Last night Z and I were watching “Stranger Things” and at the end of one of the episode the camera pans up to the sky. It’s a sky full of stars. My heart sinks just a little.
Looking up at the stars was one of those things I loved to do with Matt. Whether it be out on a road trip (the Badlands being just the best star viewing I’ve ever had in my life), or driving in his convertible, or just a random walk late at night. It was just good, and I miss it. We should have done more when we had the chance. Oh, that sneaky regret.
Even when I went to STL in March, I caught myself looking up and just feeling full. Full of emotion. I search for Orion’s Belt and that’s like my little secret. One thing I own, that nobody can take from me, no matter how good or bad it makes me feel. The feelings are mine.
Matt and I had re-connected a little bit before my Phoenix Trip and before Austin and he indicated he wanted to see me again. We’d seen each other twice recently. The first time was to hash over our relationship and the state of things and the second time was just lunch, and to talk more. Both times left me wanting more.
I revealed all this to my Austin crew and they insisted it was not healthy for either one of us to continue to talk or see each other. I agreed, but that does not make it easier to let go. That’s exactly what their point was.. you can’t let go if you keep in contact. They suggested I reach out and let him know that I did not want any contact. They also suggested, as a first step, that I unfriend, unfollow, and uneverything on social media. I hate social media so that first step was easy.
That second step though, what a doozie. On one hand, I do get feels from seeing him and talking to him, but it does leave a tiny little spark in the back of my brain. That spark is hope for the future, of which, I am sure there is none. On the other hand, my influence into his world is not healthy. If he’s talking to me as a friend and looking for an objective opinion, I’m not going to be able to do that justice. I care about him, and want him to find out what he’s after, but will always be leaning on the side of advice that is in my best interest. That’s a tough pill.
On top of this, he’s probably still seeing Lindsay and it is not fair to her to have him lunching and chatting with his ex. I probably would not have been OK with that when we were dating, so I am sure she would not be either. Not that I owe her anything, but I don’t want to be “that girl” that’s making waves. Best to just cut ties completely.
So a few days ago I sent an email stating these three main points as reasons I don’t think we should communicate or see each other anymore. It’s tough, but I had to do it. Like so many times in the past, I wish I had acknowledgement that he got it and read it or something, but I probably won’t.
He hasn’t texted me since then, so that’s probably enough proof right there. I guess if he did read it and disagreed, then there would be a response, but otherwise, I probably won’t hear from him for at least a little while.
It does not mean I don’t miss it, or want it, or am reminded of things when I look up in the sky. I absolutely do, but that’s my burden to sort through now, and really mine alone. Orion will always be up there. I just have to figure out how to let go of the connection ad make it mine again.