2021-03-27 Time to Rebalance… ⚖️

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the sudden and drastic health issues my mom has suffered from and will continue to suffer from for an unforeseeable number of months to come. Somehow I need to find balance. I can’t let it take over my life.

The last three weeks were a rolling set of circumstances which required more of my time than the average contract. It was a good reminder how difficult it is to manage work and home and kids and how, too often, the “self” gets neglected. 

I equate the time I’ve spent in the hospital and now at my moms beck and call at her house to a work contract because that’s exactly what it feels like. An obligation to “do” for someone else without a lot of reward or satisfaction. I do it cuz what choice do I have. Just like most jobs.

Last night I got my first mental break. I mean it’s not like I was required to be at the hospital all day but mentally my focus was on my mom and her situation constantly. So it’s sort of like it took over my life. When my sister showed up at the house yesterday, and I got in my car and drove away, I released my mind from thinking about it.

It was easy, actually. I drove home and promptly showered because I needed time for my hair to dry before my double date last night. I checked in with both my kids and made sure they were doing good (they have been wonderfully independent and understanding in all this thus far) and I then scrambled to finish getting ready before our early meet-up time of 5:00. 

What are we like 70? Who meets to go to dinner at 5? Haha! 

Going out was fun. Having drinks and appetizers and a meal at a restaurant seemed like a damn vacation after the isolation of the pandemic and the designated daughter status I’ve endured these last few weeks. 

The double date itself was a test. We were meeting this new girl for the first time and it felt like too much was riding on our opinion to enjoy that part of it. I also didn’t get to spend too many moments talking to her alone to really get a sense of her or the dynamic of this potential relationship. 

Jim’s partner in practice is coming back over to the house today so the three of us can discuss. That’s what happens when you get three left brain analytical nerds on the case. Feels like a post date eval session. That poor girl! 🤣

She’s a physician too so really I’m the odd one out. Part of dinner last night (a large part) was shop talk and I was like 🙄 …. boooooorrrring! At times it felt a little like swinging dicks, if you know what I mean. And I’m done with trying to impress people with my accomplishments. But at least with all that I could just sink into the booth and not worry about what to talk about. 

Poetry never came up. My former career never came up. I brought up my kids at dinner, but that line of conversation lasted about a hot 30 seconds before it switched again back to something else. 

After dinner they came over to our house and we gave her a partial tour and had another drink. We were done pretty early as both Jim and his partner had to work at 8am this morning. I was thankful for the early night because I was quite exhausted. All I really wanted was to lay in my own bed and let sleep take the wheel. And that’s exactly what I did. 

Waking up today, I feel pretty good. I’m not looking forward to going back to my moms and going to put that off for as long as possible. I’ve got a few things to get done this weekend but really want to find that balance and give myself some “me” time too. (Part of that is the walk I’m on right now). 

On that note.. my times up. 

Cheers to the weekend and the Quest for balance, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-24 A Perfect 4

I haven’t put on a dress in a while, but I’m pretty sure size 4 is still what would fit best. On a scale from 0-10, pretty sure my poetry is a 4 too. At least based on all these rejections. Another one popped into my in-box this morning. Like hello… merry fucking Christmas to you too. Who sends rejections on Christmas Eve? Whatever. 

I’m still letting my submissions ride through December. I’ve had three or four new rejections in the past week and one new poem get posted on a new site. 

That one I’m not particularly excited about (the journal not the poem—that poem is at least a 7 on the aforementioned poem scale). I’m calling this latest publication a lesson learned. Everyone makes mistakes you know and so this is a mark in that category. 

As I’ve come to conclude, finding places for your writing is a lot like dating. It goes like this…. 

Submittable is like that dating app. There’s a list of potentials you can do a bit of filtering on. You get a brief “picture” and bio of potential matches. You sit alone and scroll and scroll and click and read and if something looks promising, you might dig a little deeper on their website, you know, how one might google a person of interest. At this point in the game, you have to decide which ones are worth more effort. Like dating, it can be slim pickings at times. 

You might ask yourself if they are right for you and your babies. Oh that’s another thing, you are concerned about yourself but also your precious children, because they will be the ones inheriting the outcome if there’s a match. 

So you find a good one. You swipe right and fashion that first communication. You have to decide if you will be clever or just stick with the standard form letter greeting. Hi. I’m “so and so” and I’d like you to go to the prom with me. We don’t have to go to dinner. Yes, I have a fancy dress I can wear, I’m a size 4 (in case that’s important). I’ve been checking you out and I think we’d be great together. Not up for something long term? How about just a one night stand? Here’s a good poem. Take it pretty please with sugar on top. 

Too desperate? Makes sense… that’s what rejection does to a person. 

So as far as I figure, part of this dance is like determining what league you are in (and sizing them up too). Like see that hot guy over there, Mr. New York Times is a 10. Miss Paris Review is also a10. Unless you’re name is Ilya Kaminsky (who is also a 10), you should just forget about it. 

You have to know yourself. I’m not a good judge of myself. I think I’m like a 6 but I’m probably a 4. And I’ve been aiming all over the place. 1s, 8’s, and everywhere in between. I’ve even swiped on some unrated lit mags. Literally. Which makes them a 0. 

That was my mistake. Now I regret hooking up with that ZERO who misspelled my name when the issue came out and frankly was sloppy in their presentation. And I sent them one of my best babies… like one of my 7s. Ugh!! 😩 

The truth is, just line dating, after a lot of rejection you kind of lose confidence. I think that’s what happened. I just felt down about it and started sending everywhere and didn’t do the proper evaluation. I won’t do that again. 

From now on I’m going to evaluate what I have to offer and match that with the places I’m sending to. (I say in the wake of this latest mistake). But it’s a lot of work. Just like dating. 

For now though, and through the new year until after Res, I’m just riding out the swipes I’ve got stacked up already. Still hovering above 70. Maybe I should just ride it out until I’m back down around 50. We’ll see. The swiping can be addictive though. Hmmmmm… that’s just like dating too. 

Wonder if I’ll ever find a good match for my manuscript? 

Well..  I used Bumble once and hit the freaking lottery. So I guess anything is possible. 😜

“Why yes, Mr. Graywolf Press, you can have me. Just take me. Take all of me!” 🤣

Happy Hunting, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-13 Pepperoni Pizza = Strange Dreams 🍕➡️😱

It’s been previously verified that if I eat pepperoni pizza too close to bed time, strange dreams will disturb my sleep.

Last night was no exception. Though I would hardly call the dreams strange or disturbing, it was certainly odd for so many men from my past to pay me a visit in the same night.

Saying “so many” makes it sound like a lot. And that’s just not the case. But when you’ve only “dated” a few people, more than half feels like a lot.

I mean, I married my first boyfriend when I was 19 and we were married for 17 years so that’s a healthy chunk of my life and also when most people are meeting lots of potential partners and sowing their wild oats.

Fast forward to about 6 months after my divorce was final and I got on Match. I went on a few dates with a few guys but had no idea who I was and what I was looking for. I ended up seeing this one guy for a hot minute (six months). It was my first friends with benefits relationship. But I thought we had a potential future together so it broke my heart when he found someone else. (Thanks for all the good times and poetry Vis 😋).

Then there was Matt. My “big love.” We were crazy for each other. Until the sun came out, and burned off all that god-dammed dewy-eyed newness (paraphrasing the only viable poem that came out of those 5 years). Yeah. 5 years. Good grief. 🙄

Then there was JTA, another good friend who I knew from the first time he told me we weren’t right for each other that there would never be an “us.” He’s one of those that visited me last night. Just before I woke up. Probably talking about moving away and how this town is not the right place for him. If you think I’m a broken record, talk to that guy for 10 years and realize that it could be much worse.

Still, I’ve got a special place in my heart for him and all the time we spent together. I would not say he helped me through my rough patch so much as he was just reliably there. More reliable than most people in my life at the time. So I’m grateful. 🥰

After that I got back in the dating game and went out in my fair share of first dates. Even a few second dates. I dabbled in a few one-time stands and even started seeing a guy pretty regularly, for about 5 months. Again I thought we had potential.. until I started to lose interest. The day I told him I wanted to call it quits was the day I found out “we” were also never really dating. WTF people??!!

Sprinkled in all that were a few good times with my friend HL. Again, according to my well established MO, I did have thoughts there could be something more there. The main limiting factor was the distance between us. He doesn’t live in Omaha so we only saw each other on trips elsewhere. He was another one of the dudes to show up in my pizza induced dreams last night.

Then I met Jim of course and that was that. The Universe help me, I hope that’s it. I really think it is. And he didn’t need to show up in my dreams last night cuz he was sleeping right beside me. 💕

Removing the “one and done” instances, that adds up to about 6 dudes I’ve had feelings for. I guess two out of 6 is not a lot after all. I stand corrected.

I suppose the most disturbing part of the dreams I had was the fact that Jim was absent. And I had this uneasy guilty feeling about hanging out with these other dudes, even though I have no recollection of the actual going’s-on.

Whelp.. I didn’t intend to rehash my entire (un) romantic history, but there you go.

It’s almost mid-month and I have once again not done all the things I said I was going to do in October.

What I did do (that was not a part of my plan) was spend time putting together a poetry manuscript for sending out to potential publishers. I ran across a familiar name in Submittable and the deadline is October 18. And I’d rather be working on my writing than almost anything else. So that happened.

A friend of mine agreed to give it a good once over for editing and I was able to send it to her last night.

Today my set list includes GLR catch up and other various house chores. Oh, and I promised to help my darling daughter with her photography homework. Which translates loosely to needing a shower so I can be photo ready.

What’s not in the cards for today is eating more pizza. Nope. Not because of the crazy dreams, mind you. But because it’s Taco Tuesday. 🌮🌮🌮

Peace and Love Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-03-03 A Monumental Day in SugarCookie History 💗

I have a myriad of topics I’d like to write about today. Which one will emerge as the winner is anybody’s guess. Perhaps I can dabble here and there and satisfy my want to think through a few things and not linger with too many words on just one.

Today is the two year anniversary of the day I swiped right on that picture of the man who would make me so happy and make feel like the luckiest girl in the world. It also happens to be the day we also started chatting on the bumble app, and had our first phone conversation, and oh yeah, met in person for the first time. Yes, all in the same day.

If there was one thing we both knew for ourselves and came to appreciate in the other person, was that we had spent enough time sorting out what we wanted and did not want in a partner. And though things moved fast, we were on the same wavelength every step of the way.

From saying “I love you”, to introducing each other to our parents and kids, to my spending all my parental kitchen passes living at his place, the timing was spot on. The first thing we did not agree on as far as timing goes was when to get married. If he had his way we would be celebrating our first wedding anniversary today. It’s true. This is the date he originally threw at me and at the time I was like “whoa there love, that’s like not even possible (it was October and we had not even officially moved in together). I put the brakes on and serendipitously discovered that palindrome date which was perfect.

We’re not really doing anything to celebrate. I actually think he might have forgotten but we’ll see.

My day today will be largely comprised of what I’m now calling household engineering. A fancy way to say that I’m cleaning litter boxes, taking trash out, going grocery shopping, among other random tasks. Our cat Doug has recently decided that he’s fascinated with water sloshing in the water dishes and pushes them all over the floor, spilling water everywhere.

This means that not only is the floor a mess (think water soaked cat food pieces floating in puddles) but also the dishes become empty and they don’t have anything to drink (except Emma who will drink from the toilets). It’s funny but also gross.

I bought this boot tray thing you set your wet boots on in winter to dry out and put the dishes on that. Now instead of the floor being a mess, the tray fills up with water and the stray food pieces disintegrate completely in a quarter inch of water. Also gross.

We’ve watched him do it. He’s completely mesmerized by it and does not seem satisfied until the dish is almost empty. He’s almost able to flip the dish over.

OMG… how I got from my anniversary to bad cat behavior is incredible!! In my defense, cats and their strange ways have become iconic. We started watching a documentary of how cats have taken over the internet. Memes, videos, Instagram accounts, hash tags. They are everywhere. We only watched about 10/15 minutes of the show because it wasn’t very well put together. And I don’t have any time for bad TV except of course The Bachelor.

Which I have to watch soon so that I’m not accidentally served a news story from Google spoiling the outcome of this latest season. The finale was last night.

The question now is, what’s more important: watching the show or getting my weekly submission in or editing the final 10 poems for my thesis or working on the new lit mag project or driving to Benson for burger wars today?

Those are my options when I finish with my household engineering. I will be editing tonight with my weekly writing group so I can probably use that as an excuse to cross that one off the list.

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what emerges as the winner. My life is so exciting. 😜

I’ve got to cut here get after this taco Tuesday extravaganza.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Today’s featured image is a picture of some landscaping on the path outside our hotel room in Kauai. 

2020-02-24 On Being Cinderella

Do you suppose that once Cinderella married the prince her life changed at all? Do you think that she was released from those chores of hers, scrubbing floors and doing dishes and also the thing that was too unmentionable even Disney didn’t even go there (toilets 😱)? I suppose the general assumption is that once married, dear Cinderella and her ball gowns hire someone else to do all the dirty work. But imagine if you will, that it wasn’t how the story went.

Four and a half hours into my day and I’m just now sitting down to do something for myself. I’ve been on my feet that long, tending to all the needs of Monday. The cats don’t rest much either when this is going on because they are too curious about what all the fuss is (or anxiously waiting for me to get to their litter boxes). They are clearly relieved that I’ve now plopped myself down on the couch with my laptop and have both found a nice cozy spot for their mid-morning nap.

Yesterday I was all lit up with motivation to make some commitment or resolution—something that was going to bring me a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. And now? Now I just want a nap. Something inside of me with about 38% authority wants me to at the very least go down to the gym with my tennis shoes and walk while I type this. But 38% is far from the majority and so here I sit. At the very least I should find another place to sit, to get a different perspective. But I really like being with the cats. It’s just the way it is. Plus finding a different spot would mean I have to get up and move again and I just don’t want to do that.

Briefly when I had that thought about Cinderella (which is not the first time I have gravitated toward that analogy), I thought about the Bachelor. The TV show I get sucked into from time to time and happen to be thoroughly enjoying this season. During that process all these beautiful girls jockey for position as they simultaneously date the same guy. It’s truly absurd but for some reason, I find it highly entertaining.

Anyway, they start the show off in this grand house where they all live and converse and have cocktail parties and pool parties and then gather in a dramatic ceremony where some girls get to stay and continue dating the guy while others are sent home, heartbroken. I probably don’t need to explain all that since the show is in like its 25th season or something outrageous like that.

At some point, they all travel to exotic places and get filmed doing fun activities that would make any globe-traveller jealous. All these cool dates and romantic dinners, concerts, etc, etc. They always interview these women and on the show, info about them pops up at the bottom of the screen to remind us who they are. Here is “Victoria F., from Virginia Beach, 26, Medical Rep. That’s all we know. Their name, age, hometown, and reported occupation. Hmmmm… kinda like how Bumble is, come to think of it.

Rarely do we see the couple de jour discussing what life will be like when they are off the show, if they end up together or engaged or whatever. You never see him saying “Well I have a house in Florida and that’s where I want to stay so if you don’t want to move away from Kansas City or Des Moines Iowa or wherever, then that’s a deal breaker”.

You also rarely hear her say “I really want my partner to be home helping me raise the children more than 50% of the time, so you would have to find some career besides being a pilot to earn a living”. Nope. Either they don’t talk about that stuff, or they have found that it is too boring to include in the drama of the show. I personally would love to see those conversations, especially over all the inebriated crying. Good Grief!

I can tell you that from where I sit (on the couch in my castle), those conversations are extremely important. But who I am I to say? Yes, the connection between two people is really important. Romantically, intellectually, sexually, spiritually, etc… But I think part of the secret to success is understanding where your partner is at in their life and what their goals are so you can support them, and also having that be a two way street. That includes logistics about career, how many kids you want (if any), and where you are going to live and what your lifestyle is. Obvi you can’t spend the rest of your life jet-setting off to exotic places.

I just don’t see how this Bachelor thing ever works because it seems everyone involved is just so concerned with the “connection” and also “winning” Heh! Plus, it’s so ridiculous that all these girls have to live together and witness the guy they are dating going out and making out with other women. If I had to endure that, I would be all like— no thanks. I want my man to have eyes for only me. It’s just so cray-cray. But I love it anyway. Perhaps some part of me craves that kind of drama and is better off getting a fix from some stupid reality television show than looking for it in my own life. For sure.

The stats for the final “couple” in most seasons is not great. Only a handful have stayed together and an even smaller number have actually gotten married. Yes, I did spend a little time just now researching the stats cuz I’m a big nerd like that, but it doesn’t matter really.

I think I’ve not exhausted my couch break now and really, really want to figure out what those new goals are going to be now that my own season of the bachelorette has now ended. So happy to have met my match AND gotten that final rose so that my Cinderella story can return to it’s regularly scheduled programming.

Happy Cat Napping,

~Miss SugarCookie


2019-05-09 PMS and Bad Poetry

About a week ago I was freaking out because my Fitbit was reporting that my period was like 5 days late. Crazy thoughts go through one’s mind in times like that. I found myself thinking about what it would be like to start over. Another bundle of joy, diapers, Halloween costume creations, and 18 more years before THAT bouncing baby would be where my Z is now – trying to decide what colleges to apply for.

I have no doubt it would be a better parenting experience because now I have a true partner in life. I would be a stay at home mom and I’ve learned so much that I feel I would do a much better job. Still, the idea really threw me. Just before I got to the point of running to Walgreens to get a pee-stick (pregnancy test), I realized that last month my period started when I was in Barcelona and I forgot to record it in my Fitbit. Sure enough when I corrected that it adjusted my calendar and told me I was going to get my period in like 5 days. I was suddenly washed in relief. That’s very telling. I’m 45 and can’t be birthing no babies now.

That was about a week ago and sure enough I have not started yet. My cycle is naturally just a few days longer than the average of 28 days. I always expect to start a few days after Fitbit says I should. The programming isn’t smart enough to learn from past months, so it always needs tweaking. Stupid technology!

All of this just to get to the point where I come clean about the seriousness of my PMS. Some months are worse than others and I never know what kind of thoughts will surface. In the last 6 months, with all the big changes in my life I’ve often been pulled down by an undertow of doubt.

“What the hell am I doing?” Is an oft ast question during these days. How can I possibly be giving up my independence and putting my kids through this life drama, all for a relationship. I’m not my Mother. That’s the kinda shit she did and I vowed never to be like her. I grew up with divorced parents who were dating, moving, getting married, divorced, and moving again. They were absorbed in all their adulting and I was invisible. I was the quiet one, not social or a troublemaker or overly emotional like my siblings. I demanded zero attention and so that’s what I got. I digress.

When I got divorced my kids were still young. I found my way out of that situation because I was backed in a corner and had flipped into survival mode. When you can’t breathe, you do what you have to. At least that’s what I told myself anyway. Once I was free I made an internal promise to myself to not put my children what I went through, and to always place their interests first.

I suppose that’s why I had issues with any relationships I found myself in. I dated a little bit but my mind was terrified of anything that may have a “future” attached. My heart fell easy my mind was always backing away going “nope, not doing that”. I seemed to always fall in with guys that were “safe”.

Vis was safe because he claimed I “was not the one for him”, still, we dated until he found someone else and broke my heart. Yeah, he broke my heart first by chasing a girl who was bat-shit crazy and I befriended her just to try and stay conected. Probably one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. (BTW… 👋🏻 Hi.. I hope all is well!).

Josh was a person I turned to both during my separation and divorce with Brian and my break-up with Matt. He was safe because I “wasn’t his type” and “not his destiny”. That was Joshua – Always so dramatic. I would say we also dated but he would probably deny that. He never really broke my heart, but instead just angered me past the point of no return with his approach to life. I was ok just being friends but he always felt the need to remind me about Najah or a girl at our Gym named Emily that he called “Code Red” or some other girl he met on OK Cupid, always someone else on the side. Eventually I just threw my hands up and said “whatever dude”. I knew I deserved better than a life with a person like that.

There were a few others I had brief spins with but I tell you the second I saw a certain look in their eyes, I began to panic. It’s fucked up to say the more they were “interested” in me the faster I bolted. It may just be that I had good sense of what I was looking for and knew what they just weren’t it.

If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably one of the reasons that Matt was perfect and also why things didn’t work out with him. He was into me but not in any hurry to plan for the future. I claimed he was the one that was “commitment phobic” (which he is), but I was too. We were committed enough to let 5 years pass and never make plans for “the future”. We never moved in together and in the end we were so paralyzed we could not even talk about “us”.

Somewhere along the way I grew to want more and to start planning and he just never caught up. I told myself it was better that way, break ties and just cruise through the last years of my kids living at home and then “maybe” look for something more after that. That way I would for sure honor that promise I made to myself about putting my kids first. It was for the best.

Except the Universe had other plans. Enter Jim stage right. On March 3rd 2018 my world changed. Things happened really fast, and it was surprising how open I was to all that rapid-fire change. It was everything I had previously been against, yet, I found myself saying “yes” to everything and having lots of serious conversations about the future. Was I just ready? Was I just so confident about him being the one for me? He is an amazing person and perhaps I was afraid of putting the brakes on for fear that that would make him pull away.

It has been really great and I didn’t want to screw things up. My friend Sam told me not to worry if it goes fast, just “go with it” she said. And that’s what I’ve done. Now it’s like a year later and we live in his house and talk about the future all the time (except for that wedding planning thing). It’s only a few days a month that I feel red flags and my mind wanders to places that are filled with doubt. Stupid PMS. I think about living in this grand house and all the stuff in it and how that’s not me. I think about how I’ve abandoned my career and now sometimes feel “trapped”, like I can’t leave without permission. It’s quite mad actually, since I now have the freedom to truly dive into school and my writing free from worry about all the financial things.

It’s not just the house and all the stuff (though that is the biggest part). There are other troubling thoughts swimming in my brain. Last night I could simply not quiet my mind about the house thing and in my heightened state of feeling swallowed by the situation I wrote a really bad poem about our respective houses and the experience of trying to fit all my things into his house. It’s a truly terrible poem, but I had to get what I was thinking out somehow – set the words free on paper and smooth my mind. Yeah, that happened, and I sort of felt better afterward. Then I descended to the living room from the room that is my office, which incidentally houses my old office furniture and bedroom furniture and all the plants I had in the room above my garage. We watched an episode of “The Handmaids Tale” and then went to bed.

No flow yet this morning (because I know you wanted to know that) and I’m back refereeing this internal struggle about my life, liberty, and pursuit of that “ever elusive” happiness.

I don’t care what people say.

The Struggle is Real,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-03-03 Just Swipe Right

Exactly one year ago today I woke up like it was any other Saturday. I quietly stretched the sleep away and snuck out of the house without disturbing my teenagers still asleep in their beds. I went to the gym and did that thing I do by starting my workout session in the sauna.

Then I made my way to my elliptical machine and proceeded to do my hour of cardio. As I had so many times before that, I cycled through apps on my phone. I check text and email and, at times, various social media platforms. On that day, the bumble dating app was in the rotation and I checked to see if there were new profiles and pictures that met my search criteria.

I did that swiping thing I had become accustomed to and wasted no time starting conversations when there was a match. Unless I had something more clever to open the conversation that was based on info from the profile, I would just say “hello” and ask the other person how their day was going.

That’s what I did with Jim shortly after I swiped right on his profile and found we matched. He remembers the exact opening line I used (actually I believe he took a screenshot of it before deleting the app from his phone). So thoughtful. All I really remember is that we had a nice back and forth exchange via text which ended with a plan to talk on the phone sometime that afternoon.

After that I continued to finish out my set at the gym and move on to the rest of my Saturday morning chores. I probably hit the grocery store on my way home and did some random things around the house. It was a very nice day out, above average temps albeit quite windy. I really don’t recall exactly when the kids got up or what we did for lunch or what else was on the agenda. It was still just a regular day.

When the time came for the phone call we planned, I had decided it was nice enough out to walk and talk and so I grabbed my phone and headphones and headed down the block. That was actually a mistake because with the wind, I had trouble hearing the conversation. We were both outside and both struggling.

I decided pretty quickly to head back home and finished out our chat from my front porch which was very much shielded from the wind. By the end of that conversation I knew most of the big things.. we were both divorced with kids (two teenagers each) and what our respective “careers” were. One thing we agreed on was that there’s no time like the present and there would be no reason to wait on meeting in person. We made a plan to meet up for a glass of wine later that evening. And so it was.

That’s the day our story started. It’s been a whirlwind of a year and it’s sometimes still tough to believe that it’s real. Things progressed quite rapidly, but I think that’s due to the fact that we both knew what we were looking for and had a high level of confidence about the other person.

Within 6 months he proposed and I said yes. Within 11 months we were living together. We have enjoyed a year of good times, travel, and just being in love and we have also navigated the complications that come with having a past with baggage and other continuous life struggles. Everyone has their shit.. but it’s been easy for me to open up and let him in to help me with mine. He’s super supportive and I try to return that in kind.

It’s one thing to be happy and find joy and satisfaction with another person and with life in the gaps where everything is sunny and the world is outside the bubble of bliss. It’s another thing altogether to burst that bubble and let reality pour in. It’s messy and sometimes we swim in chaos and doubt, but if we put our faith in our partner, we can sort it all out. Jim and I have done that and I think we have done it fairly successfully.

I mean, it’s not like a box you check off a to-do list. It’s a continuous “thing” that continues to evolve and requires effort. You don’t just wake up one day going “oh yeah, we figured that out and can live out the rest of our days in bliss”. Nope. It’s not like that. The wisdom that comes from experience is that you have to always continue to try and as soon as one thing is resolved, another is waiting around the corner. That’s a tough lesson to learn.

Having learned it already, I think will help us continue to help each other and hold each other up when life throws those nasty curve balls. It makes me think that everything I have been through was for a reason. I had to learn those lessons in order to prepare me for that day one year ago that has changed the course of my life. If that’s true, then I’m just as grateful for the pain and struggle I’ve suffered through than the wonderful, easy times.

At this point I can’t imagine what my life would be like right now if I would have “swiped left” or any one of another 100 alternate realities based on choices that I have made in the past. It’s not worth thinking about further really. It’s just another day in the life of Miss SugarCookie and as both Jim and I agree “there’s no time like the present.. why wait?”, so let’s get on with it!

On that note, it’s time to get on with enjoying this Sunday. We’ve got some living to do today!!

More Please,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-02-02 Context and Cheers to Future Anniversaries

Ok.. when I said I felt like a broken record about wanting to slow life down, I meant it. At the time, however, I didn’t offer a ton of context. I mean, every post about every single little thing that happens IS context but I’ve barely had enough time too keep up with even that.

Yes, I moved. Yes, my house is now for sale. But what else?? Easier to say what’s not going on…. ha!

My ex who was supposed to have the kids all week came down with the flu AND pneumonia and so they were unexpectedly at the new house all week. That has hindered our unpacking and organizing effort a little.

My darling daughter who is just shy of 17 years old got in her first fender-bender this week (driving her dad’s vehicle) and was a mess because of that. She’s physically ok but it scared the crap out of her and now she is very leery to get behind the wheel again.

She also was not feeling well and ended up staying home from school on Friday. We were both up at 5AM Friday because of that which made for an extremely long day. Then she had to be at school today, Saturday, early to take a practice ACT which meant getting up before the sun again and driving to the old neighborhood.

I’ve driven to Papillion and back no less than twice a day all week which just takes time. I knew that going in, and that’s what I committed to, but I really was counting on getting a little reprieve from that this week.

What else? An appointment with one of my good friends on Wednesday AND we had tickets to a Creighton Basketball game Wednesday. Those were both great, but not good timing with everything else. I hate basketball, by the way, so it was more about just having a date night – just the two of us, than anything. I’ll go for the fun of it, but don’t expect me to know what’s going on OR care. 😜

I may have mentioned my visit to the orthopedic surgeon on Monday which ended in getting a shot in my arm. I suppose there’s a whole blog post I could do about that saga but it’s definitely not at the top of my list of potential topics.

Today has just flown by and I’m still just getting stuff done, minute by minute, hour by hour.


In truth all that context is just Fluff next to the significance of this day. February 2nd is probably going to be my future wedding anniversary which means a year from now I’ll be married. Wowza!! I never thought I would ever make that leap again and thinking back to one short year ago, I can’t hardly believe it. This time last year I was toggling between being obsessed with the bumble swiping and feeling like dumping all dating apps because of all my negative experiences trying to connect with people.

I couldn’t in a million years imagine that in 2018 I would meet the most incredible person and that I’d be falling in love. Not to mention that he would feel the same to the degree that he would propose to me less than 6 months later. Don’t even get me started on the moving in together. Like I said… Wowza!!

Today, February 3rd is our 11 month anniversary and despite the crazy lately, I could not be happier. I trust things will settle down and I’m really looking forward to today and tomorrow and next week and this month and all the awesome in the year to come. It’s going to be great. 💃💃🎉🎉❤️❤️

It’s now the third day in a row I started a blog on one day and didn’t finish until the next. That’s bugging the crap out of me and it stops now. Time to Cut and Run.

Jam on Toast,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-29 Transition Tuesday

Back home after the holiday now and time to dive back into the other lifestyle. I haven’t been to the gym in about a week and I basically unplugged from work for over a day. A whole day.. wow. That’s so necessary.

Even though I’m not working hours like I used to I am still working almost every day. I’m the main support person and that requires just a smidge of effort each day. I also seem to find myself working with people who also work all the time and it’s sometimes a challenge to set boundaries when that happens.

A few times over the weekend I put in hours testing and documenting for yet another mid-sprint release. It’s beyond me why we (my boss) would choose to promise the customer a release of the code on a holiday weekend when half the team is either awol for a Vegas weekend or otherwise occupied with barbecues, family, friends, and… uh… drinking. Whatever though. I’ve calculated that each release takes about 6 hours of dedicated work on my part so that’s money in the bank.

I stopped responding to slack on Sunday evening and will get back to it today. Work life balance is necessary and what I have not been good at in the past is knowing where to draw the line. I do now though and will not make such mistakes again.

The other transition today is having the kids back at home and it’s the first full week of summer.. no school. That means they will be home all day while I’m trying to work. I’ve worked a fair bit at home in the past while they were there but not full time. We’ll see how that goes.

And now the best transition of them all.. my Facebook relationship status. That’s right people.. it’s FB official.. I’m in a relationship. We both talked about our mutual distaste for social media yesterday and irritations with FB in general. Despite that, we both still wanted to share, especially since we’ve now met a majority of the other persons family. When I arrived home last night that notification was waiting for me. It gave me a nice warm fuzzy inside and I happily accepted the status change.

According to FB, I’ve been single since 2010. Now I’m not. It’s about time! 😜 That’s quite a transition indeed! Next stop .. a very happy hump day!!

Time to Earn go those Tacos, 🌮 🌮 🌮

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-19 Eleven Week Meetup

It’s a rainy Saturday afternoon. I’m at the gym trying to work of a big lunch. JS an I were talking last night about the foods we used to eat when we were young and in HS and college and it reminded me of my very favorite thing ever (or was a hundred years ago).

Blue box macaroni and cheese paired with applesauce. It had to be Kraft and from the box, none of that easy Mac stuff they sell now. Talking about it gave me such a craving. When I was at the grocery earlier getting stuff to cook dinner I picked up a box and some sugar free organic applesauce. I made that for lunch today for C and I and it was so good. I overate a little and now I just feel full. Hopefully 10k steps on this machine will make me feel better.

Big deal for me later.. not only am I cooking dinner for us (first time for that), but he’s also meeting my kids. I mean, it feels like a big deal even though it’s really not. He’s a cool cat and my kids won’t care much. Hopefully we’ll have a nice dinner and good conversation and then he and I are headed across the Missouri to go to an art exhibit at my sisters building (she lives in an artist complex that’s an old building downtown turned into apartments). I’m sure it will all be fine but I’m kinda nervous anyway hoping it goes well.

The cooking part is kind of funny actually because he’s cooked for me no less than like two dozen times (or more) now. Just about every time I go to his place we have a meal and he’s never let me help. Well one morning I was on bacon duty. 😜

I’m totally not used to that. He pours me a glass of wine and I just sit there and watch him while he cooks, and we talk. This time I’m cooking and one must remember I’m used to cooking for my kids and I and we don’t ever eat anything fancy. Mostly because they are so picky and don’t like flavor. I’ve always been good at my job, but with all the domestic stuff, I’m very so-so.

After cooking for Simon a couple of times he sort of always gave me a look when the subject came up. “Oh honey, not everyone can be good at everything”. Gawd, but that was Simon.. always making me feel inadequate. “Can you crack an egg?” What a patronizing thing to say. JS would never do that and, of that, I am certain.

Anyway, so that’s going down in a couple of hours. It will be fine I’m sure. The trick will be to cook a meal everyone will like and nobody will turn their nose up. I want the kids to leave a good impression and People eye rolling and refusing to eat will just not do. I just really want the kids to like him and for him to like the kids. Today is the 11 week anniversary of the day we met. Wowza! Time flies. That’s a good amount of time to wait to introduce the kids right? I hope so.

I’d better get back to cleaning up the house now that my lunch has settled.

Peace Out, ✌️

~Miss SugarCookie