I’m not finding my chi today. I’m wasting 20 minutes at a time with indecision about what to do with my day. This is what happens when you mostly operate in JIT mode (just in time). No work truly needing to get done and nothing pressing for school. I didn’t have enough sleep and I’m just generally tired and lack focus. It’s Monday and I need to transition back to life at my house with my kids. I have to try and check my alternate identify at the door and assume the role of mom, head of household, single, alone, breadwinner, blah-blah, woof-woof. While I am looking forward to seeing my kids, I’m not super excited about any of it.

I’m trying to get ahead of the curve and forgive myself for wasting a whole day thinking about the future. There are lots of big changes on the horizon and it’s not lost on me that I’m somewhat enticed by change and sometimes thrive on it. I don’t actively seek out drama but my childhood was riddled with change so when things are changing it almost feels like a comfortable place.

Take moving for example. Doing some house accounting I have moved approximately 19 times in my life. That averages out to about once every 2.4 years. I think moving is exciting. I like the idea of establishing a new home and figuring out a new space. We will be moving in January now and I’m kinda wishing it was sooner.

When I say I think it’s conditioning that has made me this way, it’s mostly due to the fact that the majority of those historical moves were while I was growing up. That was because of choices my parents made – changing careers, and jobs, and also getting divorced and establishing new relationships with other people. All of that was outside of my control and there was no resisting, it just felt “normal” when we moved again.

I don’t necessarily think it was all positive, but some of it was necessary and ended up making me more resilient. For my kids I have tried to keep things relatively stable but the divorce in my case was necessary too. I have managed to keep them in the same school system for their entire upbringing and the move in January will be no different. It will mean driving them every day. I guess that feels like no big deal because I’ll get to spend more time with them that way. It’s tough to get QT with teenagers who just want you to leave them alone.

Anyway, back to the whole conditioning thing. I think there are people who spend their entire lives in one place or city or job, and I think those people are not as inclined to be excited about change. They are just not used to the idea of change. In my job I encounter people all the time who have used the same systems and processes their entire career and when we try to introduce a new system or process, they resist.

In my viewpoint things typically don’t change unless it’s for a very good reason or because there isn’t s something that’s better so when change happens, all like “ok, so what’s better about this”. That’s the way we should be presenting system change to our customers. Take their pain points with the current state and talk through how those things will be better (which is hopefully the case). If you can break through with the right message, the change will be easier

I’m really looking forward to moving and not having to transition week in and week out and just enjoy being at “home” with my family. That weekly transition is my pain point. Always feeling like pieces of me are missing is the other pain. When I’m with the kids, im missing Jim and when I’m with Jim I’m missing the kids. I want to have my cake and watt it to. I don’t need any convincing.. I welcome the change.

Quite frankly I actually wish it were sooner. I’m just ready now. Our whole thought process around when had to do with getting through the holidays and having that drama be over with. It makes sense. It’s logical. Then we could put the house up as soon as the timing for the market is good in spring. It’s all good, but on days like today I’m daydreaming about it and just wishing for time to hurry up.

Yeah, so that’s where my mind is at and not on what it should be on. That’s why I say that I’m going to try and get ahead of the self-forgiveness thing. I know tomorrow I’m going to feel bad about not accomplishing anything and might as well come to terms with that now too.

Gawd.. I think too much about everything.

Over It and Out!

~Miss SugarCookie