2021-11-28 Parenting Through Tough Situations + The MOST Disturbing Dream

Yesterday my primary concern was the argument my children found themselves in after a rotten turn during a board game we were playing. Yes, I said a board game. It was painful and unnecessary but just like a married couple that is stuck together for life, one argument often stirs up years of angst and incidents long past. 

So it wasn’t just about the board game, it was about a few of their less than stellar character traits, of which we all have some. It’s human nature and nobody is perfect.

My son brings up my daughter’s need to control every detail of a situation, her attitude when she doesn’t get that, and her entitlement as first born to get her way. 

My daughter brings up my sons casual attitude and the way he doesn’t care when he says something that hurts someone’s feelings. She’s upset he doesn’t want to spend time with her when she’s home even though the reasons for that are what I just listed above. And she refuses to recognize her own flaws. 

My son recognizes his flaws, but, as I said, doesn’t seem to care. 

I tried not to pick sides. I tried to just deescalate the situation and help them both see the others’ side. But, they are both stubborn which makes sense because I am too and so is their dad. The situation did not get resolved and that left me feeling aingsty. 

Yesterday came and went and I had a lot to do that did not involve them, but I did have brief moments where I could just “check-in” to gauge how they were feeling. They’re both fine. Probably because this sort of thing is a scene that’s repeated many times in the past and they’re used to sweeping it back under the rug. 

My fear is that it will taint any future attempts by me to engineer a family game day. They will remember the end of this one (and not how much fun we had for 6 hours but just the fight at the end) and not want to go through it again. Time will tell.

Today is a new day and another opportunity to talk to both of them. I’ll speak to her before she heads back to UNL and him before he heads back to his dad’s house. As a parent, I have to keep working to make sure they are the best versions of themselves and sometimes that means helping them recognize where they are flawed or wrong.

Easy to say but not always easy to do but unlike married people they are stuck together for life as siblings and they need to be there for each other. At least that’s how I feel about it. I want them to have a good relationship throughout their lifetime. I love them so much and just want good things for them both and their lives.

Of course I have to balance parenting with all the other things I’m committed to today. This includes being a good wife and the promise to go to brunch with Jim. It includes being a good daughter helping my mom a second day in a row setting up her new phone. 🙄 It includes being a good editor and meeting my co-founder to discuss all things Good Life Lit Mag. It means being good to myself and getting exercise today. 

It’s tough to have a well balanced life. 

***

I felt pretty good when I woke up today. Physically, I mean. I felt well rested and ready to get up and go but relaxed enough to just lay in bed and think. 

At that moment, however, my primary thought was WTF! That’s because I was having a dream right when I woke up and it was unpleasant. I had been sitting across a larger wooden dining table from a few other people, two women and a man engaged in conversation. 

The woman was going to lose some financial benefit or advantage because she lost her status in a certain position. Details escape me. But the uncomfortable part for me was recognizing that it was my fault AND .. wait for it… it was because I married Donald Trump. I was mortified. There aren’t enough 😱😱😱😱😱😱 horrified emojis in the Universe to express the feeling. 

They talked and in my head I was trying to puzzle out how it could have happened and at the same time justify that he swept me off my feet and I didn’t know who he was. Good gravy!!! 

After that I had a solo consultation with the man in the room who was some sort of environmental plant shaman and we looked at several of my potted plants that were in serious trouble. He explained my poor care of them and neglect had caused their suffering, again, I felt terrible, begging him to tell me how to save them. 

So yes, I woke up disturbed but also relieved it was only a dream. And then I laid there asking myself where the hell all that came from. I didn’t ponder long before I got up and got dressed for my walk but it’s apparently still on my mind. 

Stupid brain. 

The house is still asleep now and I reckon it’s be got about 30 more minutes before that changes so I’m gonna get some serious cardio. 

I had both the Covid moderna booster last evening and a flu shot so I want to use this energy I have now before my body could decide to turn this into a day I don’t want to do anything. Having all those plans I mentioned earlier will not go away so I hope I don’t take a dive. That would be rough. 

That’s it for now. 

Stay frosty, 

~Miss SugarCookie 

(NOT Trump!!! 😱🤬😜)

2021-01-18 A Caravan Traveling Toward the Unknown

Today the lingering ghost of disturbing dreams and waking drenched in sweat and exhaustion has me walking a slower pace than normal. What was I running from all night? What had me peering back over my shoulder and looking off at the airfield in the distance, climbing a steep grassy slope to a narrow stair with a single metal rail? 

I somehow fell into a row there with other people running away from or toward something. Our pace slowed by growing numbers ascending the stair. At the top of which was a tiny door. More of a window really, too small I thought, for some people to slip through. How would we all fit? And where would this human  caravan lead? Does it matter when you know your life depends on finding a new place to dwell? When the perception is that any consequence is better than the alternative of staying, it doesn’t matter. 

I fit through the window and after, was when I woke, my head pounding with questions, I shuffled safely to the bathroom to fumble in the dark with the Tylenol and water I had left on the counter before going to bed. 

I didn’t think about the potential meaning of this dream until just now. 

Could it be random or am I already trying to reconcile news of a caravan of human beings crossing Mexico on foot to get to the United States?

They don’t get the news from Alexa each day. They don’t understand that nothing will change immediately just because there’s a change in leadership. Change here is slow. Policy and procedure are large and heavy. 

But they don’t need the news. Promises have been made and they have no option but to believe in them. 

My news source is opinionated. Like the rest of the media the words are often filtered, carefully chosen, and slant. I truly don’t think there’s an honest, unbiased source of news left. I don’t think it’s possible. 

The best I can do is solicit news from multiple sources and piece together the truth from all that. Like a patchwork of events, people, and statements. Pulling the verifiable squares together and using the spool of my mind to stitch it until it fits together. But even that is flawed because I’m biased too. 

I say “let them cross”.. and if the whole world decides to move to America we’ll figure it out. But it’s complicated and I don’t profess that I understand all of the moving parts. I’m also not in any position to make any difference and whatever will happen, I dare say, it will not affect me much. But still I dream. 

Still my unconscious mind puts me in the midst of the migration. Sketchy circumstances. Just another body crossing fields and slipping through chain link fences. Why was there an airfield there? Why was there a narrow stair? What’s the significance of the thin pipe handrail or the door that was more of a window? 

Perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions and it’s all nonsense and doesn’t mean anything at all. 

Yesterday I was looking forward to the start of a new week and now I’m just tired, with a headache and no motivation. I stare at myself as I walk on this treadmill, 2.5 miles an hour, and wonder how fast and far the caravan from Honduras walks each day. Their motivation far greater than anything I can conceive of. 

I don’t want to think about that. So selfish. I’m gonna have to quit now. 

More later, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-19 And Just Like Snap…

Nothing like getting news that wrecks the day. That was 1pm yesterday. I ignored a call from my ex-husband in the AM. One call gets dismissed automatically, because of conditioned behavior. I’ve learned that whatever that first call is, wait, and it could resolve itself, or simmer down, or be a possible a mistake/butt dial or something. A text that follows means it’s more urgent, but still don’t dial back.

I’m not playing games. I’m just hip to the way he operates. I forgot about the text and call, finished my errands, and made it back home. The phone rings again. A second ring, so soon after the first? This could be something important. I answer.

He makes quick work telling me his fiancé has tested positive. Within about two seconds I connect the dots and realize that means my son, who went to their house Monday (And is still there) has been exposed. Two more seconds and I arrived at the fact that he now can’t come home, or go to school. In less than five seconds flat I’ve processed the primary implications.

Still, I only talked with Brian a few more minutes and then told him I needed to process and that I’d call him back. Adding that I Hope Jessie feels better soon and isn’t hit to hard.

My ex thinks I’m immune to Covid because I have O+ blood. His fiancé’s daughter who tested negative is also O+. He is A- and therefore the most susceptible blood type. Naturally he assumes he will get it next. He claims to have read medical journals that validate his statements. But he’s also been known to spin yarn before so I just have to get off the phone any way I can.

I called the school and they excused my son to leave right away and calked back after they talked to the “infected household” to let me know the duration. A standard 14 days unless he shows symptoms and also ends up testing positive. Then they reevaluate.

The good news is that there is no school next week anyhow so the missed coursework will be minimal. The bad news is that he’s already behind and catching up from home is a challenge. It’s why last semester of last year was such a disaster.

I sure hope they have the common sense to keep distanced at that house. They should be doing every thing they can to keep him from getting exposed. But alas, this is all out of my control.

And like I said, while in quarantine I don’t get to see him either so that’s a serous bummer. I can try to face time everyday or something. That’s what I will do.

Deep breaths. Not the worst news, but it does kind of derail me and my trains of thought and break the streak I was having with regard to good sleep.

Yeah. The maker of dreams served up doozie after doozie last night and when I woke up just after 5, it was clear that my subconscious had had enough. I was wide awake.

I don’t remember much but I was at a wedding with a bunch of my original crew and sat the entire reception, which was at a Mexican restaurant, looking at the menu without being able to decide what I wanted. As everyone around me ate and drank and talked and laughed, I combed the menu trying to decide. I remember I had a drink and when the bill came, Amy and Mike told me they put my drink on their bill since that was all I had. How nice.

There were slivers if other moments that seem familiar or were connected somehow: me in a wedding dress, people helping me with getting the other dress I was wearing clean, which I laughed at saying that they should not go to any trouble as the dress only cost me like 3 dollars in the first place.

But all of that slipped away as real life took control of my brain. Funny the way that is.

Right now it’s early. 6am and today promises to be an odd duck.

It’s going to be above 70 degrees and I’ve got big plans to put up more lights outside if I can get my act together. I’m also going to be oddly tethered to my cell service after 8am as we’re supposed to have folks coming to measure to replace some carpet. There are certain places in my house I don’t get cell service and I don’t want to miss their “We’re on our way” call.

I also have a GLR meeting at 10:30. Not really looking forward to that. Whatever. Meh.

As long as I can keep scooting my way to Friday which promises a meetup, with Coffee and maybe a muffin and a walk. It’s the Sam all things yo.

With that, it is our early day and so it’s time to cook breakfast. The day unfolds whether we like it or not.

Doing it,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-30 All Hallows Eve Eve

This morning I woke up at 4:45 AM from a dream about my recent ex-employer. The business had become a smashing success and they had just opened their brand new building which was a really neat New-tech high-rise situated among a neighborhood of 1 story buildings. A Sim city anomaly.

There were appearances from two of the three founders of the company and my role was something akin to being a sort of building Vanna White, showing off all the cool features and talking about security. But at the same time both Greg and Brian were trying to convince me to come back to work for them again. So a fairly mixed message from the maker of dreams this morning. Either way, I’m saying “no way” to that noise.

I did not fall back asleep. I woke up feeling well rested and did not have a headache which has been the norm these days. Instead of laying there, I decided to capitalize on the extra time by sneaking off to my office to update the GLR website. Each week we (actually our media manager and podcast creator) publishes a new episode of a podcast with content from Interviews with our contributing artists. So each week on Friday I update our landing page and sound bites page with related teaser language, an image of the author, and links.

This morning I also did a little more work/research into the CLMP firecracker awards. We’re putting in for best debut lit mag in 2020. I really think we’ve got a good shot at winning. I mean, the competition is pretty stiff, considering that we are among about 50 other publishers (yes really that many). 😱

Any publisher that was started in 2018, 2019, and 2020 is eligible and according to my calculations there’s about 8 new sites opening each quarter. These stats have not been verified, but I do have it on good authority that there are currently about 7000 publishers in the United States alone. E-gads!

In any case, I’ll be finishing our “Submission” for that award today. I mean, submissions have become my new thing. I pulled the trigger on two new ones yesterday. One of which included a brand new poem. The place I was submitting to had a theme and I took an old poem (one that I wrote in 2018 at my first MFA residency) and revised it to something shiny and new.

It’s not even the same poem. The controlling metaphor, rhetoric, and most of the lines were modified. Come to think of it, I’m not sure a single bit of it remained the same. That took a lot of my time yesterday, but was very satisfying. And I came away from that with some new ideas for other poems, which is great (and really something that’s been sorely lacking as of late).

Listening to the GLR podcast this Morning also made me feel better about the “Rut” I’ve been in with new writing. Author James Penha describes writing about the same things again and again as a theme and not a rut. I’m down with that!

From my perspective, as writers we are told too often to write everyday and always push for good steady habits and this sometimes leads to unrealistic expectations. And unrealistic expectations often leads to a feeling of failure when those expectations are not achieved. It’s a difficult time and we need to be kind To ourselves.

Truly we should be this way even in good times. I say this to myself as much as I’m saying it here. Too often, I’m too hard on myself. The podcast reinforced that “ok” right now is pretty good. It was a great interview. We’re doing good and my intentions are to keep moving forward with new ideas, contests, and potentially using the platform to support some good causes. Yeah, I’ve got big plans.

It’s not going to happen without some more effort though. I have a full set of stuff to get done today including finishing that firecracker award sub, putting together a proposal for our first contest, and speaking with an advisor on running a non-profit. Yeah. Sorry Greg and Brian but this volunteer side-gig is my new full time project.

In other news (for folks that are still with me) is that yesterday was satisfying for more than just one reason. Mid-day I received an email letting me know that the print book containing one of my poems has been released on Amazon. The digital/Kindle version of Verses from the Plains: A Poetry Collection, published by the Nebraska Writers Guild is now available and the print book will be up in a few days. That’s pretty exciting!

These publishing processes take sooooo loooonnnggg. I’ve been waiting since the acceptable came in summer. I suppose in the grand scheme it’s not that long, but it sure feels like it was forever ago. Despite my distaste for social media, it’s probably worth a post and a link. Might even update my profile pic today in anticipation of the announcement.

Aaaaannnnd… as if that wasn’t enough, I also got an acceptance yesterday from another print publication, Wingless Dreamer, who is putting out a book that is “Covid” themed. I have written exactly one poem about the pandemic. Submitted that and “waaaalaaa!” Sweet sauce!!

That publisher operates mostly through contests, and only one person wins the contest (which includes a cash prize), but all the accepted artists pieces are included in the collection. They are announcing the winner on November 2nd. Squeeeeee.

In light of ALL that, I’m pretty pumped today. And need to capitalize on the feeling and motivation to carry me through this Friday and the weekend— Halloween, Samhain (which I just learned about yesterday), the full moon, and having a house full of teenagers!

Cheers, 🎃
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-13 Pepperoni Pizza = Strange Dreams 🍕➡️😱

It’s been previously verified that if I eat pepperoni pizza too close to bed time, strange dreams will disturb my sleep.

Last night was no exception. Though I would hardly call the dreams strange or disturbing, it was certainly odd for so many men from my past to pay me a visit in the same night.

Saying “so many” makes it sound like a lot. And that’s just not the case. But when you’ve only “dated” a few people, more than half feels like a lot.

I mean, I married my first boyfriend when I was 19 and we were married for 17 years so that’s a healthy chunk of my life and also when most people are meeting lots of potential partners and sowing their wild oats.

Fast forward to about 6 months after my divorce was final and I got on Match. I went on a few dates with a few guys but had no idea who I was and what I was looking for. I ended up seeing this one guy for a hot minute (six months). It was my first friends with benefits relationship. But I thought we had a potential future together so it broke my heart when he found someone else. (Thanks for all the good times and poetry Vis 😋).

Then there was Matt. My “big love.” We were crazy for each other. Until the sun came out, and burned off all that god-dammed dewy-eyed newness (paraphrasing the only viable poem that came out of those 5 years). Yeah. 5 years. Good grief. 🙄

Then there was JTA, another good friend who I knew from the first time he told me we weren’t right for each other that there would never be an “us.” He’s one of those that visited me last night. Just before I woke up. Probably talking about moving away and how this town is not the right place for him. If you think I’m a broken record, talk to that guy for 10 years and realize that it could be much worse.

Still, I’ve got a special place in my heart for him and all the time we spent together. I would not say he helped me through my rough patch so much as he was just reliably there. More reliable than most people in my life at the time. So I’m grateful. 🥰

After that I got back in the dating game and went out in my fair share of first dates. Even a few second dates. I dabbled in a few one-time stands and even started seeing a guy pretty regularly, for about 5 months. Again I thought we had potential.. until I started to lose interest. The day I told him I wanted to call it quits was the day I found out “we” were also never really dating. WTF people??!!

Sprinkled in all that were a few good times with my friend HL. Again, according to my well established MO, I did have thoughts there could be something more there. The main limiting factor was the distance between us. He doesn’t live in Omaha so we only saw each other on trips elsewhere. He was another one of the dudes to show up in my pizza induced dreams last night.

Then I met Jim of course and that was that. The Universe help me, I hope that’s it. I really think it is. And he didn’t need to show up in my dreams last night cuz he was sleeping right beside me. 💕

Removing the “one and done” instances, that adds up to about 6 dudes I’ve had feelings for. I guess two out of 6 is not a lot after all. I stand corrected.

I suppose the most disturbing part of the dreams I had was the fact that Jim was absent. And I had this uneasy guilty feeling about hanging out with these other dudes, even though I have no recollection of the actual going’s-on.

Whelp.. I didn’t intend to rehash my entire (un) romantic history, but there you go.

It’s almost mid-month and I have once again not done all the things I said I was going to do in October.

What I did do (that was not a part of my plan) was spend time putting together a poetry manuscript for sending out to potential publishers. I ran across a familiar name in Submittable and the deadline is October 18. And I’d rather be working on my writing than almost anything else. So that happened.

A friend of mine agreed to give it a good once over for editing and I was able to send it to her last night.

Today my set list includes GLR catch up and other various house chores. Oh, and I promised to help my darling daughter with her photography homework. Which translates loosely to needing a shower so I can be photo ready.

What’s not in the cards for today is eating more pizza. Nope. Not because of the crazy dreams, mind you. But because it’s Taco Tuesday. 🌮🌮🌮

Peace and Love Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!


Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-26 A Dreamy Reminder about the Path I’m On, and Why

Might have had a dream about you last night. Which was really a dream about me where you happened to make an appearance.

Engaged in conversation about nothing in particular you gestured to the patch of grey hair that has appeared just above the hairline around your ear. Yeah, we’re all getting there together and no person is immune to the human condition.

I’m sure you were trying to make me feel better about all the ways my body reminds me that I’m getting older, no matter how young my spirit feels. Or maybe you were letting me know that you’re still with me, In case I lose my way again and am in need of your lighthouse guiding me back to our path. A trail you’ve been blazing for as long as Ive known you, your steps digging a trench so deep you’ll never be able to climb out.

Maybe that path is not the way to our shared true north but a viscous circle of madness. Perhaps your purpose was not to save me but the other way around. And I have failed so far to rescue you.

It occurs to me now that while certain outcomes for ‘us’ are no longer within the realm of possibility, I may have more power than ever to help guide you out to sea. The world being on fire, there’s no better time to find a boat and venture out.

Or perhaps it’s never meant to be. I have lots of other important business to attend to anyway. Giving love, writing poetry, and raising my babies. If there’s one gift I can give them it will be the knowledge that they should go their own ways and follow their hearts passions.

Alas, children are stubborn and often don’t listen to their parents anyhow, so I can’t be held responsible for their choices.

I digress.

Whatever the reason, it was sweet of you to show up last night among the chirping squirrels and broken Keurig coffee makers without cups endlessly spilling water onto the counter and floor.

Thanks also for showing up when you did, in real life. My life has turned out tremendously better since I met you.

That’s all I got for now.
Stay Frosty,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-17 Restless Sleep and Unsettling Dreams

Everyday I wake up and check my FitBit. What kind of sleep did I get? What’s my sleep score and how many hours and minutes did the Bit think I was asleep?

Everyday there is an advertisement (of course) to try the “premium” version that promises more insights. These are troubled times, reports the app, so they are graciously offering a 90 day free trial. Maybe it was 60 or 30. I don’t remember. I typically dismiss that shit cuz I’m not interested in paying for “insights”. But yesterday I took the bait.

Friends, if I could only remind myself to cancel the subscription before the free trial runs out, it will be a miracle indeed. So what does one get for 9.99 a month? In short, a breakdown of the sleep score calculation. It’s based on movement, heart rate, and what I can only guess is some science stuff that shows how much REM sleep I’m getting.

More specifically, the three categories are: Time asleep, deep and REM, and restoration. Last night my score was 82 (which is good).

50% of the score is based on time asleep. I scored 43 out of 50. I wonder how many hours you have to sleep to get all 50 points? (I was 2 minutes shy of 7 full hours).

25% of the score comes from how much deep and REM sleep you get. Last night I scored 19 out of 25 and had 1 hour and 11 minutes in these stages of sleep. Deep and REM are different stages and they must add them up.

The last 25% is restoration which sounds nebulous but it’s actually the most interesting to me. You wear the FitBit all the time so it’s always collecting your heart rate. Walking, workouts, couch time, sexy time, and during sleep. It uses this to calculate your resting heart rate. This is a good indicator of heart health by the way.

When you sleep, your heart rate is also being measured and the calculation for restlessness is based on the percentage of time asleep when your heart rate was above and below that resting heart rate.

My resting heart rate used last night was 62 bpm (beats per minute). I spent 79% of my sleep time below that threshold and the other 21% above. Somehow that equates to 9% restless and a score of 20 out of 25. I’m not quite sure what the math is behind that but it’s cool right?!

It IS cool. But is it 10 bucks a month cool? I don’t think so. I mean, unless I can actually have some insight on how to improve my score (besides sleep aid drugs), it’s just numbers. Still, worth getting the free trial to learn these little details. Thanks FitBit!

Now to the second half of this blog post which answers the question… Why so restless?

The answer is dreams man.

The dreams I had were not nightmares. Just slightly disturbing. I can recall three distinct scenarios.

Dream One: Princess KK took over my job leading the team and I did some unsavory things that I felt guilty about. Not sure if I tried to sabotage her efforts in some way as that was not revealed in the dream. All I know is that I felt bad about what I had done and tried to confess to her.

This one is so spot on with my current work sitch. Not the sabotage part but KK has taken her place leading the team and I feel a bit minimized and unimportant. Perhaps I was dreaming of ways to usurp her authority and that’s what made me feel guilty. I’m only human right?!

Dream number two: My ex friend Erika’s husband was in some room with me and I was trying to explain to him how his dog (they always have big dogs) was also owned by my friend Kevin. Kevin named the dog Husker and the dog had become racist. I was apologizing for that too, as if it was my fault the dog had undergone these changes. Why in the world would I feel guilty about that and need to apologize??!! Stupid dream!

Dream number three was pretty basic. A girl from my past, let’s call her “the wild card”, cuz she was bat-shit crazy contacted me out of the blue. Maybe it was a message that popped up on my phone. She was like “hey, what’s up?” And I was immediately in a fix. Do I respond? What could she want? Why now after all these years? Didn’t she put me through enough? Why was she still in my contacts? My curiosity wanted to respond but I was afraid that would lead to a rekindling of our friendship and that’s a big fucking Pandora’s box. That’s all I remember.

That one makes sense too because I have an app on my phone called “GroupMe” that some of the MFAers in my class use to message each other. The only other thread I have in that app is one with the Wild Card. I was super surprised to find that when I downloaded the app and logged in last December during Residency that my history had been retained. My last message from said girl was April 1, 2011. The group thread was called “People Who Like Dancing”.

Yeah, we had some good times but I’m the end, I could not handle the responsibility of her. Gawd, that sounds terrible. I swear I’m not a bad person. Despite my dreams trying to convince you otherwise. Ha!

Yesterday I was looking closer at this thread and showing my daughter Z and asking her if she remembered the girl and her son (who was my kids’ age). Z was only 9 at the time and remembered enough to agree with my decision to cut ties. She said “yeah mom, good call.”

But those dreams!!! No wonder I was restless. Still, a sleep score of 82 is not bad. Whatever. 🤷‍♀️

It’s Friday and I’m teetering on the edge of the number of hours I’m supposed to work this week so imma use that as an excuse to get out of a late afternoon torture session thats all about estimating story points. It’s a dev thing. I’m not a developer so I don’t have much to contribute anyway. Though I could dial in and try and sabotage Princess KK. If my dream came true, I could call myself clairvoyant.

Ok. That’s enough nonsense for one day. If you got this far, I commend you and your attention span!

Happy Friday Ya’ll
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-31 The Play By Play +

I spent 6+ hours yesterday breaking up and shoveling chunks of ice down the driveway. I spent 6+ hours doing that instead of all the other stuff on my to-do list because, well, it just needed doing. In some places the ice was 2+ inches thick and we’ve been buying ice melt like it’s the new black.

The trick, EH tells me, is to put down little piles of it so when it melts through the water and chemicals will get under the ice and start working to detach it from the cement. A very helpful life hack, by the way. It would help if we had a nice easy sloped driveway so that gravity was also on our side, which it is at the end of the driveway but for the Most part it’s flat, so there is no place for the water to go.

That’s what I spent those hours on… ushering the wannabe water down the driveway into the street before it all melts and just sits there waiting for another freeze so it can be ice again. What’s up with THAT identity crisis?! That’s Nebraska.

In related news, it’s going to be in the 50’s and sunny on Sunday. Wowza!! A girl could not ask for better weather for her winter wedding in Nebraska! I could not in a million years have predicted that. But, it’s just icing you know. I’m already getting to marry the man of my dreams. Everything else is small stuff.

Anyway, there are 2+ consequences for my actions for yesterday. First, I’m sore as hell. Everything hurts. Ugh! Second is the fact that I was still cleaning and doing special house chores at like 9pm. Nothing like cleaning toilets at 9pm. Ugh! After that, we ran through the script together to put our collective finishing comments in, for which I was already too brain dead to care. An hour of talking later and I got the bed.

The “plus” in the two plus would be the shitty nights sleep. Despite getting 7.5 hours and FitBit giving it the score of 80 (which is supposed to be good) it was rotten. I had strange wired dreams all night long.

In one, I was in a mall and ran into my ex and we started walking and talking, there’s nothing particularly nightmarish about that but the vibe was no bueno. I also had the eerie sense I was going to be stuck wandering that mall for the rest of my life. Ewwww.

In another dream I was back in residency but had elected to skip about half of the sessions and was in a tight spot, knowing I was going to fail. What’s worse is that I missed the required session, a new bit where we were trained on how to master some random carnival game that involved shooting. Yes, because that’s essential to get a masters in creative writing. 😂

I almost don’t want to say what happened next, but remember, it’s just a dream. I went into a room that was set up for practicing this new skill, but it looked more like a tiny doctors office with an exam table. I was so tired, I left the lights off and decided it would be a good place to take a nap, so I climbed on the exam table.

A couple of folks came in and flipped on the light, and the only thing I remember after that is reading a sign on the wall saying that no masturbation was allowed in the room. Omg. Thinking about that now it seems super funny, but In the dream I was mortified. 😱🤣

I woke up after each dream needing to use the bathroom and then trying to go back to sleep. The last one was similar to the second dream in that it was related to my MFA. It had something to do with having a conversation with one of the mentors. She was giving me advice, or maybe reading tarot cards for me. I don’t remember. Again not a bad dream, per se, but a negative vibe.

At 4am my brain started to race about all the stuff that still needs to get done today. I took a half a Xanax and went back to sleep. I slept until 7. And now your all caught up on the play by play from yesterday to right efffing now.

Right now (2 days to go yo!! 💃), I’m getting what will likely be my last treadmill session before all the things with all the stuff start happening. Literally. Just about every minute is accounted for and I’m already exhausted. Jim is off today so the first order of business is grocery shopping for food for the party tomorrow. After that we divide and conquer our respective tasks.

By about 1, we should be wrapping that up and I need to scoot my booty out west for getting my nails done with my friend Sam. Let me tell you, they really need it. Right now though, I would trade that in a heartbeat for a full body massage. Oh my aching body.

That’s probably enough wandering the streets of the a SugarCookie brain for one morning. It’s Go Time!

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-12-20 The Answer is Pizza 🍕

You know how sometimes in life you get a feeling or a vibe or you notice a trend or a connection that defies explanation but you just know in your gut that there is something to it? Like intuition about something that makes no sense or random deja vu. There’s a reason we have a word like deja vu. It’s because it’s common enough to warrant trying to define and consequently universally understood. It is because of this that we know there IS something to it and it’s a part of the sort of mystical, unexplainable part of the human experience. Of course we are all different and have different experiences and so not all of it translates as easily from one person to the next. Take for example my pizza phenomenon.

I have noticed over the years (that’s right, not days or weeks or months but for years) that when I eat pizza, I have vivid dreams that are strange and also that I tend to remember in the morning. Now I’m not sure if the pizza is activating a part of my brain to trigger the strangeness of the dreams or if I am always having strange dreams and the pizza is just allowing me to remember. I typically don’t remember my dreams so the latter is definitely a possibility.

All this to say, I had pizza yesterday and my dreams were wacky and full of flair and emotion and epiphanies and I woke at 5:30AM from a seemingly endless night of half-sleep where I felt like I was trying really hard all night long to retain slivers of storyline just so I could try and remember in the waking hours of the day. Sadly, those slivers are all that are left, but It’s just enough to make me wonder what my brain was trying to puzzle out in the middle of the night.

In the first dream, I owned a tiny house on the edge of a ravine or on a low cliff and my daughter was there with me. I had moved several heavy pieces of furniture and there was some external conflict but I can’t recall with who or about what. Just that moving the furniture was shifting enough weight in the house to make it tip on it’s side and slide down, in kind of a tumble to the bottom of the ravine. It was scary when it happened but my daughter and I survived in some room that miraculously did not get crushed in the fall. We then climbed out and back up the hill to confront those unknown, unnamed people about the incident.

That is all I can recall about that one, but the exhilaration of being in the house as it fell was quite a rush and of all the dreams, that was the one I wanted to hang on to the most, so I think I kept thinking about it even as I experienced the other dreams, as if I was thinking about my first dream as I was actively engaged in the others.

The only thing I remember about the second dream was that the setting was in a mall or retail store or something, which was very brightly lit and there were lots of racks of clothing. There were a few women there, presumably owners or managers and after some back and forth conversation with them, they decided I should work for them as a model. I think it was a pretty fancy-pants kind of place with high end merch and they acted like it would be a big deal for my career if I took on the job. They were trying to convince me and I remember thinking in my head that it was no big deal. I mean, after all, it was not as if I had never modeled before. I did that one gig for Omaha Fashion Week that one time (true story) so shrugged and accepted their offer. That was it for that one.

In the third dream I was hanging out with a guy friend who I had known for years from hanging out in the same tech circles. I don’t remember what we were doing.. shopping or having a meal or something and I remember talking about like nerd stuff, our jobs and Star Wars and whatever and all of a sudden I realized that I could be in love with this person. Like after all that time being friends I was like “whoa.. there’s something here!!”. That was trippy. And in the dream I started having a daydream about the future. About taking things to the next level with this dude. That’s about the time I was stirred awake by the house alarm being disarmed by Jim who could not sleep and got up to work on work stuff.

After I got up to confirm that really was the beeping I heard from the alarm, I went back to bed. I just laid there thinking about these crazy dreams and wondered what it all could mean. And why so many and why now? Then I realized the answer was there all along and the answer is Pizza.

But as it is with most grand questions in life, the answer only leads to more questions. Like why Pizza??!! 🍕

Probably the answer to that lies somewhere deep in my brain, on a note in the pocket of the blue overalls of some tall and lovingly goofy Italian plumber. Oh Luigi.. you had me at hello.

That’s enough mystical musing for today. It’s Friday ya’ll and the weekend is minutes away. Cheers to that!

Peace and Love,

~Miss MarshmallowRiceCrispyCaramelBall

(Which is what happens when a Marshmallow marries a RiceCrispy and then they get a divorce and she marries a Caramel and they have about 3 dozen kids).