2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!


Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-26 A Dreamy Reminder about the Path I’m On, and Why

Might have had a dream about you last night. Which was really a dream about me where you happened to make an appearance.

Engaged in conversation about nothing in particular you gestured to the patch of grey hair that has appeared just above the hairline around your ear. Yeah, we’re all getting there together and no person is immune to the human condition.

I’m sure you were trying to make me feel better about all the ways my body reminds me that I’m getting older, no matter how young my spirit feels. Or maybe you were letting me know that you’re still with me, In case I lose my way again and am in need of your lighthouse guiding me back to our path. A trail you’ve been blazing for as long as Ive known you, your steps digging a trench so deep you’ll never be able to climb out.

Maybe that path is not the way to our shared true north but a viscous circle of madness. Perhaps your purpose was not to save me but the other way around. And I have failed so far to rescue you.

It occurs to me now that while certain outcomes for ‘us’ are no longer within the realm of possibility, I may have more power than ever to help guide you out to sea. The world being on fire, there’s no better time to find a boat and venture out.

Or perhaps it’s never meant to be. I have lots of other important business to attend to anyway. Giving love, writing poetry, and raising my babies. If there’s one gift I can give them it will be the knowledge that they should go their own ways and follow their hearts passions.

Alas, children are stubborn and often don’t listen to their parents anyhow, so I can’t be held responsible for their choices.

I digress.

Whatever the reason, it was sweet of you to show up last night among the chirping squirrels and broken Keurig coffee makers without cups endlessly spilling water onto the counter and floor.

Thanks also for showing up when you did, in real life. My life has turned out tremendously better since I met you.

That’s all I got for now.
Stay Frosty,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-17 Restless Sleep and Unsettling Dreams

Everyday I wake up and check my FitBit. What kind of sleep did I get? What’s my sleep score and how many hours and minutes did the Bit think I was asleep?

Everyday there is an advertisement (of course) to try the “premium” version that promises more insights. These are troubled times, reports the app, so they are graciously offering a 90 day free trial. Maybe it was 60 or 30. I don’t remember. I typically dismiss that shit cuz I’m not interested in paying for “insights”. But yesterday I took the bait.

Friends, if I could only remind myself to cancel the subscription before the free trial runs out, it will be a miracle indeed. So what does one get for 9.99 a month? In short, a breakdown of the sleep score calculation. It’s based on movement, heart rate, and what I can only guess is some science stuff that shows how much REM sleep I’m getting.

More specifically, the three categories are: Time asleep, deep and REM, and restoration. Last night my score was 82 (which is good).

50% of the score is based on time asleep. I scored 43 out of 50. I wonder how many hours you have to sleep to get all 50 points? (I was 2 minutes shy of 7 full hours).

25% of the score comes from how much deep and REM sleep you get. Last night I scored 19 out of 25 and had 1 hour and 11 minutes in these stages of sleep. Deep and REM are different stages and they must add them up.

The last 25% is restoration which sounds nebulous but it’s actually the most interesting to me. You wear the FitBit all the time so it’s always collecting your heart rate. Walking, workouts, couch time, sexy time, and during sleep. It uses this to calculate your resting heart rate. This is a good indicator of heart health by the way.

When you sleep, your heart rate is also being measured and the calculation for restlessness is based on the percentage of time asleep when your heart rate was above and below that resting heart rate.

My resting heart rate used last night was 62 bpm (beats per minute). I spent 79% of my sleep time below that threshold and the other 21% above. Somehow that equates to 9% restless and a score of 20 out of 25. I’m not quite sure what the math is behind that but it’s cool right?!

It IS cool. But is it 10 bucks a month cool? I don’t think so. I mean, unless I can actually have some insight on how to improve my score (besides sleep aid drugs), it’s just numbers. Still, worth getting the free trial to learn these little details. Thanks FitBit!

Now to the second half of this blog post which answers the question… Why so restless?

The answer is dreams man.

The dreams I had were not nightmares. Just slightly disturbing. I can recall three distinct scenarios.

Dream One: Princess KK took over my job leading the team and I did some unsavory things that I felt guilty about. Not sure if I tried to sabotage her efforts in some way as that was not revealed in the dream. All I know is that I felt bad about what I had done and tried to confess to her.

This one is so spot on with my current work sitch. Not the sabotage part but KK has taken her place leading the team and I feel a bit minimized and unimportant. Perhaps I was dreaming of ways to usurp her authority and that’s what made me feel guilty. I’m only human right?!

Dream number two: My ex friend Erika’s husband was in some room with me and I was trying to explain to him how his dog (they always have big dogs) was also owned by my friend Kevin. Kevin named the dog Husker and the dog had become racist. I was apologizing for that too, as if it was my fault the dog had undergone these changes. Why in the world would I feel guilty about that and need to apologize??!! Stupid dream!

Dream number three was pretty basic. A girl from my past, let’s call her “the wild card”, cuz she was bat-shit crazy contacted me out of the blue. Maybe it was a message that popped up on my phone. She was like “hey, what’s up?” And I was immediately in a fix. Do I respond? What could she want? Why now after all these years? Didn’t she put me through enough? Why was she still in my contacts? My curiosity wanted to respond but I was afraid that would lead to a rekindling of our friendship and that’s a big fucking Pandora’s box. That’s all I remember.

That one makes sense too because I have an app on my phone called “GroupMe” that some of the MFAers in my class use to message each other. The only other thread I have in that app is one with the Wild Card. I was super surprised to find that when I downloaded the app and logged in last December during Residency that my history had been retained. My last message from said girl was April 1, 2011. The group thread was called “People Who Like Dancing”.

Yeah, we had some good times but I’m the end, I could not handle the responsibility of her. Gawd, that sounds terrible. I swear I’m not a bad person. Despite my dreams trying to convince you otherwise. Ha!

Yesterday I was looking closer at this thread and showing my daughter Z and asking her if she remembered the girl and her son (who was my kids’ age). Z was only 9 at the time and remembered enough to agree with my decision to cut ties. She said “yeah mom, good call.”

But those dreams!!! No wonder I was restless. Still, a sleep score of 82 is not bad. Whatever. 🤷‍♀️

It’s Friday and I’m teetering on the edge of the number of hours I’m supposed to work this week so imma use that as an excuse to get out of a late afternoon torture session thats all about estimating story points. It’s a dev thing. I’m not a developer so I don’t have much to contribute anyway. Though I could dial in and try and sabotage Princess KK. If my dream came true, I could call myself clairvoyant.

Ok. That’s enough nonsense for one day. If you got this far, I commend you and your attention span!

Happy Friday Ya’ll
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-31 The Play By Play +

I spent 6+ hours yesterday breaking up and shoveling chunks of ice down the driveway. I spent 6+ hours doing that instead of all the other stuff on my to-do list because, well, it just needed doing. In some places the ice was 2+ inches thick and we’ve been buying ice melt like it’s the new black.

The trick, EH tells me, is to put down little piles of it so when it melts through the water and chemicals will get under the ice and start working to detach it from the cement. A very helpful life hack, by the way. It would help if we had a nice easy sloped driveway so that gravity was also on our side, which it is at the end of the driveway but for the Most part it’s flat, so there is no place for the water to go.

That’s what I spent those hours on… ushering the wannabe water down the driveway into the street before it all melts and just sits there waiting for another freeze so it can be ice again. What’s up with THAT identity crisis?! That’s Nebraska.

In related news, it’s going to be in the 50’s and sunny on Sunday. Wowza!! A girl could not ask for better weather for her winter wedding in Nebraska! I could not in a million years have predicted that. But, it’s just icing you know. I’m already getting to marry the man of my dreams. Everything else is small stuff.

Anyway, there are 2+ consequences for my actions for yesterday. First, I’m sore as hell. Everything hurts. Ugh! Second is the fact that I was still cleaning and doing special house chores at like 9pm. Nothing like cleaning toilets at 9pm. Ugh! After that, we ran through the script together to put our collective finishing comments in, for which I was already too brain dead to care. An hour of talking later and I got the bed.

The “plus” in the two plus would be the shitty nights sleep. Despite getting 7.5 hours and FitBit giving it the score of 80 (which is supposed to be good) it was rotten. I had strange wired dreams all night long.

In one, I was in a mall and ran into my ex and we started walking and talking, there’s nothing particularly nightmarish about that but the vibe was no bueno. I also had the eerie sense I was going to be stuck wandering that mall for the rest of my life. Ewwww.

In another dream I was back in residency but had elected to skip about half of the sessions and was in a tight spot, knowing I was going to fail. What’s worse is that I missed the required session, a new bit where we were trained on how to master some random carnival game that involved shooting. Yes, because that’s essential to get a masters in creative writing. 😂

I almost don’t want to say what happened next, but remember, it’s just a dream. I went into a room that was set up for practicing this new skill, but it looked more like a tiny doctors office with an exam table. I was so tired, I left the lights off and decided it would be a good place to take a nap, so I climbed on the exam table.

A couple of folks came in and flipped on the light, and the only thing I remember after that is reading a sign on the wall saying that no masturbation was allowed in the room. Omg. Thinking about that now it seems super funny, but In the dream I was mortified. 😱🤣

I woke up after each dream needing to use the bathroom and then trying to go back to sleep. The last one was similar to the second dream in that it was related to my MFA. It had something to do with having a conversation with one of the mentors. She was giving me advice, or maybe reading tarot cards for me. I don’t remember. Again not a bad dream, per se, but a negative vibe.

At 4am my brain started to race about all the stuff that still needs to get done today. I took a half a Xanax and went back to sleep. I slept until 7. And now your all caught up on the play by play from yesterday to right efffing now.

Right now (2 days to go yo!! 💃), I’m getting what will likely be my last treadmill session before all the things with all the stuff start happening. Literally. Just about every minute is accounted for and I’m already exhausted. Jim is off today so the first order of business is grocery shopping for food for the party tomorrow. After that we divide and conquer our respective tasks.

By about 1, we should be wrapping that up and I need to scoot my booty out west for getting my nails done with my friend Sam. Let me tell you, they really need it. Right now though, I would trade that in a heartbeat for a full body massage. Oh my aching body.

That’s probably enough wandering the streets of the a SugarCookie brain for one morning. It’s Go Time!

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-12-20 The Answer is Pizza 🍕

You know how sometimes in life you get a feeling or a vibe or you notice a trend or a connection that defies explanation but you just know in your gut that there is something to it? Like intuition about something that makes no sense or random deja vu. There’s a reason we have a word like deja vu. It’s because it’s common enough to warrant trying to define and consequently universally understood. It is because of this that we know there IS something to it and it’s a part of the sort of mystical, unexplainable part of the human experience. Of course we are all different and have different experiences and so not all of it translates as easily from one person to the next. Take for example my pizza phenomenon.

I have noticed over the years (that’s right, not days or weeks or months but for years) that when I eat pizza, I have vivid dreams that are strange and also that I tend to remember in the morning. Now I’m not sure if the pizza is activating a part of my brain to trigger the strangeness of the dreams or if I am always having strange dreams and the pizza is just allowing me to remember. I typically don’t remember my dreams so the latter is definitely a possibility.

All this to say, I had pizza yesterday and my dreams were wacky and full of flair and emotion and epiphanies and I woke at 5:30AM from a seemingly endless night of half-sleep where I felt like I was trying really hard all night long to retain slivers of storyline just so I could try and remember in the waking hours of the day. Sadly, those slivers are all that are left, but It’s just enough to make me wonder what my brain was trying to puzzle out in the middle of the night.

In the first dream, I owned a tiny house on the edge of a ravine or on a low cliff and my daughter was there with me. I had moved several heavy pieces of furniture and there was some external conflict but I can’t recall with who or about what. Just that moving the furniture was shifting enough weight in the house to make it tip on it’s side and slide down, in kind of a tumble to the bottom of the ravine. It was scary when it happened but my daughter and I survived in some room that miraculously did not get crushed in the fall. We then climbed out and back up the hill to confront those unknown, unnamed people about the incident.

That is all I can recall about that one, but the exhilaration of being in the house as it fell was quite a rush and of all the dreams, that was the one I wanted to hang on to the most, so I think I kept thinking about it even as I experienced the other dreams, as if I was thinking about my first dream as I was actively engaged in the others.

The only thing I remember about the second dream was that the setting was in a mall or retail store or something, which was very brightly lit and there were lots of racks of clothing. There were a few women there, presumably owners or managers and after some back and forth conversation with them, they decided I should work for them as a model. I think it was a pretty fancy-pants kind of place with high end merch and they acted like it would be a big deal for my career if I took on the job. They were trying to convince me and I remember thinking in my head that it was no big deal. I mean, after all, it was not as if I had never modeled before. I did that one gig for Omaha Fashion Week that one time (true story) so shrugged and accepted their offer. That was it for that one.

In the third dream I was hanging out with a guy friend who I had known for years from hanging out in the same tech circles. I don’t remember what we were doing.. shopping or having a meal or something and I remember talking about like nerd stuff, our jobs and Star Wars and whatever and all of a sudden I realized that I could be in love with this person. Like after all that time being friends I was like “whoa.. there’s something here!!”. That was trippy. And in the dream I started having a daydream about the future. About taking things to the next level with this dude. That’s about the time I was stirred awake by the house alarm being disarmed by Jim who could not sleep and got up to work on work stuff.

After I got up to confirm that really was the beeping I heard from the alarm, I went back to bed. I just laid there thinking about these crazy dreams and wondered what it all could mean. And why so many and why now? Then I realized the answer was there all along and the answer is Pizza.

But as it is with most grand questions in life, the answer only leads to more questions. Like why Pizza??!! 🍕

Probably the answer to that lies somewhere deep in my brain, on a note in the pocket of the blue overalls of some tall and lovingly goofy Italian plumber. Oh Luigi.. you had me at hello.

That’s enough mystical musing for today. It’s Friday ya’ll and the weekend is minutes away. Cheers to that!

Peace and Love,

~Miss MarshmallowRiceCrispyCaramelBall

(Which is what happens when a Marshmallow marries a RiceCrispy and then they get a divorce and she marries a Caramel and they have about 3 dozen kids).

2019-08-15 Nightmares and the Spoken Poem

I don’t have much to muse about today. I could ponder longer the nightmare that I had last night which was super creepy but I kinda don’t want it to linger any longer than necessary. What was interesting was that I was having trouble falling asleep and at about midnight I got up and went upstairs to grab my phone off the charger where I keep it overnight (I don’t usually keep it by my bed anymore .. to tempt me into distractions). I brought it down to put the noise app on thinking that might help with my sleep.

Last I checked my Fitbit the time was 12:10. Incredibly I was stirred awake less than half an hour later by the aforementioned nightmare. I woke up and looked at my Fitbit and it was 12:38. That means that I fell asleep and fell into REM sleep and had a dream all in like 25 minutes. Who knows how long dreams actually last but it felt like a long sequence. It makes me wonder if we dream in fast motion. Is our brain playing out a scene that in real life would take 10 minutes in like 1 or 2?

I don’t have much insight from the Fitbit app interpretation of my sleep cycles other than the confirmation that I was in REM around that time. I also had a spike in heart rate which is another stat that is tracked. I’m like, no shit, that dream was terrifying, no wonder my HR was elevated. It was one of those that was so real so when you wake you’re all like over the top grateful that it was a dream. Why does our brain make nightmares. What is THAT about anyway?

***

Today the kids are back in school and I have the whole day to work on reading and writing. After my morning walk and Jazzercise, I’m gonna get down into it.

Tonight there is another poetry reading I want to attend. I know two of the readers, sort of, and am interested in hearing them read. I find that some poems are better read on the page and some are better heard out loud. I can definitely say that I’ve written a few that I think really suck on the page but with a little performance they kind of “pop”.

I enjoy slam poetry events too but sometimes I feel like the poems all end up sounding the same. Same topics, same drama, same voice. People don’t slam about their gardens and actual love poems are rare. It seems to be that slam poems and the rest of the written discourse doesn’t intersect very much. Perhaps that’s just a green assessment from someone with fairly limited exposure.

Whatever.

That’s all I got today..Time to Jam.

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-03-29 Those are Not My Cats

This morning I woke up in the middle of a dream where I had just realized my cats were standing next to each other and they were not hissing in offense or defense. I was all like “hey, look at that! Do you see that?” And the cats in my dream did not look like my cats. They weren’t my cats but in my dream they were. What’s even stranger than that is that I was with my ex-mother-in-law who was showing me some cool new feature on the iPhone that makes it super easy to share pictures and videos.

She had some thing she wanted to share with me that had to do with the kids and I just didn’t know how I was going to access it. She was showing me the settings to change to turn on this super cool new sharing feature and then I got distracted by the cats, amazed that they were both just sitting there like normal cats. When I said “do you see that?” I’m confident I was saying it to Jim, so he must have been with us but I never saw him in the dream. Then I woke up.

Now I haven’t seen or talked to my exMIL in years. I was always her favorite DIL (she had 3), right up to the day we told her we were ending our marriage and I ruined her sons life and her picture perfect family. Well, yeah, on the surface things always look perfect because that’s what we’re programmed to do. Beneith that thin veneer, though, were secrets, lies, grief, alchoholism, and infidelity.

The day we broke the news she said to me “you are a strong woman and you can get through this, I survived and so can you”. WTF was that supposed to mean? It took me a bit of time to put the pieces together enough to recognize that she had gone through much of the same things I was experiencing. They stuck it out and managed to maintain that picture we are all taught to believe is the ideal life. Perhaps by then things were back to good for them, that there was an end to the very dark tunnel I was in. But I was not going to try any longer or waste any more time on what felt like a lost cause. A marriage isn’t supposed to be a “cause” anyway, it’s supposed to be a partnership.

No, I said “F that noise”. She was right about one thing.. I’m a strong woman. I was strong enough to leave her son and take my life back. It was a hard road, but I did it. Sometimes one day and one step at a time, and of course I’m still alive and tied to that part of my life and my ex through our beautiful children so the struggle is still challenging at times.

Like I said, I haven’t seen my ex-husband’s mom in years. I’m not sure why she showed up in my dream now and why she would be the one showing me a cool new iPhone feature when she was always technologically challenged (and I’m the engineer). Does that mean I have unresolved issues with that family? Does it mean I should hold on to hope for my cats actually getting along? Does it mean I should look into getting a new phone? Dreams are so strange. 😜

It’s Friday again.. and I’m so ready for the weekend. I’ve worked a full week already and am ready to forget all that and enjoy doing a whole lot of nothing important with my sweetie for a couple of days. We’re prolly gonna be doing a careful balancing act between binge watching shows, vacation planning, and getting stuff done around the house. It may not be the most exciting thing in the world but it’s far superior to the alternatives my stupid dream-brain has forced me to think about.

Time to Jam,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-01-04 Dream-State Writing

Twice yesterday, from different sources, I was given the advice of writing first thing in the day. The first instance was in a lecture where the person giving the talk was explaining that when a person first wakes up, and their mind is still transitioning from the subconscious state of dreaming to the conscious state of being awake, it is the perfect opportunity to write. She said that when you are in that transition, which she called the “Dream-state” (I think), the logical thinking brain has not yet taken over the thought processes. It is the perfect opportunity to write and capitalize on a heightened, potentially more creative and open position the mind is in.

The second instance was when I met with Teri, my mentor from last semester and she urged me to take time each morning, whether it be over my morning coffee or before getting to work on anything else, and just write. Of course her advice was more about just carving out time to do that than anything else I think, but both sources provide a solid argument toward the same end.

I’ve been writing in the mornings about 90 percent of the time. I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily taking advantage of the state of my consciousness though as the burden of my waking state is an almost immediate “on” switch for my logical brain. The moment I open my eyes the wheels start to turn. I’m not sure this is a thing I can control, but perhaps as my life and priorities change I can “learn” how to change it.

Interestingly enough, I started this blog post yesterday afternoon after spending the whole day lost in a bunch of small tasks I was doing to try and make myself feel more productive with .. something. My thoughts all morning we’re about how I was procrastinating doing “actual” work and also about the dream I was having when Jim’s alarm clock went off.

I have an alarm in my phone I set when I’m with the kids and it’s “just in case” I sleep all the way to 7am. I have to wake them at 7. I typically wake before that though, so I’m not used to being abruptly jarred from a sleeping state. Jim’s alarm goes off before my body and mind are ready and I don’t like it. Two mornings in a row I was dreaming when the alarm went off.

So connecting the dots with the idea of taking advantage of a semi-conscious dream state when first waking, I may try to turn the alarm frown upside down by grabbing a notebook when that alarm goes off and write for 20 minutes. The last two mornings, my musings would have been all about the dreams I was having.

In my other blog, I have a category called “from the maker of dreams” and when I have written a dream out into story form, that’s where those are filed. It might be more appropriate to transition those stories to this blog. I think too much about organization and categorization and collection and definition and labels. So what though I guess, that’s just me.

Yesterday my dream was a very clear and cohesive story which seemed to have a point and purpose and was really going somewhere. Sometimes dreams don’t make any sense, but this one made complete sense and I think worth exploring a little. It was so vivid I recounted it at the breakfast table to Jim and that solidified it in my mind. I don’t have enough time now to write it out (it was long and involved) but the theme was very dystopian (or perhaps just alternate reality) and the scene opened with me in a long line/group of women having a small amount of personal effects/essentials gathered in our arms evaluated and scrutinized before allowing us to proceed. As if that was all we were going to be allowed to take with us where we were being sent. Yeah, worth writing out for sure.

Today’s dream was less impactful, more random and more ordinary. I was going to a music concert and had two tickets though I was alone. There was a rush to get to the stage when they opened the doors despite the fact that the seats were numbered. I was in the front row, number 27 and of course the seat next to me was vacant. I offered the girl who ushered me to my seat the open seat and she smiled and thanked me and said she had to get back to doing her job. The most noteworthy thing in the dream would probably be the ride I had to take in the elevator to get down to the concert floor level. the fact that it was insignificant in the dream was significant because riding in elevators in my dreams never, never has ended well before. They typically turn into nightmares, actually, so the fact that I got on and off and didn’t even remember that was part of the dream (at first) was interesting.

Anyway, my thoughts are scattered now, a triangulation between dreams and writing and reality. Reality being work and responsibility and the fact that it’s almost 10 and just like yesterday, I haven’t started work yet. Last week I used the holiday as an excuse of why I only worked 4 hours all week and this week I’ve barely worked that much and it’s already Friday. I’m running out of excuses. If I start now and work until 2, that will be 4 more hours, but that feels horrible. Ugh! Lots more to say on EVERYTHING.. alas I must stop here.

Clash, the Titans Whisper in their Dreams,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-08-29 Elevator Nightmares

I would not say I necessarily have any re-occurring dreams or nightmares but I definitely have reoccurring themes within them. I could probably go on and on about dreams but it almost always seems like a silly thing to spend time writing about. I mean, the question of what it all means will never really be answered and it’s like a dream itself in that the thoughts about it are fleeting and quickly forgotten.

Every once in a while though I have one that’s so crystal clear that it lingers. Last night (or rather this morning), I had one just before I woke up and it had one of the classic elements that appears frequently in my dreams, which is the inclusion of an elevator. It’s always bad news.

This time I was going for a job interview in a building and the appointment was on the 5th or 6th floor. I made it up to the lobby of that floor just fine but realized a little too late that I had forgotten to put a new top on. That’s right – I was topmess. I’m sitting in the lobby waiting to be introduced to my interviewer holding my arm up to my chest so as not to expose my bare breasts. I was horrified but also apparently equally horrified by the proposition of going back to my car to get my top and being late for the appointment. What? Cuz being late is worse than being topless ??!!

So then the administrative assistant came out into the lobby with the dude I was meeting and he took a look at me and said “we’re done here”. I was mortified. After that I decided to go back to my car to finish getting dressed (thank goodness) and proceeded to think I could somehow explain my way out of the situation.

I went back in the building, now fully clothed, and got on the elevator with the intent of going to the 5th or 6th floor. I spent the rest of the Dream in that elevator. The doors would open and close, People got on with me off agaun, and I even had conversations with them but I never landed on the floor I wanted and never got out.

There was a floor with a gym, which was really cool. It was my gym too so if I were to get a job there, I could join those people every day. I thought about how great of an idea that was, to have a gym in the same building where you work. Another floor was a daycare. Then there were other floors with offices and I People who got on with whom I tried to explain my situation and reasoning I was going to use to explain to mr. Interviewer why I showed up half naked.

They all found the floors they were looking for without any trouble. Finally I was on floor 4 and going up and was sure the next stop was redemption. But the elevator just kept going up, up. The girl next to me said she was going to 22. “Great”, I said.

As we neared that floor the elevator started to sway and I realized for the first time that there was a window to the outside. I’d been in tall buildings before and had felt the sway of the building being up so high. She said “yeah, that happens up here”. Then it got worse.

The building was tipping and bending and I was stuck in the damn elevator staring out at other buildings were were about to collide with. Defying the laws of nature, the building recovered and started swaying back up again. She said, “you get used to that working here”. Then it started to sway back toward the ground and this time I could see the ground rising up and was sure the building was going to snap and I was going to die. That’s when I woke up.

I’ve had nightmares with elevators so often that now when I get on one for real, I’m always expecting something bad to happen. I’m gonna get stuck, or plummet to my death, or have to spend eternity riding up and down. That’s ridiculous but that’s how the brain works.

What does it mean?? Well, of course I don’t know but I felt compelled to write this down as evidence in case something ever DOES happen in the future. 😱

Laterz,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-18 My Dreams are Stirring Up Some Shit

This morning I woke up at the tail end of a bad dream that was most certainly my brain trying to puzzle out something it’s grappled with a time or two in the past and potentially still struggling with. I have an inner desire to please People and do a good job and I think that’s ok, maybe even a great quality, but what it requires is a certain amount of external acknowledgement that’s not always given.

In my dream, I was having a perform e review and instead of being conducted by my boss, it was being administered by a PM at my last company… good ole Steve-O. He was relaying some pretty bad news. I’d been graded at a D. First off, that’s not how we were actually rated. Our marks were based on a flawed 4 point scale which was flawed because under the present dictator, a 4 was unobtainable. Before he took over, I regularly scored 4s in most categories and my composit score was about 3.75. The last couple years, though, under his rule my composit hovered right around 3. This was despite working harder than I ever had and pouring the amount of blood, sweat, and tears into each week that breaks a person. Yeah, there’s no denying that my situation there was a contributing factor to my overall declining health. But I digress.

Returning to the dream, I was arguing my case. I was asking for a second review by objective persons. I knew the numbers were skewed by my relationship with the president of the company. Now I knew Steve knew this to be true, but he wasn’t allowed to go against the Man.

I said that I always put 110% of myself into what was asked and challenged him to go do a survey of all my customers to see what marks they would give me. I could see in his eyes he knew I was right, and agreed to do that. This is the point in the dream where I woke up. I was upset.

I got up and wandered to the bathroom. I thought about why I might have that dream now. I’m coming up on the anniversary of the day I quit that job last year. I know I’m not happy about my final performance review there. They did downgrade me in several areas and I’m convinced it’s because 1.) They did not want to Give me a decent raise and 2). They were trying to push me out the door.

Shit went down there late the year before with another employee and I was periferally involved because he was on my team. I was vocal about the President of the company behind the closed doors of HR but I have no doubt my statement was made available to the entire executive team. I was probably tagged as a liability. /shrug

Anyway, I know I always did the best I could so I’m looking for other reasons for this dream now. I don’t get much recognition from my current gig. The team gets a lot of props for hitting milestones and being awesome, but not a lot individually. I think I’m the kind of person that needs that individual validation. It is what it is.

I’ve also been kind of wondering lately if they think I’m doing a good job. It’s not the kind of gig that does employee performance evaluations or 1 on 1s with the “boss”. I might just ask him. Sometime soon perhaps.

Here’s the other late breaking news, which may or may not play into inspiration for my dream… yesterday I saw my elderly neighbor across the street struggling to push an old non-motorized mower through her 12+ inch grass and weeds. JS has one of these mowers and I know it’s tough to use if the grass gets too long. This looked damn near impossible, especially for her. She can barely walk. My heart hurt watching her. I offered to help.

I walked across the street and told her I’d mow after I was done working at 2, which I did. It took me an hour to do the front and side yards which were a bitch. Still, it was gratifying to look back as I walked away to see the job done. After that I saw her back out working on spots that popped up again after I was done. When it gets that long, the mower pushes the grass down flat and sometimes the blade goes right over the top and doesn’t make a cut.

I went back over and told her we could come cut it again this weekend to take care of that and my son might be interested in a regular paid gig. She seemed interested. But here’s the rub.. she didn’t even say thank you. When I came out the first time she broke down crying and saying she didn’t know what she was going to do. “No family in town and her husband is ill”.

Once the deed was done she didn’t even seem grateful. She was only interested in getting more help. I told her I’d bring my kids over and we’d chat more about it. Later I did that and she showed me and C the back yard which was a total wreck. A person could not even mow back there until all the debris was picked up. I wanted to grab C and run away and not look back.

All that may or may not play into my bad dream but it seems likely. Doing work, not being recognized for it (or thanked), and then having someone just want more. /shrug /shrug

So this is how smart, logical people approach the current situation with the neighbor… we write out an estimate so she has a paper to reference what the offer is and we include a price for first time yard prep. We crank it up just a touch so that it’s worth our while and perhaps that will give her pause and cause her to seek other estimates.

I’m also going to say it’s X amount for the re-mow this weekend and that will be a good test to see if she’s actually going to pay. If she doesn’t, then we know the deal is sour. I can feel good about yesterday’s good deed and have a clear conscience if that’s all we ever do.

Yesterday I said I was immune to the shit that happens in life, so now I have to live my word and not just type /shrug, but really mean it. “I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.” 😜

On that note.. I’ve got lots to do on this fantastic Friday. Time to jet!

/Shrugging it all off,

~Miss SugarCookie