2018-05-18 My Dreams are Stirring Up Some Shit

This morning I woke up at the tail end of a bad dream that was most certainly my brain trying to puzzle out something it’s grappled with a time or two in the past and potentially still struggling with. I have an inner desire to please People and do a good job and I think that’s ok, maybe even a great quality, but what it requires is a certain amount of external acknowledgement that’s not always given.

In my dream, I was having a perform e review and instead of being conducted by my boss, it was being administered by a PM at my last company… good ole Steve-O. He was relaying some pretty bad news. I’d been graded at a D. First off, that’s not how we were actually rated. Our marks were based on a flawed 4 point scale which was flawed because under the present dictator, a 4 was unobtainable. Before he took over, I regularly scored 4s in most categories and my composit score was about 3.75. The last couple years, though, under his rule my composit hovered right around 3. This was despite working harder than I ever had and pouring the amount of blood, sweat, and tears into each week that breaks a person. Yeah, there’s no denying that my situation there was a contributing factor to my overall declining health. But I digress.

Returning to the dream, I was arguing my case. I was asking for a second review by objective persons. I knew the numbers were skewed by my relationship with the president of the company. Now I knew Steve knew this to be true, but he wasn’t allowed to go against the Man.

I said that I always put 110% of myself into what was asked and challenged him to go do a survey of all my customers to see what marks they would give me. I could see in his eyes he knew I was right, and agreed to do that. This is the point in the dream where I woke up. I was upset.

I got up and wandered to the bathroom. I thought about why I might have that dream now. I’m coming up on the anniversary of the day I quit that job last year. I know I’m not happy about my final performance review there. They did downgrade me in several areas and I’m convinced it’s because 1.) They did not want to Give me a decent raise and 2). They were trying to push me out the door.

Shit went down there late the year before with another employee and I was periferally involved because he was on my team. I was vocal about the President of the company behind the closed doors of HR but I have no doubt my statement was made available to the entire executive team. I was probably tagged as a liability. /shrug

Anyway, I know I always did the best I could so I’m looking for other reasons for this dream now. I don’t get much recognition from my current gig. The team gets a lot of props for hitting milestones and being awesome, but not a lot individually. I think I’m the kind of person that needs that individual validation. It is what it is.

I’ve also been kind of wondering lately if they think I’m doing a good job. It’s not the kind of gig that does employee performance evaluations or 1 on 1s with the “boss”. I might just ask him. Sometime soon perhaps.

Here’s the other late breaking news, which may or may not play into inspiration for my dream… yesterday I saw my elderly neighbor across the street struggling to push an old non-motorized mower through her 12+ inch grass and weeds. JS has one of these mowers and I know it’s tough to use if the grass gets too long. This looked damn near impossible, especially for her. She can barely walk. My heart hurt watching her. I offered to help.

I walked across the street and told her I’d mow after I was done working at 2, which I did. It took me an hour to do the front and side yards which were a bitch. Still, it was gratifying to look back as I walked away to see the job done. After that I saw her back out working on spots that popped up again after I was done. When it gets that long, the mower pushes the grass down flat and sometimes the blade goes right over the top and doesn’t make a cut.

I went back over and told her we could come cut it again this weekend to take care of that and my son might be interested in a regular paid gig. She seemed interested. But here’s the rub.. she didn’t even say thank you. When I came out the first time she broke down crying and saying she didn’t know what she was going to do. “No family in town and her husband is ill”.

Once the deed was done she didn’t even seem grateful. She was only interested in getting more help. I told her I’d bring my kids over and we’d chat more about it. Later I did that and she showed me and C the back yard which was a total wreck. A person could not even mow back there until all the debris was picked up. I wanted to grab C and run away and not look back.

All that may or may not play into my bad dream but it seems likely. Doing work, not being recognized for it (or thanked), and then having someone just want more. /shrug /shrug

So this is how smart, logical people approach the current situation with the neighbor… we write out an estimate so she has a paper to reference what the offer is and we include a price for first time yard prep. We crank it up just a touch so that it’s worth our while and perhaps that will give her pause and cause her to seek other estimates.

I’m also going to say it’s X amount for the re-mow this weekend and that will be a good test to see if she’s actually going to pay. If she doesn’t, then we know the deal is sour. I can feel good about yesterday’s good deed and have a clear conscience if that’s all we ever do.

Yesterday I said I was immune to the shit that happens in life, so now I have to live my word and not just type /shrug, but really mean it. “I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.” 😜

On that note.. I’ve got lots to do on this fantastic Friday. Time to jet!

/Shrugging it all off,

~Miss SugarCookie