I’m stuck in a place where I feel like I can’t move on. I can’t sit still, yet I can’t move. It’s maddening.
I’ve got this logical brain, right? (it’s rhetorical but the answer is yes). Sometimes I see life like a flowchart on a piece of paper. You’re on a path and each time you come to a rectangle, you just do what it says. When you come to a diamond in the road, it has one simple question associated which has a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer. The question has to be simple. It’s already been broken down into the lowest denominator. You just have to decide. If it’s “Yes” then you keep going straight. If it’s “No” then you have to take a left. Then you move on and do what the next rectangle says.
You continue along the path like this. Each time you happen upon a diamond, you stop, decide, and move on in the appropriate direction. Eventually, you will get where you are meant to go. That’s logical.
Yet here I am at this fucked up shape. What is it.. a trapezoid? It’s not a decision. It’s not an action. Is it a process that needs to happen? Am I waiting for more inputs? Who’s the data entry person? How long do I wait? If I don’t get what I need am I supposed to skip this step? Is there some threshold or overflow condition that can get me off this step? I’m confused and it just doesn’t make sense. It’s not logical.
I told my friend at dinner I need to have a conversation with Matt and he told me I don’t. I told him I think I need some closure and he said I don’t. He said I can choose to just let it go and move on. And then he asked me, “do you want to move on?”.
This question kind of blew my mind a little bit. It was so simple.
Then I started thinking.. Can this be right? Is this really a diamond? Have my eyes been so blurry from all the tears that I thought what I was dealing with was was a trapezoid when all along it was a diamond? I’m trying to focus on it now… I’m trying hard to see it…and it IS a diamond.
And the answer is “Yes”. It’s a simple, glorious, undeniable “YES”. So now I can move again. I get to keep going straight and do whatever comes next. It’s feels like such a relief.
Now.. I sure as hell hope I don’t run into any real trapezoids. That would be seriously rotten.