2021-11-17 Hello Austin.. Ohhh, How I’ve Missed You

If I would have posted what I wrote yesterday, the title might have been “Miss SugarCookie is On the Move Again” or “Austin Adventure Day 0” or maybe “Seven Reminders Why I Hate Air Travel” but I only wrote a handful of sentence that had nothing to do with traveling or my trip and then my headache and frame of mind prevented me from writing anything else. 

Today I am waking up in a familiar bed in a familiar place that is my home away from home. At long last, I have finally returned to Austin and am extremely ready for some great R & R and QT with my Texas bestie. 

Part of the problem in trying to get here (both mentally and physically) is letting go of my responsibilities at home. Yesterday was a doozie and I want to leave the past in the past. Sometimes I go on and on about how my new job as a housewife is actually more work than my old job as an IT engineer but that is because it is often true. But, being a housewife and SAHM are not my only gigs now and getting the latest issue of my lit mag up on the site was part of the full court press I’m trying to let go of now. 

I’ve just now sent a few follow-up emails and once I scrawl some tasks I don’t want to forget down in my planner, I will be free from all that at least for a few days. I’m excited to turn my attention to other things. More specifically–enjoying conversations with my friend and doing all the fun things she has planned for our mutual “vacation.”

Today will be walking, and tennis, and meeting some other folks out for a good meal. I’m looking forward to catching up but also to THIS. Which is laying in bed past 8am, not being needed to cook or clean or scoop litter boxes, and having the time to write from my laptop instead of multitasking from my treadmill. Don’t get me wrong, I love my treadmill but sometimes it is nice to just sit and write without feeling like I should also be doing something else productive to maximize my time. 

On that note, it sounds like my friend is home from taking her kids to school and I should probably go downstairs and say Hi. 

Time to truly let go and get into the zone. The home-away-from-home zone.


~Miss SugarCookie

2021-11-08 Just Another Lustless Monday…

Welcome to Monday. This morning while my husband was eating the breakfast I cooked him, he asked what my plans were for the day. Just a casual question that might start a conversation if I had some unexpected answer or something I was planning that I’d forgotten to mention previously. I don’t.

It’s Monday so I’m grocery shopping, doing dishes, scooping litter boxes, finishing the laundry I started over the weekend, and mailing that utility bill he left for me on the counter. “The usual” I say. 

That’s it. That’s my life now and that’s part of what’s got me down. I’m not cut out to be a housewife. It’s boring and so very unfulfilling. But what can I do?

I had to quit my job because doing that and trying to manage this beast of a house was too much for me. I was failing at both. So I quit.

Then I failed at just being a housekeeper because toilets. Now we have a cleaning service that comes every two weeks. That’s glorious, I’ll admit. If my world was turned upside down tomorrow and I no longer had Jim to rely on, I’d have a hard time not having that. I’d be reworking my old budget to fit it in for sure.

Then again, I wouldn’t have this giant castle to clean. Nine toilets. Nope. I’d buy a tiny house in a quiet neighborhood with one toilet and probably go back to living very close to the way I was before I met Jim, but with more cats.

Whatever I would do, it would not include picking up a high stress job in healthcare IT. I wonder what else I could do? Something that would pay just enough. I wonder why this daydream I’m having right now feels very enticing? 

I have a wonderful life with a wonderful man and I never have to worry about finances or cleaning toilets ever again. What is wrong with me?

Continuing the breakfast conversation that we were having, while he eats and I scramble around the kitchen doing dishes and cleaning counters, he asks me to run a check over to our investment firm. 

“Sure thing,” I say. And I’m reminded of that essay I wrote about the day I had to go there to sign our 2020 taxes. I’m emotionally attached to that essay and it’s one of a very few I’ve worked on enough to feel confident enough about it to submit to a few places. It’s been rejected by everyone so far of course.

I say “of course” like it’s a foregone conclusion. Yeah, that’s what getting rejections 95% of the time does to a person. I’ve lost confidence in just about everything I’ve written in the last year, which is actually not much to start with. 

I held true to the notion that I could find the right home for all my writing IF the writing was solid. So when the rejections roll in, I jump to the conclusion that it’s the writing and not the place or the tastes of the people rejecting me. Still I keep trying different places like a glutton for punishment with an addiction to the process. 

Now that I have a maid and only have a few hours of chores every day, what else am I going to do with my time? The lit mag, meetups with people, exercise? That’s all great, but it’s just not enough some how.

Then I feel like I’m being spoiled and greedy. Then I feel like I’m a bad person for feeling like that. Good grief. 

In the good old days I might try to write a poem about the way that I’m feeling but damn I just don’t want to. Or I don’t have it in me. And that’s bothersome too. 

I used to write dozens of crappy poems and it made me feel better about whatever it was I was thinking and I didn’t care that they were crappy or I didn’t know that they were crappy so I guess that old saying is true. Ignorance is bliss.

Now I know too much, and some cockeyed notion about being a published author got cemented into my brain. Do I need that? Do I want that? Is it going to fulfill me in someway to see that book on a bookshelf somewhere, or the bookshelf in my closet? I guess I won’t know the answer to that until it happens. 

And when will that be? Five more months. That’s how long I have to wait until that book becomes a reality. Until I can hold a physical copy of it in my hot little hands. It’s already been a horribly long wait. 

Truth is, I’m done with the waiting. I’ve already turned my attention to the next thing. Getting my daily submission fix and feeding my obsession to have all my poems out in the world somewhere. And lately that’s escalated to pulling together another book (three actually). 

That’s right, I’ve re-tooled my full MFA manuscript AND compiled two additional chapbooks. I finished the shorter two books this weekend and feel satisfied enough with the result to send to publishers. The longer book will be done this week. Just in time for a few November deadlines AND my trip to Austin. 

After that, I’m going cold turkey with all of it. So help me, I swear to the Universe imma be DONE DONE. 

Then what? Who knows. The Universe only, I suppose. Maybe I’ll get a job stocking shelves at Target.

On that note, my time’s up today. The groceries aren’t going to get themselves. 😜

Peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-03-01 Welcome to New Beginnings…

Where was I at again? A new week? A new month? A fresh start? Oh yeah.. that. 

So far so good and pretty soon now both my kids will be home and all will be right with the world again. 

It was 2:45PM before I looked at what I was supposed to do today according to the almighty to-do list and no surprise that not a single one of those things has been done. I’m still working on my Sunday list and progress is slow. 

I also forgot about all my new metrics for the day.. sort of on purpose to see how I do naturally. I did go to bed “on time” last night so if all else fails, at least I have that. 

My whole day today has been a fast moving train of dirty dishes, grocery shopping, and really just putting away all the random things that end up all over the house in the wrong places. How can all that take 4 hours? Well.. let’s just say it can. But I’m not complaining, just saying that’s my job now. 

Something inside of me is still defending my decision to quit my “career” job to take care of my family and myself. Something inside me feels inadequate because I’m not making any money. I’ve been conditioned by society to equate my self worth with how much money I make and I’m here today to say that it’s a hard feeling to shake. 

It doesn’t matter how much I am able to help my kids, how much blood I donate to the Red Cross, how much time I spend “volunteering” for the lit mag, or how much I’m able to get done at the house. It just doesn’t. I still feel like I’m not doing enough.. and that’s fucked up. 


Well.. I did get my walking in but darling daughter came home from work and most of my treadmill time was spent catching up with her. 

I’ve got more to say, but there’s always tomorrow. 

Beginning at the Beginning Again and Again,

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-02-05 Where’s Monday When You Need It?

After having slept for only 4 hours the previous night, I could not stay awake past 9pm last night. My sleep was unfortunately once again riddled with tossing and turning and congestion. At 4:30 this AM I gave up and got up (again). Sound familiar?

Despite that nonsense, I was in good spirits and looking forward to today. It only took all week to get to a point where it feels like all the mischief has been managed. Still.. I’m not ready for the weekend. At this point I’d like to have a few more weekdays with everyone else at school and work so I can continue to get stuff done without interruptions. While I love my peeps, they can sometimes be needy and nobody seems to care if the timing of their requests conflict with my own plans. Such is the life of a housewife I guess. 

I remember a conversation around a kitchen table with my then soon-to-be husband’s father who made a comment about my new job as a housewife. I remember how rubbed the wrong way I felt about the use of that term. It felt like an insult somehow. I’m not sure if it’s because the term is somewhat antiquated or perhaps that it implied a less important role. I’ve always been the head of the household, just not used to stepping into a role that’s primarily supportive. 

I’m still struggling with the transition. In some ways I’m happy to have more time to cook and clean, but in other ways this perception that it’s not as important still get to me. And the fact that my own personal endeavors can only get attention once my “primary” duties are taken care of is frustrating. 

This gets at the heart of what some of what’s been bothering me lately. Jim says he wants me to dedicate time each day to my writing but that does not jive with the amount of other things that need to be done. I mean, it’s one thing to say something supportive like that but when the rubber hits the road (and days and weeks pass with zero time spent on writing) it’s clear the words don’t match reality. 

Some of it is on me, for sure. I take on too much and literally filled the full time space I was spending at a regular day job with work on the lit mag before I even quit my job. I quit my job to relieve stress and have more time but somehow that extra time just evaporates each week. 

This week has been a particularly taxing week when it comes to the lit mag. We’re nearing the end of the current reading period and decisions need to made and there was a team meeting along with other intense conversations about how to do better with our mission. It’s all good, just taking a big chunk of time to be completely engaged and a bigger chunk of time to sort through my own thoughts and feelings. 

It’s all good, just time consuming and each day when the “work” day is over (like 3pm) I have to switch gears. Last night it was a provider meeting for Jim that was hosted at our house. That took all I had for about 4 straight hours. And I was exhausted! Then at 8pm, just as I sat down on the couch, my daughter comes down the stairs and asks (expects) me to cook her dinner. I wanted to scream. 

But it’s not her fault. I’m happy to cook. I like to. I was just so tired. I should have asked her to do it herself but I already carry so much guilt for saying no to so many things over the years. So many sacrifices because of my job and needing that stupid paycheck. “Sorry darlin, I cant right now because I have a meeting.” 

So I cooked. Then I sat with her while she ate. Then I went to bed. Like I said, 9pm. Such is life. 


It’s almost 9am now. I wrote most of that before 7am. Then I paused so I could wake the house and fix breakfast and get my son to school. 

I want to got my step goal now and beyond that, the only thing I can think of is going back to bed. I have so much to do but I’m trying very hard to sort out what needs done immediately and what can wait. My exhaustion is leading me to believe that everything can wait. Can that be right? 


On that note, I’m going to call it quits (For now? For the day? For the week?) who knows. 🤷‍♀️ 

With peace and love, 

~Miss SugarCookie

2021-01-18 Happy Blog-A-Versary!! 💃💃🎉

2017-01-15 –> Now. Four years (+ a few days).. Yo!.. That’s a good freaking run!! 

(Spoiler Alert, this recap could get long. If stats are your thing and you want to skip the drunk trainwreck intro, scroll to the end, but don’t forget to click “like” before you leave. 😉)

In January 2017 I decided to start posting my personal journey online. I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t put a ton of thought into aesthetics, format, or the best way to approach doing what I wanted to do. Honestly, I didn’t even know what I wanted, or expected outside of wanted to find a way to live a happier, healthier life. 

If a person had asked me then what I thought would become of Miss SugarCookie in 4 years, I would not have had an answer. I wouldn’t have a clue. And there’s no possible way I could predict most of what has come to pass. 

Most of the time when I write, I’m writing in the moment. I’m writing for today. I’m writing for an audience of one. I’m trying to sort through what I’m thinking about and how I feel. I try to steer clear of hashing through old news that doesn’t concern me anymore. Most of the time, I try to do that. But sometimes, like now, it’s good to reflect. And it’s really good to see how far I’ve come. 

In January 2017 I was still very fresh off the end of my “big love” relationship. I was broken and closed and unhealthy, both mentally and physically. I was killing myself for a job that was never going to give me what I needed from life besides a paycheck. I was lost and confused and, after returning from my sister’s destination wedding in Mexico, I knew something had to change. 

I spent every other night in Mexico drinking until I couldn’t walk straight. I spent mornings after with blinds drawn, unable to eat any of the “all-inclusive” food that was available 24-7. One night I ended up stumbling drunk, laying on the grass next to the cart path that led to my single-occupancy room, sobbing. I begged the Universe for someone, anyone, to find me and want to help. I just wanted another human being, even if it was a complete stranger to care about my well being. 

I felt so alone. 

Other nights on that trip I wrote and tried to be social with the other 50 people who made the trip for my sister. I’m fairly certain there wasn’t another single person among them, besides my first cousin who I’ve never been close to and who (apparently) didn’t have trouble finding companionship on that trip. I wasn’t interested in a hookup though. I just wanted someone to talk to. 

I drunk texted people on FB messenger or iMessage from my room where there was WiFi. I don’t remember who, probably Josh and HL. I probably made confessions. I probably fell asleep mid-text. I had to write a maid-of-honor speech and sobered up to do that. 

I did a lot of wandering around the resort. I did an incredible amount of thinking. It’s probably then when the idea for posting my thoughts online came to me. I really don’t remember but it seems highly likely. 

Back in Nebraska a few short weeks later I was re-booting Miss SugarCookie who made her original debut in 2014 on Tumblr. But I’d become a solid WordPress fan and recognized the appeal of a versatile platform that was, at the time, the front runner for personal blogs (IMHO). 

I still remember one of my first posts, “The Riddle of the Middle” where I thought through the problem of starting something new, like I was, in the middle of the story. So much history, where does one begin to make it all make sense? The answer is.. to just begin. 

Eventually all the backstory would be  revealed organically. I know that now, but didn’t then. So many things I know now that I didn’t know then. 

And, as I said, could never have predicted what would change in the 4 years to follow. 

I learned along the way my “big love” had started seeing someone new a hot minute after our 3rd and final breakup. That helped me put a nail in the coffin of my hope for a reconciliation. 

I entertained a friends with benefits relationship with a good friend. It was both helpful and hurtful I’m a way. 

I quit my fucking job of course, by the following summer and elected to use my savings to take a six month sabbatical. One of the best decisions of my life! 

In those 6 months I began eating healthier and working out more. I traveled with and without my kids and had some amazing adventures. It was during our trip to the Pacific Northwest that I decided to get more education for my passion, writing poetry. 

By then, I was already well on my way to writing from a treadmill or elliptical machine each day. Wait… did I really write from an elliptical machine? I could not possibly have done that as I’m not that coordinated. I must be remembering that wrong. 

In any case, I do remember clear as the clearest day being in an exercise room at the holiday inn express by the Portland airport when I decided to apply for an MFA program. 

The beauty of this is.. I don’t have to remember because it’s verifiably in the archives of this blog. That’s some bonafide bonus-plan shit! 

I also started dating again during that sabbatical. Hello Bumble! There was a string of posts about my dating experiences (the good, the bad, and the seriously ugly) and navigating new territory. I’m probably going to struggle here. 

-Blog Intermission- I was going to go into a ramble calling out every made up name for every noteworthy person I went out with. Then I checked it and decided not to wreck it. So NOT going to go off on that major tangent. -End Blog Intermission-

Fast forward 5 or 6 or 8 months to March 2018. That’s when I said “Buh-bye” to Bumble. And good riddance. Dating sucks unless you’re dating someone you know you have a future with (at least that’s how I feel about it). 

Of course I’m talking about dating Jim and falling in love with Jim and being proposed to on my birthday in August of 2018. If you’re dating THAT person, dating is amazing! 

We went on dates, road trips, full-fledged vacations, and planned to “merge” our two households in early 2019. Of all the things.. this turn of events in my life was the least expected. And it happened so, so fast (based on the pace of my last long term). 

In 2018 I came off my sabbatical and took a job with a company learning a bunch of new stuff, which was great but fairly unpredictable as far as number of hours per week goes and, like most places, they would take all they could get. 

In 2019 the kids and I moved in with Jim and his boys and life just would not slow down for anything. I had work, the kids, Jim, the house, and school to take care of. Not to mention all my other relationships with family and friends. I was overcommitted for sure and by summer I was throwing my hands up and requesting to leave the work project I was on. 

I think my employer knew I was right on with my assessments about the project and let me bow out gracefully to bring a more skilled SQL person to work on the ETL. That fall was fantastic as I had time to work on my writing, MFA, and take care of my home and family (and also plan a wedding). 

By the time 2020 arrived, the wedding became the top priority and it’s the kind of thing that takes over your life for a while. Thank goodness we married as early in the year as we did (02/02/2020) because chaos in the world was about to take over. And so it did. 

I still finished my last semester, had a honeymoon, and began working again. Two of those three were fantastic. Can you guess which one wasn’t? 

By late August I put in my notice at work. This time I was going to be done-done with no option for accepting future contracts. Another great decision. 

I would be remiss if I didn’t nod to 2020 as a train wreck of a year for many other reasons. Still, despite that, I finished my MFA, had a few road trips, managed to get my darling daughter off to an OK start for her freshman year, and oh, by the way, set my sights on starting a new online literary publication. Which I did. Obvi with lots of help from some great peeps. 

Yeah. That’s another thing that I could not have imagined 4 years ago. Little Miss SugarCookie Starting and managing a lit mag. Wild!! 

So today’s the day!! 4 years (and counting). AND.. This post would not be complete if I did not end it in classic Miss SugarCookie style.. with the rest of the stats:

1460 Days
1143 Posts
8336 Visitors
6296 Likes and

That’s fantastic! This quick look back has been refreshing for me. Quite rejuvenating actually. Were there bumps in the road? Yes, but I feel like I am on the right track now and look forward to the future. Only time will tell what can happen in the next four years. On that note, I’m just going to keep riding this wave as long as I’m able. 

Cheers to Four Years..
Love Ya’ll Bunches and Bunches! 
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-14 Doing the Math ➖➗➕

Broke my streak yesterday. Worked on my workshop submission both fine tuning the lines and deciding which poems were worthy of such rare attention. It’s really a confidence game at this point.  I was tired and had an unusual day that went astray from my normal routine.

With my dauber down, not a poem in the bunch felt good enough. Might have possibly been the three rejections that I had received in the previous 24 hours. Yes, three. I dunno. I don’t need them chumps anyhow.

It wasn’t until I ingested a healthy amount of caffeine that I started to feel better, and more like editing. I swear caffeine sometimes has magical properties.

Right about 5pm the  poems started to appear viable, even good. And I kept editing through the evening into the next day until I was satisfied, putting them aside only to eat and hang out with Jim and the kids, and sleep. Though I did not get much sleep again.

I was up In the library with my laptop at 5:30am. By 1:30 Friday I did the final math and the conclusion was that they were as done as they were going to be. I proceeded to download and submit to our MFA program coordinator.  ✅

The trick now is to forget about it. It’s out of my hands now anyway so no reason to keep thinking about it. I need to learn to do that with a lot of things. I’m sure it’s the reason I can’t go back to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Later Friday I picked up some CBD drops that are supposed to help with that—getting a more restful sleep by helping the mind relax. Last night was the first trial and the math on it isn’t very conclusive. One point of data does not make a point. You need more points of data to draw a line that leads to a conclusion. Tomorrow there will for sure be some more math about that. I had half a dropper and might up to a full ml tonight. We’ll see.

Last night I also had. a virtual HH with a friend in San Diego. She was also the PM on my last project with the company I quit in September. We were friends from way back and before we both signed on at that company. She just started this year but has made quick work being elevated among leadership. She was promoted to my boss (without anyone letting me know) as a part of her engagement plan.

Of course I’m happy for her but it has made me privy to some info that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She’s told me things in confidence and I can’t I know these things. So when she initiated a conversation about me coming back for part time work, I had to try very hard to listen and find positive things to say.

The truth is, she gave me a heads up she was going to ask so I had already done the math. I started with the X amount of dollars I was making an hour before. Which has not been increased after 2 years at the company. I’m not factoring in my excellent performance and dedication. I’m only positing that at the very least I should have had a 4% increase both years for inflation. That brings me to the lowball figure that would be an insult.

Now consider that I’m an employee that does not need benefits. So the company isn’t out of their own pocket for 401k or healthcare or life insurance on my behalf.

Now add the value factor. This is subjective, but if I’m as awesome as they always tell me I am, then why would they not come with a solid number. When it came to that part of the discussion she basically said that she could not remember our previous conversation but whatever it was I asked for, they could do that.

Listen, people, I DO remember that conversation as it was important to me. My life and my livelihood. And to say you don’t remember means it wasn’t that important. The status of our relationship aside, that hurts. Of course, when we had that conversation I didn’t ask for enough which I regretted. But herein lies the rub..

IT DOES NOT MATTER anymore. Say it was X * 16%. So what? That’s not enough. X * 50% is not enough. X * 861% is not enough.

Because can’t put a price on time.
Time is priceless. 

I told her I’d have to think about it and talk to Jim. She pressed me for a timeframe and I promised her by Monday.

I don’t need to think about it anymore except whether or not to be open and direct about my reasons. About the way I feel. And the mistakes I feel have been made. But then I have to ask myself, does that matter either? The conclusion?

THAT DOES NOT MATTER either. In the grand scheme, my feelings don’t matter. That folks, is a solid reality of life.

Your feelings matter to you. And they should matter to the people you hold near and dear, but outside that circle, no one else is going to care.

That’s why we need to be good to our circles of love and friendship. And to ourselves.

One of the poems I found enough merit in to edit further and submit to workshop is called “A Love Letter for Today.” I’m not typically inclined toward love poems, so this one feels important. Special. A good little poem.

Time to turn my attention elsewhere.
Where, I dunno.

Add It Up,
~Miss SugarCookie


2020-11-10 Freezing Rain, Memory, and Poetry

A freezing rain greets me as I accompany the trash carts to the end of the driveway. It tears my attention away from what I don’t remember. It feels good to feel the rain on my skin and how it forces me to move faster, look forward to being back inside, strip down to dry.

Yesterday I wrote a poem. I can count on two hands the number of poems I’ve written this year. A sad story compared to the sixty I wrote last year. Years from now when I look back on this moment, what will I think?

Not about the rain, or daylight savings ruining my morning drive, or how responsible my daughter is on this day.. her first at an office job. Or all these thoughts and steps and words. Or the numbers on a scale. Please, let it not be the numbers.

If I were patient and kind I might find that what I remember is how we held on tight to each other in 2020 when the world pressed down on us, compressing our lives softening boundaries, making them more easily punctured.

Maybe I won’t remember anything about today other than the fact that it was wholly unremarkable next to all the other unremarkable days. Which is why I need to be here, in this moment today, and just enjoy the rain.

Yesterday the week was kicked off with a good start. I felt fairly productive and In a fair mood. Today I’m hoping to keep things  fair and balanced. I’d love to write another poem, that felt great. Of course I’ve got a full set list of chores and work I’d like to get through. Though having made my list on Sunday I can’t recall at the moment what’s on the agenda for today.

Two poems in my in-box each morning bring me something old and something new which are, more or less, mirrors of each other. The language and rhetoric of 2020 run together until they can’t be separated. It gives me a good sense of what is currently sought after. Unfortunately it’s not what I currently have to offer. Which only means I have more work to do.

When I mention work now, that’s what I mean. I’m more than a month out of the old kind of work. The kind my daughter just started at today. The scheduled hours, direct deposits, and doing something for someone else instead of yourself. It’s not that I don’t believe in that life, but now rather i start to come to terms with its Reason and value.

I’m now one month in with doing things for myself and my loved ones. It’s definitely a better life. I don’t miss “work” like some people said I would and am approaching the answer to that question.
You know the one I hated for years. “So what do you do?”

Instead of the monotone explanation of my job which leaves trails of glassed over eyes in my wake at parties, I can begin to describe how I work at being a better writer.

I can imagine the new scene at parties, the question, the chuckle, the follow up Sarcastic question, “how much does THAT pay?”

Me: It’s priceless.

Mic drop and walk away.

I’m currently studying the life and poetry of Adrienne Rich. She’s going to be one of the main persons discussed as a part of the lecture I’m giving during residency in December. As an added bonus, she’s a stellar role model for breaking out of a mould. I suppose that’s what makes her such a great candidate for my lecture.

When I wrote my craft paper in 3rd semester, the topic was the journey of the poetic voice but the paper was really focused more on the qualities of voice without a lot of definitive evidence about the actual journey in question. To be sure 3 out of the 4 poets I studied we’re not good candidates as they were still mostly at the beginning. Creeley was the only one that had lived his whole life where the body of work could be analyzed in full context of the events of his life and the world.

As I was only scratching the surface with that paper, I now must put in more work to learn what my lecture has to teach me. If I’m to be the expert, which is the expectation, then I’d better get down to business. I’m close to letting go of using anything from Creely or Merwin as I think focusing on female poets is key to getting me to a more impactful conclusion.

I’ve more to say on this topic, but I need to get on with my day. I’m definitely getting into the right zone though. Cheers to that.

And Cheers to Living in the Moment,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-03 Thanks for the Reminder

It’s been a wild week. Lots of drama with the end of my time as an employee (at long last) and finally getting to pull the trigger on the first issue of The Good Life Review. It took till about 6PM yesterday before I entered into that corpse pose phase I’ve been talking about for a few days now.

After the social media frenzy of the morning I still had an initial meeting with a couple folks interested in hopping on our little GLR bus as script writing editors. Which went really well. Sometimes I think I lead better when I don’t have to accommodate my co-leader in the endeavor.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy and has the best intentions but I think I do better facilitating and operating without another person to defer to. I dunno, maybe I just secretly like to be in control and call all the shots.

In any case, he dipped on the meeting due to work issues (for the umpteenth tine) and so I flew solo talking to Jake and Joe. It was great! They are both enthusiastic about being on the team and so we are all systems go with adding (more) “drama” to the setlist of what we’re about. Yay!! 🤸🏼‍♀️

After that I started to slide into weekend mode. I’m talkin bout a REAL weekend without working or worrying about work. Without fretting about deadlines and what is next. Without any real responsibility aside from the things that should be a priority. Loving my people up and preparing meals and watching a few shows and enjoying a last swim of the season. Not to mention possibly sneaking away to be alone and spending some QT with a few books.

Reading books? What’s that like??!! 😜

I think I’ll get a fair bit of that tomorrow with my trip to participate in another “Shack Simple” with Jack. So today’s gonna be all about the Fam. And Jim. I mean, we’re still newlyweds after all.

Last night as we were retreating early to find a good nights sleep, I did one last scan of email (bad habit, I know) and read the subject of a spam email from Wedding Wire. A site I probably subscribed to when I was searching for a vendor or something during our wedding planning.

The subject said “Toasting to Eight Months.” And I looked at the calendar and was like, ha! Indeed it was our eight month anniversary and was completely overlooked by both of us (Thanks for the reminder wedding wire). That real life folks. I mentioned this to Jim who was also looking at his phone.

He said, that’s tomorrow right? We both laughed. He kissed me and said happy anniversary. Then we turned the last bedside lights off and both assumed our usual “fall asleep” positions. In the dark he says, “we can make out tomorrow.”

I said, “yup. Tomorrow.”

Yeah.. real life.

Now it’s tomorrow and we’re in the workout room. I’m doing that treadmill thing I do and he’s lifting with his son. After this I’ll make breakfast for us. Then we’ll see what else this responsibility-free Saturday has to offer.

On that note. My time is up.

Happy Caturday to All!
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!

Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-14 Monday Blues

It’s Monday. That’s not news. I’ve got 3 weeks left at my stupid job. That’s not news either, but it does make me feel like.. like.. it’s about good goddamned time.

Today I’ve been scheduled for back to back meetings for 4 hours. That’s not living. That’s having your life drained away. There’s so much more that needs doing.

Today I got up at 6:30 to cook breakfast for Jim before he went to work. Then I went back to bed. More because I was just not in the mood to chat or sit at the table staring at the monster pile of crap thats growing on our kitchen counter. I wasn’t ready to face this day with all of its demands. Like an unruly teenager whose never satisfied.

Our refrigerator is on its deathbed and I’ve slowly been migrating cheese and milk and eggs to an alternate location. There’s a fair bit that needs to be thrown out too. Then as the bins and shelves are emptied, it becomes apparent that it’s just sticky and crumby all over in there. How does that happen? Years of neglect in bachelor city I suppose. Spills and sloppy extraction evident all over. I can’t in good conscience let that go. So I take to it with a rag and the lavender scented multi-surface cleaner.

Somebody’s got to do it and I guess that somebody is now me.

I don’t have time for that. And the pile grows larger.

I tried to be smart about the start of my week, you know, going to the grocery on Sunday night. One less thing to do this morning. Until I go to cook breakfast and realize that I’ve forgotten something. Good gravy.

And the dishes need doing. And the recycling is taking over the garage. And the cleaning of the Solarium was left half finished. And the litter boxes need scooped. And did I mention that I was booked solid with work garbage starting at 11?

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I literally stood still in my kitchen for like 10 minutes, just paralyzed with uncertainty about what to do. I looked up at the temperature gauge which read 56 degrees and decided it was too cold out to drive to the store (The only vehicle here I can drive is a jeep which has no doors and no top right now).

I looked at my phone. And was reminded how much I miss my BAE with its small size that fits my hand and aggressive Bluetooth pairing. I checked my email and a little time was sliced off my day as I got sidetracked with a flash fiction story i found in my in-box. After reading that, I kinda wanted to just go back to bed with a book and just keep reading. But I can’t.

Not yet.

Three more weeks. Yup, about good goddamned time alright.

That’s it for this Monday folks.
Until next time.
~Miss SugarCookie