2021-06-07 Reactive 🩸

“Reactive” is the result of the COVID antibody test performed by the Red Cross from my latest blood donation. It’s now standard for them to do the test on every donation.

The explanation for my reactive result is that I have antibodies consistent with a person who has had the COVID vaccine, but did not have those that indicate I was exposed to the virus.

It’s true. I hid from the world at large for over 12 months, emerging from my castle a few times a week to mask up and get supplies. According to my latest antibody test I was successful dodging that Coronavirus bullet. 

I never had a nasal swab or a reason to go get tested during the thick of it all, when the frenzy was a pool of hungry fish, bubbling up for any morsel. Starved of normalcy, deprived of human interaction. Such a strange time. 

Now it appears we are on the other side of it. The population is under control just enough. The masks have been discarded. The shelves at the store full once again with toilet paper, disinfectant, and little bottles of hand sanitizer. It’s cheap now. They can’t give it away.

It’s just going to sit there for eternity like those end caps with masks of every color—blue, black, pink, and grey stitched to suit any outfit or occasion. They will hang there in their little plastic packages until the next time the end-times knocks on the door of humanity.

I can’t recall who I was talking to about 2020 lately, about the riots and forest fires—a fresh hell delivered to our doorsteps every month. For some quite literally but for me just figuratively, via my morning news report. How many times did I have to tell Alexa to stop? How many times did I feel so desperate in my hiding? 

Yet here I am still, living to fight another day. And isn’t that just amazing. Isn’t it just the best gift to step outside and feel the sunshine on my unkissed skin. 

I think I might spend some time today, in the shade, reading a book. Keep it simple. 

The hiding was not so bad—is not so bad as long as the world at large doesn’t interfere too much.

I’m a lucky girl. Or blessed if you believe in that sort of thing.

Peace and love and peanut butter toast, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-25 What’s In the News… 🗞

Happy mask mandate expiry day! It’s been a while since I’ve walked/written/had time to think about the world at large. Life is that way sometimes I guess. 

The last time I checked in I was pouring over my stabilizing good mood and trying to decide what, exactly, it was that made the tide turn in my favor. I’m happy to report that my happy has continued to be consistent and I’m still waking up most days looking forward to the day. 

I’ve continued to not over-commit myself and have not volunteered to do anymore talks or workshops. I’m minimizing meet-ups and really digging in for quality time with those I have had. 

Last Friday I had a 4 hour happy hour session with my friend M and that was fabulous. This week I have two or three meetups mixed in with my deep dive into reading for the GLR contest (which I’m very behind on for nonfiction). It’s my priority this week and I have a LOT to read! 

I’ve finished a first pass at poetry and also scripts and am ready to discuss with other editors. The only category I’m not reading is fiction. It’s just too much. 

Anyhow, that’s what’s on the agenda today after this much needed walk. I’ve tried to get back into the cardio thing but finding it hard to get motivated. I think part of that is that something in me is still recovering from that stomach virus I had last week. Was that just last week? It’s already blurry (my memory). 

In any case, my stomach is still off and my energy is low. But.. the low energy thing has been chronic so I can hardly blame that virus. It may still be a contributing factor though. 

Good gravy!… I haven’t written for days and THIS is still all I have?!?! I guess that’s a good thing as no news is good news. Right?!!

What about the world at large??

Locally, our mask mandate expired today and I’m very curious how businesses around town will react. Since the mask thing became so political, it will be a statement when the business owners either continue to require masks or not. I think most locally owned places will quickly and happily remove the signs from their doors whereas many major chains such as wal-mart or Costco might continue to expect customers to comply with the company policy. 

Not that it will stop ass-hats from refusing to comply. Those folks will do what they want no matter what someone else says. I saw a lady rudely refuse to put on a mask going into a Walmart grocery last week. I wanted to follow her into the store and give her a piece of my mind. Why is it some people think the rules don’t apply to them?! Cwazy! 

Nationally? I heard a statistic that the last few months has been the worst in history for “personal” shootings and gun violence. Has this become so common place that each incident isn’t even enough to make the daily news? Or am I so desensitized that I don’t hear it? And how much do “we” have to endure before new laws can be passed. Then again, my position in this has not changed. 

No law can undo what’s already been done. And I’m not talking about the past shootings, I’m talking about the sale of semi-automatic weapons or lack of background checks attached to gun sales. No.. if you’re a criminal or have mental health problems, homicidal tendencies, or anger issues, you probably already have the guns you want. 

Rights to bear arms means you can have a gun, it shouldn’t mean you can have one that can kill dozens of people with one pass through a crowded room. That’s my stance and that has not changed. 

Today is the anniversary of George Floyd’s death and while the fire of that still burns in the heart of many Americans, America as a whole is now doing what it does best… sweep history into the archives without doing anything to change things for the better. What will happen to the BLM movement? It will smolder until another event sparks the flame anew. And round and round we go, decade after decade. 

The global news feels very much the same (as in, hot topics coming and going as fast as people change their underwear). Not a squeak about Gaza or the Middle East; not an ounce about the Coronavirus, except that America is urging folks not to travel to Japan for the Olympics as Japan is way behind on vaccinations. The summer olympics? Is that still happening? Who the hell would want to go to that anyway on the heels of a global pandemic?! Good gravy!!

OK folks, that is probably enough for today. I’ve got to get on the productivity train. 

Peace, Love, and BBQ Lays,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-16 Another Week in the Rearview

It’s been a strange week. 

A few days ago I had a call with my friend HL who lives in Denver, who I haven’t seen since my wedding in February of 2020.. You know, that last month of what I’m now calling “The Great Before.”

Before COVID spread the world and took over the airwaves (literally) and our lives. It’s safe to say that here in America we’re on the downhill slide back to normal, but things will never be the same as before. I’m confident of that. 

Anyhow, catching up with HL and being fresh off a 24 hour bout with the norovirus, my mind was still circling the fact that I’ve known my husband for 3 years and had never seen him sick.

The man had never taken a day off of work since I’ve known him and I had never seen him laid up on the couch with a thermometer hanging out his mouth. Consequently, I’d never had to take care of him or experience how his mood is when he is sick.

I told HL I didn’t know what I was thinking, marrying a man who I had never seen sick. It coulda been bad. He coulda been a big baby or pain in the ass. Thankfully (and predictably) he wasn’t anything like that.

He basically rested for a day, took work off (which is what people should do when they are sick and contagious) and didn’t really need anything from me. Plus I got a break from cooking breakfast for a few days. I’m ok with that. 

We actually tried to limit our own personal contact in an attempt to spare me the same fate, as noro is highly contagious. It didn’t work and 2 days later it hit me too. It was the toughest 24 hours I’ve had in a long while. Since June 2020 I would say. And even after I was over the worst of it—the big purge, I was still exhausted for several more days.

I was feeling much better as of yesterday, but still took the day easy and didn’t push for extra cardio or to get my daily allotment of steps. Rest and recovery was my aim.

On the phone HL and I conspired to plan several get togethers this year. We both agreed that we were so ready to travel on a regular basis again. He left for a getaway in Mexico yesterday. I must admit I’m jealous. I know I’m pretty fresh off my own first vacation away from home so I can’t whine too much, but MEXICO!! I’m so ready to go somewhere like that again. 

I say it’s been a strange week because despite all the sickness, it’s been rather a good week. My mood has been good, for the most part, and I’m feeling like I’m getting to a good place. Not that I haven’t been at a good place, but letting go of committing myself to public speaking appearances and other similar engagements where I’m required to prepare or say something has definitely helped nudge me further toward enjoying each day. 

There’s just something about the black cloud of public speaking looming in the distance, no matter how far, that affects my mood. 

At the moment there is no event I’m committed to or obligation I’m thinking about and dreading and I find myself waking up each day, looking forward to what’s on the agenda. Yes, even the dishes and grocery shopping and laundry. Fascinating right?! 

I will say all that doesn’t change how I feel about picking up after teenagers or cleaning toilets.  I Don’t think anything will ever change the way I feel about that. But imma call this week for maid service, at least for the bathrooms, and that’s just another step in the right direction. 

That’s blog worthy news right? I mean, doesn’t everyone want to read about the saga that is the cleaning of the toilets? 😜

I suppose that’s as good a place to wrap as any. It’s Sunday again, and it’s going to be a rainy one. I did a lot of work in the garden yesterday so I could take advantage of the rain we are going to get this week. 

The rain today just means my attention will be on all the indoor tasks, the first of which is catching up on reading poetry submissions for the GLR contest. I hope there are some gems in the pile… to make the reading more enjoyable. 

Ok now I’m ready to wrap. 

With Peace and Love and Peaches, 🍑 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-30 When they Ask What Superpower You Want, Don’t Be Too Hasty

I daydream sometimes about what it would be like if I could control time. That’s not exactly right. It’s not a daydream of control. It’s not a daydream at all actually. It’s a longing for time to slow down enough for me to enjoy things at my own pace. My own pace is apparently slow.. like a desert cactus growing a new arm. 

Returning from vacation I found myself feverishly rushing to write all about it, remember all the details, sort through pictures to pick my favorites and document it all. And for what? So I can never look at any of it ever again? To forget it as the reality of daily life comes back into focus and the “next thing” screams for my attention. 

It’s predictable. I have two more blog posts I wanted to write about vacation but that’s so five days ago. A world of experiences has occurred since then and now trying to return to those final moments of vacation feels like a pipe dream. 

Then there’s the conundrum of chronology to contend with. I have this unhealthy desire for trying to create order in the chaos. It’s unacceptable for me to write this, and stick it in the middle of a lovely flow of wonderful posts about vacation, and then somehow unnaturally return to finish out that series.

Years from now I won’t look back at these days at all and it will not matter, yet I can’t seem to figure out how to just do it. Except to maybe just do it and try to forget it. It’s like a puzzle with no solution but to burn the puzzle beyond recognition. 

I have so much to say. 

And I don’t have enough time to explore it all. Not in the way I would prefer anyway. 

Tell me again when I will arrive at the place where I can enjoy the life that’s been handed to me? This semi-charmed life? 

I’ve been working on a PowerPoint presentation for a workshop I’ve agreed to facilitate, which is happening tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about it, as these things go, my social and presentation anxiety get the better of me. But I seem to be getting better at just not thinking about it too much and focusing on other details. 

I admitted to the woman who teaches the body pump and body flow classes at the fitness center I’m now going to that I was terrified of presenting. It’s true. It’s definitely not in my wheelhouse but as these things go, I agreed to do it because it’s an opportunity to promote my lit mag and make some human connections. So, selfishly I agreed to lead a workshop. 

The teacher of these exercise classes said that if you are scared, it’s a good thing because it means you are pushing yourself and it’s an opportinity to learn and grow. That’s such a positive way to look at the situation and I appreciate that. She’s a good person. 

As I write this, I still have one big toe that is grounded in that vacation space and won’t let go. The rest of me has moved on. The rest of me is looking forward. The rest of me doesn’t seem to even have enough time to brain dump about every damn big thing that happened this week. 

My moms first chemo treatment. Our household finally being fully vaccinated. The drug interaction that caused me to feel as if I was at death’s door (not related to the vaccine).The visit I had with my dad yesterday. The Johnny Carson scholarship that my daughter earned that she didn’t even apply for. The old friend (30 years have passed since we were friends) that called me out of the blue. The other old friend that texted me out of the blue, who I haven’t seen since my wedding. So much is happening yet there is not enough time for me to mentally process it all.

I just want time to slow down. When asked what superpower I wanted, I should have paused. Thought about it a little longer before blurting out, “invisibility.” If only I had a time machine to go back and fix that. 😜

I may not be able to control time, but I do have complete authority of the chronology of my words. Which is why this might not get posted until I’m damn satisfied with my vacation series. 

Take THAT Universe! 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-17 On the Eve of the Next Big Adventure

If I had to pick a theme for my life lately it would be “Practicing the Art of Letting Go.” So many things have slid off my radar and the biggest thing I feel like I’ve let go of is worrying about all of it. In that sense, it’s been quite positive. 

It’s definitely not like me. I typically check my steps several time a day and tend to scramble at 8pm if I’m close to my goal and check my sleep first thing when I wake up and check my cardio duration at the end of a workout. But not lately. Lately I’m not checking like I normally would.

I also typically spend a lot of time focusing on my eating and drinking habits and general productivity. It’s just how I move about the world, with the goal of living a healthier life. It’s part of what this blog is about—the daily musings of a girl who is just trying to figure it all out.

But even this blog has been neglected lately. Neglected is such a negative word and that’s the wrong way to frame this post. I’m actually reflecting on the phenomenon of my “letting go” lately and thinking very positively about it. 

It’s one thing to check in on ones self to make sure good choices are being made. It’s another altogether to take it to a level akin to obsession. Now I’m not saying I’m necessarily obsessed with my “stats” but I have been known to run around the house at 9pm to hit my step goal.

I’m not sure what has changed lately to cause me to care a little less about stats and productivity and meeting certain expectations, but whatever it is, it’s been a breath of fresh air. 

Perhaps it’s the arrival of spring or maybe that I’ve been getting better sleep and don’t feel as exhausted all the time. Perhaps it’s the choke hold of Covid being loosened or finally accepting my new role as full time household engineer. Perhaps it’s pondering my moms new diagnosis (stage 3C ovarian cancer) and realizing that life is too short to worry all damn day about what you are doing or not doing or eating or not eating.

Maybe it’s the combination of all of this, but whatever it is, I’ll take it. New Burdens have been placed upon me this year and others have been lifted. Lately I’m just rolling with the punches and not worried about “success” so much. It’s a great feeling. 

I’m being kind to myself, and forgiving. And I’m not putting guilt on myself like I normally would when I have not met my own expectations. It’s glorious. 

And today?? Today my focus is shifting into vacation mode. Today I’m packing and gathering all the plans I’ve compiled for the coming week into an organized document to share with my love as we skip town. 

Tomorrow I’m getting on an airplane for the first time since my honeymoon which was just before Covid lockdowns began in early 2020. Tomorrow I’m taking “letting go” to the next level and that, too, is glorious.

So the next post, if there’s time, will be posted from a yet undisclosed location somewhere in the United States. It could be anywhere folks… and you’ll have to check back to find out where. 😉

On that note, my time is up today and I’ve got to get packing. 

Cheers to letting go, loving yourself, and embracing the next adventure one moment at a time,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-07 Dirt Therapy and Other Vaccination Day Musings…

I haven’t written much for a few days. But there’s not much to write about. 🤷‍♀️

Spring is in the air and I’m slowly getting into the groove of garden work. This is going to be my year for enjoying one of my favorite activities. This year I don’t have to balance a job with parenting and household responsibilities. This year I’m done with school and can prioritize myself and my health.

A big part of that is mental health. And one of the activities that has done wonders for my mood and outlook on life is digging in the dirt. Literally.

There’s something extremely satisfying about digging deep and turning the soil in the garden. Something soothing about putting a root-ball into the ground and pressing the dirt around it with my fingers and palms. 

Sure it’s wonderful to watch the plants flower and grow veg, but nothing beats the labor of love it takes to get to that point. I even enjoy pulling weeds (within reason). It is for this reason that Spring is my favorite season. 

I mean, something about the air in Spring even smells better than the rest of the year. The temps start to climb but are not unbearable yet and it’s either just rained or it’s about to. 

This week we bought a new hammock and have already enjoyed laying out two evenings. Last night was a little chilly but it was still wonderful to snuggle together and chat about everything and nothing. 

Today I have quite a bit of non-outside work to do around the house and that will keep me busy as the rain showers come and go. I’ve also got lit mag stuff to do, which is never ending, but I’m gonna try not to stress about that. 

And ohhhh…. I almost forgot!! Big news this week with our country opening vaccines for 16 and older, so today is the day we have appointments for everyone in our household that has not yet been vaccinated. I suppose subconsciously that’s another reason I’m in a pretty good mood today. 

Hopefully I can just keep riding this wave and nothing happens to bring me down.

No.. Universe.. that’s not an invitation. Be good! 👀 

That’s it. Time for me to get my cardio on. 

Cheers to Spring and Beginning Again, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-05 Prepping for a Celebratory Weekend 🎁🎉🎂🎉❤️

It was a good run.. a 33 day streak of posting to this blog. And the day before yesterday I was gonna lose my step streak and declared “no way in hell I’m losing my blogging streak.” Guess I forgot to knock on some wood and the Universe said “that’s ehat you think.”

What DID I do all day yesterday? I really don’t know. And it really doesn’t matter. Whatever. I guess all I can do is say “today is a good day to start again.” So here I am. 

I booked myself for two exercise classes today and then one of my new aquatintences from class is coming over for tea. I’m also scrambling to prepare for my darling daughters bday which is Sunday. She’ll be 19. 😱 No way!! 

Yes way. 

Tonight is the night we’re going out to dinner and then Sunday on her actual birthday we’ve booked an escape room. It’s kind of a birthday tradition for her to gather her closest friends to do these puzzle rooms. Last year we could not because the COVID was emerging as a real problem (and not just some ailment affecting “other” countries) and Jim said it was not a good idea. 

That would be the first of a long string of events my daughter would sacrifice to the pandemic. It took her senior “lock in,” senior prom, graduation, graduation celebration, the trip and concert we had planned in the summer, and many experiences she should have had as a freshman in college. 

Needless to say.. the pandemic has been a greedy bastard and she deserves some fun and happiness. 50% of our planned escapee party has been vaccinated and the other half are teenagers. I might be trying hard to justify this little excursion and make myself feel better about it but truly my son goes to school every damn day with hundreds of other teenagers wearing masks and has been since last August so as long as we mask up, I think it’s going to be ok. 

Despite all the disappointment this past year, my darling daughter is doing good. She’s working part time and going to school remotely/virtually this semester, living at home. She made the deans list in her first term and has now been officially accepted into her chosen program/major which is a BFA in Emerging Media Arts. I’m extremely proud of her and know that because of her passion and dedication (and stubbornness) she’ll be successful whatever she decides to do with her life. 

If I sound like a proud mama, it’s because I am! And I just want to celebrate her and so I’m going to make this weekend as special as I can. It starts with dinner out tonight. 

As for the rest of my day today.. lots to do. Never an end to the things that need doing. No rest for the wicked. It starts now. 

Hopefully this post will be the first of many in a row, but there’s really no way to predict what kind of wrench the Universe will throw next.

Happy Friday Ya’ll,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-17 Reminiscing With My Daughter About My Daughter

Day 2 waking up with cringe-worthy cramps. But.. I’m not going to let it keep me down today. I can do better.

I have a little time to collect my thoughts and get my act together. Yesterday I may have “let go” and tried not to let my mood control the day. I may not have been a complete success but it wasn’t too bad either. 

I spent a lot of time with my daughter and though we didn’t find what we were after, we had some great talks and she asked me about topics we’ve never discussed before which gave me the opportunity to tell a few stories. Chief among them was the story about my decision to have her and the journey I went on to make that happen. It’s one of my favorite stories to tell. Then of course she wanted to know about her brother which is a good one too.

After that, and running around town in a mask I was done for. We ended up at Target and I just hit a wall. We still needed to go to office max so she could look for packaging supplies, but went home after that. Much of what we were after are items for her new business. I’m impressed by her focus and determination when she has her mind set on something. And I want to encourage that spirit, so I’m being as supportive as I can. 

What started our conversation was just that. She’s 18, almost 19 and heading into semester #2 of her freshman year at college. I think about this sometimes. How when i was her age, I had just met her dad and also working through a 2 year program at community college. I talked about how farther along she is with knowing herself and what she wants from life. At her age I was clueless. 

Getting engaged, married, and moving to Vegas we’re not on any life plan. I had no life plan. I was just cruising, you know, doing the next thing. I have regrets for all that aimless wandering, but I don’t regret getting married. I was in love and it got me away from my family which is what I desperately needed. Of course that led to having two beautiful babies. Would not change that for the world. 

That’s how the stories began yesterday, with the events that led to her dad and I becoming more serious instead of just hanging out as friends. And then to the circumstances that brought her and her brother into my life.

All that reminiscing might have contributed to my exhaustion. I also haven’t been out much lately and was really shocked to see all the people everywhere. It’s as if there’s no pandemic and thousands of people aren’t dying every day. I think deep down I was kind of sickened by it and also that I was among them. After a few hours I was ready to go back into my hiding place. 

And so we did. 

We watched movies and ate leftovers and I was, you guessed it, in bed by 10. 

It’s Sunday today and I’m ready for the weekend to be over and get back to business. Ready to let go of letting go and start kicking ass again. The best part of Sunday is making my to-do list for the coming week. So much hope, and promise, and so much to accomplish. It’s the push and pull of thinking and not doing that causes me grief. 

Once I actually just start “doing” I feel better. That might be why last week I felt so good. I was making progress on several endeavors and that feels good. Tomorrow I’ll be back on that train and I’m ready. 

I think that’s it today. Cutting short again to get started with my day. 

Ready, Steady, Let’s Go, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-09 True Introvert

I’m pretty sure I mentioned yesterday my mood is volatile. You know yesterday was well rounded and satisfying and things were good but the day before that was kinda rotten and I found myself grumpy and exhausted. It’s not like anything big changed and this switch is pretty typical so I ask myself.. what gives? 

I think these swings might have something to do with demands on my time and my ability to get some quality “me” time. Sound selfish? Yes. But I’ve got my reasons. Mostly I think it’s because of the way that I was built. The part of human design that people talk about as personality traits like introvert and extrovert has everything to do with it.

The other day I was on a drive with my daughter and we were talking about her personality traits. She’s in the midst of evaluating profiles for roommates for her sophomore year at college. This, of course, requires self evaluation to fill out your own profile. She put down that she’s an introvert. I agree she is. But she talked about a conversation she had with her dad where he told her she was an extrovert.

I disagreed. She said he described her as being an extrovert around people she was comfortable with. I’m like, well duh. I countered that comfort level and the phenomenon of being talkative around your best peeps does not equate to being an extrovert. I think everyone can be outgoing when they feel a certain security. 

Being an introvert or extrovert isn’t dependent on how you are with other people, that’s just the easiest way to kind of tell, the behavior provides insight but isn’t really the defining factor. 

As I understand it (and I’m by no means an expert, but have been interested in the topic and have done research) the categorization is more based on where the individual derived their energy. Simply put, the extrovert gets energized by interaction with others and the introvert builds up their energy stores by being alone.

Flip the script and it stands to reason that the introvert would be depleted of energy after long sessions of interaction or not having the right quality time alone to recharge. 

In this way, I feel like my daughter is an introvert. And so am I. I also think Jim might be one of those self-professed introverts that’s actually an extrovert. He seems to thrive on interaction and gets more energized having lots of folks around. My son is definitely an introvert and my kids’ dad is definitely an extrovert. I digress.

The dynamic with my kids and I, when we lived alone, just the three of us was very much a situation where we were happy to be together for family time, to chat, play games, and watch shows, but then we’re glad to retreat to our own separate spaces to recharge. It worked.

It’s a bit different here. More people, always more going on, and less opportunity to retreat and recharge. And let me tell you that the pandemic does not help. It means all the other opportunities for those extroverts to get out into the world and get their fix are minimized and they end up needing more interaction at home. 

I also think the Covid just fucks everything up. Everyone is stressed and sort of depressed and just trying to figure out how to feel ok. I miss meeting people in person too, and that has nothing to do with my personality type. I just miss human interaction and conversation with different people. I think we’re all suffering from being just a little bit extra broken. Or a lot bit. 

Anyway so back to the being an introvert. I think some days this may be my problem. I mean, it’s not a problem but definitely plays into the mood I’m in and the puzzle I’ve now resolved to figure out. I think if I had more dedicated “me” time, it would improve my daytime fatigue and perhaps even improve my energy going into the evening of each day, instead of being “done done” and checked out by 9pm.

Of course it’s one thing to come to a conclusion and want to make a change and actually take steps toward improving, 

I said yesterday I think meditation might be part of the answer. I’ve since had advice from my friend Vis on a few apps to try and a Headspace series on Netflix to check out. I’m excited to get started. I’m hopeful. 

I also think that this is no different than anything else in life, that balance is key. And that change can be slow. I need to figure out where the “me” time fits into the routine and then form a good habit. It won’t work if it’s an afterthought that gets skipped everyday because something else is demanding attention.

This is part of the reason I’m backing off in my other goals. I’m not abandoning exercise, but instead will be devoting less time to it. Same with worrying about it (or healthy eating or productivity in general). I swear I spend more time and energy thinking about these things than actually doing anything about them. So why not let it go mentally and focus on the “here and now?” Good thought right??!! 

So that’s it today. Time to quit writing about it and just do it. 

It’s Saturday and I estimate I have about an hour before people start needing stuff. Gotta take advantage of that while I can. 

Cheers to the weekend! 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-26 Soooo Ready

Having recently run out of episodes of my favorite, albeit old news, comedy series on Hulu, The Mindy Project, I had stopped watching anything altogether. 

It was the one show I watched alone. You know, folding laundry or eating lunch by myself on weekdays. All the other shows we watch, we watch as a couple in the evenings. The Crown, Lost in Space, Mandelorian, Umbrella Academy, and we just started Breaking Bad which is a show that I’m apparently the last person on the planet to watch. 

Anyway so I ran out of episodes on my one show. So I’ve been eating at my desk working on other stuff and folding laundry just standing there with the solo sound of gears turning up in my own head. Until this past week. When I rediscovered the Bachelor. 

Normally part of the appeal of this show is just being a part of the buzz while the show is unfolding on live TV. All those rose ceremony addicts and the girls fueled by drama and tears of some complete strangers’ crazy lives. I’m not ashamed to admit I’m one of those. 

I also love seeing alll the pretty dresses and cute outfits and hot bodies. I mean, they don’t pick ugly people to be on the show. The bomb first dates and glimpses into some primo vacation destinations is not bad either. So I started watching another season despite the fact that I’m pretty sure it’s all old news. 

This elaborate explanation reveals a piece of me, Miss SugarCookie, and my character and habits. But it’s also the setup for what I really want to write about today which is kicking 2020 out the proverbial door. So ready to be done with the nonsense that this year brought to the world. And mine. 

It was supposed to be the BEST year of my life. I was to get married to the man of my dreams, whichI still did, followed by the most badasss honeymoon ever, which we also did. It all went to shit shortly after that with the onset of the pandemic. 

No prom for my daughter, no graduation, no big grad party here at the house. She was robbed of lots of experiences she was supposed to have in that last semester of her senior year. Instead she retreated deeper into the shell of her bedroom. And frankly was seriosly affected by the isolation. Physically and mentally. 

Our “graduation gift,” that was a trip to San Fran to go to a Fall Out Boy concert was cancelled. Well, postponed, so they are holding our money hostage. As is the airline as those tickets were turned into virtual cash to be used on a future flight. No summer trip. 

No trips requiring flight anyway. No Austin, no San Francisco or San Diego. No fall trip to the northeast or anyplace tropical. We did drive to Colorado twice though. Once with my darling daughter, as a mother daughter make-up trip to sub for the Cali trip and to cheer her up. The second was just Jim and I when we really needed a couples only weekend. 

What else? Oh, I was supposed to graduate too. A summer residency at the Lied Lodge in Nebraska City with some of my newest favorite peeps. Sitting out on the back deck and sipping a drink and listening to stories. Followed by wearing cute dresses to present my lecture and give my graduation reading. Not to mention actual graduation. 

I elected to defer graduation until Winter, holding onto hope that the Covid would have run its course and we would have “flattened the curve” enough to get back in person. 

You guys remember that? When flattening the curve was all the rage. Where we listened to the news every day to see what havoc was happening in every state and when toilet paper and hand sanitizer suddenly became the hot commodities? Feels so long ago. 

No graduation for me and the changes in everyday routine things started to take a toll too. No Jazzercise. No coffee or lunch meetups. I mean, I still did some of those things (except the Jazzercise), but to a much lesser extent. The isolation kind of got to me too. 

Having my kids do virtual school was rough too. Ramping up to near full time at work also pushed me to an edge. It doesn’t matter how much I like to work.. it was a  painful project. They made quitting fairly easy.

Did I mention the habitual use of benzodiazepines to help with sleep that wrecked me for several months. I realized I had to change that the day I realized that my substance abuse was sort of out of control. Too much drinking, caffeine, and said sleep aids. I tried to cut cold turkey in May or June and totally wrecked myself. 

I subsequently came down slow, on doctors orders, and that took like 5 months. No joke. 

By the end of August I was off the meds but still feeling the withdrawal for about 6 mire weeks. By the end of September I was done done with my day job too. By the end of October I was finally feeling better. But the emotional mood swings and situational depression persisted. 

I wanted to drive to Austin for the election but was so down (and was sick that week) so it didn’t happen. I let go of it ok, but also had to let go of hope that I could graduate in person. Things are going to be virtual next week and it’s not fine but what can I do? 

I’ve known a few people who had Covid but everyone came out ok, albeit rather worse for wear in some cases. My immediate family has not been affected, miraculously, though my son had quarantine at his dads house for two weeks. My kids grandparents on their dads side  both had it but recovered. 

They (my kids) lost a grandparent anyway to Cancer. A speedy decline that was invisible to us until like the last two weeks of her life. They were not close to that grandparent (nor was I)  which is actually a blessing at this time. 

All of this is pretty character revealing too, right, but it’s just another setup. Because what I really want to write about today is all the things I was able to let go of in 2020. Things I would call successful little revelations. 

Like not caring about my hair and letting it grow really long. And also not seeing my esthetician since like January has led to the conclusion that I don’t need to wax my female bits anymore. After doing that for 10 years, there’s not much left. And what is there is completely personally manageable. No more $$$ going out the door for that or nail care. I can do that myself too. 

My skin is great thanks to my man bringing home great products and also not needing a shower every day. Usually winter brings seriously dry skin but so far this year has been great. 

What else? There has to be more but with all the meandering I’ve run out of time. 

Normally I would wait till January to reminisce and recap but I’m just so over 2020. 

Hey 2021!… The bar is really low, let’s GO!!’ 

Peace, 

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. The featured image is a glass ornament my darling daughter made for me. It says “2020 In Case of Emergency Break Glass” and is full of tiny little toilet paper rolls. So clever!