Friday the 25th was the last time I wrote and that was all about celebrating successes. In the days leading up to that, I was kind of in a funk and not really feeling positive about anything at all and was certainly not feeling like celebrating. My birthday was the next day and I had several things on the agenda but none of those was birthday related. Those plans also prevented me from spending any time with my kids on my birthday so I promised them Sunday we would spend the entire day together. That sort of ended up being a bust too because of arguments, bad moods, and allergies. Nothing I planned for that day turned out like I intended. Then today they went back to school and to Brian’s and now I am alone. Left to my own devices and once again in a funk.
Damn it. It’s now been about a year since I broke up with Matt and I’m still hurting from that. I’m still struggling with being alone and I constantly think about my relationships. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just enjoy being who I am and not have my mood dependent on someone else? Why should that matter?
Damn it. It’s now been about two months since I quit my job and though I don’t regret that either, and still feel like it was completely necessary, I’m not feeling super awesome about not working. I just don’t understand why I can’t just be happy and enjoy my time off and why I have to constantly think about what it is I am going to do next.
I can’t seem to relax my mind. Ever. Last week I wrote a little bit about that stupid game I play on my phone. I wrote about how when I play that, I am able to concentrate on it and NOT think about anything else. Part of me wonders if the same wasn’t true for work. I mean, when I am working, I am generally either heads down working on a task, or trying to solve a problem, or helping someone else. In all three cases, there is not a lot of spare cycles for my brain to think about anything else. Which means, when I am working, I’m not thinking about all the other things wrong with my life.
Now that the kids are back in school I have a lot of spare time and all I seem to ever do is think about things that are wrong with my life. I don’t understand why, when I have so much going for me, I would focus on the negative. I have my health, my kids, financial security, a nice house, and two cars. I have people who care about me and lots of opportunities to do things I really want to do ahead of me. Why on earth would I be down about life right now? Damn.
Perhaps the bummer of a birthday has a little to do with it. I mean, I am now 44 years old and have two failed long term relationships behind me. I don’t want to be 44 and alone. I enjoy spending time with my kids, but I want to spend time with adults. What I would really like to have done for my birthday is go out to a nice place for dinner and have some really good food and drinks and conversation. I’m not going to sugar coat this at all, it would also have been nice to go out on a date and at least get some affection. I miss being held. I miss being something special to someone. I love to wear dresses and I have like 7 dresses in my closet and no one to wear them for.
Last night, when I tried to take the kids out to somewhere nice, Z ended up having an emotional meltdown and we had to leave the restaurant because she did not want to eat there. It was a really nice place (like really $$$$) and I got dressed up and was feeling like making the most of the evening, and then we left right after they poured the waters. I was certainly not going to stay and pay 100 bucks for dinner when nobody wanted to be there. I wouldn’t do that even if I was working.
Then we walked to spaghetti works and were seated there. That lasted about 30 seconds and I was completely grossed out by the state of the restaurant and the smell and the other people there. I’m not a snob by any stretch of the imagination, but I was really put off and so we left there too.
After that, her allergies really flared up and so we drove home. I got her some medicine and changed out of my dress into jeans and a shirt and sweatshirt and we ended up eating at Applebees, which is like 6 blocks from our house. Not really a celebration at all.
I want to be able to celebrate my successes, but I’m failing at that. How ironic. I guess there are worse things to fail at so I should count myself fortunate. And, you know what they say.. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. I’m sure I’ll have lots of opportunities to do that in the future… goodness knows I have lots of time to work with.
Time for bed now. Perhaps tomorrow my outlook will be better.
Here’s to Sweet Dreams,