There’s absolutely nothing I’m looking forward to today. That’s messed up.
You know what else is messed up? Stats that lie. Sleep score of 82 last night…. my ass!
Per the usual I was asleep about 30 seconds after I closed my eyes at 10PM. I woke up just before midnight. Ugh!!
I knew right away I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep. I knew it wasn’t because of the cats, or my brain spin. I knew right away because I heard what has now become the all-too-familiar sound of Jim breathing. Heavy and loud like Darth Vader. Only with the occasional inhale snore. I lay there and listen getting more and more angry with each breath.
It’s not his fault but that does nothing to quell my anger at midnight. How is it possible that I was dating Darth for 18 months, and living together, and not realize it? How does THAT happen??!!
I haven’t been forthcoming with this problem, which did not present itself until sometime last fall. Had it always been this way and I just didn’t realize it? What has changed?
We’ve talked about it and he thinks it’s allergies. This is yet another reason to keep the cats out of the master bedroom area. But we have been doing that and the issue is not getting better.
I’ve tried sneaking out to a spare bedroom to sleep and that’s a bummer. It also doesn’t yield a good night sleep because of the cats, and also all the lights. Nothing like spending 10 minutes unplugging, pulling shades, and unscrewing to wake a person up completely. Then lay there in the dark not being able to fall back asleep.
A few days ago I had an idea. I have been meditating in my closet and brought a few pillows in there to sit on. Then I got a sleeping bag and decided I would try sleeping there, like camping. This way, when I wake up I have a place to go back to sleep that’s cat free, dark, and close enough that I can go without waking completely and just fall back asleep.
So dumb. I mean, not every idea is a winner.
Last night when I was laying there listening to Darth, I thought.. this is a test. Can this idea work? I shuffled myself to the closet. I hedged my bets and took a sliver of an antihistamine in route.
The closet was hot and the floor was hard. I remembered immediately how much I hate sleeping on the ground. My pelvis bones ground into the floor. I turned on my side and was reminded how uncomfortable it is to sleep on my side too. But I lay there anyhow and let the sleep aid I had ingested take over. I fell asleep.
I woke up two or three hours later, groggy, sweating, and just immediately pissed off. I hoped the heavy breathing had subsided and went back to the bed.
It had and I fell back asleep, waking again at close to 7am. I suppose despite the grumpy night, the fact that I was able to get a certain quantity of sleep and not actually being awake for that long were the reasons my FitBit reported a “good” sleep score. But damn, I feel like shit.
Something else has to change but I have no idea what that is. The stupid antihistamine is part of the problem. A solution that’s worse than the problem. But in the wee hours I’m not thinking clearly. I will do anything to get back to sleep.
It’s 9:30am now and I think it’s almost cleared my system. But I’m still not looking forward to anything today. I’ve got a meeting with my financial advisor, lunch with my dad, another meeting for the lit mag (with a prominent publisher), and I don’t want to do any of it. Nope.
I also have to send a bunch of declines for the lit mag and that’s a shit job too. Plus those other “to-do” items I didn’t do Monday and Tuesday. Ugh!
Wow. I’m just a ray of sunshine today huh?
Suppose since I have nothing positive to contribute today, I should just quit now. I’m on a pretty good run with regard to exercise and getting my steps lately and so it’s ok if I miss a day, right?
Perhaps I’ll get some mo-jo after I have my coffee? We’ll see.
In Need of a Do Over,