2021-02-26 Dealing With Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde

I’ve been awake since before 3am. What time I don’t know because I’ve been told looking at the clock is waking up my brain. Ok. So the first time I looked at the clock was about 3:15am. It’s not the light of the clock waking up my brain. I’m pretty sure my brain does that all on its own.

I had a slight headache and think it might be the alcohol consumption from last night. That could have something to do with the not sleeping well. It’s not rocket science, but what came first? The drinking or the poor sleep? No matter.. these are not the thoughts that consume me at 3 and 4 and 5am. Nope.

What is it then? I had a brief conversation with Jim last night where I was lamenting about my thoughts always being consumed with something. In my margarita’d state I described a pac man that was chomping furiously through my mind perpetually consuming my thoughts. I’ve got a limited amount of dots, you know, on the screen everyday and the pac man is always navigating the map of my brain, searching and chomping.. rounding corner after corner, chomping and searching, and eventually all the thoughts have been eaten and the day ends.

What about the ghosts?? 

Yes.. Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde are there. They are there to drive the pac man’s decisions on which way to chomp next. 

Fun fact: Each of the four ghosts in the game has both Japanese and English names. In Japan they started as Fickle, Chaser, Ambusher and Stupid. In my case these alternate names seem more appropriate. Their current personas are defined further as follows… 

Fickle: Always something I can’t decide and am continuously analyzing and weighing options in. Currently this is the question of what to do about my title with the GLR? GLR stands for the Good Life Review and is the online lit mag I founded last year and am currently trying to keep afloat and moving in the right direction. When we first determined the masthead, I gladly accepted the title of “managing editor” and let Ed take the EIC title, but over time this had started to grate on me in ways I could not have predicted. My issues have do with perception, the division of responsibilities-who is doing the work, and traditional patriarchal roles, and also frankly the way Ed throws the title around as if it gives him more authority. Great guy, but I don’t care for that. 

The fickle thoughts I have gravitate between removing the titles completely, and all manner of variation in between. I can’t tell you how much brain power I’ve wasted on thinking about this. That alone drives me kind of batty. We’re still in our first year and have such a small fooorprint or following that it matters not. But it matters to me apparently. 🙄 

Chaser: The endless quest to lose 5 pounds and look better. This is often disguised as attempts to eat healthier or exercise more or detox. It’s an endless chase that never leads to success. Always failure. Always disappointment. And then forgiveness and then beginning again. 

Ambusher: This is the random thing on fire that seems to pop up out of nowhere to hijack my plans. It might be a sink that won’t drain, a car that won’t start, a kid with an F in English, or a show that demands to be binge-watched. They appear randomly and with varying degrees of severity. Whatever it is, it drives pac man in a different direction. 

Right now it’s a one-two-three combo of my sons school performance and feeling like I’m not pulling my weight here at the house PLUS my pending book contract. All will require a lot of effort to resolve or get through and any effort spent may not result in a solution. 

Stupid: Stupid is just stupid. 

No matter what I do, the pac man goes the way he goes. The ghosts pursue. The dots on the map get eaten and the sun goes down. The sun comes back up, there’s a fresh map full of new dots, and it starts again. 

Sometimes, like today, I get a new map before the sun comes up. There I am, lying in the dark and the pac man appears and immediately starts chomping. 

This morning it was the GLR stuff. Not just the title, but also the next release, the social media issues, the website that I’ve failed to update all month, the contest, the promo effort (or lack thereof), the lawyer and nonprofit establishment. All the dots. All the dots. All the dots.

At 4:30am I worked in the GLR website and updated the home page, the masthead, and the sound bites page. I’m going to try EIC on for size and see if that makes me feel any better. Cuz.. you know it’s all about how I feel. 🙄😜

Other than that I was thinking about my lack of sleep and not sleeping because I’m thinking about not sleeping and well… that’s just stupid. Thanks Stupid. 

There you have it folks. My Friday morning in a nutshell.

Cheers to the Weekend,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-04 A Good Day to Start (Again)

The update to yesterday’s “to be continued” question was answered last night at 9pm after 4 hours of discussion about the GLR lit mag (and after not having eaten a meal all day). 

In short, I didn’t care what it was.. I had to eat and ASAP so those left-over enchiladas were the best option. They were delicious. And oh, yeah, I forgot to mention yesterday with my post-anniversary update but the restaurant we went to was special for more than just the fact that it’s the first dine-in experience we’ve had together in 11 months.

It’s a Mexican restaurant called “Copal” which did not exist a year ago. A year ago, that location was an place called the Nuri Event Studio, which was used for business and groups to hold meetings and events.

The last event they had there before closing their doors and selling to the owners of Copal was a wedding. Our wedding.

That’s right. The place Jim and I got married has been transformed into a Mexican restaurant. 😜 🇲🇽 🍹🌮

At that dinner I pretty much declared that we would have to eat there every year on our anniversary. Like I wrote, the food was delicious and the house margs were a little too good If you know what I mean.

In any case. It was a special treat causing me to delay (or rather temporarily suspend) my February resolution for two days. I suppose I’m not super prepared for making big changes in my diet but promised myself that TODAY I would try again. 🤞

The “other” to be continued topic from yesterday was the communication situation. I had also promised myself to engage Jim in conversation last night but that too was derailed by the extended meetings. By the time the meetings were over I was hangry and frankly he was in a mood because he had been working at things around the house and I wasn’t there to help. 

He hadn’t eaten either and stormed through barely saying hi and professing he was going to bed early. His body language screaming, “don’t talk to me.” 

This set me off and fueled my need for conversation even more, and I know I said yesterday there’s never a “right” time for heavy conversations about feelings but this was really, really not the right time. I reheated my left-overs and resolved to use my amped state to power through some GLR items that came out of the meetings. As I passed through the bedroom to get my laptop he stopped me and I pounced on the opportunity to say a few things. 

It was mostly about wanting to talk more and realizing 9:30 pm just for bed was not ideal. All I really wanted was a commitment from him that we would talk, about our feelings, and soon. I wasn’t completely satisfied with the response.. but he said we would talk more soon so I let the rest go (externally but not internally of course). 

I let him get to sleep and I worked until 10:30. Though I was still amped.. I forced myself to go to bed. I could not fall asleep, which is super rare. Then I woke up at 3:30 am with my head swirling with all sorts of thoughts again that would not let me get back to sleep. 

I actually got up about 4 and have been up ever since. Whatever. 

Today I’ve got lots more GLR follow up and last minute prep for a provider meeting for Jim’s work which is here at the house after work today. They’ve all been vaccinated at this point so it’s the first indoor gathering at the house since the wedding welcome party last February. 

I’m also supposed to drive to CB to visit my dad but thinking to postpone that till tomorrow because of the latest snowstorm and really because I just need that time today. I’m also not sure hope long I can last today on just 4 hours of sleep. 

I think that’s gonna be it today. All the other shit I’m thinking about would be like opening trap doors to rabbit holes. Ain’t nobody got time for that (including me). 

Cheers to Today Being Another Good Day to Start (Again), 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-21 Doing the Thursday Smile and Wave 👋🏻

Yesterday was such a strange day I want to let go of and forget it ever happened. By contrast today has been pretty freaking great so far. I just don’t get life sometimes. Is it life or is it me? I really do wonder if other people’s lives are like that. One day is shit and the next is sunshine.

I had 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night so that helps I suppose. Darth didn’t make an appearance, nor did I wake up with strange dreams or sweating through my clothes. I slept all the way to the 6am alarm and when it went off, I was like “holy crap!”

I stretched and checked my stats and other notifications that came in while I was sleeping. Then I thought, “it’s gonna be a great day.” And so the tone was set. 

So far everything else is the same. The morning routine, breakfast, commute to school, and now this. Still, the good mood persists. I guess I should not question, just enjoy it while it lasts. 

My set list today includes things I put off doing yesterday plus all the stuff on my Thursday list. Somehow it all feels manageable today and I’m not overwhelmed. 

What else? Today is my little-middle sisters birthday. She’s 39 I think. I wonder what kind of mood she’s in or what she thinks about being 39. Wonder if she is freaked out by being 39. For me 39 was no biggie. Life was crazy and I hardly cared how old I was.

My whole life I will not be able to separate my sister’s birthday from my ex Matt. They are the same age too and I REALLY wonder what he thinks about being 39. Never married, no kids. I wonder if he regrets “us” in some way, either that it was a mistake to let me go or perhaps that he wasted those 5 years of his life on me. Time is a funny thing and as it passes, it sometimes changes how we feel about a person or situation.

When I met Josh for coffee last week we talked briefly about Matt and I said I kind of wondered what he thought about my life now. Being married, a doctor’s wife, taking care of family and no longer clocking in at a paying gig.

Josh treats other people’s lives, questions, and problems very matter-of-fact like. He basically said Matt probably just thinks that “Shyla got everything Shyla wanted” and that’s it. It’s true. I knew what I wanted and I got it.

The life partner, living together, pursuing my passion for writing, the secure future for my children and I, and having the opportunity to do what I want with the rest of my life. How did THAT happen?

I suppose my mind still wanders to Matt at times but it’s no longer pangs of “what if.” Now it’s more just hoping he is well and finding peace with life, doing things he likes to do. I don’t really wonder about his relationships anymore really which is healthy. I think getting “everything” I wanted helps with all of that.

But now that I have “everything” I have to think about what else I want. Since I never imagined getting here, I never really dreamt beyond it. 🤷‍♀️

Wonder what my sister wants too. She’s been engaged since before I even met Jim. That’s coming up on three years. I wonder if they are going to be engaged forever and never actually get married. Or if they are both good with the “parent life” ship sailing away. They bought a house together last year finally. That seems like a big commitment to stay together. I’d ask her but she’s never very forthcoming when talking about these things.

What else? I’m not terribly inspired today to write. I’ve got some new content in my in-box and will make a go of reading some. Perhaps it will inspire me in some way to write. We’ll see.

On that note. There’s not much else for now. 

Waving from the Wave, 👋🏻🏄‍♀️🌊

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-20 Serious Sleep Rant

There’s absolutely nothing I’m looking forward to today. That’s messed up. 

You know what else is messed up? Stats that lie. Sleep score of 82 last night…. my ass! 

Per the usual I was asleep about 30 seconds after I closed my eyes at 10PM. I woke up just before midnight. Ugh!! 

I knew right away I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep. I knew it wasn’t because of the cats, or my brain spin. I knew right away because I heard what has now become the all-too-familiar sound of Jim breathing. Heavy and loud like Darth Vader. Only with the occasional inhale snore. I lay there and listen getting more and more angry with each breath. 

It’s not his fault but that does nothing to quell my anger at midnight. How is it possible that I was dating Darth for 18 months, and living together, and not realize it? How does THAT happen??!! 

I haven’t been forthcoming with this problem, which did not present itself until sometime last fall. Had it always been this way and I just didn’t realize it? What has changed? 

We’ve talked about it and he thinks it’s allergies. This is yet another reason to keep the cats out of the master bedroom area. But we have been doing that and the issue is not getting better.

I’ve tried sneaking out to a spare bedroom to sleep and that’s a bummer. It also doesn’t yield a good night sleep because of the cats, and also all the lights. Nothing like spending 10 minutes unplugging, pulling shades, and unscrewing to wake a person up completely. Then lay there in the dark not being able to fall back asleep. 

A few days ago I had an idea. I have been meditating in my closet and brought a few pillows in there to sit on. Then I got a sleeping bag and decided I would try sleeping there, like camping. This way, when I wake up I have a place to go back to sleep that’s cat free, dark, and close enough that I can go without waking completely and just fall back asleep. 

So dumb. I mean, not every idea is a winner. 

Last night when I was laying there listening to Darth, I thought.. this is a test. Can this idea work? I shuffled myself to the closet. I hedged my bets and took a sliver of an antihistamine in route. 

The closet was hot and the floor was hard. I remembered immediately how much I hate sleeping on the ground. My pelvis bones ground into the floor. I turned on my side and was reminded how uncomfortable it is to sleep on my side too. But I lay there anyhow and let the sleep aid I had ingested take over. I fell asleep. 

I woke up two or three hours later, groggy, sweating, and just immediately pissed off. I hoped the heavy breathing had subsided and went back to the bed. 

It had and I fell back asleep, waking again at close to 7am. I suppose despite the grumpy night, the fact that I was able to get a certain quantity of sleep and not actually being awake for that long were the reasons my FitBit reported a “good” sleep score. But damn, I feel like shit. 

Something else has to change but I have no idea what that is. The stupid antihistamine is part of the problem. A solution that’s worse than the problem. But in the wee hours I’m not thinking clearly. I will do anything to get back to sleep. 

It’s 9:30am now and I think it’s almost cleared my system. But I’m still not looking forward to anything today. I’ve got a meeting with my financial advisor, lunch with my dad, another meeting for the lit mag (with a prominent publisher), and I don’t want to do any of it. Nope. 

I also have to send a bunch of declines for the lit mag and that’s a shit job too. Plus those other “to-do” items I didn’t do Monday and Tuesday. Ugh! 

Wow. I’m just a ray of sunshine today huh? 

Suppose since I have nothing positive to contribute today, I should just quit now. I’m on a pretty good run with regard to exercise and getting my steps lately and so it’s ok if I miss a day, right? 

Perhaps I’ll get some mo-jo after I have my coffee? We’ll see. 

In Need of a Do Over, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-18 A Caravan Traveling Toward the Unknown

Today the lingering ghost of disturbing dreams and waking drenched in sweat and exhaustion has me walking a slower pace than normal. What was I running from all night? What had me peering back over my shoulder and looking off at the airfield in the distance, climbing a steep grassy slope to a narrow stair with a single metal rail? 

I somehow fell into a row there with other people running away from or toward something. Our pace slowed by growing numbers ascending the stair. At the top of which was a tiny door. More of a window really, too small I thought, for some people to slip through. How would we all fit? And where would this human  caravan lead? Does it matter when you know your life depends on finding a new place to dwell? When the perception is that any consequence is better than the alternative of staying, it doesn’t matter. 

I fit through the window and after, was when I woke, my head pounding with questions, I shuffled safely to the bathroom to fumble in the dark with the Tylenol and water I had left on the counter before going to bed. 

I didn’t think about the potential meaning of this dream until just now. 

Could it be random or am I already trying to reconcile news of a caravan of human beings crossing Mexico on foot to get to the United States?

They don’t get the news from Alexa each day. They don’t understand that nothing will change immediately just because there’s a change in leadership. Change here is slow. Policy and procedure are large and heavy. 

But they don’t need the news. Promises have been made and they have no option but to believe in them. 

My news source is opinionated. Like the rest of the media the words are often filtered, carefully chosen, and slant. I truly don’t think there’s an honest, unbiased source of news left. I don’t think it’s possible. 

The best I can do is solicit news from multiple sources and piece together the truth from all that. Like a patchwork of events, people, and statements. Pulling the verifiable squares together and using the spool of my mind to stitch it until it fits together. But even that is flawed because I’m biased too. 

I say “let them cross”.. and if the whole world decides to move to America we’ll figure it out. But it’s complicated and I don’t profess that I understand all of the moving parts. I’m also not in any position to make any difference and whatever will happen, I dare say, it will not affect me much. But still I dream. 

Still my unconscious mind puts me in the midst of the migration. Sketchy circumstances. Just another body crossing fields and slipping through chain link fences. Why was there an airfield there? Why was there a narrow stair? What’s the significance of the thin pipe handrail or the door that was more of a window? 

Perhaps I’m jumping to conclusions and it’s all nonsense and doesn’t mean anything at all. 

Yesterday I was looking forward to the start of a new week and now I’m just tired, with a headache and no motivation. I stare at myself as I walk on this treadmill, 2.5 miles an hour, and wonder how fast and far the caravan from Honduras walks each day. Their motivation far greater than anything I can conceive of. 

I don’t want to think about that. So selfish. I’m gonna have to quit now. 

More later, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-08 Vivre la Résolution! 🗓

I’m satisfactorily rested and caffeinated. I’m in good spirits and so far feeling on top of the “sitch” today. It’s certainly still a very volatile status, kinda like that cliche about weather in Nebraska. Wait a day…. 

Case in point is that yesterday felt dire. I mean like “holy-hell-will-I-ever-get-my-act-together?” dire. Exhausted by a few chores and the “UN-Christmasing” of the house, I basically felt like a limp lump by 3 in the afternoon.

At some point I reached out to my friend M to see what her thoughts were and then later initiated a conversation with Jim about it. “Something has to change” I said. 

I’m now several months past getting over withdrawal from cutting the Benzos out of my life. My body should be back to normal, or at least baseline. A place ready to start fresh to try a new approach. Of ALL the things I want to resolve for 2021, this issue is at the tippy-top of my list. 

Sleep, daytime fatigue, and having more energy in the evenings when it matters most to my peeps. Last night I basically started falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 and was useless to anyone or for anything. Enough is enough. 

It’s January 2021.. It’s time! Let’s go!!

As I often do at the start of a new year, I’ve got big plans. Big ideas and dreams about what I’m going to accomplish or how I’ll finally figure out the balance equation of life. I’m working actively to resist this line of thinking now. Like meditation, my mind wanders away so easily and I have to refocus. I always feel like I fail at meditation because I can’t get my mind to behave. 

Yesterday my friend M offered some sage advice. About meditation. She said that it’s impossible to keep the mind from wandering and the trick is to let it play but be an “inactive” participant. Don’t feel like you have to take action on every thought. Just watch it play out like a movie. I think this is fantastic! I’m excited to try meditation again.

I’m letting that thought simmer as I determine the best course of action to take on my prime directive. The fatigue conundrum. 

I’m actively letting go of other potential objectives: eating healthy, exercise, productivity, cultivating relationships. But when I say I’m letting go, I’m not saying I don’t want to do those things. I’m saying I’m taking pressure off myself to have such high standards. I believe that if I can fix this one BIG problem in my life, the others will improve naturally. 

In support of this concept, instead of upping my goals, which is my typical New Year move, I’m actually backing off. I’m giving myself more room to breathe. Call it the anti-resolution, but a resolution none the less. 

It starts like this: 

  1. Backing down to 10k steps a day as an exercise goal (as opposed to 15k). And not adding any other requirements to check that box each day. 
  2. Back the sleep goal to 7 hours or 75 as a sleep score. 
  3. Not weighing myself every morning. This one is BIG. 
  4. Easing up on the self imposed daily productivity goals. Checking that box more based on mood and feeling than actual tasks accomplished. Trusting my instincts instead of relying on concrete proof. 

These are the real, measurable goals I use to gauge how I’m doing. It’s also what I use to report to my accountability buddy, T. I’ve mentioned this falling off the radar and we both agree we need to pick it back up again. In short, I’m still measuring but giving myself more ability to feel like a success. It also means I’ll have more time to focus on the prime directive. 

Again, talking about daytime fatigue, not prohibiting interference with the internal and natural development of alien civilizations (clarification for all you Trekkies our there). 

It involves meditation, getting quality sleep at night, and potentially naps during the day. And so far doesn’t include taking any sleep aid but it’s not out of the realm of possibility. I gave up on CBD oil, but Jim said I may look to a different manufacturer or type. Possibly. I also have Trazadone but the one and only time I took that I felt like crap most of the day after. Not looking to get hooked on another prescription drug either. 

What else? I suppose just thinking more not just about what but how. How to approach making steps toward this goal. It’s one thing to say you are going to try meditation but another entirely on how to start, and what measure indicates success? As with a lot of things, it begins with education. I’m going to spend some time with this and maybe include as a part of my “mood” goal each day.

You see how this anti-resolution can be a tricky-pickle? It really is. How do you stop thinking about something you are so conditioned to think about all the time. I think the answer is to do as my friend M says and let the thoughts happen but not necessarily act on them. 

An interesting experiment indeed. 

That’s it for today. Finally feeling that 2021 thing that’s happening.

Ready or not….

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-19 Christmas is Slithering Near

See what I did there? 

Oh last night I just got seriously smashed. I mean, it doesn’t take much these days. A half a bottle of my favorite red wine, Jam Jar, which is sweet and goes to my head almost immediately. But its sweetness also probably contributes to the midnight wake up with a dastardly headache. 

I literally wandered away from the living room scene at 8PM, leaving my darling Z chatting with Jim. I slipped out of my clothes and into the bed. The world be damned, I need sleep. I need it as my life depends on it. 

I didn’t even say goodnight though I was cognizant of my intentions. I was wasted enough not to care that I’d abandoned conversation in mid-moment and was opting to satisfy my own needs.

But oh, just after midnight I woke with a terrible head, and headed around the house in search of water, Tylenol, and my loves. Z had gone to bed too and I found Jim in the “Theater” room watching you-tube. He said, let’s get you hydrated and back to bed. That’s how you know someone loves you.

That’s how I know he loves me.

Of course I woke again at 4. Headache gone thank the Universe. Wanting more sleep I took half an OTC sleep aid and then snuck out of the bedroom with my laptop and books and and went to work on my lecture. Still on Louise Glück.

It’s so slow going because I’m needing to read a lot and then figure out how to work what I want into the content of my lecture. Listen here. It’s nonsense. The amount of work I’m putting into this. I already have my degree. Stupid COVID. Stupid lecture. Stupid brain. 

Anyway, I was able to switch to the next poet in the early AM, Adrienne Rich, whose life is simply fascinating. Probably more interesting (to me) than that of Glück or Bishop) and for certain a better example for my lecture as her poetic voice changed significantly in her early career. 

I read and wrote in between sleep of the wee hours of the morning. I’ll hopefully wrap that segment up today but as I said, Christmas is slithering near. 

So some of the other tasks on our Saturday agenda include wrapping presents, baking cookies, and a few timely errands. Hard to believe said sneaky holiday is less than a week away. By this time next week it will be over, the days will be getting longer again, and I’ll be gearing up to present that lecture (Monday the 28th to be exact). 

That’s how much I procrastinated the thing. Ugh! 🤦🏼‍♀️ 

As it stands now, the cookies I’m baking won’t reach their destination in time. 

As it stands now, the gears are engaged and wheels are in motion. There’s no stopping time. 

I suppose with the work I put on myself no one would accuse me of taking the easy road. Two paths diverged in a wood, as they say, and I… 

I took the one less traveled by. Why oh why would I do that?! Why couldn’t I just do a lecture on the same topic as my craft paper (as is typical)? Oh well.. too late now and the less time I spend lamenting the more time I have to make it good. 

Which is to say, it’s time to get back to it. 

But first.. coffee and homemade banana bread Jim’s mom made yesterday. Mmmmmm. 🍌 🍞 💕

Watch out for those Christmas creepers, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-05 Stranger than Fiction

It’s 3:30am and I’m headed into what I hope is the last long day of a string of long days that has left me sleepless, and full of Negative emotion.

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t go across the river to CB and the plans I tried to make with my brother didn’t pan out because his time is always at a premium when he’s home. My mom took prescient but that’s ok because she’s been needing company and someone to talk to lately too.

Today we’re having what I can only guess will be a small gathering of friends and family at a funeral home in CB for services for my dads wife. My brother and I are the speakers. I’ve had plenty of time to prepare. I’m glad to have arrived at this day actually, because I feel there will be additional release when it’s over.

The whole thing is kind of sketch, you know, meeting in groups and Jim is still on the fence about going. I go back and forth about it but really think I’ll urge him today not to go. The risk is too high.

I’m not immune either but I’m going to try to be careful and distant.

My mom told me she wanted to go, to support us and not only is that a risk too but it’s also awkward. Sure my parents were married for 17 years but they have also not really been in any sort of contact beyond events for their kids and grandchildren for 30+ years.

It’s bizarre to have them both losing their spouses at the same time. My mom suffering slowly over a number of years and my dad hit suddenly with tragedy. Life is truly stranger than fiction. As a teenager and even into my 20s I had daydreams of my parent’s reconciling. I think that’s normal.

I wonder if my kids have that with me and their dad. I don’t think so. They were so young when we split they probably don’t remember what life was like before that. Nothing to daydream about I suppose.

I spoke to my ex yesterday. He offered to come to the service too, to support the kids. I told him it was not necessary and that I didn’t even want the kids to go really which is kind of a fib but I really don’t want him there or my mom or my youngest sister either who is now suddenly back in town too because of her dad.

Yeah, life is a total cluster right now. As if 2020 wasn’t bad enough. But it will be good to have her home for a while.

Ten months ago my siblings all came home to celebrate my marriage. That was in February just before the Covid hit the fan. I never could have imagined at that point how this year would go and of course, I never expected all this either.

I have to remind myself that this too shall pass. Covid, winter, heightened states of grief, isolation, sleeplessness. It will all be over at some point and longer, brighter, better days will return. That’s just the way of things. You know? That’s life.

It’s now 4am and I’ve already got 4.5k steps. It really doesn’t matter what I do right now, it feels like it could be 7 or 8am. Yesterday I worked on GLR stuff in the middle of the night and it actually made me feel better to make progress on something. That lit mag’s not going to run itself!

There’s more I could do this morning (there’s always more) but I think the exercise makes me feel good. If I run out of things to write about I’ve got a healthy pile of poems stacking up in my in-box and on my shelf. I’ve got a lecture to write. I’ve got a reading to prepare for. I’ve got Christmas ornaments to hang. The house got halfway decorated by last Monday and nothing has been done since. I think tomorrow will be the day for picking back up on that.

We’ll see.

I suppose that’s it for now.
Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-12-03 Two Fer One Thursday

Yesterday was another long day that moved faster than the normal speed of time. A late morning request led me back across the river to a floral shop in CB followed by a late lunch. Second day in a row inside a restaurant. Not sure how I feel about that.

I also picked up my son from school and it was the first time I’ve seen him in over two weeks. His quarantine is technically over but the Universe only knows what the real incubation period is for that damned virus.

The virus be damned, I need my people.

Tonight as I sat with my two babies In the kitchen while they ate the dinners cooked for them, I felt a wave of relief. And a rush of what I can only describe as happiness. They are home, safe and sound, as it should be. Poking each other’s buttons and pretending to be upset but then laughing out loud. As it should be.

Pretty soon they split off to their separate corners of the house. My son exits saying he’s got homework to do when we all know he’s going up to his room to play a video game. My daughter proceeds to show me her proposed class schedule for next semester, which she has in a document that includes all four years of classes planned out and color coded by category: ACE requirements, Electives, core major requirements, and emphasis classes. That’s MY girl.

Pretty soon she heads up to her room too and I’m alone in the kitchen again. And feel pretty good. I do the dishes and wipe down the counters. Jim is doing charting and I head back to the treadmill for more steps, but end up spending more time trying to coax Gus-Gus (our newest kitty) to step on the treadmill. He just might!
Now that would be a video that would go viral.

I went to bed early again hoping for a repeat performance of the 8 hours I had the night before. But no dice.

That was yesterday. Today is another strange beast. I had a record breaking 3 hours of sleep, waking up sometime in the one o’clock hour and never getting back to sleep.

Sometime in the 2 o’clock hour I went upstairs to my office. I had no intention of trying to sleep really. Futility has got me down, or up actually.

So there I am processing accepts and declines for GLR in the weee hours. Then I worked on what I’m going to say on Saturday. I took breaks to pet the various cats visiting me. I crept back to bed at 5:30 to wait for the 6am alarm. Might have fallen asleep then of course but there wasn’t time enough for that.

I was subsequently exhausted driving Cooper to school. He fell back asleep on the way and I was jealous. I was sure u could fall asleep when I got home. But no dice.

Messages with my step-sister led to the sorting, scanning, cropping, and sending of pictures for the slideshow at the funeral home Saturday.

Then some back and forth texting with other folks and also a phone call from my mom. She was upset about the obituary that names my brother, sister, and I as “children” and not “step-children.” Good grief.

I explained things from a different perspective, which didn’t make her feel better as much as I think just telling someone. She’s suddenly alone too this year, and really feeling the weight of it pressing in on her. Gravity sets in .. this is life now, and it’s a big adjustment.

There’s so much grief around me right now and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. That’s why moments of normalcy like I had last night with my kids are so important. My peace, my center, my hope.

I tried to lay back down at 10am. Still no dice.

Now I’m on the treadmill because what else am I gonna do with myself. I mean, chores and GLR stuff and more decorating are waiting for me. Yeah.. I’ve got stuff to do but somehow what I’m doing right this minute seems more important. My therapy.

Yesterday I had 24,154 steps. Yes. That’s twenty-four thousand, one hundred, fifty-four steps. Guess I need a lot of therapy.

My brother is driving across Nebraska today with his little nuclear family. They are staying in a hotel despite several offers from folks to stay at houses. We’re having them over Friday. I’m not sure how they intend to split time amongst all the people who will want to see them. I know our mom needs to see them. Hopefully they plan to visit with her.

Welp. I’ve only been walking for about half an hour (this time), but don’t have much else to write. Prolly task switch and continue working on the reading.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-19 And Just Like Snap…

Nothing like getting news that wrecks the day. That was 1pm yesterday. I ignored a call from my ex-husband in the AM. One call gets dismissed automatically, because of conditioned behavior. I’ve learned that whatever that first call is, wait, and it could resolve itself, or simmer down, or be a possible a mistake/butt dial or something. A text that follows means it’s more urgent, but still don’t dial back.

I’m not playing games. I’m just hip to the way he operates. I forgot about the text and call, finished my errands, and made it back home. The phone rings again. A second ring, so soon after the first? This could be something important. I answer.

He makes quick work telling me his fiancé has tested positive. Within about two seconds I connect the dots and realize that means my son, who went to their house Monday (And is still there) has been exposed. Two more seconds and I arrived at the fact that he now can’t come home, or go to school. In less than five seconds flat I’ve processed the primary implications.

Still, I only talked with Brian a few more minutes and then told him I needed to process and that I’d call him back. Adding that I Hope Jessie feels better soon and isn’t hit to hard.

My ex thinks I’m immune to Covid because I have O+ blood. His fiancé’s daughter who tested negative is also O+. He is A- and therefore the most susceptible blood type. Naturally he assumes he will get it next. He claims to have read medical journals that validate his statements. But he’s also been known to spin yarn before so I just have to get off the phone any way I can.

I called the school and they excused my son to leave right away and calked back after they talked to the “infected household” to let me know the duration. A standard 14 days unless he shows symptoms and also ends up testing positive. Then they reevaluate.

The good news is that there is no school next week anyhow so the missed coursework will be minimal. The bad news is that he’s already behind and catching up from home is a challenge. It’s why last semester of last year was such a disaster.

I sure hope they have the common sense to keep distanced at that house. They should be doing every thing they can to keep him from getting exposed. But alas, this is all out of my control.

And like I said, while in quarantine I don’t get to see him either so that’s a serous bummer. I can try to face time everyday or something. That’s what I will do.

Deep breaths. Not the worst news, but it does kind of derail me and my trains of thought and break the streak I was having with regard to good sleep.

Yeah. The maker of dreams served up doozie after doozie last night and when I woke up just after 5, it was clear that my subconscious had had enough. I was wide awake.

I don’t remember much but I was at a wedding with a bunch of my original crew and sat the entire reception, which was at a Mexican restaurant, looking at the menu without being able to decide what I wanted. As everyone around me ate and drank and talked and laughed, I combed the menu trying to decide. I remember I had a drink and when the bill came, Amy and Mike told me they put my drink on their bill since that was all I had. How nice.

There were slivers if other moments that seem familiar or were connected somehow: me in a wedding dress, people helping me with getting the other dress I was wearing clean, which I laughed at saying that they should not go to any trouble as the dress only cost me like 3 dollars in the first place.

But all of that slipped away as real life took control of my brain. Funny the way that is.

Right now it’s early. 6am and today promises to be an odd duck.

It’s going to be above 70 degrees and I’ve got big plans to put up more lights outside if I can get my act together. I’m also going to be oddly tethered to my cell service after 8am as we’re supposed to have folks coming to measure to replace some carpet. There are certain places in my house I don’t get cell service and I don’t want to miss their “We’re on our way” call.

I also have a GLR meeting at 10:30. Not really looking forward to that. Whatever. Meh.

As long as I can keep scooting my way to Friday which promises a meetup, with Coffee and maybe a muffin and a walk. It’s the Sam all things yo.

With that, it is our early day and so it’s time to cook breakfast. The day unfolds whether we like it or not.

Doing it,
~Miss SugarCookie