2021-11-22 Today the Completely Organic Miss SugarCookie asks the Relentless and Unforgiving Question: What Am I Doing With My Life?

I had one job today and I failed. And no matter what I do now, no matter what happens for the rest of this day or the next or the rest of the time I live in this house.. every time I see the result of that mistake I’ll be reminded. It’s such a trivial thing in the grand scheme but c’mon people. I feel like I can’t do anything without making mistakes lately. 

I just got back from Austin. 4 days of well balanced rest and relaxation where I should have been able to get my mind right. But I feel like I failed at that too. Sure, I let go and had a nice time and got into some good conversations but for some reason now that I’m back I missed my opportunity to really get something out of it. I just swept all my angst under a proverbial rug and today it’s like I lifted the rug to toss it in the washer and was disgusted to discover all that mess is still there. 

I think I will continue to look for a therapist. I think I should continue to put effort into figuring out what is wrong with me that I can’t just be happy with what I’ve been given. 

Maybe it’s because I don’t take hand-outs and feel as if I don’t deserve the gifts I’ve been given. Why do I think if I haven’t earned it or paid some price, I don’t deserve this goodness. Worse yet, why do I think I’m on a train that’s not bound for solution town? That I’m just stuck here with no way to actually fix what is wrong with me. 

It’s mental. It’s physical. It’s emotional. It’s exhausting. 

Today of all days I should feel exhilarated. I should be over the moon that the book I worked so hard on and have waited so long for is finally.. FINALLY.. available for pre-order. But no. 

(Dropping the link here for anyone interested in this so-called book: Unsuspecting Cinderella. Don’t wait, order your scintillating copy today!!)

Instead I’m grumpy at myself and life. I don’t even want to open the 7 (yes, seven) emails I received from the publisher with all the info I need to promote my book. I mean, I’m just guessing that’s what they are all about. Maybe I’m just terrified. Which makes no sense, but sometimes humans don’t make sense. 

Last week before I left for Austin I hit the goal to end all goals with regards to my submissions. 100!! 🎉🎉🎉

And with that I told myself that was it. I headed to my home away from home and let it go. I was letting it go and truly going to try and ignore all the of that for the duration and of the week, month, and maybe even the year. 

Seven rejections later and I’m so tempted to pick it back up again. It’s like an exercise in futility. 

Last month I became obsessed with compiling not one but two more chapbooks and a full manuscript with my mountain of poems. I worked fervently for a couple of weeks and felt, wait for it.. HAPPY doing what I was doing. It made me excited and hopeful and looking forward to the next day when I would wake up and get back to work. 

When I was finished and satisfied with my work, I did some research and wrote cover letters and submitted them to a few publishers. That was also neat and made me feel like I had accomplished something, however not quite at that same level. 

So far I’ve had one publisher reject both my chapbooks and that’s kind of shitty because it happened so fast. It made me feel like they didn’t even have time to read, contemplate, and compare. They just took my money and said “thanks but no thanks.” So dumb. 

Anyway so maybe it’s the rejection that’s got me down or the fact that I haven’t been able to write anything new for a while now. All I have is the same pile of poems from my MFA that i continue to work over in different ways. 

Maybe I need to jump into some workshops or a class or something. Maybe I need to do something that gives me more of a sense of a purpose than grocery shopping, dishes, and exercise all day. What am I doing with my life??!!

Am I getting somewhere or going nowhere? I need to figure this out but right now I’m outta time. I gotta go cook dinner. Cuz, real life.

Like they say in the biz “put a pin in it”  and we’ll come back to it later. Maybe. 

Never ever my own but forever and always completely yours, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-11-06 It has been a while… but why?

It has been a while since I held to my daily writing routine and I could say it was because I haven’t needed it but the truth is that I’m just using my time in other ways. 

What’s new? Plenty. What is blog worthy? Not sure. 

I’ve got a new elliptical machine and it’s smooth like butter and I love it. I haven’t loved it today yet because I woke up with the worst cramps (I usually don’t get bad cramps, so when I do, it’s always “the worst”). I’m currently treating myself to some couch time, but it’s hard to sit with my laptop and write because I’m so used to working on other things when I have my laptop out. 

I haven’t written any new poetry in ages and have been nurturing my creative side by organizing and compiling a few different manuscript collections that I could submit to publishers. It’s satisfying a need I have to be creative, but in truth the larger part of that exercise is logic and figuring out what works together and tells a bigger story. Why do I feel like a manuscript must tell a story or that all the poems need to be bound together by some overarching theme? Probably because that’s how things are nowadays. Especially for a random girl from the Midwest with nothing much more to offer. 

The other part of wanting to feel productive with something (anything) ACC has resulted in my submitting individual poems to publishers like crazy. I suppose it is not a bad thing that it has gotten out of hand a little bit and I now have 87 open submissions in Submittable. I’ve stopped setting a goal. My goal was 30 then 40 then 50 and …. You get the point. 

I did promise myself near the end of summer that I would start submitting to some more reputable places. Some fives and sixes and sevens instead of twos and fours. I even created an algorithm to score a place to see how they rate. It had weighted criteria and the heaviest variable was the longevity of the publisher. The other criteria was their method and regularity of publishing and if they pay or not, plus a few other stats in Duo Trope about their acceptance rate. The harder it is to get in, the higher their score was in that category. 

I paid money to use Duo Trope for a year but I think it is on it’s way out as a user tool. It’s only as good as the data that people put in it and if folks are not reporting their submissions there, then the stats will not reflect what is accurately going on. It’s a lot of work to keep track of submissions even without the extra work to report it all to another agency. Therefore it is understandable why it’s probably not going to last too much longer with the current business model. I probably wont pay for it again. 

Anyway, I let my own algorithm go too as it was too much extra work and I feel like I can just as easily eyeball a few things and decide if it’s a place that would be a good fit for my poems. For some of that, it’s turned into a matter of reading other people’s bios and seeing what places they have placed their work. In this way, I’m sort of gauging from the caliber of the writer more than the journal or publisher. This goes back to my original theory that poems that are 4 out of 10 come from poets that are 4 out of 10 which typically get published by places that are 4 out of 10. 

All of this is just a lot of left brain nonsense and I’m fooling myself into thinking I’m satisfying my creative side by spending so much time on it. Like I said, I haven’t written a poem in a long time and now to make matters worse, I haven’t even blogged in a long time either. Part of me wonders if I am going back in statis and just don’t need it like I did before. 

Yesterday I reworked my thesis manuscript as I still feel the strong desire to get some validation by having that book published. I mean, I am having a book published, but it is not the full manuscript and I dove deep to figure out how to change it in a way to both keep the essence of what it was originally and add some newer poems. I also wanted to re-do it so that I have all the current versions and update the acknowledgements page. Again, all this satisfies my left brain and after I finally got it to a place I was happy with yesterday, I felt good about it. 

What all of it does NOT do is alleviate the angst I’m currently experiencing about how much rejection I’ve gotten lately. It stands to reason that the more you submit, the more you get rejected, but with each hit it’s like a little stab at my confidence. Both my confidence in myself and my confidence in my poems. I just don’t think I have what it takes to keep doing this. And then I question myself, “what part of THIS am I talking about?” 

The submitting, the writing, the revising, the lit mag, the blog, the pursuit of that elusive dream of publishing my thesis manuscript. I’m sure I will finish out what I started with regard to these books. I say books because in the last two weeks I’ve not only reworked the full manuscript (about 77 pages) but also two other chapbook size books (30 pages each). Once I have them where I want them, I could engage an editor– someone who reviews and critiques work like this for money, and see what they think. But again, I ask myself if that’s all just a waste of time and money because my writing is not good enough. 

I originally went after my MFA for two specific reasons. The first was to satisfy a desire to learn more about something I had interest in. I’ve always written poetry, but I wanted to learn how to make it better. The second was to change my life. To do something different and get a sense of fulfillment by accomplishing something other than doing a job and collecting a paycheck. I didn’t do it for the credentials and I sure as hell did not do it because I wanted to publish a book. Those things never entered my mind until I was actually IN the program. 

In fact, there’s such a heavy emphasis on publishing during residency, I think that is part of the reason I developed such a strong desire to have that kind of validation. I won’t say I never thought about it. I entertained the idea of having a few poems published and how neat that would be, but a book??!! 

Now here I am three years later, unable to write a poem, yet working on taking the 100 (or so) I’ve written since 2018 and getting them out into the world. Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t just let it all go. 

My husband questions whether I should let GLR go too, as it takes up so much time and there is not a lot of fulfillment from it. 

And now, after having written about 1200 words here so far today, I am getting down to the heart of the matter. Which is me questioning whether or not I should let this blog go too. 

I’ve barely blogged in the last month. I went on vacation for a week and saw some great things, and had several really good cheeseburgers. None of that made it into the blog when normally it would. In years past, I would absolutely make writing about my vacation a priority. Not this time. 

I’ve also had mood swings, a gym remodel at the house, and my daughter got her brand new bike stolen off campus. Those incidents and adventures didn’t make it into the blog either. I’ve had developments happen with regard to my health and my chronic fatigue and my insomnia but just have not felt like writing about any of it. I’m in need of lamenting about my parents too, but writing about it seems either like too much of a broken record or just not worth the effort.

I’ve started and stopped several days in the last few weeks and just have not felt motivated. I start and get a few sentences in and then stop, feeling like it is a waste of time. I find myself more enthusiastic about watching a stupid TV show over writing. I wake up on Wednesday mornings happy because there will be a new episode of The Bachelorette on Hulu. Legit. Why would THAT bring me joy when this… THIS… doesn’t seem to??! 

THIS blog has, for nearly five years, been my go-to place to sort out what I am thinking and feeling. A few times in the past month instead of writing it, I’ve opted to read it instead. While it is cool, to look back on a day, a week, a month, a year in the life and how far I’ve come, it doesn’t necessarily inspire me to keep doing it. 

I dunno. Perhaps I’m just feeling down and lost and not needed or wanted lately and that has contributed to my lack of motivation. I think there are a few more unexplored corners relating to the overarching theme of this particular post, and I’m finding myself passing to think about other things. This is me saying, in a roundabout way, that I could keep going and going but I’m not sure where it is going next and am frankly out of time and (not surprising) lacking motivation to continue. 

Not sure what this weekend will bring or next week or this month. I guess as always, time will tell. 

Adios,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-11-04 Signs of Change

Lately it is so strange that each day feels nothing like the day before. One would think that at my age, shit would start being more predictable. Predictable like.. boring and comfortable. But ohhhhh those mood swings and ahhhhh that unpredictability. One night I get a great night’s sleep and the next night sucks ass. One day I feel hot and bothered and my bod is revved and ready and the next day I’m bundled in sweatshirts and thick socks saying “don’t you dare touch me.”

I think it might be perimenopause. I can’t think of a worse confession at this Universally unpleasant hour of the night. 

I can’t possibly be going through THAT because I’m only 34 and have a long road of ovulation cycles ahead of me. In my head my mom is only 40 or maybe 42 and just gave birth to my little sister who happens to have turned 31 this past year. See how the math just doesn’t add up?!

A few months back my husband and I had some new friends over to the house and I might have been talking about not being able to stay asleep in the middle of the night. It’s been a chronic problem for a while. I talked about the bad habit of getting up and out of bed and working on my laptop when sleep was elusive. I also mentioned Jim’s heavy breathing. 

The therapist in the group inched forward and gave me some suggestions and also alluded to the fact that hormones play an important role and that I might be experiencing some of what comes during this transition. She might have used the word perimenopause. I cringe at both those words actually.

I wholeheartedly agree that hormones are like the body’s balance beam. When things are off, it makes it terribly difficult to not fall. I’ve believed that for as long as I can remember or at least as long as my daughter is old. Having her was the result of my figuring that balancing act out. When I was finally successful at conceiving, it wasn’t with the help of hormones supplements. It was a matter of getting my blood sugar in check. Who knew a medicine for diabetics could cure infertility. Infertility isn’t the right word. I was just my body being off-kilter. 

I told my new friend thank you for the advice and said I would try her suggestions. I admit that I have pretty much failed at that so far. Like right now, sitting in a recliner with my laptop open instead of a book at 1:45am. That’s my lesser confession tonight.

About 4 months ago I had a “once in a blue moon” meetup of dinner and drinks with a few of my high school girlfriends. It was a lovely evening except for the conversation that kept creeping in about getting old and experiencing signs of “the change.” The change??!! What are we 60? I don’t know anything about the change and I’m good at rolling with most changes but at that moment I pledged to resist the idea for as long as I’m able. After all, I’m only 34 and that shit is miles away from where I’m standing. 

I really know nothing about menopause or what age it typically happens because frankly I don’t spend time researching things I’m not ready to deal with. So far, I’m OK rolling with the idea that in this case, ignorance is bliss.

Anyway, one of the ladies at dinner said that her man used to get upset because their temperatures were so opposite and they couldn’t share the same room or bed without one of them being uncomfortable. He was always hot and she was always freezing. She elaborated on how he said nowadays sleeping with her is like sleeping next to an oven. For them, the change has been good.

I’ve historically been in the “freezing” category too and have been notorious for controlling the temperature of any room to the point where other people feel uncomfortable. It has been an issue with past relationships for me too so I totally get where she was coming from. 

In fact, when I worked at the hospital I had a thermostat and wall unit in my office and people joked that I kept it 90 degrees just so nobody would visit me. That’s half true actually, but that is the way I liked it. People would come in and sit down to chat about something or nothing and before long they began to squirm and then just get up and leave. It was good because then I could turn my attention back to getting work done. 

Lately I’ve been noticing that my temp is going up. I’m opting for less clothing and turning the thermostats down in the house. If I hadn’t already had that premenopausal seed planted, I would have dismissed it as nothing. It’s not nothing. But realizing it, admitting it, and accepting it are three entirely different stages of grief. Grief over what exactly though? Would it be so bad not having a monthly cycle anymore?

Anyhow, the day before yesterday was really great and there didn’t seem to be anything magical about it but then yesterday something shifted and I was back in a funk. Nothing happened to cause that shift as far as I can tell, so it has to be all in my body and my mind. Maybe if I am able to go back to sleep now, and wake up, it will have shifted back. A girl can dream right? 

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-27 Today is the Intersection Where the Past Meets the Future 🔥

The end of the month is quickly approaching and what have I to show for my time? Plenty. 

  • Book materials to my publisher for my first book. ✅
  • Bike for my daughter for campus. ✅
  • Mom’s big surgery and getting on the road to recovery. ✅
  • Three new editors secured for the GLR. ✅✅✅
  • Proposals for winter Res drafted and nearing completion. ✅
  • October vacation plans solidified and my own personal getaway plans for November taking shape. ✅

It’s true that I’m never satisfied and will always feel like I could have or should have done more. But I’m doing alright. 

I’ve got big plans to finish September strong and set myself up for success in October. 

I really don’t have a lot else that I’m thinking about this morning. It’s Monday. A new week, another chance to begin again, and a fresh to-do list. 

  • Help my son get caught up on homework so he doesn’t fail his senior year.
  • Order bday gifts for Jim.
  • Finish planning that November getaway. 
  • Keep my mom’s spirits up so she can get out of the hospital and go home. 
  • Keep chipping away at that mountain of GLR work (most of the detail items on my list fall under this umbrella). 
  • Ramp up the campaign for promoting my book. 

Ok. That’s lofty. No way I’m gonna get all that done this week. But a girl can dream right. 😂

That’s enough list making for now. I’m gonna get started on all that soon. First.. a little trash TV. Master Chef anyone? 

Flame On,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-24 Over it.. Already

It’s day 5 of going to the hospital and I’m already over it. I hate that it feels obligatory and routine. I hate that it seems to cut my day in half. I don’t use the word hate a lot but in this case it fits. What’s a girl to do? 

To balance things out and soothe my worried mind, I’m leaning on other people more than usual. I‘ve been transparent with people about my limited time and the circumstance, to level set expectations.

I posted about checking in the hospital on Facebook which is way out of character for me. I just want folks in those outer circles to know. Then, as we spiral in close to home I’ve basically reached out via text and whatnot that the surgery was happening this week. The responses I’ve gotten have been kind and encouraging and it really has made a difference so far in my mood. 

Then yesterday I indulged in two meetups with friends. I met my friend JS for a quick lunch between times visiting the ICU. I then went directly to a rooftop bar in Benson to meet MK at dinner time. We were there for several hours and it was so good. She’s an incredible person and we always have loads to chat about. 

When I returned home in the evening i found my hubby freshly home himself from a meetup with his best bro. I got to hear all about that and there was no need for me to go in detail about my mom. I just didn’t want to think or talk about it. 

Nothing to say anyway. She’s had another surgery and so now it’s just down to recovery. That’s it. 

Like I said, it was good to lean on folks and not let myself feel the pressures of all the things left undone. All those check boxes will still be there tomorrow. And they are. And here it is tomorrow and I’m beginning again. 

I’ve completed a few of my Friday house chores and am indulging in a little treadmill time. I’m all caught up on Bachelor in Paradise and not sure how I’ll get motivated to do cardio. It’s gotten to where I need something interesting to watch to distract me from how much I hate jogging. 

There’s that word again. Hate. Very curious. 

In other news I am trying to maximize the times I have at the hospital when my mom just wants to be left alone to doze off. I’ve taken my laptop and have been spending time on Submittable. The hospital room is not the right vibe for writing or revising but I can submit poems all day long from just about anywhere. Outside the required research and reading, it’s pretty much a robotic exercise at this point.

I breached my September goal of 50 active subs yesterday and the new plan is to hold steady right there. I’ve done this in the past. Get a rejection and then find a new place to sub. This time the twist is that I’m committing to only submitting to higher quality publications. It was actually one of my goals for June or July but it didn’t happen. 

This month I created an algorithm to score a publication to see how they rank based on my own criteria. The real value in that exercise was figuring out what is important to me and I don’t really need to plug in the numbers to get the score to get a sense for how they rate. The most heavily weighted criteria are the longevity of a publication, their acceptance rate, their money model, and the format and frequency in which they publish. 

Of course the recognizability of name is key, but in reality the longer running organizations are going to be the ones whose names you read in other people’s bios and covet. Those are the names I can mention off the top of my head and have rarely submitted to thus far. 

Regardless, there is very little difference to me when receiving a rejection. It doesn’t seem to matter what publisher is rejecting my writing. A rejection is just a door opening to submit somewhere else. That’s a healthy and positive attitude I think. 

Enough about that. I gotta get a move on my day. No rest for the wicked. 

Three Cheers for Friday, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-14 The One About (Not) Dealing With Inequitable Partnerships

I’m really very tired of writing about the same things over and over and really wish I could get out of the funk that is, for all intents and purposes, self-inflicted. 

I’m also not sure what direction this particular piece of writing will go given the Rolodex of thoughts infesting my tired mind. 

In exactly two minutes I’m supposed to have a meeting with my “partner” at the GLR yet I made the choice to step down the stairs to my treadmill anyhow, totally expecting him to dip for the hundredth time. That’s just one thing on my mind. 

It feels like an 85/15 split with the actual work that gets done between us with me taking on the lion’s share. I do it because I care. I do it because I have higher standards than he does. I do it because I have no other choice (unless I want to cause huge drama by ousting him from his position). Make no mistake though, I don’t do it because I have more time or energy or feel my priorities are any less important than what he has going on. 

Who am I trying to convince? Myself as always. Yes, he has a young family and a full time job and I’m just a housewife and stay at home mom. I struggle because I used to have a career and know what it’s like to juggle everything on top of .. we’ll.. everything else. Good grief. But it seriously takes just as much time or more for me to do here, at this house, than what I eas spending at my day job.

My issue is working with someone who does a fraction of the work and does not follow through and still basks in taking credit. 

I spent hours on a proposal for the coordinator of our MFA program—toiled over the language for two potential internships and possible lectures we could give. I did all the work and then sent the email off, with attachments I’m sure my “partner” did not even read. Then one hot second after he (the coordinator) responds, my partner replies. 

I sometimes wait for days and weeks for feedback from him and often give up. But here we have something visible and public and he’s all over responding right away. That’s just rotten. 

I’ve complained to my closest peeps about this and they all say I need to have a talk with him. But I’m a chicken shit and I hate confrontation. 

I hate the way his Twitter handle has his title for the lit mag like he earned it. I hate Twitter too but that’s just beside the point. It’s all about appearances and I have to get over it. And get over social media too. 

I daydream about a world without social media and I daydream about a world where I never entered into this stupid partnership. I would not trade the experience and what I’ve learned for anything, I just wish it was an endeavor I initiated on my own and was the sole leader of. 

This gives me so much heartburn and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s a tricky pickle. 

It’s been exactly 20 minutes since I started writing and now… Now he’s finally ready for our 1pm call. I already told him, no zoom today so I have to get myself somewhere in the house where my phone has service (which is not in the basement). BRB

***

(One 30 minute call and a round trip to Papillion to pick my son up from school later)…

It’s all going to be fine. With each interaction with said person I’m learning how to be a more patient and understanding human. I’m also well aware that if I want specific things done, I need to ask pointedly and attach deadlines. It’s a much more diplomatic and reasonable approach than the solo takeover (or murder) that was playing out in my head earlier.

I tell myself that having another person at the helm with me means I’ve got someone to take the blame if something goes horribly wrong. Let’s hope it never comes to that.

I also have to remember he’s not being paid for any of his efforts either and I really have no insight into the rest of his life which could be just as messy as I feel like mine is.

In any case, thanks for reading and for understanding that I’m just a lonely human being lost in a sea of broken humanity. Most days I’m just trying hard not to drown. Most days this blog is a good way for me to work through how I’m feeling. Some days though, nothing really helps. That’s life. 

With peace and love and a dollop of understanding,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-08-18 Mood Math

It’s been another week. Another 7 days since I’ve put two sentences together on a page, virtual or otherwise. Maybe this is the new me, the new Miss SugarCookie who posts once a week instead of once a day. If I was doing that, I’d want to make sure each week is one heck of a good post. Should it be Wednesdays? Is that the right day? Or perhaps Thursdays because the week is over half over and there’s usually a good vibe cruising into the weekend. 

I wish I could say I have a good vibe right now. I’d settle for an OK vibe. 

Instead I feel downright rotten again and the regularity of this funk is starting to get to me. 

Last week I blamed PMS and for sure when my period finally (FINALLY) showed up, I did feel a little better. But here we are on Wednesday again and I’m twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the sun to set so I can crawl into bed without taking too much grief about my mood or my lack of energy (or desire or motivation or whatever). 

I really have no excuse for being in a bad mood today. Nothing substantial anyhow. I mean, I tried to donate blood and failed. Low hemoglobin. That’s no big deal. I took some grief for not buying any bottled water at the grocery this week. Excuse me for not wanting to fill the land with plastic. I’m tired as hell and am easily annoyed by people. That’s kind of a big deal. 

I haven’t written anything in forever and have received one rejection after another via email. That could be something. My daughter left for college this week (or rather, I took her) and so I am missing not having her here to talk to after work. Also probably a bigger deal than I realize. I constantly feel unimportant and like I don’t matter to anyone. Yeah, now we are getting somewhere. 

So my kids don’t really need me. I have no job. My husband doesn’t really need me and is extremely busy. I’m his 3rd or 4th priority and I feel like our relationship only gets attention when he has time off of work. That’s to be expected with his job and business and kids who all come before me. 

Did I mention that I was tired? I’m literally typing on my laptop on my lap and can feel my eyes getting heavy. I might just stretch out this overstuffed arm chair and try to sleep. We’ll see if that makes me feel better…

*** 

Nope. And neither did the ice cream I just had. 

Oh.. and did I mention my birthday is next week? Maybe that’s the real reason I’ve been so down lately. Birthdays don’t usually get me down but then again I get older every year and so every birthday is just a reminder that my time is running out.

But it shouldn’t get me down because I probably have another 50 years to live. Not even on the downhill slide yet. 50 more years to make the most out of life. 

If I get an average of 10,000 steps a day that’s 182.5 million steps. That’s a lot of freaking steps.

If I get an average of seven hours of sleep every night that’s 127,750 hours of sleep. And 310,250 hours awake. That’s a lot of hours. What the heck am I supposed to do with all that time?! What do I want to do? What would make me feel better about how I’m spending that time? 

I just don’t know. 

You know sometimes I think I have life all figured out but I really don’t. I haven’t got a clue. I suppose it will always feel that way sometimes. 

I suppose the moods really come and go and I shouldn’t worry too much that I’m too depressed or stressed or anxious or, the universe forbid, happy and thinking any minute something bad is going to happen. Is that what it is now? Things are too good and I’m concerned it’s too good to be true and the next disaster is just around the bend??!! 

Good gravy, my brain is twisted. 

*** 

On second thought… that ice cream did make me feel a little bit better so I think I’ll have some more. 

If I eat one bowl of ice cream every day for the next 50 years, that’s about 18,250 bowls of ice cream. But you know what I always say… Today is a good day to start. 🤷‍♀️

That’s it for now, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-07-23 California Adventure Day 1: Not the Blog Post I Was Hoping For

The day yesterday started with a bit of a headache,at 5AM. OK, It was more than a “bit,” it was pretty bad and within a few minutes of being awake, I knew it was a migraine. Of all days and times to have this?? The timing is terrible. I realized that with the long travel day yesterday and being off my normal routine I had not had the requisite amount of caffeine. Plus, air travel and navigating a new situation is always stressful. 

Right now it’s about 24 hours since I woke up yesterday and sometimes it’s hard to recount the events of the previous day when something has happened that has overshadowed everything else. 

I’d like to write about our drive up to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo California where Z met her good friend (of about 4 years) Alex in person for the first time. I’d be tickled to report the girls had a great time riding rides, taking pictures, and chatting about stuff IRL. I’d even like to write about my own experience as a mom, supporting this little detour in our trip and meeting Alex’s mom who I spent several hours talking with while we waited for the girls to ride rides. But all of that feels as if it pales in comparison to how our day at the park ended, which was with Z’s phone getting destroyed on a ride. 

It’s a sad statement to say that a person’s phone has become so much a part of their daily operations that when something like this happens, it’s a huge deal. She’s a teenager and her phone is her lifeline to the world. I wish it wasn’t so. I know that when I was 19, people didn’t have cell phones yet, but in this day and age, even for me, losing a phone would be an issue. 

Yes, data could be in the cloud, but her apple cloud has been “full” for quite some time and she stopped paying the 99 cents a month to have it. Even if she had all her data backed up there, it would not help the fact the most important thing to her were the pictures and videos she took yesterday, meeting Alex for the first time. She’s heartbroken to have lost these moments and what’s more, is that the shadow this casts on the day is tough to overcome. 

The phone is a total loss. The word “destroyed” best describes it’s physical condition and the bottom, where you plug in the cable, is smashed in well beyond repair. So there is zero hope to recover any lost data. 

The good news is that it is just a phone and we have insurance through our cell carrier and she can get a replacement phone by filing a claim and paying a deductible. However, this is definitely not something we can or want to deal with on vacation. Oh yeah, we are on vacation. She wants to take pictures and video and stay connected to people. At the end of the day, this bump in our road is more of an emotional one than anything else. 

As a parent, I need to be both supportive of her thoughts and feelings but also help her realize how small this issue is in the grand scheme. I want to help her see past it, so we can try to enjoy our time here together, which is so very short. I think this situation gives me the opportunity to provide a good life lesson. I need to take it and do what I can with it. 

It’s funny how in my post yesterday I was lamenting the fact that I’m in San Francisco, a city I don’t care for much, and kind of groaning internally about doing all the touristy things. And today, I need to embrace those experiences to help prove my point to my daughter. I have to make this day fun and memorable. I want to laugh through the dense fog and find the bright side. I have to, for both our sakes. 

*** 

So there it is. All about the stupid phone and nothing about our drive on the Golden Gate Bridge or dinner at a little hole-in-the-wall mexican joint or our third (yes I said third) trip to Target last night. One might scoff, but retail therapy is a real thing and looking at sweatshirts and little backpacks and being silly in the store really did lighten our moods. 

After that, I was beat-tired and very done with the day. I could barely stay awake for 5 minutes after going to bed (for the second night in a row). 

My fingers are crossed for a good (better) day today.

With peace and love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-30 When they Ask What Superpower You Want, Don’t Be Too Hasty

I daydream sometimes about what it would be like if I could control time. That’s not exactly right. It’s not a daydream of control. It’s not a daydream at all actually. It’s a longing for time to slow down enough for me to enjoy things at my own pace. My own pace is apparently slow.. like a desert cactus growing a new arm. 

Returning from vacation I found myself feverishly rushing to write all about it, remember all the details, sort through pictures to pick my favorites and document it all. And for what? So I can never look at any of it ever again? To forget it as the reality of daily life comes back into focus and the “next thing” screams for my attention. 

It’s predictable. I have two more blog posts I wanted to write about vacation but that’s so five days ago. A world of experiences has occurred since then and now trying to return to those final moments of vacation feels like a pipe dream. 

Then there’s the conundrum of chronology to contend with. I have this unhealthy desire for trying to create order in the chaos. It’s unacceptable for me to write this, and stick it in the middle of a lovely flow of wonderful posts about vacation, and then somehow unnaturally return to finish out that series.

Years from now I won’t look back at these days at all and it will not matter, yet I can’t seem to figure out how to just do it. Except to maybe just do it and try to forget it. It’s like a puzzle with no solution but to burn the puzzle beyond recognition. 

I have so much to say. 

And I don’t have enough time to explore it all. Not in the way I would prefer anyway. 

Tell me again when I will arrive at the place where I can enjoy the life that’s been handed to me? This semi-charmed life? 

I’ve been working on a PowerPoint presentation for a workshop I’ve agreed to facilitate, which is happening tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about it, as these things go, my social and presentation anxiety get the better of me. But I seem to be getting better at just not thinking about it too much and focusing on other details. 

I admitted to the woman who teaches the body pump and body flow classes at the fitness center I’m now going to that I was terrified of presenting. It’s true. It’s definitely not in my wheelhouse but as these things go, I agreed to do it because it’s an opportunity to promote my lit mag and make some human connections. So, selfishly I agreed to lead a workshop. 

The teacher of these exercise classes said that if you are scared, it’s a good thing because it means you are pushing yourself and it’s an opportinity to learn and grow. That’s such a positive way to look at the situation and I appreciate that. She’s a good person. 

As I write this, I still have one big toe that is grounded in that vacation space and won’t let go. The rest of me has moved on. The rest of me is looking forward. The rest of me doesn’t seem to even have enough time to brain dump about every damn big thing that happened this week. 

My moms first chemo treatment. Our household finally being fully vaccinated. The drug interaction that caused me to feel as if I was at death’s door (not related to the vaccine).The visit I had with my dad yesterday. The Johnny Carson scholarship that my daughter earned that she didn’t even apply for. The old friend (30 years have passed since we were friends) that called me out of the blue. The other old friend that texted me out of the blue, who I haven’t seen since my wedding. So much is happening yet there is not enough time for me to mentally process it all.

I just want time to slow down. When asked what superpower I wanted, I should have paused. Thought about it a little longer before blurting out, “invisibility.” If only I had a time machine to go back and fix that. 😜

I may not be able to control time, but I do have complete authority of the chronology of my words. Which is why this might not get posted until I’m damn satisfied with my vacation series. 

Take THAT Universe! 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-12 The Clandestine Miss SugarCookie Surprisingly Secures Seven Hundred Followers… 💃💃💃

Sometime in the last few weeks, the number of followers for my WordPress blogs tip-toed over the threshold of 700. It only took like 4 years. 😜 (Technically 10.5 years since I started my first WordPress blog in 2010.)

It’s actually pretty good for a random human simply musing day-in-and-day-out about the same 12 topics. Over time I’ve had many thoughts about what I could do to make this blog into a more helpful, marketable, informative, or entertaining place to visit. And each time I get an idea about that, it feels like more work than it’s worth. Plus I can’t seriously commit to rating cheeseburgers, being a travel blogger, or trying to give advice about ANYTHING as a self-proclaimed expert.

To be fair, there are literally thousands of folks out there just like me trying to utilize WordPress to build their name or establish a brand for what they are interested in “selling” or what they are passionate about. So the world doesn’t really need or want any more of that. Or maybe we do, because every human connection is valuable to someone. But it’s not what I’m about here. 

So what am I about? Why do I keep doing this week after week?

Well, the tag line for this blog has not changed since its inception four years ago. It’s my attempt to put focus, each and every day on living a healthy and more fulfilling life. I’ve lost my way in life a few times, and part of that comes from coasting and not really paying attention to time passing. How can a person lose 5 years of their life and not realize that is happening? The answer is pretty freaking easily if said person goes about their business every day working for someone else without thoughts for what they really want to get out of life for themselves. 

My life has changed drastically over the last four years and I can honestly say I feel like I have the secret to living the life I want to live figured out. However, it doesn’t matter how sweet things have become, the daily struggles in life persist.

I may think I have it all figured out but I still have days (sometimes weeks) where I’m in a funk and just can’t seem to snap out of the rotten mood I’ve found myself in. Kind of like yesterday.

I’ve been told to keep my personal melodrama out of my poetry for my own good, but this blog is a different beast and so I have zero issues confessing that I broke into tears like 5 times yesterday. Maybe more. 

My emotional swells were exacerbated by the random watching of the movie 2012 with Jim and Z yesterday afternoon. When I saw that is what they were watching, I was all like “oh this is the one where they all almost die like 50 times. Not an exaggeration.

In fact, if you count all the “near misses” of buildings and bridges crashing down, the ground opening, and last second getaways, it might be in the hundreds. I knew this when I started watching and it still…. STILL got to me. Each emotional moment of the “families” journey made me cry. What the hell.??!!

At least that was sort of heart-wrenching. What’s not heart-wrenching is a rando episode of bachelor in paradise which also made me cry. That’s when I know it’s hormones or some other bullshit causing me grief and not actual sad stuff. My poor daughter looks at me and says “oh mama.” She reaches over from the adjacent couch, touches my arm, and smiles. She gets me.

I say with a weak smile and tears welling up in my eyes, “yeah, it’s that time.” 

“That time” being any given day where I’m emotional for no reason. About 10 days ago I had my period, a whole week early, and now I’m spotting again which is not typical. So I’m definitely going to tag hormones as the cause. And they are probably also responsible for my persistent headache and upset stomach. 

Anyway, so yesterday was one of those strange funk days I struggled getting through, which is exactly why I can’t just declare I’ve got life figured out and drop the mic. 🎤

It’s why I need this blog. It’s my way to write through what’s ailing me and figure stuff out. It’s my therapy and the jumping-off point of all my crazy ideas, dreams, and personal experiments. It’s my version of therapy. And oh, by the way, it’s way cheaper than an actual therapist! 

Today the clandestine Miss SugarCookie has 706 followers and at least 4 actual humans reading on a regular basis. And I’m extremely grateful for each and every one!! 🥰

That’s it for Monday. Time to start climbing through the week. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie