2021-02-28 Looking Back to Improve the Future… 🗓 ✅🚫⏰

It’s the last day of the month and the last day of the week AND the last day of my little experiment to untether myself from my phone. You know what that means? It’s time for the ultimate Sunday status. 

First off.. I’ve already been analyzing “stats” for about 50 minutes of today’s walk so either I’m gonna keep walking and get a huge boost on my steps today or this post is going to be super short. 

My update is also going to be a little skewed this week cuz I did try to disconnect from my phone and normal routine to see what affect that would have on my mood and outlook on life. 

This means I did not check my steps or sleep or anything else all week and did not keep track of meditation or eating habits. I just let it all go for a week. I didn’t have a FitBit in 2006 so I treated this past week as if I still didn’t. However, I still wore the FitBit so it could collect the stats anyhow. Why? Just cuz. 😜

Syncing this morning it appears that there are no surprises. Aside from the addition of exercise classes this week, my steps remained about the same and my sleep did not deviate from the norm. 

Those are the only two categories I have definitive results on. As I said the others weren’t tracked and are largely subjective anyhow. 

Moving on to the the results of my little experiment to bring 2006 back…. all things considered I would say it was kind of an epic fail. I suppose I did a fine job leaving my phone alone for the most part and embraced limiting my checking of email like a champ. I’m already a minimalist when it comes to Facebook and twitter and insta so it was easy to not open those apps all week.

In short, all things that are naturally easy were easy. The more challenging areas are responding to text messages and I came to conclude that I wasn’t going to be able to give up this daily blog. It’s the main activity that boosts my screen time each day. And that didn’t change this past week. 

My daily average screen time last week was 2 hours and 27 minutes (down 32% from the previous week). The previous week was about an hour longer. The devil, of course, is in the details. I can look at the apps and categories (productivity, social networking, and creativity) and see where my time is being spent. Very useful.

It looks like the reporting of data collected only goes back 4 weeks so I don’t have long term analytics like I do with FitBit, but it’s enough to analyze my week last week and perhaps set new goals. I’m not inclined to try and limit my productivity (this) but can definitely set a goal around “social networking.” 

I find it interesting that the messaging app is categorized as social networking along with Facebook and Twitter. I dig digging into this data and am already developing a new set of metrics and goals. I just can’t help myself. 🤣

***

Tomorrow is the start of a new month and new week which means an opportunity to start fresh and redefine the goals. Considering my attempts in February (and January too for that matter) fell short, I’m going to try and take a look at things from the new perspectives gained these past few weeks. I’m no longer going to be measuring “success” according to the same scale. Here are the new-new targets:

For sleep, instead of going according to the sleep score or duration, I’m going to be hyper-focused on whe time I go to bed. The goal will be to be in bed by 10pm with about half an hour of wind-down time beforehand. If I’m able to do that, the other stats should validate that it is working. 

I’m removing food and healthy eating from the set list of goals. Instead I’m going to try not to think about it as much. I’m putting the scale away and not imposing any restrictions or trying any fad behaviors. The ultimate objective is to put the focus elsewhere. I spend too much time struggling with the healthy eating puzzle and always seem to fail. Maybe if I let that shit go, I will have more time to work on other mental puzzles. We’ll see.

I’m keeping mood and meditation for now, but added an daily alarm on my phone to stop what I’m doing immediately and meditate. We’ll see how that goes too. 

As for the screen time and dependency on technology.. my new goals are to keep daily screen time down under 2.5 hours a day AND not more than 30 minutes on social stuff (remember that includes messaging). To support this I’m going to continue to keep my phone at a distance, both overnight and during the day. At least that part of what I did last week seems as though it would be easy to adopt more permanently. 

I’m not really changing my expectations for steps but adding 20 minutes of cardio as another check. The classes will help and I’m going to look into what cardio classes my gym offers. The strength training I started this week is great, but I’m really missing Jazzercise or some other form of cardio. If all else fails, I could always just bike here at home. 

I’ve actually switched to the bike now. I’ve perfected walking and typing at the same time and so this is a test of biking and typing. 

I think that’s the end of the changes for this week. Am I ready for a new week? Am I ready for March? Yes and no. 

Ready or not though.. time waits for no one.

Cheers to Healthy Living (and Analytics),

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-24 Some Days Just Need to Be Forgotten

Yesterday was a doozie. I’m not sure what exactly what it was besides a series of random, unrelated events but it was a miracle nobody was murdered. Scratch that. I know exactly what it was that started it.. the incident with the trash cans. After that, there’s not a thing that could happen to fix the mood for the rest of the day. But there were several things that made it worse.

Said incident made me sooooooo angry, I really wanted to punch something. And that’s not like me. I might get emotional and sad and cry sometimes but I rarely get that angry and almost never angry enough to want to scream and throw things.

Talk about raw, honest and organic… what I’m about to write will not seem like that big of a deal, but that’s what makes it a big deal in my mind. There’s absolutely no reason I should have gotten as mad as I was. And not having time to work it out all damn day did not help. Everything else was just fuel for the fire. 

Here’s the short version of what happened that started it all… about 8:30am I’m doing chores and opening mail and realize the paper recycling is full so decide to swap out the grocery bag for a new one and put the full one in the big recycling bin in the garage. What I quickly discovered is that the bin was FULL. It should have been empty since they picked our recycling up last week (which they only do every other week). 

I’m in charge of the recycling and trash so nobody puts things in the big bins but me (strictly forbidden as I can’t stand when people carelessly put stuff in without rinsing clean or whatever and bins get sticky and gross). Instead, the recycling goes in the old short green and blue bins elsewhere. So finding the bin full was a shock.

But it was obvious to me it was because the recycling was not picked up last week. The items I had on top were still the same ones. I took the bin out to the curb myself.. which means that when Jim wheeled it back to the garage he didn’t look inside to see the recycling truck had not been down our street yet. What the hell??!!

The recycling is a mess at our house as it is. We always have too much than what will fit in the container every two weeks and that’s resulted in me breaking down the cardboard and driving it to another drop point. Now we have this full bin, and enough recycling to fill a second one and running out of places to put it. 

Goodness knows the recycling is a trigger point for me already because nobody cares but me. Despite repeated requests for members of this household to comply with some simple rules, it’s still a problem. I’ve got several bags of combined trash and recycling that needs sorting and the thought of going through the efffing sticky trash irritates me to no end.

Now this. This just pushed me over the edge. I went mental. I screamed out loud and stomped my feet like a three year old having a tantrum. It was absurd. 

I mean this is small potato’s people. Like have I become so spoiled that these small things need to be a big deal?? No. 

Well.. stuff kept happening all day and I never could pull myself away from that angry feeling. I literally carried it all the way to bed with me last night. And unfortunately took it out on Jim a little. It was a strange night and then I ended up moving to the spare bedroom In the middle of the night because of the snoring. 

I never really got good sleep and you know what? The sun came up and night turned into day anyway and I’m writing this thinking “what is there to complain about?” 

Nada. That’s what. 

So what if I have to make some more trips to an alternate recycling location. It’s not the end of the world. Good grief!! 

This is what I don’t get about life. Why is it one day something is such a damn big deal and the next it’s like ‘shrug’? 

One day I’m grumpy and the next it’s all good again. And I can’t even blame PMS this time. 

Anyway.. today everything seems fine and manageable again AND I can eat whatever I want. A friend of mine reminded me yesterday that my life is great right now. As if I should need a reminder. I should not, but there it was anyhow. Thanks Vis!

As for the rest of this day, I’m gonna do my best to keep the positive mood I have going into the afternoon and evening. I’ve got loads of lit mag stuff to take care of plus some planning for a future adventure. Planning almost always makes me happy, so that’s good. 

As for living in 2006.. it’s going about the same as the last two days and I can’t say I’ve got more to say about than that. Maybe I’ll have more as the week goes on but I’m still just feeling out what’s good and what’s really tough. 

I think that’s it for today. Time to get on that GLR train…. 

Peace and Love and Recycling, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-18 A Serious Need to Not Take Anything Too Seriously

Having another one of those days. You know.. where I just want to tell the world to efffff off. Not you darlings though. Nope. 

This mood has been a fairly regular thing these weeks, I’m finding. I was soooooo tired this morning and tired of being tired. Caffeine helps but then I feel bad about being addicted to caffeine. Then I tell myself there are much worse things to be addicted to and that I’m being to hard on myself and then I pop another pill. 🤷‍♀️

Often I go round and round about this, and the result is always the same so why do I keep doing this to myself when there are bigger fish to fry? 

All of everything that I am concerned with is small. I have to remind myself that it’s tiny, tiny potato’s. Not enough to make one single helping of mashed taters…. AND that I have to not take anything too seriously. If I can just go about my day, with this in mind, it would be better. 

So much has changed in my life yet it’s bizarre, like super strange, how much never changes. A few days ago I remembered a blog I started on Tumblr in like 2010. A little bit of writing I had missed as I was organizing and backing up all my files for a rainy-fucking day that will never come. 

I logged in and pulled all those posts to my laptop, next stop is the external hard drive. I digress. 

Last night I began to reread these posts for something to do before bed. Super unproductive but whatevs. Mind you all that was written 10 years ago, so finding some of the same “issues” I’m still dealing with is … well….. comical. I mean, how else can I look at it? 

Yeah, I’m still struggling with body image issues and obsessive about my weight. Yeah, I’m still trying to eat healthy and failing. I still hate social media. I still worry I’m a bad parent. I still get irritated by my ex and lament about wasting time. I still have trouble sleeping because I can’t shut my brain off. I am still too concerned about what other people think. And I’m still listening to the same music.!! 🤣

Right now? 

  • Listening to ‘Beercan’ by BECK. 
  • Messaging with darling daughter about how she can get her second vaccine shot because she missed her appointment last Saturday. 
  • Drinking strawberry ginseng fizz in water for more caffeine. 
  • Tried to donate blood today and failed cuz my iron was too low. 
  • Thinking about refusing to do any social media shit for GLR. Just flat out saying “I don’t care, someone else can do it.” 
  • Rescheduled 2 meetups this week cuz I didn’t wanna, including my dad today. Selfish, but I don’t care. 
  • Bought discount cut flowers at the grocery like a hypocritical BOSS.
  • Procrastinating calling a tow truck. 
  • Procrastinating cleaning toilets. 
  • Procrastinating <insert everything here>.
  • Put periods at the end of all my bullet points cuz that’s the way I am. Not sorry. 

I already had a website/blog when I created that Tumblr 10 years ago. The purpose was so that I could let loose all the random thoughts I had that were not exactly “blog” worthy. Or rather, all the shit I was thinking that I really didn’t want on my primary and publicly promoted site. Anything a little angry, or seedy, or jealous, or needy. 

It’s actually some funny stuff. Reading it I forget how much I enjoy my own sense of humor. And again, a good reminder not to take anything too seriously. 

The last post there was late 2016, when I hit rock bottom. Or like right before I hit rock bottom. Like a hot 10 seconds before I drank myself down a drain and hit my head on the concrete at the bottom of the sewer. 

Not sure how long I was out, but the day I woke up wet and covered in shit was the same day I decided to start this blog.

I haven’t needed that alternate blog because I have this! And I have you!! My oh my. What a day of epiphanies!!! Seriously!!!! 🤣

Why taking caffeine and saying “I don’t care” out loud makes me feel better, I don’t know. But I love it.  

Yours truly,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-15 Trying to be Positive Amidst So Much Negativity

As predicted my step streak was broken yesterday. Missed it by a whopping 4K as I sat around all day lamenting my fever and aching muscles. 

Let’s cut to the chase. It’s negative 13 degrees outside right now. The high will be negative 2 which won’t last long before the dip back down to a bone chilling negative 18. That’s a whole lot of negativity people. Why would I fight it? 

My fever and headache yesterday persisted all day and started to dissipate as the evening approached. Still my body felt like it had been through some iron man trial and was sore all over. I even had a nap and was able to sleep in the afternoon. Not sure what time I went to bed, but Jim didn’t wake me this morning (and neither did his alarm) and it was lovely not to have to wake up before the sun for a change. Just wish I didn’t have to also feel like I was on my deathbed so I could actually enjoy it. 

The other reality check this morning is that it’s been like 3 days since I’ve had a shower. As I look at my Monday to-do list, I feel like adding it just so I can cross it off. Sad but true. 

Jim was so sweet taking care of me, which mostly consisted of letting me lay around like a lump while he did his own stuff. He did take me on a Valentine’s Day mini-road trip to pony creek recreation area and all I had to do was sit in the car and enjoy the scenery. 

The lake there had a big hole in it that appeared as though it had steam coming off and several hundred geese huddled in and on the ice surrounding the hole. It was a sight to see and it makes me think of all the poor animals out there huddled together in this desperate cold trying to survive. 

I set our thermostats to 68 and 70 before going to bed. This cold spell is gonna cost a fortune. This is the disadvantage of living in a large house. There’s so much unused space. I wish I could declare a winter weather emergency and make everyone camp out in just a few rooms until it passes to conserve energy. Oh well. 

In other news we are now over halfway through February and I feel so far that I’ve failed with the challenges I’ve issued for myself both for the year and this month. I’m starting over today. More healthy eating habits and more meditation. Feeling like garbage the last couple of days has really made me think about getting back on the heathy bandwagon. 

I’m not sure I’m quite up to adding more cardio yet, as I’m not quite recovered from being sick, but there should not be anything that stops me from meditation (or eating healthier). 

In other news we have a car stranded at Jim’s office that will not start and that means I get to play taxi a little bit today if I want to hit the grocery store and start getting my act together for the week. It’s Presidents’ Day and apparently that’s a “no school” holiday, but I still have to pick my son up from his dads house. I think with this cold they would have called school off anyhow. They can’t run busses and have kids standing outside in this frozen tundra!

None of this is news. None of this is noteworthy. I want to try and be positive but there’s not a lot more on my brain today besides getting that shower and staying warm. Guess that means it’s time to switch to reading.

Until next time, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-10 The Mirror I’m Looking at is Also a Revolving Door

I suppose I’ve been past due for another “In the Mirror” moment. By now, with the reliable repeat, I guess it’s always just a matter of time until it happens again. 

I’m talking about the moment I step on my treadmill and look at myself in the mirror (figuratively and literally as the treadmill faces a wall of mirrors). I’m somehow engrossed in thoughts about my reflection, preparing for another session of writing which often begins with evaluating my “stats” and sometimes stray thoughts about the way I look. 

I’m well on my way to thinking about the potential topics for the day. And then I check my email. Now I’m getting to it. The moment where I get some piece of news that knocks the wind out of me, derails my thoughts, and frankly makes me feel ashamed for my self-centered focus. 

Today I clicked on a Facebook notification from email which took me to a detailed and thoughtful post of a friend who was letting folks know about her child who has elected to identify as male instead of female. The family has been working through this for a while and their love and support of their child comes through loud and clear.

I’ve not been super close to this friend in the past few years but my heart goes out to her, her husband, their child, and family. It’s a testament of their love that their child felt safe enough to tell their parents. 

Part of her post was about legislation in Iowa that relates to rights of LQBTQ+ peoples, but mostly it was about their son and their journey thus far. Reading down through the post it just hit me in a way I can’t quite describe and I didn’t get very far before I was so emotionally overcome that I broke into tears. 

As a parent, I have had challenges, but not this challenge. Everyone’s journey in life is different (which is one of the things she said in her post). And though I’m disconnected from them and don’t quite know how to try and relate, the common thread is positive parenting. I’d say that I would support my children no matter what choices they make in life or what struggles they face. 

And I say “choice” but recognize that being transgender is not a choice. It’s a natural occurring discrepancy of self when the body a person is born into does not match who they are inside. Just like being gay is not a choice, it’s just who a person is. I believe that a person is born the way they are and each of us has unique circumstances to reconcile, some of which are tougher than others because of the expectations and “norms” dictated by society at large. 

The “choice” comes in how we face these reconciliations and fortunately for my friend, the world is a far more understanding place now than 60 years ago, or 30 years ago when we were growing up. And fortunately for her and her son, they are surrounded by good people who are supportive. 

I continued to feel overwhelmed with emotion as I read through the comments and outpouring of love from friends. I want to respond too, but need to find the right words. That is Part of what I’m thinking about now. 

***

It’s now several hours later and my experience from earlier this morning has calmed somewhat. I wanted to respond via Facebook and did. I keep thinking about it and still feel confused about why it made me cry. Then I remind myself it’s not about me. Then I feel bad for being self-centered. All of this is true. And as history repeats itself, the experience described in my poem, ‘In the Mirror’ echo again. 

It’s a poem that feels important to me yet I’ve lost confidence in the writing because it’s been rejected so many times. Is it too melodramatic? Is this post too melodramatic? 

Does the fact that this random Facebook post and my friends situation move me to tears make me too melodramatic? 

Again, it’s not about me so why am I making it about me?

See this revolving door here made of reflective glass, hitting me repeatedly in the ass? 

Despite the end rhyme, I’m not joking. All I have to offer are words. 

What else can I do? 

Hug your babies and make them feel safe. 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-20 Take Two

I kinda told the whole world to fuck off today. I mean, within reason. 

I cancelled the appointment I had with my financial advisor. I really don’t see the need to talk to him unless I need something or he needs something. Feels like a waste of time. He’s got my business, my money is in his hands, I trust him, he’s a good guy. But we really have no reason to chat. 

His company must require it though as he wanted to reschedule. So I kicked that can till Friday and continued to host my own personal pity party from my living room couch. 

I cancelled lunch with my dad too. Bad daughter but I just couldn’t. I just didn’t want to. Prolly try to Friday on that too. 

Then I put my darling daughter off too. Bad mom. In order to pull that off I had to promise tomorrow. I’m hopeful tomorrow will be less of an existential shit show. 

At 2:15 today I slid back under the covers for a 30 minute rest. That helped me regain the energy needed to get through the afternoon. 

I picked up my son from school, had a chat with my sister on the way, met with some folks about lit mag business, and then cooked dinner for a few peeps. Might have had a glass of wine with dinner. Might have eaten too much. Might be walking off that “too much” feeling now. 

I punched my subs back up to 75 today. Going the free route for most of it and and aiming low with batches of poems from my thesis that are still unpublished. New strategy is to mix up the batches though. A few old and a few new. Never know what’s going to appeal to a reader. It’s just all a gamble anyhow. 

I also sent like 30 declines for the GLR which I have decided makes me grumpy by default. Partially because I hate being the bearer of bad news (even if it’s largely anonymous) but also partially because it forces me to see just how careless most people are with their work. Why put so much time into the crafting of the poems and then completely ignore submission guidelines, formatting, requests to de-identify the manuscript. It makes me lose a little bit of respect. (Or a lot). 

I want people to have a good experience but good grief!! What is so damn difficult about making the title of your submission match the title of your attachment. IT IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE!!! 

My lit mag meeting today was with Kate Gale, owner of Red Hen Press and LA Review. Yeah, she’s big time. All my questions are about funding and trying to run a sustainable business. But it’s been a long time since she was where we are, at the beginning. She’s operating on a million dollar budget and talks about donations and getting thousands of subs, and those being the two top revenue streams. We ain’t got none of that going on. We just small potatoes. 

The way I figure it, we will be operating in the red until we can get the paperwork for the non-profit status in order. I dunno. It’s a lot of work. And $$$. 

It’s now past 8. I’m so done with this day. Hoping to head to the couch for some serious veg time soon. 

Thanks for hanging out, anyhow. Have a great night. 

Yours truly, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-19 The One Track Mind of My Desires ☕️🍔🌮🍕🍿🍫

I subconsciously added the word “food” in my paper planner on each day of the week this week instead of “mood.” This would be fine, except that I already have another daily goal for eating healthy which I abbreviate to “eat.” The result is the following five daily goals: 

Sleep, eat, food, mind (for meditation), and Exercise. Apparently my subconscious knows I’m hungry. I’m always hungry. When am I not hungry??? 

The answer is never. 🤷‍♀️

I changed all the “F”s to “M”s. My subconscious might have ulterior motives but right now my focus is on meditation and mood. I mean, perhaps if I was full and satisfied I would not be fatigued all the time but, but.. hold up!! 

Sometimes when I’m writing, I learn something new and I think I just had a lightbulb appear above my head. 

A few months back I had decided that I was going to try to get more protein each day and that was going to help with my energy levels. But that whole exploration ended in failure because I became a little too obsessed with counting calories. Past the point of reasons, in reality.

But maybe I need to revisit that. Maybe I need to try again but slow my roll. That little experiment reminded me of how easy it is for me to slip into bad patterns of behavior but also about how many calories are a legit amount to have each day and what reasonable meals look like. I might try again, without actually  counting calories and just try to eat more protein. 

This would be going against my New Years résolution to do less goal setting and not add more expectations on myself. Mark the calendar… 19 days in and I’m already considering breaking my resolve. But I haven’t done it yet so there’s still time to save it.

Can you just see how I’m my own worst enemy. Who else do you know who makes a New Years résolution to do less and can’t keep it??!! 😜

Whatever. Yesterday I finally listened to the entire day 4 of the waking up app. Ironically, the session was about being able to meditate even with distractions and I could not listen to it all the way through because I kept getting distracted. I tried on Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I felt like I was never going to be able to finish days four. Complete failure.

However yesterday I finished. Not entirely successful but I did get to the end. Today will be day 5. Perhaps the trick is to do this when no one else is home. I know the ultimate goal is to be able to meditate anywhere and in any circumstances but I’m definitely not there yet. I actually think the day 4 lesson was introduced too soon. I’m still figuring how to focus on my breathing and just recognize sensations and let them pass.

I’ve got a full set list of things I want to get done today. A bunch of stuff for the lit mag plus getting my car registration taken care of. Plus the normal Tuesday chore of taking care of trash and recycling.

Several months ago they switched our recycling to once every two weeks. And then about six weeks ago they switched our pick up carts to these giant bins, that can be automatically picked up and dumped by the trucks.

All of this has led to a recycling disaster in my house. 

As the overlord of the house, I’m kind of a stickler about recycling and therefore we generate a lot more recycling than we do actual trash. If it can be recycled it goes in the recycle bin. The problem at this point is that we are generating more recycling than the amount that will fit in the bin every two weeks.

I’m flattening all the cardboard, squishing all the bottles and cans as much as I can but there’s just no way to make it fit. Two weeks ago, I left a bunch of flattened cardboard next to the recycle bin like I used to with our old system and hoped that they would Make an effort to pick it up. But they didn’t.

So I had to drag all that wet soggy cardboard back up to my garage let it dry out and try to put it in the bin this week. Which I did however now all of the other bottles and cans and cardboard won’t fit.

There’s a pile of cardboard growing in the corner of my garage and I don’t see a way to solve this problem. I guess we can always get another bin for the additional cost but it’s frustrating to have to pay extra for trying to be a good human. This is what’s wrong with our world. 

It’s tougher to be good than to just be rotten or to not care at all. This IS the change I want to see in the world. I suppose if I want to see the change, I need to do as they say and be the change. But I’m just one human: what can I do? 

I have a lot more to say on this subject. There’s a whole post brewing on the things I’ve just said in the last two paragraphs. But today is not the day. Today I need to focus. I need to get done what is directly in front of me. I need to follow through on immediate responsibilities and obligations. 

And then I need to meditate. 

And then I need to eat. 

And then I need to decide what is the next best thing. 

That’s the order of operations today.. maybe not in that exact order though, cuz I AM kinda super hungry and would like to eat first. 🤣

My cats have all been waiting patiently for me to finish my walk. They all find their own little spot to lay down in the exercise room to wait. Each day, they follow me from room to room, from task to task, napping in each different location. I think their primary objective is to nap while keeping one eager eye on the person who feeds them. They have life all figured out. Maybe I should take a lesson. Ha! 

On that note.., I’m done for now. Time to eat!

Cheers to Taco Tuesday!

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-16 Being Mindful That There’s Always Tomorrow

Whatever it was I had all week I lost. And I can’t exactly explain it. I mean, I can blame it on my period, I suppose, which has just begun. Middle of the night with a vengeance. My sleep was restless and by 5am I gave up and shuffled myself to the kitchen to get some ibuprofen. Those cramps. Ugh!! 

But is that the reason I’m stuck on Day 4 of the Waking Up guided meditation app? I literally tried 3 times yesterday to sit still and listen and pay attention and follow along. I rewound to the beginning three times and then gave up.

I rolled into my stomach on my closet floor and just felt the ground under my body. The new carpet, the contact points on my exposed skin and just tried to be there. I quickly forgave myself for not being able to listen to the entire meditation session. I have to accept that I’m just learning and some days it will be easier than others. I said “I’ll try again tomorrow.” And so I will. 

Then I sat up a little and stretched for the box of mindfulness cards I got for Christmas. I’ve been pulling random cards from the deck and it feels more like reading a set of tarot cards than anything else. Ironically the card I pulled yesterday was “let it go.” 

I chuckled to myself, well I just did that so what now. 🤷‍♀️

I honestly didn’t feel like doing anything else. Sometimes I feel like I spend a lot of time waiting on Jim. He’s a busy guy and it’s ok when I’m busy too, which I often am, but on a Friday night I should not be waiting. Work should be done or put on pause. Projects too. And if I’ve made an effort to do that, and don’t want to start something new because it’s Friday night, then I should not be laying on my closet floor waiting. 

After all, I have this problem where I’m so tired by 9pm and falling asleep and so being in that position at 7pm doesn’t help. I need to be doing something, talking, watching something. Something so that I don’t just crash out by 7:30. 

We eventually made our way to the basement to watch a movie. It was not the most exciting thing so I had trouble. Some Amazon original movie or something else included free with the service, some true story about a British guy who was an explorer obsessed with the Lost City of Z. Over two hours long. We could not finish it. I think we have 50 minutes left. Neither one of us was that into it. They can’t all be winners. 

So that was my exciting Friday night, followed by a sub-par nights sleep, and atypical Saturday morning. It’s already 11:30 and I’m just now on the treadmill. I’ll be heading over to CB today and after that taking my daughter shopping for a new desk. She’s decided to spend her own $$$ on a craft desk for the craft room. Probably we’ll spend some time in there organizing today. It’s almost done.

We’ve agreed that we’ll each have our own work area, with a desk and set of shelves. We have enough shelves and I don’t really need a desk, so I think getting her a desk will be the last thing. 

I can tell I’m in a down mood because I’m not looking forward to any of this. When the thought of doing things you normally would enjoy feels like a chore, then you know the dauber is down. 

I need to snap out of it. I’m not sure how. 

Maybe I just need to let go more. Take a few days to back off even farther from putting expectations on myself. Can I just give myself more time? There’s no way to know what is right. Is there really  no way to know? 

I’m staring directly at the open notebook with my stats, goals, checkboxes, and the rest of the weekend that’s not filled out yet. Sleep, eating, mood, mindfulness, and exercise. My daily five, plus other to-do list items. Time to close that book for now I think. 

I’m only at 5k steps but really not feeling this jam today. It’s ok. Like the meditation I’ll have another opportunity tomorrow.

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-14 Day of Reckoning 🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽

So far so good this week. It’s the second week of January and I’m doing OK sticking to “the plan.” The plan being to NOT take on too much and make micro moves to improve my health and well being. The target is currently getting better/more sleep and trying some things that might help with my daytime fatigue. 

I changed “productivity” on the list of goals I’m tracking each day to “mood” and added meditation. I’ve committed myself to not becoming over committed so I set the goal for meditation to 15 minutes a day. I can do that. It’s achievable and that’s important. Yesterday was day 3 using the Waking Up app. I’m digging it. 

As far as swapping productivity for mood, the way I figure it’s all the same in my brain. If I’m productive, I’m usually in a better mood and both categories are subjective. I never really had a solid daily goal. No “if I do X, Y, and Z, then I can check that box” so This mood thing makes more sense. 

Probably one of the biggest challenges with “the plan” for this year is the thoughts that creep in about what else I can do. Like today, I’m doing good. I see my stats are banging and all the boxes are being checked and my brain naturally urges me to add something else. 

Brain says “you’re doing great so why not do better by adding another goal? You want to do better right? You’re awesome and you can do it!” 

Yes, my brain tells me I’m awesome all the time. Now aren’t you jealous? 

I try to be humble most of the time but sometimes it slips out. We all have our weak moments but I don’t think I’ve ever had a problem with self esteem. I mean, not in the pure sense of the concept. I’ve suffered from a lack of being loved properly before and wondered what was wrong with me, but even through that, I still felt good about myself. I’ve suffered also from body image issues, but deep down still know I’m doing ok. That I’m healthy and doing the best I can. 

I digress. 

So far this week my brain has urged me to do the following:

  1. Increase my daily step count goal (more than once). 
  2. Set a new goal to increase my submissions to publications. 
  3. Add additional chores into the daily rotation. 
  4. Donate blood. 
  5. Add another New Years resolution to keep my closet clean every day. 
  6. Commit to writing a new poem each week. 
  7. Try to start a new writing workshop with friends. 

These thoughts just pop into my head randomly and I acknowledge them. I remember what my friend M says about these busy thoughts. She said just watch them go by like a movie and let go of the need to take action. I’m trying.

They pop, and I watch, and then they subside. I’m learning more about how to be better at this and beginning to practice with the meditation instruction I’m receiving. Like I said, so far so good.

***

Today I have one and only one weekly house chore on my list. That’s to clean toilets. I’ve put this on my list in past weeks and have never actually made an effort to go around the house and clean all the toilets. I hate cleaning toilets. This is a stupid statement. Who likes cleaning toilets? When I got married last year I almost put in my vows something like “I vow not to let you domesticate me, and I vow never to do your laundry or vacuum.” Call it the anti-vow. 

A few weeks ago Jim and I had our first real argument. We’ve had disagreements before but this was a heated, trite conversation that was triggered by the fact that his teenage son does not separate his recycling from his trash. I was sick and tired of digging through dirty trash bags to separate the recycling and it just came out, and it came out exasperated and angry.

Jim countered this with how upset he was that the toilets are dire. Instead of talking more about it, it was swept away till “later” when we were both calm and away from the edge. We never revisited these issues so I’m sure it will rear its ugly head at some point.

However, IF I’ve made an effort to clean, he’ll have no choice but to help with my “trashy” issue right??!! 

Today is the day. Toilets, here I come! 🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽

I’m also driving to CB to visit my dad and having a rare coffee meetup with my friend Josh. The last umpteen times Josh and I have made a plan, I’ve dipped out day-of. We used to hang out a lot when I lived in Papillion. We went to the same gym and we used to walk and talk and sometimes go for coffee too. Of course it was way more than just that but the friendship waned when I met Jim and when I moved it became rare to hang out.

I think I saw him once last year with the pandemic. Maybe twice. I definitely have to be in the right mood for a meetup with the guy. He can be intense. He can also be a broken record. He also sometimes says things with a motive of insighting conflict. A good example is telling me I’m with the wrong person. Even after I got married he still says it. Obviously since I have not seen him, his only opportunity to get digs in is over text. My standard response is “cool story bro.” What I should say is “at least I’m with someone.” He hasn’t had a real girlfriend for years. He’s very stuck and broken and can’t face his own issues (or just doesn’t make moves to fix them) but very good at pointing out other people’s issues. Not my problem.

Wow. It seems like I really don’t like this guy. It’s probably why I haven’t met up with him in a while (besides the Covid). Why then would I meet up with him now? That’s a good question. I think that would be a good topic for a future blog post. Maybe tomorrow after I’ve met with him. 

Anyway, so that’s my day today and perhaps it will all play out like I envision in my head. Perhaps. 

Sometimes I think my steps are not being recorded accurately. I mean, I feel as though I’ve been walking and typing for a while now and I still only have 7K steps. How can that be? No matter, I’ve got to get to scrubbing. 

🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽🚽, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-10 Sunday Status New Year Style

Yesterday was another well balanced day that began with a lovely walk and several hours spent playing catch-up on all the GLR stuff that’s overdue to be completed. There’s still more to do but I can sail through the rest of the weekend feeling satisfied with my progress. 

The day rolled along and I spent some good QT with Z and with Jim. Z is actively selling some of the extra furniture from our craft room and so I’m helping her with that. Any funds she collects will go toward her latest project which just happens to be starting a new business on Etcy. She’s got big plans, motivation, and time. I mean. At the moment she has all these. We’ll see once she goes back to school. 

In any case, the gutting and reorg of the craft room is for that endeavor too. She needs a well ventilated space to work on her latest passion.. resin. At Christmas we all got gifts that were made out of resin and she’s learning a lot about how to produce good quality items that don’t have flaws like bubbles and unfinished edges. One thing is true.. when she decides to do something she’s thorough and determined. 

All of the furniture we are parting with is mine from my old house and life. When we first moved in we decided to keep the furniture so that when the kids move out to their own places they would have some things that they would not need to buy. But honestly, that seems to be quite a bit into the future and it will be better just to get rid of it now.

She’s using Facebook marketplace to sell and these items are priced to move so as soon as she posted, she immediately had to field dozens of inquiries about availability, dimensions, etc. I suspect a large part of our day today will be more of the same. That’s ok. 

Last night I powered through almost falling asleep at 8PM and demanded we do something else besides sit and talk. Talking, while lovely, is sometimes not very stimulating. I basically said, let’s watch an action movie. So we did. 

Jim selected ‘Bourne Ultamatum’ which he had seen and I didn’t remember ever watching before and it was good. Some parts felt familiar but that could be because I’ve seen other Bourne movies. It’s a pretty good movie. I’d recommend it. We’ll I’d recommend it if it wasn’t for the fact that everyone has probably already seen it. That’s how it is with me. I haven’t seen much. 

Anyway.. we watched the entire thing and I stayed awake for all of it. Hooray! After that I was like, peace out, and went straight to bed. FitBit recorded 11pm as the time my body went inactive. I guess one thing I can be grateful for is the fact that I don’t have trouble falling asleep at bedtime. I can’t recall ever having that problem in the last 10 years. It’s just all the waking in the middle of the night nonsense that’s my peoblem. 

Today / this week, I’m introducing meditation into my regular routine. Normally when starting something new like this would involve research but in this case the heavy lifting has basically already been done for me. I’ve got a few good starter apps that were recommended to me by my friend Vis who I didn’t even know did meditation until we were texting about it this week. 

I previously mentioned backing off some other goals/measures and making that official today. My step goal has been reduced to 10K steps a day. My sleep goal is now 7 hours a night -or- a sleep score > 75. I’m changing the productivity measure to “mood” and backing off the requirement for meeting that each day (which is kind of nebulous), and adding meditation to the list. Starting small.. 15 minutes a day learning and experimenting. 

What about food and healthy eating? Well I’m going to try backing off paying too much attention to that actually. Which is tough. I wanted to declare that I was going to stop weighing myself but I can’t right now. Believe it or not, it’s counter to my new approach. It really would be taking on too much and causing my brain to think about it too much and that’s not my objective. So I’m truth, it’s better to maintain the status quo than try and make a change. 

I want to spend less time thinking about it and not more. Checking this box each day becomes somewhat nebulous too since there is no measure. I’ve always hated the idea of using weight as the measure, but it’s just easy. 

Yes.. I just tried to make a case for why I’m going to continue to weigh myself everyday in support of not thinking about healthy eating. Kind of ridiculous. But whatever. 

I also resolved to be a better accountability buddy. This means reporting to T each week and seeing how she’s doing too. It’s first up on my list today when I finish my walk. 

Then we’ll do that Sunday thing we do. 

So without further ado, 

I bid thee farewell. 

Later gaters, 

~Miss SugarCookie