2020-10-03 Thanks for the Reminder

It’s been a wild week. Lots of drama with the end of my time as an employee (at long last) and finally getting to pull the trigger on the first issue of The Good Life Review. It took till about 6PM yesterday before I entered into that corpse pose phase I’ve been talking about for a few days now.

After the social media frenzy of the morning I still had an initial meeting with a couple folks interested in hopping on our little GLR bus as script writing editors. Which went really well. Sometimes I think I lead better when I don’t have to accommodate my co-leader in the endeavor.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy and has the best intentions but I think I do better facilitating and operating without another person to defer to. I dunno, maybe I just secretly like to be in control and call all the shots.

In any case, he dipped on the meeting due to work issues (for the umpteenth tine) and so I flew solo talking to Jake and Joe. It was great! They are both enthusiastic about being on the team and so we are all systems go with adding (more) “drama” to the setlist of what we’re about. Yay!! 🤸🏼‍♀️

After that I started to slide into weekend mode. I’m talkin bout a REAL weekend without working or worrying about work. Without fretting about deadlines and what is next. Without any real responsibility aside from the things that should be a priority. Loving my people up and preparing meals and watching a few shows and enjoying a last swim of the season. Not to mention possibly sneaking away to be alone and spending some QT with a few books.

Reading books? What’s that like??!! 😜

I think I’ll get a fair bit of that tomorrow with my trip to participate in another “Shack Simple” with Jack. So today’s gonna be all about the Fam. And Jim. I mean, we’re still newlyweds after all.

Last night as we were retreating early to find a good nights sleep, I did one last scan of email (bad habit, I know) and read the subject of a spam email from Wedding Wire. A site I probably subscribed to when I was searching for a vendor or something during our wedding planning.

The subject said “Toasting to Eight Months.” And I looked at the calendar and was like, ha! Indeed it was our eight month anniversary and was completely overlooked by both of us (Thanks for the reminder wedding wire). That real life folks. I mentioned this to Jim who was also looking at his phone.

He said, that’s tomorrow right? We both laughed. He kissed me and said happy anniversary. Then we turned the last bedside lights off and both assumed our usual “fall asleep” positions. In the dark he says, “we can make out tomorrow.”

I said, “yup. Tomorrow.”

Yeah.. real life.

Now it’s tomorrow and we’re in the workout room. I’m doing that treadmill thing I do and he’s lifting with his son. After this I’ll make breakfast for us. Then we’ll see what else this responsibility-free Saturday has to offer.

On that note. My time is up.

Happy Caturday to All!
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!

Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-14 Monday Blues

It’s Monday. That’s not news. I’ve got 3 weeks left at my stupid job. That’s not news either, but it does make me feel like.. like.. it’s about good goddamned time.

Today I’ve been scheduled for back to back meetings for 4 hours. That’s not living. That’s having your life drained away. There’s so much more that needs doing.

Today I got up at 6:30 to cook breakfast for Jim before he went to work. Then I went back to bed. More because I was just not in the mood to chat or sit at the table staring at the monster pile of crap thats growing on our kitchen counter. I wasn’t ready to face this day with all of its demands. Like an unruly teenager whose never satisfied.

Our refrigerator is on its deathbed and I’ve slowly been migrating cheese and milk and eggs to an alternate location. There’s a fair bit that needs to be thrown out too. Then as the bins and shelves are emptied, it becomes apparent that it’s just sticky and crumby all over in there. How does that happen? Years of neglect in bachelor city I suppose. Spills and sloppy extraction evident all over. I can’t in good conscience let that go. So I take to it with a rag and the lavender scented multi-surface cleaner.

Somebody’s got to do it and I guess that somebody is now me.

I don’t have time for that. And the pile grows larger.

I tried to be smart about the start of my week, you know, going to the grocery on Sunday night. One less thing to do this morning. Until I go to cook breakfast and realize that I’ve forgotten something. Good gravy.

And the dishes need doing. And the recycling is taking over the garage. And the cleaning of the Solarium was left half finished. And the litter boxes need scooped. And did I mention that I was booked solid with work garbage starting at 11?

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I literally stood still in my kitchen for like 10 minutes, just paralyzed with uncertainty about what to do. I looked up at the temperature gauge which read 56 degrees and decided it was too cold out to drive to the store (The only vehicle here I can drive is a jeep which has no doors and no top right now).

I looked at my phone. And was reminded how much I miss my BAE with its small size that fits my hand and aggressive Bluetooth pairing. I checked my email and a little time was sliced off my day as I got sidetracked with a flash fiction story i found in my in-box. After reading that, I kinda wanted to just go back to bed with a book and just keep reading. But I can’t.

Not yet.

Three more weeks. Yup, about good goddamned time alright.

That’s it for this Monday folks.
Until next time.
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-14 No Good Way to End – Part 1

Yesterday I had almost 100% focus on moving my daughter into her dorm room. This morning, I am waking up without her in the house. I’m wondering if there are options for food open already on campus. Surely there are. I know that her dad and his fiancé are going to visit today and her plan is to have them take her shopping for this and that which we may have overlooked. Hopefully that includes food.

Yesterday I stayed mostly disconnected from work and it was a good test. I had a few questions folks asked over Slack which I was able to answer but ignored most of the “drama.” Drama being the gotta-have-this-right-now-or-all-is-lost attitude. It was nice to have a day off. I mean a real day off where I’m not expected to do anything. Funny how somehow all the expectations have gone up because of the pandemic.

A person is home, because what else is there to do. There is wifi. They are online. So they may as well be plugged into work and working ALL THE DAMN TIME.

It’s bad for a person like me who has the tendency to be a workaholic anyway. It’s hard to unplug. I find myself checking emails and slack right up to the minute I’m going to bed. And when everyone else on the team is online too, that does not help (plus most of them are on the west coast and working later also).

Anyway, yesterday I set myself to away on slack and did not tune in or chime in on any goings-on. By the end of the day a ton of messages had piled up and as I quickly scrolled through the mess, I found myself shrugging. I don’t think it will be that tough to disengage from the project or team and I really don’t think I will miss it.

Jim and I decided I would put my notice in Monday. Well, that was his idea anyway and I’m just going with it. Unless there is a good opening today. I’m not super ready for it in terms of what I am going to say though. The last time I had to quit a gig I wrote everything I wanted to say out. Not a formal letter, but a kind of monologue if you will. That was tricky because I wanted to quit my project but not necessarily quit the company. Who does that?

This time around, I’m OK if calling it quits means I am done/done. That’s the goal. There is a small part of me that thinks that if I allow them to keep me on the payroll and don’t truly “leave” then there will come a day when they reach back out to ask if I can step in and help again. I have to remember that.

That is how it starts. That is how it started with this project. It was the casual ask, “Help out as much as you want to.” And before I know it – BAM! I’m all in and can’t help but feel responsible and working all the time. Whatever.

I wrote that little bit on Friday morning and then the day truly got away from me and now it’s Saturday afternoon and I am back from my second trip to Lincoln this week (the first of many I am sure). I’m just feeling tired and uninspired.

What’s a girl to do? 🤔

Stuck Thinking,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-11 This!!

Life is good.

I mean I know it’s a pandemic and the world is going to shit but how bad can it be if I can get a sudden rush crave for Rusty Taco fried fish tacos and order online and have those tacos in front of my mouth in a matter of minutes?

Makes me sound like a spoiled princess but I was given the advice once to never apologize for my life. So… not sorry.

I’ve struggled to embrace the semi-charmed kind of life I’m living but those days are coming to a close. I’m all the way charmed now. And pretty soon now I’ll be ordering tacos from a tropical beach somewhere. I’m throwing my hands in the air like I just don’t care.

Cuz.. how long can this pandemic last? And there will always be drama. World drama. Drama on foreign soil. Suffering somewhere and suffering right here. Local uprisings and injustice. Life, as they say, is suffering. Stand up for what you can, when you can. Most importantly teach your children how to teach their children. That’s the only Way things will get better.

Wow. That went all really preach-y. Sorry guys. It happens. 🤷‍♀️

As one might guess I’m hopped up on coffee and high on the idea of quitting my job, so I feel like I have all the answers and can take on the world. I’ll admit, it’s a great feeling.

Gotta go put in some work hours. Counting down the days and hours!!

Peace, Love, and Tacos,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-10 It’s Definitely Time

I happen to have pulled some long days lately covering for my PM who was out with a serious emergency.

I happen to bust my ass and sacrifice quality time with my kids in these waning days of summer before school is back in session.

I happen to decide that enough is enough and begin planning for my exit from that scene.

I happen to rock that demo of the latest release of our software today despite technical difficulties. But still I shrug.

And finally.. I happen to be on a call with my bosses. A project review with the PM who is now back to work. And heard first hand when the news of the latest contract hit their in-boxes. And heard the sparkle in their eyes and quickening of their heart beats.

But my heart doesn’t keep that kind of time anymore. My heart was wandering the garden with the dahlias in full bloom and the pumpkins growing wild across a stockpile of firewood we’re saving for winter.

From where I was, so many paces away from the house. Wifi weakening with every step, I could barely make out the words that were ushered through. I could barely care.

It’s Monday and I think I’ve had enough (it’s only Monday and I’ve logged 11 hours already). This week the focus has to shift to other things. It has to. My son goes back to school (he’s a junior) and that could be crazy chaos with the covid still raging across the country. On Thursday I move my daughter into the dorm. Same story there with the uncertainty.

Not sure how these schools think they can successfully socially distance thousands of teenagers, but the economy and the country is demanding status quo so there you go. The almighty dollar really is a powerful beast that makes people do crazy things.

If I had my way, I’d just shut it all down for a year until there is a vaccine available for gen pop. Put Wall Street on hold. Hold all bill collecting from banks and crusty landlords alike. Use “stimulus” funds for essential services and to provide food and shelter for people in need. How hard would that be?

I dunno. I still want my baby to have a normal college dorm experience. I want her to be able to walk across campus in the bright sunshine of a crisp autumn day. I want my son to get his drivers permit and to give him some good lessons as the leaves begin to turn.

I’m torn about a lot of things, you know? But not feeling very torn about quitting anymore. It’s definitely time.

Time is all we have and time is always running out.

Good gravy, that’s enough.
Peace and Love,
Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-31 Adios July.. Don’t Let the Door Git Ya!

Remember all that I was saying yesterday about riding out the hormonal storm until the crashing waves calm down? Yeah, just effff that. It really is easy to talk logic than to put it into practice sometimes.

Listen. Yesterday was a bitch. Work sucked. And at the end of the day I was on the couch, half laying into a stack of pillows watching some YouTube video Jim was playing for me. It’s a guy playing like a really old guitar. We’re talking made in the 1600’s old. And I just started to cry.

Was it that a guitar that old could still exist? That it could still be played, strummed by human hands and make such beautiful music? The mystical mastery of fingers picking the strings. That ‘we’ are capable of crafting an instrument out of wood and strings. And compose music. It was beautiful.

I told Jim it made me cry. He said it makes him want to take guitar lessons. I told him it makes me feel like I’m wasting my life. He just laughed.

He reminded me I’m working hard on my art, and that’s a good thing. He’s right, damnit, but ugh… the stress of trying to do too much is, well, too much.

Today is Friday and the last day of July. It is the last day that’s the window for submissions for the first issue of the good life review will be open. And midnight tonight the window will be closed. At midnight tonight the clock is going to start ticking down for reading, copy editing, author agreements, and all things required to publish that first issue. It’s going to be a lot of work. I need to quit my job.

I have been working hard on my art. The new lit mag is just one of the balls I have thrown into the air and I am trying to figure out how to catch without it falling on my head and cracking my skull open.

I’ve been revising poems and attempting to attend workshops to learn some new things. I haven’t really written a ton of new stuff, but the few things that I have written in 2020 seem like good candidate to continue working on in the future. You know sometimes you get a vibe about a piece of writing. Sometimes there is something in the core of it that remains so strong that you know that even if it looks like garbage on the surface, there could still be a diamond hidden underneath.

Either that or I’m just too emotionally attached to these precious few new poems in my virtual poetry pile. Someone told me once to set aside a new poem for at least six months. Let the emotional attachment fade. Then when you revisit, you can see with a fresh perspective if there’s something worth working on.

I mean I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that, but it does help me justify procrastinating revising new material. 😜

One final thought before I adjourn this session. On this day in history (not sure what year) my parents were married. When I think about that.. I can’t help but realize that if they never met or got married, I would not exist. Or if I did exist I would be a different person completely. Wild!!

Anyhow. That’s it.
Cheers to Friday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-30 Thursday Status Update

According to my FitBit I’m supposed to be getting my period today. I mean, it’s not 8am, but it hasn’t happened yet. I put myself in a holding pattern waiting for that sweet release, which is typically followed by a leveling of my emotions— the amplitude of the wave hovers closer to the resting point.

I’ve learned to wait for it. I’ve learned that whatever it is that makes me want to scream or cry might be irrationally inflated by my hormones. It’s actually a lesson that I’ve tried to teach my kids as well. I mean, obviously my son doesn’t have a monthly cycle, but he does have teenage hormones which can wreck havoc on the emotions. I teach that we should try to be in tune with our bodies and recognize that we can be in control of our anger and sadness and yes, even excitement.

Practically speaking, this is one of those things that’s fairly easy to talk about and teach but a lot more difficult to do in practice. I still struggle. I always have to remind myself that whatever I’m feeling is influenced, at least a little, by my hormones. This is why I was waiting for another week before revisiting the question of whether or not I should quit my job. Just a few more days and I’ll be in tip-top condition to make a clear-headed decision.

Good Gawd, I make myself out like an irrational head-case. That’s really not how it is. I mean, it’s not a Jekyll and Hyde sort of thing. It’s just my wanting to not make any big decision with just a snap.

Frankly there’s also a lot of variables factoring into this equation that are outside of my control and could change at any moment. For example, if my sons school decides that the students will not be meeting in person at the school for instruction then I would almost certainly need to quit my job in order to ensure that he’s successful this year.

Last spring was a complete disaster. There is just not enough time in the day for me to work the amount of hours that are required by my job and also maintain the household and successfully manage the schooling of the children. Flat out not possible.

Pile on all the side projects and other things I want to do with my life. Pile on the lit mag, my reading and writing, exercise, and just enjoying life. Feels like a no-brainer. Still I wait.

The flip side is my lingering need for a safety net, the satisfaction I get from contributing to a project, and being a part of a team. All positives. But do the positives outweigh my need to reclaim the time I spend on work each week?

This week has actually been a good test. As it turns out my project manager has been absent all week due to emergency surgery on Monday. This has led to my needing to step up and take on some of her tasks as well as keep my own going. Needless to say I’ve put in a lot of hours this week already. Other things have suffered as a consequence. Stupid work ethic!!

Anyhow, today will be a repeat of yesterday and the day before that and of course I have to keep it up until my PM returns. And then how long after that? If the past is any indication, the forest fires will continue to pop up everywhere every week so I can’t count on some lull in the action being a good time to give my notice.

In other status update news we are a hot minute from the end of July. The end of July was my target for being free and clear of any drug that was a benzodiazepine. I’m not there yet. It’s an excruciatingly slow process and the side effects of withdrawal are not pretty. They say that everyone is affected differently so it’s hard to generalize what I am feeling as normal.

I have managed to Stabilize my dose and cut it to .25 mg per day at this point. It’s going to be difficult to cut those tiny little white pills into smaller doses so the next step is to begin skipping days completely. I did that successfully two days ago, but again the side effects are unpleasant.

Just another reason I probably shouldn’t make any rash decisions about my job until I’m finally clear of it. Maybe I can continue to do everything just fine if I can only get my health in check.🤷‍♀️

I think thats enough of a rambling update for today. I’m gonna use the few minutes I have left before starting work to actually take a shower. What a novel concept. It’s funny the things that a person can let go of it in a pandemic. Regular showers for example. Ha!!

Until Next Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-19 Wrestling with Impermanence

I’ve been putting some serious thought into quitting my job. I’m checking the calendar to make sure the current stirring isn’t coming from an emotional place. Or, if it is, it’s persistent and genuine. And I’m also holding steady where I’m at to see if, like many ideas, isn’t because of just where I stand with the company right now.

Could be residency this week. It’s so tough to toggle between two worlds. I recognize that the reason I don’t have time to focus more on that is because of my responsibilities as a wife and mother and employee. And I don’t want to sacrifice my time with my kids or Jim. And something has to give.

I suppose I’ve got a little inkling that writing through this today will help me decide what to do. That it will help me lay all the factors out, side by side, so I can come to some conclusion.

What a strange problem to have though right? I’ve been living my “new” life for about a year and a half and still it feels strange to me to be having this conversation with myself. I mean, the fact that quitting my job at all is an option. How weird. But there it is. Right in front of me.

Jim and I went on a day trip yesterday to visit the Ashfall Fossil Beds in Nebraska. Three hours out and back with a half hour at the actual site. It was fascinating to see a giant barn built around and excavation site. That we could know, through scientific methods, that the fossils being uncovered there are almost 12 million years old.

Feels like something you’d read in a fictional novel. Real dystopian like. All these animals gathered around a watering hole one day and then a cataclysmic natural disaster happens (the volcano in what is now Idaho) and within a few weeks everything is covered in ash and all the animals are dead. Right where they were.

There’s a baby rhino in position to succle from its mom. It was surreal to see such a collection. And to know it was 12 million years old blows m mind.

Life is so fragile and we don’t know what can happen tomorrow.

Last night Jim and I watched a documentary about the making of the atomic bomb. Human beings have gathered enough knowledge that we don’t even have to rely on a natural disaster. We’ve engineered the means for mass destruction without the help of Mother Nature or the volatility of the earth.

The heat from the test blast was so hot it disintegrated the tower that dropped the bomb and turned sand to glass for 800 meters around the detonation point. Hundreds of thousands of people were killed at Nagasaki and Hiroshima. No warning or chance to get away from the places they frequented for sustenance or for conversation or to nurse their newborn.

We are all temporary.

We are all subject to circumstances outside of our control.

If we had a choice to make more of every day, why would we not make that choice?

Why would I? What am I holding on to? What am I afraid of?

When the pandemic first hit, it was a relief to know we would still have income if Jim’s business had to close. But the possibility of that happening has been alleviated now. Now it’s mostly back to normal and even if it gets bad again, I doubt there will ever be a shut down at that level,

My company hired a new person. Someone to do my same job. My PM actually announced it by saying “she’s another Shyla”. Ohhh kay.

They expected me to want to go full time when I was done with school. I never once committed to that and now they are realizing they need someone in my position full time. She starts today. I’m responsible for part of her onboarding. We have a meeting first thing today (PST). Goodie.

Nothing like tiny little pin pricks, the way that that is. I can’t do full time so I’m being replaced. Maybe it would be better if I saw the positive side of this. It’s a gift that I can be replaced so easily and I don’t have to feel guilty for backing out of any perceived commitment. The question morphs from “should I quit” to “when”. Still, the pin pricks don’t go away.

Wherever I am, whatever I’m doing. It’s just temporary

Quitting is never easy.

I just don’t know. I suppose I’ll simmer with these thoughts a little longer. Set a deadline. Give it a week.

Let’s see how this week goes.

That’s all I’ve got today. It’s enough.

Breathing deeply,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-05-23 Laundry Day 🐱

Yesterday was the worst day I’ve had in a long time. I was on such an emotional edge almost all day and barely made it through all the things I had to do.

I participated in an early meeting with a client in which my only responsibility was to take notes and have my brain on to ask intelligent questions. I had no intelligent questions and spent most of the meeting with my head down on the desk. It’s a good thing that everything is Zoom and with the customer it’s audio only.

To be honest, I’m all Zoomed out.

The second meeting was out daily internal team meeting. I said “fuck it” nobody reads these notes anyhow so I didn’t take notes. I mean, I like having the notes because Confluence makes it easy to search for stuff and when people ask about a certain thing, it makes me seem like a damn genius because I have the answer in like a minute.

Again, had my head down listening to the same broken record conversation as every day and thinking about Z and C and how effed up things are right now, I wept. I literally put myself on mute and fought really hard to keep myself together but then let go.

I was also getting FB instant messenger notifications on my phone from my writing group and one of my friends was going through the loss of a pet and I knew that’s what it was about and it just hurts me to think of her hurting and to remember loosing Louie Louie. My sweet first pet as an adult. It was just all too much.

I took some time in the afternoon to get some more of my annuals in pots before the rain came and then it was back inside for my third meeting of the day… sprint retrospective.

This time I was up front about not taking notes. I told the PM before hand that I was having a tough day and didn’t feel like the internal notes for this wasn’t really necessary. Which was self-serving, but whatever.

This time I had more to say so I had to pay attention for my opportunities. The project is on two week sprints and the devs have established a bad pattern of not getting their tickets done. They are supposed to do their work, internal code reviews with each other and then merge all the code changes into the dev branch where KK and I can log in and do QA testing. The tickets can’t be closed until we QA them. So if they wait until the last day of the sprint (or even worse, the weekend after), KK and I are stuck testing on the weekend. That fucking sucks!

She’s the PM and responsible for steering the ship and helping correct that behavior, but there was some serious push back and discussion. If it does not change with the next sprint (after which we release a new version to the customer), it’s going to murder us. I know it’s going to happen again and that makes me want to cry too.

Last time we released to the customer we went into Friday with so much broken it was sickening. We worked our asses off all weekend. Our bosses bought us lunch on Sunday and the week after I received flowers from the company.

To that I say, that’s nice.. and thoughtful, and appreciated, but it doesn’t make up for the lost time with family or the anxiety that affects my health. If I’m burned out or dead, I’ll be useless to the project. It’s disturbing.

What did I not have to do?

I basically ducked out of three different personal meetups yesterday. Virtual happy hour with my company and I was so wrecked that was the last thing I wanted to do. Another one on one with a friend who I’ve been trying to connect with for a while and I just reached out to her to reschedule. And a third meetup with Josh who wanted to meet in person and I just wasn’t in the mood for dealing with the anxiety of that, nor did I feel like getting in my car to drive to meet him. You know, putting real clothes on and trying to make it look like I hadn’t been crying all morning.

So that’s me venting. And I let go last night and drank a bunch and Jim and I had a good night of saying “fuck it” to everything. We got take out. We talked all evening and I have no idea what time we stumbled to the bedroom.

Today I’m not doing any laundry, except maybe airing this dirty nonsense.

I’ve got work to do. I’ve got lit mag stuff to do. And Z Is coming back home so we can hang out more just the two of us.

My aim? Balance and restoration.

That’s it. Thanks for reading.
Happy Caturday,
~Miss SugarCookie