2018-09-25 Failure is Not an Option

Today would be the perfect day to write something new about something that someone, anyone, would find valuable. Anything different and interesting would do, a cheeseburger revue, or an artistic opinion on some local issue. But I’m coming up empty. My mind is completely trained on a different objective…. poetry.

Well not poetry exactly, because the actual goal is a school assignment that has to do with writing some essay on some topic. Whoa.. that’s pretty broad. It’s like writing this blog every day. When I’m staring at that blank screen, it can be anything I want and go anywhere I want. I get to decide. So much power!! However writing official essays for school are never that simple. You know, there is a definite set of parameters which I’m required to remain inside the bounds of.

For example, if I turned in a revue of some local restaurant and their very average cheeseburger, that would not be acceptable. It’s got to be something related to what I’ve been learning and include references to poems or poets that I’ve been studying. This sesh is all about imagery and line and metaphor. I need to keep my eye on the prize but struggling with focus and connecting the dots.

The dictionary of poetic terms has a definition of metaphor that’s like 6 pages long. There’s enough there to think about and write about at length but then I need to pull in examples. Every time I dive into a set of poems my mind starts to wander off to other things and I’m not making good connections. They say that second semester is a good time to fail. They should never say that. It sets a person up with the notion that it’s ok to fail.

It’s like giving someone a new medication and telling them one of the side effects is sleeplessness. They might lie awake nights thinking about that, not sleeping, wondering if it’s the medication causing their sleep to fail. In actuality, it’s a total placebo effect. I’ve also heard people say that failing causes a person to learn and grow. All I can say about my history with failure is that I don’t like the way it makes me feel.

I’ve had failed relationships.. that sucks big time and it always causes lots of grief that lingers way too long. I’ve failed at work only a few times and that’s also rotten. The last time was at my last job when I was forced into a corner with the pile up of expectations and eventually had to throw my hands up in the air admitting I couldn’t do it. That left a nasty scar that I still get twitchy and itchy when I think about it. It really says something when 2 years passes and you still have enough anger about something that you want to punch someone (you know who) in the face (cough – lord Vader – cough).

Anyway, failing is definitely not my cup of tea. I’m going to have to bounce back this semester and really get above that high bar I have set for myself. If I’m going to do that I need to dedicate more time to the effort. That means less time for other things. Yeah, it always comes down to time. If this blog wasn’t so absolutely essential to my well being, I might sacrifice some of the time I spend in it. But I need something constant for my sanity and writing out my thoughts every day always, always makes me feel better. It always opens my mind to new thoughts. It always helps ground me while at the same time lifting me up. In 2014 I blogged every day as a part of my NYR and it often felt like a chore. Now here I am 4 years later and I’m not sure what I would do without it.

I could probably go on and on for hours and hours, but that’s not good either. I need to make positive progress today on these essays. It’s time to jam.

Thanks for Playing Along,

~Miss SugarCookie

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