2019-05-09 PMS and Bad Poetry

About a week ago I was freaking out because my Fitbit was reporting that my period was like 5 days late. Crazy thoughts go through one’s mind in times like that. I found myself thinking about what it would be like to start over. Another bundle of joy, diapers, Halloween costume creations, and 18 more years before THAT bouncing baby would be where my Z is now – trying to decide what colleges to apply for.

I have no doubt it would be a better parenting experience because now I have a true partner in life. I would be a stay at home mom and I’ve learned so much that I feel I would do a much better job. Still, the idea really threw me. Just before I got to the point of running to Walgreens to get a pee-stick (pregnancy test), I realized that last month my period started when I was in Barcelona and I forgot to record it in my Fitbit. Sure enough when I corrected that it adjusted my calendar and told me I was going to get my period in like 5 days. I was suddenly washed in relief. That’s very telling. I’m 45 and can’t be birthing no babies now.

That was about a week ago and sure enough I have not started yet. My cycle is naturally just a few days longer than the average of 28 days. I always expect to start a few days after Fitbit says I should. The programming isn’t smart enough to learn from past months, so it always needs tweaking. Stupid technology!

All of this just to get to the point where I come clean about the seriousness of my PMS. Some months are worse than others and I never know what kind of thoughts will surface. In the last 6 months, with all the big changes in my life I’ve often been pulled down by an undertow of doubt.

“What the hell am I doing?” Is an oft ast question during these days. How can I possibly be giving up my independence and putting my kids through this life drama, all for a relationship. I’m not my Mother. That’s the kinda shit she did and I vowed never to be like her. I grew up with divorced parents who were dating, moving, getting married, divorced, and moving again. They were absorbed in all their adulting and I was invisible. I was the quiet one, not social or a troublemaker or overly emotional like my siblings. I demanded zero attention and so that’s what I got. I digress.

When I got divorced my kids were still young. I found my way out of that situation because I was backed in a corner and had flipped into survival mode. When you can’t breathe, you do what you have to. At least that’s what I told myself anyway. Once I was free I made an internal promise to myself to not put my children what I went through, and to always place their interests first.

I suppose that’s why I had issues with any relationships I found myself in. I dated a little bit but my mind was terrified of anything that may have a “future” attached. My heart fell easy my mind was always backing away going “nope, not doing that”. I seemed to always fall in with guys that were “safe”.

Vis was safe because he claimed I “was not the one for him”, still, we dated until he found someone else and broke my heart. Yeah, he broke my heart first by chasing a girl who was bat-shit crazy and I befriended her just to try and stay conected. Probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. (BTW… 👋🏻 Hi.. I hope all is well!).

Josh was a person I turned to both during my separation and divorce with Brian and my break-up with Matt. He was safe because I “wasn’t his type” and “not his destiny”. That was Joshua – Always so dramatic. I would say we also dated but he would probably deny that. He never really broke my heart, but instead just angered me past the point of no return with his approach to life. I was ok just being friends but he always felt the need to remind me about Najah or a girl at our Gym named Emily that he called “Code Red” or some other girl he met on OK Cupid, always someone else on the side. Eventually I just threw my hands up and said “whatever dude”. I knew I deserved better than a life with a person like that.

There were a few others I had brief spins with but I tell you the second I saw a certain look in their eyes, I began to panic. It’s fucked up to say the more they were “interested” in me the faster I bolted. It may just be that I had good sense of what I was looking for and knew what they just weren’t it.

If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably one of the reasons that Matt was perfect and also why things didn’t work out with him. He was into me but not in any hurry to plan for the future. I claimed he was the one that was “commitment phobic” (which he is), but I was too. We were committed enough to let 5 years pass and never make plans for “the future”. We never moved in together and in the end we were so paralyzed we could not even talk about “us”.

Somewhere along the way I grew to want more and to start planning and he just never caught up. I told myself it was better that way, break ties and just cruise through the last years of my kids living at home and then “maybe” look for something more after that. That way I would for sure honor that promise I made to myself about putting my kids first. It was for the best.

Except the Universe had other plans. Enter Jim stage right. On March 3rd 2018 my world changed. Things happened really fast, and it was surprising how open I was to all that rapid-fire change. It was everything I had previously been against, yet, I found myself saying “yes” to everything and having lots of serious conversations about the future. Was I just ready? Was I just so confident about him being the one for me? He is an amazing person and perhaps I was afraid of putting the brakes on for fear that that would make him pull away.

It has been really great and I didn’t want to screw things up. My friend Sam told me not to worry if it goes fast, just “go with it” she said. And that’s what I’ve done. Now it’s like a year later and we live in his house and talk about the future all the time (except for that wedding planning thing). It’s only a few days a month that I feel red flags and my mind wanders to places that are filled with doubt. Stupid PMS. I think about living in this grand house and all the stuff in it and how that’s not me. I think about how I’ve abandoned my career and now sometimes feel “trapped”, like I can’t leave without permission. It’s quite mad actually, since I now have the freedom to truly dive into school and my writing free from worry about all the financial things.

It’s not just the house and all the stuff (though that is the biggest part). There are other troubling thoughts swimming in my brain. Last night I could simply not quiet my mind about the house thing and in my heightened state of feeling swallowed by the situation I wrote a really bad poem about our respective houses and the experience of trying to fit all my things into his house. It’s a truly terrible poem, but I had to get what I was thinking out somehow – set the words free on paper and smooth my mind. Yeah, that happened, and I sort of felt better afterward. Then I descended to the living room from the room that is my office, which incidentally houses my old office furniture and bedroom furniture and all the plants I had in the room above my garage. We watched an episode of “The Handmaids Tale” and then went to bed.

No flow yet this morning (because I know you wanted to know that) and I’m back refereeing this internal struggle about my life, liberty, and pursuit of that “ever elusive” happiness.

I don’t care what people say.

The Struggle is Real,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-03-03 Just Swipe Right

Exactly one year ago today I woke up like it was any other Saturday. I quietly stretched the sleep away and snuck out of the house without disturbing my teenagers still asleep in their beds. I went to the gym and did that thing I do by starting my workout session in the sauna.

Then I made my way to my elliptical machine and proceeded to do my hour of cardio. As I had so many times before that, I cycled through apps on my phone. I check text and email and, at times, various social media platforms. On that day, the bumble dating app was in the rotation and I checked to see if there were new profiles and pictures that met my search criteria.

I did that swiping thing I had become accustomed to and wasted no time starting conversations when there was a match. Unless I had something more clever to open the conversation that was based on info from the profile, I would just say “hello” and ask the other person how their day was going.

That’s what I did with Jim shortly after I swiped right on his profile and found we matched. He remembers the exact opening line I used (actually I believe he took a screenshot of it before deleting the app from his phone). So thoughtful. All I really remember is that we had a nice back and forth exchange via text which ended with a plan to talk on the phone sometime that afternoon.

After that I continued to finish out my set at the gym and move on to the rest of my Saturday morning chores. I probably hit the grocery store on my way home and did some random things around the house. It was a very nice day out, above average temps albeit quite windy. I really don’t recall exactly when the kids got up or what we did for lunch or what else was on the agenda. It was still just a regular day.

When the time came for the phone call we planned, I had decided it was nice enough out to walk and talk and so I grabbed my phone and headphones and headed down the block. That was actually a mistake because with the wind, I had trouble hearing the conversation. We were both outside and both struggling.

I decided pretty quickly to head back home and finished out our chat from my front porch which was very much shielded from the wind. By the end of that conversation I knew most of the big things.. we were both divorced with kids (two teenagers each) and what our respective “careers” were. One thing we agreed on was that there’s no time like the present and there would be no reason to wait on meeting in person. We made a plan to meet up for a glass of wine later that evening. And so it was.

That’s the day our story started. It’s been a whirlwind of a year and it’s sometimes still tough to believe that it’s real. Things progressed quite rapidly, but I think that’s due to the fact that we both knew what we were looking for and had a high level of confidence about the other person.

Within 6 months he proposed and I said yes. Within 11 months we were living together. We have enjoyed a year of good times, travel, and just being in love and we have also navigated the complications that come with having a past with baggage and other continuous life struggles. Everyone has their shit.. but it’s been easy for me to open up and let him in to help me with mine. He’s super supportive and I try to return that in kind.

It’s one thing to be happy and find joy and satisfaction with another person and with life in the gaps where everything is sunny and the world is outside the bubble of bliss. It’s another thing altogether to burst that bubble and let reality pour in. It’s messy and sometimes we swim in chaos and doubt, but if we put our faith in our partner, we can sort it all out. Jim and I have done that and I think we have done it fairly successfully.

I mean, it’s not like a box you check off a to-do list. It’s a continuous “thing” that continues to evolve and requires effort. You don’t just wake up one day going “oh yeah, we figured that out and can live out the rest of our days in bliss”. Nope. It’s not like that. The wisdom that comes from experience is that you have to always continue to try and as soon as one thing is resolved, another is waiting around the corner. That’s a tough lesson to learn.

Having learned it already, I think will help us continue to help each other and hold each other up when life throws those nasty curve balls. It makes me think that everything I have been through was for a reason. I had to learn those lessons in order to prepare me for that day one year ago that has changed the course of my life. If that’s true, then I’m just as grateful for the pain and struggle I’ve suffered through than the wonderful, easy times.

At this point I can’t imagine what my life would be like right now if I would have “swiped left” or any one of another 100 alternate realities based on choices that I have made in the past. It’s not worth thinking about further really. It’s just another day in the life of Miss SugarCookie and as both Jim and I agree “there’s no time like the present.. why wait?”, so let’s get on with it!

On that note, it’s time to get on with enjoying this Sunday. We’ve got some living to do today!!

More Please,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-02-02 Context and Cheers to Future Anniversaries

Ok.. when I said I felt like a broken record about wanting to slow life down, I meant it. At the time, however, I didn’t offer a ton of context. I mean, every post about every single little thing that happens IS context but I’ve barely had enough time too keep up with even that.

Yes, I moved. Yes, my house is now for sale. But what else?? Easier to say what’s not going on…. ha!

My ex who was supposed to have the kids all week came down with the flu AND pneumonia and so they were unexpectedly at the new house all week. That has hindered our unpacking and organizing effort a little.

My darling daughter who is just shy of 17 years old got in her first fender-bender this week (driving her dad’s vehicle) and was a mess because of that. She’s physically ok but it scared the crap out of her and now she is very leery to get behind the wheel again.

She also was not feeling well and ended up staying home from school on Friday. We were both up at 5AM Friday because of that which made for an extremely long day. Then she had to be at school today, Saturday, early to take a practice ACT which meant getting up before the sun again and driving to the old neighborhood.

I’ve driven to Papillion and back no less than twice a day all week which just takes time. I knew that going in, and that’s what I committed to, but I really was counting on getting a little reprieve from that this week.

What else? An appointment with one of my good friends on Wednesday AND we had tickets to a Creighton Basketball game Wednesday. Those were both great, but not good timing with everything else. I hate basketball, by the way, so it was more about just having a date night – just the two of us, than anything. I’ll go for the fun of it, but don’t expect me to know what’s going on OR care. 😜

I may have mentioned my visit to the orthopedic surgeon on Monday which ended in getting a shot in my arm. I suppose there’s a whole blog post I could do about that saga but it’s definitely not at the top of my list of potential topics.

Today has just flown by and I’m still just getting stuff done, minute by minute, hour by hour.

***

In truth all that context is just Fluff next to the significance of this day. February 2nd is probably going to be my future wedding anniversary which means a year from now I’ll be married. Wowza!! I never thought I would ever make that leap again and thinking back to one short year ago, I can’t hardly believe it. This time last year I was toggling between being obsessed with the bumble swiping and feeling like dumping all dating apps because of all my negative experiences trying to connect with people.

I couldn’t in a million years imagine that in 2018 I would meet the most incredible person and that I’d be falling in love. Not to mention that he would feel the same to the degree that he would propose to me less than 6 months later. Don’t even get me started on the moving in together. Like I said… Wowza!!

Today, February 3rd is our 11 month anniversary and despite the crazy lately, I could not be happier. I trust things will settle down and I’m really looking forward to today and tomorrow and next week and this month and all the awesome in the year to come. It’s going to be great. 💃💃🎉🎉❤️❤️

It’s now the third day in a row I started a blog on one day and didn’t finish until the next. That’s bugging the crap out of me and it stops now. Time to Cut and Run.

Jam on Toast,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-29 Transition Tuesday

Back home after the holiday now and time to dive back into the other lifestyle. I haven’t been to the gym in about a week and I basically unplugged from work for over a day. A whole day.. wow. That’s so necessary.

Even though I’m not working hours like I used to I am still working almost every day. I’m the main support person and that requires just a smidge of effort each day. I also seem to find myself working with people who also work all the time and it’s sometimes a challenge to set boundaries when that happens.

A few times over the weekend I put in hours testing and documenting for yet another mid-sprint release. It’s beyond me why we (my boss) would choose to promise the customer a release of the code on a holiday weekend when half the team is either awol for a Vegas weekend or otherwise occupied with barbecues, family, friends, and… uh… drinking. Whatever though. I’ve calculated that each release takes about 6 hours of dedicated work on my part so that’s money in the bank.

I stopped responding to slack on Sunday evening and will get back to it today. Work life balance is necessary and what I have not been good at in the past is knowing where to draw the line. I do now though and will not make such mistakes again.

The other transition today is having the kids back at home and it’s the first full week of summer.. no school. That means they will be home all day while I’m trying to work. I’ve worked a fair bit at home in the past while they were there but not full time. We’ll see how that goes.

And now the best transition of them all.. my Facebook relationship status. That’s right people.. it’s FB official.. I’m in a relationship. We both talked about our mutual distaste for social media yesterday and irritations with FB in general. Despite that, we both still wanted to share, especially since we’ve now met a majority of the other persons family. When I arrived home last night that notification was waiting for me. It gave me a nice warm fuzzy inside and I happily accepted the status change.

According to FB, I’ve been single since 2010. Now I’m not. It’s about time! 😜 That’s quite a transition indeed! Next stop .. a very happy hump day!!

Time to Earn go those Tacos, 🌮 🌮 🌮

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-19 Eleven Week Meetup

It’s a rainy Saturday afternoon. I’m at the gym trying to work of a big lunch. JS an I were talking last night about the foods we used to eat when we were young and in HS and college and it reminded me of my very favorite thing ever (or was a hundred years ago).

Blue box macaroni and cheese paired with applesauce. It had to be Kraft and from the box, none of that easy Mac stuff they sell now. Talking about it gave me such a craving. When I was at the grocery earlier getting stuff to cook dinner I picked up a box and some sugar free organic applesauce. I made that for lunch today for C and I and it was so good. I overate a little and now I just feel full. Hopefully 10k steps on this machine will make me feel better.

Big deal for me later.. not only am I cooking dinner for us (first time for that), but he’s also meeting my kids. I mean, it feels like a big deal even though it’s really not. He’s a cool cat and my kids won’t care much. Hopefully we’ll have a nice dinner and good conversation and then he and I are headed across the Missouri to go to an art exhibit at my sisters building (she lives in an artist complex that’s an old building downtown turned into apartments). I’m sure it will all be fine but I’m kinda nervous anyway hoping it goes well.

The cooking part is kind of funny actually because he’s cooked for me no less than like two dozen times (or more) now. Just about every time I go to his place we have a meal and he’s never let me help. Well one morning I was on bacon duty. 😜

I’m totally not used to that. He pours me a glass of wine and I just sit there and watch him while he cooks, and we talk. This time I’m cooking and one must remember I’m used to cooking for my kids and I and we don’t ever eat anything fancy. Mostly because they are so picky and don’t like flavor. I’ve always been good at my job, but with all the domestic stuff, I’m very so-so.

After cooking for Simon a couple of times he sort of always gave me a look when the subject came up. “Oh honey, not everyone can be good at everything”. Gawd, but that was Simon.. always making me feel inadequate. “Can you crack an egg?” What a patronizing thing to say. JS would never do that and, of that, I am certain.

Anyway, so that’s going down in a couple of hours. It will be fine I’m sure. The trick will be to cook a meal everyone will like and nobody will turn their nose up. I want the kids to leave a good impression and People eye rolling and refusing to eat will just not do. I just really want the kids to like him and for him to like the kids. Today is the 11 week anniversary of the day we met. Wowza! Time flies. That’s a good amount of time to wait to introduce the kids right? I hope so.

I’d better get back to cleaning up the house now that my lunch has settled.

Peace Out, ✌️

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-10 The Thursday Meetup Monologue

Late night working last night and back at it again this morning. Makin’ the big bucks this week! I’m Getting a little cardio set in now though.

Today I’m supposed to be meeting up with Matt for lunch. He reached out to me on Monday, or maybe it was Sunday, basically to wish C a happy birthday I think. However, he quickly asked if I still wanted to get coffee or lunch sometime and I quickly replied yes. That’s a reflex.

Am I curious what he’s up to? Yes. Am I wondering about his relationship status? Of course. Does any of it really matter? Thankfully not anymore. Time does that and if I’m being honest so does my own relationship status. I’m happy now. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time and feeling so positive about the future.

Yesterday Josh stopped by my house and we chatted for about an hour. I asked him what he’s heard from Matt lately (Josh is a mutual friend). They’ve had a couple group melee/smash sessions and I guess not much has changed.

Josh said he’s been out to Cali again to visit his girlfriend. Whatever. I think he’d probably move there if his family ties weren’t here. That’s kind of crap as far as I’m concerned because he always gave me grief for my not wanting to move until my kids were grown. In 2015 he said he didn’t think he wanted to buy another house in Omaha because he wanted to move. Ok.. that was 3 years ago and he’s still here and we broke up in 2016 and he started to date another girl and SHE moved and he didn’t go with her. See… CRAP. 💩

My agreeing to meet him was a gut reaction and now that I’ve had time to think about it, I don’t think I want to. I mean, what I would want is some deeper conversation to see what, if anything, is his real status and not just some surface level fluff like the last couple times. But to what end?

I don’t need any more reminders of why things didn’t work out between us. Just like I don’t need that surface conversation. Part of me feels like it just ends up being a catch up session where I feel great because I’m working again and going to school pursuing my dreams and now living the happy relationship life and he ends up feeling like shit because he’s still not doing any of those things. (I’m not counting his long distance thing with L a thing at all).

I don’t want to feel like I’m contributing to his down mood. Maybe something has changed and he’s found a thing he loves and is going for it. I don’t know. The fact is I don’t need to know and it doesn’t matter. And that’s a very healthy place for me to be.

I think I’m going to cancel. I don’t really feel like breaking my stride today anyway with Work and stuff. That’s what’s up.

Tonight I’m having date night with JS and my plan is to spend as much QT as I can at his place this weekend (me and my cat 🐱 😊).

Ok.. time now to get back to work.

Cheers to Being Over It!

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-14 Times, They are a Changin’

I’m still trying to get over whatever illness took over my body a few days ago. Some slightly annoying symptoms that will not seem to go away. Not enough to keep me from doing stuff, but bad enough to make me just not want to do stuff. I haven’t been at the gym for a few days now and my focus has been on work stuff and relationship stuff and everything seems to be on tilt.

And somewhere along the way, my daily blog has become a thing I’ve relied on my gym time for. This wasn’t how things were when I started over a year ago. I used to just carve out some time during the day, morning, afternoon, night, and sit down and write. When I discovered that I could actually type and do my elliptical at the same time, the game changed.

That time-saving, multi-tasking event has become a staple in my daily life. I would go in the mornings almost daily seven days a week and that’s where I would “do my time”, so to speak. I’ve gotten so good at it, and so used to it, that when I don’t go to the gym, I start missing days writing. The other thing that happens is that when I’m on some piece of exercise equipment and am not reading or writing (or talking to someone), I get incredibly bored and can barely stand to do it.

I tried to do the elliptical machine at residency at the hotel and that machine was not only hard, so I had to work extra hard, it wasn’t easy to balance and so I couldn’t really write. It was SOOOOO boring. Even listening to music, I would look down at my fitbit and it seemed like the steps were so slow to come. I’m sure I was actually getting a better workout, because I was working up more of a sweat, but it was a challenge to keep going.

This morning I felt well enough and did maybe half what I would normally do, but I was talking while I was on the machine and so not typing. Now as I sit here, it’s kind of amazing to me how much faster I can write on a keyboard than my phone. Strange what things one can forget.

I mean, normally when I am working on poetry, its short sentences and lots of thinking in between what I am doing so there is no need to type fast, but I can crank out paragraph after paragraph of my “stream of consciousness” thoughts in not time on this laptop. How could I have forgotten?!?

It’s been 6 weeks since the day I met JS and neither one of us had commitments this weekend so we’re planning on spending a lot of time together and I am really looking forward to that. We’re also getting some strange, really gross weather here right now and I’m hoping that does not interfere with our plans. Even if it does, I feel like we’ll do just fine sitting somewhere having a hot tea, watching the snowfall. I don’t know the last time it snowed this late in the year or temps dipping low enough for it to snow, but it does happen. That’s why I never plan on planting anything in the garden until May.

Mother’s day is the cutoff for that. After that, then it’s time to get to work and let me tell you, I am so ready for that change. To be honest, it’s kind of like this whole relationship thing. I have been ready for a change for a long time and this just feel so right. Everything in my insides tells me we are going to be great together. I’m so hopeful and positive and it does not seem to matter what the topic is, we can talk about anything and it’s so easy.

You know, you don’t get to be my age without going through some shit. I’ve had some.. everyone has. But things are so much easier when you have 1). Someone in your corner to talk to. 2.) Someone to be in your corner on things and help and support. 3.) Someone who cares. I’ve been missing that for a very long time.

Sure family and friends care, but they aren’t with you every day to lean on. It’s like I might have a meet-up with a family member or friend and it’s so great to talk and to ping ideas off off and do validation checks on things I’m thinking just to make sure I’m not crazy, but it’s on a whole new level when you have someone to talk to every day, and they know the backstory and you can trust that they will be there for you. Family and friends go back to their own lives, and I might not talk to them for weeks or even months, some people less than that. Having JS to talk to everyday has been another game changer already and I just never knew what I was missing. It’s incredible.

He’s incredible. He’s an incredible person. And I’m getting very attached and somehow am starting to see the future and can’t imagine my life without him in it. I know he feels the same way. I know it, because he’s told me. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or next week or a month from now, but I hope we can continue to grow together. I’ve fallen. I’ve fallen hard. I can’t imagine a scenario where he tells me it’s not going to work out. My confidence level is high now. I’ve been so ready for this change for so long. It’s definitely time for spring!

On that note.. time to go now, get ready for whatever we decide to do next.
(I don’t care that it is going to snow today)

Bring the Spring!!
~Miss SugarCookie