2021-01-18 Happy Blog-A-Versary!! 💃💃🎉

2017-01-15 –> Now. Four years (+ a few days).. Yo!.. That’s a good freaking run!! 

(Spoiler Alert, this recap could get long. If stats are your thing and you want to skip the drunk trainwreck intro, scroll to the end, but don’t forget to click “like” before you leave. 😉)

In January 2017 I decided to start posting my personal journey online. I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t put a ton of thought into aesthetics, format, or the best way to approach doing what I wanted to do. Honestly, I didn’t even know what I wanted, or expected outside of wanted to find a way to live a happier, healthier life. 

If a person had asked me then what I thought would become of Miss SugarCookie in 4 years, I would not have had an answer. I wouldn’t have a clue. And there’s no possible way I could predict most of what has come to pass. 

Most of the time when I write, I’m writing in the moment. I’m writing for today. I’m writing for an audience of one. I’m trying to sort through what I’m thinking about and how I feel. I try to steer clear of hashing through old news that doesn’t concern me anymore. Most of the time, I try to do that. But sometimes, like now, it’s good to reflect. And it’s really good to see how far I’ve come. 

In January 2017 I was still very fresh off the end of my “big love” relationship. I was broken and closed and unhealthy, both mentally and physically. I was killing myself for a job that was never going to give me what I needed from life besides a paycheck. I was lost and confused and, after returning from my sister’s destination wedding in Mexico, I knew something had to change. 

I spent every other night in Mexico drinking until I couldn’t walk straight. I spent mornings after with blinds drawn, unable to eat any of the “all-inclusive” food that was available 24-7. One night I ended up stumbling drunk, laying on the grass next to the cart path that led to my single-occupancy room, sobbing. I begged the Universe for someone, anyone, to find me and want to help. I just wanted another human being, even if it was a complete stranger to care about my well being. 

I felt so alone. 

Other nights on that trip I wrote and tried to be social with the other 50 people who made the trip for my sister. I’m fairly certain there wasn’t another single person among them, besides my first cousin who I’ve never been close to and who (apparently) didn’t have trouble finding companionship on that trip. I wasn’t interested in a hookup though. I just wanted someone to talk to. 

I drunk texted people on FB messenger or iMessage from my room where there was WiFi. I don’t remember who, probably Josh and HL. I probably made confessions. I probably fell asleep mid-text. I had to write a maid-of-honor speech and sobered up to do that. 

I did a lot of wandering around the resort. I did an incredible amount of thinking. It’s probably then when the idea for posting my thoughts online came to me. I really don’t remember but it seems highly likely. 

Back in Nebraska a few short weeks later I was re-booting Miss SugarCookie who made her original debut in 2014 on Tumblr. But I’d become a solid WordPress fan and recognized the appeal of a versatile platform that was, at the time, the front runner for personal blogs (IMHO). 

I still remember one of my first posts, “The Riddle of the Middle” where I thought through the problem of starting something new, like I was, in the middle of the story. So much history, where does one begin to make it all make sense? The answer is.. to just begin. 

Eventually all the backstory would be  revealed organically. I know that now, but didn’t then. So many things I know now that I didn’t know then. 

And, as I said, could never have predicted what would change in the 4 years to follow. 

I learned along the way my “big love” had started seeing someone new a hot minute after our 3rd and final breakup. That helped me put a nail in the coffin of my hope for a reconciliation. 

I entertained a friends with benefits relationship with a good friend. It was both helpful and hurtful I’m a way. 

I quit my fucking job of course, by the following summer and elected to use my savings to take a six month sabbatical. One of the best decisions of my life! 

In those 6 months I began eating healthier and working out more. I traveled with and without my kids and had some amazing adventures. It was during our trip to the Pacific Northwest that I decided to get more education for my passion, writing poetry. 

By then, I was already well on my way to writing from a treadmill or elliptical machine each day. Wait… did I really write from an elliptical machine? I could not possibly have done that as I’m not that coordinated. I must be remembering that wrong. 

In any case, I do remember clear as the clearest day being in an exercise room at the holiday inn express by the Portland airport when I decided to apply for an MFA program. 

The beauty of this is.. I don’t have to remember because it’s verifiably in the archives of this blog. That’s some bonafide bonus-plan shit! 

I also started dating again during that sabbatical. Hello Bumble! There was a string of posts about my dating experiences (the good, the bad, and the seriously ugly) and navigating new territory. I’m probably going to struggle here. 

-Blog Intermission- I was going to go into a ramble calling out every made up name for every noteworthy person I went out with. Then I checked it and decided not to wreck it. So NOT going to go off on that major tangent. -End Blog Intermission-

Fast forward 5 or 6 or 8 months to March 2018. That’s when I said “Buh-bye” to Bumble. And good riddance. Dating sucks unless you’re dating someone you know you have a future with (at least that’s how I feel about it). 

Of course I’m talking about dating Jim and falling in love with Jim and being proposed to on my birthday in August of 2018. If you’re dating THAT person, dating is amazing! 

We went on dates, road trips, full-fledged vacations, and planned to “merge” our two households in early 2019. Of all the things.. this turn of events in my life was the least expected. And it happened so, so fast (based on the pace of my last long term). 

In 2018 I came off my sabbatical and took a job with a company learning a bunch of new stuff, which was great but fairly unpredictable as far as number of hours per week goes and, like most places, they would take all they could get. 

In 2019 the kids and I moved in with Jim and his boys and life just would not slow down for anything. I had work, the kids, Jim, the house, and school to take care of. Not to mention all my other relationships with family and friends. I was overcommitted for sure and by summer I was throwing my hands up and requesting to leave the work project I was on. 

I think my employer knew I was right on with my assessments about the project and let me bow out gracefully to bring a more skilled SQL person to work on the ETL. That fall was fantastic as I had time to work on my writing, MFA, and take care of my home and family (and also plan a wedding). 

By the time 2020 arrived, the wedding became the top priority and it’s the kind of thing that takes over your life for a while. Thank goodness we married as early in the year as we did (02/02/2020) because chaos in the world was about to take over. And so it did. 

I still finished my last semester, had a honeymoon, and began working again. Two of those three were fantastic. Can you guess which one wasn’t? 

By late August I put in my notice at work. This time I was going to be done-done with no option for accepting future contracts. Another great decision. 

I would be remiss if I didn’t nod to 2020 as a train wreck of a year for many other reasons. Still, despite that, I finished my MFA, had a few road trips, managed to get my darling daughter off to an OK start for her freshman year, and oh, by the way, set my sights on starting a new online literary publication. Which I did. Obvi with lots of help from some great peeps. 

Yeah. That’s another thing that I could not have imagined 4 years ago. Little Miss SugarCookie Starting and managing a lit mag. Wild!! 

So today’s the day!! 4 years (and counting). AND.. This post would not be complete if I did not end it in classic Miss SugarCookie style.. with the rest of the stats:

1460 Days
1143 Posts
8336 Visitors
13,513 Views
6296 Likes and
599 Followers

That’s fantastic! This quick look back has been refreshing for me. Quite rejuvenating actually. Were there bumps in the road? Yes, but I feel like I am on the right track now and look forward to the future. Only time will tell what can happen in the next four years. On that note, I’m just going to keep riding this wave as long as I’m able. 

Cheers to Four Years..
Love Ya’ll Bunches and Bunches! 
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-11-14 Doing the Math ➖➗➕

Broke my streak yesterday. Worked on my workshop submission both fine tuning the lines and deciding which poems were worthy of such rare attention. It’s really a confidence game at this point.  I was tired and had an unusual day that went astray from my normal routine.

With my dauber down, not a poem in the bunch felt good enough. Might have possibly been the three rejections that I had received in the previous 24 hours. Yes, three. I dunno. I don’t need them chumps anyhow.

It wasn’t until I ingested a healthy amount of caffeine that I started to feel better, and more like editing. I swear caffeine sometimes has magical properties.

Right about 5pm the  poems started to appear viable, even good. And I kept editing through the evening into the next day until I was satisfied, putting them aside only to eat and hang out with Jim and the kids, and sleep. Though I did not get much sleep again.

I was up In the library with my laptop at 5:30am. By 1:30 Friday I did the final math and the conclusion was that they were as done as they were going to be. I proceeded to download and submit to our MFA program coordinator.  ✅

The trick now is to forget about it. It’s out of my hands now anyway so no reason to keep thinking about it. I need to learn to do that with a lot of things. I’m sure it’s the reason I can’t go back to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night.

Later Friday I picked up some CBD drops that are supposed to help with that—getting a more restful sleep by helping the mind relax. Last night was the first trial and the math on it isn’t very conclusive. One point of data does not make a point. You need more points of data to draw a line that leads to a conclusion. Tomorrow there will for sure be some more math about that. I had half a dropper and might up to a full ml tonight. We’ll see.

Last night I also had. a virtual HH with a friend in San Diego. She was also the PM on my last project with the company I quit in September. We were friends from way back and before we both signed on at that company. She just started this year but has made quick work being elevated among leadership. She was promoted to my boss (without anyone letting me know) as a part of her engagement plan.

Of course I’m happy for her but it has made me privy to some info that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. She’s told me things in confidence and I can’t I know these things. So when she initiated a conversation about me coming back for part time work, I had to try very hard to listen and find positive things to say.

The truth is, she gave me a heads up she was going to ask so I had already done the math. I started with the X amount of dollars I was making an hour before. Which has not been increased after 2 years at the company. I’m not factoring in my excellent performance and dedication. I’m only positing that at the very least I should have had a 4% increase both years for inflation. That brings me to the lowball figure that would be an insult.

Now consider that I’m an employee that does not need benefits. So the company isn’t out of their own pocket for 401k or healthcare or life insurance on my behalf.

Now add the value factor. This is subjective, but if I’m as awesome as they always tell me I am, then why would they not come with a solid number. When it came to that part of the discussion she basically said that she could not remember our previous conversation but whatever it was I asked for, they could do that.

Listen, people, I DO remember that conversation as it was important to me. My life and my livelihood. And to say you don’t remember means it wasn’t that important. The status of our relationship aside, that hurts. Of course, when we had that conversation I didn’t ask for enough which I regretted. But herein lies the rub..

IT DOES NOT MATTER anymore. Say it was X * 16%. So what? That’s not enough. X * 50% is not enough. X * 861% is not enough.

Because can’t put a price on time.
Time is priceless. 

I told her I’d have to think about it and talk to Jim. She pressed me for a timeframe and I promised her by Monday.

I don’t need to think about it anymore except whether or not to be open and direct about my reasons. About the way I feel. And the mistakes I feel have been made. But then I have to ask myself, does that matter either? The conclusion?

THAT DOES NOT MATTER either. In the grand scheme, my feelings don’t matter. That folks, is a solid reality of life.

Your feelings matter to you. And they should matter to the people you hold near and dear, but outside that circle, no one else is going to care.

That’s why we need to be good to our circles of love and friendship. And to ourselves.

One of the poems I found enough merit in to edit further and submit to workshop is called “A Love Letter for Today.” I’m not typically inclined toward love poems, so this one feels important. Special. A good little poem.

Time to turn my attention elsewhere.
Where, I dunno.

Add It Up,
~Miss SugarCookie

~

2020-11-10 Freezing Rain, Memory, and Poetry

A freezing rain greets me as I accompany the trash carts to the end of the driveway. It tears my attention away from what I don’t remember. It feels good to feel the rain on my skin and how it forces me to move faster, look forward to being back inside, strip down to dry.

Yesterday I wrote a poem. I can count on two hands the number of poems I’ve written this year. A sad story compared to the sixty I wrote last year. Years from now when I look back on this moment, what will I think?

Not about the rain, or daylight savings ruining my morning drive, or how responsible my daughter is on this day.. her first at an office job. Or all these thoughts and steps and words. Or the numbers on a scale. Please, let it not be the numbers.

If I were patient and kind I might find that what I remember is how we held on tight to each other in 2020 when the world pressed down on us, compressing our lives softening boundaries, making them more easily punctured.

Maybe I won’t remember anything about today other than the fact that it was wholly unremarkable next to all the other unremarkable days. Which is why I need to be here, in this moment today, and just enjoy the rain.


Yesterday the week was kicked off with a good start. I felt fairly productive and In a fair mood. Today I’m hoping to keep things  fair and balanced. I’d love to write another poem, that felt great. Of course I’ve got a full set list of chores and work I’d like to get through. Though having made my list on Sunday I can’t recall at the moment what’s on the agenda for today.

Two poems in my in-box each morning bring me something old and something new which are, more or less, mirrors of each other. The language and rhetoric of 2020 run together until they can’t be separated. It gives me a good sense of what is currently sought after. Unfortunately it’s not what I currently have to offer. Which only means I have more work to do.

When I mention work now, that’s what I mean. I’m more than a month out of the old kind of work. The kind my daughter just started at today. The scheduled hours, direct deposits, and doing something for someone else instead of yourself. It’s not that I don’t believe in that life, but now rather i start to come to terms with its Reason and value.

I’m now one month in with doing things for myself and my loved ones. It’s definitely a better life. I don’t miss “work” like some people said I would and am approaching the answer to that question.
You know the one I hated for years. “So what do you do?”

Instead of the monotone explanation of my job which leaves trails of glassed over eyes in my wake at parties, I can begin to describe how I work at being a better writer.

I can imagine the new scene at parties, the question, the chuckle, the follow up Sarcastic question, “how much does THAT pay?”

Me: It’s priceless.

Mic drop and walk away.


I’m currently studying the life and poetry of Adrienne Rich. She’s going to be one of the main persons discussed as a part of the lecture I’m giving during residency in December. As an added bonus, she’s a stellar role model for breaking out of a mould. I suppose that’s what makes her such a great candidate for my lecture.

When I wrote my craft paper in 3rd semester, the topic was the journey of the poetic voice but the paper was really focused more on the qualities of voice without a lot of definitive evidence about the actual journey in question. To be sure 3 out of the 4 poets I studied we’re not good candidates as they were still mostly at the beginning. Creeley was the only one that had lived his whole life where the body of work could be analyzed in full context of the events of his life and the world.

As I was only scratching the surface with that paper, I now must put in more work to learn what my lecture has to teach me. If I’m to be the expert, which is the expectation, then I’d better get down to business. I’m close to letting go of using anything from Creely or Merwin as I think focusing on female poets is key to getting me to a more impactful conclusion.

I’ve more to say on this topic, but I need to get on with my day. I’m definitely getting into the right zone though. Cheers to that.

And Cheers to Living in the Moment,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-10-03 Thanks for the Reminder

It’s been a wild week. Lots of drama with the end of my time as an employee (at long last) and finally getting to pull the trigger on the first issue of The Good Life Review. It took till about 6PM yesterday before I entered into that corpse pose phase I’ve been talking about for a few days now.

After the social media frenzy of the morning I still had an initial meeting with a couple folks interested in hopping on our little GLR bus as script writing editors. Which went really well. Sometimes I think I lead better when I don’t have to accommodate my co-leader in the endeavor.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy and has the best intentions but I think I do better facilitating and operating without another person to defer to. I dunno, maybe I just secretly like to be in control and call all the shots.

In any case, he dipped on the meeting due to work issues (for the umpteenth tine) and so I flew solo talking to Jake and Joe. It was great! They are both enthusiastic about being on the team and so we are all systems go with adding (more) “drama” to the setlist of what we’re about. Yay!! 🤸🏼‍♀️

After that I started to slide into weekend mode. I’m talkin bout a REAL weekend without working or worrying about work. Without fretting about deadlines and what is next. Without any real responsibility aside from the things that should be a priority. Loving my people up and preparing meals and watching a few shows and enjoying a last swim of the season. Not to mention possibly sneaking away to be alone and spending some QT with a few books.

Reading books? What’s that like??!! 😜

I think I’ll get a fair bit of that tomorrow with my trip to participate in another “Shack Simple” with Jack. So today’s gonna be all about the Fam. And Jim. I mean, we’re still newlyweds after all.

Last night as we were retreating early to find a good nights sleep, I did one last scan of email (bad habit, I know) and read the subject of a spam email from Wedding Wire. A site I probably subscribed to when I was searching for a vendor or something during our wedding planning.

The subject said “Toasting to Eight Months.” And I looked at the calendar and was like, ha! Indeed it was our eight month anniversary and was completely overlooked by both of us (Thanks for the reminder wedding wire). That real life folks. I mentioned this to Jim who was also looking at his phone.

He said, that’s tomorrow right? We both laughed. He kissed me and said happy anniversary. Then we turned the last bedside lights off and both assumed our usual “fall asleep” positions. In the dark he says, “we can make out tomorrow.”

I said, “yup. Tomorrow.”

Yeah.. real life.

Now it’s tomorrow and we’re in the workout room. I’m doing that treadmill thing I do and he’s lifting with his son. After this I’ll make breakfast for us. Then we’ll see what else this responsibility-free Saturday has to offer.

On that note. My time is up.

Happy Caturday to All!
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-21 What’s the Truth Behind All the Drama

Last night I had a dream I could not shake. I mean.. I dreamt the dream and woke up multiple times and then fell back to sleep into the same scenario twice.

I’ve got a big assignment due for school. Something that’s going to take months of work and I’ve shown up to the scene empty-handed. I’ve procrastinated past the point of no return and have to ask for an extension. I ask for a day, when what I have to do can still not ever be done in a day.

I get a finger wag and stern talking to from my advisor. Her ass is on the line with this too somehow. I lie to her.

I tell her it’s almost done. That it just needs some polish. That I want it to be awesome and don’t want to wing it.

That last bit is true. I want the outcome to be a success. I really don’t want to wing it. It’s just not who I am. Or at least not who I want to be. Maybe that’s the issue my brain is struggling with. That I feel like I’m faking everything I’m at right now and not doing anything well. Ugh!

Anyway, then my advisor and I part ways and what do I do? I head straight to where the social action is instead of getting to work on my project. Why did I do that??! I was so anxious and nervous and still opted to procrastinate further.

Then I wake up and fall back asleep and it’s a day later and the stakes are higher. I’ve already asked for an extension and I can’t do that again. I’m so terrified of meeting with my advisor again who is basically one of the sweetest women I know. I’m banking on her using that sweetness to hold it together when I tell her I’m still not ready. It’s progressed past my having any control and I’m at the mercy of the Universe.

I’m crossing fingers that I’ve stacked up enough karma points to get me through this moment. My reputation is at stake and I’m positive I’m about to be called out as a fake.

After all, if you fake it till you make it, that’s what you are right??!! Just a fake?

Waking up to real life brought me some relief. I was released from any obligation to continue playing out that scene. Still, it left me laying there haunted. Why brain??… WTH??!!!


Today is my second to last Monday at my job. 8 days to go.

This morning as I was driving my son to school, which is about 50 minutes round trip. I was thinking about leaving my job and team and started to tear up. What is wrong with me? I should be happy, yet was overcome by sadness and fear of regret. This is what I want right?

I look over at my son, asleep in the passenger seat. Is he the project I’m failing at? Have I been Faking parenting him for 16 years and coming up hot at the end of his days at home and not ready.

Isn’t he the reason I’m quitting my job? And Jim and Z and our family life. Or is it so I can selfishly spend my days working on my fitness and my art. What will I choose to do with those extra hours in my day?

Will I check the Gradebook for Coop and be on his case when he starts to slip? We’re a month into school and I’ve only checked once. Epic fail.

Will I get down to work cleaning the toilets and scrubbing floors like a good Cinderella or will I just binge on Jazzercise and Electric Literature?

Time will tell.

As he got out of the car to go into the school, I felt another wave of sadness wash over me. He felt so distant as he said goodbye. I felt like I’d neglected him this weekend because we barely spoke and I was focused on work and prepping for a social gathering.

I pulled out of the parking lot and started to tear up again. Again, WTH?

Then I looked at my phone .. and tapped on my Fitbit app, swiped my finger down to refresh. Swiped my thumb up to scroll down. And there was the answer. It’s exactly 7 days till I get my period. That means prime time for the emotional swells. Mystery solved.

I continued my drive home thinking about poetry. How people won’t want my words because who wants to hear anything about spoiled white Cinderella in her broken castle? Made me think about my ex-husband, oddly enough. And the fact that he inadvertently gifted me books of material during our life together. If only I had a desire to visit that time in my life again.

But no. Like bronchitis.. ain’t nobody got time for that!

As my time today on the treadmill nears it’s end.. I toggle to my work app and see people wishing someone a happy birthday and I start to tear up again.

Yeah.. this ones gonna be a doozie!

On that note… my time is up.
Happy PMS Monday Ya’ll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-09-14 Monday Blues

It’s Monday. That’s not news. I’ve got 3 weeks left at my stupid job. That’s not news either, but it does make me feel like.. like.. it’s about good goddamned time.

Today I’ve been scheduled for back to back meetings for 4 hours. That’s not living. That’s having your life drained away. There’s so much more that needs doing.

Today I got up at 6:30 to cook breakfast for Jim before he went to work. Then I went back to bed. More because I was just not in the mood to chat or sit at the table staring at the monster pile of crap thats growing on our kitchen counter. I wasn’t ready to face this day with all of its demands. Like an unruly teenager whose never satisfied.

Our refrigerator is on its deathbed and I’ve slowly been migrating cheese and milk and eggs to an alternate location. There’s a fair bit that needs to be thrown out too. Then as the bins and shelves are emptied, it becomes apparent that it’s just sticky and crumby all over in there. How does that happen? Years of neglect in bachelor city I suppose. Spills and sloppy extraction evident all over. I can’t in good conscience let that go. So I take to it with a rag and the lavender scented multi-surface cleaner.

Somebody’s got to do it and I guess that somebody is now me.

I don’t have time for that. And the pile grows larger.

I tried to be smart about the start of my week, you know, going to the grocery on Sunday night. One less thing to do this morning. Until I go to cook breakfast and realize that I’ve forgotten something. Good gravy.

And the dishes need doing. And the recycling is taking over the garage. And the cleaning of the Solarium was left half finished. And the litter boxes need scooped. And did I mention that I was booked solid with work garbage starting at 11?

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I literally stood still in my kitchen for like 10 minutes, just paralyzed with uncertainty about what to do. I looked up at the temperature gauge which read 56 degrees and decided it was too cold out to drive to the store (The only vehicle here I can drive is a jeep which has no doors and no top right now).

I looked at my phone. And was reminded how much I miss my BAE with its small size that fits my hand and aggressive Bluetooth pairing. I checked my email and a little time was sliced off my day as I got sidetracked with a flash fiction story i found in my in-box. After reading that, I kinda wanted to just go back to bed with a book and just keep reading. But I can’t.

Not yet.

Three more weeks. Yup, about good goddamned time alright.

That’s it for this Monday folks.
Until next time.
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-14 No Good Way to End – Part 1

Yesterday I had almost 100% focus on moving my daughter into her dorm room. This morning, I am waking up without her in the house. I’m wondering if there are options for food open already on campus. Surely there are. I know that her dad and his fiancé are going to visit today and her plan is to have them take her shopping for this and that which we may have overlooked. Hopefully that includes food.

Yesterday I stayed mostly disconnected from work and it was a good test. I had a few questions folks asked over Slack which I was able to answer but ignored most of the “drama.” Drama being the gotta-have-this-right-now-or-all-is-lost attitude. It was nice to have a day off. I mean a real day off where I’m not expected to do anything. Funny how somehow all the expectations have gone up because of the pandemic.

A person is home, because what else is there to do. There is wifi. They are online. So they may as well be plugged into work and working ALL THE DAMN TIME.

It’s bad for a person like me who has the tendency to be a workaholic anyway. It’s hard to unplug. I find myself checking emails and slack right up to the minute I’m going to bed. And when everyone else on the team is online too, that does not help (plus most of them are on the west coast and working later also).

Anyway, yesterday I set myself to away on slack and did not tune in or chime in on any goings-on. By the end of the day a ton of messages had piled up and as I quickly scrolled through the mess, I found myself shrugging. I don’t think it will be that tough to disengage from the project or team and I really don’t think I will miss it.

Jim and I decided I would put my notice in Monday. Well, that was his idea anyway and I’m just going with it. Unless there is a good opening today. I’m not super ready for it in terms of what I am going to say though. The last time I had to quit a gig I wrote everything I wanted to say out. Not a formal letter, but a kind of monologue if you will. That was tricky because I wanted to quit my project but not necessarily quit the company. Who does that?

This time around, I’m OK if calling it quits means I am done/done. That’s the goal. There is a small part of me that thinks that if I allow them to keep me on the payroll and don’t truly “leave” then there will come a day when they reach back out to ask if I can step in and help again. I have to remember that.

That is how it starts. That is how it started with this project. It was the casual ask, “Help out as much as you want to.” And before I know it – BAM! I’m all in and can’t help but feel responsible and working all the time. Whatever.


I wrote that little bit on Friday morning and then the day truly got away from me and now it’s Saturday afternoon and I am back from my second trip to Lincoln this week (the first of many I am sure). I’m just feeling tired and uninspired.

What’s a girl to do? 🤔

Stuck Thinking,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-11 This!!

Life is good.

I mean I know it’s a pandemic and the world is going to shit but how bad can it be if I can get a sudden rush crave for Rusty Taco fried fish tacos and order online and have those tacos in front of my mouth in a matter of minutes?

Makes me sound like a spoiled princess but I was given the advice once to never apologize for my life. So… not sorry.

I’ve struggled to embrace the semi-charmed kind of life I’m living but those days are coming to a close. I’m all the way charmed now. And pretty soon now I’ll be ordering tacos from a tropical beach somewhere. I’m throwing my hands in the air like I just don’t care.

Cuz.. how long can this pandemic last? And there will always be drama. World drama. Drama on foreign soil. Suffering somewhere and suffering right here. Local uprisings and injustice. Life, as they say, is suffering. Stand up for what you can, when you can. Most importantly teach your children how to teach their children. That’s the only Way things will get better.

Wow. That went all really preach-y. Sorry guys. It happens. 🤷‍♀️

As one might guess I’m hopped up on coffee and high on the idea of quitting my job, so I feel like I have all the answers and can take on the world. I’ll admit, it’s a great feeling.

Gotta go put in some work hours. Counting down the days and hours!!

Peace, Love, and Tacos,
~Miss SugarCookie

2020-08-10 It’s Definitely Time

I happen to have pulled some long days lately covering for my PM who was out with a serious emergency.

I happen to bust my ass and sacrifice quality time with my kids in these waning days of summer before school is back in session.

I happen to decide that enough is enough and begin planning for my exit from that scene.

I happen to rock that demo of the latest release of our software today despite technical difficulties. But still I shrug.

And finally.. I happen to be on a call with my bosses. A project review with the PM who is now back to work. And heard first hand when the news of the latest contract hit their in-boxes. And heard the sparkle in their eyes and quickening of their heart beats.

But my heart doesn’t keep that kind of time anymore. My heart was wandering the garden with the dahlias in full bloom and the pumpkins growing wild across a stockpile of firewood we’re saving for winter.

From where I was, so many paces away from the house. Wifi weakening with every step, I could barely make out the words that were ushered through. I could barely care.


It’s Monday and I think I’ve had enough (it’s only Monday and I’ve logged 11 hours already). This week the focus has to shift to other things. It has to. My son goes back to school (he’s a junior) and that could be crazy chaos with the covid still raging across the country. On Thursday I move my daughter into the dorm. Same story there with the uncertainty.

Not sure how these schools think they can successfully socially distance thousands of teenagers, but the economy and the country is demanding status quo so there you go. The almighty dollar really is a powerful beast that makes people do crazy things.

If I had my way, I’d just shut it all down for a year until there is a vaccine available for gen pop. Put Wall Street on hold. Hold all bill collecting from banks and crusty landlords alike. Use “stimulus” funds for essential services and to provide food and shelter for people in need. How hard would that be?

I dunno. I still want my baby to have a normal college dorm experience. I want her to be able to walk across campus in the bright sunshine of a crisp autumn day. I want my son to get his drivers permit and to give him some good lessons as the leaves begin to turn.

I’m torn about a lot of things, you know? But not feeling very torn about quitting anymore. It’s definitely time.

Time is all we have and time is always running out.

Good gravy, that’s enough.
Peace and Love,
Miss SugarCookie

2020-07-31 Adios July.. Don’t Let the Door Git Ya!

Remember all that I was saying yesterday about riding out the hormonal storm until the crashing waves calm down? Yeah, just effff that. It really is easy to talk logic than to put it into practice sometimes.

Listen. Yesterday was a bitch. Work sucked. And at the end of the day I was on the couch, half laying into a stack of pillows watching some YouTube video Jim was playing for me. It’s a guy playing like a really old guitar. We’re talking made in the 1600’s old. And I just started to cry.

Was it that a guitar that old could still exist? That it could still be played, strummed by human hands and make such beautiful music? The mystical mastery of fingers picking the strings. That ‘we’ are capable of crafting an instrument out of wood and strings. And compose music. It was beautiful.

I told Jim it made me cry. He said it makes him want to take guitar lessons. I told him it makes me feel like I’m wasting my life. He just laughed.

He reminded me I’m working hard on my art, and that’s a good thing. He’s right, damnit, but ugh… the stress of trying to do too much is, well, too much.

Today is Friday and the last day of July. It is the last day that’s the window for submissions for the first issue of the good life review will be open. And midnight tonight the window will be closed. At midnight tonight the clock is going to start ticking down for reading, copy editing, author agreements, and all things required to publish that first issue. It’s going to be a lot of work. I need to quit my job.

I have been working hard on my art. The new lit mag is just one of the balls I have thrown into the air and I am trying to figure out how to catch without it falling on my head and cracking my skull open.

I’ve been revising poems and attempting to attend workshops to learn some new things. I haven’t really written a ton of new stuff, but the few things that I have written in 2020 seem like good candidate to continue working on in the future. You know sometimes you get a vibe about a piece of writing. Sometimes there is something in the core of it that remains so strong that you know that even if it looks like garbage on the surface, there could still be a diamond hidden underneath.

Either that or I’m just too emotionally attached to these precious few new poems in my virtual poetry pile. Someone told me once to set aside a new poem for at least six months. Let the emotional attachment fade. Then when you revisit, you can see with a fresh perspective if there’s something worth working on.

I mean I don’t know if I necessarily agree with that, but it does help me justify procrastinating revising new material. 😜

One final thought before I adjourn this session. On this day in history (not sure what year) my parents were married. When I think about that.. I can’t help but realize that if they never met or got married, I would not exist. Or if I did exist I would be a different person completely. Wild!!

Anyhow. That’s it.
Cheers to Friday,
~Miss SugarCookie