2018-04-20 Timing is Everything

I’m well caffeinated this morning and just flush with thoughts about what I’m reading and the music in my ears. I’m so inspired about all the things I could pontificate about in my next set of essays for school. The renaissance, history, evolutionary biology, the invention of computer language. It’s wild. The book I’m reading is fucking tough. It’s like the author made a point of making it as difficult as possible for what purpose, I’m not sure.

I’m equating it to Organic Chemistry. The class that they give med student hopefuls to weed out the cruft. If I can consume this book and come away with some higher level of understanding, then for sure I’m qualified to be a poet. I’m grateful for the opportunity to try. And since I don’t care for failure or the words “I Can’t”.. then I will get through it and I’ll write the most kick-ass essay about it. There’s only two people who will read it, but that doesn’t matter to me. Like so many things in my life, I’m driven from within and inspired from being without.

I may or may not have stated before but my resolve to continue with my current course has waned considerably this past month. The struggle to do well in all things has caused a stress I never wanted to feel again. I wrote a poem about it and even felt my hand move closer to the emergency stop lever.

The contributing factors are time and money. Probably time because of money. I’m just now coming into the black again. The combination of not getting enough hours into work these past few weeks and seeing another semester on the horizon which will put another 10 grand hit on my safety net has caused a serious pause.

Despite that, I pulled the trigger for Residency this summer. That decision was made easier by tempering my anxiety by holding off on the fall semester for now. I’m waiting to see how this semester ends and also waiting until I hear back from my program advisor on questions I’ve asked.

Timing is sometimes everything though. My thoughts about the program, my goals, and my responsibilities vary day to day and swing certain direction based on my moods. How am I to ever trust any decision when I’m so swayed by emotion. I try sorting things out with logic and reason and separating the feelings from the main equation. That’s where my left-brain analytics and desire to see a visual list of pros and cons come in handy. This usually helps me come to the best conclusion on life decisions.

This time, it’s not as easy. What happens when one side of the list is abstract and un-quantifiable. How to I put money on one side of the equation and “the meaning of life” on the other?

What is the price of fulfilling your life’s undefined purpose? Is it priceless? Is it worth risking the very life you are trying to define? Is that life so insignificant that there is actually no risk at all.. only perceived risk? Have I now travelled so far down the rabbit hole that any conclusion I come to fails to carry any weight at all in the real world?

You see, I’m failing to explain myself because somehow in the midst of all my self doubt about the right course of action I’m blinded by the light of poetry. I’m blinded and called to it and it’s so bright and hot that it’s literally melted everything on the left side the equation.

There’s a certain event in my life that I equate to punctuated equallibrium. That event set the wheels in motion like the Turks capturing Constantinople. Like the Greeks, I fled from that scene with all my texts, Poetry, journals, and art in cardboard boxes and electronic files.

Margo Street was my Italy. Thus began the Renaissance, thus began the evolution. Everything that has transpired since then has been moving me forward and now, today, when I’m faced with a decision about what the right course of action is, it feels as though the answers to all those questions don’t even matter.

Timing is some mystical power the Universe uses to bend us to the will of fate. We might try, with our primitive brains, to explain or even describe it using science and mathematics and history, but the essence of it evades.

That or it’s just the caffeine making me loco. 😜

Back to Reality,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-03-24 Law Of Attraction and the Gift Of Time

You know that some people subscribe to the theory that all you have to do is send thoughts about what you want and what you need out into the Universe at large and that opens the door to make those things possible. If I had to put this into actual terms people have come to agree on, it would be the “Law of Attraction”. There’s a wiki page on it so I know there must be just a few people who at least agree that this concept is worth trying to define.

I can’t say I believe in this, but there’s compelling evidence in that positive thinking begets positive thinking and that negativity, too, is a communicable thing. I wrote about this about a hundred years ago and that was published in my office newsletter (back in the good ole days at the Hospital).

It must have been something I thought was pretty good because I posted it on my blog. A quick re-read, and its probably more worthy of someone’s time than this is.

Let’s Get Happy Together

But I still have a point to make…

Two days ago I started freaking out about my schoolwork. I had a mini-meltdown and though in hindsight I was probably exaggerating a smidge in my head, the angst and stress were very real. I didn’t specifically request that I be given more time, but believe me when I say I wished very distinctly for it.

And what, can you guess, I found in my email a short time after that?!.. A message from mentor stating that he will be out of the country and will not be able to get to my packet until he returns and suggesting I delay sending it by a week. WHAT?! Are you freaking serious?!!! (I did a, not so silent, happy dance in my kitchen when I read that).

Ask and you shall receive. Or so “they” say. Like I’ve said before, I’m a realist and a skeptic too, but a growing list of evidence is hard to ignore.

Time is a gift. Last year I bawled my eyes out at the conclusion of JohnnyDepp’s sequel to Alice in Wonderland. That was the message from the movie and a realization that you have to cherish every minute here and now, and not waste it caused my heart to ache.

Now that I’ve been given this gift, I’m going to make the most of it. This brief reprieve has eased my mind and allowed me to regain my focus. Last night I happily worked on revisions and this morning I successfully typed in all the hand written notes and first drafts from the past month. The next step is to select what to submit and start thinking about what I need to communicate.

I also finished part 1 of 2 in one of my texts and have, for now, put the critical essays on the back burner. I’ve actually written some poetry about a few of the concepts I’m collecting, but I’m sure that’s not what they had in mind when they made critical essays a part of the curriculum. 😜

As always, balance is key and the extra time also means I don’t have to sacrifice QT with the kids or sleep or exercise or my newly blooming relationship. That makes me happy. I just hope the Universe is not planning any unpleasant surprises for April Fools day.

No Time to Waste,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-26 Just Another Post About Relationships

Yes.. again. I’ve apparently been condemned to a life of never ending questions about relationships and not a lot of answers. Where does one start? I’ll start with the state of starting over.

A friend of mine said to me one time that if he and his wife were ever to part ways, for whatever reason, he thinks he would not be interested in starting over. That somehow he would just live the rest of his life as a single dude. This feels impossible to me.

I know everyone is different, and perhaps there are people out there, like my friend, who are built with an internal fortitude enough to know they could live a long time without a partner. I know I’m not.

This just means that I can’t be out of it for very long before getting back in it. This leads to my current predicament, which is the state of starting over. Beginning again is challenging, and it never gets easier. In fact, I think it gets more and more difficult each time.

It’s such a strong current of thought that it surfaces even when I am with someone. For example, even before things were even ‘over’ with Simon, I was already thinking about the notion (including both the positives and negatives) of being single and available again. Maybe that was really the final sign I needed to recognize he wasn’t right for me. I’d started thinking about starting again and my mind was wandering to other prospects.

I found myself thinking about Lance. As unrealistic as that is, due to the distance between us and the precarious nature of our history, my mind went there. The mind is a powerful thing. It convinced me that, despite the obstacles, there could be something more there. I weighed the pros and cons and, yes, acknowledged I have feelings for this guy and somehow concluded that it was possible.

We have a great time when we are together but he lives in Denver. He’s got a good job that he likes and he’s got his shit together, but he lives in Denver. He’s a happy, positive, attractive person who is attracted to me, but he lives in Denver. He’s active, has a great network of friends, and lives a healthy lifestyle. Oh, but did I mention, he lives in Denver.

So that’s just a tiny detail right? And of course there are more difficult challenges that people have, but the brain is one with the force and the force is with the brain. It concluded that it could still work so I initiated a conversation.

It was more like sending a very benign question across the line. I suggested that I was looking for an excuse to get out of town, which I want to do anyway, and asked if he’d be available for a visit in February. The conversation that followed only proves that the Universe, while possibly brilliant, is also a dirty bastard with a keen way of reminding us of what was written in the fine print.

In short, he’s just started seeing someone and said I’d be welcome to come stay at his place because he’ll probably be staying at hers. Quick, somebody take the knife out of me before he twists it.

“She’s a hot 44 year old that has a really good job .. and he’s deleted the dating app he used to find her because he really wants to see where it’s going”. Too late, knife=twisted.

“Great! Good luck with that.” Was my response. I also said that if he wasn’t going to be available there was no reason for me to go to Denver. Like, thanks, the last thing I want to do is go to Denver alone where I don’t know anyone else. I’m sure he sensed my disappointment, even if it was just a text conversation.

Can you even believe I was upset about that? How on earth is it possible that some idea in my head could be so convincing that there are residual hurt feelings over some guy I never dated seeing someone else. What is wrong with me?!?!

That’s rhetorical.. moving on.

I’m not built for life without a partner. I’m not even built for life without the idea of a person who might be my person. I’m condemned to either ponder it endlessly or actually take steps to start over. At least I know myself.

Three or four days ago I opened the Bumble app (which I never deleted). I rewrote my profile bio in the dead of the night and adjusted my target age range. I waited until the light of day to start swiping again because nothing says “creeper” like a person who matches with you at 3am. 😂

Now I’ve got 2 or 3 conversations that are active and am spending my precious time chatting instead of work and schoolwork. That’s so wrong, but what is one to do anyway?

Also rhetorical.

***

I keep trying to open my heart.
But I just end up back here,
the place where folks start.

These are the only three lines I kept from a poem that got workshopped during Residency and have subsequently rewritten the rest. It’s called “Toothbrushes”. It’s probably still shit, but I’m including it in my first packet regardless.

Ok.. now to resist the urge to do more swiping and get to work.

Friday Fringles,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-24 Why Poetry

I’m in the car this morning navigating the ice rink that is the high school parking lot. I was dodging teenagers and their Pontiacs and late model Cadillacs and somehow maintaining my positive disposition despite my daughters insistance on fighting with me about a 5 minute discrepancy in our schedules.

I’m only half listening to her because there’s a Soundgarden song on with lyrics that are speaking directly to my soul. My mind is thinking about poetry.

At Residency, the second most asked question (besides who my favorite poets are), was “Why poetry”. Nobody has ever asked me that before. My gut response then was “because it’s always been Poetry”, but that doesn’t really explain it and so I’ve been thinking about the question ever since.

As a part of my course of study I’m reading texts and collections of poems by famous poets and also googling things of interest that are related to see what someone outside that sphere of influence has to say about things. Here and there I am gathering bits and pieces of “Why”. Due to the demand of organization required by my left brain, I’ve been keeping a list. Every time I feel I’ve discovered another reason, I write it down.

When I began to listen to the lyrics of “Halfway There”, there was something about it that vibrated within me. Not any one word, but the arrangement culminating in an interpretation that bounced around inside of me and created ripples of thought.

As I let the waves take over, everything else began to fade into the distance. My daughters voice became muted. In my peripheral vision, I could tell by her movements, she was still speaking but I couldn’t hear it. All I could hear were the vibrations from “Should a good life be so hard won / is that what our dreams have become.”

My daughter got out of the car and refused to respond to me as I said “Have a great day. I love you”. I’m used to that by now.

As I pulled out of the parking lot I hit the rewind button so I could listen from the beginning.

I wondered, as I encountered the first 4 way stop if I could say what Soundgarden had said any better. The arrangement of those words flirting with perfection in my ears. I rounded the next corner and concluded that any form of imitation or rework of the same subject would fall so far away from the original and result in complete failure.

I pulled into my driveway and allowed the song to finish and kept the car running long enough to hear what the Universe had chosen for my next song.

It was “Lurgee” by Radio Head. Oh the mystery and mastery of the omniscient. Well played.

I want to write lyrics that not only heighten my sense of being and elicit recollections of feeling, but perhaps also to shine a light on something bright enough to move others to also see it and feel it with me. This is not coming from a place of ego. It’s a genuine desire to channel my endless empathy into something worthwhile.

In order for me to do this, I have to get out of my ‘I Thought’, and commit to gaining a deeper understanding of the universe, Earth, and all forces at work on a random Wednesday morning in a High School parking lot. Based on what I know now, I have a long way to go.

I need to study my craft and fine tune my senses with experience. And it needs to be Poetry because that’s what was placed inside of me before birth. It’s thousands of thoughts waiting to be brought to life on the page with a syntax and vocabulary and rhythm that sing when read outloud or in the mind, touching the deepest part of one’s soul.

It’s the best answer to the question I’ve come up with yet to “Why Poetry?”. Time to go add that to the list.

Happy Hump Day!
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-16 Any Given Sunday

It’s Easter, but in my world it’s just another Sunday. Just another Sunday, except today I’m having a hard time getting out of bed because I drank too much last night and did not get enough sleep.

I haven’t drank alcohol for a while now and the last time I did, it was like one or two margaritas at a party that Leah and I went to… until last night. I started with a margarita at the La Mesa Mexican restaurant and that was pretty tasty but then Josh and I went to meet a friend of his at a bar out west for a drink. It was supposed to have a rooftop bar area but they closed it down due to possible bad weather, which was kind of stupid actually since the storms were miles away. It would have been cool to see the lightning show from that location. Anyway, I had two more cocktails there and this morning I have a nice reminder of why I just can’t drink at all anymore.

My head hurts and my stomach is kind of doing a number on me and my eyes are super sensitive to the light. I’d like to sleep more, but I know that I will not be able to. Yesterday I wasted a perfectly good day off of work doing random stuff around the house and didn’t really get to the yard work that I should have been doing outside until it was about 6:30 PM and kind of too late to start anything real. I want to try and make up for that today, but that means I would have to get out of bed first. It might be a challenge.

The drinks at the second place were not that great and I was just drinking to keep my buzz. It was an OK feeling in the moment, but totally not worth what I am feeling now. The older I get the worse this is and I truly don’t really miss the alcohol when I’m off the sauce, so I should just stick with the one drink and done if I am going to have any at all.

Because it is Easter, a lot of places are probably closed so I have no excuses (besides my slight hangover) to not get stuff done outside today. I’ll have to face the bright lights because it does seem quite sunny out, but I think once I’m out there I will be motivated to really make progress on things. My hope would be that by the end of the day I will have several areas of my back yard primed and ready for planting the veggies.

Later I’ll probably go to the Dragon Cafe for sushi and I know they will be open because folks there don’t care that it is Easter. That’s where I had dinner on Christmas. I might just decide to make that my C and E tradition. Instead of observing the holiday at church, I’ll observe the deliciousness of some crab rangoon and tuna avocado rolls. If there’s some benevolent power in the universe watching over all of life, I think she would approve. I say “she” because women have the power to “produce live”, so it only makes sense to me that whatever form that energy manifests in, it would be female.

But enough about me and my hangover and my religious beliefs, it’s time for me to get my butt out of bed and make something out of this Sunday that I have been given.

Much Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-03-30 Wait a Day, Things Will Change

Two days ago, by the sheer force of my own will, I turned a rotten day into a good day. At the very least, I took a negative start to the day and made something positive out it. I did that with my mind powers. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, it was a complete turnaround. There was no reason for me to have a bad day, but no matter what I did, the mood was stuck in the gutter. A little thing happened during work, and I let it affect me.. for hours. I wasn’t even at work, and I could not stop dwelling on it. I had my Jazzersize which generally puts me in a happy place, but left feeling unsatisfied. I kicked ass by getting more cardio in at the gym. I even went and had one of my tried and true favorite cheeseburgers after the gym. As I finished it and a nice slice of cherry pie, I could not help but think how blah I still felt. So maybe I don’t have the mind powers I thought I did to change the day.

That’s unfortunate.

Fortunately, it seems as though the good vibes can come and go. So if I am having a heavy day, I just need to sleep on it and tomorrow it could bounce back. Like it did today.

Lots of great energy and interactions today and things just felt like they were going to be all-right. Everything was right with the world. Things felt good and felt good.

So is it me, or is it all just circumstantial, or is it completely out of control and being dictated by the powers of the universe? I’m not sure, but if it is the universe, let me just say, “Thank you.. May I have Another?”.

I’m going to sleep now so I can wake up and see how things have changed.

Until Tomorrow,
Miss SugarCookie

2017-03-03 When the Universe Smiles at You.. 4

There was no set plan for the day yesterday, but everything seemed to happen exactly as it was meant to… and it could not have worked out better.

I worked most of the morning from a standing desk in Ademir’s basement and had a very intense set of calls. I faced issue after issue, and fielded question after question, so by early afternoon, I felt like I had earned my keep and a pass to venture out for food and a little exploring.

On this trip, I’m the driver and Josh is the navigator. This is his home away from home so I just have to say what it is I am in the mood for and whatever that is, he’ll get us there. For our first meal in the city, though, I opted to leave it to him to suggest a place. He decided it was some breakfast/lunch place that was fairly close to our home base that serves baller french toast and so we set out in that direction.

When we got to the general area, though, he could not remember the name of the place and it wasn’t coming up on the map. We parked in a parking lot next to a grill and pub called “Weber’s Front Row” and started walking the main strip. I’m not sure what the name of that area of town is called, but Webster University, where his friend Crystal works, was close by.

After walking up and down a couple of blocks, we didn’t find it so we got back in the car to do more google searching. Before too long, my hunger took over and I suggested we just eat at this place we were parked at. “It’s a grill and pub, and they have Cheeseburgers.” What more could a girl ask for?

When they set that plate in front of me, I could not help but think, “Everything works out the way it is supposed to”. There I was, first day in a city I had never been to before and the universe was handing me the most delicious Cheeseburger. And it really was so, so good.

It was a thick, juicy beef patty topped with a generous portion of melted real cheddar cheese, grilled onions, and dill pickle slices. And all of that was contained within an toasted onion kaiser bun. It was amazeballs. The burger was cooked medium to perfection and served with an accompaniment of golden french fries which were also cooked very much to my liking – crispy on the outside and soft and steamy hot on the inside. It was a total thumbs up. I’m a pretty tough critic so when I say it gets 4 stars out of 5, that’s something.

Josh opted to order “The Lumberjack”, which was also a cheeseburger but instead of a regular bun, they put it inside two grilled cheese sandwiches. On the menu it also came with fried egg, but he elected to get those on the side. It was still a ridiculous mouthful for sure and also delicious (as he let me try a bite). He likes his burger rare, which is not my cup of tea, but he seemed to enjoy it quite a bit. It was too much food for us, but that’s part of the fun of being “on vacation”. We left that place completely satisfied and happy that things worked out the way they did.

Was it fate that led Josh to want to go to that area of town? Was it coincidence that the restaurant we were looking for was not coming up in our google map searches? Was it luck that the parking lot we elected to park in was next to a pub? In my life right now, I need to do a little more letting go on questioning why and just be grateful for what’s been given. When the universe smiles at you.. you say thank you and smile back.

Thanks Universe, 😃
Miss SugarCookie