Yes.. again. I’ve apparently been condemned to a life of never ending questions about relationships and not a lot of answers. Where does one start? I’ll start with the state of starting over.
A friend of mine said to me one time that if he and his wife were ever to part ways, for whatever reason, he thinks he would not be interested in starting over. That somehow he would just live the rest of his life as a single dude. This feels impossible to me.
I know everyone is different, and perhaps there are people out there, like my friend, who are built with an internal fortitude enough to know they could live a long time without a partner. I know I’m not.
This just means that I can’t be out of it for very long before getting back in it. This leads to my current predicament, which is the state of starting over. Beginning again is challenging, and it never gets easier. In fact, I think it gets more and more difficult each time.
It’s such a strong current of thought that it surfaces even when I am with someone. For example, even before things were even ‘over’ with Simon, I was already thinking about the notion (including both the positives and negatives) of being single and available again. Maybe that was really the final sign I needed to recognize he wasn’t right for me. I’d started thinking about starting again and my mind was wandering to other prospects.
I found myself thinking about Lance. As unrealistic as that is, due to the distance between us and the precarious nature of our history, my mind went there. The mind is a powerful thing. It convinced me that, despite the obstacles, there could be something more there. I weighed the pros and cons and, yes, acknowledged I have feelings for this guy and somehow concluded that it was possible.
We have a great time when we are together but he lives in Denver. He’s got a good job that he likes and he’s got his shit together, but he lives in Denver. He’s a happy, positive, attractive person who is attracted to me, but he lives in Denver. He’s active, has a great network of friends, and lives a healthy lifestyle. Oh, but did I mention, he lives in Denver.
So that’s just a tiny detail right? And of course there are more difficult challenges that people have, but the brain is one with the force and the force is with the brain. It concluded that it could still work so I initiated a conversation.
It was more like sending a very benign question across the line. I suggested that I was looking for an excuse to get out of town, which I want to do anyway, and asked if he’d be available for a visit in February. The conversation that followed only proves that the Universe, while possibly brilliant, is also a dirty bastard with a keen way of reminding us of what was written in the fine print.
In short, he’s just started seeing someone and said I’d be welcome to come stay at his place because he’ll probably be staying at hers. Quick, somebody take the knife out of me before he twists it.
“She’s a hot 44 year old that has a really good job .. and he’s deleted the dating app he used to find her because he really wants to see where it’s going”. Too late, knife=twisted.
“Great! Good luck with that.” Was my response. I also said that if he wasn’t going to be available there was no reason for me to go to Denver. Like, thanks, the last thing I want to do is go to Denver alone where I don’t know anyone else. I’m sure he sensed my disappointment, even if it was just a text conversation.
Can you even believe I was upset about that? How on earth is it possible that some idea in my head could be so convincing that there are residual hurt feelings over some guy I never dated seeing someone else. What is wrong with me?!?!
That’s rhetorical.. moving on.
I’m not built for life without a partner. I’m not even built for life without the idea of a person who might be my person. I’m condemned to either ponder it endlessly or actually take steps to start over. At least I know myself.
Three or four days ago I opened the Bumble app (which I never deleted). I rewrote my profile bio in the dead of the night and adjusted my target age range. I waited until the light of day to start swiping again because nothing says “creeper” like a person who matches with you at 3am. 😂
Now I’ve got 2 or 3 conversations that are active and am spending my precious time chatting instead of work and schoolwork. That’s so wrong, but what is one to do anyway?
I keep trying to open my heart.
But I just end up back here,
the place where folks start.
These are the only three lines I kept from a poem that got workshopped during Residency and have subsequently rewritten the rest. It’s called “Toothbrushes”. It’s probably still shit, but I’m including it in my first packet regardless.
Ok.. now to resist the urge to do more swiping and get to work.