2022-01-10 Another Year in the Rearview

And what a year it was! Am I right??!! 

Sometimes when I’m on vacation and I have extra time, I elect to write about how it’s going. If I have a lot of extra time, there are pictures. That’s lovely to revisit later, but who has that kind of time? 

I’m usually more about the future than the past and once a vacation or event is over, if I haven’t written about it, it fades into the abyss of collective human existence. 

It used to bother me if something noteworthy went undocumented, like a road trip, barcamp experience, or all those years from 1994 to 2008. Poof.. gone! Oh the regret. 

In more recent times, however, I’ve gotten better at letting it go. I’ve been coaching myself to not get so bent about missing what I cherish as a perfect reason to write. The lack of time helps.. if I don’t have it, there’s little I can do about it anyhow and being upset doesn’t help anything. 

Now that that’s been established, I have to flip the script because when it comes to talking about a whole year, I feel a little different.  Yes… we’re talking 2021 now. I need.. NEED to reflect a little bit so that I can turn my full and complete attention to the year ahead. 

About a week ago I went all numbers nerd on y’all and I believe that had a healthy recap of my stats for the year. Step count average, sleep duration, creative writing submission counts, and blog stats.

https://theorganicsugarcookie.com/2021/12/22/2021-12-22-its-a-numbers-nerding-kind-of-day/

But not everything can be translated into numbers.

For example, in match my mom went through a hell of an ordeal and the result was a diagnosis of stage 3c ovarian cancer, which is pretty grim if you google the statistics. She’s now had two major surgeries and undergone 6 months of chemo. The short story now is that she’s been declared cancer free. For now. 

The visitor restrictions due to covid meant only one designated visitor was allowed. That would be yours truly. Daughter number 1. It was a rough time for her for sure, and I do not mean to demean that at all when I say it was pretty terrible for me too. Like a full time job managing a situation with zero in return. When I say zero, I’m being serious. 

Cold, yes, but frightfully serious. I suppose that’s because I’ve never had a great relationship with my mom. It’s only proximity and availability that I was put on good daughter duty instead of my 3 other siblings; two in the Denver area, and one local but already has a full time job. 

I’m the end we all did our part. Mine was just bigger. 

My mom is already chomping at the bit to have more surgery to reverse the ostomy. It will take two more procedures. She’s schedule this week if she could, but the rise in Covid again has put the kibosh on anything considered elective. I’m secretly grateful for that as I’m personally not ready for that circus again. I digress. 

This year I also navigated the publishing process for my first book. So quaint and optimistic I say “first” as if I really think there will be another. But there might! 

Anyway, I don’t believe I’ve learned anything new about myself through the process other than I really can get over my angst about social media and post modestly for the sake of self promotion. 

The process has been mostly hurry up and wait. I got the requested materials to the publisher in late summer/early fall which included cover design, pictures, bios, and blurbs they could use to promote the book and put on the back cover. The rest of it has just been waiting. 

Waiting for it to go up on their site, mostly so I could tell people about it. And now the waiting game during this pre-sale period includes me randomly posting about it and emailing folks. I get an email every couple of weeks on how it’s doing; how many copies have been sold. Last count was the magic 55. 

See how hard it is to find the words to recap a year without going down all the rabbit holes along the way. I’m sure my year had more about it than my moms cancer and my book. 

I did have seventeen poems published in 2021. That’s something! 

I traveled to Beaver Bend State Park in Oklahoma, Arizona and the Grand Canyon, Dubuque Iowa, and Austin this year. 

My daughter turned 19 and is dominating the school scene at UNL. She’s also navigating her way through the early stages of her first relationship. 

My son turned 17 and is a senior in high school. I was successful getting him to take drivers ed this past summer so now he’s driving. That’s a big win. He’s also getting closer to making some decisions about his future which is great. He’ll have more of a plan than I ever did when I was a senior. In my book, that’s a win too. 

Jim and I had our 1st anniversary as a married couple. We celebrated by going out to dinner for the first time in a year. That was last February, so the next me is coming up quick. 

I’m struggling to think of anything else noteworthy and I think that means it’s time to wrap. 

Perhaps if I think of something else I’ll return to update this post so it’s all in one place. Hey… I can do that. 🙃

Cheers to Endings and Beginnings,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-12-11 Hunting for Gratitude

That’s it. I’ve officially lost my mojo. I’ve attended three generative writing events this week and have failed in a big way to write anything (new). Everything is a rehash of something I’ve already written or just plain garbage nonsense. And I think I’m just going to give up trying and see what that life is like. 

I really am. 

You know, I’ve been struggling with my purpose in life lately. I gave up my career, dove head first into a very different life and lifestyle and now that I feel like I’m failing at everything, my confidence and self-worth are pretty dang low. 

I have my health and that’s something, but my motivation has flatlined. 

This event I went to today was a holiday reading and speed writing affair. I took about 4 pages of notes before I had to dip out to go pick my son up at the high school. He retook the ACT today and I played mom-taxi so he would for sure be there on time AND get some good eats to fuel his day.

Anyway, the reading was good, but the notes I took were crap and toward the end I was already thinking about how broken I am and how I’ll never write a good poem again (or story or essay or anything). I actually thought about making a New Years resolution to hide from the world all of 2022 and just enjoy life, not putting any pressure on myself to show up or write or do anything. Just a free pass to do nothing and be nothing for a whole year). 

Sounds kinda like I might need that therapist I’ve mentioned a time or two before but I’ve been so unmotivated I can’t even make the phone calls. 

It’s like I’ve got both feet outside the door but can’t move forward or decide on anything. 

My kids and husband and our families are all healthy too. I’m think when I don’t feel like things are going so well at least I have that. The health factor. At least I have that to be grateful for and at this rate, I’ll probably live another 50 years. 

Then I  think… what the hell am I going to do for 50 more years? Good gravy! 

My husband is so motivated and dedicated and has like some magical endless source of energy and motivation. It’s kinda ridiculous, in a wonderful way. He gets so much done every day, it would put most people to shame. I wonder how he does. It’s probably something I should know, you know. Since we’re married. 

And he manages to also compliment me on every little thing I do. He works all day every work day and even on the weekends and somehow still remembers to thank me for breakfast every morning and say how nice the kitchen looks when he comes home.

He tells me how beautiful I am all the time and calls me sexy though I’ve never been sexy a day in my life. He knows I worry about my weight and makes a point to make sure I know he thinks I should actually gain a few more pounds. We’ve agreed to disagree on that point. 

In fact, we don’t really disagree on much. The biggest arguments we’ve had turn into a joke about five minutes after they happen. He knows what upsets me and allows me license to vent. Then we let it go. 

He’s also a very positive person, for the most part. Everyone needs to vent negativity sometimes and I try to be a good listener. It’s pretty easy actually because most of it has nothing to do with me or the house or kids so I’m indifferent and can just listen and try and offer encouraging support or suggestions. 

Good golly… good didn’t intend for this to turn into a gooey-schmooch fest, but here we are. 

I guess I’m just hunting for things to be grateful for so I can reframe the aimless way I’ve been feeling lately. I think I just need to try harder to focus on supporting my family and being at peace with the fact that that is my primary role now. Not as engineer and breadwinner, but the girl who holds the ladder for others. 

I should just embrace it. And not put so much pressure on my creative brain to  perform. Why do think I have to do tons of stuff everyday and be super productive or I’m not doing enough? Why can’t I just be happy taking it easy? 

And why do I think if I’m not writing anything that I’m failing at life? 

It should be enough to wake up everyday healthy, surrounded by people who care about me. It should. It really, really should. 

***

My son reported that today’s ACT went much better than the first time. He paced himself better and answered all the questions instead of missing a bunch. He also did not have to take the writing portion this time which should be good because writing is his nemesis. He was positive that his score will be better. I hope so. I certainly think that what he’s potentially learned in school since the last time will benefit him greatly. He might be coasting with a C in Algebra 3, but he’s still learning. 

My daughter who is away at UNL finished her finals this week (or is nearly done as they are all projects). She’s pulling straight ‘A’s and to that I say “that’s MY girl.” 

She also went and got herself a boyfriend this semester and I can tell you even after 4 years of high school thinking that would happen any minute, I’m still not prepared. 

It got serious pretty quickly and today her and her man are driving to his home town to meet his family. Tomorrow it’s our turn. That’s serious!! I just have to remember I was her age once and she’s a smart girl who knows what she wants.

Like both her parents she’s stubborn and headstrong and so this new Mr. isn’t going to get in the way of her goals. I hope. Ha! 

So I guess that’s it. Today’s spin on life is reframing inadequacy into gratitude. Not bad for a one hour walk. 

Cheers to holding other people’s ladders, 
~Miss SugarCookie

2021-11-25 Happy Turkey Day Y’all!! 🧡🍗🥓🥧🥔🥐🥦🌽🧡

Yes.. it’s THAT day again and I’m feeling pretty good.

Let’s agree to set aside the sketchy origin of this holiday and instead focus on gratitude, spending quality time with people (hopefully), and…. FOOD!! 

One meager year ago we were in isolation. No meetups or visits with friends and family and for sure no big gathering with a hearty meal. 

Instead, it was five of us at the house and I cooked a small Turkey with all the fixings. I don’t have to go back and read my blog post about it. I remember it well. It was a nice time and I was grateful to have the kids here. 

This year I don’t have my kids. It’s the nature of the beast known as divorce. I would say I’m used to it but I don’t think I’ll ever really be used to it. It’s always hard. The holidays are tough for a lot of people for different reasons. Going to family events without my kids is just one of my reasons. Still, I’m grateful we’re all healthy and have board game day tomorrow to look forward to. 

I’m also grateful for the fact that my small circle of friends and family is also helpful. Especially my parents who have both had a really tough year—mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

I think they are through the worst of the physical stuff 🤞 but the emotional challenges often linger and take longer to mend. I’ll be seeing both of them today at my sister’s house. Plus a handful of other related and not related people, mostly her boyfriend’s family.

Pretty soon now I’m going to turn my attention to the FOOD part of this day. I’ll be making brunch for Jim and I at 11 and at the same time practice cooking my appetizer for the feast today. Practicing has literally been on my list all week and I have not gotten to it. If I procrastinate anymore, I won’t get practice at all because it will be the real thing.😜

My plan was to make bacon wrapped dates stuffed with cheese or almonds or both. There are lots of popular recipes on the internet and I just made sure I had all the ingredients for a few of them, and then planned to practice and decide what to go with. As the day ticks by, we’ll see how it plays out. 

Other than that, I don’t have a lot of plans for the day. Perhaps I’ll give myself a break from my daily grind like Everyone else?? I probably should. 

With that I must be moving along. But before I go, I think you should know, I’m grateful for you too. For spending your precious time reading. Time is one of the only things we really have in life, until we don’t. So don’t waste it. 🧡💕🧡💕

With peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-29 An Epic Rant from a Terrible Daughter…

You know that saying?.. How does it go?..  “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” 

It’s something like that. 

Well… fuck that saying. There is absolutely nothing good I have to say about this situation with my mother but I’m done being the good daughter. At least here in my own private Universe that’s completely open for the entire Universe to read/translate/interpret and judge. I don’t care. 

She’s stepping on my last nerve and what can I do because she’s the cancer patient who just had major surgery. Anything I say and do that’s not good-daughterly will be perceived poorly. I’ll be marked as a horrible human being for life. 

The truth is I’m just tired because I didn’t sleep well and had bad dreams. She’s called me and texted and texted and called. I know I threw myself into work today and tried to ignore my own irritation. Eventually I made my way to the hospital, timing it so that I’d only be able to stay an hour. 

I know. I need examples to back me up. Ok. 

She literally called me because she was done with her breakfast and the nurse call button had fallen out of her reach and she wanted the number to call the unit to get someone to come to her aid. 

To do what? Take her tray away? To fluff her pillow? To move her chapstick a little closer? Put the water jug out of view because she hates drinking water and seeing it is making her upset? 

Not kidding. 

It must be tough being seriously OCD and having everything outside your control. Let me tell you it’s also difficult being on the receiving end of all that neediness. 

Ok. Maybe she really needed something. Pain meds maybe. But yesterday she complained they were pushing too many meds into her and she was confident that all that was keeping her from feeling better. 

She’s called a second time because the hospital kitchen doesn’t have the “pink” packets of sweetener. She absolutely can’t drink tea without that. And nothing else tastes right and she doesn’t want to put my sister out of her way to run by the house or go to the grocery. 

So why is she calling ME? It’s ok to put me out? 

All I wanted to do this afternoon was take a nap so I could be fresh for a little quality time with my husband tonight. But that didn’t happen. Because she called again, just as I was drifting off. This time it was to let me know she was being discharged tomorrow. Way ahead of schedule, might I add. 

It’s great news she’s doing well enough to go home so soon but at that moment all I could think was “there goes my Thursday.” I’m a terrible person. 

I made sure she knew I was trying to nap. 

I followed that by texting minutes later that she should think about a grocery list so we could have the things at the house she wanted when she gets home.

In the weeks and days leading up to the surgery she knew she would not be home for a while so she used up or threw out anything that would go bad. In her own words there is nothing left she would want when she gets home. So I’m just trying to be proactive. 

She texts she needs a bag of ice, milk, and New York style vanilla ice cream specifically from Family Fare. That’s it. 

That’s it?? 

No.. that’s not it. I remember this rodeo. Every time someone shows up at her house she’ll act like she’ll die if she doesn’t get what she’s craving. This results in another trip to the grocery every day (or Panera or Taco John’s, or Qdoba, or McCallister’s deli). 

She’ll remember the rodeo too and the bar has already been set. I swear I’m not going to the grocery store unless I get a full list to stock her refrigerator and pantry. 🙄

***

My sister just texted me about the artificial sugar drama and said she’s also “not ready for this.” 

I know it’s expensive in the hospital but couldn’t they keep her for a few more days like they promised. 🤣

Aaaaannnnyway…

That’s probably enough of a rant for one day.

Peace, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-25 Happy FIVE-OHHH Bro! 🎉🚀🌕

Today I’m walking to try and rid myself of a headache that was probably induced by too much to drink at dinner last night. Some cocktail with a clever name I can’t recall. I suppose if it was really clever I’d remember it. 🤷‍♀️

After two of those I switched to amaretto sours which have considerably less alcohol I’m sure. Still, the headache is definitely from that because after dinner we went straight home and I didn’t have another drop. It doesn’t take much these days. Probably because I’m getting older. 

Older. 🤔

My older brother turns 50 today and it’s a numerical impossibility because there’s only two years between us but I just turned 34 last month. 

50. Five-ohhh. Half a century. That’s a long time to be hanging about. 

He’s as fit as anyone I know. Lives in Colorado near the mountains and hikes all the time. He’s got a wife and two smarty-pants kids in college. He’s got a solid gig as a rocket scientist. It’s a tired family joke… his career in working on “stuff” for NASA, etc. The Universe forbid asking him about it unless you want a long conversation that’s mostly over your head. 

I kid. I understand most of what he talks about, but he likes to talk about it so the “long” part of that description is accurate. But like I wrote, he lives in Colorado so I don’t get to chat with him very often. 

Once, when I went to Boulder I got to have a tour inside one of the Ball Aerospace buildings where they actually assemble some of the crafts they launch into space. That was beyond cool.. walking the halls and peeking inside clean rooms and windows where 3D printers were printing who knows what for who knows why. I even got to go into a huge room that had a rocket that was being assembled. It was neat-O. 

I digress. 

He’ll be coming back “home” in a few weeks to help out with our mom for a few days. I’m sure by then she will be out of the hospital and it will be a welcome break. He only has been one long four day weekend to spare, so that’s kind of a bummer. But I’ll take all I can get. 

My mom is doing fine. She’s still in ICU and yesterday she was really grumpy and nothing seemed to help. She feels trapped and uncomfortable and I get that. 

She complains about the staff as soon as they leave the room and is not satisfied when I say “they are just doing their jobs.” So I’ve stopped saying it. 

Mostly I just listen and roll my eyes when she’s not looking. Does that make me a horrible person? Rolling my eyes because I’m irritated by her? 

🤷‍♀️

When I’m done walking I’m going to head to the hospital to check on her. Soon… my time is almost up here. 

I still have a headache. I probably need to eat a piece of peanut butter toast or something. What I really want is a coffee. Maybe I will have that too. Maybe. 

Until next time, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-24 Over it.. Already

It’s day 5 of going to the hospital and I’m already over it. I hate that it feels obligatory and routine. I hate that it seems to cut my day in half. I don’t use the word hate a lot but in this case it fits. What’s a girl to do? 

To balance things out and soothe my worried mind, I’m leaning on other people more than usual. I‘ve been transparent with people about my limited time and the circumstance, to level set expectations.

I posted about checking in the hospital on Facebook which is way out of character for me. I just want folks in those outer circles to know. Then, as we spiral in close to home I’ve basically reached out via text and whatnot that the surgery was happening this week. The responses I’ve gotten have been kind and encouraging and it really has made a difference so far in my mood. 

Then yesterday I indulged in two meetups with friends. I met my friend JS for a quick lunch between times visiting the ICU. I then went directly to a rooftop bar in Benson to meet MK at dinner time. We were there for several hours and it was so good. She’s an incredible person and we always have loads to chat about. 

When I returned home in the evening i found my hubby freshly home himself from a meetup with his best bro. I got to hear all about that and there was no need for me to go in detail about my mom. I just didn’t want to think or talk about it. 

Nothing to say anyway. She’s had another surgery and so now it’s just down to recovery. That’s it. 

Like I said, it was good to lean on folks and not let myself feel the pressures of all the things left undone. All those check boxes will still be there tomorrow. And they are. And here it is tomorrow and I’m beginning again. 

I’ve completed a few of my Friday house chores and am indulging in a little treadmill time. I’m all caught up on Bachelor in Paradise and not sure how I’ll get motivated to do cardio. It’s gotten to where I need something interesting to watch to distract me from how much I hate jogging. 

There’s that word again. Hate. Very curious. 

In other news I am trying to maximize the times I have at the hospital when my mom just wants to be left alone to doze off. I’ve taken my laptop and have been spending time on Submittable. The hospital room is not the right vibe for writing or revising but I can submit poems all day long from just about anywhere. Outside the required research and reading, it’s pretty much a robotic exercise at this point.

I breached my September goal of 50 active subs yesterday and the new plan is to hold steady right there. I’ve done this in the past. Get a rejection and then find a new place to sub. This time the twist is that I’m committing to only submitting to higher quality publications. It was actually one of my goals for June or July but it didn’t happen. 

This month I created an algorithm to score a publication to see how they rank based on my own criteria. The real value in that exercise was figuring out what is important to me and I don’t really need to plug in the numbers to get the score to get a sense for how they rate. The most heavily weighted criteria are the longevity of a publication, their acceptance rate, their money model, and the format and frequency in which they publish. 

Of course the recognizability of name is key, but in reality the longer running organizations are going to be the ones whose names you read in other people’s bios and covet. Those are the names I can mention off the top of my head and have rarely submitted to thus far. 

Regardless, there is very little difference to me when receiving a rejection. It doesn’t seem to matter what publisher is rejecting my writing. A rejection is just a door opening to submit somewhere else. That’s a healthy and positive attitude I think. 

Enough about that. I gotta get a move on my day. No rest for the wicked. 

Three Cheers for Friday, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-18 Just Another Typical Saturday with a Side of Health Updates

Today is Saturday and I’m walking on the treadmill while things are still peaceful here in the castle. It’s going to be a busy day. 

I’ve got a poetry workshop I’m looking forward to attending that starts at 10am and after that my son is having a group of friends over to the house for a game day. Not football or video games but a gathering of magic, or rather Magic the Gathering. I’m no stranger to this as his dad was (and may still be) into that card game. All I really remember about it though, were boxes upon boxes of cards and an insatiable appetite to buy more. He and his crew had to buy new packs every time they played. Whoever invented the game is a genius. What a racket! 

I digress. 

I’m happy he’s having friends over. He hasn’t done that much before and I’m hoping this becomes a regular thing. People need people in real life. Face to face and not just faceless across the wires of the internet.

I’m also going with my husband to visit both my parents today. I saw my dad a few days ago and he’s struggling and needs something that he’s not equipped to figure out. His health is a concern, both mentally and physically, and I really don’t know how to help him either. But we’re going to chat about it some more anyhow. 

My mom and her health issues are next level compared to that though. She’s just finished six months of chemotherapy for her stage 3C ovarian Cancer and on the threshold of another major surgery. That’s actually happening this week and I fully expect it to consume my thoughts and time. I’m sure there will be several blog posts about all of that tumbling out soon, but today’s visit is all about making sure Jim and I understand the status of her affairs and know where all her important papers are. 

I’m her power of attorney for health matters and named executor of her will. It’s not the type of thing I want to think about or talk about but I get that she needs to because she’s facing the reality of her age and circumstance. She’s going to be fine through this, though, I am certain.

With what little time I have to myself this morning, I’m considering my own health. 

It’s no secret I’ve struggled with chronic fatigue, poor sleep, and had issues focusing on anything requiring mental energy late in the day. Yeah, by about 8pm I’m useless and it creeps in  earlier and earlier each day the more time passes. 

Two weeks ago I went to a new doctor who ran a bunch of labs to look for clues. In truth, I picked that doc because he’s one of very few physicians in Omaha that does testosterone therapy for women. That’s really what I was after. I knew going in he would be treating me as any internist would, with comprehensive care and not just what I was asking for. Hence all the labs. 

There were no surprises in the results. I’m pretty healthy for my age. It’s good news, yes, but also just a touch frustrating because there IS nothing obviously wrong with me. Nothing big anyway. 

My hormone levels are ok and I might be entering what is called perimenopause but if I am, it’s super early. My thyroid is ok except for a slightly low T3 value for which I was prescribed a new med. Subclinical hypothyroidism is the official lingo but based on what the internet and my husband says, it’s not typically treated. 

Still, I grasp onto it because it’s something. It’s frustrating to have issues where the cause is elusive and nebulous. Maybe it is not why I’m feeling the way I am but the thought of taking a med that’s going to potentially speed my metabolism and give me more energy sounds like something worth trying. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge fan of taking prescriptions. I’d love to find a more natural, homeopathic solution. I’m just at the end of the sidewalk trying to figure it out. If I wasn’t, there’s no way in hell I’d let someone put extra testosterone in my body. What nonsense, but again, seems worth trying. 

The doc also sold me some vitamins and  supplements. Vitamin A, D, and K and something called methyl factors. My hubby gave me the serious side eye when I told him. All I can say is that they are vitamins and what can it hurt? 

I’m pairing all these new pills I’m putting in my body with a mindset that it WILL have a positive effect and that I’m going to help by eating healthier and cutting down on the ridiculous amount of caffeine I’ve been ingesting lately. 

Only time will tell. 

One things for sure… I’m going to need all the strength and energy I can muster to get through the next few weeks with gratitude and grace. 

With that. My time is up. 

Cheers to the Weekend, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-14 The One About (Not) Dealing With Inequitable Partnerships

I’m really very tired of writing about the same things over and over and really wish I could get out of the funk that is, for all intents and purposes, self-inflicted. 

I’m also not sure what direction this particular piece of writing will go given the Rolodex of thoughts infesting my tired mind. 

In exactly two minutes I’m supposed to have a meeting with my “partner” at the GLR yet I made the choice to step down the stairs to my treadmill anyhow, totally expecting him to dip for the hundredth time. That’s just one thing on my mind. 

It feels like an 85/15 split with the actual work that gets done between us with me taking on the lion’s share. I do it because I care. I do it because I have higher standards than he does. I do it because I have no other choice (unless I want to cause huge drama by ousting him from his position). Make no mistake though, I don’t do it because I have more time or energy or feel my priorities are any less important than what he has going on. 

Who am I trying to convince? Myself as always. Yes, he has a young family and a full time job and I’m just a housewife and stay at home mom. I struggle because I used to have a career and know what it’s like to juggle everything on top of .. we’ll.. everything else. Good grief. But it seriously takes just as much time or more for me to do here, at this house, than what I eas spending at my day job.

My issue is working with someone who does a fraction of the work and does not follow through and still basks in taking credit. 

I spent hours on a proposal for the coordinator of our MFA program—toiled over the language for two potential internships and possible lectures we could give. I did all the work and then sent the email off, with attachments I’m sure my “partner” did not even read. Then one hot second after he (the coordinator) responds, my partner replies. 

I sometimes wait for days and weeks for feedback from him and often give up. But here we have something visible and public and he’s all over responding right away. That’s just rotten. 

I’ve complained to my closest peeps about this and they all say I need to have a talk with him. But I’m a chicken shit and I hate confrontation. 

I hate the way his Twitter handle has his title for the lit mag like he earned it. I hate Twitter too but that’s just beside the point. It’s all about appearances and I have to get over it. And get over social media too. 

I daydream about a world without social media and I daydream about a world where I never entered into this stupid partnership. I would not trade the experience and what I’ve learned for anything, I just wish it was an endeavor I initiated on my own and was the sole leader of. 

This gives me so much heartburn and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s a tricky pickle. 

It’s been exactly 20 minutes since I started writing and now… Now he’s finally ready for our 1pm call. I already told him, no zoom today so I have to get myself somewhere in the house where my phone has service (which is not in the basement). BRB

***

(One 30 minute call and a round trip to Papillion to pick my son up from school later)…

It’s all going to be fine. With each interaction with said person I’m learning how to be a more patient and understanding human. I’m also well aware that if I want specific things done, I need to ask pointedly and attach deadlines. It’s a much more diplomatic and reasonable approach than the solo takeover (or murder) that was playing out in my head earlier.

I tell myself that having another person at the helm with me means I’ve got someone to take the blame if something goes horribly wrong. Let’s hope it never comes to that.

I also have to remember he’s not being paid for any of his efforts either and I really have no insight into the rest of his life which could be just as messy as I feel like mine is.

In any case, thanks for reading and for understanding that I’m just a lonely human being lost in a sea of broken humanity. Most days I’m just trying hard not to drown. Most days this blog is a good way for me to work through how I’m feeling. Some days though, nothing really helps. That’s life. 

With peace and love and a dollop of understanding,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-09-02 New Month, Same Ole Miss SugarCookie 🍑

We’ve officially turned over the month are on the fast track to pumpkin spice latte season and sweater weather. 

I’m doing pretty good this week and trying to stay focused on my to-do list while balancing managing the household and nurturing my interpersonal relationships. 

If I haven’t written about the resurgence of the lunch/happy hour meetups, it’s because up till recently I was still snug in my pandemic hidey-hole. On one hand it was good for me to disconnect for a while and not put too much pressure on my introverted, anxiety plagued self to get out there and be social. 

On the other hand… people need people. I know this to be true so I sometimes have to force myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my meetups with friends but I have a history of over committing my time and then feeling like a failure when I can’t get it “all” done. 

If you read my last post you know that the one thing that hasn’t suffered is my commitment to exercise. In fact, I probably spend too much time on the treadmill and if all things seem to set aside that first hour of my morning (after house chores) to that. The rest of the world be damned, I’m going to get my steps. 

My sacrifice is consequently everything else.. my writing, revising, researching, submitting, working on the lit mag, and yes… my meetups with friends. But like I said, I seem to be finding time to do that this week. 

So far this week I’ve met up with Margret, Sam, and Michelle and have a lunch meet up today plus visiting both my parents tomorrow. In the grand scheme, visiting my parents doesn’t really count because that is an obligation more than a benefit to my mental health like the others. 

***

I paused just then to think about the fact that last week was my birthday and my mom made a point to meet me and my sister for lunch last weekend but my dad didn’t even text me on my birthday. 

On his birthday this year we took him out to dinner. And on mine he didn’t even text to wish me well. He texted the day after and said “sorry, I forgot.” Whatever. 

Yesterday was his wife’s birthday. His wife who passed away last November. And since then I’ve been trying to visit regularly to make sure he’s ok, but each time I do I get little reminders of how his step children and grand children are much closer. Last night when we spoke on the phone he made a point to tell me he went out to dinner with them for her birthday. To one of her favorite restaurants. And he had two glasses of pinot Grigio. He had just opened another bottle at home and was clearly tipsy when we talked. 

I don’t blame him. It’s got to be so tough to lose your spouse of 30 years and have your whole life change so quickly. But damn if he just doesn’t seem to show me the same love he shows those girls. What am I gonna do? The answer is nothing. 

Suck it up, keep visiting, and enduring the comments and realities I’m faced with. What else can I do? 

Anyway, that’s apparently what’s on my mind today. Well that and the fact that we had a plumber over two days ago and I came home last night to water in the basement again from that overflowing drain. I effffing hate this house. I really do. I don’t care how great people think living in this castle must be. When every single damn day brings a new broken down thing, it gets really old after a while. 

That’s it for today lest I launch into yet another rant. Ain’t nobody got time for that! 

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-08-18 Mood Math

It’s been another week. Another 7 days since I’ve put two sentences together on a page, virtual or otherwise. Maybe this is the new me, the new Miss SugarCookie who posts once a week instead of once a day. If I was doing that, I’d want to make sure each week is one heck of a good post. Should it be Wednesdays? Is that the right day? Or perhaps Thursdays because the week is over half over and there’s usually a good vibe cruising into the weekend. 

I wish I could say I have a good vibe right now. I’d settle for an OK vibe. 

Instead I feel downright rotten again and the regularity of this funk is starting to get to me. 

Last week I blamed PMS and for sure when my period finally (FINALLY) showed up, I did feel a little better. But here we are on Wednesday again and I’m twiddling my thumbs and waiting for the sun to set so I can crawl into bed without taking too much grief about my mood or my lack of energy (or desire or motivation or whatever). 

I really have no excuse for being in a bad mood today. Nothing substantial anyhow. I mean, I tried to donate blood and failed. Low hemoglobin. That’s no big deal. I took some grief for not buying any bottled water at the grocery this week. Excuse me for not wanting to fill the land with plastic. I’m tired as hell and am easily annoyed by people. That’s kind of a big deal. 

I haven’t written anything in forever and have received one rejection after another via email. That could be something. My daughter left for college this week (or rather, I took her) and so I am missing not having her here to talk to after work. Also probably a bigger deal than I realize. I constantly feel unimportant and like I don’t matter to anyone. Yeah, now we are getting somewhere. 

So my kids don’t really need me. I have no job. My husband doesn’t really need me and is extremely busy. I’m his 3rd or 4th priority and I feel like our relationship only gets attention when he has time off of work. That’s to be expected with his job and business and kids who all come before me. 

Did I mention that I was tired? I’m literally typing on my laptop on my lap and can feel my eyes getting heavy. I might just stretch out this overstuffed arm chair and try to sleep. We’ll see if that makes me feel better…

*** 

Nope. And neither did the ice cream I just had. 

Oh.. and did I mention my birthday is next week? Maybe that’s the real reason I’ve been so down lately. Birthdays don’t usually get me down but then again I get older every year and so every birthday is just a reminder that my time is running out.

But it shouldn’t get me down because I probably have another 50 years to live. Not even on the downhill slide yet. 50 more years to make the most out of life. 

If I get an average of 10,000 steps a day that’s 182.5 million steps. That’s a lot of freaking steps.

If I get an average of seven hours of sleep every night that’s 127,750 hours of sleep. And 310,250 hours awake. That’s a lot of hours. What the heck am I supposed to do with all that time?! What do I want to do? What would make me feel better about how I’m spending that time? 

I just don’t know. 

You know sometimes I think I have life all figured out but I really don’t. I haven’t got a clue. I suppose it will always feel that way sometimes. 

I suppose the moods really come and go and I shouldn’t worry too much that I’m too depressed or stressed or anxious or, the universe forbid, happy and thinking any minute something bad is going to happen. Is that what it is now? Things are too good and I’m concerned it’s too good to be true and the next disaster is just around the bend??!! 

Good gravy, my brain is twisted. 

*** 

On second thought… that ice cream did make me feel a little bit better so I think I’ll have some more. 

If I eat one bowl of ice cream every day for the next 50 years, that’s about 18,250 bowls of ice cream. But you know what I always say… Today is a good day to start. 🤷‍♀️

That’s it for now, 

~Miss SugarCookie