2020-10-13 Pepperoni Pizza = Strange Dreams 🍕➡️😱

It’s been previously verified that if I eat pepperoni pizza too close to bed time, strange dreams will disturb my sleep.

Last night was no exception. Though I would hardly call the dreams strange or disturbing, it was certainly odd for so many men from my past to pay me a visit in the same night.

Saying “so many” makes it sound like a lot. And that’s just not the case. But when you’ve only “dated” a few people, more than half feels like a lot.

I mean, I married my first boyfriend when I was 19 and we were married for 17 years so that’s a healthy chunk of my life and also when most people are meeting lots of potential partners and sowing their wild oats.

Fast forward to about 6 months after my divorce was final and I got on Match. I went on a few dates with a few guys but had no idea who I was and what I was looking for. I ended up seeing this one guy for a hot minute (six months). It was my first friends with benefits relationship. But I thought we had a potential future together so it broke my heart when he found someone else. (Thanks for all the good times and poetry Vis 😋).

Then there was Matt. My “big love.” We were crazy for each other. Until the sun came out, and burned off all that god-dammed dewy-eyed newness (paraphrasing the only viable poem that came out of those 5 years). Yeah. 5 years. Good grief. 🙄

Then there was JTA, another good friend who I knew from the first time he told me we weren’t right for each other that there would never be an “us.” He’s one of those that visited me last night. Just before I woke up. Probably talking about moving away and how this town is not the right place for him. If you think I’m a broken record, talk to that guy for 10 years and realize that it could be much worse.

Still, I’ve got a special place in my heart for him and all the time we spent together. I would not say he helped me through my rough patch so much as he was just reliably there. More reliable than most people in my life at the time. So I’m grateful. 🥰

After that I got back in the dating game and went out in my fair share of first dates. Even a few second dates. I dabbled in a few one-time stands and even started seeing a guy pretty regularly, for about 5 months. Again I thought we had potential.. until I started to lose interest. The day I told him I wanted to call it quits was the day I found out “we” were also never really dating. WTF people??!!

Sprinkled in all that were a few good times with my friend HL. Again, according to my well established MO, I did have thoughts there could be something more there. The main limiting factor was the distance between us. He doesn’t live in Omaha so we only saw each other on trips elsewhere. He was another one of the dudes to show up in my pizza induced dreams last night.

Then I met Jim of course and that was that. The Universe help me, I hope that’s it. I really think it is. And he didn’t need to show up in my dreams last night cuz he was sleeping right beside me. 💕

Removing the “one and done” instances, that adds up to about 6 dudes I’ve had feelings for. I guess two out of 6 is not a lot after all. I stand corrected.

I suppose the most disturbing part of the dreams I had was the fact that Jim was absent. And I had this uneasy guilty feeling about hanging out with these other dudes, even though I have no recollection of the actual going’s-on.

Whelp.. I didn’t intend to rehash my entire (un) romantic history, but there you go.

It’s almost mid-month and I have once again not done all the things I said I was going to do in October.

What I did do (that was not a part of my plan) was spend time putting together a poetry manuscript for sending out to potential publishers. I ran across a familiar name in Submittable and the deadline is October 18. And I’d rather be working on my writing than almost anything else. So that happened.

A friend of mine agreed to give it a good once over for editing and I was able to send it to her last night.

Today my set list includes GLR catch up and other various house chores. Oh, and I promised to help my darling daughter with her photography homework. Which translates loosely to needing a shower so I can be photo ready.

What’s not in the cards for today is eating more pizza. Nope. Not because of the crazy dreams, mind you. But because it’s Taco Tuesday. 🌮🌮🌮

Peace and Love Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!


Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-26 A Dreamy Reminder about the Path I’m On, and Why

Might have had a dream about you last night. Which was really a dream about me where you happened to make an appearance.

Engaged in conversation about nothing in particular you gestured to the patch of grey hair that has appeared just above the hairline around your ear. Yeah, we’re all getting there together and no person is immune to the human condition.

I’m sure you were trying to make me feel better about all the ways my body reminds me that I’m getting older, no matter how young my spirit feels. Or maybe you were letting me know that you’re still with me, In case I lose my way again and am in need of your lighthouse guiding me back to our path. A trail you’ve been blazing for as long as Ive known you, your steps digging a trench so deep you’ll never be able to climb out.

Maybe that path is not the way to our shared true north but a viscous circle of madness. Perhaps your purpose was not to save me but the other way around. And I have failed so far to rescue you.

It occurs to me now that while certain outcomes for ‘us’ are no longer within the realm of possibility, I may have more power than ever to help guide you out to sea. The world being on fire, there’s no better time to find a boat and venture out.

Or perhaps it’s never meant to be. I have lots of other important business to attend to anyway. Giving love, writing poetry, and raising my babies. If there’s one gift I can give them it will be the knowledge that they should go their own ways and follow their hearts passions.

Alas, children are stubborn and often don’t listen to their parents anyhow, so I can’t be held responsible for their choices.

I digress.

Whatever the reason, it was sweet of you to show up last night among the chirping squirrels and broken Keurig coffee makers without cups endlessly spilling water onto the counter and floor.

Thanks also for showing up when you did, in real life. My life has turned out tremendously better since I met you.

That’s all I got for now.
Stay Frosty,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-17 Restless Sleep and Unsettling Dreams

Everyday I wake up and check my FitBit. What kind of sleep did I get? What’s my sleep score and how many hours and minutes did the Bit think I was asleep?

Everyday there is an advertisement (of course) to try the “premium” version that promises more insights. These are troubled times, reports the app, so they are graciously offering a 90 day free trial. Maybe it was 60 or 30. I don’t remember. I typically dismiss that shit cuz I’m not interested in paying for “insights”. But yesterday I took the bait.

Friends, if I could only remind myself to cancel the subscription before the free trial runs out, it will be a miracle indeed. So what does one get for 9.99 a month? In short, a breakdown of the sleep score calculation. It’s based on movement, heart rate, and what I can only guess is some science stuff that shows how much REM sleep I’m getting.

More specifically, the three categories are: Time asleep, deep and REM, and restoration. Last night my score was 82 (which is good).

50% of the score is based on time asleep. I scored 43 out of 50. I wonder how many hours you have to sleep to get all 50 points? (I was 2 minutes shy of 7 full hours).

25% of the score comes from how much deep and REM sleep you get. Last night I scored 19 out of 25 and had 1 hour and 11 minutes in these stages of sleep. Deep and REM are different stages and they must add them up.

The last 25% is restoration which sounds nebulous but it’s actually the most interesting to me. You wear the FitBit all the time so it’s always collecting your heart rate. Walking, workouts, couch time, sexy time, and during sleep. It uses this to calculate your resting heart rate. This is a good indicator of heart health by the way.

When you sleep, your heart rate is also being measured and the calculation for restlessness is based on the percentage of time asleep when your heart rate was above and below that resting heart rate.

My resting heart rate used last night was 62 bpm (beats per minute). I spent 79% of my sleep time below that threshold and the other 21% above. Somehow that equates to 9% restless and a score of 20 out of 25. I’m not quite sure what the math is behind that but it’s cool right?!

It IS cool. But is it 10 bucks a month cool? I don’t think so. I mean, unless I can actually have some insight on how to improve my score (besides sleep aid drugs), it’s just numbers. Still, worth getting the free trial to learn these little details. Thanks FitBit!

Now to the second half of this blog post which answers the question… Why so restless?

The answer is dreams man.

The dreams I had were not nightmares. Just slightly disturbing. I can recall three distinct scenarios.

Dream One: Princess KK took over my job leading the team and I did some unsavory things that I felt guilty about. Not sure if I tried to sabotage her efforts in some way as that was not revealed in the dream. All I know is that I felt bad about what I had done and tried to confess to her.

This one is so spot on with my current work sitch. Not the sabotage part but KK has taken her place leading the team and I feel a bit minimized and unimportant. Perhaps I was dreaming of ways to usurp her authority and that’s what made me feel guilty. I’m only human right?!

Dream number two: My ex friend Erika’s husband was in some room with me and I was trying to explain to him how his dog (they always have big dogs) was also owned by my friend Kevin. Kevin named the dog Husker and the dog had become racist. I was apologizing for that too, as if it was my fault the dog had undergone these changes. Why in the world would I feel guilty about that and need to apologize??!! Stupid dream!

Dream number three was pretty basic. A girl from my past, let’s call her “the wild card”, cuz she was bat-shit crazy contacted me out of the blue. Maybe it was a message that popped up on my phone. She was like “hey, what’s up?” And I was immediately in a fix. Do I respond? What could she want? Why now after all these years? Didn’t she put me through enough? Why was she still in my contacts? My curiosity wanted to respond but I was afraid that would lead to a rekindling of our friendship and that’s a big fucking Pandora’s box. That’s all I remember.

That one makes sense too because I have an app on my phone called “GroupMe” that some of the MFAers in my class use to message each other. The only other thread I have in that app is one with the Wild Card. I was super surprised to find that when I downloaded the app and logged in last December during Residency that my history had been retained. My last message from said girl was April 1, 2011. The group thread was called “People Who Like Dancing”.

Yeah, we had some good times but I’m the end, I could not handle the responsibility of her. Gawd, that sounds terrible. I swear I’m not a bad person. Despite my dreams trying to convince you otherwise. Ha!

Yesterday I was looking closer at this thread and showing my daughter Z and asking her if she remembered the girl and her son (who was my kids’ age). Z was only 9 at the time and remembered enough to agree with my decision to cut ties. She said “yeah mom, good call.”

But those dreams!!! No wonder I was restless. Still, a sleep score of 82 is not bad. Whatever. 🤷‍♀️

It’s Friday and I’m teetering on the edge of the number of hours I’m supposed to work this week so imma use that as an excuse to get out of a late afternoon torture session thats all about estimating story points. It’s a dev thing. I’m not a developer so I don’t have much to contribute anyway. Though I could dial in and try and sabotage Princess KK. If my dream came true, I could call myself clairvoyant.

Ok. That’s enough nonsense for one day. If you got this far, I commend you and your attention span!

Happy Friday Ya’ll
~Miss SugarCookie

2019-12-20 The Answer is Pizza 🍕

You know how sometimes in life you get a feeling or a vibe or you notice a trend or a connection that defies explanation but you just know in your gut that there is something to it? Like intuition about something that makes no sense or random deja vu. There’s a reason we have a word like deja vu. It’s because it’s common enough to warrant trying to define and consequently universally understood. It is because of this that we know there IS something to it and it’s a part of the sort of mystical, unexplainable part of the human experience. Of course we are all different and have different experiences and so not all of it translates as easily from one person to the next. Take for example my pizza phenomenon.

I have noticed over the years (that’s right, not days or weeks or months but for years) that when I eat pizza, I have vivid dreams that are strange and also that I tend to remember in the morning. Now I’m not sure if the pizza is activating a part of my brain to trigger the strangeness of the dreams or if I am always having strange dreams and the pizza is just allowing me to remember. I typically don’t remember my dreams so the latter is definitely a possibility.

All this to say, I had pizza yesterday and my dreams were wacky and full of flair and emotion and epiphanies and I woke at 5:30AM from a seemingly endless night of half-sleep where I felt like I was trying really hard all night long to retain slivers of storyline just so I could try and remember in the waking hours of the day. Sadly, those slivers are all that are left, but It’s just enough to make me wonder what my brain was trying to puzzle out in the middle of the night.

In the first dream, I owned a tiny house on the edge of a ravine or on a low cliff and my daughter was there with me. I had moved several heavy pieces of furniture and there was some external conflict but I can’t recall with who or about what. Just that moving the furniture was shifting enough weight in the house to make it tip on it’s side and slide down, in kind of a tumble to the bottom of the ravine. It was scary when it happened but my daughter and I survived in some room that miraculously did not get crushed in the fall. We then climbed out and back up the hill to confront those unknown, unnamed people about the incident.

That is all I can recall about that one, but the exhilaration of being in the house as it fell was quite a rush and of all the dreams, that was the one I wanted to hang on to the most, so I think I kept thinking about it even as I experienced the other dreams, as if I was thinking about my first dream as I was actively engaged in the others.

The only thing I remember about the second dream was that the setting was in a mall or retail store or something, which was very brightly lit and there were lots of racks of clothing. There were a few women there, presumably owners or managers and after some back and forth conversation with them, they decided I should work for them as a model. I think it was a pretty fancy-pants kind of place with high end merch and they acted like it would be a big deal for my career if I took on the job. They were trying to convince me and I remember thinking in my head that it was no big deal. I mean, after all, it was not as if I had never modeled before. I did that one gig for Omaha Fashion Week that one time (true story) so shrugged and accepted their offer. That was it for that one.

In the third dream I was hanging out with a guy friend who I had known for years from hanging out in the same tech circles. I don’t remember what we were doing.. shopping or having a meal or something and I remember talking about like nerd stuff, our jobs and Star Wars and whatever and all of a sudden I realized that I could be in love with this person. Like after all that time being friends I was like “whoa.. there’s something here!!”. That was trippy. And in the dream I started having a daydream about the future. About taking things to the next level with this dude. That’s about the time I was stirred awake by the house alarm being disarmed by Jim who could not sleep and got up to work on work stuff.

After I got up to confirm that really was the beeping I heard from the alarm, I went back to bed. I just laid there thinking about these crazy dreams and wondered what it all could mean. And why so many and why now? Then I realized the answer was there all along and the answer is Pizza.

But as it is with most grand questions in life, the answer only leads to more questions. Like why Pizza??!! 🍕

Probably the answer to that lies somewhere deep in my brain, on a note in the pocket of the blue overalls of some tall and lovingly goofy Italian plumber. Oh Luigi.. you had me at hello.

That’s enough mystical musing for today. It’s Friday ya’ll and the weekend is minutes away. Cheers to that!

Peace and Love,

~Miss MarshmallowRiceCrispyCaramelBall

(Which is what happens when a Marshmallow marries a RiceCrispy and then they get a divorce and she marries a Caramel and they have about 3 dozen kids).

2019-08-15 Nightmares and the Spoken Poem

I don’t have much to muse about today. I could ponder longer the nightmare that I had last night which was super creepy but I kinda don’t want it to linger any longer than necessary. What was interesting was that I was having trouble falling asleep and at about midnight I got up and went upstairs to grab my phone off the charger where I keep it overnight (I don’t usually keep it by my bed anymore .. to tempt me into distractions). I brought it down to put the noise app on thinking that might help with my sleep.

Last I checked my Fitbit the time was 12:10. Incredibly I was stirred awake less than half an hour later by the aforementioned nightmare. I woke up and looked at my Fitbit and it was 12:38. That means that I fell asleep and fell into REM sleep and had a dream all in like 25 minutes. Who knows how long dreams actually last but it felt like a long sequence. It makes me wonder if we dream in fast motion. Is our brain playing out a scene that in real life would take 10 minutes in like 1 or 2?

I don’t have much insight from the Fitbit app interpretation of my sleep cycles other than the confirmation that I was in REM around that time. I also had a spike in heart rate which is another stat that is tracked. I’m like, no shit, that dream was terrifying, no wonder my HR was elevated. It was one of those that was so real so when you wake you’re all like over the top grateful that it was a dream. Why does our brain make nightmares. What is THAT about anyway?

***

Today the kids are back in school and I have the whole day to work on reading and writing. After my morning walk and Jazzercise, I’m gonna get down into it.

Tonight there is another poetry reading I want to attend. I know two of the readers, sort of, and am interested in hearing them read. I find that some poems are better read on the page and some are better heard out loud. I can definitely say that I’ve written a few that I think really suck on the page but with a little performance they kind of “pop”.

I enjoy slam poetry events too but sometimes I feel like the poems all end up sounding the same. Same topics, same drama, same voice. People don’t slam about their gardens and actual love poems are rare. It seems to be that slam poems and the rest of the written discourse doesn’t intersect very much. Perhaps that’s just a green assessment from someone with fairly limited exposure.

Whatever.

That’s all I got today..Time to Jam.

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-03-29 Those are Not My Cats

This morning I woke up in the middle of a dream where I had just realized my cats were standing next to each other and they were not hissing in offense or defense. I was all like “hey, look at that! Do you see that?” And the cats in my dream did not look like my cats. They weren’t my cats but in my dream they were. What’s even stranger than that is that I was with my ex-mother-in-law who was showing me some cool new feature on the iPhone that makes it super easy to share pictures and videos.

She had some thing she wanted to share with me that had to do with the kids and I just didn’t know how I was going to access it. She was showing me the settings to change to turn on this super cool new sharing feature and then I got distracted by the cats, amazed that they were both just sitting there like normal cats. When I said “do you see that?” I’m confident I was saying it to Jim, so he must have been with us but I never saw him in the dream. Then I woke up.

Now I haven’t seen or talked to my exMIL in years. I was always her favorite DIL (she had 3), right up to the day we told her we were ending our marriage and I ruined her sons life and her picture perfect family. Well, yeah, on the surface things always look perfect because that’s what we’re programmed to do. Beneith that thin veneer, though, were secrets, lies, grief, alchoholism, and infidelity.

The day we broke the news she said to me “you are a strong woman and you can get through this, I survived and so can you”. WTF was that supposed to mean? It took me a bit of time to put the pieces together enough to recognize that she had gone through much of the same things I was experiencing. They stuck it out and managed to maintain that picture we are all taught to believe is the ideal life. Perhaps by then things were back to good for them, that there was an end to the very dark tunnel I was in. But I was not going to try any longer or waste any more time on what felt like a lost cause. A marriage isn’t supposed to be a “cause” anyway, it’s supposed to be a partnership.

No, I said “F that noise”. She was right about one thing.. I’m a strong woman. I was strong enough to leave her son and take my life back. It was a hard road, but I did it. Sometimes one day and one step at a time, and of course I’m still alive and tied to that part of my life and my ex through our beautiful children so the struggle is still challenging at times.

Like I said, I haven’t seen my ex-husband’s mom in years. I’m not sure why she showed up in my dream now and why she would be the one showing me a cool new iPhone feature when she was always technologically challenged (and I’m the engineer). Does that mean I have unresolved issues with that family? Does it mean I should hold on to hope for my cats actually getting along? Does it mean I should look into getting a new phone? Dreams are so strange. 😜

It’s Friday again.. and I’m so ready for the weekend. I’ve worked a full week already and am ready to forget all that and enjoy doing a whole lot of nothing important with my sweetie for a couple of days. We’re prolly gonna be doing a careful balancing act between binge watching shows, vacation planning, and getting stuff done around the house. It may not be the most exciting thing in the world but it’s far superior to the alternatives my stupid dream-brain has forced me to think about.

Time to Jam,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-18 My Dreams are Stirring Up Some Shit

This morning I woke up at the tail end of a bad dream that was most certainly my brain trying to puzzle out something it’s grappled with a time or two in the past and potentially still struggling with. I have an inner desire to please People and do a good job and I think that’s ok, maybe even a great quality, but what it requires is a certain amount of external acknowledgement that’s not always given.

In my dream, I was having a perform e review and instead of being conducted by my boss, it was being administered by a PM at my last company… good ole Steve-O. He was relaying some pretty bad news. I’d been graded at a D. First off, that’s not how we were actually rated. Our marks were based on a flawed 4 point scale which was flawed because under the present dictator, a 4 was unobtainable. Before he took over, I regularly scored 4s in most categories and my composit score was about 3.75. The last couple years, though, under his rule my composit hovered right around 3. This was despite working harder than I ever had and pouring the amount of blood, sweat, and tears into each week that breaks a person. Yeah, there’s no denying that my situation there was a contributing factor to my overall declining health. But I digress.

Returning to the dream, I was arguing my case. I was asking for a second review by objective persons. I knew the numbers were skewed by my relationship with the president of the company. Now I knew Steve knew this to be true, but he wasn’t allowed to go against the Man.

I said that I always put 110% of myself into what was asked and challenged him to go do a survey of all my customers to see what marks they would give me. I could see in his eyes he knew I was right, and agreed to do that. This is the point in the dream where I woke up. I was upset.

I got up and wandered to the bathroom. I thought about why I might have that dream now. I’m coming up on the anniversary of the day I quit that job last year. I know I’m not happy about my final performance review there. They did downgrade me in several areas and I’m convinced it’s because 1.) They did not want to Give me a decent raise and 2). They were trying to push me out the door.

Shit went down there late the year before with another employee and I was periferally involved because he was on my team. I was vocal about the President of the company behind the closed doors of HR but I have no doubt my statement was made available to the entire executive team. I was probably tagged as a liability. /shrug

Anyway, I know I always did the best I could so I’m looking for other reasons for this dream now. I don’t get much recognition from my current gig. The team gets a lot of props for hitting milestones and being awesome, but not a lot individually. I think I’m the kind of person that needs that individual validation. It is what it is.

I’ve also been kind of wondering lately if they think I’m doing a good job. It’s not the kind of gig that does employee performance evaluations or 1 on 1s with the “boss”. I might just ask him. Sometime soon perhaps.

Here’s the other late breaking news, which may or may not play into inspiration for my dream… yesterday I saw my elderly neighbor across the street struggling to push an old non-motorized mower through her 12+ inch grass and weeds. JS has one of these mowers and I know it’s tough to use if the grass gets too long. This looked damn near impossible, especially for her. She can barely walk. My heart hurt watching her. I offered to help.

I walked across the street and told her I’d mow after I was done working at 2, which I did. It took me an hour to do the front and side yards which were a bitch. Still, it was gratifying to look back as I walked away to see the job done. After that I saw her back out working on spots that popped up again after I was done. When it gets that long, the mower pushes the grass down flat and sometimes the blade goes right over the top and doesn’t make a cut.

I went back over and told her we could come cut it again this weekend to take care of that and my son might be interested in a regular paid gig. She seemed interested. But here’s the rub.. she didn’t even say thank you. When I came out the first time she broke down crying and saying she didn’t know what she was going to do. “No family in town and her husband is ill”.

Once the deed was done she didn’t even seem grateful. She was only interested in getting more help. I told her I’d bring my kids over and we’d chat more about it. Later I did that and she showed me and C the back yard which was a total wreck. A person could not even mow back there until all the debris was picked up. I wanted to grab C and run away and not look back.

All that may or may not play into my bad dream but it seems likely. Doing work, not being recognized for it (or thanked), and then having someone just want more. /shrug /shrug

So this is how smart, logical people approach the current situation with the neighbor… we write out an estimate so she has a paper to reference what the offer is and we include a price for first time yard prep. We crank it up just a touch so that it’s worth our while and perhaps that will give her pause and cause her to seek other estimates.

I’m also going to say it’s X amount for the re-mow this weekend and that will be a good test to see if she’s actually going to pay. If she doesn’t, then we know the deal is sour. I can feel good about yesterday’s good deed and have a clear conscience if that’s all we ever do.

Yesterday I said I was immune to the shit that happens in life, so now I have to live my word and not just type /shrug, but really mean it. “I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.” 😜

On that note.. I’ve got lots to do on this fantastic Friday. Time to jet!

/Shrugging it all off,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-26 Up Before the Sun.. Twice

Sometimes the Universe has an ironic sense of humor and sometimes it’s just a supreme asshole. For real.

Last night I woke when it was still dark. Looking down at my Fitbit (to check the time) all I could see was that the battery had been exhausted and a charge was in order. I took it off and put it on the charger. Then Iooked at my phone and it was 3 something. Ugh.

I woke because I was having a bad dream. Not a nightmare by any stretch of the imagination but bad enough. I was dress shopping (oh the horror 😱) and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was in a mall and going from store to store and what I wanted to find was something semi-formal for a special occasion. The racks were practically bare.

I recall thinking that if I didn’t find something I could always wear one of those cocktail length brides maids dresses I already have. Yeah, even in my sleep the logical brain is hard at work. There was only a few dresses I remember seeing that I halfway considered before dismissing. Two more casual numbers reminiscent of “pretty in pink”, probably because they were pink. Yuk.

If you knew me, you might now that I love dresses but I hate shopping. I mean, I really hate shopping. I’ll avoid shopping for clothes at almost any cost. If I can’t pick something up at Target with a quickness, then forget about it. And malls… gross.

I won’t even shop for dresses even though I really like to wear dresses. For one thing, I don’t need anymore dresses and for another, I don’t have a lot of occasions to spur some need for a new one. So this dream.. bad news man.

Awake at 3, I check my email and opened something from Josh about weight loss and hormones. It was a link to a YouTube video, a six minute clip from a joe Rogan podcast. I watched that and it was enough to wet my appetite for more info but I had no desire to search for more just then.

Instead I picked one of the next things in the suggested YouTube list, a Ted talk about how to live a happier life with a more uncluttered mind. The speakers secret? Not giving a fuck. Really. That was her whole talk.. a lesson about how not to give a fuck. And how to politely say no when you don’t want to spend your time or money or energy on something.

I’m all like “no shit”. I could’ve given that talk, especially since I’ve been self taught (even if it seems like I’m not so good at times remembering what I learned on my time off last year). ReLly I think she was just looking for an excuse to say the word “fuck” a lot in front of an audience. I couldn’t finish the vid and moved on to something more interesting. A Ted talk about sex.

(Which makes me wonder what the algorithm is for showing you suggested videos). I mean seriously.. why were those the top suggestions after the Joe Rogan fat thing? Hmmmm. 🤔

The “sex talk” also didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I could see sinking hours into interesting videos on the Tubes, but my attention span can’t handle wading though stuff I don’t find valuable or interesting. So I was done. I went back to sleep and that was a success (for a while anyway).

Enter stage left bad dream number 2. This time I’m going to some conference with some co-workers at a remote location. It started in the hotel room with my trying to get ready to go but not finding the things (mainly clothes) I was looking for. Sounds familiar right?!

Fast forward to me with two other people getting out of an elevator and since I don’t know where to go so I follow them. We get to the first little alcove/booth and these people I was following weren’t there. Poof! So there I was at some big convention center with hallways and rooms and audutoriums with no clue where I was supposed to be. And the clock was ticking.

Breakfast buffet from 8 to 8:30 and then the first speaker promptly at 8:30 and attendance is mandatory. It was 8:15 and all could think about was that I was going to miss the opportunity for food (priorities). Ask me how I knew it was 8:15 and I’ll tell you I swear I saw it on the Fitbit on my wrist.

Someone once told me you can’t read words or numbers in a dream. I’ve never been able to confirm or deny this claim, but I suspect it isn’t true. “Horseshit” I say.

That’s me employing profanity to garner continued interest like that lady who said fuck a lot in that Ted talk. Ha!

Anyway, when that dream finally woke me up I was over and done trying to sleep with all this havoc wrecking my dreams. It was 6am and the sun wasn’t up yet. I got up and got dressed and went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few household things I’d been putting off getting in the daylight. Wal-Mart is actually not that bad at 6am.

Now I’m just finishing up my morning cardio and I’m already fucking tired (and hungry). Damn.

Thanks Universe,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-03-13 Fire 🔥 and Ice ❄️

I said upfront that it is what it is. Organic is a nice way to say unprocessed and unfiltered. That means that sometimes you get unfiltered awesomeness and sometimes it’s just rotten. Today I have a rant about my ex (husband) and if I remember before I’m done writing, I also want to contemplate a dream I had and what it might mean.

First, the ex. This guy! Flame 🔥 on!!

This guy who never cared about being a partner in parenting when our kids were small. This guy who was so career driven “for us” but found time to go out and drink and screw around when he was in town, yet didn’t have time to change a lightbulb or drive his kids to swim class.

This guy who was perpetually stuck in his 20s and wanted what he wanted and didn’t care until well after our divorce.

Having 30% responsibility for the kids when we separated was eye opening to him. He slowly realized how difficult things can be and also what rewards were also possible. Now he cherishes his children and they are his world, but that took a long time.

I remember the first time he texted that he was up all night with Z who was sick. I was all like “how is she now?” (And welcome to the real world, no shit it’s hard).

I went through years getting letters from the school about how my children were habitually tardy and he always said that it wasn’t him. He was always the master of convincing himself he was never to blame. I’m the data nerd, so I had the calendar with the schedule and crosschecked that with the detail reports I requested from the school. Surprise surprise, the kids were late on his mornings. I knew that already because I was rarely late.

Then we went through a phase where his vehicle wouldn’t start in the mornings. Despite it being at least 8 years newer than mine AND the same kind of car (Ford Escape), he would text and say “my car won’t start, can you take the kids?”. What was I supposed to do, say no?

He always made excuses.. and each time that was a reminder to me why were not married anymore. Over time (8 years this week actually), he’s gotten better, and now he has a job again and a girlfriend and takes more responsibility for things.

Every once in a while, though, I still get those reminders. This week Is his daughter’s Sweet 16 party which is a big deal to her, and I’m taking care of ALL of it, including hosting at my house and paying for everything. The only thing I physically can’t do is get 8 people to the escape room event and back. I asked for his help with carpool over two weeks ago and then confirmed again last week.

Then yesterday Z and I were picking something up at his house I’m the middle of the day, and he saunters out in his pajamas and comes up to my car window to say hi.

“I took the day off because I hate my job” he says. I conceal my eye roll by briefly looking down and then just smile and nod. I proceed to confirm the carpool again (because this is necessary) and I’m glad I did because he proceeds to tell me he can’t because he has a job interview IN DENVER. WTF??!

I’m really low on good alternatives. I’m not friends with the other parents and it’s short notice to take Work off early anyway. My sister is out of town and my other sister doesn’t have a car and I’ve got no friends close to this area of town. My parents aren’t close enough for it to be reasonable, but that’s my next best option.

He asked about Uber and I replied, “sure, I’m sure my dumping 3 teenage girls in a car with a complete stranger is going to go over really well… no!”.

This morning I requested he ask his girlfriend to help. She’s lived with him un officially for a while now and officially for the past several months. I think it’s not a stretch to ask. I forced his hand on it and she said yes, so now it’s all worked out. I’m still left feeling a little “WTF” though. Seriously.

There is so much more I could rant about, but perhaps that’s enough for now. I gotta turn down that flame so I can get to more important things, like how I almost died in a dream. It left me with icy chills. ❄️ I say “Almost” because when it happened, I woke up instantly!!

This was the night before last but you don’t experience something like that and forget it easily. I was with a few people at an event and the only one I remember was my step sister, Julie. We were looking up watching some event on tvs. There were multiple side by side screens like they have at the gym or at a sports bar mounted above where we were standing.

The screen on the right was showing some party outdoors with mountains covered in snow on the background. I had interest in this because I had family there too, or so I felt in my dream. It was too small to know for certain but I just felt it.

The scene didn’t last long. All at once you could see in the distance on the TV that there was an avalanche of snow coming down the mountain. At first it was small, and then in an instant it became massive and a spit second later, it overtook that party and I barely had time to consider the fact that my family was all crushed under that snow before a giant white mass came down upon us and where we were. Another instant later I woke with the fear of death in me. I was at that event and buried under an avalanche of snow and debris. I was terrified and it truly took me a few seconds to recognize it was a dream and I was fine. I didn’t really go back to sleep after that.

Like I said, that was yesterday but it’s still lingering in my brain. It happened so fast and what I just described is all I remember. I wonder what that could all mean?

No matter, time to get back to reality now and the party happening in a few hours here in Sunny Nebraska where there are no snow filled mountains! 😉

Flame 🔥 Off,

~Miss SugarCookie