2017-09-27 Answers From Within

I was left to my own devices for most of the day yesterday. I was left alone to choose what I wanted to do without any influence from the outside world. It was a day of following my internal compass and I followed in that direction both physically and mentally. As I sit here now, I am amazed at the outcome. I’m getting close to the answers I have been looking for.

A few weeks ago I had lunch with Paul and as one thing led to another, the result was a spotlight on a job opportunity at a local Health System. The job would be very similar to what I have done before for a different Health System. It popped into my email in-box on September 21 and I promptly put it on my to-do list. Five days later, as I crossed off the second to the last thing on my to-do list, I stared at that line item and felt myself issue a deep sigh. I really don’t want to apply.

I lobbied with myself last night about it and also spoke to Simon. I reasoned that it would be good experience anyway no matter what would happen durning the process or what the outcome would be. I’ve interviewed a total of about five times to companies in my 20+ years of being an adult, which is so shallow compared to most people my age. Needless to say, I’m lacking in knowledge and experience in that arena so any I can get would probably be good.

However, I did just go through all of this in January and February with CMH and knocked that out of the park, so what more can I expect from this? The answer, is potentially a job. Still, the procrastination and feelings I had about it are telling. I ended up filling out the application earlier this evening and crossed that off the list. Everything I wanted to get accomplished today has been done, or moved to a different day this week. Then what?

I looked at my email.
I scrolled through Facebook.
I clicked on some FB add/link and ended up ordering something online.
I researched how to become a Master Gardner in Sarpy county. The website wasn’t very clear but did indicate an application must be submitted. I’m going to call the main number to find out more (and yes, I added it to my list).
I researched the MFA in Creative Writing Program at UNO and then it happened…

As I started to read more about the program and the areas of focus and the mentorship and the residency and the process to apply, I had exactly the opposite feeling I had been having for five days about applying for a job. I felt excited and happy and hopeful. Then I remembered, this is not the first time I have felt this way about this topic.

The first time was at my company holiday party last year. I sat next to Paul’s wife (yes the same Paul) who was currently going through the program and it sounded amazing. She shared some of her experiences which were so positive and had nothing but good things to say about the people and the program. That is what planted the seed in my brain.

The second time was when I was on the elliptical machine at the stupid Comfort Inn hotel near the airport in Portland. It was the day we were flying home from our last family vacation and the kids were geeking out on their video games in the room so I was exercising. I had been thinking about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and that tiny little seed sprouted. I once again became excited and hopeful and curious about that even being an option for me. I resolved to add it to my list of things for deeper consideration when I got to the point of really digging in and thinking about what was next.

Now I am nearing the end of September, which was the month that was supposed to be dedicated to that and sort of feeling like I have been drifting and procrastinating and doing the opposite of what I intended to do.

I wrote a couple of days ago about being happy and just expecting the universe to bestow answers upon me as I was sleeping. Simon says it’s not the universe, it’s just us. We feel the need to attribute unexplainable things to something greater than ourselves because it’s human nature to want to believe that there are forces at work beyond what we see and understand. But it’s inside of us and whatever happens, it is because we made it happen. We make choices and take action and have moments of brilliance and enlightenment.

So then I had my moment of brilliance. I believe I have found the answer for what is next for me and I’m feeling very positive about it. There are complications, obstacles, and hard work ahead, but that’s all going to be sorted out in time. For now, I am just going to ride this feeling to where it leads me. Today my friends.. Today is a good day to start.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

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