2020-02-14 Kauai Day 4 – Aloha from Our Lanai in Hawaii 🌴

My preference, of course, would be to write a little every day. I like to record the memorable moments and some of the great experiences I’m having. However, I’ve opted not to sacrifice any time thus far, doing things and seeing things for sitting down to write. It’s a good choice I think and hopefully the pictures we have taken will serve us well as a memory into this special time.

I’ve been snorkeling twice with Jim so far this trip and so this morning, I suggested he go alone and venture out a bit more than he would be able to do holding my hand and constantly attending to my fear and anxiety about the water. The whole snorkeling this is pretty bad-ass, and I’ve seen things I never would have seen if it weren’t for his love and support and encouragement. I’m not going to hash into the reasons why I have a fear of the water and drowning, I just know, it’s pretty amazing how he has helped me deal with that enough to enjoy the activities here in such a short time.

As with the previous three days, today is going to be another action packed adventure. When he returns we are doing a self-guided driving tour of the south part of the island which will include some cool hikes and stops at points of interest along the way. With four distinct areas of the island, it’s about a day each to explore around and really take in all that Kauai has to offer. After that, we return to the resort for a couples massage outside at a cabana by the ocean followed by dinner at a nice steak house (as long as we don’t opt for something else, which has happened a couple of times on the trip thus far).

It seems I’ve already used my hour up, again opting to sit and stare at the ocean, drink my espresso (there’s a machine in the room and that is definitely something I could get used to!), and write something special into the valentines day card I bought my husband to surprise him with a gift I brought all the way from home.

Yes, folks, not to be ignored is the fact that it is Valentines day. Historically a day I have loathed and grumbled about. This year, though, I get to keep living my word – which is to love the people you have in your life everyday and not just on special days. Today, I celebrate with my love and hopefully will get to keep on celebrating all throughout the year.

Loving the Whole World Today! 💕🌸💕

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-10 Miss SugarCookie is on the Move 💃✈️ 🌴💕🍹

We successfully woke up and got up when the alarm went off at 3:55AM. Yo, that’s the freaking middle of the night. But that’s the price you pay to get to your destination with enough time to get your bearings and potentially do something before the sun goes down.

So this is it.. the honeymoon I’ve been dreaming of my whole life. Literally. Even when I was a teenager and vowed that I was never getting married, I still fantasized about having a honeymoon. That some handsome and charming man would sweep me off my feet and we would escape together. Of course it was off into the sunset. Sometimes it was on horseback (yes.. really) and sometimes it was in some cute sports-car. I was a very day-dreamy girl.

Well that vow never to get married was broken when I was 19 and I never had a honeymoon. I mean, unless you count packing all my clothes into the back of a used Honda and driving across the country where we were stationed (las Vegas). I don’t count that. I made many questionable decisions and was fearless. I wasn’t riddled with anxiety and had not learned yet what bad things lurk everywhere. Just a baby really.

Fast forward a lot of years of learning about life and love and really being in control instead of always just letting everyone else dictate my choices. I jumped in the drivers seat and took the wheel. I was still that same girl, with the same dreams. By that time it was more realistic. It still involved a person, an equal partner. Someone supportive and kind who would lift me up but that bit about escaping into the sunset didn’t really change.

You remember that Vis? You called me out for having fantasies of fairy tales? Yeah.. that hopeless romantic was still a strong force inside. I said “whatever.. what girl wouldn’t want that?!” I still remember writing those words. (I recognize that not every girl does, because we all have different dreams).

I fantasized about Hawaii and going on a honeymoon there. In my head it was that ultimate romantic destination. Even after my divorce when I said I would never get married again, I still thought about the islands with, of course, the man of my dreams.

Then when I Thought I found him and was so sure he was my person and we would be together for the rest of our lives, I began to hold my breath. We had some great vacations and we slowly began to build a life together. Slow would be how I would characterize that aspect of our relationship. We loved fast and lived slow.

It was sometimes so slow that time may have stopped. After about 3 years the holding of the breath started wear on me. In all fairness, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted either, so his fear of commitment dictating the pace was something I just shrugged about. In the back of my head, and down in my soul, something still festered and became restless. Was it the idea of a honeymoon in Hawaii? Was that just the facade for the real dream.. the person who would be for me? I think so.

Most of this is history I’ve poured over before, but today of all days, it’s about as relevant as it gets.

I decided to leave that 5 year relationship and shortly after that was done-done (late 2016), I was also contemplating leaving the job I’d had for 5 years. Enter the Organic Miss SugarCookie, who made her debut early in 2017.

That year I not only figured out how to take back control of my life (again) but also learned how to really start making decisions to move myself in the right direction. I let go of the fantasy of finding someone to complete me and sweep me away to some tropical destination and magical life. I started making changes to make myself healthier and happier. As my tag like says “one day at a time”.

Not only that, but I said “Efff you” to the idea Of a honeymoon in Hawaii. I booked a trip at the end of 2017 to spend a week on Maui with my two amazing children. It was an epic vacation and an unforgettable time for the three of us. We did so many incredible activities and I wanted to make it one of the most memorable times of their life. It was priceless and proved to me that life can be whatever you want if you work hard and go for it.

Little did I know that four short months later I would meet my person. Yes.. the one!!

Fast forward about 2 years (yeah, coming up fast on that anniversary), and here we are. Sitting side by side on a plane on our way to LA. After a short stop there (barely enough time to get to the next gate) we’ll be taking off for our final destination… Kauai Hawaii!! 🌴

Oh the irony! 😜

Getting ready to land. Next stop.. the beautiful tropical paradise of my dreams with the person of my dreams!!! 💕🌸💕

Much Love!

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-09 Back to Reality Part Two

I’m finally.. FINALLY getting back into things that I should be doing instead of dwelling on all the festivities last weekend. It’s hard to believe that one short week ago we were last minute grocery shopping and gathering all the boxes and flowers up for decorating.

***

Those were the two sentences I wrote yesterday, obviously with high hopes to write more. But the whole back to reality thing means that I’m jumping from one big thing to another. In this case it’s a very welcome vacation for just my husband and I.

Did you catch that? I wrote “Husband.”

‼️💃‼️💃‼️

It’s true! I’m a married woman now. One week ago today we made that official and let me tell you, the days to follow brought several mini freak-outs but not a single one of them had to do with marriage or being married. If anything, it was a relief to finally embrace the confidence I’ve had growing inside of me for quite some time.

I was so jazzed that one of my mad scrambles on Monday involved driving to the courthouse to get the marriage license filed and get those certified copies. I just wanted that paper in my hot little hand. I had to run my finger over the raised seal pressed into the paper. I’m also itching to get that whole name change thing started. I am, however, holding off on that for a quick minute because of our pending travel plans. Tickets and reservations are all in my previous name so I don’t want to cause any confusion. Otherwise I’d already be embracing being a SAS. 😜

Here are the actual mini freak-outs in order of appearance…

1. Missing cat, presumed to have gotten outside and lost forever.

2. The need for pictures. Seriously felt like I was having a panic attack over not having pictures from the weekend. Like if there was no proof, it didn’t happen.

3. The aforementioned need to file the paperwork at the courthouse downtown.

4. The need to collect all the artifacts and arrange them in a scrapbook. I lied when I told people I didn’t have any more copies of the invitation. I did, but it was one I was saving for that scrap book.

5. The need to rearrange all the flowers we had at the ceremony into vases in the kitchen. Some flowers last a long time and it seemed like a waste to just leave them in a bin in the corner of a room. It is sad to see them start to droop and wither – roses are the first to go but I’ve got carnations I bought the week of the wedding for the house and they are still going!! There may even be some that last till we get back from vacation. We’ll see.

6. Finally, yesterday, the dilemmas about packing for said trip. I think I packed more than I ever have for any trip, even my 2 week solo trip to the UK. It’s ridiculous!

I think that’s it. If I could just chill out, that would be great. I know myself too well though. I know all day today I’m going to be getting more and more anxious about flying. It’s a good thing it’s happening like before the sun comes up tomorrow so that my day-of freak out will not be so bad. I’ve already had too many thoughts of the plane crashing and me being “Cast Away” in the Pacific ocean. My Stupid brain is so dumb.

Anyway.. next time I’m checking in it will probably be either while I’m en-route to my long awaited honeymoon destination or from the little resort we are staying at.

It’s gonna be great to just relax and go on some awesome adventures and see some really cool stuff. Not to mention some straight up, much needed one on one snuggle time with my husband.

There!! I said it again!! ‼️❤️‼️

Ok party people.. I think that’s it for this Sunday. Be kind to each other.

Peace,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-06 A Serious Reality Check

Spoiler Alert… It’s not all rainbows and butterflies (though I’ve had a lot of both very recently).

There is a story that most of us are taught, about life. A story that starts with beautiful beginnings and continues to wind its way through a path of happiness and wonderful moments. We are told that if we do everything right, life will be full and satisfying. It’s true, but as we also learn, through the act of living out that life, that it comes with ups and downs and bumps and bruises. I’ve spent a fair bit of time these last few days trying to balance out the way I am feeling. I’ve got mixed emotions and I’m trying to reconcile my grumpy mood and the empty/lost feeling that I’ve been having. I should still be riding on high from the celebrations this past weekend. But I’’m not.. It is quite the opposite. Though I’m still getting so much love and well wishes from people (mostly social media because I posted pictures of our day), it feels fabricated. Like, only one side of things is visible.

I need to take a little time and step through the days – not the Wedding, or parties, or all the things leading up to that (which I should also do), but what has happened after. Rewind to last Sunday at 3PM. Picture this…

The bride, standing at the bar with a drink in her hand having a conversation with a friend. There’s a small plate with a half eaten piece of cake and two macaroon cookies positioned on the bar next to her and several family members close by. She glances around and notices that people, most notably the man that she has just married, are scrambling around the room collecting decorations. Him and his children and a few others are dumping water from vases and putting flowers back into the bin she so carefully filled and carried and used the day before to decorate the space. What’s she thinking?

“What the hell is going on? Why are they doing that?” She looks at the plate with the cake and around the room again and then lifts her left wrist to look at her watch. Only she’s not wearing it because it’s her wedding day and she wore a bracelet instead. “What time is it?” She asks her friend.

“About 3PM” is the reply.

“Already?” Yes, already. A horrible feeling washes over her. It’s all over and what now? She had not thought much about this moment, other than wondering how she would feel. She looks at the cake again.

This is what I remember. Of all the things to remember from the last time, this is the same. I didn’t get to enjoy my own cake and I didn’t get to really talk to the people who came to support me because it all goes too fast. And then people rush around to clean up, and I’m all like “hey, but I’m just getting started”. Of course, I kicked into gear and started helping clean up too, because that’s what I do (and I wanted to make sure certain details were not missed).

An hour later all the stuff has been dumped in a room off of the garage in the house and we’ve changed out of our Wedding best and are sitting in the living room. We realize one of the cats is missing. We start to look for her. She’s nowhere to be found.

We spent what was left of the afternoon searching and even thinking she got out of the house somehow. Jim and Z and I walked the neighborhood calling to her and I carried food in a food dish, clanking it as I walked (as that is how I used to get her to come to the door when she went outside at my old house). This is not how this afternoon was supposed to go.. we were nervous and worried and thinking if she did get out, she could be long gone. She’s not used to this neighborhood, she has never been outside the house here. It was a terrible sinking feeling.

Several hours later the sun is down and we are back in the living room on the couch. The kids have retreated to their rooms and the mood is low. Jim has childhood trauma from a lost pet, and I’ve had several scares in my life to reflect upon. How do we even proceed with our day/evening. We should be happy and celebrating and falling into each others arms. We sit with anxiety and share our stories.

Jim goes to do a few chores as we had not yet had time to address the aftermath of the party at our house the night before. In the midst of doing that, he spots the cat slinking down the hallway. We have no earthly idea where she could have been sleeping that we did not find her but all of a sudden, there she was. We were elated and relieved. It was all so overwhelming it was like I had not exhaled for hours. All of a sudden, there we were in the kitchen and I was just sobbing uncontrollably. How could it all be over? How could this be happening? What now?

We continued to clean like it was a regular day after a party and I was already checking social media for pictures of events. That is when I started to feel a bigger let-down. I wanted to share the news of our day with the world, yet, I didn’t have any pictures. I wanted to keep the party going, but that’s not how it works. We had a few good snaps from friends and I posted the “life event” on FB.

1 day after (Monday), Jim goes back to work and the kids go back to school and it’s like nothing ever happened. Except that I have more cleaning up to do. I spend the morning sorting through the pile of decorations and vases and boxes to put some stuff away. I solicited for more pictures and kept my eye on FB for comments and other people’s posts. I had coffee and a chat with my friend Sarah who was still in town and that was really great, and felt like the best conversation I had all weekend. I guess I’m just better at one on one interaction (or at least that is what I prefer).

2 days after (Tuesday), Jim is at work and the kids are at school again. I space off my 10AM work meeting and spend the morning sorting through the party trash cans and separate the recycling from the trash, rinsing out glass and plastic. The kitchen smells like alcohol and I notice it is getting cold. By 4PM, I realize the furnace is not working. I’m exhausted and have not slept well for several nights.

3 days after (Wednesday), the living room and kitchen are cold and none of my troubleshooting efforts have paid off. I take one of the cars in for its regularly scheduled maintenance checks. I continue to obsess over pictures and frantically put together a scrap book of all the paper artifacts from the weekend, as if my life depended on it. I troll social media for more comments and post some of the pictures I’ve received of our big event. When Jim comes home from work, he looks at the furnace and we decide to call a service tech. I finally get my period (I had been spotting for about 7 days straight), and begin having bad stomach pains, which is not normal.

It is now Thursday, 4 days after, and the service tech has been and gone and the house is slowly warming up. Jim is at work of course and the kids are at school and I’m finally getting to sit down and really write what is on my mind. I’ve got a lunch meet-up today with a friend who was not at the wedding and plans later to grab a drink with my other friend who was. It feels very much like back to business as usual. But again, it’s strange because I’m not ready for it to be over.

You know, you work for weeks and months to plan something and when it is over and done, there is an emptiness that happens. I know I’m happy because I feel happy, and I am looking forward to lots of future stuff, but it’s like I’m so sad it’s gone. I thought I would feel relief. I thought I would be happy to get back to “normal life,” but I’m just not. I’m just sad.

Some of the flowers are in vases in the kitchen and they are starting to droop and wither. Soon, they will be too far gone and I’ll have to pitch them into the trash. That’s depressing.

For all the wonderful things and for all the happy moments, there is a balancing act that takes place. An equal and opposite feeling, a yin to the yang, a low to match the high. I’m definitely experiencing that. I don’t want to dwell on the negative, but I can’t ignore it either. It’s just a part of the big picture.

I have more to say, of course, but I’ve already gone on too long today. If you are still with me, thanks for reading. I’m going to try and break away from this funk today and just start enjoying married life. Married life??!!! I wonder what that’s like?!

Cheers through all the laughter and tears,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-04 If You Blink, You’ll Miss It

As predicted, time sped up to Superman pace this past weekend and it should be slowing down now, but doesn’t seem to be. Along that same line, I should be able to sleep now, but that’s not happening either. 5 hours last night and a sleep score of 57 (according to my Fitbit) and that’s no bueno. 👎🏻

I woke at 4 am and my mind was frantically replaying fragments of memory from the past few days. Mostly Sunday of course, but some from Saturday night too. It’s like my mind is one of those little flip books you thumb through rapidly trying to reveal the scene. Only it keeps getting stuck on certain pages.

The party at the house and the ceremony and brunch on Sunday went really I think but it went by so fast I think I’m just trying to relive it somehow to commit those memories to long term storage.

I told Jim about my rotten sleep this morning and my brain trouble and he asked if I had journaled about all of it yet. When I said no, he suggested I just start writing it all down and just get it out. I know he’s right. But where do I start? Where does one begin when there’s just so much it’s overwhelming?

Even now I’m thinking about a few conversations I had and I feel like I’m going to cry. That’s not ok. There’s no crying on the treadmill!! I guess that shines a light on where to start. It’s the people.

There was so much love and support surrounding us, it was amazing to be in the middle of that. I mean, I don’t typically like to be the center of attention but I felt so good and so safe and so happy that I just wanted to grab the microphone (which didn’t work for shit, by the way 😬) and talk and talk and just tell everyone how much I love them and why.

That moment keeps going in my head because despite how long I did go on, I had so much more to say. More I wanted to say about my kids and Jim and all my old friends and new ones. Of course there are things I wanted to say but forgot, and a few people I forgot too. But, that’s the nature of not preparing something ahead of time.

I went on and on and I probably could have kept going but didn’t even know how long I’d been talking. I guess I just had/have so much to say that’s been building up for years and years inside of me.

Even now, I feel like I just want to launch in and start over again. I want a do-over. Not just for that moment, but so many other moments. Too many to write about now and I’ve actually been thinking more than writing and my hour is up. I’ve gotta cut here and go get on that Taco Tuesday party train.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-02-02 At Long Last! It’s Here!! 🥂💍💕

We’ll folks, this is it! It’s finally here!!!

No, I’m not talking about Groundhog Day, though that’s today too and Im happy to report Phil did not see his shadow so we are having an early spring!! 🌷🌷🌷

No, I’m not talking about the Super Bowl either, though that is also today and I’m sure the Chiefs and 49ers are going to put on a good show. 🏈🏈🏈 It won’t be as good as what I have going on today.

I’m talking about my wedding!! The countdown hit zero at midnight and just a few short hours I’ll be walking down the aisle arm in arm with my children. I’ll be greeted by the man of my dreams and a whole room full of people will be there to witness as we pledge our lives to one another. 💍

I have so many emotions, where does one even begin? As you might guess, I don’t have a lot of time to write today. I’m just taking a few minutes alone, while the house is still sleeping to reflect on the last 24 hours and think about everything that’s happening today.

The most overwhelming feeling I’m having right now is love. Last night we had a house full of guests and there was so much joy and energy. To think that all these people came here to celebrate with us and support us, is quite incredible. I’m just so grateful, and can’t even find the words right now.

Time and it’s fluid relativity is a constant factor in all things. When life is tough, it serms like it slows down and you feel every ache as it creeps by. When things are good, it speeds by and you wonder what happens to all those days and nights. At this point I’m on the highest of highs and I know I’m my heart this day will be gone in a blink. It’s going to move so fast that I will have to remind myself to stop and breathe and just be present, in the moment.

That’s it for now. I’ve gotta start getting ready to get me that new last name! 💃❤️💃

With Peace and Love, Gratitude and Mindfulness.. Always,

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-31 The Play By Play +

I spent 6+ hours yesterday breaking up and shoveling chunks of ice down the driveway. I spent 6+ hours doing that instead of all the other stuff on my to-do list because, well, it just needed doing. In some places the ice was 2+ inches thick and we’ve been buying ice melt like it’s the new black.

The trick, EH tells me, is to put down little piles of it so when it melts through the water and chemicals will get under the ice and start working to detach it from the cement. A very helpful life hack, by the way. It would help if we had a nice easy sloped driveway so that gravity was also on our side, which it is at the end of the driveway but for the Most part it’s flat, so there is no place for the water to go.

That’s what I spent those hours on… ushering the wannabe water down the driveway into the street before it all melts and just sits there waiting for another freeze so it can be ice again. What’s up with THAT identity crisis?! That’s Nebraska.

In related news, it’s going to be in the 50’s and sunny on Sunday. Wowza!! A girl could not ask for better weather for her winter wedding in Nebraska! I could not in a million years have predicted that. But, it’s just icing you know. I’m already getting to marry the man of my dreams. Everything else is small stuff.

Anyway, there are 2+ consequences for my actions for yesterday. First, I’m sore as hell. Everything hurts. Ugh! Second is the fact that I was still cleaning and doing special house chores at like 9pm. Nothing like cleaning toilets at 9pm. Ugh! After that, we ran through the script together to put our collective finishing comments in, for which I was already too brain dead to care. An hour of talking later and I got the bed.

The “plus” in the two plus would be the shitty nights sleep. Despite getting 7.5 hours and FitBit giving it the score of 80 (which is supposed to be good) it was rotten. I had strange wired dreams all night long.

In one, I was in a mall and ran into my ex and we started walking and talking, there’s nothing particularly nightmarish about that but the vibe was no bueno. I also had the eerie sense I was going to be stuck wandering that mall for the rest of my life. Ewwww.

In another dream I was back in residency but had elected to skip about half of the sessions and was in a tight spot, knowing I was going to fail. What’s worse is that I missed the required session, a new bit where we were trained on how to master some random carnival game that involved shooting. Yes, because that’s essential to get a masters in creative writing. 😂

I almost don’t want to say what happened next, but remember, it’s just a dream. I went into a room that was set up for practicing this new skill, but it looked more like a tiny doctors office with an exam table. I was so tired, I left the lights off and decided it would be a good place to take a nap, so I climbed on the exam table.

A couple of folks came in and flipped on the light, and the only thing I remember after that is reading a sign on the wall saying that no masturbation was allowed in the room. Omg. Thinking about that now it seems super funny, but In the dream I was mortified. 😱🤣

I woke up after each dream needing to use the bathroom and then trying to go back to sleep. The last one was similar to the second dream in that it was related to my MFA. It had something to do with having a conversation with one of the mentors. She was giving me advice, or maybe reading tarot cards for me. I don’t remember. Again not a bad dream, per se, but a negative vibe.

At 4am my brain started to race about all the stuff that still needs to get done today. I took a half a Xanax and went back to sleep. I slept until 7. And now your all caught up on the play by play from yesterday to right efffing now.

Right now (2 days to go yo!! 💃), I’m getting what will likely be my last treadmill session before all the things with all the stuff start happening. Literally. Just about every minute is accounted for and I’m already exhausted. Jim is off today so the first order of business is grocery shopping for food for the party tomorrow. After that we divide and conquer our respective tasks.

By about 1, we should be wrapping that up and I need to scoot my booty out west for getting my nails done with my friend Sam. Let me tell you, they really need it. Right now though, I would trade that in a heartbeat for a full body massage. Oh my aching body.

That’s probably enough wandering the streets of the a SugarCookie brain for one morning. It’s Go Time!

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie