2019-11-22 A Love Letter for Today

A Love Letter for Today

 

My words are a love letter.
To love is a verb which doesn’t always mean
the same thing as it did the day before.
The bible says that it is patient and kind but i find
more often than not, it can also be lonely and wanting
and hopeful and full and sometimes stomping it’s foot
in defiance, not wanting whatever meaning is given that day.
What do the men that wrote the bible know
about anything really? How can you trust an ancient mirage
someone might have seen or heard
and language so new in the mouth
not everything had been named yet?
We can only know of love what we experience
in brief existence. And we can only know our thresholds
according to what came the day before.
And we can only learn the capacity of our cup
if we dare to let it run over once or twice
and can never know when or why it’s bigger
or smaller than the day before.
My words are a love letter to all who might listen
for a moment, in the morning to the birds
or gaze out a window, steam rising from a warm cup in their hand.
Those who allow themselves to be mesmerized by the dryer vent
pushing heat into the cold
or their breath as they wander out to get the mail in December
and also those who hold the importance of a moment up, in wonder.
Or a lifetime. Or a life.
Or each other. For all things fragile are a wonder.
I thought once that pain made me feel alive
and believed that what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.
Now I believe only that what doesn’t kill me, leaves me alive
to try again tomorrow.
My words are a love letter to myself. To my future self
who will never read them, just as so many others who love me
and will never read them.
This love letter is just words.
Some of which don’t know the meaning of themselves yet
Or might mean something different
tomorrow.

2019-07-21 MFA Res Days 8 and 9 – Tough Choices

The last two days I’ve felt less anxiety and less pressure, mostly, yet still inspired by so many shiny objects. On the downhill slide, the back of the back 9, the preparing for a return to reality from the dream, I find that the most difficult task is the necessity to chose between things, people, places, moments, activities, and food. A sense or acknowledgement that I cannot, infact, have it all as it is an impossibility and am faced with decision making. Not my strong suit.

Do I hang with people I just met, or my closest allies here who have grown more dear to me by the hour, or perhaps the faculty who I would get more wisdom from. It is not lost on me that everyone is on their own back 9 and also having to choose.

I had to choose between watching the sunset and talking with one of my previous mentors. We both kept crossing paths all week and promising each other we would take some time and catch up, but the time never materialized. We have similar dispositions and both worry about doing everything that needs doing and focusing on the next thing at hand. We were both prioritizing (though some of mine was dictated by basic needs sort of stuff). I chose the conversation, the sunset behind me. It was one of the easier choices and well worth it.

Later I had to choose between staying at the lodge and leaving for a walk with a few folks. Should I stay at the physical place that embodies the spirit of the program with its diversity of great people and potential conversations and possibilities for fun and games and amusement? Or do I leave the place and choose to reward myself with physical activity and the opportunity to have a more intimate conversation with a select few? More of a difficult choice, but I went with my gut. What I needed.

Some walking and digestion. Less sensory input, not more (except for that one bar we stopped in along the way where it was all just much too much). Less drinking not more. Less chaos of conversation not more. I made my choice and In return I was again rewarded by the universe by having a wonderful walk and conversation with two really incredible people. One a mentor and the other, a woman I met in the program who is now more than just a fellow writer, peer, safe space at the dining table, she’s a friend. Not the ‘see you later, let’s do lunch’ type of friend, but a genuine human I want in my life for a long time.

The walk deserves a whole blog post of its own, perhaps a collection of poems. Isnt that something!?! But my time for this one is getting short now and I’ll have to wrap soon. You know what they say about time.

This morning I woke naturally after the most amount of sleep I’ve had in 9 nights. I opened my eyes and shortly thereafter heard the low rumble of thunder. I got up and opened my window which revealed the pouring rain. I thought to myself “how god damned appropriate is that?”. “IT” was still happening, the serendipitous-ness of the program and the place and its people, even as everyone was well on their way back to their own realities.

The release, the transition, the dramatic change being echoed by nature. Or felt by it, or being mourned by it. It took me two trips to get all my stuff loaded into the car. I closed the trunk of my car and looked up at the sky, the rain on my face felt wonderful.

With peace and so much love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2019-02-15 V-Day Wrap Up and Other Random Thoughts

My mind is full of random thoughts today and I’m not sure where to start or what’s worthy of words. Yesterday I was all about thinking about the languages of love and I find it ironic that words are so important to me but the category of “words of affirmation” scores so low with me. I guess that just means I think actions speak louder than words where love is concerned. Yeah that.

Wrapping up the events of the day yesterday, when Jim came home from work yesterday I came down the stairs from my office to find two bottles of wine on the counter (his white and my red) and two glasses and a gift with a card. I thought “oh no, here we go”. I thought we agreed not to exchange gifts but perhaps the gift had already been purchased. I had left the card I got him on the counter so we proceeded to open and pour a glass and open our respective things. Cards first.

After that we had a bit of a chuckle over the fact that we both went to the Dollar Tree for our respective cards. I was afraid the same would not be true for the gift. I was right.

It was a small box beautifully wrapped with red paper and a white bow. As I turned it in my hand and gave him a wry smile he said “I don’t know how this will go… it could be like the cake thing all over again”. Eeeek, that was my first clue. Sure enough it was a really fancy box inside of the box and inside that a piece of jewelry.. a necklace.

Like many girls, I wear jewelry everyday. I typically wear a necklace, a few rings, and small earrings. The jewelry I wear is very modest and quite inexpensive. That’s my style. The things I wear are dainty and either meaningful, symbolically, like the necklace I bought when I visited Stonehenge -or- as is the case for most of my earrings) from target or Walmart because I have a habit of loosing them. The point is, outside of the engagement ring I now wear, most of my jewelry cost less than like 25 bucks. Really, some of those earring sets come in packs of 6 pairs or more and are less than 10 bucks.

So when I opened the box In my head I was repeating over and over “smile and be thankful”. That’s exactly what I did. I mean we’ve had “the talk” about cut flowers and as of this week about cake as well, but we’ve never talked about jewelry. Gawd… I’m shitty at receiving gifts! 🙄

I took it out of the box and examined it (keeping a smile the entire time). He said he hadn’t seen me wear a thicker chain like that before and that the purple stone dangling from the silver chain wasnt too outrageous. He knows purple is my favorite color which he also pointed out. I smiled at him and kissed him and said “it’s a very nice necklace. Thank you”. Then I carefully placed it back in the box, just as I found it. I placed that box inside the first box and set it on the counter behind me.

We exchanged kisses and “I love yous” again and said cheers to Valentine’s Day and sipped from our glasses again. Then he went and got changed for dinner and I left the box on the counter and took my glass to my favorite room of the house to sit and sip and wait for him to join me. I think I handled that so much better than the gifting of Cake earlier in the week. 😜

At dinner he brought it up first. (I sure as hell wasnt going to bring it up again.. not anytime that night anyway). He asked me how much I think it cost. Now here is where I am quite out of my element. Guessing the price and jewelry? Since I don’t buy nice jewelry I have no idea how much nice jewelry costs and so My guess was a total wag.

He said “too low“ and then I guessed too high and then he just outright told me. I’m really not surprised, but it made me uncomfortable because it’s likely a necklace I would never wear. It’s just not me and not just because of the price, because it’s not my style. It sort of reminded me of something an old lady who is trying to impress her friends at a bridge party might wear. Yeah, not me at all. I politely told him as much (leaving out the old lady/bridge part) and said I could not quite justify spending that amount of money on something like that.

He said he appreciated the conversation and my honesty and that we would return it and look for something else. I agreed. We’ll just see it this jewelry store has something that is more my style or perhaps just return it and get the money back. I really don’t even need anything.. really. I’m sure it would be an insult if I would have said “let me take you to to super target baby so I can show you what I like”. Haha!

Later that night after we had both had too much to drink I asked him what the difference was (in his mind) between financial security and financial success. I also asked him what he really thinks about president trump, so one might guess I was fishing for a disagreement. Perhaps I was. Not sure why I would do that outside of thinking that people are typically more honest when drunk and I really wanted an honest response. Both of those conversation are worthy of blog posts of their own and I just don’t have it in me to dive into it now.

So that was my first Valentine’s Day with my fiancé and now it’s over. The only thing that remains is returning the necklace. We’ll see how that goes.

Today is Friday and for the Love of all the cinnamon apppe tea in the universe, I just need to get some serious hours logged for work. I need to find motivation. I haven’t added up my time so far this week and I’m seriously afraid of how behind I am. I asked my boss earlier this week how we might divide up some of the tasks as I was feeling like I was falling behind. His response was not awesome.

He said “I think we’re in good shape and if you need to work more hours you can”. Uhhhh, what? He’s being obtuse. I told him when I took the job that I only wanted to work 20-25 hours a week and outside of circumstances beyond my control had to boost that to 30. I’m struggling getting just 20-25 and have already sacrificed a semester of school. I can’t just “work more”. I’m not about that anymore. I need to do a better job of communicating with my bosses and they need to do a better job of communicating with each other.

Yeah, my thoughts might be scattered but there are some definite front runners. Apparently work is ALWAYS one of those things. That’s rotten. It just means I’ve got more that needs to be worked out or it wouldn’t keep rearing it’s ugly head.

What else?….

As predicted my calves are killing me and I regret that run.

Jim keeps putting off planning trips and that’s irritating.

My house inspection was this week and now I have a list of shit that they think needs fixed and it makes no sense to me why those things never came up on my home inspection 3 years ago if they are so damn important.

I miss my kids and my Z keeps lamenting about wishing she was here with me.

The winter is too long and I’m sick of cold and snow.

Adjusting to this new living situation is a struggle.

Despite my only working part time, I’m still not making any progress on my reading and writing and that’s frustrating. Ugh!!

FitBit tells me I’m one day away from getting my Period and it couldn’t come soon enough. My mood swings and irrational thoughts have really gotten the best of me this week and it’s a shame. I keep thinking “wait a few days and if it’s still that important, then do something about it.” Hopefully by Monday I’ll be on the other side of this and be able to sort it all out.

That’s it for today. That’s enough. Really enough.

🤔🙄😏🤷‍♀️

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-25 I’d Rather be Lost In Lost In Space

I used to go to the gym in the evenings all the time. Its 8:15Pm now and I can’t help but feel I’d rather be anywhere else but here. I’m also not feeling very inspired by anything either. Damn.

I just wanna go hang out with JS and talk and watch a tv show or something. Yesterday we started watching the reboot of Lost In Space. It’s been so long since I had a show and a person and a a .. “we” have our first show! How nerdy is it that I’m happy about having TV time to look forward to, for “us”. So great. Being in love is great.

Now if I can only figure out how to make money grow on trees so I can quit my job and enjoy this awesomeness full time. If there is one thing that is hard to do it’s get used to working again after being off for 5 months. It’s extremely difficult.

How many more years is it to retirement again?! Oh yeah, a lot. /sigh

I switched from the elliptical to the treadmill and I’m still not jazzed about this. I’m thinking at this point I shouldn’t fight it. When it’s pajama time, it’s pajama time.

Until tomorrow,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-22 No Apologies, No Regrets

Why does it take so long in our lives to get to the point where we care less about what everyone else thinks and more about what we think? I look at my teenage daughter and can feel her persona covered in things she has picked up from caring about what other people think. It’s not easy to grow out of nor is it quick process.

In my 20s and 30’s I still worried about what other people thought about me. Some of those people mattered and some of them didn’t. Slowly I’ve adopted a new outlook and attitude and I have to say that in the last year, I’ve made great progress.

I don’t think anyone ever gets completely away from caring what other people think. It’s part of why mutual accountability works in a positive way. Hopefully we can embrace the positive things about human nature and just put a hand up to block and shoo away the rest.

This is echoing in my mind today as I consider saying things to people that I want to say, without apologizing for who I am or what my words say about me or what someone might think about me because of it.

I’m over apologizing for the way I feel. I’m aiming for no regrets.

To be clear, I’m not talking about saying things to people to directly personally attack them or make them feel a certain way. I’m not that kind of person. I’m just talking about being more open with my thoughts and feelings with people who I have interpersonal relationships with.

Over time I’ve become more comfortable sharing my raw, organic thoughts in a somewhat anonymous public forum and I’d like to make that same true with the people in my life. This includes my parents, acquaintances, people I’ve known for years, and people I’ve just met.

I haven’t been dishonest. I’ve just historically made the choice to not say things because of fear or worry or consequence. I think over time my fear of regret has taken on more weight and is now heavier than my fear of consequences.

I am who I am and I’m willing to change and grow but want to stay grounded in being true to myself. I want to continue forward in my search of love and inspiration leaving fewer regrets on the path behind me.

Looking in the mirror and facing the reality of myself is important. I do care about what I think of myself and have to come to terms with both the beautiful parts and the ugly parts. It’s rare for people at large to hold that mirror up for you. I’m very grateful for those who do and are honest with me regardless of whether that is positive or negative. In that way, I do still care about what people think. I’m just making more of a conscious choice in my reactions.

Every morning, if I don’t wake before my alarm, I’ve got a nice reminder. My phone is set to play John Mayer singing “Say”. He gets quick to the chorus “Say what you need to say”. Every word in that song resonates with me and is exactly how I aspire to be.

Last, but certainly not least, today and always… A heart felt thank you to all who have liked, commented, or reached out to me personally from reading my words! It means a great deal to me!! ❤️😘😘

Truly, Madly, Deeply, and Completely,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-14 The Gift Of Time

This poser holiday is even dumber than Groundhog Day. Can I get an Amen from all my fellow V-day haters?

Yet.. it’s a thing I can’t help but think I would be totally excited about if I was in a romantic relationship. /sigh

What do we do?
We kill a bunch of flowers.
We boost our capitalist economy with the purchase of stuffed animals destined for landfills.
We kill some trees.
We dismiss our health and give the gift of future diabetes to our loved ones.
And for what? As a display of love for the people we care about. Seriously!!

Those people deserve better. They deserve to be given better. And that starts with simple acknowledgement of our feelings not just today, but everyday.

Hug the people you can every day if you are able.
Tell them how you feel every day if you are able.
Show them how you feel by doing something thoughtful for them every day.
Because, you don’t just love someone one day a year. You love them every day. Or you like them or you don’t. 🤷‍♀️ They are your feelings to do with what you want.

How you feel on any given day might be temporary. Some feelings are fleeting. Life is long. Life is short. We should use the time we have wisely.

I’m just a girl doing the best I can with what I have been given for this life. That includes two beautiful children who I won’t get to spend quality time with today. It includes an ex whose primary concern today is child support. It includes having almost my whole day open for something wonderful. It will probably include writing some poetry. It will most certainly include some sort of self-indulgence in chocolate.

It’s pretty much just like every other day of my life right now… but it’s still special. Today is special because ive been given the gift of time and the freedom to spend it on (almost) whatever I want. And it’s already started and I’m already doing it. ☮️❤️😊

Time to start practicing what I preach!

No doubling back now,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-12 On the Flipside

Today I became incredibly sucked into thinking about my past for an hour or more. I was completely distracted from what I originally wanted to be doing with this time and now my time for doing it is running out. I’m glad that it happened, but at the same time, I need every hour of this day to get things done and I feel I’m not as organized as I typically am. I should just forgive myself for being human and then make a list so I can get started.

Still, that trip down memory lane hit me like a ton of bricks and I may not be able to “let go” of how I feel right now. If I truly am going to submit a poem about love and justice, perhaps it should be something new. Maybe instead of closing the book on it and moving on with my day, I should “let go” of the things I thought were important today and use the energy that’s churning inside me now to create.

I felt a shadow of the pain I had before when I read what I wrote. However, re-reading in the context of what I know now about what was going on in October last year brings about a few new feelings. I was trying desperately to convince Matt to come back to me and was met with a stone wall. That’s how I’ve described it. The rejection was terrible and the lack of interest in communication was devastating. Still, he always left me with a tiny sliver of hope. That was garbage.

Months later I find out he had already started dating someone else. If he had let me in on that, I would still have felt an immense amount of pain, but it would have been different. It would be grief knowing some other person had slept in “our” bed. It would be heartache over her getting to do things with him that we used to do together. I had some of that when I finally found out, but I am sure if I had known since October, my grieving process would not have been drawn out so long.

As it was, In December I was still holding onto hope he would go to Mexico with me. That was never going to happen and he should have told me at least that much. I may not have gotten so drunk all through the holidays and the week I was in Mexico. I most certainly would not have waited until March or April or May to start getting on with my life.
So that waste of time sort of feels like an injustice dealt to me. He was moving on, even if he didn’t have the same kinds of feelings for her as he did for me. It was wrong that I was left hoping and waiting.

So maybe my very first poem submission about love and justice should be on the flip side instead and I should write about love and injustice. Love and all the things that aren’t fair about it. Heartbreak and the delicate task of navigating a thick, sticky sea of emotions while keeping the rest of your life together enough that everything else doesn’t go to shit too (kind of like mine seemed to).

I’m not sure, but I should really either go be creative or start hacking away at that to-do list.

Tomorrow I get in a car with my mom to drive to my brother’s place in Colorado. I need to do laundry and dishes and pack some things. I’m also planning to see Simon one more time before I leave… priorities you know. 😉

One Flip, Two Flip, Me Flip, You Flip,
~Miss SugarCookie