Yesterday was a disappointing day for me. Disappointing is not the right word though, it was just that things did not turn out as expected. Since I had already decided that I didn’t know what to expect, then how could I have been unsatisfied with any result? Still, I have to tell myself that I got what I needed anyway, in the face of “wanting” too much.
A few days ago I was having what seems to have become a fairly frequent freak out because I had too many things on my mind. Too many things that I had committed to doing and trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together so that I could fit it all in. I think I elaborated about some of that specifically and in the end, just shrugged and said “whatever happens happens”. I was sort of quadruple booked, in my mind, and pressed to decide what was a priority. It was Jazzercise and the Red Cross Blood Drive and the Poetry Workshop and Lunch with Denise (plus I have the kids so all of that would include also navigating spending time with them too). In addition… deadlines – school and work. Ugh. Also, it was the 7 week anniversary of the day JS and I met, so that was important too. I’m in that “things are new enough that a 7 week anniversary is still a noteworthy thing” mode. Anyway….
I opted out of my morning elliptical routine to walk on the treadmill and read my book (for school) – Priority #1. My intention was to go to Jazzercise, but when I arrived I was the only one there for the class, all my motivation for that drained away. In truth, I already felt like an hour of doing that wasn’t a good use of my time considering everything else. I ended up telling the instructor I was there to talk to the program director and that I had an appointment elsewhere and didn’t intend to stay. All that was true, I was intending to have a talk with her and I did have an appointment at the red cross. When I left there I decided to hit the blood drive early.
The visit to the red cross was an epic fail. Hgb 11.6 and too low for donating. I’m extremely sick of trying to make that square peg fit into a round hole. I may try again tomorrow, but after that, I may just call it quits for a while on attempting to do that. We shall see. I’ve been eating all the right things and taking iron supplements for days and to have it be so low was just a bummer, so I walked away without accomplishing THAT goal and it felt really crappy to have sacrificed the writing workshop for that. But, time marched on so it was on to the next thing – Lunch.
If there is one thing that’s in my regular set list which is rarely disappointing, it’s lunch with a friend. I met Denise at an awesome new place and we ate and drank and chatted for quite a while. Then I followed her back to her house where she is having her basement finished so she could show me the progress. It was good. When I got home though, it was already three in the afternoon and I was beat tired and needing to finish my reading AND the kids were needing my attention.
We drove to get them a late lunch after which I tried (and failed) to take a nap. I really wanted to get a draft of my first essay of the next packet written but could not focus. The kids were being loud and rowdy and I went for a walk outside to think. It was too cold and I came back home. I also wanted to talk with JS, because we talk every day now, and I hadn’t done that yet. I also promised Z I would watch a movie with her. In the grand scheme of things, people ARE more important, so taking care of myself, and spending time with them and JS and Denise was the right thing to do.
So I shouldn’t use the words disappointing or unsatisfying or ungratifying.. or even unsatisfying, but that’s probably closest to how it was. I did a lot of stuff, but didn’t get done what I needed to. I got done what I needed to, but not what I wanted to. I think that makes sense.
Today I have to get some writing started and finished. I now only have three days left and that’s not enough for what I “want” to accomplish this round. I’ve been stealing from “want” to satisfy need a lot lately and not even successful getting it. IT’s pretty evident in my stats which I’ll hit later when I’m in the prime of my day.
So Much for Satisfaction,