This stream of consciousness is intended to be an unfiltered account of my journey to fight my way to a healthier, happier life. One day at a time, one step at a time, one organically-grown-emotionally-raw blog post at a time…
I pulled the day behind me yesterday as I tried to get all the things done. But it was just a screen built to protect me from the rampant procrastination coursing my Veins. Arteries too. Today, I think, will be more of the same. I need a serious check-it-before-you-wreck-it plan. Emails piling up, bills piling up, honey-please-do items piling up.
But the Universe love it, the dishes are done. The groceries bought and meals are ready to be prepared.
I promised my dad I’d go over again today for another walk. Why did I do that? Cuz it’s the right thing to do I suppose, but it’s gonna eat a chunk of my day.
The good news is that it’s gonna be 60 out today, reportedly. It’s 46 already and only 10AM. Should be above 55 by noon. Sounds amazing.
He said he wanted to go for a bike ride today but my bike is seriously out of commission after the last outing when I got a flat and had to walk it all the way through whatever nature park we were at. Plus the bike rack is already off the hitch for the season.
I need to get the steps anyhow. Yesterday was dismal. Well, not dismal.. just not on par with my norm.
Oh.. hey. Almost forgot I got the strangest email yesterday. Some guy in Cali who Apparently came across one of my poems while researching a topic and wanted to get my take on this topic. Looking for a definitive definition of the Promethean Gap. His email opened with “this is probably the strangest email you’re going to get for a while.” And it was.
Clearly he found my poem because it was posted on a site called Prometheus Dreaming and the name of the poem is called Mining the Gap. Oh the power and flaw of the Googles. He also said someone told him once, when in doubt ask a poet. (Or something like that.) I’m flattered of course, that someone— a complete stranger— would consider me a poet. Right on!
Honestly the first thing I did after reading that email was also google the keywords but didn’t get very far because it was also time to cook dinner when I opened his email.
I have a feeling that it’s a rabbit hole if I bite on that today so not sure it’s a good idea but my interest is definitely piqued.
It could be a sign from the Universe.. you know, you gotta be open to these things. It could be important. My response back to this person will likely be disappointing for them, but whatever. When you ask a poet, you get what you get. 😜
I dunno much else. Hope Ya’ll have a happy hump day.
It’s been a good couple of days. I feel satisfied. I’m adding up my stats today, to report out to my accountability buddy how I did this week and it looks like a pretty “meh.” But still I feel ok. Ok is pretty good, you know, all things considered. 🤷♀️
I have to be kind to myself even when I haven’t made much progress on several fronts— healthy eating and sleep. And I have gone backwards on productivity, procrastinating things I should be doing. 🤷♀️
I thought I was making progress on sleep having three nights in a row with good numbers. Then I had three in a row that were rotten so I’m all like, whatever. 🤷♀️
Yesterday we moved my darling daughter out of the dorm at UNL. She has not been there for like 3 weeks anyhow. All her classes are online and are officially over this week. One semester done. I’m really hoping for her sake that next year will be more normal. I already know next semester will be all online too and she’s not going to live on campus. It’s better this way, to just live here at home and keep making progress as this Pandemic plays out.
The one stat that seems to get better as the others waiver is my exercise. Lots of steps. 16553 average per day last week and that’s counting yesterday when I only had like 6K. And I enjoy walking but really seriously running out of things to write about. Somehow I cant just walk. I’ve gotta feel like I’m making more of the time somehow, because just walking and thinking makes me crazy after a while. I get so irritated being alone with my brain. If I’m writing, my thoughts slow down enough for me to type them.
I’ve never had that thought before. That I like writing and walking at the same time cuz it forces my brain to slow down. 🤔
Anyway, I’m laying in bed this morning and contemplating getting up and starting my day and getting down to the treadmill, but dreading this. Yes, THIS, what I’m doing right now. Going around like the same broken record about stats and life and the stupid pandemic for the gazillionth time.
Then I think about the fact that new poetry books and lit mags are now showing up at my door quite regularly. And with all this new content, there are endless things to read. It occurs to me that I could read instead of write. So that’s it. That’s the flip that’s happening this week.
When I thought about this “flip” I wrote the title “flip to be square,” because it seemed so familiar. Where have I heard that? So I googled it. One slight tweak and you have “hip to be square” that is a song by Hewey Lewis and the News. Yeah, I’m old enough to remember that song.
I clicked on the video and watched for like 60 seconds, which is all I could take. So terrible. There is very little I find redeemable about the 80’s. This song (and video) are no exception.
Today I’m going to dive into the latest book I received in the mail. A book published by “High Shelf Press.” They rejected my poetry but I got a copy of one of their issues out of the deal. That’s how some of these presses operate.
Part of you submission fee includes a subscription or book selection. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount on submissions this year and it’s nice to get something out of the deal. Hopefully it’s good stuff.
In any case, I’m really hoping this “flip” leads to more interesting posts. Or better yet, inspiration to write which has sadly been in short supply lately. We shall see.
Another productive day yesterday but no poetry. WordPress tells me I’m on a 19 day streak. That was not on my list of goals for the month, but it is evidence that when given time I gravitate to more walking which leads to more blogging. My Average step count has gone up in the last month too.
My previous goal was 12K which I rarely achieved this year after the pandemic hit and my Previous job sucked So much time out of my day. My new goal is 15K and I’m now killing it!
I’m still struggling with eating healthy. I mean, I’m having these protein shakes each day to start things off right and that’s pretty good, but it’s kind of unsatisfying because I look forward to eating food. It’s hard for me to separate seeing food as energy and also seeing it as an enjoyable act. If I could just drink these smoothies and forget about it, I could probably hit my macronutrient goal, 30% protein without problems.
But as soon as I’m done drinking the smoothie, I’m immediately thinking about what I would like to eat. Something crunchy or salty or savory. Perhaps a fried egg with salsa or a handful of nuts would do the trick, without blowing the carbs up, but the point is that the shake is supposed to be enough fuel.
It’s the same after dinner. I’ll have a sensible meal but then feel like I need to eat something sweet for dessert. I feel like I’ve figured this one out though. The sweet treat I’ve devised for myself is a cup of yogurt mixed with more of the protein powder. If I have that at the right time in the evening it keeps me satisfied right up through bed time. It helps if I go to bed between 9 and 10.
I did that a few nights ago and had a glorious and highly elusive 8 hours of sleep. Last night I was not able to get to bed that early and so it was back to the same old-same old. However, I did miss my target goal by a sliver and so that still feels like a win. In the official book, I won’t count it as a win, because I’m a stickler like that, but I’ll know that it’s a step in the right direction. The ultimate goal is sleep enough to leave me well rested with energy to spare. Of course, I’m hoping the protein is part of that puzzle. I believe it’s all connected.
Today I’m getting ready to pull the trigger on submitting a larger manuscript, chapbook size, to a publisher. I took a slice of my thesis manuscript, with a common theme and formed it into what I hope is a publishable book. Time will tell.
I wish I had more to write about, but I feel pretty uninspired today. I suppose this will be sufficient to keep my streak going but thinking I need to change things up tomorrow, use the time I have to read instead of droning on about my health goals. It’s such a broken record, but that’s life you know.
Making progress is sometimes tough. But what IS progress anyway and who decides what success looks like? Like most things it’s not one size fits all. Each person has to decide for themselves what success means to them. Regardless, there has to be some measure and to measure something there has to be a value associated. Some way to set one instance next to another and say “that’s an improvement”, closer to a goal or farther away.
After talking with my friend Tre yesterday, I’m thinking more about not just my goals but the measurements I use to determine if I’m doing good (or slacking). I used to do accounting of my “stats” on a weekly basis. Comparing my sleep, steps, healthy eating (via weight—as flawed as that is) to what I had recorded in previous weeks, months, and yes, even years.
Then my life changed and I stopped doing that. I’d still look daily at the things recorded in my Fitbit app but wasn’t really paying that much attention or comparing one week to the next with some goal in mind.
Perhaps I felt it was futile or maybe that I had achieved what I wanted and was in a maintenance mode where goals were no longer necessary. Either way.. it seems as though I’m no longer hitting those original targets and in need of a reboot.
For sure there’s no better time to start again than today. Because .. why wait?!
The first step is to look at my measures and redefine what realistic goals are. I struggle figuring out which things are the most important for helping me feel better (and I’ve felt like crap long enough now that it’s become the new normal).
I always think getting better sleep will have the biggest impact in how I feel each day. Not sure why that is. And my goal in Fitbit, has been 7.5 hours a night. How often do I hit that? Almost never. Vacations, weekends sometimes. I think I dismissed this stat / goal when I got my Alta HR which provided the ability for the device to collect heart rate and calculate my sleep score. The sleep score became the new measure, but what’s the goal?
When I talked to Tre I told her that anything below 70 is no good, 70-80 is fair, And anything above 80 is good. I didn’t say anything about above 90 cuz that feels like an unachievable target. One I’ve only had a few times and never without some sleep aid.
So if I’m going to start paying attention again and be accountable for reporting out my “stats” do I revert to duration? Reevaluate the goal? Or do I use the sleep score. Say anything above 75 is a star for the day. That feels reasonable.
I also have to recognize that I’m never gonna hit my goal without actually making a change. I need to get to bed at good time. 10pm?? I need to try to do that. Which does not really mesh with Jim’s schedule. But I gotta try.
The other things under consideration are exercise, healthy eating, and general productivity/wellness.
I think I have ways to determine how I’m doing with exercise but how about productivity and general wellness? What’s the measure and the goal?
I told Tre that I feel very motivated in the mornings but the more the day drags on, the more I start to waiver. Make excuses why I can’t get stuff done and then just flat out give up. So what if I set myself like 2 or 3 tasks each day and if I do them, I get a star that day? This might require some planning.
Tre talked about meal planning on Sundays and then all you have to do is grocery shop for that and roughly follow the plan. Maybe I can do the same with my tasks? Write them out on Sunday and then just make sure that week, 2 get done each day. That could work.
Not sure about meal planning but I might start tracking my macronutrients again. After a conversation with Jim’s sister this weekend, I think I might not be getting enough protein in my diet. But you know I have no idea how much I should be getting. Time to do some research!
So that’s it. 4 measures, 4 goals and evaluating/reporting it out weekly. I can do this.
The accountability to another person will help I think. I’ve never had that before. Sort of an accountability partner. Someone to check in with who also has goals and cares. We all need more people in our lives that care like that. I’m excited to get started actually.
Today’s “tasks” aren’t well defined but I’m gonna try to get my GLR subs distributed AND hopefully make some progress on getting our Org established as a real entity in the eyes of the state so we can finally have that non-profit status. I’ve been procrastinating that and ain’t nobody gonna do it but me.
Of course there’s also my house chores and ain’t nobody got time for hearing more about that.
I think that’s enough for today. I still need more steps but I’m gonna do a bit of reading to pass the time.
Cheers to Rebooting my Health And Wellness! ~Miss SugarCookie
I’m waking up on my second day here in Winter Park Colorado— before the sun and with a fairly healthy headache. It might be a hangover, you know, because at this altitude it only takes a few cocktails to affect a person. Despite reminding each other numerous times last night, we still did not alter our intake of perfect margaritas. But wait, there’s a lot more to the story of our day than just that. Rewind.
After a lovely breakfast yesterday I took my sweet time showering and getting ready for a day out exploring while Jim did research on good hiking trails nearby. That was our first objective of the day, to get the body moving and get lost a little bit in the wilderness. He picked a great little spot that was at a turn-off on mile marker 241 on highway 40, about 10 miles back the way we came in.
It was perfect for several reasons. First, there was a larger turn-off on mile marker 240, just one mile before the one we wanted which had a ton of cars. The perfect carrot for all the wanna-be hikers in the area. So I think most people stopped there. But we went the extra mile to the other turn-off that only had two other cars. The description of the hike in the book that Jim found on the ottoman in the living room of our air-b-n-b (Hiking Grand County Colorado), describes the hike as moderate. The name of it is “Current Creek Loop.”
There’s a description in the book too, on which way to go and where on the trail, but good luck with that. We followed the creek up the hill, on the right side as instructed but with no markings, and no discernible trail, completely lost it near the first junction where we were to “take a right at the ’t’.” We were not sure we were at a T but went right anyhow. It sort of felt like just traipsing off into the wilderness with no clue where to go. But that was OK. We were not really there to follow directions, we just wanted to get the heart pumping and enjoy the sights and sounds.
Lemme tell you, after less than 24 hours, the lung of the Nebraska traveler is no where near ready for the lack of oxygen that hiking causes. That was OK too, though, as we were in no hurry to get anywhere. I mean, the hike promised an aqueduct and a pond at various points, but we had all day and nowhere else to be. That’s the best part of being out here. Freedom.
So we kept going right up the side of the mountain— due north, past a boulder field and through the trees (where the supposed pond would be), but all we found was more slope, boulders, and trees. Each time we went further up, it looked as though we were on the right track but then we would get to the top to find more of the same. We climbed pretty high and I daresay we turned the moderate hike into a more difficult one, but we’re pretty inexperienced so we don’t even know the difference. At a few points it was pretty steep, but for the most part, not really that treacherous.
Finally we declared a final time, “get to the top of this ridge and then that’s it. If there’s no pond, it will be time to turn back.” Surprise, surprise, there was no pond, but the view was pretty badass. And somehow it felt as though we were in the right spot because the top of that ridge line had a trail that looked as though it had been blazed by human beings. We had traveled almost due north to get to that spot so I was sure all we had to do was go due south to get back. But Jim had other ideas. He wanted to walk the ridgline for a bit.
We did that for a while, until I started getting antsy about having gone too far in the “wrong” direction. At that point we began gradually to descent on a path of least resistance. The way we descended was completely different and there were large clearings with only grasses. That looked like a nice flat area to walk across, but the ground was mush. My guess is that perhaps that was the pond at one point and it had grown over with grass since that book was printed. In any case, there was no crossing that so we went around it.
Down and down, meeting up again with the stream and following that back to the trailhead. I’m not sure how long we were out there, but we never saw another person the entire time, which was glorious. The same two other cars were there at the turnout when we arrived back. I took a ton of snaps and coaxed Jim into taking a few couples selfies along the way. It was a good hike.
It was also good to get back in the car and head back toward Winter Park. By then, I had worked up quite an appetite. Neither of us were in the mood to cook so we hunted for takeout instead. I wanted a cheeseburger and Jim wanted tacos. There’s lots of options here which is nice. The place we got take out from was in Fraser and it was called “Azteca” (you can guess who got their way on that one). Doesn’t matter, food cooked by someone else is always delicious.
It was actually the perfect compliment to the margaritas we were planning to have. That has kind of been our thing lately. The margs. We’ve perfected our recipe and brought all the necessary supplies with us— glasses, marg salt, limes, a jigger, simply lime, and of course, the tequila (Patron Silver).
So we nommed on our Mexican food and sipped our drinks and chatted about what else might be in store for our day. With the goal being R and R, we had no plans to leave anywhere else that afternoon/evening. And the less we were exposed to other people and potential virus, the better. Our options were hot tub or Netflix. I brought a deck of cards hoping to entice Jim into playing something with me. I miss playing cards, but I don’t know too many two person games.
We ended up watching one show, which was terrible. And so sipped some more. Then we tried warming the hot tub up, but were unsuccessful, so we sipped some more. I showed Jim a game of solitaire I played when I was a kid and he said it looked like I was making the rules up as I went along. Then we sipped some more until we sauntered up to the bedroom to crash hard.
Which brings me back to the beginning and the lovely hangover I’ve tried very hard to type my way out of this morning. I did pause briefly to take a picture of the sunrise. I imagine with all the fires in the area, the smoke has made for some neat sunrises. Sometimes I think that the main problem with fires isn’t the fires themselves, but the human beings that feel inclined to stop them. Yes, lives are at stake, so they have to try, but forest fires are natures way of cleansing the land. Right? I dunno, perhaps I just heard that somewhere and want to use that to profess that we should just leave it alone and let nature takes its course.
Not sure what today has in store for us. We’re for sure going to fiddle with the hot tub some more to see if we can get that working. Soaking in 99 degree water sounds very relaxing. Maybe we’ll go for another hike. Maybe I’ll try reading one of the many books I brought with me. Maybe we’ll just lay around all day doing nothing but chat. For sure I’ll insist on finding a place that serves cheeseburgers.
It’s nice— the fact that it can be whatever we want. We just need to decide what that is.
Cheers to All That (and a bag of chips), ~Miss SugarCookie
I’m dipping my toe into figuring out what my days look like now that I’m not working. I’m excited to have more time and my first order of business has been to increase my step goal. I changed the goal on my Fitbit from 12K steps a day to 15K. And I’m not limited walking in the AM anymore so it should be a snap.
I’m missing Jazzercise more already, which is a great cardio workout and also motivates me to do strength training. I haven’t been to a class since February because of the pandemic. I asked Jim yesterday about the possibility of going to a class or two. The answer was a resounding “hell no.”
He said that by the time the class is over you’ve basically breathed air from every other person there, no matter how small the class is, and it’s too risky. He’s right, but .. how different is that from my son going to public school five days a week? I know, it’s the masks. If I tried to do a workout with a mask on, I’d probably die. 😷
So no Jazzercise for me.. yet.
I’m also holding my breath about winter residency for my MFA. Which is to say that I’m hoping that they have figured out how to host an in person / part virtual experience. Live in person at the Lied lodge in Nebraska City for those who can make it, and virtual for those who can’t travel.
I mean, schools across the globe have had about 6 months now to figure this out. Get some good WiFi, put some computers and screens in the rooms, coordinate some zooms. It’s possible.
Though technology is not a strong suit of the Lodge. Seems like there’s always some difficulties. Even with something like a microphone setup. And I suppose all the extra hardware costs money and the university probably does not have the funds in the budget despite an MFA costing like 45 grand. 🤷♀️
So I guess we’ll see. It doesn’t really matter though. Yesterday’s inquiry about my lecture topic leads me to believe that I’ll not get another offer to defer like the last semester. I’d decided that even if they did, I’d still suck it up and just finish out virtually. It’s disappointing, for sure. But that’s life. Even without a pandemic, things often don’t meet our expectations. Or perhaps my expectations are always too high. 😉
In any case, one thing on my set list today is to revisit the notes I took with JP about my lecture topic to see if I can get over my fear of commitment and pick something to talk about.
One of the people whose lecture from summer just knocked it out of the park was Erin. She sent a group of us notes about the formula for a successful lecture (summarized from her convo with the program coordinator). I’m planning to revisit this today too.
One thing I recall is to be the expert and present as such.. so the trouble with that is that I don’t feel like an expert and might not ever. But.. despite the fact I’m already overthinking this.. I’ve technically already graduated so I need to use that to my advantage. Which is to say.. not worry about it so much. Still, how can I not?! Good grief! 🙄
I’m going to cut it there today cuz I need a shower and to get on with my day. Yeah, regular showers are another change I’m looking forward to now that I have more time. How sad is that??!!
What must it be like to have your day defined by the hunt for firewood.. or searching for viable acorns? I had a lot of stray thoughts yesterday as my mind tried to walk away from the conversations in play. Someone would say something and I would think about that for a second and then I would follow that thread away and stop paying attention. It’s not that the conversation wasn’t interesting. On the contrary. I was very interested in these other people’s musings and talk that was at the front of their mind.
It’s just that I haven’t opened my mind in a while for new thoughts. The classic broken record on repeat (those who visit frequently to read what I am thinking know all too well). So having a whole day with new thoughts and ideas from other folks was a lot to process in the moment. A thing I’m not great at anyway. I even had to pop my phone out a few times to make a note of something I wanted to research more on or think about later so as to not lose track of it as one topic was quickly stacked onto another.
There was a lot of talk about academia. A subject I’m pretty ignorant about so I don’t have a lot to contribute. Things like what systematic problems exist and why someone might choose to stay in the field versus leaving to find something else. And my mind wanders away.
Talk about career. These are things I’ve beat like a dead horse and my opinions are clear. Working for your life for someone else or some organization. I’m on the side of it not mattering as long as you find yourself doing something you get satisfaction and value out of. Something that makes you feel fulfilled and like you have a good purpose.
There will always, always, ALWAYS be issues and things you don’t like about it. Frustrations, or people, or company politics that suck. That’s life. But does it pay the bills? Can you live the way you want with the moneys provided? Is there enough time at the end of the day to breathe? Time to do something else you enjoy? Time enough to give yourself to other people you love?
If so. That’s better than a lot of folks. Which is another good point. That it’s more important to have a measuring stick built on your own ideals than to fashion one that’s a replica of someone else’s. Or worse.. what the world at large has decided it should look like. Yeah, that standard issue stick is definitely not right for most.
I can’t directly give people advise. I just can’t. But if I could, I would say all of this. My fear is that people would look at my life (now) and say, “easy for you to say.” Which might lead to me getting defensive about the path of my life. And I’d have to start at the beginning and explain everything and nobody has time for that.
As Jack and Robert talked about their hunt for firewood, I could not help but think about the fact that I’m so conservative about everything. Something buried in me from my upbringing compels me to save things. I try to eat every bit of leftovers in the fridge (and am strict about not throwing food away). I save dryer sheets cuz I can’t bring myself to throw away something that has so much purpose left in it after one or two runs in the dryer. I wash out plastic bags because I don’t want to contribute to the piles of plastic that won’t decompose in the world. Is there nothing we can do with these super soft plastics? I need to look into that.
As of late I find myself slipping a bit, changing ever so slightly and letting something go into to trash that I previously would not. And am ashamed of myself. I don’t want to change that part of me.
Robert talked about sleeping out in the cold in his tent and how with one quilt, tucked just right, he got better sleep than he’s had in a great while. It made me want to try it. No space heater, no fire, just a blanket and my own body heat.
The primary goal of the “Shack Simple” day is to be restorative and just get back to a simpler way. Perhaps spend more than a day, cleanse the body of toxins, cleanse the mind of toxins, and just exist. Rediscover what it feels like to just be a creature that is a part of a grand ecosystem without all the fuss that comes with being human.
Of course it’s tough not to talk about current events. Politics, the president, and the coronavirus. Those were the topics I had the toughest time staying with the conversation. I want to cleanse my mind of toxins and not pump more in. Also I’m just tired of it all and have built up a wall to protect myself from it. Yes, of course I’ll vote, but it does me no good to get riled up about it. So I just sat there and tried to listen. I like to just listen (most of the time).
Today is the first Monday I don’t have to work. Yesterday it was decided that what I am is retired. Retired and ready to give my life to Poetry. Yes, Poetry, I’m open and ready to receive.
I don’t yet have words to describe how I feel. But I’ll keep working on that.
Thanks Michelle, Gina, Robert, and Jack for a lovely day yesterday. And cheers to having another soon.
It’s overcast and there’s a soft rain falling on the patio. I can hear low rumbles in the distance letting me know the sky is threatening somewhere, out there. But not here. Here there is a calm that only Sunday morning can bring.
The demons of Saturday Night have all stumbled to their beds and will not be seen or heard from for a while. It’s a welcome quiet. Still, I can’t just lay in my bed and listen to the rain. I still can’t close my eyes and let the overcast lull me back to sleep. How many times have I dreamed a life where that was possible? And of all the wishes I’ve been granted, why is that one so elusive?
That’s rhetorical. Because the answer is inconsequential. Like a lot of things, come to think of it.
Yesterday I had a lovely day. From start to finish. In the morning we loaded up our bikes and drove the short distance to Flannigan Lake for a ride on the paved path that circles it. 30 glorious minutes peddling and feeling the cool breeze against my face. I could have done a second lap but it was not in the cards for us.
We saw loads of geese and some ducks and a blue heron. At one point we got off our bikes and walked down close to the lake to spy on the roads and split open milkweed pods to set the seeds free.
There were not too many other humans, but enough. As I was speeding by I saw a guy pull a big fish that was hooked on the end of his fishing line out of the lake. I saw a family with scooters posing for pictures with the lake in the background. I saw a woman running with her dog that was tethered to her by a leash. That made me wonder who was running who since the dog was in the lead.
I saw a few women with double strollers. I had one of those for my babies once. I rarely used it. I truly regret all the time I wasted when they were that age on things that I thought were important. But spending a life lamenting regret is also a waste, so I’ve got to let that go.
I may look back years from now and regret all these hours on the treadmill when I could have been laying in bed listening to the rain with my love sleeping next to me. But can I ever change?
The rest of the day yesterday brought errands and planning a bit of a getaway for Jim and I and then a photo shoot out in the yard. I see you days ago I told Jim I really need some new pictures because the ones I’ve used in the past are either too old or not right for what I want them for. I mean, hopefully I will never need that professional business headshot I had done at JC Penny Portrait Studio in 2017 for my job hunt.
He got a ton of pictures and was very sweet trying to get a lot of diverse snaps at various places in our backyard. The fall colors are really starting to come in and it’s a perfect time for it. With a little cropping there are a few that could definitely work. I need to look again today with a fresh eye. And without my margarita colored glasses. Ha!
Today it would be good if it’s overcast and rainy all day as I’ve got a full set of stuff I need to get done. We’re finally ready to start creating the posts for the first issue of The Good Life Review” and that will keep me busy for much of the day. I’ve also got to write a letter from the Editor. The first of what I hope is many.
We’re also going to be rearranging the plants in our solarium as we brought inside all the ones we want to save from harsh Nebraska weather. The temps are about to take a dip and October can be so unpredictable. We could have a day like yesterday that feels like summer followed by a day that threatens frost. And the random October snowstorm is not out of the question. And although those hibiscus are beautiful.. they won’t save themselves.
I’d also love to dig up the gladiolus and dahlias and keep them safe over winter. Plant them again in spring. Yeah.. lots to do. That’s why I can’t stay in bed on a quiet Sunday morning. Too much to do. Isn’t that just ridiculous?
Don’t answer. It’s rhetorical. 😜
With Love and Hot Coffee with Too Much Sugar, ~Miss SugarCookie
Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.
I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.
I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.
I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.
That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!
Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.
Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.
I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.
After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?
Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!
Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.
This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?
I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.
Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?
Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.
Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?
Time will tell.
As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.
I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?
Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.
I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.
But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!
As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.
Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!
On that note… my time is up. Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll, ~Miss SugarCookie
Day 1 and I’m feeling good about my decision yesterday to make some changes. No sleep meds last night and it was a rough start to the night, but eventually sleep came to me. I slept until just past 5 and that was quite nice.
I’m also going to ween myself off caffeine. This I’m fairly certain I can’t do “cold turkey” like cutting out the Xanax and Lorazepam. I’m gonna start by not taking any caffeine as a supplement in the AM. I might still sip a coffee. I might need to do that to avoid a withdrawal headache. Or at least that’s what I’m sure I will tell myself when I start jonesing for a cup. Sometimes it takes baby steps though, you know?
The trifecta for this tour is the abstaining from alcohol. Historically that’s been easier than the caffeine. I think with the lack of Meetups and happy hours, it will likely be the case this time too. We’ll see.
So the goal here in the next couple of weeks is to sort of cleanse my body and rid myself of substances that might be contributing to my feeling so unwell all the time. And knowing that everything is connected, I’m hoping it also improves my mental health and mood. I’ve been down too much and I’m getting so tired of that. Literally.
This goal by itself is kinda boring though. Don’t you think? I mean a cleanse all by itself is just so basic bitch. What this story needs is a camel, or a llama, or an Ostrich. So what’s that look like?
One of Jim’s suggestions yesterday was to get some good cardio during the day. I did 2.4 miles on the exercise bike at a rigorous pace. Felt like crap but I gotta not give up too easy. I suppose I’ll give that another go sometime today. Get the heart pumping a little. But does that cardio infusion qualify as an Ostrich? I don’t think so. What I need is something really interesting. Like a poem-a-day or a bonafide road-trip or, at the very least, some daily change up in the normal routine.
I’ll have to think on that and see what materializes. 🤔
That’s it then. Time to cut and run. I sure hope the good motivational vibes I’m feeling this morning last.