2020-10-15 If I’m Being Honest…

I might as well be painfully honest. **Spoiler alert.. Rant city, dead ahead in 30 seconds.

I have not had one of these in a while, but no matter how good life is, it is bound to happen. And the longer I hold the angst inside, the worse it will be when it comes out. And I want to be true to myself and my feelings. And it IS just past midnight and I’m awake with these god-damned thoughts so I might as well. 

First. I’m so fucking sick of politics. Nobody is going to change anybody’s mind so shut up and vote already and move along. We can’t change what happened four years ago and we can’t change what’s going to happen a few weeks from now. It’s bad enough that there are NO GOOD OPTIONS. As an American citizen I’m sick of having no good options. And it does not matter what happens anyway because the ship is too big and heavy to make any course correction that will matter to the individual citizen. Good grief. 
But that’s not what is keeping me from sleeping. 

Secondly. I just found out a few days ago that my final residency for my MFA will be  conducted in virtual format. I was given the option to defer last time, and crossed my fingers and eyes and held my breath but it did me no good. I could stomp my foot and cry about it but that would do me no good either. But it might make me feel better to stomp my foot and cry about it, so consider this pathetic paragraph my version of that. 
I get to graduate on Zoom. Fuck that. Just flipping forget about it already. I’ll just take that piece of paper that I spent 40K of my savings account on and disappear back into the fog of insignificance from whence I came. 
But that’s not what is keeping me from sleeping. 

Thirdly. It’s just past midnight and I’m awake writing this. And that sucks. I want desperately to get a good night sleep. I went to bed at 9:15, exhausted, and with high hopes of getting 8 full hours. When I woke at like 11:15 I thought it might be like 3 or 4 or 5am, but nope, it was 11.  I took some pill to help me get back to sleep, and that might kick in any minute now so if I start slurring my words, that’s why. Also my son was still awake and I was frustrated to find his light on and computer on as well. I’m being honest. I just don’t want to deal with it. 

I … just … don’t. But, yes, you guessed it. That is also not what is keeping me awake right now. Well right now it’s the typing keeping me awake but what was it at 11:20, 11:25, 11:30, 11:35, 11:40, 11:45 that was tossing in my head and preventing me from falling back asleep naturally? Stuff with the lit mag. 

Kate was right when she said it’s all work and that people suck. That is what I appreciate about Kate. It is that she is honest. And direct. And I question my own motives with starting this little project and I wonder how much I have in me to continue if it is going to be this way. What is THIS WAY?? 
“This way”, is constantly dealing with situations which give rise to angst in my chest. I just want everything to be smooth. For people to be pleased with their experience with “us”, and frankly, to not feel like I’m lying when I say I’m pleased with my own experience. I’m not sure it’s possible. Start-ups are hard. People are complicated. You can’t please everyone. And what makes all of this more difficult is that I have to rely on another person who, for whatever reason, doesn’t do what they say they are going to do and / or if they do, I’m not aware of it. 

We’re nine months in and it can’t be a fluke as it has happened too many times. The (now) classic volunteering to handle something and then just not doing it. I mean, maybe his is doing those things, but has learned by now (because I have asked countless times that he CC me on communications) that he tells me he will CC me, but then doesn’t. Then I’m stuck. I can’t send the communication because I don’t know if he has already done it. And I can’t let it go because it’s probably something that needs to be done. 
By the way, most communication is ineffective if not done in a timely fashion, so sitting on something for weeks and weeks makes everyone look bad. 

Take yesterday for example. We meet as planned at around 5PM and of the many things discussed, were three different agenda items which require communication. 1) Follow Up with potential script writing editors. 2) Follow up with a person who’s fiction stories we will be publishing with the next issue. 3) Inquiry with a different individual to see if they are interested in being a guest editor/ judge for a future contest we are planning. (Not to mention the countless other ideas we brainstormed about on how to increase the number of quality submissions we get). 

Set aside #3, because that can wait. Perhaps even #1 can wait another week with no ill repercussions. But #2?! That should have gone out Monday as far as I am concerned. So here we are Wednesday (tip-toes into Thursday) and he say’s he’ll do it but didn’t. “I’ll go home right now and do all those and CC you on them.” Direct efffffing quote. I want to trust him. I finish out my evening. I go to bed early, so hopeful, and then wake at 11:20 and check my email and there’s nothing new in my in-box. Grrrrrr. 

So that’s it. That’s what is at the heart of the matter and eating my brains. 
Hopefully the meds I took will put me back to sleep and I’ll wake with a clear head and have regained my composure. I hate that these things affect me so. I’ve even considered just trying to let it go, and let him be the kind of leader he wants to be and help where I can but go off and do my own thing. But that’s not really an option at this point. I’m too personally invested in this. Ugh!! 

I’m just tired. I’m just needing sleep. I’m just….  being honest. 
It’s now almost 1am and I need to get back in bed. Thanks for the therapy session.

Big Yawn,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-06-05 Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

But does it have to? I DONT TALK POLITICS. Don’t ask me to talk politics. If I’m in the room and the subject comes up, I get angry. I have anger that rises in me from some festering fissure deep inside. Why do I hate politics so?

It doesn’t matter what side you are on. It doesn’t matter what the context of the conversation is. I get twitchy and feel like I just have to keep my mouth shut or else the releasing of the beast will get me in trouble.

This next tangent is related, but you gotta get through it to understand my point..

A few days ago one of my newer co-workers, just a kid really, tells me he “hates” this other new guy on the team. In my head I’m like “whoa son”. Hate is a strong word. I’m not trying to minimize someone’s feelings but hate is extreme and powerful. I build my life and my communication skills on understanding the meaning of words, their gravity, their history, and their range. To me “hate” is not a word to be used lightly.

But, you know, I guess this is just my opinion. Or is it? Look at the world today and America and all the violence fueled by anger and hate.

Say, “you know, I don’t like that guy very much and when he does xyz it bothers me”. It’s passive sure, but it lets people know you truly mean the person no harm. That you just disagree with them in some way. See the difference.

But at 19 years old. Maybe there’s not been enough exposure to a wide range of experiences to define different levels of emotions. You love something, you hate something else. It’s all black and white and no soft middle.

Live another 25 years and the range of possibilities grows. It’s like starting out with a box of 8 crayons and through experience, graduation to a box of 64 (with a crayon sharpener in the back of the box). All the shades of blue and green and orange. Learn about burnt sienna and then let’s talk.

So I said to my co worker. “That’s a bummer. Let’s give him (the guy he “hates”) a little time to figure out the team and how best to integrate with the flow of the project.” I had to push down my instincts to give life advise. It’s not my place.

All this to get to the point where I say “I HATE President Trump”. Hate, hate, hate. I’m so angry I can’t stand myself. I’m so disappointed in America it makes me sick. And I’m not playing sides. I think I might hate Biden too. The jury is still out on that one.

I happen to have been on Facebook and Twitter quite a bit this week, keeping tabs on numbers for the new lit mag which is being advertised primarily through social media and word-of-mouth at this point.

In my newsfeed are advertisements against Trump from different camps and on one of them there was a button that said sign the petition now. petition for what I wondered? So I clicked a button to see where that would go. It basically says we have until midnight to voice our opinions about Donald Trump. And it was a Joe Biden hook. Probably just some program collecting information about names addresses phone numbers emails so that they can spam me with advertisements in the future.

What’s the deadline? What can we do? The answer is nothing. That’s a trap. I’m at “thumbs down” now, but inching toward worse feelings.

I’m sick that as an American citizen, these are my choices. I know about 25 people who would make better candidates. Real leaders with fantastic leadership qualities. People I trust. People who don’t just fire someone who doesn’t agree with them.

What power. any of you guys remember that Trump reality TV show where he brought in entrepreneurs and at the end of each episode he fired someone? He’s still on that reality TV show wielding that power firing people on a whim just because he doesn’t like what they said that day or did yesterday. He’s so corrupt and not intelligent in the way that he needs to be intelligent to run the country.

And as bad as that is, the part that feels way worse to me is that so many American people think that he’s just amazing. That blows my mind.

In the last presidential election I voted early because I was going to be out of town on Election Day. I was in Texas with my Austin peeps and even then, I felt like I was watching a reality tv show gone horribly wrong.

For the record, I didn’t care for Hillary either but she was the lesser of two evils in my mind.

It makes me wonder if anyone who gets to that level can get to that level without being corrupt. Is that saying true? Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Perhaps.

I said I don’t talk politics. I don’t like to. But I needed to get this out. There’s no answer. That’s a shitty place to be.

That’s it for today. I’ve got jobs to do.

At least it’s Friday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-31 I Typically Don’t Talk Politics But…

The State of the Union? I didn’t watch it. I don’t need to. It’s all gone to hell.

Last night a friend of mine on FB made a very good post after the speech. I liked it and commented on it. 👍🏻 Everyone knows that opens the magical FB door for future notifications for other people’s comments. So I was notified when someone also commented.. with an altering opinion.

This person, who is a complete stranger to me, commented “Rich People pay nearly 87% of all individual federal income tax in America”.

I typically don’t engage in political rhetoric on social media because there really is no reasoning with people. Truly. But it was 3AM and I was awake and I clicked on the link for the supporting article and after that, I was compelled to respond. What happened after that will not shock or amaze anyone. We exchanged several comments and, as predicted, neither of us is changing our opinion.

Here is the exchange…

Me: If you dig a little deeper and do some analysis on the actual wage, you would understand the reason for that. Those “rich” people can afford to pay the taxes. The people that are in that top 20% earn more than 60K a year. Look at the other percentages – it goes down really rapidly. The top 50% earn only 30K or above, which means, the bottom half, HALF of the country earn less than 30K a year. The 2015 poverty line for a family of 4 was 24K. That means almost HALF of American households are hovering around or below that poverty line. You can’t afford to live and support a household on 30K a year! The majority of the people in that bottom half are elderly, working poor, or low income. They don’t pay much in taxes because they can’t afford to. They need to eat and have shelter to survive! When is the last time you had to live on less than 30K a year??!
My main point is that anyone can find a statistic on the internet that supports their agenda, but show me one and I’ll show you five more that include real data that explain why that is. The page you linked is a really shallow article. ALL media is slanted to a specific direction.
Be educated and compassionate and try and understand why something is the way it is.
The problem isn’t that half the Americans aren’t paying taxes.. the problem is half the Americans can’t afford to. The gap between the rich and the poor is huge and the disappearing middle class is a serious problem for the economics of our country.

Complete Stranger: 60K a year isn’t rich! Just because someone is rich doesn’t mean they should be penalized for it. Everyone should kick in for the cost of government, but they don’t. If they did, they’d care more about waste and overhead. We shipped our middle class jobs to other countries. Hopefully, Trump can get some of them back.

Me: Paying taxes is not a penalty.. it’s part of the system that was set up when our country was founded. That is why we have a thing called a tax bracket. The less you earn, the less you pay.
I’ve been fortunate enough to have been in the top 10% of earners and I’ve paid my fair share. Last year when I submitted my application for healthcare, I qualified for Medicaid. I’ve paid into the system for 20+ years and so in MY hour of need, I expect the system to help me out. That is how it is supposed to work by design.
I’m not sure what epiphany you think people in poverty are supposed to have about waste and overhead? They struggle to make ends meet. They can’t afford to “kick-in”.
As for Trump doing anything to fix the middle class.. don’t hold your breath. That self serving ass-hat isn’t going to do anything that is not in HIS best interest.

Complete Stranger: Respectfully, you are mistaken. The federal income tax was enacted in 1913, and corporate income taxes were enacted slightly earlier, in 1909. The oldest tax is the estate tax that was enacted in 1797. Both were enacted to pay for the military.Our system of government was not founded to take care of people. It is supposed to enable people to live freely. It has been government’s interference in people’s lives that has led to yet more interference.If you were in the top 10% of U.S. earners, at least $133,445, you wouldn’t qualify for Medicaid. If you lost that job and now are on Medicaid, I hope you get another well-paying one, soon.
I’ve been paying into the system since before you were born and have never taken a dime from it. I’ve paid for my own insurance and when I was unemployed, went out and got two jobs.

Me: Thank you. I appreciate the educated clarification on when the tax system was set up. This is the kind of detail people should know.
Yes, in 2016 I was making a 6 figure salary that put me in the top 10 (not by the data from the same site you got your details from). I didn’t lose that job, I quit in 2017 because it wasn’t good for my health. I know I qualified for Medicaid because for 5 months my income was 0 and I was automatically enrolled based on my inquiry on covering myself through healthcare.gov, not because I asked for that. And yes, I have another job now and also haven’t taken a dime from the system..ever. I’m very fortunate.
You’re also fortunate to never have suffered enough to need aid. I know there are people who take advantage of the system, but 50% of America??! I don’t think so. The problem is not a People problem.. it’s a set of systemic problems. Government, corporations, and your top 5% control that and they, out of their own self interest, don’t want it to change.
I would like to see some positive movement from the current governing body, but it’s so convoluted with drama, I don’t think it’s possible.

***

That was the end of it as of half an hour ago.

I’m not sure if I will have the last word on the subject, but if there is further comment, I probably will not reply again. I’m over it. It just proves my point that debate over social media is silly. I’m not a big fan of social media anyway, but as a forum for public debate, especially about political matters, it’s deplorable. Still, it’s a free country and that IS what we pay taxes for so everyone is entitled to their opinion (whether they are wrong or not 😜).

It’s been a long day already and it’s not even 10AM and I’m ready for a nap!

For the Love of Rainbows and Ponies,
~Miss SugarCookie