2018-05-20 The “Other” Sunday Status

This time I’m not looking at the last week or even the last month. I’m glancing back over my left shoulder at one year ago. One year ago today I asked my boss for a sabbatical.

The day after that I broke into tears over my failed relationship because I happened to see Orion’s Belt in a show Z and I watched together.

Right now, today, those things feel like a lifetime away. I was not granted the sabbatical and I quit my job. Still one of the best decisions of my life. I started dating again and after a series of unfortunate events, found my new love. The picture of my life right now is a vision I could not have imagined then.

I could not imagine cancelling a Meetup with Matt and not caring. I could not imagine getting a Masters degree in Writing. I could not imagine planning a future with someone new or not having a full time job or a life that’s everything I never even dared to dream about outloud. Yet here I am.

For most of the days of of my life, I’ve woke each day thankful and hopeful and happy. I’m a generally happy and positive person. I realize those tough times are but a blip on the record of my history. The hopeless days and nights that I was tortured with in 2016 are long gone.

The sleeplessness is gone. The constant contemplation about where I went wrong is gone. The unanswered questions that tried to murder me have faded to black and answers to questions I never asked are all around me. I’ve always been happy, but not like this. This is next level shit.

Someone once gave me the sage advice that it is ok to look back at the past, as long as you don’t stare. So this glance back today is just a glance. It’s just enough to remind me how far I’ve come as I roll through week after glorious week of “Sunday Status Updates”.

And I’ve come a long way baby!

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-01 Maui Day 3 🚧

We had quite an adventure today. Since we decided to visit the volcano tomorrow, due to the forecast, the plan for the day was pretty open. Z wanted to go to a couple places way up north on the northwest part of the island that she saw on a YouTube video earlier in the year so that is what we decided to do. Little did we know how interesting that would turn out to be.

Due to the fact that we drove the west coastline yesterday, we opted to drive the alternate route today, which was a narrow highway with twists and turns up through rainforest along the coast. The road was pretty fun actually and I didn’t have nearly the anxiety about it as I did with one I drove in Utah last year. Then the highway ended and it became a single lane road. The distance to our destination was relatively short, but the drive seemed long. We got to about 4 miles from the Nakalele Blowhole and ran right into a “road closed sign”. It was completely shut down with no way to get through. There was a cliff with drops to the ocean on one side, and solid rock wall on the other. There was nowhere to go but back the way we came.. and so we did.

However, just like everything else in life, I can’t be told “no” about anything without putting my foot down and saying “oh really, just watch me”. So we drove all the way back to the part of the main juncture of the island and proceeded to travel up the entire west coast.

When we arrived at the spot, we parked the car by the side of the highway and got out. We walked a short distance to a precipice that overlooked the entire scene. To the right of me, I could see the giant land formation which was the very same one I saw two hours before. We had been so damn close. We took a few pictures and then started our decent to the water below. It was fun climbing down the rocks, sort of racing to see who could find the best way down. The position of the sun caused our shadows to be cast on the ground below which was worthy of a pause to take a pic but it wasn’t long before we were down at sea level.

We wandered around a bit, being a little leery of getting too close to the hole because there were several warning signs about the danger of getting pulled into the ocean.

As I stood on the black, rocky volcanic ground and looked out at the waves crashing on the coastline to the right and to the left of me, I began to cry. It was such a fantastic view. I couldn’t believe how far I had come, both literally and figuratively. I watched my children from a brief distance and became overwhelmed with joy.

Z was sitting, patiently waiting for the next big eruption of water through the hole, her phone, perfectly positioned and ready to take a picture of the action. C had a small stick and was poking at tiny crabs that were in the of water that had collected in pools on the ground around us. We were all in our happy places.

We’re happy and healthy and getting to experience the most amazing things on this trip. It may be years before they truly appreciate it, or recognize how wonderful all of this is, but right then, in that moment, I did. I felt it like the ocean waves crashing on the rocks next to me. I felt how powerful nature can be and how powerful life is. And it wasn’t just about that moment, it was about the road we travelled to get there.

We drove the entire circle around Northwest Maui, save the estimated 4 or 5 miles of road that were closed just to get to a blowhole where the ocean waves crash up like a geyser. We had traveled across half of the United States and part of the Pacific Ocean to get to where we are today. Like life, the journey is long, but it is totally worth it.

And just like today, one can run into roadblocks in life and have to go the long way around, but if you keep going, you eventually make it to wherever it is you wanted to go. I’ve had quite a detour in my life these past couple of years, but I am still traveling and now quite positive I am on the right track.

***

We never made it to the second stop on the agenda, which was the Olivine pools. There are supposed to be crystal pools, again, formed out of the lave flow but containing crystal clear water you can swim in. The guidebook had really sketchy instructions on how to get there and we were pretty sure we were in the right spot, but because of our two hour delay it was much later in the day than I intended and the sun was going down. There was nobody around and we would have had to hike down through the woods to get there and it was definitely no the place you want to get lost in the dark alone. So we headed back.

Driving back down the west coast I finally got to see the sunset. We stopped the car along the side of the road and waked down to a little rocky area. I’ve concluded that we can’t go anywhere near the ocean without C wanting to get in it. 😃 It’s OK though, I want to take my time through each and every one of these moments that I can. Before too long, they will be grown and gone and I know I’m going to look back and wish I slowed down more often. I let him play a little while I did a thing I’ve always liked to do, which is hunt for pretty rocks.

We had a good day despite the “detour”. Now we are back at Ken’s house and just doing a bit of relaxing before bed. I’ve got lots more driving the next 3 days so I’m going to need all the rest I can get.

Aloha Ahiahi
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-28 Switching Gears.. In 3rd Person

The post that is the conclusion of the “to be continued” previous posts on career and health and romance will be coming to the WordPress reader steam near you soon. However, at this time we are interrupting that regularly scheduled programming to take you to our world traveling corespondent, Miss SugarCookie.

She will be blogging live from sunny warm Hawaii at this time tomorrow. 

Follow along as she navigates the wretched adventure that is Air travel with two of our favorite allies tagging along to provide the Gen Z outlook on the situation. 

After that, it will be 7 days of tropical bliss to follow. You can expect to read about Haleakala and Hana and whatever other awesomeness they encounter. 

Check back daily for philosophical epiphany inspired by the beauty in nature and how it feels to be sleeping in and basking in the sun of 85 degree days in November. 

This destination is a lifelong, bucket list dream of our beloved Miss SugarCookie. You won’t want to miss it!

Time now to go finish laundry and travel prep.. her bags won’t pack themselves. 😉

Totally Stoked!
~Miss SugarCookie

(Oh yeah, I’m a blogging staff of one. Impressive right?!)

2017-10-12 Strange Pathways

Life is a series of strange paths that lead us to other strange paths. This morning, one meandering down one path led me to a place in my past which is still recent enough to leave me feeling raw about it but far enough away now I can look back and recognize how far I have come.

When I opened my laptop I intended to write something new for my blog. Instead I got sucked into email and that led me to looking at links I had bookmarked. I was further distracted by the notion to finally organize my bookmarks into folders for ease of access. This task led me to discover a few sites I had bookmarked, goodness knows when, relating to submitting poetry. A thing I have often wanted to do but never done. Out of fear perhaps? Fear of rejection maybe? I don’t know, but whatever it was it’s gone now and so I think today would be a good day to start.

Digging a little deeper into one of the publications, they have a call for submissions with a deadline of November 1st. The theme.. Love and Justice. OK, that’s like one of my main things. Delicious fate.

As such, my search through Evernote with the word “love” in it would most assuredly turn up like a gazillion things, so I searched for “Justice” instead. This brought back less than 10 notes and here’s where the path gets a little bit strange. The top note is a journal entry I wrote on 10/12/2016.. exactly one year ago. I rarely look back at things I wrote about before unless I am so bored or in need of some spark. It is typically a last resort, but since the universe had dangled this carrot in front of me, I just had to try to take a bite. Less than ten seconds into reading and the reality hit me.

Last year, on this exact day, I was deep in the world of heartbreak and despair. I was frantic, falling apart, and fading. I was loosing weight and not sleeping. I was desperate to break through to Matt and confused by his stone wall. I had begun exhausting all my connections with my relationship woes and on a path of retreat unto myself. It was dire. I was a mess.

Thinking about it now gives me shivers. I remember how I felt being rejected time and again. I remember sitting on the stairs inside my house absolutely bawling from the pain. I remember how my heart ached, yes physically ached, and thinking I was never going to recover. It was the worst pain I have ever felt my entire life and crushing me daily was the feeling that I was alone. In a way, I was alone.

I was drowning and alone and relying on my writing for oxygen. I wrote two or three times a day during October last year. It’s amazing to think about where I was then and where I am now, but that’s how strange the pathways of life can be.

I didn’t start to publish my journal to this blog until January of this year, so all of that “stuff” from last year remains buried in a giant pile of electronic notes. I’m going to end this one by concatenating what I wrote on October 12 last year for posterity. It’s quite long, and I won’t be offended if you skip it, but it feels appropriate to recognize just how far I have come in a year and no better way to do that than a direct comparison.

Life is a series of strange paths that lead us to other strange paths. We should try and embrace the journey and not question too much what the purpose or meaning really is.

Forever Exploring,
~Miss SugarCookie

***

2016-10-12 C

A few days ago I said I had no poetry for this. I’ve written a lot of words in the last weeks and days but I truly have no poetic words for what I am going through now. How many times can I talk about how much I have cried? How many times did I cry during the movie I just watched? Three – and that was a romantic comedy that was rated R.

Now I know how people feel when they get their heart broken. It does not matter how or why or what the circumstances are. It just happens. Every song, every book, and yes, even the poetry inspired by the feeling that I am having right now. I’m overwhelmed with how much emotion is involved with this and am very lost for words that give it justice. I can’t even bring myself to try.

So many people with this shared emotion and yet I feel terribly alone. Always alone. Like the universe is, yet again, taking it’s due for the deals that we made. Deals that were made before I even understood what “sign on the dotted line” meant.

I’ve got folks that I have confided in, and they have been so wonderful listening to me and offering advice and really just taking a little slice of time in my day so that I did not have to spend that same slice of time laying on the floor of my hallway crying into a basket of clean towels. I am grateful for all those people and all those slices of time, but I still feel very, very alone.

I’ve spent countless hours now thinking through beginnings, middles, ends, and every last bit of conversation I can recall to put this puzzle together. I’ve come to conclusions and then torn them down again. I’ve steeled my resolve only to have it melt away like butter with the rain on a random Wednesday morning.

“Sugar into melted butter”. That was me and Matt in 2012. Things on the internet sometimes never go away.

http://iloveinomaha.com/294

I wanted to shout from the rooftops about how in love I was, but always felt this was not acceptable. That’s a problem, but not an unsolvable problem that is just like all other things I thought were issues. There are always issues, but “Some days, you have to choose to like each other”. I failed at doing that. I won’t make that mistake again.

You don’t get to be our age (which is to say an adult) and not have issues and baggage and trials and successes and failures. Life is just like that. You don’t wake up one day with all the answers and have it all figured out and announce “I’m out” like Costanza who wanted to end on a high note. It’s a constant balancing act and sometimes a rollercoaster. I just want another chance at the ride.

Not just any ride though. I want the one with Matt. I already know the first clicks up the ramp. I already know what to do. That is what happens when you make mistakes – you learn and grow and are able to do better the next time around.

I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing things from this perspective right now. The timing being off and this waiting for him to come to some conclusion are killing me but if he comes out of the other side of this in agreement with me, then we will be so strong. If not, then better he figure that out now than in a year or two down the road. I don’t even want to think about the latter but while I wait it is being forced upon me. I’m stuck here thinking about all the possible outcomes. ..and that’s not healthy because it has put me in a very dark place.

I have no appetite and am not really eating much. I have not had a good night sleep in a little bit now. Both of these are cause for concern. I told my mom today I had lost 5 lbs. That’s 5lbs off an already small frame. I don’t have much more to spare and still have energy to function (unless my body starts using the fat in my butt). When I eat, I am making good choices, mostly, and I’m drinking a lot of water. It’s just that my caloric intake has been pretty low.

Its almost 11 now and I’m going to get to sleep soon. Maybe tonight will be the night I get more than 4 hours. If not, tomorrow I am calling Dr. Vana.

The girl with no poetry,
~Shyla

 

2017-02-01 The Trapezoid

I’m stuck in a place where I feel like I can’t move on. I can’t sit still, yet I can’t move. It’s maddening.

I’ve got this logical brain, right? (it’s rhetorical but the answer is yes). Sometimes I see life like a flowchart on a piece of paper. You’re on a path and each time you come to a rectangle, you just do what it says. When you come to a diamond in the road, it has one simple question associated which has a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer. The question has to be simple. It’s already been broken down into the lowest denominator. You just have to decide. If it’s “Yes” then you keep going straight. If it’s “No” then you have to take a left. Then you move on and do what the next rectangle says.

You continue along the path like this. Each time you happen upon a diamond, you stop, decide, and move on in the appropriate direction. Eventually, you will get where you are meant to go. That’s logical.

Yet here I am at this fucked up shape. What is it.. a trapezoid? It’s not a decision. It’s not an action. Is it a process that needs to happen? Am I waiting for more inputs? Who’s the data entry person? How long do I wait? If I don’t get what I need am I supposed to skip this step? Is there some threshold or overflow condition that can get me off this step? I’m confused and it just doesn’t make sense. It’s not logical.

I told my friend at dinner I need to have a conversation with Matt and he told me I don’t. I told him I think I need some closure and he said I don’t. He said I can choose to just let it go and move on. And then he asked me, “do you want to move on?”.

This question kind of blew my mind a little bit. It was so simple.

Then I started thinking.. Can this be right? Is this really a diamond? Have my eyes been so blurry from all the tears that I thought what I was dealing with was was a trapezoid when all along it was a diamond? I’m trying to focus on it now… I’m trying hard to see it…and it IS a diamond.

And the answer is “Yes”. It’s a simple, glorious, undeniable “YES”. So now I can move again. I get to keep going straight and do whatever comes next. It’s feels like such a relief.

Now.. I sure as hell hope I don’t run into any real trapezoids. That would be seriously rotten.

First Blog Post

2016 was arguably the toughest year of my life thus far.

At the start of a new year I generally do some evaluation of the previous year and I have not really done that because I feel like I have done enough thinking about everything that was my 2016. I’ve thought and thought and thought and have dug a nice little hole for myself in that.

So instead of more analysis of the past, I am going to try to change things in 2017 with actions and with words. I need to be on a path that leads to a healthier, happier life and while I admit, I don’t have a concrete plan for what that looks like, I feel it is key to document my journey. This WordPress default “First Blog Post” is the sun on the edge of a vast horizon.. Ready to rise.

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