2017-11-15 I’m Ready.. Let’s Go!

Yesterday I woke up uninspired and unmotivated and today I woke up energized and ready to take on the world. I could spend a while pontificating on why that is but I might not get very far.

I had relatively the same amount of sleep. I Went to bed at the roughly the same time. I had the same sort of day ahead. What’s the difference. Was it something I ate? Hormones? Quality of sleep? A three quarter moon on a Thursday? What’s the deally-o, yo?

See.. No answers, just more questions. Time to move on.

Right now I’m back on my elliptical at the gym jamming to random tunes on shuffle. I mean really random. No playlist, no station, no genre.. just me saying to the universe, “Give me what you got baby. I can take it”. So far I’ve had Pink, Maroon Five, Train, Chicago (which I elected to skip), Daft Punk, Phil Collins, and now Alanis.

Interesting mix. I wonder what message the Universe is trying to send me. I could go on a tangent about this too but, again, I know for a fact that ends in more questions instead of answers.

I feel like I’m becoming a master at typing on my phone while elliptical-ing. Speaking of masters, I’m embarking on yet ANOTHER new endeavor today. I’m going to an informational orientation on becoming a master gardener.

It’s a program offered by the county and from what I understand involves classes and community service hours. It’s actually a collaboration between both Sarpy and Douglas counties. The meeting is at the library in my area. I think they start “classes” soon-ish and then when spring comes round, they have assignments around town assisting with gardens in “public” spaces. That’s all just educated guessing though.

This is another area of interest of mine I’ve been putting off for years. And there is no more room for “putting off” in my life. The time is here. The time is now. I’m ready.. Let’s do this!

Perhaps this meeting is the reason I’m more pumped for the day. Perhaps, but does it also explain why my outlook on the future is so positive today as opposed to yesterday when I was freaking out about my job situation? Nope.. I don’t think so. 🤔

It’s most certainly all connected though. There is not one single person, event, or thought that is not connected in some way. This is why I can trust the Universe to control my “shuffle”. I guess that’s my version of faith. No matter what the unanswered questions are.. it’s going to work out!

On that note, I’m now jamming to Fall Out Boy, “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race”. How appropriate (and one of my favs!). That’s my cue to cut it.

Let’s Go!

~Miss Sugarcookie

2017-06-21 Still Too Much – Part Two (The Talking Heads Edition)

Two blog posts in one day.. that has not happened in a long time. It must mean that too much is still too much and I’m having trouble handling it. I’m just winding down for the day and am laying in my bed thinking about this reality. I’m fighting the urge to go down to the kitchen and eat the one piece of strawberry pie I brought home from my dad’s house.

I don’t have my kids tonight and probably have too much time to think for my own good. This means that the door is open for questions.. which sort of feels like that one Talking Heads song. I’m about to have what feels like a “Once in a Lifetime” opportunity and I’m asking myself…

“Well”…“How did I get here?”

I’ve got a beautiful house
and a beautiful garden
and two beautiful children.
I’ve got so much but still feel lost and alone.
I had a good job and now I don’t.
I’ve seen a lot of wonderful things in my lifetime so far,
But so unsure about the future.

I’ve made choices I can’t ever undo.
I just have to go with the flow, You know
Like water flowing underground.

How do you continue to choose
when you can’t ever know
Where that choice will lead
Where that highway goes?

Will I forever be questioning
“Am I right? Am I wrong?”
And tomorrow I may be wondering
“My God! What have I done”?

***
Yup – that about sums up how I am feeling right now, or at least the only way I can articulate it.

I’m getting ready to turn in I guess.. see if I can actually sleep.

Until Tomorrow,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-28 The Great Unraveling

I was going to try to sleep on the plane but my brain had other plans for me. I watched the sunset down into the soft desert hills as we ascended to our cruising altitude. I tried to just focus on the beauty and enjoy it but that was not in the cards either. Instead I thought about this week, and my work, and my life and became very sad.

I got my phone out and took pictures of the plane wing cutting across the horizon and thought about how last night when I got back to my hotel room I was so destroyed I could not do anything but take a shower and cry. As the jets of steamy hot water washed the emotions of the day off my skin, so to did the tears streaming from my eyes. I did not realized how overwhelmed I was until I began to unravel.

It reminded me of that night in December I had a party at my house and got so drunk that I blacked out. When I “came around”, I was in the shower just bawling. I can remember crying out loud that “I didn’t want to do this anymore”. I remember my friend Steph on the other side of the curtain (or door) reassuring me that it was going to be OK and that we all have been there. She made sure I got to bed OK. That’s all I remember. I never wanted to feel that way again. Yet somehow I felt that way again. This time, there was no drinking involved.

I ask myself “How did I get here?”. I start by thinking about all the circumstances I am in now. On a plane flying home from a work trip that was just terrible. The team made it a success, miraculously, but the faces of those people across the conference room table are etched in my mind now and I can’t forget everything we went through in just one short week. Those are the longer threads wound around the ball that’s at the heart of me. Right on the surface and so recent and hard to stop thinking about.

Unwinding just a little more that thread leads directly to my situation at work. My constant struggle with my place in the company. My current unease with the executive management and their decisions and the way they treat people. I’m dedicated, and those people (customers) across that table or phone or PC really matter to me, but how long can I stand the constant drama? I need to either let it go and find peace or leave the company. It’s tough when these are the choices. The ball gets a little smaller as it unravels and the thoughts start to come faster.

Tough choices I’ve had to make have led me to be single. And I think that there is still a part of me that feels like that was a mistake, so I don’t want to chance making another big change and feeling 6 months or a year down the road that was a mistake.

I’m single and really struggling with being single. I’m struggling with letting go of that relationship, which seems like it was all just a mirage. Why do five years of my life feel like a mirage? How could I have been in it for so long before realizing it wasn’t real. But it was real. It had to have been. What I am feeling now is real. I still miss him. I still miss us. I have moments that remind me why I made that choice, but they are few and far between now. I can’t help but look out at the sunset and feel just completely full of sadness and regret. So is that it? Is that what is at the core of it all?

Not quite yet, because what lies just a little deeper are the biggest questions that I can never escape. What am I doing with my life? Am I a good person? Why am I here and what is my purpose? And what is the meaning of it all? And that, my friends, is what I think is at the very center.

Now that it is all lying in a big pile criss-crossed on the floor in front of me what can I possibly do but start to cry? No wonder a girl can’t sleep on a plane. Good grief.

Maybe Next Time,
Miss SugarCookie

2017-02-28 The Struggle

I’m constantly putting myself and my life under a microscope. Then the pendulum swings and I’m 10,000 feet above myself and wondering “Why am I here and what is the purpose of it all?”

I eat too much because I enjoy the taste of the food and it brings me satisfaction but then I’m unhappy about the way I look or feel.

I sometimes drink because I just want to get that quick easy feeling but then lose track of how much and end up regretting it.

Sometimes I leave my kids alone in the house to go workout. Exercising makes me feel good, but after the fact I feel guilty about not spending more time with them.

Sometimes I want to feel too much, but then I’m overcome by it and find myself back at the beginning… Magnifying glass in hand.

I give myself breaks and then I crack down hard. I set goals, but then make excuses for myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations. I’m accountable to everyone and no one. I’m a walking, talking, bonafide hypocrite. Or maybe I’m not. I just don’t know.

I want to get more sleep, but then I stay up late when I know that I have a limited amount of time before I have to be up and working. I should go to sleep now, but I don’t want to. I want to write and listen to music and try to find words to express every single moment I felt today that made me happy to be alive. So making a choice ends up being so tough. Either way, one thing loses and the other one wins.

It’s a constant struggle. What will tomorrow bring? Will there be answers? There is only one way to know for certain…

2017-02-15 The Strangest of Days

I ran through my entire day today on less than two hours of collective sleep last night. I worked, and walked, and went to my son’s parent teacher conferences.

I was highly productive this morning assisting in fixing issues at upwards of 6 customers and finished annual peer reviews on 4 of my co-workers. Throughout the day I answered dozens of emails and provided feedback to my teammates when they had questions.

I put away my clean laundry (except for matching socks), managed to get to the store to buy cat food, and hit up the Dunkin’ for a macchiato.

I found time to walk an hour around the lake under the warm rays of the sun as it was another beautiful February day. I did something I have never done before which is to bring a bottle of honey mead to enjoy along the way. By the time the walk was done, I was so tired and silly, but felt amazing.

I cooked tacos for dinner and sacrificed Jazzercise for a one hour power nap before conferences.

At parent teacher conferences I listened intently at the broken record that my son’s teachers were playing about him not doing his homework. “He’s extremely bright, and scores well on tests and participates in class, but just does not turn in his assignments”. Over and over, like 6 times. I could do an entire blog post about this topic alone. Good grief.

As I said, I did all this on almost no sleep last night and I’m still going because I’m sitting at my laptop right now writing about it. I’m actually not sure how I am still awake and what is even stranger is that I’m feeling so good. It just does not make sense to me how this could all work out, when it could have and should all gone horribly wrong today.

What makes the body endure? What makes the mind persist? What power can grant such sustainability on one day and render a person completely useless the next? These are questions that I may never have the answer to. I just have to learn to appreciate the strange and accept the unknowns.

2017-02-01 The Trapezoid

I’m stuck in a place where I feel like I can’t move on. I can’t sit still, yet I can’t move. It’s maddening.

I’ve got this logical brain, right? (it’s rhetorical but the answer is yes). Sometimes I see life like a flowchart on a piece of paper. You’re on a path and each time you come to a rectangle, you just do what it says. When you come to a diamond in the road, it has one simple question associated which has a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ answer. The question has to be simple. It’s already been broken down into the lowest denominator. You just have to decide. If it’s “Yes” then you keep going straight. If it’s “No” then you have to take a left. Then you move on and do what the next rectangle says.

You continue along the path like this. Each time you happen upon a diamond, you stop, decide, and move on in the appropriate direction. Eventually, you will get where you are meant to go. That’s logical.

Yet here I am at this fucked up shape. What is it.. a trapezoid? It’s not a decision. It’s not an action. Is it a process that needs to happen? Am I waiting for more inputs? Who’s the data entry person? How long do I wait? If I don’t get what I need am I supposed to skip this step? Is there some threshold or overflow condition that can get me off this step? I’m confused and it just doesn’t make sense. It’s not logical.

I told my friend at dinner I need to have a conversation with Matt and he told me I don’t. I told him I think I need some closure and he said I don’t. He said I can choose to just let it go and move on. And then he asked me, “do you want to move on?”.

This question kind of blew my mind a little bit. It was so simple.

Then I started thinking.. Can this be right? Is this really a diamond? Have my eyes been so blurry from all the tears that I thought what I was dealing with was was a trapezoid when all along it was a diamond? I’m trying to focus on it now… I’m trying hard to see it…and it IS a diamond.

And the answer is “Yes”. It’s a simple, glorious, undeniable “YES”. So now I can move again. I get to keep going straight and do whatever comes next. It’s feels like such a relief.

Now.. I sure as hell hope I don’t run into any real trapezoids. That would be seriously rotten.