2021-09-29 An Epic Rant from a Terrible Daughter…

You know that saying?.. How does it go?..  “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

It’s something like that. 

Well… fuck that saying. There is absolutely nothing good I have to say about this situation with my mother but I’m done being the good daughter. At least here in my own private Universe that’s completely open for the entire Universe to read/translate/interpret and judge. I don’t care. 

She’s stepping on my last nerve and what can I do because she’s the cancer patient who just had major surgery. Anything I say and do that’s not good-daughterly will be perceived poorly. I’ll be marked as a horrible human being for life. 

The truth is I’m just tired because I didn’t sleep well and had bad dreams. She’s called me and texted and texted and called. I know I threw myself into work today and tried to ignore my own irritation. Eventually I made my way to the hospital, timing it so that I’d only be able to stay an hour. 

I know. I need examples to back me up. Ok. 

She literally called me because she was done with her breakfast and the nurse call button had fallen out of her reach and she wanted the number to call the unit to get someone to come to her aid. 

To do what? Take her tray away? To fluff her pillow? To move her chapstick a little closer? Put the water jug out of view because she hates drinking water and seeing it is making her upset? 

Not kidding. 

It must be tough being seriously OCD and having everything outside your control. Let me tell you it’s also difficult being on the receiving end of all that neediness. 

Ok. Maybe she really needed something. Pain meds maybe. But yesterday she complained they were pushing too many meds into her and she was confident that all that was keeping her from feeling better. 

She’s called a second time because the hospital kitchen doesn’t have the “pink” packets of sweetener. She absolutely can’t drink tea without that. And nothing else tastes right and she doesn’t want to put my sister out of her way to run by the house or go to the grocery. 

So why is she calling ME? It’s ok to put me out? 

All I wanted to do this afternoon was take a nap so I could be fresh for a little quality time with my husband tonight. But that didn’t happen. Because she called again, just as I was drifting off. This time it was to let me know she was being discharged tomorrow. Way ahead of schedule, might I add. 

It’s great news she’s doing well enough to go home so soon but at that moment all I could think was “there goes my Thursday.” I’m a terrible person. 

I made sure she knew I was trying to nap. 

I followed that by texting minutes later that she should think about a grocery list so we could have the things at the house she wanted when she gets home.

In the weeks and days leading up to the surgery she knew she would not be home for a while so she used up or threw out anything that would go bad. In her own words there is nothing left she would want when she gets home. So I’m just trying to be proactive. 

She texts she needs a bag of ice, milk, and New York style vanilla ice cream specifically from Family Fare. That’s it. 

That’s it?? 

No.. that’s not it. I remember this rodeo. Every time someone shows up at her house she’ll act like she’ll die if she doesn’t get what she’s craving. This results in another trip to the grocery every day (or Panera or Taco John’s, or Qdoba, or McCallister’s deli). 

She’ll remember the rodeo too and the bar has already been set. I swear I’m not going to the grocery store unless I get a full list to stock her refrigerator and pantry. 🙄

***

My sister just texted me about the artificial sugar drama and said she’s also “not ready for this.” 

I know it’s expensive in the hospital but couldn’t they keep her for a few more days like they promised. 🤣

Aaaaannnnyway…

That’s probably enough of a rant for one day.

Peace, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-10 What’s New for Little Miss S?

What a doozie?! What’s up? What’s down? What repeats and goes round and round?… 

“Little Miss S in a mini-dress”

What can I say? I’m a hot mess this week. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Monday was a holiday and I was already so done with “taking care” of the household I just wanted to be left alone. So when Tuesday arrived and everyone else had to go back to work and school I felt relief but was already a day behind on my work week and that caused me to be super grumpy. 

Litter boxes, laundry, dishes, cats, cleaning, cooking, groceries, trash. And a few “honey could you please” requests from my darling husband on his way out the door. 

All needing to be done by 2pm so I could make it to yet another doctors appointment. Another new doctor, for yet another professional assessment of what the hell is wrong with me. 

The symptoms? Afternoon fatigue (bordering on sheer exhaustion), brain fog, lack of motivation, low libido, waves of sadness, unexpected spikes of anger. What’s new? None of that but in the past few weeks a new physical symptom has been added to the list. 

My right hand and fingers go numb and tingly for no apparent reason. Or at least it seems like no reason. It happens and then I move about a little bit and shake it out until it goes away. Quite literally thinking of T-Swift’s song “Shake it off” right now. 

I deal with this new development lightly on my own for about a week and then consult the doc. My doc. His quick assessment is that I’ve got compressed discs C6 and C7 is what I think he said. He shows me a diagram about how the nerves in your hand are connected to the spine and when those discs are “pinched” it’s just like cutting off the circulation. 

This makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes it goes all the way to my pinky finger and I think that’s C8, but mostly it’s my thumb and palm and first two fingers. And also predominantly my right hand.

He’s quick to this assessment because he also has compressed discs which he’s told me for years will eventually require surgery. Surgery of the spine? No thanks!! 

Right now he treats his own issues with traction. It’s an apparatus hanging in the bathroom on the closet door and it’s self administered. He urges me to try it and shows me how.

It operates with a weight and pulley system. The weight is a bag of water you can adjust easily and that’s connected by a wire to some straps you fit around your noggin to pull you head up when you let go of the safety bar. The idea is pulling apart the spine gently thereby releasing the pressure caused by compression. 

Five minutes, once a day and it should help. Unless you are me and you don’t hear the part about five minutes and you start with too much water in the bag. I didn’t feel it right away, but it totally fucked my neck up in one shot. 

That was Monday or Tuesday and so by Wednesday I was in serious pain and could hardly move my head around at all. Especially side to side. Then Wednesday night it got so bad it messed with my sleep and I hardly slept at all. This resulted in Thursday (yesterday) being an absolute shit show.

After scrambling at the beginning of the week trying to get caught up on chores, I had naturally pushed some meet-ups and to-do items down the line and all this culminated in the perfect storm of misery. I literally could not make it to 9am before I started panicking and cancelling and self administered pep-talks about how it was going to be ok. 

The first casualty was my dad who I have been trying to visit on Thursdays on a regular basis. I pushed that to the weekend. Then it was J who I promised to play pickleball with but have been putting off for several weeks now, and then finally… when I realized I needed sleep and would not be able to make it through the evening without a nap, I dipped on my friend M, who I was going to take tomatoes and salsa. 

Now I’m on a steroid for my pain and my hand and, like I said, waiting for my next follow up doctor’s appointment to get the results of the labs taken on Tuesday. Hopefully there’s a clue there. But I honestly doubt it. I’ve had all these labs, thyroid, hormones, cmp, etc done before (about a year ago) and it was all normal. 

I might try to log into the patient portal of that last office to get those labs so I can see how these compare. Modern medicine… good grief! 

I’ve got other stories to tell. Lots more on my mind suddenly but the day is waiting and all the nonsense this week has caused me to be dreadfully far behind. 

Stay Frosty My Friends! 

~Little Miss SugarCookie in a Mini-Dress

PS. I’m not at all like the little Miss S in that New Bohemian’s song. The lyric just works cuz I love mini-dresses. 🤷‍♀️

2021-09-05 Working through Control Issues

This morning I’m thinking about control. I’m thinking about how to truly let go of something I have no control over and more than that questioning why I let something I know is out of my control dig at my insides. 

My day yesterday was consumed with taking a car in for an audio upgrade, getting a bike for my daughter to use on campus from Craig’s list, and catching up on different house projects. The goal for me is always about balance and all that had to be over and done with by 4:30 ish so Jim and I could get ready for our double date. 

We planned a morning bike ride and that did not happen because Of timing and the bike search. I wanted to get some steps in the afternoon and that did not happen because my time was hijacked by the realization that a group of folks from my MFA program have just launched their own lit mag. This, folks, is the thing that set my anxiety off, for whatever reason, and then all of a sudden I felt threatened and insecure about my own endeavors. 

Yes, I realize my insecurity and anxiety were not rational, but it took root anyhow and pretty soon I could not stop thinking about all the things “we” at the GLR could be doing better. Everything we have not been able to do and all the things I’ve personally been procrastinating. I worry that people on our staff will decide to leave us and join their team instead. I worry about other things too, but I know it’s irrational and don’t even want to acknowledge these worries. 

Instead, I want to be a better person and let go of that which I can’t control. I know there are literally hundreds of online lit mags and hundreds of publishers operating out in the wide world today and one more doesn’t affect us. I want to congratulate those people I know who are finally realizing a dream they’ve had even before the GLR was a seed planted in our heads. I want to embrace this circumstance as positive because it means more success for people from our MFA program. It’s win-win and that’s the way I want to view it. 

Still, it takes me a while to sort through my feelings and the information is so new. And.. get this… since they just opened for submissions (unpaid) I happened to have already sent in a poem. 

This shows how little I’m paying attention to the places I’m submitting. I read their mission and vision but did not visit the masthead. If I had, I probably would not have sent something in since there is too much IRL connection. Or maybe that’s ok and I’m just overthinking it. I’m not sure. 

In any case, I felt compelled to reach out to each person individually and congratulate them on their launch. It takes me a while to compose exactly what I want to say and so that consumed some of my time in the afternoon. However, after that was done, I did feel better about all of it. It was good. 

I was able to enjoy my sushi double date with some new friends and, getting back home by 9, get to enjoy and early evening bedtime. Yes it was Saturday and I’m old and lame but I don’t care. I was spent. 

Here’s the rub.. I had rotten dreams all night, restless sleep, and woke up feeling anxious again. Good gravy!! What in the Universe am I supposed to do now?! 

I know it’s not all about that one thing. I’ve got a host of feelings about different things eating at me. Angst about my relationships with my parents, a new experiment my husband has asked me to partake in regarding the news, and strangely enough, the drop-deadline for materials for my book. I need (need need need) to get those things submitted and ASAP.

What I feel like I need is one or two days in isolation to get on top of all of the things that are under my control. I just want several hours of uninterrupted time. Not 30 minutes to scramble and do something half-ass. Ugh!! 

Today. unfortunately is not going to be a day for that. Today my focus is spending time with the family and then going to Lincoln to spend some time with my darling daughter and bring her some things she needs to be successful this semester (including that bike we picked up yesterday). 

That all starts now. And my treadmill time is done. 

With peace and love and rainbow rolls, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-25 What’s In the News… 🗞

Happy mask mandate expiry day! It’s been a while since I’ve walked/written/had time to think about the world at large. Life is that way sometimes I guess. 

The last time I checked in I was pouring over my stabilizing good mood and trying to decide what, exactly, it was that made the tide turn in my favor. I’m happy to report that my happy has continued to be consistent and I’m still waking up most days looking forward to the day. 

I’ve continued to not over-commit myself and have not volunteered to do anymore talks or workshops. I’m minimizing meet-ups and really digging in for quality time with those I have had. 

Last Friday I had a 4 hour happy hour session with my friend M and that was fabulous. This week I have two or three meetups mixed in with my deep dive into reading for the GLR contest (which I’m very behind on for nonfiction). It’s my priority this week and I have a LOT to read! 

I’ve finished a first pass at poetry and also scripts and am ready to discuss with other editors. The only category I’m not reading is fiction. It’s just too much. 

Anyhow, that’s what’s on the agenda today after this much needed walk. I’ve tried to get back into the cardio thing but finding it hard to get motivated. I think part of that is that something in me is still recovering from that stomach virus I had last week. Was that just last week? It’s already blurry (my memory). 

In any case, my stomach is still off and my energy is low. But.. the low energy thing has been chronic so I can hardly blame that virus. It may still be a contributing factor though. 

Good gravy!… I haven’t written for days and THIS is still all I have?!?! I guess that’s a good thing as no news is good news. Right?!!

What about the world at large??

Locally, our mask mandate expired today and I’m very curious how businesses around town will react. Since the mask thing became so political, it will be a statement when the business owners either continue to require masks or not. I think most locally owned places will quickly and happily remove the signs from their doors whereas many major chains such as wal-mart or Costco might continue to expect customers to comply with the company policy. 

Not that it will stop ass-hats from refusing to comply. Those folks will do what they want no matter what someone else says. I saw a lady rudely refuse to put on a mask going into a Walmart grocery last week. I wanted to follow her into the store and give her a piece of my mind. Why is it some people think the rules don’t apply to them?! Cwazy! 

Nationally? I heard a statistic that the last few months has been the worst in history for “personal” shootings and gun violence. Has this become so common place that each incident isn’t even enough to make the daily news? Or am I so desensitized that I don’t hear it? And how much do “we” have to endure before new laws can be passed. Then again, my position in this has not changed. 

No law can undo what’s already been done. And I’m not talking about the past shootings, I’m talking about the sale of semi-automatic weapons or lack of background checks attached to gun sales. No.. if you’re a criminal or have mental health problems, homicidal tendencies, or anger issues, you probably already have the guns you want. 

Rights to bear arms means you can have a gun, it shouldn’t mean you can have one that can kill dozens of people with one pass through a crowded room. That’s my stance and that has not changed. 

Today is the anniversary of George Floyd’s death and while the fire of that still burns in the heart of many Americans, America as a whole is now doing what it does best… sweep history into the archives without doing anything to change things for the better. What will happen to the BLM movement? It will smolder until another event sparks the flame anew. And round and round we go, decade after decade. 

The global news feels very much the same (as in, hot topics coming and going as fast as people change their underwear). Not a squeak about Gaza or the Middle East; not an ounce about the Coronavirus, except that America is urging folks not to travel to Japan for the Olympics as Japan is way behind on vaccinations. The summer olympics? Is that still happening? Who the hell would want to go to that anyway on the heels of a global pandemic?! Good gravy!!

OK folks, that is probably enough for today. I’ve got to get on the productivity train. 

Peace, Love, and BBQ Lays,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-05-03 Thinking About What’s Got Me Down is Like Having Bronchitis

It may not be the same for everyone, but the struggle is real. It’s a popular saying for a reason. 

I’m constantly having internal conversations with myself that I can’t seem to quit having. There’s no resolution that I can see or feel and it puts my brain on spin cycle and it’s wearing me down. Like a rock in a rock tumblr. 

In a way I wish I could just turn it off. But there’s no off button for that except the ultimate off button and I’m not ready for that. I’m thinking of a Cake song.. “End of the Movie”. 

***

People you love

Will turn their backs on you

You’ll lose your hair

Your teeth

Your knife will fall out of its sheath

But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

People you hate will get their hooks into you

They’ll pull you down

You’ll frown

They’ll tar you and drag you through town

But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

No, you still don’t like to leave before the end of the show

People you hate will get their hooks into you

They’ll pull you down

You’ll frown

They’ll tar you and drag you through town

But you still don’t like to leave before the end of the movie

No, you still don’t like to leave before the end of the show

***

I recognize I’m responsible for my own happiness, and my own sorrow but I don’t know how to handle myself. I’ve been self medicating with certain indulgences—eating and drinking mostly. These temporarily soothe but once the moment has passed, I’m left with regret and deciding to “start new tomorrow,” with a cleaner way of living. 

I don’t find joy in the the things I like to do or in trying new things. My tried and true go-to set list is not working. Music, exercise, planning future activities, gardening. Typically writing all about how I’m feeling, here and now, from my beloved treadmill would improve my mood or at least help me get to the point where something makes sense. 

When do I write the lines that spark the lightbulb above my head and I get the answers I’m searching for? I guess not yet. 

Repeating lines inside my head:

  • It’s just a funk and I’ll snap out of it naturally. 
  • It’s just hormones and I’ll snap out of it naturally. 
  • Tomorrow will be different. 
  • If I get better sleep I’ll feel better. 
  • I should cut out alcohol.
  • Remember last year at this time when I was working full time and miserable and had a problem taking lorazepam and was feeling really horrible? Life is way better now so what gives? 
  • I’m being too hard on myself. 
  • I’m not doing enough with my life. 
  • I’m a failure parenting my kids. 
  • I’m a bad wife. 
  • I just want to lose 10 pounds. 
  • I’m struggling with my dependence on another person. 
  • Why can’t I just enjoy my life? 
  • I’ve got everything I ever wanted.. why aren’t I happy? 
  • I should talk to my husband about how I’m feeling. But he’s got more important things to attend to. 
  • Who else can I talk to? Maybe I need a counselor or therapist. 
  • What should I do now?

I wrote a poem last week, the first I’ve written in a while. I had to go to an accountant to sign my taxes. Maybe my problem today (and all damn weekend) has to do with a tangentially related happenstance. Probably. Everything is related. Here’s a link to the poem: https://shyspark.com/2021/04/30/before-i-sign-my-2020-taxes/

I have a ton of stuff to get done today and can’t simmer on any of this anymore. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

Until tomorrow,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-04-17 On the Eve of the Next Big Adventure

If I had to pick a theme for my life lately it would be “Practicing the Art of Letting Go.” So many things have slid off my radar and the biggest thing I feel like I’ve let go of is worrying about all of it. In that sense, it’s been quite positive. 

It’s definitely not like me. I typically check my steps several time a day and tend to scramble at 8pm if I’m close to my goal and check my sleep first thing when I wake up and check my cardio duration at the end of a workout. But not lately. Lately I’m not checking like I normally would.

I also typically spend a lot of time focusing on my eating and drinking habits and general productivity. It’s just how I move about the world, with the goal of living a healthier life. It’s part of what this blog is about—the daily musings of a girl who is just trying to figure it all out.

But even this blog has been neglected lately. Neglected is such a negative word and that’s the wrong way to frame this post. I’m actually reflecting on the phenomenon of my “letting go” lately and thinking very positively about it. 

It’s one thing to check in on ones self to make sure good choices are being made. It’s another altogether to take it to a level akin to obsession. Now I’m not saying I’m necessarily obsessed with my “stats” but I have been known to run around the house at 9pm to hit my step goal.

I’m not sure what has changed lately to cause me to care a little less about stats and productivity and meeting certain expectations, but whatever it is, it’s been a breath of fresh air. 

Perhaps it’s the arrival of spring or maybe that I’ve been getting better sleep and don’t feel as exhausted all the time. Perhaps it’s the choke hold of Covid being loosened or finally accepting my new role as full time household engineer. Perhaps it’s pondering my moms new diagnosis (stage 3C ovarian cancer) and realizing that life is too short to worry all damn day about what you are doing or not doing or eating or not eating.

Maybe it’s the combination of all of this, but whatever it is, I’ll take it. New Burdens have been placed upon me this year and others have been lifted. Lately I’m just rolling with the punches and not worried about “success” so much. It’s a great feeling. 

I’m being kind to myself, and forgiving. And I’m not putting guilt on myself like I normally would when I have not met my own expectations. It’s glorious. 

And today?? Today my focus is shifting into vacation mode. Today I’m packing and gathering all the plans I’ve compiled for the coming week into an organized document to share with my love as we skip town. 

Tomorrow I’m getting on an airplane for the first time since my honeymoon which was just before Covid lockdowns began in early 2020. Tomorrow I’m taking “letting go” to the next level and that, too, is glorious.

So the next post, if there’s time, will be posted from a yet undisclosed location somewhere in the United States. It could be anywhere folks… and you’ll have to check back to find out where. 😉

On that note, my time is up today and I’ve got to get packing. 

Cheers to letting go, loving yourself, and embracing the next adventure one moment at a time,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-30 Woe is the Melancholy Way

Today is the first day in 3 weeks I haven’t had to either go to the ER, the hospital, or my moms house. My sister is driving from Denver as I type this and I feel a weight lifting. 

Last night everyone at my house was otherwise occupied doing their own thing and I took the opportunity to drive out to Flannigan Lake to watch the sunset alone. No talking, walking, music, or writing. Just me and the sounds of nature as the sun slid behind the hill on the opposite side of the lake. 

The sunset was entirely unremarkable, but the moment was still emotional. It could have been a hormone surge or the release after holding my breath for three damn weeks or just a general sadness listening to the prairie birds’ song light up like a signal fire, one after the other, all around me. 

Their coded message traveled from across the lake through the grass field I was sitting criss-cross-applesauce on to the unplowed soybean and corn fields to the north. A trill tale that ended with the start of a response elsewhere. 

I watched one land on a tall reed shooting out of the lake. The reed swayed with the weight of the bird as it gripped the vertical stem. The silhouette of the scene stark with the setting sun behind it. At that moment I thought I should write a poem about it. 

One second later I thought myself out of the idea. Who cares anyway. What’s the point. It’s all just meaningless. That might be what made me want to cry. 

Later that night I had a talk with Jim. I didn’t mention the birds or have the sky looked after the sun had set or the meaningless feelings but I did tell him I felt sad and couldn’t explain why. He just said he understood, and that it made sense to him. 

I’m glad it makes sense to someone. 

I’m not sure where the last 90 minutes have gone. I’ve barely written anything and haven’t yet achieved my daily step goal. But it’s past 10am and I’ve got lots to catch up on so this is gonna be it today. 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-26 Dealing With Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde

I’ve been awake since before 3am. What time I don’t know because I’ve been told looking at the clock is waking up my brain. Ok. So the first time I looked at the clock was about 3:15am. It’s not the light of the clock waking up my brain. I’m pretty sure my brain does that all on its own.

I had a slight headache and think it might be the alcohol consumption from last night. That could have something to do with the not sleeping well. It’s not rocket science, but what came first? The drinking or the poor sleep? No matter.. these are not the thoughts that consume me at 3 and 4 and 5am. Nope.

What is it then? I had a brief conversation with Jim last night where I was lamenting about my thoughts always being consumed with something. In my margarita’d state I described a pac man that was chomping furiously through my mind perpetually consuming my thoughts. I’ve got a limited amount of dots, you know, on the screen everyday and the pac man is always navigating the map of my brain, searching and chomping.. rounding corner after corner, chomping and searching, and eventually all the thoughts have been eaten and the day ends.

What about the ghosts?? 

Yes.. Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde are there. They are there to drive the pac man’s decisions on which way to chomp next. 

Fun fact: Each of the four ghosts in the game has both Japanese and English names. In Japan they started as Fickle, Chaser, Ambusher and Stupid. In my case these alternate names seem more appropriate. Their current personas are defined further as follows… 

Fickle: Always something I can’t decide and am continuously analyzing and weighing options in. Currently this is the question of what to do about my title with the GLR? GLR stands for the Good Life Review and is the online lit mag I founded last year and am currently trying to keep afloat and moving in the right direction. When we first determined the masthead, I gladly accepted the title of “managing editor” and let Ed take the EIC title, but over time this had started to grate on me in ways I could not have predicted. My issues have do with perception, the division of responsibilities-who is doing the work, and traditional patriarchal roles, and also frankly the way Ed throws the title around as if it gives him more authority. Great guy, but I don’t care for that. 

The fickle thoughts I have gravitate between removing the titles completely, and all manner of variation in between. I can’t tell you how much brain power I’ve wasted on thinking about this. That alone drives me kind of batty. We’re still in our first year and have such a small fooorprint or following that it matters not. But it matters to me apparently. 🙄 

Chaser: The endless quest to lose 5 pounds and look better. This is often disguised as attempts to eat healthier or exercise more or detox. It’s an endless chase that never leads to success. Always failure. Always disappointment. And then forgiveness and then beginning again. 

Ambusher: This is the random thing on fire that seems to pop up out of nowhere to hijack my plans. It might be a sink that won’t drain, a car that won’t start, a kid with an F in English, or a show that demands to be binge-watched. They appear randomly and with varying degrees of severity. Whatever it is, it drives pac man in a different direction. 

Right now it’s a one-two-three combo of my sons school performance and feeling like I’m not pulling my weight here at the house PLUS my pending book contract. All will require a lot of effort to resolve or get through and any effort spent may not result in a solution. 

Stupid: Stupid is just stupid. 

No matter what I do, the pac man goes the way he goes. The ghosts pursue. The dots on the map get eaten and the sun goes down. The sun comes back up, there’s a fresh map full of new dots, and it starts again. 

Sometimes, like today, I get a new map before the sun comes up. There I am, lying in the dark and the pac man appears and immediately starts chomping. 

This morning it was the GLR stuff. Not just the title, but also the next release, the social media issues, the website that I’ve failed to update all month, the contest, the promo effort (or lack thereof), the lawyer and nonprofit establishment. All the dots. All the dots. All the dots.

At 4:30am I worked in the GLR website and updated the home page, the masthead, and the sound bites page. I’m going to try EIC on for size and see if that makes me feel any better. Cuz.. you know it’s all about how I feel. 🙄😜

Other than that I was thinking about my lack of sleep and not sleeping because I’m thinking about not sleeping and well… that’s just stupid. Thanks Stupid. 

There you have it folks. My Friday morning in a nutshell.

Cheers to the Weekend,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-24 Some Days Just Need to Be Forgotten

Yesterday was a doozie. I’m not sure what exactly what it was besides a series of random, unrelated events but it was a miracle nobody was murdered. Scratch that. I know exactly what it was that started it.. the incident with the trash cans. After that, there’s not a thing that could happen to fix the mood for the rest of the day. But there were several things that made it worse.

Said incident made me sooooooo angry, I really wanted to punch something. And that’s not like me. I might get emotional and sad and cry sometimes but I rarely get that angry and almost never angry enough to want to scream and throw things.

Talk about raw, honest and organic… what I’m about to write will not seem like that big of a deal, but that’s what makes it a big deal in my mind. There’s absolutely no reason I should have gotten as mad as I was. And not having time to work it out all damn day did not help. Everything else was just fuel for the fire. 

Here’s the short version of what happened that started it all… about 8:30am I’m doing chores and opening mail and realize the paper recycling is full so decide to swap out the grocery bag for a new one and put the full one in the big recycling bin in the garage. What I quickly discovered is that the bin was FULL. It should have been empty since they picked our recycling up last week (which they only do every other week). 

I’m in charge of the recycling and trash so nobody puts things in the big bins but me (strictly forbidden as I can’t stand when people carelessly put stuff in without rinsing clean or whatever and bins get sticky and gross). Instead, the recycling goes in the old short green and blue bins elsewhere. So finding the bin full was a shock.

But it was obvious to me it was because the recycling was not picked up last week. The items I had on top were still the same ones. I took the bin out to the curb myself.. which means that when Jim wheeled it back to the garage he didn’t look inside to see the recycling truck had not been down our street yet. What the hell??!!

The recycling is a mess at our house as it is. We always have too much than what will fit in the container every two weeks and that’s resulted in me breaking down the cardboard and driving it to another drop point. Now we have this full bin, and enough recycling to fill a second one and running out of places to put it. 

Goodness knows the recycling is a trigger point for me already because nobody cares but me. Despite repeated requests for members of this household to comply with some simple rules, it’s still a problem. I’ve got several bags of combined trash and recycling that needs sorting and the thought of going through the efffing sticky trash irritates me to no end.

Now this. This just pushed me over the edge. I went mental. I screamed out loud and stomped my feet like a three year old having a tantrum. It was absurd. 

I mean this is small potato’s people. Like have I become so spoiled that these small things need to be a big deal?? No. 

Well.. stuff kept happening all day and I never could pull myself away from that angry feeling. I literally carried it all the way to bed with me last night. And unfortunately took it out on Jim a little. It was a strange night and then I ended up moving to the spare bedroom In the middle of the night because of the snoring. 

I never really got good sleep and you know what? The sun came up and night turned into day anyway and I’m writing this thinking “what is there to complain about?” 

Nada. That’s what. 

So what if I have to make some more trips to an alternate recycling location. It’s not the end of the world. Good grief!! 

This is what I don’t get about life. Why is it one day something is such a damn big deal and the next it’s like ‘shrug’? 

One day I’m grumpy and the next it’s all good again. And I can’t even blame PMS this time. 

Anyway.. today everything seems fine and manageable again AND I can eat whatever I want. A friend of mine reminded me yesterday that my life is great right now. As if I should need a reminder. I should not, but there it was anyhow. Thanks Vis!

As for the rest of this day, I’m gonna do my best to keep the positive mood I have going into the afternoon and evening. I’ve got loads of lit mag stuff to take care of plus some planning for a future adventure. Planning almost always makes me happy, so that’s good. 

As for living in 2006.. it’s going about the same as the last two days and I can’t say I’ve got more to say about than that. Maybe I’ll have more as the week goes on but I’m still just feeling out what’s good and what’s really tough. 

I think that’s it for today. Time to get on that GLR train…. 

Peace and Love and Recycling, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-17 Reminiscing With My Daughter About My Daughter

Day 2 waking up with cringe-worthy cramps. But.. I’m not going to let it keep me down today. I can do better.

I have a little time to collect my thoughts and get my act together. Yesterday I may have “let go” and tried not to let my mood control the day. I may not have been a complete success but it wasn’t too bad either. 

I spent a lot of time with my daughter and though we didn’t find what we were after, we had some great talks and she asked me about topics we’ve never discussed before which gave me the opportunity to tell a few stories. Chief among them was the story about my decision to have her and the journey I went on to make that happen. It’s one of my favorite stories to tell. Then of course she wanted to know about her brother which is a good one too.

After that, and running around town in a mask I was done for. We ended up at Target and I just hit a wall. We still needed to go to office max so she could look for packaging supplies, but went home after that. Much of what we were after are items for her new business. I’m impressed by her focus and determination when she has her mind set on something. And I want to encourage that spirit, so I’m being as supportive as I can. 

What started our conversation was just that. She’s 18, almost 19 and heading into semester #2 of her freshman year at college. I think about this sometimes. How when i was her age, I had just met her dad and also working through a 2 year program at community college. I talked about how farther along she is with knowing herself and what she wants from life. At her age I was clueless. 

Getting engaged, married, and moving to Vegas we’re not on any life plan. I had no life plan. I was just cruising, you know, doing the next thing. I have regrets for all that aimless wandering, but I don’t regret getting married. I was in love and it got me away from my family which is what I desperately needed. Of course that led to having two beautiful babies. Would not change that for the world. 

That’s how the stories began yesterday, with the events that led to her dad and I becoming more serious instead of just hanging out as friends. And then to the circumstances that brought her and her brother into my life.

All that reminiscing might have contributed to my exhaustion. I also haven’t been out much lately and was really shocked to see all the people everywhere. It’s as if there’s no pandemic and thousands of people aren’t dying every day. I think deep down I was kind of sickened by it and also that I was among them. After a few hours I was ready to go back into my hiding place. 

And so we did. 

We watched movies and ate leftovers and I was, you guessed it, in bed by 10. 

It’s Sunday today and I’m ready for the weekend to be over and get back to business. Ready to let go of letting go and start kicking ass again. The best part of Sunday is making my to-do list for the coming week. So much hope, and promise, and so much to accomplish. It’s the push and pull of thinking and not doing that causes me grief. 

Once I actually just start “doing” I feel better. That might be why last week I felt so good. I was making progress on several endeavors and that feels good. Tomorrow I’ll be back on that train and I’m ready. 

I think that’s it today. Cutting short again to get started with my day. 

Ready, Steady, Let’s Go, 

~Miss SugarCookie