First and foremost.. holy hell!! Serious snow fall over the weekend. I don’t remember the last time it snowed on Tax day, but that’s exactly what happened.
My Saturday girls game day plans got postponed to next Saturday and I opted out of monthly wine night. Both were partially selfish as 1) I was still fairly under the weather and 2) I was hanging with JS and didn’t want to leave.
So instead we sat around on Saturday and watched the snowfall. On Sunday we had plans to visit Winterset Iowa and the famous “Bridges of Madison county”. We made the most of it despite the freezing temps. It’s being documented as the first road trip where we kissed “near” nearly every bridge.
How romantic. 😜
I say near because by the third bridge neither one of us wanted to get out of the car. We took pics from inside the car and tried to get the bridges in the background through the car windows. My toes were frozen and it was sloppy wet, muddy, and frankly a little unimpressive. I know these bridges were built in the 1800s, but they really look it. The covered structures were quite dilapidated and the insides were sadly littered with juvenile graffiti. At some point I’d like to see the movie that made the bridges famous. I bet they made them look awesome for that. I may never see the movie though. As huge of a hopeless romantic as I profess to be, I’ve never been much into romance novels or movies. Romantic comedy maybe, but mostly for the comedy.
In any case, I got some great pics of trees covered in snow and our first selfies and it kinda felt like we rewound time a little back to winter. Appropriate for a visit to Winterset I guess. We also had great conversations on the way out and back and when we arrived back home he cooked us dinner and then made us a fire and we finished off our weekend with a documentary about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. It turned out to be a really nice weekend.
I failed to collect Sunday stats because my fitbit battery ran out and I had taken it off at some point and didn’t have my charger. My charger is actually broken and to get it to charge I have to use a clip to hold it together so the connectors connect. I’ve been wanting to replace it for a while now, but they are pretty pricy. Actually I’ve wanted the Alta HR version since about the minute I bought mine (HR came out about 2 weeks after I bought the Alta I have, of course). It is on my list but I’ve been holding off to see how well I can stick to my new monthly budget. I’m pretty sure I forgot to wear it half of this past weekend and due to not feeling well, I am sure my stats were way down for the week anyway.
That trend continued this morning when I forgot again before going to the gym to grab it off the charger. The only thing worse than not getting the steps is getting steps and not getting credit for it. Ha!! I’m hoping that I can get back on top of my normal exercise routine this week. I’m almost fully recovered from he sickness that took over last week so it should be doable.
The other thing I did this weekend was start my taxes (yeah, I did just say start).
Hence the title of this blogpost.. “The Master Procrastinator.” Normally I try to get them done a few weeks in advance of the deadline, but this year has felt kinda crazy and it’s just never bubbled to the top of my list. Well, with the deadline looming, it is now at the very top of my list. It makes no sense for me to wait because I’ll probably be getting money back (I do every year), but it doesn’t stop me from procrastinating doing the actual paperwork. I also file electronically so I should even see my refund this week. Yay!
Well, I’m well into Monday now and it’s really time to tackle some work (and finish the taxes maybe), so I’d better get to it.
Happy Monday Peeps,
I’m still trying to get over whatever illness took over my body a few days ago. Some slightly annoying symptoms that will not seem to go away. Not enough to keep me from doing stuff, but bad enough to make me just not want to do stuff. I haven’t been at the gym for a few days now and my focus has been on work stuff and relationship stuff and everything seems to be on tilt.
And somewhere along the way, my daily blog has become a thing I’ve relied on my gym time for. This wasn’t how things were when I started over a year ago. I used to just carve out some time during the day, morning, afternoon, night, and sit down and write. When I discovered that I could actually type and do my elliptical at the same time, the game changed.
That time-saving, multi-tasking event has become a staple in my daily life. I would go in the mornings almost daily seven days a week and that’s where I would “do my time”, so to speak. I’ve gotten so good at it, and so used to it, that when I don’t go to the gym, I start missing days writing. The other thing that happens is that when I’m on some piece of exercise equipment and am not reading or writing (or talking to someone), I get incredibly bored and can barely stand to do it.
I tried to do the elliptical machine at residency at the hotel and that machine was not only hard, so I had to work extra hard, it wasn’t easy to balance and so I couldn’t really write. It was SOOOOO boring. Even listening to music, I would look down at my fitbit and it seemed like the steps were so slow to come. I’m sure I was actually getting a better workout, because I was working up more of a sweat, but it was a challenge to keep going.
This morning I felt well enough and did maybe half what I would normally do, but I was talking while I was on the machine and so not typing. Now as I sit here, it’s kind of amazing to me how much faster I can write on a keyboard than my phone. Strange what things one can forget.
I mean, normally when I am working on poetry, its short sentences and lots of thinking in between what I am doing so there is no need to type fast, but I can crank out paragraph after paragraph of my “stream of consciousness” thoughts in not time on this laptop. How could I have forgotten?!?
It’s been 6 weeks since the day I met JS and neither one of us had commitments this weekend so we’re planning on spending a lot of time together and I am really looking forward to that. We’re also getting some strange, really gross weather here right now and I’m hoping that does not interfere with our plans. Even if it does, I feel like we’ll do just fine sitting somewhere having a hot tea, watching the snowfall. I don’t know the last time it snowed this late in the year or temps dipping low enough for it to snow, but it does happen. That’s why I never plan on planting anything in the garden until May.
Mother’s day is the cutoff for that. After that, then it’s time to get to work and let me tell you, I am so ready for that change. To be honest, it’s kind of like this whole relationship thing. I have been ready for a change for a long time and this just feel so right. Everything in my insides tells me we are going to be great together. I’m so hopeful and positive and it does not seem to matter what the topic is, we can talk about anything and it’s so easy.
You know, you don’t get to be my age without going through some shit. I’ve had some.. everyone has. But things are so much easier when you have 1). Someone in your corner to talk to. 2.) Someone to be in your corner on things and help and support. 3.) Someone who cares. I’ve been missing that for a very long time.
Sure family and friends care, but they aren’t with you every day to lean on. It’s like I might have a meet-up with a family member or friend and it’s so great to talk and to ping ideas off off and do validation checks on things I’m thinking just to make sure I’m not crazy, but it’s on a whole new level when you have someone to talk to every day, and they know the backstory and you can trust that they will be there for you. Family and friends go back to their own lives, and I might not talk to them for weeks or even months, some people less than that. Having JS to talk to everyday has been another game changer already and I just never knew what I was missing. It’s incredible.
He’s incredible. He’s an incredible person. And I’m getting very attached and somehow am starting to see the future and can’t imagine my life without him in it. I know he feels the same way. I know it, because he’s told me. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or next week or a month from now, but I hope we can continue to grow together. I’ve fallen. I’ve fallen hard. I can’t imagine a scenario where he tells me it’s not going to work out. My confidence level is high now. I’ve been so ready for this change for so long. It’s definitely time for spring!
On that note.. time to go now, get ready for whatever we decide to do next.
(I don’t care that it is going to snow today)
Bring the Spring!!
I’m not gonna sugar coat this. My ex-husband is a supreme douchebag. My gawd.. it’s good that my BS threshold is so high, otherwise I’d probably have been pushed past a breaking point way before now.
The funny thing is, he gets so butt-hurt when people talk shit about his behaviors. If you do douchy things, people are going to call you a douche bag. It’s that simple. And my responsibility to have your back and defend you ended in March 15, 2010 when I signed those papers in a court of law. A bitter-sweet day, but absolutely necessary for me to pursue a better life.
For 8 years I’ve tried very hard to walk a line where on one side, was him and his behaviors and tactics and the other was my children and my desire to maintain positive relationships for their sake.
I still have a responsibility to be amiable for them, but my ability to spin a positive light around him despite his life decisions is waning. I just can’t.
Breaking news this week.. he quit his job. The one that he got to end his 4 year streak of not having a job. The one that my kids’ health insurance was through. The one that he complained about every single time I saw him because he hated it. “Boo-hoo”.
You mean to tell me you didn’t like your job (or just working probably). Welcome to the real world bro. Lots of people Work a job they don’t like because it serves a purpose.. income and insurance. Security for your family. Your children who depend on you to man up and be an adult and not just quit because you are not happy.
Ok.. back it up. People might give me the side-eye saying this. Didn’t I do the same thing last year?? Yes. But here’s the difference.
1. I had a plan and enough savings to carry me a certain amount of months.
2. I’ve worked 20+ years in my field and have a great reputation and mad skillz (spelling isn’t one of them). 😜 So I knew I could get another job without too much trouble. He doesn’t have that.
3. Before I quit, I made sure he could take over the insurance for the kids with his employer. I would never have quit without having that figured out. Even if it was through the stupid Marketplace.
Three strikes and your out dude!!
He stopped paying child support years ago and I never pressed that issue because we mutually agreed to change our parenting plan and terms without officially going back through the courts. Not only that, but I’ve carried tje insurance and paid all medical expenses for the 4 years. Even when insurance switched back to him, I still paid the medical bills out of my HSA.
I even went to the courthouse recently to sign a waiver saying he was caught up on his child support because in the eyes of the court, he was delinquent. So I’ve gone above and beyond on his financial behalf. For the record, and in hindsight, signing that was stupid and I will never do it again. I lost all leverage to get anything out of him. However, once that amount starts piling up again, shit is gonna be different.
You act like a deadbeat, people are gonna know and I’m done enabling that. The kids are old enough now to understand and recognize it too and I’m over trying to smooth that over too. Z needs to get checked out for an issue and I told her she’ll have to wait until mom can arrange coverage because dad quit his job. She can form her own opinion about the situation.
I don’t know how I would possibly spin this anyway. I’m not even gonna try. I’m also going to TRY not to dwell on it. I have to get insurance for them no matter what and can’t depend on him to do it.
He tried to tell me marketplace was going to take 90 days and a prerequisite was filing 2017 taxes. Both of those things were bold face lies. I know, because I spent part of my Friday afternoon going through the forms online. I can get coverage by May 1st. I called him out on it and he just acted stupid. Derp.
What an idiot.
Ok.. I have to be done and find my happy place again. Now where did I put that mantra??
Peace and Love,
I had a good “homecoming” yesterday as I was picked up from the airport and whisked to dinner straight away.
It was a nice time at a familiar place and it gave Rebecca and I a few hours, one on one, to catch up. She updated me on her stories and I pretty much went chronologically through my stuff. I had to tie a nice bow on the Simon chapter before opening the book on JS.
She’s very happy for me and said she could tell just by the way I talk how I was feeling about him and the situation. She said this was the first time she’s seen me like this and echoed what Sam said about a week ago about this being how it’s supposed to be.
She said that even if things don’t work out for some reason, at least now I have a baseline for comparison. In truth, with Simon I was constantly comparing things to the beginning of my relationship with Matt and that was telling in two ways..
1. I was hopeful and inclined to think there was some future for us or else I would not have been scrutinizing things against my last long term relationship.
2. I was feeling it was so different. With Matt we were very engaged with each other from the very beginning and actively sought out time to spend together. With Simon, he didn’t seem to care enough to make plans and it was all very casual and “whatever” and that was very revealing. In hindsite it should have been a bigger red flag.
In the end, one of the major issues was that he wasn’t that into me. That was actually the thing I utilized as a lead in to our “break up that wasn’t a break up” conversation. Of course there were other things, but one of the main things I added to my relationship “checklist” was that the other person had to like me and want to spend time with me at LEAST as much as I was. With JS, I have no doubts.
We have had a ton of communication and he is a planner like me and we both have been looking forward to the next meet up/date. He’s also coming up with some great ideas of things we can do in the future and I couldn’t be more pleased at both the thoughtfulness and the actual things he’s mentioned. It seems like forever away, but we are already planning on a day-trip to Madison County the second weekend of April. I suggested we pack a picnic lunch and he said he had the same thought. Lunch on one of the bridges of Madison County.. How romantic!
Anyway, I’ve settled into my usual routine here and am working this AM and had my morning workout already. I won’t get as many steps this week because of my change of scenery, but I’ll still try and get 10K per day. They have an elliptical machine, and it’s nice, but not what I am used to and my balance was off and it wasn’t as easy to type and “pedal” at the same time so I won’t be able to do that and blog like I normally would.
I’m switching gears now to try and get some more reading/writing done for school. Despite having a freak out last week, I’ve procrastinated once again. It’s like I can’t actually write these critical essays without being under some sort of pressure. It’s literally been about 4 days since I wrapped up the creative portion of my packet (which was originally due today), and now with the extra time, I haven’t even started an outline on the essays.
I also want to knock at least one out today so I can enjoy the time I have with my friends here without the unfinished work hanging over my head. The last thing I want to do as I roll into this weekend, for which there are lots of fun things planned, is have another freak out.
One last update which hopefully will not develop into a bigger story later on.. I woke up today with a swollen and sore lower lip where my incision was last Monday and spoke with the gal at my dentist office and they are calling in an antibiotic for me. It sucks to have to be dealing with this here and now. I thought when I went Monday, I was doing a good thing taking care of it before I left, now being away from home and having to start a round of antibiotics is less than ideal. Again, hopefully it gets better and not worse.
Why does it take so long in our lives to get to the point where we care less about what everyone else thinks and more about what we think? I look at my teenage daughter and can feel her persona covered in things she has picked up from caring about what other people think. It’s not easy to grow out of nor is it quick process.
In my 20s and 30’s I still worried about what other people thought about me. Some of those people mattered and some of them didn’t. Slowly I’ve adopted a new outlook and attitude and I have to say that in the last year, I’ve made great progress.
I don’t think anyone ever gets completely away from caring what other people think. It’s part of why mutual accountability works in a positive way. Hopefully we can embrace the positive things about human nature and just put a hand up to block and shoo away the rest.
This is echoing in my mind today as I consider saying things to people that I want to say, without apologizing for who I am or what my words say about me or what someone might think about me because of it.
I’m over apologizing for the way I feel. I’m aiming for no regrets.
To be clear, I’m not talking about saying things to people to directly personally attack them or make them feel a certain way. I’m not that kind of person. I’m just talking about being more open with my thoughts and feelings with people who I have interpersonal relationships with.
Over time I’ve become more comfortable sharing my raw, organic thoughts in a somewhat anonymous public forum and I’d like to make that same true with the people in my life. This includes my parents, acquaintances, people I’ve known for years, and people I’ve just met.
I haven’t been dishonest. I’ve just historically made the choice to not say things because of fear or worry or consequence. I think over time my fear of regret has taken on more weight and is now heavier than my fear of consequences.
I am who I am and I’m willing to change and grow but want to stay grounded in being true to myself. I want to continue forward in my search of love and inspiration leaving fewer regrets on the path behind me.
Looking in the mirror and facing the reality of myself is important. I do care about what I think of myself and have to come to terms with both the beautiful parts and the ugly parts. It’s rare for people at large to hold that mirror up for you. I’m very grateful for those who do and are honest with me regardless of whether that is positive or negative. In that way, I do still care about what people think. I’m just making more of a conscious choice in my reactions.
Every morning, if I don’t wake before my alarm, I’ve got a nice reminder. My phone is set to play John Mayer singing “Say”. He gets quick to the chorus “Say what you need to say”. Every word in that song resonates with me and is exactly how I aspire to be.
Last, but certainly not least, today and always… A heart felt thank you to all who have liked, commented, or reached out to me personally from reading my words! It means a great deal to me!! ❤️😘😘
Truly, Madly, Deeply, and Completely,
I never heard back from new guy last night. I tried to keep my mind off of it and I tried to read and write instead. I’m not going to lie, it was tough. I’m not a stalker but I feel like one. That’s not me, is it? I don’t really even know this guy so why do I care? I can’t help it, I guess. As it turns out, having someones location can really mess with your mind.
There are lots of dating applications and sites and platforms out in the wild today. Just take your pick. Some are geared for meeting people and hooking up and some are supposed to be more for finding “the one”, or at least, a long term commitment. Some sites are heavy with profiles and questions and criteria and others are very basic. Here’s a few pictures and a 300 character space with which you can say whatever you want to say.
Most of the mobile apps, I’m guessing, are pretty basic like that. Last year a friend of mine suggested Bumble and I had not tried any online dating in seven years and was in need of “getting back out there” so I decided to give it a shot. A short time later, I was actively chatting with multiple matches and trying to get to the point where I could meet some of these guys in person (which is tougher than it should be considering it is a dating app).
Bumble is very basic bitch. There are minimal fields and settings. You have spots for up to six pictures, your name and age and school and occupation that get pulled off of FB when you first register (everything but age can be changed later however), and a short space to write a ‘bio’.
In the settings you specify your preferences. I am a ‘female’ looking for ‘males’ within this age range and this distance. Ahhh, distance. Now we are getting to it. The app has to know where you are to know who to present you with as potential matches. It uses your criteria to show you profiles of other people which you then have to “swipe” left or right on to dismiss or keep. When you see their profile, you also see where they are. Not where they say they are or where they are from, but their actual location based on the GPS and their phone. Neat.
One advertised bonuses to bumble is that only ladies can make first contact if there is a match. I don’t see this as any great benefit however, because by that time, you have already swiped on each other and ‘matched’. Why wouldn’t you just say ‘hi’? However, I’m more mindful of their location that I was when I first tried it this past summer.
I’ve matched with sales people and pilots who are here overnight or are just passing through for a few days, and I’m not interested in that so I have to be watching for it. I’ve also matched and chatted with a few people who may have been in close proximity to me at some point in time but actually live a fair distance away and I know I’m not going to want that either (I guess unless that person was willing to also put some effort into the travel time too).
The point is, I’ve become used to looking at distance and thinking about it. Unfortunately, it also means I can continue to see where people are, even after the match has turned into text and ultimately going out. This is the case with my new friend, who basically ditched me yesterday without so much as a reply back to what ended up being three texts I sent inquiring about status.
One at 3:30 asking how it was going.
One at 6:30 just saying ‘hi’.
The last one at 11PM asking if he was OK.
Is that out of line. Not in my head.
What might be out of line is my going back to the Bumble app which I have not used in a couple of weeks now and looking at his location. I know it is 8.2 miles from where I am at my place to where he is at his place and since I know where he works which is a short distance from where he lives, that is also 8.2 miles. When I finally went to bed last night, after midnight, I decided to look at it and he was 6 miles away. It means he was not home. Waking up this morning, he’s still 6 miles away so he’s still not home.
There could be an issue with the app or dozen different reasons why a person would not be where you expect them to be but having that at my fingertips has turned me into a stalker. And I swear I am not one. I don’t like it and I don’t like the way I am feeling right now. I think the best things I can do for myself would be to delete the app completely and forget about it.
It’s Monday morning and Presidents day and the kids don’t have school and it’s dreary outside and I’m really tired from not sleeping well. I’ve been a big fan of Mondays lately, but I gotta be honest, again, and say I just don’t want to do today.
I’m Going Back to Bed,