2020-10-15 If I’m Being Honest…

I might as well be painfully honest. **Spoiler alert.. Rant city, dead ahead in 30 seconds.

I have not had one of these in a while, but no matter how good life is, it is bound to happen. And the longer I hold the angst inside, the worse it will be when it comes out. And I want to be true to myself and my feelings. And it IS just past midnight and I’m awake with these god-damned thoughts so I might as well. 

First. I’m so fucking sick of politics. Nobody is going to change anybody’s mind so shut up and vote already and move along. We can’t change what happened four years ago and we can’t change what’s going to happen a few weeks from now. It’s bad enough that there are NO GOOD OPTIONS. As an American citizen I’m sick of having no good options. And it does not matter what happens anyway because the ship is too big and heavy to make any course correction that will matter to the individual citizen. Good grief. 
But that’s not what is keeping me from sleeping. 

Secondly. I just found out a few days ago that my final residency for my MFA will be  conducted in virtual format. I was given the option to defer last time, and crossed my fingers and eyes and held my breath but it did me no good. I could stomp my foot and cry about it but that would do me no good either. But it might make me feel better to stomp my foot and cry about it, so consider this pathetic paragraph my version of that. 
I get to graduate on Zoom. Fuck that. Just flipping forget about it already. I’ll just take that piece of paper that I spent 40K of my savings account on and disappear back into the fog of insignificance from whence I came. 
But that’s not what is keeping me from sleeping. 

Thirdly. It’s just past midnight and I’m awake writing this. And that sucks. I want desperately to get a good night sleep. I went to bed at 9:15, exhausted, and with high hopes of getting 8 full hours. When I woke at like 11:15 I thought it might be like 3 or 4 or 5am, but nope, it was 11.  I took some pill to help me get back to sleep, and that might kick in any minute now so if I start slurring my words, that’s why. Also my son was still awake and I was frustrated to find his light on and computer on as well. I’m being honest. I just don’t want to deal with it. 

I … just … don’t. But, yes, you guessed it. That is also not what is keeping me awake right now. Well right now it’s the typing keeping me awake but what was it at 11:20, 11:25, 11:30, 11:35, 11:40, 11:45 that was tossing in my head and preventing me from falling back asleep naturally? Stuff with the lit mag. 

Kate was right when she said it’s all work and that people suck. That is what I appreciate about Kate. It is that she is honest. And direct. And I question my own motives with starting this little project and I wonder how much I have in me to continue if it is going to be this way. What is THIS WAY?? 
“This way”, is constantly dealing with situations which give rise to angst in my chest. I just want everything to be smooth. For people to be pleased with their experience with “us”, and frankly, to not feel like I’m lying when I say I’m pleased with my own experience. I’m not sure it’s possible. Start-ups are hard. People are complicated. You can’t please everyone. And what makes all of this more difficult is that I have to rely on another person who, for whatever reason, doesn’t do what they say they are going to do and / or if they do, I’m not aware of it. 

We’re nine months in and it can’t be a fluke as it has happened too many times. The (now) classic volunteering to handle something and then just not doing it. I mean, maybe his is doing those things, but has learned by now (because I have asked countless times that he CC me on communications) that he tells me he will CC me, but then doesn’t. Then I’m stuck. I can’t send the communication because I don’t know if he has already done it. And I can’t let it go because it’s probably something that needs to be done. 
By the way, most communication is ineffective if not done in a timely fashion, so sitting on something for weeks and weeks makes everyone look bad. 

Take yesterday for example. We meet as planned at around 5PM and of the many things discussed, were three different agenda items which require communication. 1) Follow Up with potential script writing editors. 2) Follow up with a person who’s fiction stories we will be publishing with the next issue. 3) Inquiry with a different individual to see if they are interested in being a guest editor/ judge for a future contest we are planning. (Not to mention the countless other ideas we brainstormed about on how to increase the number of quality submissions we get). 

Set aside #3, because that can wait. Perhaps even #1 can wait another week with no ill repercussions. But #2?! That should have gone out Monday as far as I am concerned. So here we are Wednesday (tip-toes into Thursday) and he say’s he’ll do it but didn’t. “I’ll go home right now and do all those and CC you on them.” Direct efffffing quote. I want to trust him. I finish out my evening. I go to bed early, so hopeful, and then wake at 11:20 and check my email and there’s nothing new in my in-box. Grrrrrr. 

So that’s it. That’s what is at the heart of the matter and eating my brains. 
Hopefully the meds I took will put me back to sleep and I’ll wake with a clear head and have regained my composure. I hate that these things affect me so. I’ve even considered just trying to let it go, and let him be the kind of leader he wants to be and help where I can but go off and do my own thing. But that’s not really an option at this point. I’m too personally invested in this. Ugh!! 

I’m just tired. I’m just needing sleep. I’m just….  being honest. 
It’s now almost 1am and I need to get back in bed. Thanks for the therapy session.

Big Yawn,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-22 The Benzo Trap

How do I feel about benzodiazepines? The title says it but doesn’t do justice for calling it out as the devils candy that it is. It’s evil.

It’s a quick fix. An over prescribed band-aid which might have valid clinical use in a limited capacity for something, but not sleep. I’ll skip most of the backstory cuz that’s old news. All you really need to know is that I was taking it (started taking it) for sleep issues. And kept taking more and more “as needed.” Which is a dangerous way to give direction with a drug that has physical addiction properties.

I weened off of it really slowly, because the side effects of not taking it were terrible. I’ve heard people say that the withdrawal experienced is different for everyone. For me, it was this fucked up feeling in my head and an inability to focus. Oh, and I also my teeth hurt. Which was so bizarre but now that I know that it’s connected, It’s a classic tell. Which is to say, that I’m still experiencing these things to some degree now and again. Seems to be exacerbated by stress.

Yesterday was rotten. Which is why I’m writing this today. It’s been 27 days since the last dose (which was a tiny sliver of the prescribed amount) and I’m still feeling the side effects. It’s such a trap.

I started taking it for sleep issues and then kept taking it just to feel normal. When your brain is tricked into thinking “just a little dose and you can feel better” .. that’s when you know you are caught in a trap.

I mean, I’ve never been addicted to any drug before so I had no idea. And I’m sure it’s small potatoes compared to the heavy hitters, but it doesn’t mean that what I’m experiencing isn’t that bad.

My internist tells me it takes up to 6 weeks for that shit to clear the systems of the body. So I’m over half way there but good-freaking-gravy!! Just evil.

I was originally thinking I’d be right as rain by September. Then the step down was so slow that I wasn’t able to cut it completely until the end of August. So the new done-done looks like it’s going to be October.

Like I said, yesterday I was stressed. I felt my classic teeth hurting by 8:30 am, before I even started working. Then I had to endure all day through trying to get things done. Then, as if to add insult to injury, I could not sleep.

I had a flair up of allergies and was very congested. I ended up taking a Doxylamine succinate which did the trick eventually. But wow.. I did seriously consider the Xanax. Incredible!

Today is a new day and I’m glad I did not cave. And so far so good on the symptoms. My teeth don’t hurt and my head feels ok. My hormones are still bonkers but that’s a whole different story. 😜

The countdown is still on.. 7 more work days (if I don’t end up working the weekend again). Hopefully there will be no lingering side effects of quitting THAT! And when it’s done, it’s truly done done!

That’s it for today’s benzo/sleep/mental health update. Time to get to work.

Happy Taco Tuesday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-13 Prognosis Pending

Mostly I’m just tired of saying I’m tired. Mostly I’m looking in the mirror and wondering if I’ll ever not feel tired. Or look tired. Some days it takes all the energy I have to appear awake and aware of what’s happening in the small, medium, and large circles I’m turning in these days.

This week it will be 5 weeks since I crashed hard. Had the worst day I’ve had in a great while and broke down and went to see a doctor. An internist. I could barely get through that experience. He set me straight but in the course of that visit he had me fill out some paper forms. Quizzes. One or two had to do with mental health.

It’s not the first time a doctor has suggested I was depressed. But saying someone is depressed is as nondescript as diagnosing someone with happiness. Here’s a 10 question quiz, and we’re going to add up your points and say “congratulations, you’re happy!!”.

I was in so much distress, I don’t remember a single question. I probably answered fairly negatively given the fact that the world is caught in a vortex of doom and I felt like a hot pile of garbage. The immediate action plan that day was to get me off the benzodiazepines and then start addressing the “other” issues.

Ok. Now it’s 5 weeks later and I’ve got my follow up appointment on Thursday this week. I’m down to a quarter pill (.5 mg Lorazapam) a night, with an off night (no dose) about every three nights. I’m ahead of schedule and have been pushing hard for that through some unpleasant side effects. I just want to be done.

Of course, the sleep issues have returned. Waking up early and not being able to fall back asleep. Jim says I need to try some techniques to calm my brain and it sounds like maybe meditation would help. But what’s the doctor going to focus on I wonder? The sleep? The depression? The progress I’m making with the meds and the side effects? Will he make me take those paper quizzes again? Will I score better now that I’m feeling better?

Will the doctor suggest I see a counselor or therapist again? Should I consider that?

Will I wake up at 5 again tomorrow with all these questions plus 47 more about work and the kids and school and the pandemic and the meaning of life and my purpose In it?

When he asks me how I’m feeling I’ll probably say that mostly I’m just tired of saying I’m tired. Saying any more than that will just take too much energy. Good grief!

I’m on the treadmill and looking in the mirror in front of me. At least my hair looks good. That seems familiar.

That’s enough already,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-06-15 Take Back the City For Yourself Tonight…

Or I’ll take back the city for me.

Why is this Snow Patrol lyric in my head?

It was a miserable day today. One of those days you realize, something has got to change. There are so many things in my life right now that are going right that it feels sort of ridiculous to be experiencing this need for change so deeply.

Jim and I have had a few good conversations about my health issues. I might have swept some of those things under the rug for too long. I’m generally healthy and active and have a desire to work on my fitness. I haven’t been to a doctor other than my OB in ages (except for the tennis elbow thing) and can’t even remember how long it’s been since I’ve had general labs done.

A year ago I lost my heath insurance. But I just shrugged. I figured I could just coast until I got married. No, I didn’t get married to get health insurance, but I won’t deny it is a nice benefit!

While I waited I put off seeing the dentist, getting a mammogram, and scheduling any sort of well check-up. I told myself that February was just around the corner and then I could get back to doing those things.

Then February came and went and I procrastinated. Then March arrived and along with it, a global pandemic. Everything for everybody was put on hold. Not only that, but it meant I was not getting my Jazzercise classes either and without that, I lost my motivation for cardio and doing free weights.

I took on more work this spring too which meantmore stress. I took on a big side project AND had my last semester of grad school AND was trying to navigate the newlywed life supporting my husband and his business through the worst of the first wave of the virus.

I actually started drinking more in the evenings and, if you read my last post, I started having sleep issues again for which I turned to meds. Now here we are in June and I feel just wrecked.

It took my all day today to recover from not sleeping last night and fighting whatever it was that had a hold of me. I was light headed, and achy and nauseated. It was terrible. It’s nearing 9PM now and I’m finally starting to bounce back.

As a consequence of the way I felt, I took the day off. I called in sick to work, cancelled a date with a friend, and basically babied myself for most of the day. I sat around, and laid around, and drove my car to get the kids and I take out for lunch. I thought a lot about how things have been going and, as I stated already, had good conversation with Jim about it.

Here’s the plan.. I’m quitting the sleeping pills and I’m abstaining from drinking alcohol for at least the rest of this month. I’m going to try to eat right and not worry so much about my sleep habits or my stats. Jim wants me to put my Fitbit on the shelf for a while too, but I am not sure I can do that. I also need to quit ignoring my health issues: tiredness, brain-fog, sensitive/sore teeth, insomnia.

I made an appointment with my dentist to get my teeth checked and talk to them about my constant tooth sensitivity. That’s next Monday. I made an appointment for my a mammogram. That’s next Tuesday. I did not yet make an appointment to see my OB, but that’s next on my list.

Plus, I did make an appointment to have a general physical check up with some labs with an internal med doctor. Jim suggested since it has been a while that I go see someone new and since I now have insurance again, I can do that. That appointment is a ways out but if push comes to shove, I can always go see another doc in the interim.

In any case, I’m taking some measures to put myself right. I’m going to ease up on work too and try not to put so much pressure on myself about everything. I need to try to relax and enjoy life. I see folks doing things like swimming and hiking and bike rides and I just want to do that too. It’s summer and I should be! It will be good for me.

In just a few minutes. Jim and I are going to go for a cruise in the Jeep. We’ll get some fresh air and finish out the day on a good note. I’m not sure how tonight will go in the sleep department, but if it goes poorly like last night, I know what NOT to do!!

I’m gonna take back this city for myself tonight and let the anthem of those words repeat as often as I need in order to make some real changes in my life. And those changes have to start right now.

Ready, Set, Sleep! 😴
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-06-15 Whaaaaaat is WRONG With Me??!!

It’s after midnight so it’s officially the 15th of June. It’s almost 1AM so I’m officially exhausted, frustrated, and dreading tomorrow. It’s no secret that I have a history of having issues with sleep. It’s right there in my list of categories. It’s one of the first things I check on my fitbit when I wake up every day. It’s one of those variables that I feel is super important in the grand equation of living a happy and healthy life. And just like a fair number of other variables, I’m pretty much failing at it.

Is that even possible? To fail at sleeping? Well I am here to tell you it is possible to fail at sleeping because I am doing it right now. I’m in a vicious cycle about it in my head right now. I think I can’t fall asleep because I’m too anxious about not being able to fall asleep. If that sounds fucked up, it is because it is. To make matters worse, Jim is in a deep sleep, and his breathing is so heavy and loud, it’s like a big gust of wind every three seconds like right in my ear. How can just breathing be so loud?

Well, literally, it’s not right in my ear anymore because I’ve abandoned my bed and bedroom for a different room in the house. So now I’m in the spare bed room and have obviously given up trying to sleep because I’m sitting in the bed with my laptop. I’m waiting for some sleep aid medication to kick in. I gave myself a good two hours of tossing and turning and feeling sick before giving in to the urge to take something.

That “something” is also a part of the story. I’ve given in a LOT lately to the crutch of something to help me sleep. I fear I’ve become dependent on the Xanxax. I say I’m not going to take it anymore and then I just shrug and cave and take the easy road. Well tonight I declared would be the night I would just cut it out. Cold turkey, as they say. Jim and I had talked about it. My Xanax usage is one of the suspects for some of my other daytime problems. I have to quit taking it to rule it out. So tonight was going to be the night.

We went to bed early. Like 9:30 and I was so, so sleepy. I thought, “no problem.” He and I chatted for a bit in bed and then rolled over to go to sleep. Obviously he did. Obviously I didn’t. I was feeling pressure in my head and had an upset stomach. I immediately started to think about all the things I am worried about in life and just could not get my mind to settle. I maybe fell into a half sleep for a bit, but whatever that was didn’t last long and I was tossing again.

That’s when the breathing became to much and I left. I tried to sleep in the spare bed, but no dice there either. I’m bothered by the pressure in my head and also feeling nauseous. I think about the Xanax and how I need to break myself from needing it and round and round I go. I decide that it will be ok to take some other sleep aid instead of Xanax, just for tonight, just because I need it. If I can’t get some sleep I’m gonna be wrecked tomorrow. Now the past has caught up with the present and it is tomorrow.

I’ve decided there’s too many fucking lights all over this house and I wonder why it has to be such a creepy castle. Seriously. The candelabra flicker lights in the hallway have to go. All the string lights in the backyard are cool for parties and such, but we’re not having a party right now damnit. We’re trying to sleep.

I used to take these little blue pills to sleep, years ago, and still had a few in a bottle in my old medicine tote. I had to sneak back to the bathroom to get one. I’m sure by now I should feel it start to kick in but I’m not. I have no idea what is in that little blue pill. I suppose I should know that, right?

I can hear one of the two of my kids is also still up and it sounds like they just went to the kitchen to get a snack. It must be nice to just do that and know you can sleep in until noon if you want. It sucks to be an adult and worry about stupid stuff like not being able to sleep at night. Adulting is so dumb.

I’m gonna put the laptop away now. I’m gonna let whatever it is I ingested work its magic. Hoping for 5 hours.

Apparently lack of sleep leads to bad ideas. The little blue pill was a big mistake. It was a horrible night. It’s going to be a terrible day. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my body is confused about whether or not it should have a period.

My teeth hurt. I’m nauseated and dizzy. I took some more meds for my head and tried to eat. I just threw up. And now I’m sitting here feeling like I might have a fever. Could this be chills? Could I have Covid? Oh my, please somebody tell me what is WRONG with me.

Whaaaaaaahhhh. I want some relief.

2020-05-24 Sushi Sunday Anyone? 🍣

We had a glorious thunderstorm last night (apparently) and I woke at the end of that, happy to hear the rain as I’ve done some planting of annuals in pots the last week or so and every day it rains is a day I don’t have to. Thanks Universe!

I also went back to sleep after both my 3am and 5am wake ups.. with no meds. That’s pretty glorious too. I was able to get a collective 8 hours which is rare and also really necessary to get that restoration I was talking about yesterday.

It’s apparently going to be a pretty rainy day out today too. Perfect for getting stuff done inside. This includes work work, work on the lit mag website (which is supposed to go live today), and probably getting in another episode of Picard before our one month trial of whatever the streaming service that show is on runs out. I think that ends on the 26th so if watch 1 episode a day, we’ll get to the end (we don’t watch a lot of TV).

Truth is, I have a hard time watching TV anymore because I always start to feel like I’m wasting time. It has to be a really good show. Picard has been good, but not quite great, even for Trek fans, so we’ll see.

I woke up this AM and one of the first thoughts in my head was that Sushi sounds good. Sunday’s used to be my day to treat myself to that. It also used to be my day to check on my stats. I haven’t had/done either in a while. The stats thing is just kind of depressing and I gave myself a big ole pass on it because of the pandemic but that’s just a sorry excuse.

There is, however, no excuse for skipping out on the Sushi Sunday experience. I might just have to right that wrong today.

Of course, we had been on serious lockdown because of the pandemic for a while and that included take out. Those restrictions have eased up a bit lately and we’ve treated ourselves. (I’ve probably treated myself a little more than we agreed upon, bending that “minimalistic” approach we agreed upon). 🤷‍♀️

After yesterday I think my veg garden is all in. I finally found that Anaheim pepper plant I’ve been looking for and the pumpkin seeds are in, which is probably too late to have actual pumpkins ready in October. Some varieties take 120 days. I’ll have to look at the seed packets.

My grape iris are in full bloom now which is late for them because they typically pop in early May and are amazing by Mother’s Day. I would cut some and put them in a vase in the kitchen but Doug, the resident plant destroyer, would probably just munch them. Maybe I’ll do that anyway.

We’ll see.

Peace and love and sushi, 🍱
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-04-17 Restless Sleep and Unsettling Dreams

Everyday I wake up and check my FitBit. What kind of sleep did I get? What’s my sleep score and how many hours and minutes did the Bit think I was asleep?

Everyday there is an advertisement (of course) to try the “premium” version that promises more insights. These are troubled times, reports the app, so they are graciously offering a 90 day free trial. Maybe it was 60 or 30. I don’t remember. I typically dismiss that shit cuz I’m not interested in paying for “insights”. But yesterday I took the bait.

Friends, if I could only remind myself to cancel the subscription before the free trial runs out, it will be a miracle indeed. So what does one get for 9.99 a month? In short, a breakdown of the sleep score calculation. It’s based on movement, heart rate, and what I can only guess is some science stuff that shows how much REM sleep I’m getting.

More specifically, the three categories are: Time asleep, deep and REM, and restoration. Last night my score was 82 (which is good).

50% of the score is based on time asleep. I scored 43 out of 50. I wonder how many hours you have to sleep to get all 50 points? (I was 2 minutes shy of 7 full hours).

25% of the score comes from how much deep and REM sleep you get. Last night I scored 19 out of 25 and had 1 hour and 11 minutes in these stages of sleep. Deep and REM are different stages and they must add them up.

The last 25% is restoration which sounds nebulous but it’s actually the most interesting to me. You wear the FitBit all the time so it’s always collecting your heart rate. Walking, workouts, couch time, sexy time, and during sleep. It uses this to calculate your resting heart rate. This is a good indicator of heart health by the way.

When you sleep, your heart rate is also being measured and the calculation for restlessness is based on the percentage of time asleep when your heart rate was above and below that resting heart rate.

My resting heart rate used last night was 62 bpm (beats per minute). I spent 79% of my sleep time below that threshold and the other 21% above. Somehow that equates to 9% restless and a score of 20 out of 25. I’m not quite sure what the math is behind that but it’s cool right?!

It IS cool. But is it 10 bucks a month cool? I don’t think so. I mean, unless I can actually have some insight on how to improve my score (besides sleep aid drugs), it’s just numbers. Still, worth getting the free trial to learn these little details. Thanks FitBit!

Now to the second half of this blog post which answers the question… Why so restless?

The answer is dreams man.

The dreams I had were not nightmares. Just slightly disturbing. I can recall three distinct scenarios.

Dream One: Princess KK took over my job leading the team and I did some unsavory things that I felt guilty about. Not sure if I tried to sabotage her efforts in some way as that was not revealed in the dream. All I know is that I felt bad about what I had done and tried to confess to her.

This one is so spot on with my current work sitch. Not the sabotage part but KK has taken her place leading the team and I feel a bit minimized and unimportant. Perhaps I was dreaming of ways to usurp her authority and that’s what made me feel guilty. I’m only human right?!

Dream number two: My ex friend Erika’s husband was in some room with me and I was trying to explain to him how his dog (they always have big dogs) was also owned by my friend Kevin. Kevin named the dog Husker and the dog had become racist. I was apologizing for that too, as if it was my fault the dog had undergone these changes. Why in the world would I feel guilty about that and need to apologize??!! Stupid dream!

Dream number three was pretty basic. A girl from my past, let’s call her “the wild card”, cuz she was bat-shit crazy contacted me out of the blue. Maybe it was a message that popped up on my phone. She was like “hey, what’s up?” And I was immediately in a fix. Do I respond? What could she want? Why now after all these years? Didn’t she put me through enough? Why was she still in my contacts? My curiosity wanted to respond but I was afraid that would lead to a rekindling of our friendship and that’s a big fucking Pandora’s box. That’s all I remember.

That one makes sense too because I have an app on my phone called “GroupMe” that some of the MFAers in my class use to message each other. The only other thread I have in that app is one with the Wild Card. I was super surprised to find that when I downloaded the app and logged in last December during Residency that my history had been retained. My last message from said girl was April 1, 2011. The group thread was called “People Who Like Dancing”.

Yeah, we had some good times but I’m the end, I could not handle the responsibility of her. Gawd, that sounds terrible. I swear I’m not a bad person. Despite my dreams trying to convince you otherwise. Ha!

Yesterday I was looking closer at this thread and showing my daughter Z and asking her if she remembered the girl and her son (who was my kids’ age). Z was only 9 at the time and remembered enough to agree with my decision to cut ties. She said “yeah mom, good call.”

But those dreams!!! No wonder I was restless. Still, a sleep score of 82 is not bad. Whatever. 🤷‍♀️

It’s Friday and I’m teetering on the edge of the number of hours I’m supposed to work this week so imma use that as an excuse to get out of a late afternoon torture session thats all about estimating story points. It’s a dev thing. I’m not a developer so I don’t have much to contribute anyway. Though I could dial in and try and sabotage Princess KK. If my dream came true, I could call myself clairvoyant.

Ok. That’s enough nonsense for one day. If you got this far, I commend you and your attention span!

Happy Friday Ya’ll
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-01-31 The Play By Play +

I spent 6+ hours yesterday breaking up and shoveling chunks of ice down the driveway. I spent 6+ hours doing that instead of all the other stuff on my to-do list because, well, it just needed doing. In some places the ice was 2+ inches thick and we’ve been buying ice melt like it’s the new black.

The trick, EH tells me, is to put down little piles of it so when it melts through the water and chemicals will get under the ice and start working to detach it from the cement. A very helpful life hack, by the way. It would help if we had a nice easy sloped driveway so that gravity was also on our side, which it is at the end of the driveway but for the Most part it’s flat, so there is no place for the water to go.

That’s what I spent those hours on… ushering the wannabe water down the driveway into the street before it all melts and just sits there waiting for another freeze so it can be ice again. What’s up with THAT identity crisis?! That’s Nebraska.

In related news, it’s going to be in the 50’s and sunny on Sunday. Wowza!! A girl could not ask for better weather for her winter wedding in Nebraska! I could not in a million years have predicted that. But, it’s just icing you know. I’m already getting to marry the man of my dreams. Everything else is small stuff.

Anyway, there are 2+ consequences for my actions for yesterday. First, I’m sore as hell. Everything hurts. Ugh! Second is the fact that I was still cleaning and doing special house chores at like 9pm. Nothing like cleaning toilets at 9pm. Ugh! After that, we ran through the script together to put our collective finishing comments in, for which I was already too brain dead to care. An hour of talking later and I got the bed.

The “plus” in the two plus would be the shitty nights sleep. Despite getting 7.5 hours and FitBit giving it the score of 80 (which is supposed to be good) it was rotten. I had strange wired dreams all night long.

In one, I was in a mall and ran into my ex and we started walking and talking, there’s nothing particularly nightmarish about that but the vibe was no bueno. I also had the eerie sense I was going to be stuck wandering that mall for the rest of my life. Ewwww.

In another dream I was back in residency but had elected to skip about half of the sessions and was in a tight spot, knowing I was going to fail. What’s worse is that I missed the required session, a new bit where we were trained on how to master some random carnival game that involved shooting. Yes, because that’s essential to get a masters in creative writing. 😂

I almost don’t want to say what happened next, but remember, it’s just a dream. I went into a room that was set up for practicing this new skill, but it looked more like a tiny doctors office with an exam table. I was so tired, I left the lights off and decided it would be a good place to take a nap, so I climbed on the exam table.

A couple of folks came in and flipped on the light, and the only thing I remember after that is reading a sign on the wall saying that no masturbation was allowed in the room. Omg. Thinking about that now it seems super funny, but In the dream I was mortified. 😱🤣

I woke up after each dream needing to use the bathroom and then trying to go back to sleep. The last one was similar to the second dream in that it was related to my MFA. It had something to do with having a conversation with one of the mentors. She was giving me advice, or maybe reading tarot cards for me. I don’t remember. Again not a bad dream, per se, but a negative vibe.

At 4am my brain started to race about all the stuff that still needs to get done today. I took a half a Xanax and went back to sleep. I slept until 7. And now your all caught up on the play by play from yesterday to right efffing now.

Right now (2 days to go yo!! 💃), I’m getting what will likely be my last treadmill session before all the things with all the stuff start happening. Literally. Just about every minute is accounted for and I’m already exhausted. Jim is off today so the first order of business is grocery shopping for food for the party tomorrow. After that we divide and conquer our respective tasks.

By about 1, we should be wrapping that up and I need to scoot my booty out west for getting my nails done with my friend Sam. Let me tell you, they really need it. Right now though, I would trade that in a heartbeat for a full body massage. Oh my aching body.

That’s probably enough wandering the streets of the a SugarCookie brain for one morning. It’s Go Time!

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-10-18 Friday One-Track-Mind, the Coffee Edition ☕️

I’m like inches from caving on the whole abstaining from caffeine thing. I’m sure I’m wasting so much mental energy trying to resist excuses my body keeps throwing at me why I should cave in. It’s pulling ALL kinds of reasons why

.. it’s a silly experiment, not helping my sleep situation, not harmful for me, not a big deal, needed for a quick boost to get something done, needed to aid digestion…. you name it and I’ve thought of it.

I really won’t be able to tell if it helps my sleep/exhaustion situation unless I really stick to it for multiple weeks AND have no other variables in the mix messing with my stats. Quite honestly, that’s probably impossible. Take last night for example.

I stayed up later than I should because it’s the only time I was going to get quality time with Jim. Then I was up at 4 am taking care of my daughter who got sick in the middle of the night. This resulted in a 5 hour sleep. No bueno!

Now it’s about 8:30am and I’m super tired. It won’t matter if I have caffeine or not if I can’t somehow fix the behavior patterns. To be fair, the 4am wake-up is rare now that my kids are older, but if it’s not the kids, it’s the cats or my bladder or my brain.

I can say that quitting drinking anything after 7pm has made a positive impact on my situation and so has kicking the cats out of the bedroom. Those changes are easy and also easy to keep doing. I even had a few nights when my Fitbit gave my sleep a “good” score.

The Fitbit app used to just report the length you were asleep and in different sleep stages. Now they have this algorithm that spits out a score. I have consistently fallen into the “fair” category, with a “good” score (anything above 80 I think) being quite elusive.

I haven’t had an 80+ night since I stopped the caffeine and my brain is even using THAT against me. It’s saying “see, it’s not helping”. And “caffeine in the morning won’t hurt your sleep at night”. And “you had a rough night and it would be a nice warm treat to help wake you up”.

Man, I could really go for a coffee right now. Ugh!!

My plan this morning is to try and distract myself with activities until it gets to lunchtime which is when the craving starts to go away.

Really… this caffeine thing is small potato’s. I mean, life is good. But the sleep and exhaustion are real problems I need to figure out. I feel like I’m living with a chronic problem that I’m going to have for the rest of my life. Then I think that it’s probably just my age. And then I think that fucking sucks. AND THEN I THINK (wait for it)….

Just have a coffee and you’ll feel better. 😂

There you have it folks. My Friday one-track-mind brain dump. Good grief!

Time to Jam.

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-02-04 Monday Routine Musings

Welcome to the new morning routine. It’s just hit 8AM and I’ve already been up since about 6:15. So far I’ve finished laundry, gotten my kids to school (new commute is about 25 minutes), and hit the gym.

That’s where I am at now on my favorite elliptical machine. If I hit a descent pace, I can get 10k steps in about an hour and be good with that for the day. I was doing a little time accounting in the car and thinking about how I can arrange my schedule to get the most out of my day.

The new bookends to my “productive” alone time each day are now the tribe to and from the high-school. That’s 8 to about 3. So if I can get my cardio in from 8 to 9, I can be home by 9:30 and working by 10. That will give me 4 to 5 hours to get some work-work done. Then, I can break and drive back for the kids and then spend some QT with them after school before Jim gets home from work.

Of course when the kids are at their dads I’ll have much more flexibility because that cuts out 2 hours of driving each day. Dare I say I may even be able to sleep in once and a while?? Perhaps. Though I’m a very routine oriented type person so I doubt I’ll be able to do that. We’ll see.

In any case, I’m looking forward to this next chapter in my life and we figure out how well a household can be run with two engaged adults at the helm. That’s something neither one of us is used to. Yes, we have four teenagers to manage, but they are mostly independent and need their own “alone” time so I’m hoping we can strike a good balance.

I figure by the end of February I’ll have all the details figured out. That needs to include dedicated time for reading and writing and Jazzercise. That also needs to include making sure I get enough sleep. I’ll be waking up half an hour earlier and I doubt I can manage going to sleep half an hour earlier. This past weekend things were still not back to normal but I was so, so tired both days.

On Saturday I was so wiped out that I fell asleep at 2 and slept for an hour and a half. I felt the same on Sunday but pushed through it. I haven’t been reporting my stats but they are still being collected. Checking on sleep last week, I was right at 7 hours average and then that nap pushed me over the top. Anyway, that’s just going to be another challenge in this new routine.

It’s kind of like an interesting Tetris puzzle where I’m just wanting all the pieces to fit snug. I’m probably being too rigid where flexibility will end up being the ultimate key to success. I’m just overthinking things as usual. Again, we’ll see. 🤷‍♀️

On that note 🎵.. my hour is almost up so I I’ll quit hashing over this routine topic.

Later gaters 🐊,

~Miss SugarCookie