2019-10-26 Much Ado About a Wedding

It’s official.. the final countdown is here! It’s 99 days until I make a vow to spend the rest of my life with another person. Like a lot of big decisions in life, I have doubts and fears but I think that’s always going to be the case. It’s just the Way of things.

Am I ready? No. Will I ever be? No. That’s also the Way. That’s what having faith is about and trusting your greater instincts. I recognize how wonderful things are and just have to allow myself to not get too bunched up with little annoyances and doubts. At the end of the day I believe we were meant to be together and as life moves forward plans unfold and life just happens. Just like this whole wedding thing is going to happen.

99 days and the train is rolling and there are no brakes. We have most of the big things taken care of.. we have a place to get married and a reception hall and someone to marry us. I have a dress and shoes and he has a suit and just this week we found the perfect shirt for him that matches the dress. I also received the invites in the mail this week. Once those go out, there’s really no stopping the train.

Last weekend Jim and I went to a wedding which was sort of serendipitous. A few weeks back I received a text from a guy I used to work with at Methodist Hospital with a pic of an invite he said was returned with a wrong address. I’ve moved several times since he and I hung out on a regular basis so that makes sense. I haven’t talked to this guy in like 10 years, but we decided to go to his wedding anyway to experience the vibe and pick up on anything we might be missing with regard to our own planning.

Probably the biggest worry at this point is timing and logistics for that whole weekend. We’re planning a party at the house and also of course the ceremony and reception. We also want to put together music and a cute video that can play while people are arriving. My plan is to get all that sorted in November so we can go into the holiday without lot of loose ends or stuff to fret about.

Of course I’m sure there are things I’m not thinking of.. but I’m not too bothered by it. Again, I’m more nervous about just the idea of getting married again. That’s way more important. You know.. committing the rest of your life to one person. That’s very scary. Life is so unpredictable and you just never know what’s going to happen next.

I suppose things have just been so good and the last year and a half has been so different than anything I’ve ever had. It’s also gone by so fast I wonder what I might just not know or have not realized in the haze of falling in love. Am I missing some red flag? Am I the red flag? Perhaps that’s what is at the heart of my doubts and fears. You see how thinking too much about stuff can really mess with a persons head?

Tomorrow when I wake up, it will be 98 days to go and the day after that it will be 97 and February will be here before we know it. Yup. It’s happening.

Cheers to the Final Countdown! 🥂

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-06-17 The One About Marriage – Part 2

It’s Monday and the weekend went by too fast. We had a house full of teenagers again this go-round and it feels like I spent the entire weekend cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes. I don’t want this to turn into a rant but I just feel like I’ve gotta get it out. Every single time I walked through the kitchen, there was another mess waiting for me. I say “me” because clearly I’m the one with the lowest tolerance for mess.

In my head I’m all like “how hard is it to rinse your dirty dishes, wipe up spilled cheese or Ketchup, and not explode things in the microwave?” Apparently it’s pretty tough. And they seem fairly oblivious. It’s as if nobody has ever suggested they pick up after themselves before. Don’t even get me started on the lack of attention to recycling. I can’t tell you how many times I pulled empty soda cans and plastic cups out of the trash. I have to fight my own disgust but I do that because I hate to see recyclable materials go into the trash. But, again, I should not dwell here too long. Life is too short.

Among other things we did this past. weekend was the forward progress on wedding planning. I think it was Friday night when I finally breached the subject about my wedding angst with Jim. In truth, I put more weight on the wedding than the marriage, just like I did when I first opened the topic here in “Part 1”.

I began with the story about my first wedding and how it all just happened and I was a tangent in my own life. I never dreamed of a wedding growing up. I never had visions of what I wanted. I never even wanted to get married, as I grew up in a household in constant transition because of failed relationships.

When I was 19 and was unexpectedly proposed to, that set the wheels in motion and it was like a train on the tracks with no brakes. It was all sort of too much and there I was, outside myself and watching it happen. I was focused on finishing my associates degree and navigating a long distance relationship with my betrothed. All the while my future mother-in-law was planning our wedding.

Food, cake, flowers, balloons, centerpieces, bows for the end of the pews in the church, invitations, drinks, glasses to toast with, a knife to cut the cake, and some cute “precious moments” cake topper. No detail was too small and it was all just taken care of. I picked the color theme, midnight blue and black, but I guess midnight blue was tough to accommodate and we ended up with a bunch of stuff that was a lighter shade of blue – bridesmaid dresses, balloons, cummerbunds, and all the bows on everything. I picked the invitation, which was a black rose next to the text and that was the extent of my contribution.

The truth is that they probably asked me and I didn’t care. I was the anti-bridezilla. I didn’t even have my own dress. His mom gave me her dress and it fit and was good enough so I went with that. It was great because then I would not have to spend time dress shopping or spend any money on something I was only going to wear once. I digress.

On Friday night I told Jim I wasn’t sure about the whole wedding thing and that spending thousands of dollars just doesn’t seem justified. Let’s just say we rented a hall. That’s like $1000 right there. Catering will likely be $2500 and I have no idea how much decorations or all the little details will cost but I can easily see that the whole thing could cost $5000 or more. That’s enough for a really great vacation. Poof, gone.

We didn’t get very far with that conversation because there were other goings on and it just melted into the drama of other thoughts. He just said, “well just keep looking at the options and see how we feel”. We were seeing our first possible venue on Saturday so i agreed and so that was it.

On Saturday we went to check out two possible celebration locations and seeing those did nothing to sway my feelings. It didn’t make me excited and I had a hard time visualizing the event despite One of the spaces being decorated for a wedding reception already. The gal showing us the spaces was nice enough and provided a lot of detail for both. She even showed me pictures on her phone of different ideas.

All I kept thinking was that on top of everything else, the lions share of deciding how it should look is going to fall on me. Knowing what you want is sometimes the toughest part of any decision. How do you choose your job, your weekend plans, what to eat for dinner?. I’m so “go with the flow”, I don’t typically care. Perhaps it was good My now ex-MIL planned the last one.

I just did the math. That was 26 years ago. Good grief!!

One of the venues was ruled out completely because it was presumably too small for the amount of people we will likely invite. The other was large enough but I just didn’t get the right vibe. I could not tell if that was just me or because I didn’t like it. The best thing that came from the whole affair was the conversation that it spurred.

We talked about the guest list, what we both think about the entire weekend and what might be best in light of different dynamics involved. It was good for me to hear his thoughts. It makes it feel like more of a joint effort where both of us are involved. It makes me think that at the heart of my trepidation lies fear of divided and targeted roles and lines in the sand.

I don’t want to be the sole person responsible for always deciding things and always cleaning the kitchen. I’m looking past the wedding to the important part.. the marriage. It needs to be a partnership and a team and this whole wedding planning thing is a great litmus test. Though I have no idea what I would do if we fail.

By my latest estimate, we have about a month before the “save the date” postcards need to go out. That’s a thing now. I spent some time on Sunday going through hundreds of pics I’ve taken in the last year looking for good snaps we could use in the announcement. It was a nice reminder that the last year of my life has been pretty freaking great.

I know all of our years will not be like the first one we met, but if I hold the past year up as it’s own test, the marriage we are planning will be wonderful. I just need to keep that in mind. The wedding is just a blip in time, the marriage is what really matters.

I need to count myself among the fortunate ones. I’ve already figured out what I want and what I need and finally found that. So much of life is perspective and perception.

This “Part 2” is not the conclusion. There is more. I’m just peeling back the layers which will hopefully lead me to the answers I seek. It’s who I am. It’s why I’m here. I suppose it’s a good thing I’m no longer procrastinating thinking about it. Baby steps, you know?

The minutia of the day plays a part in all of it of course. And that will be fine as long as I don’t get stuck there in an endless “while” loop.. washing piles of dirty dishes and fishing soda cans out of the trash. Can I get a line of code with a conditional exit please? 😜

That’s all for today I suppose. T-minus 24 hours until I’m “on the move” again. Tomorrow’s agenda will be another change of scenery.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-22 In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Sometimes you see someone you have not seen in a really long time and they have their kid with them and the last time you saw them he or she was just a baby. You realize when you look this snarky teenager up and down that 15 years have gone by. How could that be?

Sometimes I don’t stop and think about the passage of time unless this happens or there is a certain date on the calendar that reminds me of something that happened long ago. Today was one of those days.

This day in history was the day I got married. It was a long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I was 19 years old and had no idea what being an adult was all about, let alone making a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. I wasn’t brought up with good ole’ church values to know what it meant when I made vows before God and all those witnesses that I would love and obey my husband until death due us part. I certainly did not understand what for better or worse meant. When you are a middle-class nineteen the worst think you can think of is not having a car to go where you want or not getting to stay out past curfew. So how was I to know?

Anyway, that really does feel like a galaxy away now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and when I come across a wedding photo, I can’t believe my parents even let me get married or encouraged it. If my daughter told me she was getting married anytime before she was 25, I would sit her down and have a long serious talk with her.

Today I was in the office, sort of waiting for something other than nothing to happen. I was just going about my business and suddenly this complete sadness crept into my world. On top of all the things I am dealing with now, work and Matt and Josh. On top of my “any minute now” monthly cycle starting. On top of my perpetual tired feeling, I have this. Sing it with me as I limbo.. “How low can you go”?

I’m back home and any minute now, Josh is going to pick me up and take me for a coffee. I told him it wasn’t a good idea because I was in a really low place. I told him I wasn’t going to be good company. He’s coming over anyhow.

It’s raining out now, just like it did on my wedding day. As I stare out the window of my office and the drops of rain come in and out of focus on the glass, I wonder if I will ever get married again. I wonder if the sun will shine on my face as I smile up at the person I was destined to be with. I wonder how he will propose and if it will be as magical as I have dreamed. I wonder if that moment will cause all the memories of the moments that came before to shift and fade. I wonder if I will ever remember this moment in time after that one has happened.

I can’t see out into the future but I sure hope those kinds of moments are yet to come. Right now, it’s tough to even consider that a possibility. Perhaps in some other distant place and time in yet another galaxy far, far away.

Another Day in the Life,
~Miss SugarCookie