, like the fact that I took my daughter out to lunch and helped her sort out a frustrating situation with one of her classes. And I responded to an email from my sons English teacher who was notifying me of his growing list of missing assignments and his lack of participation in class lately. And made sure he knew I was communicating with her and that there would be consequences if he didn’t get on it this week.

I also did some chores but still feel like all that doesn’t amount to enough, given the number of hours I had to get things done.
Why am I so hard on myself? Good gravy!

I took a shower and that should be counted as an accomplishment. Right??!!

I’m can feel sadness about not being in Austin this week creeping in. But there’s no way I could have made that drive with Z and this head cold and anxiety about the Covid.

What else can I control right now? To make me feel better? What I’m eating and drinking. Stay on track with my plan to adopt healthy habits. My hair. Yeah.. I can control my hair which looks great today (thanks to the shower). Caring for my people.. I can do that, mostly. I can’t be held responsible for their mood or happiness but I can make sure they have what they need.

That’s why I made a special trip to Wal-Mart today to get the Lactaid which was completely out at the market this morning. I also got some real Sudafed for this stupid congestion. If I can get this cold under control I’ll feel better.

A good night sleep would also be fucking fantastic. I’ve slept less than 6 hours a night for the past 4 nights. And it’s been ages since I had a full 7 hours. Still.. I’m not wanting to take anything OTC or prescription to help me. I’m just not.

In other news, I’ve spent the last 3 days editing a personal essay I wanted to submit to a publication and the deadline was today. It’s so close to being ready and has taken a lot of effort as essays are not something I’ve worked on for submission before. While all these gazillions of blog posts are also personal essays, they are not “literary” and serve a different purpose.

This essay I’m working on is something I wrote shortly after my 3rd official residency in my MFA program. The focus of the essay is the concept of patriotism and I’m revisiting it because it seems like a good fit for the publication I found via submittable. it’s so close to what I would consider done.

This morning I realized the window for that platform was closed. So I guess I’ll keep that little nugget filed away in my virtual desk drawer for another day. Maybe missing the opportunity to submit that is what set my day on the wrong path. After that I basically said “effff it.”

I’ll get back on that horse tomorrow.

I’ll get on more of all the things and stuff I didn’t do today… tomorrow.

So Bananas. 🍌🍌🍌
~Miss SugarCookie