2021-06-05 Cliches About Time are Cliche Because of Their Truth

The push and pull of all these days blurs into a gravity that begs to be let go of. Time is relative. Emotions are relative. Thoughts are relative. The next thing can only be measured against the last and the moment in time that lingers longer than it should, repeating itself in the mind, becomes greater as time passes. It’s natural.

Funny how the more you want to let it go, the harder it holds on and the harder you want to hold onto it, the faster it slips away. Why? I often think that I’m not ready to work on answers to the questions yet, because I’m still working on the questions. Maybe in my last minutes wandering this waking world I’ll come to understand the questions. Maybe then, and only then, I will feel ready for the answers. 

Since the funeral on Thursday, I’ve been replaying the same moment in my head over and over again. Each time I think maybe I can get through it without that emotional swell that brings me to tears. 

My mom and I arrived 20 minutes early for the funeral and there was no one in the receiving line before entering the main part of the chapel. Even before I saw the line, I could feel my emotions rising through my body, in my stomach, and up into my throat. By the time I was standing in front of my ex, i was already full and bursting from the eyes. I attempted to maintain my composure as I gave him a light hug and offered my condolences. 

Next was his mom, who I had been most worried about and felt very sad for. She hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, she loves me, she’s glad I came, thanks for sending flowers, and that I’ve done a good job raising the kids. 

See, I can’t think of it now without tearing up again. 

I was worried and anxious and had nothing to worry about. I wish I had been more prepared. So many unsaid things are in my head and it’s too late for me to say them. So now they are stuck inside of me. And now I realize it’s too late, their “stuck-ness” hurts. 

I proceeded down the receiving line. Kristy, Wendy, Scott, and Larry. Family that used to be my family. Family that would be my family had I stayed married. Family that I was separated from suddenly and unnaturally. It was the toughest part of my divorce and standing there I was reduced to my younger self, broken and exposed and not knowing what to say. 

I hugged each person in turn, followed by my mom making easy casual conversation with folks the way she does. Why couldn’t I have inherited her easy social nature? 

We proceeded into the church and selected a spot near the back of the room. The service was nice. The personal portion was touching and the religious portion allowed me to splay my thoughts in different directions. 

My children were there, sitting with their cousins and though I said hello to them, it felt like I was approaching strangers, not really a part of that circle. They are all so grown up. The oldest cousin having children of his own now. That’s life. 

We didn’t stay for the reception after. My mom was in a hurry to get going. I almost regretted bringing her as I may have stayed longer if it wasn’t for her. It was probably for the best. I don’t really belong anyway and it would have been awkward. 

That was 2 days ago and that 120 second clip of navigating the interactions in that line will not stop replaying in my mind. Two mornings now I’ve woke up thinking about it. The words whispered, the embraces, the flood of emotions. It leaves me wondering what I will need to do to release myself from repeating that memory. That’s the question. 

I’ve told three people, and each time I began to get weepy and still that did not help. I’m hoping writing this will help. I guess we’ll see. Time will tell. 

Time heals and time wounds. Time is forgiving and cruel. Time keeps its secrets until it’s too late, revealing the questions when the answers no longer matter. 

My former father-in-law is gone and I can no longer tell him how I feel about him and how much he means to me, my memories locked inside because I’m not able to sit around the table with the family and reminisce. 

I can’t reach back in time and change anything. I can’t rewind and ask my grandfather about his life. I can’t stay in touch with Stacey and convince her life is worth sticking around for or change the way I treated KS. Life goes on and as cliche as it is, it waits for no one. 

That’s a good a place as any to stop. There’s more I could say about family and attempting to spend more quality time lately, but it’s Saturday and going to be hot out and I need to water my plants. 

Another cliche but so true—there’s no time like the present.

With peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-21 Orion’s Belt

Last night Z and I were watching “Stranger Things” and at the end of one of the episode the camera pans up to the sky. It’s a sky full of stars. My heart sinks just a little.

Looking up at the stars was one of those things I loved to do with Matt. Whether it be out on a road trip (the Badlands being just the best star viewing I’ve ever had in my life), or driving in his convertible, or just a random walk late at night. It was just good, and I miss it. We should have done more when we had the chance. Oh, that sneaky regret.

Even when I went to STL in March, I caught myself looking up and just feeling full. Full of emotion. I search for Orion’s Belt and that’s like my little secret. One thing I own, that nobody can take from me, no matter how good or bad it makes me feel. The feelings are mine.

Matt and I had re-connected a little bit before my Phoenix Trip and before Austin and he indicated he wanted to see me again. We’d seen each other twice recently. The first time was to hash over our relationship and the state of things and the second time was just lunch, and to talk more. Both times left me wanting more.

I revealed all this to my Austin crew and they insisted it was not healthy for either one of us to continue to talk or see each other. I agreed, but that does not make it easier to let go. That’s exactly what their point was.. you can’t let go if you keep in contact. They suggested I reach out and let him know that I did not want any contact. They also suggested, as a first step, that I unfriend, unfollow, and uneverything on social media. I hate social media so that first step was easy.

That second step though, what a doozie. On one hand, I do get feels from seeing him and talking to him, but it does leave a tiny little spark in the back of my brain. That spark is hope for the future, of which, I am sure there is none. On the other hand, my influence into his world is not healthy. If he’s talking to me as a friend and looking for an objective opinion, I’m not going to be able to do that justice. I care about him, and want him to find out what he’s after, but will always be leaning on the side of advice that is in my best interest. That’s a tough pill.

On top of this, he’s probably still seeing Lindsay and it is not fair to her to have him lunching and chatting with his ex. I probably would not have been OK with that when we were dating, so I am sure she would not be either. Not that I owe her anything, but I don’t want to be “that girl” that’s making waves. Best to just cut ties completely.

So a few days ago I sent an email stating these three main points as reasons I don’t think we should communicate or see each other anymore. It’s tough, but I had to do it. Like so many times in the past, I wish I had acknowledgement that he got it and read it or something, but I probably won’t.

He hasn’t texted me since then, so that’s probably enough proof right there. I guess if he did read it and disagreed, then there would be a response, but otherwise, I probably won’t hear from him for at least a little while.

It does not mean I don’t miss it, or want it, or am reminded of things when I look up in the sky. I absolutely do, but that’s my burden to sort through now, and really mine alone. Orion will always be up there. I just have to figure out how to let go of the connection ad make it mine again.

Twinkle, Twinkle,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-02-28 The Struggle

I’m constantly putting myself and my life under a microscope. Then the pendulum swings and I’m 10,000 feet above myself and wondering “Why am I here and what is the purpose of it all?”

I eat too much because I enjoy the taste of the food and it brings me satisfaction but then I’m unhappy about the way I look or feel.

I sometimes drink because I just want to get that quick easy feeling but then lose track of how much and end up regretting it.

Sometimes I leave my kids alone in the house to go workout. Exercising makes me feel good, but after the fact I feel guilty about not spending more time with them.

Sometimes I want to feel too much, but then I’m overcome by it and find myself back at the beginning… Magnifying glass in hand.

I give myself breaks and then I crack down hard. I set goals, but then make excuses for myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations. I’m accountable to everyone and no one. I’m a walking, talking, bonafide hypocrite. Or maybe I’m not. I just don’t know.

I want to get more sleep, but then I stay up late when I know that I have a limited amount of time before I have to be up and working. I should go to sleep now, but I don’t want to. I want to write and listen to music and try to find words to express every single moment I felt today that made me happy to be alive. So making a choice ends up being so tough. Either way, one thing loses and the other one wins.

It’s a constant struggle. What will tomorrow bring? Will there be answers? There is only one way to know for certain…